What Sets People Up For Food Obsession?

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automatedeating
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What Sets People Up For Food Obsession?

Post by automatedeating » Sun Jan 14, 2018 3:04 pm

I see many posters lament food obsession, diet head, and craving restricted foods.

I'd love to hear what you think occurred in your past to cause these issues? I am mostly curious because I don't want to incite these issues in my own children.

And I don't think I have any of those three issues, but I'm wondering why I don't. LOL, what did my parents do RIGHT? :D
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Selcazare
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Post by Selcazare » Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:13 pm

For me, it's always the "I am never going to eat this again!" restrictions, even if they are for health reasons. I am much better off "choosing" to not eat something today. Maybe tomorrow I'll eat it, but I'll worry about that tomorrow.

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Sun Jan 14, 2018 8:43 pm

I don't think I can blame my parents exactly, though they weren't completely innocent. But it's not their influence I've felt the most resentful of in the past. I don't know how you escaped it because for me it was the cultural emphasis on thinness that led me to feel my eating had to be unacceptable because it made me have an unacceptable body since it wasn't as thin as the media examples. And it was also my peers buying into it. Nearly all girls were (and even more so now at younger ages) very concerned about their weight and their eating even though they couldn't muster the will to do much about it.

In fact, a lot of my eating WASN'T very smart, but not because of its effects on my appearance. I would have been way too young to understand and accept those motivations then.

Not much help, I guess. I'd say to model that enjoying food doesn't mean eating a lot of it, and not eating a lot of it is not a painful experience, as if you're always just this far away from eating the "whole thing." Be as casual as you can about the female preoccupation with meeting the media ideal, gently steering away from the topic and into other ways to build self-confidence. Those two are unfortunately usually intimately enmeshed.

But there's only so much YOU can do. :?
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
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ladybird30
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Post by ladybird30 » Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:59 pm

Hi Automated Eating - as far as raising children goes, I am a non-starter. However, I can offer a couple of thoughts:

Make meal times a pleasant experience, where good food lovingly prepared becomes associated with strong relationships between parents and children.

Be open to listening to whatever concerns children have (before trying to help or offer solutions).

If you do these things already, terrific.

I think that KCCC's approach to feeding her son, which can be found on her thread, is sensible.
Three meals a day - not too little not too much, but just right

jenji
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Post by jenji » Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:56 pm

I am worried about this, too. My daughter is tall and willowy. Great, right? No, because people comment on her body ALL THE TIME. I ask them not to, but it's almost as though no one can help themselves, and they think it is okay because what they have to say is "positive": "You are so tall! And so thin!"

She is 13. Just keep your eyes off her body, okay people? I fear that as she fills out, she will feel like she needs to diet.

I have not changed anything I do with her. We already eat 3 meals, together except when she is at school, and we don't drink soda. She snacks and eats sweets (moderately), and I have not tried to change that. She knows I am doing No-S, and she pronounced the idea as "horrible", although it has impacted her life not at all.
I'm a 53-year-old mom and non-profit CEO
I am 5' 7.5"
Began No S at 184#, BMI 28.4 - 9/25/2017
Current weight: 181#, BMI 27.9, 12/19/2022

mitchelll
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Post by mitchelll » Tue Jan 16, 2018 3:53 pm

For me, I think two of the big issues that led to my food issues were as follows:

1. Food as love. Holidays meant my mother gave us enormous amounts of candy. Even as a teenager, long after the age of Easter baskets, we would wake up to 5lb bags of candy left by the Easter Bunny. There was no restriction on how fast or how much of the candy we ate.

Birthdays were celebrated by our favorite dinners and baked goods. Tears were soothed with ice cream cones, boredom was cured with popcorn topped with melted butter, etc.

In short, I was taught that want to celebrate: food is best way. Need to soothe yourself after a rought experience: food is best way. Want to show someone you care: give them food.

