Relationship Crisis

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Sinnie
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Relationship Crisis

Post by Sinnie » Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:53 pm

Hello everyone,

I'm in a relationship with a man who has a child and I'm struggling with that. It's hard to adjust to a child. I've begun resenting her which definitely makes matters worse.

He is an excellent father which means so much, but I'm at a loss what to do. He said I have to make a choice, be all in or out. I love him so much, and can't imagine moving on but staying with him will be at the expense of other things I wanted to experience without children.

Any advice or thoughts on this?

Thanks
Last edited by Sinnie on Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Finnigan
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Post by Finnigan » Thu Jul 17, 2008 6:47 pm

I'm hesitant to give anybody life altering advice, but I suppose I do have some I can offer.

My wife is 7 years my senior. It's not quite as big a gap, but it is a gap. Like you, I am a more mature acting person, and she acts younger than she is.

Anyway, we dated for something like 8 years. She had proposed to me after a couple of years and I asked to wait. I wasn't ready, so we continued to date eachother exclusively.

I became interrested in the idea of marriage. I needed to figure out though what it was I was looking for in a marriage. How do I know when I am ready? What question did I need to ask myself to decide if it was time. What was my criteria?

Anyway, I thought about it a lot. I wanted to make sure it would work so I started to look for what made relationships last (my parents split after 25 years).

One day it dawned on me that the question I needed to answer to know if I was ready was "Is this the person I will be willing to compromise with for the rest of my life?" To me it seemed marriage is a lot of compromise. You can't both always be happy, at least in my mind.

Anyway, I was 27 when I got married. I was very inexperienced in intimate relationships. My wife was my second girlfriend. She had more experience and was even enguaged for a time. It's been 10 years and I now have 2 beautiful young children (we started late). Sometimes I do feel maybe I missed out on some of the fun of sowing my oats, but I look at my family and I wouldn't give them up for anything.

Now, you have an existing child to consider, and one with a bit of a social handicap. You might want to discuss with your Bo what he thinks your position will be with regards to his daughter, and if that is the position you want to take? Can you be authoritative? Do you stand by the wayside?

You really need to consider what it would take for you to be happy in each of those relationships and see if your Bo and his daughter are of a similar mind.

That's where I would start anyway.

Whatever the case, I wish you happiness.

kccc
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Post by kccc » Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:57 pm

Like Finnegan, I'm hesitant to give life-altering advice. :) But I will.

I think a LOT of talking with your Bo is in order. You need to think about what life would be like together, and whether you could both be happy. It's not unreasonable to ask for time to do that. (And conversely, it's not unreasonable for him to decide that he can't wait forever... this is just one negotiation in a possible lifetime of it.)

You might also do some reading in the self-help section, in several areas. First, books that help you think about what you want in a relationship, the places you're willing to compromise, and the deal-breakers. Second, some reading on child development (I'm not sure of the daughter's age), particularly with her issues. That will probably help you understand her better. It may create empathy that leads to a better relationship with her, it may lead you to decide that she's more than you can take on. Either way, clarity is good. :)

Finally, what are you worried about "missing"? No one life can hold all experiences. Maybe make a list of "things I want to do/experience in my life" and see what (if anything) would really be struck off the list.

I wish you happiness. And I will say that I am of the opinion that happiness is not a one-shot deal - "people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," as the quote goes.

Best wishes in finding your way to a decision that's good for you.

Sinnie
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Post by Sinnie » Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:56 pm

Thank you both so much for your thoughtful responses. It has given me a lot to think about. Very valid points. I'm sitting here with my morning coffee contemplating all this.

Finnegan, you said to think about who I am willing to compromise with the rest of my life. Well, I would want to with him. We are both very considerate towards the others feelings and even when we can't agree, no one completely wins.

KCCC, I had never thought of it way before. I'm referring to what I think I'm "missing." I guess it's more in my mind than anything, almost self-sabotaging. The only thing I really feel like I'm missing is spending more alone time with him. I always wanted this kind of relationship, but minus the child. We make an effort to go out ourselves often, but on a regular basis she is there, so I feel cheated a bit.

Thanks again and opinions are welcome!!
Last edited by Sinnie on Thu Jan 29, 2009 10:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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reinhard
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Post by reinhard » Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:58 pm

Boy, that's a tough one. I think the age is much less an issue than the kid.

If you're going to be her mom, you have to love her. If you can't, then you can't. And for him, for any parent, the kid has to come first. It's something you can't resent -- it's something you have to share.

No idea on how to get to this point... except to be open about it and confront it. And spend as much time as possible with her. It might just click all of a sudden.

