Disappointed with myself

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hexagon
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Disappointed with myself

Post by hexagon » Mon Nov 20, 2006 5:13 am

Hi,

I guess I've been venting a lot recently. Sorry. I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things but I've had trouble lately.

Well, last week I ate properly for four days. The fifth day I screwed up big time, but that was partially because my gastritis really, really acted up horribly in conjunction with the Cramps of Doom. Basically, when my gastritis acts up, it feels like my stomach is on fire and the only thing that will quell the pain immediately is bread (or some other mild starch). No amount of Tums, Mylanta, Nexium, Prilosec, etc. etc. will bring the immediate relief, and it can hurt really badly! I've gone to the doctor several times for this problem and gotten tested for H. pylori, ulcers, yadda yadda yadda....Basically it is an annoying chronic condition. Maybe it is a bad excuse, but it is really hard to ignore the sensation of my stomach on fire/dissolving.

Okay, the sixth and seventh were S-days, I guess. I still ate so much. I screwed up and didn't get out of the house enough. (In case you haven't read my postings, well, I just moved to a smallish town (pop < 40,000) and I don't know anybody, ergo, I'm not getting out enough. Yes, I need to do more to meet people. I also need to make more progress at my new job....) Technically I guess I was "allowed" to do this but I feel like Jabba the Hutt now.

I guess this is better than last week when I was still flailing around, not on the program at all (I had zero good days last week as opposed to four), but I'm just mad. I've hated my body for years. Yes, years. Why is it that if I hate my body so much, I cannot change it? I have even seen the results of proper diet and exercise, but I cannot stick with it. Sometimes I just feel really hopeless, like I'm destined to be chubby and that's it. Even if I physiologically am capable of slimming down, I feel like my head is just hard-wired in a messed-up way when it comes to food and that, well, I'm hosed. I wish I knew why the thin people around me aren't screwed up like me. I'm 30 now (I have been struggling with my weight since I was 10) and I figure that if I haven't done it in 20 years, why should I expect it to happen now?

I'm sorry to whine, but I don't think anybody else in my life really understands how I feel. My heavier friends don't give a darn about their bodies, and my thin friends don't even comprehend the problem. I'm an educated person, but something as simple as not overeating confounds me. I'm so tired of having food be an issue for me. I'm so tired of feeling ugly and depressed. I'm so tired of feeling out of control. I just wonder if things are hopeless and I should just accept myself as an ugly glutton. I'm tired of fighting, because I always lose. I guess sometimes I wonder why I keep trying to lose weight when I have only truly been successful (that is, losing weight and keeping it off) once in my entire life? For most activities, if I tried them a zillion times and failed, I would be inclined to quit.

Any thoughts on why I shouldn't quit? Or anything else?

--H

zoolina
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Post by zoolina » Mon Nov 20, 2006 10:46 am

Dear Hexagon,

You and I sound so much alike! I have been on a diet (or off a diet but trying to be on) for 20 years. Food is something to be controlled, not enjoyed. And even during a binge it's not like I really enjoy the binge, per se, but only the letting go of it all.

I don't know what to tell you. I hope you can stick with it, and feel that 4 out of 7 days of successful eating is really pretty sucessful. You know?

And for gad's sake, if the only thing that helps your gastritis is bread, I don't think you've really blown anything if you eat starches when it's acting up. I mean, as long as the bread is "medical" and not "oh, let's have an extra peice because I feel like nibbling" then that's just how it is. It's like my low blood sugar: I'm not going to stress my body into 3 meals a day when it makes me sick to do so.

Stay with it. You can choose to do it. You really can. And even if some days are less sucessful than others, so what? Keep racking up the sucessful days and don't worry too much about the ones that don't go so well.

Zoolina

wosnes
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Post by wosnes » Mon Nov 20, 2006 1:08 pm

I have a couple of thoughts.

This is from the book THe Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret. Never second guess yourself or look back with regret.

Your best also can't be compared to another's best.