2. No moderation. My mother struggled with her weight, and based on the weightloss teachings of the time, (70s and early 80s), it was either eat as little as possible/rabbit food, or eat all the things because chocolate is fattening and eating one piece means the diet is ruined, so eat the whole box. I had no concept you could just eat a piece of candy if you wanted it or only eat candy as a special treatement. I thought it was all or nothing.

Bluebell
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Post by Bluebell » Tue Jan 16, 2018 10:09 pm

mitchell I can identify with what you are saying. My mum shows her love by providing huge amounts of food. She also worries that there will be enough, whether people are hungry etc. She does this out of a genuine desire to please, but when you grow up with this it creates issues. Also she talks a lot about being ‘good’ and ‘bad’ around food and is always trying out a new diet. Losing then gaining weight over and over again. This is a pattern I followed from the first diet my mum ever put me in aged 12 (she denies this now and gets very upset if I mention it, so I don’t) until I discovered NoS in my 40s.

With my boys, I try and be really relaxed around what they eat, nothing is denied, but I encourage them to work out for themselves if they would be better to eat or wait until mealtime. They seem to be able to have treats in moderation. Also I do not talk about weight at all - neither would have a clue what they weigh - but do encourage exercise and have found an activity they both love and do together.

I’m not saying I have it 100% right, but I’m acutely aware of not making food into an issue as it has been for me.
"You'll know where the North Star is ⭐️" - Oolala

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Wed Jan 17, 2018 2:59 am

Mitchell, the practice of moms giving food as love is pretty common. It's a practice in many cultures. (I'm a little surprised my mom DIDN'T do it. But she actually wasn't much of a cook. My dad liked to make dinner. I don't remember my mother EVER making cookies, from scratch or not. )
Last edited by oolala53 on Fri Jan 26, 2018 11:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

simmstone
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Post by simmstone » Wed Jan 17, 2018 4:58 pm

My experience:

1) Childhood poverty/food scarcity in very young years
2) High achieving/perfectionist personality type in middle years
3) High level sports/competition nutrition plans during high school/college years - they work while one is involved in the sport, but can distort food views and create behaviors that are difficult to shake later in life, once the activity has ended
4) Ultra-Restrictive Dieting post-college

Issues created: Binge Eating, Yo-yo dieting
"No S is such a good way to combat the randomness, which is often the slide into more and more." - oolala53

Soliadegloria
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What sets people up for food obsession

Post by Soliadegloria » Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:07 pm

Simmstone. I too struggled with the same issues. I am fairly new to No S and can't get my N days clean because of the sugar on S days. Have you had success with No S and food obsession?

ironchef
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Re: What Sets People Up For Food Obsession?

Post by ironchef » Thu Jan 18, 2018 1:16 am

automatedeating wrote:I'd love to hear what you think occurred in your past to cause these issues? I am mostly curious because I don't want to incite these issues in my own children.

And I don't think I have any of those three issues, but I'm wondering why I don't. LOL, what did my parents do RIGHT? :D
I'm a bit torn on this one, because I kind of want to defend parents, especially mothers. I understand that food = love is a difficult issue, but one way I express my love of my family is feeding them. In fact, the first thing I did, for both my babies, literally minutes after they were born, was breast feed them. Even now, making sure there is good, healthy food in the house, and on the table 3 times a day is mostly done by me (my husband helps a lot, but I'm the main planner and cook). I don't do this because they pay me, but because I love them and I feel a responsibility to care for them.

Sure if the ONLY way of expressing love is food, then that's problematic. If food is used instead of cuddles / communication etc as the way of dealing with tough emotions, then that's an issue. But I don't like the idea of parents beating themselves up for a pretty normal behavior of expressing love and care by providing for their family, which is shared by cultures all over the world.

Also, special food and drinks with celebrations is the norm for cultures all over the world throughout history. My problem is not that my kids get a birthday cake, it's that we've created a culture where cake is available daily, whether special or not.

