Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. The feelings of guilt and worthlessness that follow a binge are difficult, if not impossible, to describe to those who aren't binge eaters. These feelings have plagued me for most of my adult life (until recently) and I greatly sympathize with where you are at.
I do want to offer some of the same support that Oolala provided (she is a huge inspiration for me and wonderful source of wisdom/real talk!) and also give you some hope and let you know that things are much better for me now. And they can get better for you.
Everyone's path to "better" is different. Oolala found great power in choosing the long-term feeling she found in not binge eating over the short term pleasure/long-term guilt of engaging that behavior. My path was not the same, but it has led me to my current state of 'binge free living'.
Here is the progression of events I followed that led me to where I am now (binge free for 2 months - the longest period of abstinence in my adult life). I list these in hopes that you will see that , though recovery can take a long time, subtle, constant improvement is possible.
1) In September of 2011, after years of yo-yo-ing between the same 75 pounds through dieting and binge-eating, I decided that I needed a way of eating that was controlled, but not too diet-y. I found No S and decided it was perfect for someone like me. I was correct, but I wasn't ready yet.
2) I effortlessly made it through 6 weeks of perfect No S compliance. I could stick to the plan during the week and binge all weekend. And still lose weight!! Life was great, right?
3) Eventually, I failed because I treated No S like any other diet - which is to say that, if I broke the rules, I reacted as though the day had gone to hell and ate all of the food that I could since I was going to get 'back on plan' the next day. Instead of a 'red' day, I had 'red' months full of binge eating.
This continued through the better part of the next 7 years. The good news? I eventually set my mind up so that I would rebound from my binges by always coming back to No S. No S became the plan I aspired to, because I knew it was the only thing I could reasonably ever follow now that I had seen the futility of restrictive diets. This subtle mind shift is important, and would help later...
4) I began to recognize that snacks and sweets and seconds were not my biggest food issue - in other words, I didn't have to consciously think about avoiding them all of the time. No S had helped me with that mentality, but it had not helped me stop binge eating (I never 'failed' with a snack... A 'snack' would AWLAYS turn into a binge). Binge eating was my biggest food issue, and I needed additional help to begin thinking about how to never do it again.
5) No S had equipped me with the right physical habits (3 meals per day) to combat binge eating, but, about two years ago, I sought out and found some additional resources for mentally approaching the problem of binge eating.
They are:
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https://www.eatlikeanormalperson.com
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http://brainoverbinge.com/
6) The psychology of these approaches really helped. I began to understand and truly believe that binge eating was simply a very bad habit I had developed and that my perfectionist nature greatly contributed to my 'all or nothing' thinking. I didn't
have to binge eat, even if the compulsion screamed that I did. I was choosing to do it.
So I binged less over time, which was a miracle for me.
But I never eliminated it. I did notice that my binges most often occurred on Sundays, before getting back to the 'No S rules' on Mondays. Even though I binged less, I still thought about it quite a bit. I assumed that was just the way it would always be, but I was happy that the problem had lessened over time.
7) [Backstory: In 2015, I got married. I had lived alone for my entire adult life and had been able to engage in my binge eating habit without anyone to mirror it back to me. Marriage, for me, eliminated that possibility.]
Three months ago, after a few years of seeing me 'under control' and engaging in only my occasional weekend binges (remember, engaging in binge eating is only 'normal' or 'under control' to those of us who've done it - normal eaters like my wife are shocked by the abnormality of EVER engaging in it), my wife brought home a book (a manifesto, really) about the basics of the Food Addict's Anonymous program. "I think these things sound a lot like you," she said, with great compassion and no judgement. "I want you to read this."
Whether or not such a thing as 'food addiction' exists is in dispute among experts, but the book laid out all of the program's diagnostic criteria, and read like a story of my history, including:
- Gorging in more food than one can physically tolerate
- Eating to the point of feeling ill
- Going out of your way to obtain certain foods
- Continuing to eat certain foods even if no longer hungry
- Eating in secret, isolation
- Avoiding social interactions, relationships, or functions to spend time eating certain foods.
- Spending significant amount of money on buying certain foods for bingeing purposes
By those criteria, my wife was right. I could be considered a food addict and binge eater.