I agree with zoolina about the bread when your stomach is acting up. If bread or other simple foods is the only thing that soothes your stomach, well, then for heaven's sake eat it, and don't worry about it. Just get back on track when you can. Eating differently when you're not feeling well isn't falling off the wagon; it's taking care of a problem.

I think most of us know in the back our our minds a healthy way to eat that would be right for us. But, because it's not a sanctioned or recognized program, we assume that it can't be right. However, there is no program out there, including this one, that will work for everyone. Why? Because they weren't designed for everyone. They weren't designed for YOU.

Maybe you need something where a snack is allowed daily. Or, maybe you need to allow them even less often than weekly or not at all. Or, maybe you're fulfilling another need or want in your life with food. Or, maybe you need to treat yourself with a manicure or a massage or whatever brings you joy in addition to food.

You said you lost weight once in your life. What were you doing then? Is it something you can do for the rest of your life -- or that would be healthy for you to do the rest of your life? How could you eat and what habits (like the No-s habits) could you follow for the rest of your life?

I've realized that a lot of us women tend to put off some of the pleasures of life (like new clothes and so on) until we lose the weight and get the body looking like we want it to look. And that's really a shame, because it means that we're always telling ourselves that we're not good enough. That we're not perfect.

I worked with a group of women who wouldn't consider not making every attempt to look good -- no matter what their weight. And they seemed to enjoy their bodies and their lives a LOT more than those who were waiting to lose "x" amount of pounds. Those particular women spent a lot of time and money on clothes, jewelry, make-up and hair. While most of them made quite a bit less money than some of the rest of us, I swear they spent more money on their appearance than the rest of us did.
I'm so tired of feeling ugly and depressed. I'm so tired of feeling out of control. I just wonder if things are hopeless and I should just accept myself as an ugly glutton. I'm tired of fighting, because I always lose.
Look at the words you use to describe yourself. Our words tend to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Use different words!!!

Unless I have you confused with someone else (and my apologies if that's the case), in many posts you've talked about wanting to be an example for a niece. Maybe the very best example you could set for her is not how to eat and exercise in order to be slim and healthy, but how to love and care for her body no matter what it's size or shape; how to love and accept herself just as she is. Just as you are, too.

We don't tend to take the best care of things we don't love. Body and spirit aren't two separate things; they're part of one whole. If you don't love and accept your body as it is, you're not going to take the best care of it. It's possible that when you start accepting and loving you, you'll start taking better care of and changing you.

One last thing...

No matter what area of life we're dealing with, including diet, we're going to have good days, we're going to have bad days, and we're going to have downright awful days. We're also going to have days that are a combination of all of the above. It's time we give up on the expectation of success and perfection day in and day out. Either life throws us curveballs or we screw up. So what? The idea isn't not to make mistakes, but to learn from them and try not to make them again, or, at least to make them as infrequently as possible.
Last edited by wosnes on Mon Nov 20, 2006 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

pangelsue
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Post by pangelsue » Mon Nov 20, 2006 1:57 pm

Wosnes, you are one smart cookie! I enjoy many of your posts but I think none so much as this one.
I think there is a group of at least 5 of us who have some real issues with self image, perfectionism and fear of failure. Over and over again, we support each other through rough times but when we hit our own rough spots, we don't give ourselves the same loving care we extended to someone else just the day before!!.
Wosnes and Zoolina are right. You were sick. Sick, as Reinhard says, starts with an S until you are better. Stress also starts with an S in my opinion and if the stress levels in our lives are so high that the cup is already running over, it is time to let what can slide, slide until you feel more in control.
For the stress levels you were feeling for the last couple of weeks,(by the way gastritis is aggravated by stress), 4 days was a monumental effort. Congratulate yourself and go a day at a time for a while. For every successful day you have, you will feel a little more in control. For every failure, take a deep breath and accept where you are for right now. It is much more important that you work on finding your footin in your new surroundings and in the meantime do the best you can with your diet. Maybe candles, soft music, cozy comforting clothes and 5 minutes of meditation before each meal might help. You can do it. You did it before. It is not magic. It is just a less than perfect process. Where are you going to go that it will go better? I think for the group of us mentioned above, it is not food we need to control, it is our years of bad self image. Have a good day and talk to one new person in your new city today.
A lot of growing up happens between "it fell" and "I dropped it."

wosnes
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Post by wosnes » Mon Nov 20, 2006 4:18 pm

Thanks, Sue.