Considering whether guests in my home have enough to eat and drink to me and my husband is part of being a good host. Just as I make sure someone has a comfortable seat, or a glass of cold water on a hot day, I will make sure they are not hungry and that the food they do have is to their taste. I imagine this is close to the norm all over the world for hospitality.

All of these things can be taken too far of course - everyone has known that anxious host who bobs up and down every second checking that everyone is ok, or the pushy relative who won't let you say "no" to something.

Up until the last generation or two and still today in a lot of countries in the world most families deal with scarcity. Is it surprising that our culture hasn't caught up yet on "the best way to parent" when abundance, not scarcity, is the norm for food? My grandmother taught us to make cakes by breaking the eggs into a cup one at a time in case they were rotten, because if you broke them straight into the bowl with your sugar and butter, one rotten egg would ruin a whole fortnight of sugar ration.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I agree with a lot of common sense ideas out there for parents, parents didn't create our food culture and advertising and they aren't solely responsible for any issues their kids might have around food. I feel like with a lot of issues, we're very quick to blame parents and create a bunch of "mommy guilt" over stuff that has a lot of sources and influence.

The things I try to do (whether these help or not, time will tell):
Eat sensible meals in company with my kids to model moderate behavior
Enjoy occasional treats at birthdays and special occasions with my kids
Don't put my kids on a diet
Don't demonize or canonize foods to my kids
Don't offer to comfort an injured / sad / frightened / angry kid with treat food
Don't criticize my own body in front of the kids.

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Octavia
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Post by Octavia » Thu Jan 18, 2018 6:45 pm

Hi, Automated. A really interesting question. My own theory is that food obsessions are sparked off by too-stringent dieting at an early age...taking dieting too seriously, really thinking that you HAVE to lose weight. In other words, lacking the perspective to be able to deal with media images and peer pressure.

One thing I found very interesting in Kathryn Hansen’s book Brain Over Binge, is that she asserts that it’s appropriate to gently ‘scold’ a young girl who’s expressing an interest in losing weight/controlling her calories/finding fault with her figure. I think I know what she means - that our daughters need to know that it’s not acceptable, not clever, to go along with the herd in being critical of their innocent bodies. I’ve certainly tried to instill a certain humorous cynicism in my daughter, regarding media images.

She knows that I have trouble controlling my intake of chocolate, so she probably realises I’d like to be slimmer....but I’ve never said anything critical about my body in front of her. On the contrary, I speak of it either respectfully or dispassionately, saying ‘this suits my figure...’ or ‘this is more challenging with my figure...’.

My mum, too, was never critical of her body, and I think this has given me perspective. she also never insisted that we clear our plates - if we were full, she said ‘leave it, then,’ and that’s what I say to my daughter.

I think my own chocolate obsession came from doing Rosemary Conley’s Hip and Thigh diet in my twenties!

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Post by jenji » Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:37 pm

Good advice here. I also consider cooking healthy meals for my family to be an expression of caring.

I even have given junk food to a hurt kid (sorry, but a popsicle is THE remedy for a loose tooth knocked out a bit too soon).

I like some of the suggested language that Octavia mentioned, and I I will redouble my efforts to not criticize my own body in front of my kid.
I'm a 53-year-old mom and non-profit CEO
I am 5' 7.5"
Began No S at 184#, BMI 28.4 - 9/25/2017
Current weight: 181#, BMI 27.9, 12/19/2022

tobiasmom
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Childhood

Post by tobiasmom » Thu Jan 18, 2018 10:26 pm

Not to be overly dramatic and a downer...but for me I had some
devastating childhood trauma that contributed to obesity at a very young age. By 10 years old, having gained approximately 35 pounds in one summer alone, my mom took me to Jenny Craig. She was a chronic dieter herself, although not even overweight. That pretty much started my vicious cycle of diet/cheat/hide food/guilt/repeat. Weight Watchers, cookie diets, cabbage soup,Phen-fen.....she put me on all of them. They even offered me
New wardrobes and money. I am just THAT heavy one in the family.