Best, best wishes and way out of my depth here,

Reinhard

navi
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Post by navi » Fri Jul 18, 2008 3:24 pm

I have experience from both sides - I have step parents and I am about to marry a man with 3 kids. I totally agree with Reinhard that the kids have to come first. As a stepchild (with a classic evil style stepmother and a great stepfather) I hope that I have learned what to do and not do. Kids are very sensitive and will pick up on annoyance or resentment from you, even if you try to cover it up. It is better to make friends with this child before you commit to anything, and decide if you can truly bring her into your life. You also can't expect her to warm up to you immediately. I was a bit older than 11 when my parents remarried, but the last thing on earth I wanted was to deal with someone new coming into our house. It was much preferable to have my mom to myself. In addition, she is heading into puberty, a difficult age for any kid - are you up for it? I basically treat Kurt's kids like I do my nieces - we have lots of fun together, I am there for them, but I am not their "mom" (they have one), and I don't tell them what to do unless they are being disruptive - and then I consult with Kurt. I think with kids it can evolve past this into something more like a child/parent relationship but it takes time and it does not always happen, particularly if the kids are older. My advice is to try to find some little things that you have in common with her. Does she like horses? museums? movies? Involve yourself a little with her one on one as a friend (or "aunt" figure) and see where it goes. You may surprise yourself and find a new friend. I don't think you can go into this in the spirit of compromise (resenting her but putting up with her for the relationship) - in the long run it will not work, and it certainly won't be to her benefit. My stepmother is still resenting us after 30 years. She puts on a nice, friendly front but manages to steer my dad away from us (yes, it is his fault too) to the degree that I now only see him once a year - while they visit her kids constantly. PLEASE do not do this to a child.

12catcrazy
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Post by 12catcrazy » Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:28 pm

Sinnie, you've gotten some good advice here. I'm going to add my 2 cents to this as well...

How long have you and your "Bo" been seeing each other? What does it mean that he said to you that you're either "all in or all out"? Are you talking marriage or just co-habitating, or neither?

That you even came here and posted your concerns mean that you have some ambivalence about this relationship. You've also stated that you're starting to resent his daughter, and 17 years is a BIG age difference which might not be so apparent now, but could become very much so in the future (and by the way, my father was 17 years older than my mother).

Don't write off your concerns about "missing" something in your life as self-sabotage (unless you self-sabotage as a habit - look very deeply into yourself for that one). Something deep in your "gut" might be trying to tell you something and don't be so quick to blow off those types of feelings. Sometimes we know something deep in our core that our head doesn't want to think about. I've learned the hard way that "gut" feelings are not to be ignored. Also, it appears from what you've written about the girl that she might have some kind of autism disorder. Has she ever been evaluated by a professional for that? And if she hasn't been, what is her father possibly not seeing?

It bothers me that your boyfriend is not willing to leave his daughter for a week (providing there are loving family or friends who would look after her for a week). If you got married, would the child also be on the honeymoon? How would you feel about THAT?

What are your plans in regards to having children of your own? Do you want them, does HE want them - would he be willing to start all over with babies at his age... If you had children of your own, would you be even more resentful of the original child who would possibly taking resources away from "your" children.... yeah, may be jumping the gun thinking about stuff like this, but its better to think about it now than have problems down the road. And if you're resenting this kid now, how do you picture living with her day in and day out. And since her mother is deceased, for practical purposes, you are going to be her mother if she is living with you. Who will be calling the shots in the household? Your "Bo' might put you before everyone except his daughter, but how are you going to feel in the long term being #2 behind the child?

I'd honestly suggest booking a few appointments with a therapist who specializes in blended family issues. Go by yourself for a couple of sessions and if you still think that you and the "Bo" might have a future, go for some joint sessions. You are only in your mid-twenties - taking on a relationship with a much-older widower and his almost adolescent child is alot to take on at your age. Talk to people who have teenagers - it can be really rough going - and that can also be for "good" kids, not just kids who get into trouble.

As someone who got married at a young age (21), with no children, I can say there were things that I "missed". My sister and her friends were having a great time doing things that I will probably never get to do. (and physically, can't do now). I'm looking back on this at the age of 50, and I can tell you that you will only be young once. I learned the hard way about putting dreams on hold for "true love" which didn't turn out to be all that "true" in the end.

Good luck to you in what ever you decide to do!
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Finnigan
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Post by Finnigan » Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:31 pm

He says he can't leave her for a week.
This shouldn't be a concern at all. I'm sure in just a few years she'll be old enough to be home alone in his eyes. So you are weighing a lifetime relationship against a couple years of adult only vacation.

You will face the same issues if you have children of your own. My wife and I RARELY get alone time, and when we do it is even more rarely for more than a couple of hours. However, we know that won't be forever; but our marriage will be (or so we intend).