I wanted to touch on stress, too. I'm not sure why it is, but we seem to think that when life is stressful, we just need to plow through it. Kind of like a Timex watch -- takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'. The problem is that instead of taking or investing the money, time or energy to pamper ourselves when things are stressful, we usually try to bury the stress with food. The time when you feel you can least afford (in terms of money, time or energy) to pamper yourself is EXACTLY when you need to do it.

We women aren't very good at taking care of ourselves. Like you said, Sue, we'll support others and tell them to take care of themselves and so on, but we won't do it for ourselves. It's as if we're giving away something we don't have.

Not only does stress play a role in gastritis, so does food. I find that I have rather mild episodes of gastritis that are 100% caused by what I eat. My "trigger" food happens to be fatty foods, especially those high in butterfat (read: cookies, desserts, pies, cakes and so on). I can eat a small serving, but a large serving or multiple servings are guaranteed to cause me to suffer for days. It often takes at least several days to nearly a week to feel "normal" again, and it just adds to the stress and suffering.

hexagon
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Post by hexagon » Mon Nov 20, 2006 6:41 pm

Hello,

Thank you all for the support. I'm glad I can find some people here who actually understand how I feel. I don't have time to type in all of my thoughts now (I'm at work) but your caring makes me feel better.

--H

kccc
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Post by kccc » Mon Nov 20, 2006 8:45 pm

Everyone else has said most of the insightful things you need to hear... but I can't resist chiming in...:)

First, FOUR days (after none) is a HUGE improvement. Celebrate that success, honey! It's easy to beat ourselves up for little slips, and ignore accomplishments.

And think about those days. What helped you? It's as important to know why things go RIGHT as it is to know what's wrong.

Second, forgive yourself and move on. Yes, I know - if you've been reading my posts, you know I struggle with that too. Work on that one. Every day is a new day.

Third, it sounds to me as if you need more support. Something that has worked wonders in my own life is following the exercises in "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. The basic tools: Three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing each morning (so you can see all that stuff floating around in your head that influences you, but is generally invisible) and an "artist's date" each week - something planned to give you pleasure. A brain-dump, and some new stuff to put in your head. Even if you don't aspire to be a great artist, it is soothing, fulfilling stuff. I now enjoy cooking, and as a result it's much easier to eat healthy food. I now have other activities besides eating when I'm at loose ends. I now enjoy little things more, and am generally nicer to myself. (I know i probably sound a little evangelical, but I rather feel that way b/c of the effect on my own life. If this is not for you now, ignore... but do try to find something that supports and encourages you.)

And come here to write. All of us have struggled with food. Even though I've maintained a healthy weight most of my life, it has always taken EFFORT, and I have been so envious of people who don't have to think (or over-think) food all the time. The best part of this way of eating, to me, is the clear boundaries that lessen the thinking load, which opens the way for a better relationship with food.

So, we hear you.

Rollo
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Hex

Post by Rollo » Tue Nov 21, 2006 1:47 am

You know what? I'm GLAD you're venting! There's certainly no need to ever apologize for doing so. This is why we are here, to provide a spring board for each other, also help steer each other toward the positive and away from the negative.

Isn't it great that we have each other? Think how much money it would cost us if we all had to pay for the couseling we can get here! :)

Focus on your beautiful self and your successes!
Rollo

hexagon
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Post by hexagon » Tue Nov 21, 2006 1:47 am

Hi,

I've got two questions and a few answers to your comments.

First, I think Wosnes raised an interesting point about learning to love and accept myself as I am (and yes, you do have a good memory--I do have the seriously obese little niece who is in dire need of a good role model). My question is this: how do I do that? I guess if I really loved myself as I currently am, I don't think I'd want to change. How do you reconcile love/acceptance with the simultaneous desire to change?