I am now 40 years old, having healed emotionally for the most part but still stuck in that cycle that has become my normal after all these years. I struggle deep down with the feelings that “dieting†is just my identity now.

So.....as you can imagine, I go to the opposite extreme with my kids. My 10-year-old is overweight, mostly because I have shown him the example of compulsive eating and “feed him†to show love, and I refuse to put him through dieting or any of that stuff I went through. So, you see, this No-S journey to normal food with moderate treats on s Days is soooooooooo important for my family. I still have time to change this cycle.

I don’t “blame†my family. They did what they were taught. But now that I KNOW different, I have to change that path.
Military wife and homeschool mom of two boys, 15 and 10.
No-S restart 01/08/23
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jenji
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Re: Childhood

Post by jenji » Fri Jan 19, 2018 1:50 pm

tobiasmom wrote:Not to be overly dramatic and a downer...but for me I had some
devastating childhood trauma that contributed to obesity at a very young age. By 10 years old, having gained approximately 35 pounds in one summer alone, my mom took me to Jenny Craig. She was a chronic dieter herself, although not even overweight. That pretty much started my vicious cycle of diet/cheat/hide food/guilt/repeat. Weight Watchers, cookie diets, cabbage soup,Phen-fen.....she put me on all of them. They even offered me
New wardrobes and money. I am just THAT heavy one in the family.

I am now 40 years old, having healed emotionally for the most part but still stuck in that cycle that has become my normal after all these years. I struggle deep down with the feelings that “dieting†is just my identity now.

So.....as you can imagine, I go to the opposite extreme with my kids. My 10-year-old is overweight, mostly because I have shown him the example of compulsive eating and “feed him†to show love, and I refuse to put him through dieting or any of that stuff I went through. So, you see, this No-S journey to normal food with moderate treats on s Days is soooooooooo important for my family. I still have time to change this cycle.

I don’t “blame†my family. They did what they were taught. But now that I KNOW different, I have to change that path.
I hope the way of eating and this community can support you!
I'm a 53-year-old mom and non-profit CEO
I am 5' 7.5"
Began No S at 184#, BMI 28.4 - 9/25/2017
Current weight: 181#, BMI 27.9, 12/19/2022

automatedeating
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Post by automatedeating » Fri Feb 02, 2018 3:08 am

Thanks to everyone for sharing! I really appreciated all the thoughtful responses. I found some of them bringing tears to my eyes. We all love our families and want to do the right thing for them. And I can tell we all love our parents, and for the most part we know they were doing the best that they could.

Life. It's tough. Thanks for being on these wonderfully supportive boards, all!
Month/Year-BMI
8/13-26.3
8/14-24.5
5/15-26.2
1/16-26.9; 9/16-25.6
8/17-25.8; 11/17-26.9
3/18-25.6; 8/18-24.5; 10/18-23.8;
3/19-22.1; 10/19-21.8
6/20-22.5; 7/20-23.0; 9/20-23.6
4/21 - 25.2

notcasey
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Post by notcasey » Sun Feb 11, 2018 12:44 pm

For me, it was being referred to as 'big' from a very young age, when I really wasn't, and having my food intake monitored, innocent 'suggestions' to 'not eat that' when in reality I was a healthy teen and played a lot of sports, and had I not dieted so much (and thus rebounded whenever I wasn't on a diet), I could have had a stunning figure.

Even a few years ago when I did Weightwatchers and lost about 30lbs, taking me to just a few pounds over a healthy weight for my height, I overheard my mum saying to my aunt, she's lost a lot of weight but it's not really showing yet. It's really demoralising. I had a dress picked out for my cousin's wedding, but she wouldn't let me wear it, and instead made me pick one at least 3 sizes too big for me. Man, I wish I could post the photos here! I got tons of compliments on my figure, but everyone asked why my dress was so big LOL.