Sinnie
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Post by Sinnie » Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:01 pm

Hi everyone,

Wow, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and offer some great advice. I don't have time to respond as in depth as I'd like to, but I will later on.

To start, I'm fully aware that she has to come first, I've actually always said that, even to him. He does take care of her impeccably well. But he doesn't see me as second either - he wants to make both of us happy and thinks it can be done if we really want to be together.

Gionta, you offered a very interesting perspective. I was thinking as well of making a concerted effort to find things in common with her and doing them. She doesn't see me as a mother, and he told me she doesn't need one, she has him. But, she wants a friend, or more of an aunt figure as you said. I definitely don't want resentment from either of us, and I know as the adult I have to rise above it.

12catcrazy, thank you for the response.
I would like to say much more, however I have to get offline! I will finish later on!!
Last edited by Sinnie on Thu Jan 29, 2009 10:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

navi
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Post by navi » Mon Jul 21, 2008 3:39 pm

Sinnie,
The fact that you are putting so much thought into this means that your heart is in the right place....I hope you can make things work. It took a while for me to come to this place with Kurt's kids - we took it slowly, and let things evolve. We are just now talking about getting married (do not live together yet). I, like you, was not really thrilled with the idea of 3 kids to deal with at first. It was hard to admit that at the time, it made me feel like a mean person (and gave me a different perspective on my evil stepmother's thoughts and actions), but now I can't imagine not having them in my life.
Good luck!

12catcrazy
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Post by 12catcrazy » Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:04 pm

Sinnie, my parents had alot more differences than just an age gap - that was the least of their differences! They came from totally different socio/economic backgrounds, there was a gigantic educational difference between them, and they came from different religious backgrounds as well; about the only thing they had in common was a sense of humor (and my sister and me). To call the marriage "unhappy" would be an understatement, but they did stay married until my mother died at the age of 66 in 1990. My father outlived her by almost 17 years when he passed away in 2006 at the age of 99. So, you can see, there are no guarentees that you'll outlive your "Bo" either!

Funny enough, after my mother passed away, my father became involved with another woman who was 17 years younger than him, and he outlived HER by 8 years.

When my parents became involved, my father was a successful, divorced middle-aged man (no kids) who had an eye for nice clothes, nicer cars and beautiful women. My mother was beautiful and very troubled - she needed to be "rescued" and my father thought he was her "white knight". There were lots of "issues", which I'm not going to go in to, and I doubt if they would apply to your situtation. You and your "Bo" might have your own issues, but you have to look into those.

Anyway, getting back to YOU - from my vantage point of "been there, done that", 6 months is not a long time to be dating someone. Is he pressing for an exclusive relationship, and you're on the fence about that? Can you two continue to date for a while and would that give you some "space" so you don't feel rushed into making any kind of life altering decision too early? You seem afraid about taking the risk of losing him, but is he willing to risk losing you by possibly pushing you into a corner?

Again, I'd suggest talking to a therapist and get some feedback from someone who knows the full story of your relationship and of your background and what else is going on in your life. On a forum, we can give our opinions, but there are always lots of variables which can change the advice that people have to offer. I know I'd say something different if you're dating a guy for 2 years as opposed to dating for 6 months. Guess thats the picky detail oriented Virgo in me! You can hear a story, make a suggestion, and then up comes the ".... oh, but I didn't mention THIS...." and that "oh, but" can change everything.
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Sinnie
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Post by Sinnie » Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:14 pm

12 cat crazy, it's amazing how much better your last post made me feel. THANK YOU. I have a tendancy to look at every little thing and agonize over it. Whether that happens or it doesn't, I shouldn't judge staying with him on that aspect. I'm also trying not to care what other people think. The people who know me personally have no issues.

He isn't pushing me into a corner I don't think. He is an extremely understanding man, and gives me space as needed. He is also very loyal.
I think what changed my mindset was realizing I would not be better off without him. He has never in the time we've been dating done anything hurtful or wrong. I'd miss him like crazy if I couldn't talk to him everyday.
Last edited by Sinnie on Thu Jan 29, 2009 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kccc
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Post by kccc » Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:46 am

Sinnie,

You sound much more at peace- that's great. And it sounds as if you're moving in some very positive directions with regard to the daughter.

It was nice of you to let us know "what happened next" with you. :)

And I have to say that, as always, I'm impressed by the tenor of this board. All the responses were thoughtful, with more questions/considerations for you than out-and-out advice. All of them showed an awareness that none of us can know the whole story from your post, and a strong respect for boundaries.

Very cool. I am so impressed with the people here. :)

KCCC

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