Also, let me illustrate the history behind my one bout of successful weight loss. My weight struggles all started when I was about 10 years old. Previous to that, I'd been a skinny kid (my parents were concerned because I was sometimes underweight!). For some unknown reason (hormones?) I became fat. I was a fat and miserable child from ages 10-13, being relentlessly criticized and teased by all of my peers. I can trace my bad self-image to the daily torment I endured. At some point when I was 13, I was really tired of being called "pregnant" or "fat b----" all of the time. My mom helped me to eat less by eliminating any snacks from our home, and I exercised. I also had a big growth spurt, which I think had a lot to do with the weight loss. I have to say my life improved greatly after having lost weight. While I was technically still overweight by maybe 20-30 pounds, most people wouldn't have called me "fat" but rather "normal" or "well-built." I was no longer ostracized.

I guess through high school and college, while I knew I was still overweight and struggled with it, I often still felt good about myself. My larger issues with my weight were really triggered about seven years ago, when I began a new profession (I can provide you with the details if you're curious) which was inordinately stressful. I was surrounded by a bunch of overachieving, super-competitive, nasty, conniving people who were mostly uniformly athletic (I've never been athletically talented) and thin. (Okay, yeah, I can definitely be called an overachieving type, and competitive, but I'm not conniving, nor am I thin. I'm not generally nasty, either.) Basically I felt like I was 12 years old again, the awkward fatty amongst the perfect people. Of my female colleagues, the thinner girls were treated better than me. Honestly, I'm not just making this up. Anyhow, I'm out of this situation (mostly) but it has left its scars.

Here's another question: Wosnes, you mentioned that you knew women who regardless of their weight made themselves look good. This agrees with what I've read about weight loss psychology--basically, it can be beneficial to try and make yourself look good no matter how much you weigh. Well, I've tried that and the problem is that I can't find any clothes that fit (that are suitable for women of my age). I'm short. If you look at a lot of petite clothes, it seems like they assume that all short women have no curves. Since I'm carrying extra weight, I do (and even at my ideal weight, I would--it's just my body type). Basically, clothes either don't have enough room in the right places, or they hang on me like tents. Any suggestions? (One rather shallow reason for wanting to lose weight is just so that when I go to buy clothes I don't have to try on the entire store before finding something that fits.)

You are all wonderful. You know, I even was encouraged to stop by the gym today because I thought of all of your encouragements.

Good-bye for a bit--I probably won't have as much computer access during my Thanksgiving vacation. Happy Thanksgiving to everybody!

--H

hexagon
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Post by hexagon » Tue Nov 21, 2006 2:00 am

Yo KCCC,

Your suggestion sounds really good. I think I'll try it.

I do have to agree with you about how awesome cooking is. I started to do it a lot more a few years ago (due to Atkins, ha!) and it is amazing how easy it is to make healthy, yummy food at home. I feel much better when I eat home-cooked food regularly. I always wonder why restaurants don't cook like that since it is easy enough to do. If you ever want to get into cooking even more, check out Cook's Illustrated magazine--it's always a fun read.

--H

This path is my life
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Post by This path is my life » Tue Nov 21, 2006 6:42 am

This is a great post Hexagon. And I can't add anything else b/c everyone's posts to this are so insightful and complete. The only thing I can add is my support and to say that I didn't have a very good night tonite and I was going to post about it right now, but when I read yours, you send everything I mean absolutely everything that I was thinking and feeling. I know how frustrating it can be to just feel like you can't "do it" even though logically eating normally seems about the simplest thing in the world. Anyway, best of luck and hopefully the responses to this post will help you, I know I'll be using them. Enjoy your Turkey Day!
"There is no such thing as a bad choice, there is only the next choice"

wosnes
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Post by wosnes » Tue Nov 21, 2006 1:10 pm

Oh, boy....

I don't think finding clothes that fit and look good is an easy job. It takes time and effort to find them. (I know, I know...) But there are probably more than a couple of stores or manufacturers that make clothes that will not only look good, but will be appropriate for you.
My question is this: how do I do that? I guess if I really loved myself as I currently am, I don't think I'd want to change. How do you reconcile love/acceptance with the simultaneous desire to change?
I should have seen that coming.