My mum, and others in my family, are OBSESSED with food and body weight. I felt so much pressure to diet but I could never sustain it, and over time my 'off-diet' eating habits got worse and worse and I'm now 250lbs. I didn't see my grandma in the two years before she died because I was so afraid of what she and my family would say about my weight gain.

I'm not blaming others, and I'm so glad I've found this 'diet'. I feel free from the dieting mentality but I'm also finally losing weight! But I think the way diet and body image are spoken about in our childhoods has a lasting impression. I was not fat. Taller than most, but not fat, and I'm angry that I was dieting at 11 years old at the encouragement of my mother.

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Post by oolala53 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:21 pm

I've told this story before, but years ago I was looking at a photo album at my parents' house and asked my mom who this girl was in one of the pictures. She had skinny arms and looked very normal for her age, maybe 10 years old. My mom said, "That's you!" I was amazed because my brother had called me a big cow during our growing up years all the time. But I don't remember my parents making a bid deal about it, though I do distinctly remember one comment from each of them.

The constant pressure to eat less came from wanting to meet the media images of models, IMHO. There was a lot of talk about it in high school. And the big cow thing hovered in the back ground. But I would have been obsessed even if he didn't say that, I'm pretty sure.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

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Octavia
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Post by Octavia » Wed Feb 14, 2018 10:25 pm

It makes me feel so sad to think of the unkindness and ignorance that some of us are subjected to, particularly as children. 😢ðŸ’I feel very grateful that in my own family, no one ever commented on my weight (and yes, I was a little overweight) - neither my brothers nor my parents.

Looking back, media images did make me quite unhappy (and subject to teasing from the skinny kids and even some teachers) but thanks to my family, I wasn’t driven to diet. I even remember stylised, 1970s illustrations, and how the cartoon girls were all tiny, leggy things with huge eyes, in swirly mini dresses. Yes, those images made the little me feel ugly and fat. But somehow I believed I was the size I was meant to be, and it never occurred to me to diet. So I avoided food obsession that way...on the other hand, I did become a frequent snacker with a big sweet tooth. I sometimes wonder if that’s due to the small, low-fibre, processed meals we ate...I was always hungry.

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Post by noni » Thu Feb 15, 2018 3:22 pm

Octavia wrote: I even remember stylised, 1970s illustrations, and how the cartoon girls were all tiny, leggy things with huge eyes, in swirly mini dresses.
They were copying Twiggy from the 60's, whom the media exalted.
"Never go back for seconds. Get it all the first time." - Garfield

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Post by oolala53 » Thu Feb 15, 2018 5:27 pm

Having a sweet tooth is more the norm than not. Easy access has raised the baseline of nearly every generation since the early 1800's. The average then: the sugar in one can of coke every five days; now 17 cans of coke every five days. You don't get to that kind of average (17x!) without a lot of the population having a sweet tooth; and that includes all those freaks of nature :wink: who could take it or leave it. I keep using this explanation: why are there so few of them? Because humans who didn't have the preference 100,000+ years ago died before they could procreate! Same for those who couldn't hang onto fat after the famine cycle.

RE: media exposure from article 2009
"The results show females are portrayed in a smaller range of body types and are more slender than males; heavier body types are less likely to be in romantic situations, wear revealing clothing, and are older than thin body types; and television body types are generally thinner than the real population."

RE: sweet tooth prevalence
"In fact, heightened preference for sweet-tasting foods and beverages during childhood is universal and evident among infants and children around the world. The liking for sweet tastes during development may have ensured the acceptance of sweet-tasting foods, such as mother's milk and fruits. Moreover, recent research suggests that liking for sweets may be further promoted by the pain-reducing properties of sugars."
https://journals.lww.com/co-clinicalnut ... te.12.aspx


Am I procrastinating/ have too much time on my hands or what?
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

karenscfld59
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Post by karenscfld59 » Fri Feb 16, 2018 5:27 pm

Having been on NoS for two weeks, I can honestly say that I am not obsessing over food. It is quite miraculous really. In the past, whether I was dieting or not I would get an obsession in my head about the snack machine at work. I would have to go and get a snack. Sometime I'd get a couple of snacks. I have been eating my breakfast and lunch at work. Even though I'm hungry by the time I leave work I have not felt compelled to go to the snack machine. I've read the logic behind NoS and it make so much sense to me. I think that knowing I'm going to go home and fix a nice dinner and eat whatever I put on my plate has really eliminated my obsession. It is something new for me.