So what was the program's suggested remedy? Essentially, a 12 step program (similar to alcoholics anonymous) where you admit that you have no control over your addiction and submit to a life of 'food sobriety.' Sobriety on the FAA program limits you to three meals a day weighed and measured in advance, and no flour or sugar, ever again. You are supposed to acknowledge that you are so powerless over your addiction that even one unplanned meal or one piece of cake at a birthday party would ruin your chance at sobriety.
Sounds extreme, right? But the book was filled with testimonials from people who swore that this approach had changed their lives completely. Sure, the rules were strict, but they were 'sober' and trim and the plan worked for them - they were happier than they'd ever been and had not binged in years. This approach obviously worked for them. So was this my fate, too? Did I have to choose either complete abstinence from these 'trigger' foods or immersion in my addiction? Did I really believe that I had no power over my binge eating? If the Food Addict's Anonymous program was the only path to ending my binge eating and I wasn't willing to follow it, was I doomed to binge eat forever? These were weighty questions that I wrestled with as I read the book.
And, then, it happened. Just after finishing the book, I had a powerful epiphany - perhaps the most impactful thought about food that I've ever had in my adult life. I realized that I do not believe that I am powerless over food. I do not believe that I am a food addict. I do not believe that I am doomed to addiction if I have an unplanned meal or snack.
But I fit
ALL of the diagnostic criteria. So how could I
not be a food addict if I didn't follow their model of treatment for/abstinence from food addiction?
Simple -
IF I DON'T WANT TO BE A FOOD ADDICT, THEN I DON'T ACT LIKE A FOOD ADDICT!!
If I don't want to be something, I should be/act like the opposite of the criteria set forth that define it. So simple, yet so powerful! If I don't want to be a food addict, I can choose not to engage in the extreme behaviors that define the diagnostic criteria for food addiction. But if I choose not to engage in those addictive, abnormal eating behaviors, what exactly
do I choose to do? After all, it's not enough to say "I am done with abnormal eating behaviors"... you need to also define what 'normal behaviors' are, for you, since you still have to eat.
Well, luckily, I already had a GREAT eating plan for normalcy - No S! And it helped that I'd spent the previous seven years of my life verifying that
Remember when I mentioned earlier that taking all of that time to re-frame No S as my 'normal' would be helpful later? Well, all of the ups and downs and experiences and successes and failures had not been in vain - they were necessary to re-frame my habit concepts to ensure success once my mind caught up - and it did... finally! I knew that I did not want to act like an addict, and I had a model of what I did want to act like ( a normal, No S-style eater).
Now, after almost 7 years, I finally realize that following No S doesn't mean that I'll never fail. I most certainly will! But I CAN choose to never 'fail' in such a way that I revert to the diagnostic criteria for food addiction ever again. The feeling that I absolutely do NOT want to be a food addict is the most powerful motivator I have ever encountered for abstaining from my previous food issues. A voice in the back of my mind now says:
"You finally have a moderate eating plan that you can follow most of the time. It is okay if you occasionally stray from it, though you feel better when you don't. But if you continue to choose to engage in food-addict-like behaviors when you do fail, then you are, in fact, a food addict. Will the rest of your life be filled with complete rigidity around food as the only antidote to this problem, or can you, simply, be trusted to handle food like you aren't addicted to it? Decide."
And there really isn't a decision... It's quickly become effortless to avoid binge eating.
And that's it. To others, I'm sure this 'epiphany' of mine seems like a 'duh' moment, rather than a moment of clarity. But it took almost 7 years for me to get to where I am now, and I can honestly say that I feel better about the prospect of never binge eating again than I ever have. I now follow No S, as often as possible. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes, I overeat. But I CAN fail. It's okay to fail! I'm not resolving to never fail again... I'm only resolving to never 'fail' like a food addict again, and all of the 'pressure' of dieting seems totally gone, for me.
I wish you great success in your journey toward binge-free/reduced-binge-eating. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Believe that you will eventually find the way of viewing this behavior that will make it simple for you to avoid it. It will happen, someday, as long as you keep seeking a resolution.
Best of luck to you.