Loving and accepting yourself, or anyone else, doesn't have anything to do with perfection or satisfaction with the status quo. It doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement. It seems to me that you're confusing love and acceptance with idealistic perfection or no need for change. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Remember the movie Bridget Jones' Diary? Remember when Mark Darcy told Bridget that he liked her "just as you are"? That didn't mean that he wouldn't have liked a slimmer, non-smoking, drinking less, not quite so addle-brained Bridget.

I'm assuming that you love and accept your niece, just as she is. But that doesn't mean that you don't want her to do better for herself. And you will love and accept her whether or not she makes some changes.

Think of anyone you know and love and accept as they are. Undoubtedly, there's not a one of them you think is perfect, or that you don't get frustrated with now and again because they do or don't do this, that or the next thing.

The real question is why is it so hard for us to give that same love and acceptance to ourselves. And quite honestly, I really don't know. I do know that we don't need anyone to judge us or point out our shortcomings, because no one else could be as hard on us as we are on ourselves.

Look at this from another perspective. You have a good education and a good job. I'm assuming that you accept this to be the truth. Does that mean that you never want to learn more or get a better job, do better for yourself? Acceptance doesn't mean that you don't want to improve what exists. Being okay with the way things are now, accepting the way things are now, doesn't mean that you want them to be exactly that way forever!

There was once an extremely bad situation in my family. I told a family member that she had a choice. She could either accept the way things were or take the risk of losing someone very important to her. She told me that she couldn't accept this situation, because it was wrong, she didn't agree with it, etc. I told her that accepting something didn't mean liking or agreeing with it, it meant saying "this is the way things are now and I can't change that." That doesn't mean there isn't a desire for things to change or improve in the future.

We can't change the past; we can't change what got us to where we are now. But we do have the power to change where we go from here. It's like the Serenity Prayer says:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Then there's love. Probably the best definition and purest expression of love for another is putting their welfare before your own. So self-love means that your own welfare is important to you. It means that you take care of you and do what's best for you. It doesn't mean that you're without room for improvement.

kccc
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Post by kccc » Tue Nov 21, 2006 2:59 pm

Wosnes, good answer.

Hexagon, another take on it is "I love myself enough to do WHAT IS REALLY BEST FOR ME."

I love myself enough to eat healthy food - because I feel better when I do.
I love myself enough to exercise - same reason.
I love myself enough to make sure I get enough rest, enough relaxation, etc.
I love myself enough to make good choices. And not to beat myself up when I don't one time, but to celebrate all the times I did.

I love my family and my work... but I can't tend to them if I don't take care of myself. It's a lot like the "parents, put on your own oxygen mask first" advice on airlines...

(And yes, it's taken time for me to get to where I could write that, or even say it to myself. Give yourself time.)

wosnes
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Post by wosnes » Tue Nov 21, 2006 4:02 pm

"parents, put on your own oxygen mask first" advice on airlines...
I read somewhere that that was added to the pre-flight instructions specifically for women. Men usually seem to understand and know that if they're not breathing well, they can't help their kids or wives. Women, on the other hand, will do for the kids and the husband before she will think to use the oxygen for herself. Somehow the logic that if she's passed out from lack of O2 she can't be of help to others escapes many women.

KCCC -- this sort of goes along with what you said and always makes me think of the oxygen mask thing. It's from Oprah's magazine a few years ago:

I remember the first time, about a decade ago, that a psychologist on my show urged women to priortize their giving and put themselves at the top of the list. She was nearly booed off the stage.

"Why, the very idea of putting yourself first is what we were raised not to do," an audience member retorted. "How can you be there for your family if you're thinking about yourself?" said another. "That's just pure selfishness."

In defense of my guest, I tried to explain: "She didn't say abandon your children and go wild in the streets. She said give to yourself first so you'll be full enough to fill another's cup until it runneth over." The audience wasn't buying it.

That's because as women we've been programmed to sacrifice everything in the name of what is good and right for everyone else. Then if there's an inch left over, maybe we can have a piece of that.