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Post by oolala53 » Fri Feb 16, 2018 10:50 pm

That is fantastic news, Karen. It's so nice to be able to just slip into the stream and float!
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

GabbyGirl2
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Re: What Sets People Up For Food Obsession?

Post by GabbyGirl2 » Sun Aug 23, 2020 3:12 am

This is a two-year-old thread, but it's such a pertinent topic for me that I will reply anyway and hope someone will read it. My eating problems were definitely formed in childhood experiences. My family always had the evening meal together in the formal dining room. There were four of us kids and we all had our designated seats. Mom would cook a nice meal from scratch. Then my father and my older brother would argue loudly from opposite ends of the table every single night. Dad would serve everyone's food, and if there was a leftover piece of something, he would eat it. I don't remember a peaceful or happy family dinner. To this day in my own home (no kids), I never eat at a table. My husband and I eat sitting on our respective couches in front of the TV. I know that is a bad habit, but I really don't care to change it.

Then there were the nights when I couldn't eat something because it would make me gag, but we had the "clean plate club" and sometimes I would have to sit there until 11 pm or until my mother took pity on me and sent me to bed. I would NEVER do that to a child. Forcing a child to eat something that he or she hates is cruel.

So all that tension and drama made eating a time of conflict rather than a pleasure. There are other reasons why I developed disordered eating, but those are a couple of examples.

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Re: What Sets People Up For Food Obsession?

Post by ladybird30 » Thu Sep 17, 2020 7:27 am

I too have some memories of less than pleasant meal times as a child. The good news is that as an adult we can choose to do things differently.
Three meals a day - not too little not too much, but just right

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Re: What Sets People Up For Food Obsession?

Post by Whosonfirst » Thu Sep 17, 2020 10:14 am

GabbyGirl2 wrote:
Sun Aug 23, 2020 3:12 am
This is a two-year-old thread, but it's such a pertinent topic for me that I will reply anyway and hope someone will read it. My eating problems were definitely formed in childhood experiences. My family always had the evening meal together in the formal dining room. There were four of us kids and we all had our designated seats. Mom would cook a nice meal from scratch. Then my father and my older brother would argue loudly from opposite ends of the table every single night. Dad would serve everyone's food, and if there was a leftover piece of something, he would eat it. I don't remember a peaceful or happy family dinner. To this day in my own home (no kids), I never eat at a table. My husband and I eat sitting on our respective couches in front of the TV. I know that is a bad habit, but I really don't care to change it.

Then there were the nights when I couldn't eat something because it would make me gag, but we had the "clean plate club" and sometimes I would have to sit there until 11 pm or until my mother took pity on me and sent me to bed. I would NEVER do that to a child. Forcing a child to eat something that he or she hates is cruel.

So all that tension and drama made eating a time of conflict rather than a pleasure. There are other reasons why I developed disordered eating, but those are a couple of examples.
No doubt that had a negative effect on you. We(my sisters) were lucky to have peaceful meals together, although when younger, my mom used to "try" to coerce me into eating vegs like green beans. But at our table we were more likely to be laughing at something my Dad said. I tried to be the same with my children, and never forced them to eat anything. My wife would just say, okay, but then no dessert or cookies afterwards.
https://twitter.com/SipeEngineering
Current weight(9/2020)-212 lbs.
Goal Weight- 205 lbs.
NoS Goal: >= 80% Success days

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