We need to deprogram ourselves. I know for sure that you can't give what you don't have. If you allow yourself to be depleted to the point where your emotional and spiritual tank is empty and you're running on fumes of habit, everybody loses. Especially you.

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navin
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Post by navin » Tue Nov 21, 2006 11:27 pm

My question is this: how do I do that? I guess if I really loved myself as I currently am, I don't think I'd want to change. How do you reconcile love/acceptance with the simultaneous desire to change?
Not much to add here, lot of great posts already. The analogy I see with this one is, let's say you love, say, cooking. That means you will want to do it more, get better at it, start trying new recipies, etc. If you hated cooking, you wouldn't care how bad you were.

Same with a sport, if you love basketball, you'll want to improve your playing, learn more about the game, practice that hook shot, etc.

So the way I see it, the same thing applies to loving yourself. You'll want to make you a better person - by taking care of yourself, being kinder to others, etc. If you have a positive self attitude, you'll be more likely to think, "Yeah, I can do this!" instead of "I can't do it anyway, so why even bother trying?"

Happy Thanksgiving.
Before criticizing someone, you should try walking a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

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Post by reinhard » Wed Nov 22, 2006 2:54 am

Hexagon,

I think the reason not to give up (I'm not talking about the specific methodology of no-s, which might not be for you, but the bigger issue of getting to a healthy weight) is that it's sort of in the realm of responsibility (not to me or to society, but yourself). It's not like an optional ambition, but more like baseline good. If despite good behavior you could not get where you want to be, then maybe you could plead genetics and wash your hands of it morally, but if behavior is what's tripping you up...

I do not want to guilt trip you. If you don't care, I don't care. But I think you do care, and I don't think this caring is *just* something society has illegitimately foisted on you (there's some of that too, but society is foisting much more in the opposite direction, or most of us, men and women, wouldn't be so darn fat).

What if it's hopeless? Doesn't hopelessness negate responsibility? Well, I don't think it is hopeless, if you frame your goals in the right way. No-s might not be the right way. But even if it isn't, I think you can use some of the principles behind it to come up with a framework that gives you what you need: a meaningful and clear but low enough bar to success to provide continuing encouragement and some (however modest) results. Lower the standards if that's what it takes to succeed, the feeling of successful self command is ultimately the most important thing. But keep some standards, or there is no self command to feel. When you've built some willpower and confidence and behavioral rhythms on those lower standards, raise them if you think it's necessary. And so on.

It may take some experimenting to get the right behaviors in place. And even the exact right behavior might take several tries to click.

It sounds like you've got a lot of issues going on at once. And of course they all impact each other. But I think to solve them you have to start somewhere, even if that means drawing some artificial boundaries. It's hard to know which problem takes priority. Maybe socializing more is a bigger problem that you should tackle first. But diet does have the advantage (compared to socializing more) that the issues are relatively clear.

Hope this or something here helps!

Reinhard

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gettnbusy
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Post by gettnbusy » Mon Nov 27, 2006 11:53 pm

I LOVE this thread. Good going people!
~I'm still not perfect~
~Sophie~

hexagon
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Post by hexagon » Tue Nov 28, 2006 11:45 pm

Thank you everybody. I feel much better and more motivated with your support.

I got back late yesterday from my TG holiday. It is funny how spoiled I became from living close to huge airports. I'm flying from a small regional airport now, so I mostly cannot get direct flights anywhere, so I was stuck in my connecting airport due to the typical delays. At least I didn't buy any of the skanky airport food. This is partially due to the fact that my boyfriend's mom insisted upon packing a zillion snacks (yes, individually healthy snacks, but WAY too much).

Last week was pretty much a week of mondo big eating. My boyfriend's family pulled out all the stops and it was non-stop big dinners, desserts, etc.! I managed to get in a little bit of running, but it was hard with all of the family visits. Plus, we were in Houston, which to me is one giant strip mall--you have to drive everywhere, ugh! Apologies to any of you from Houston...

While I guess I blew it and didn't assert my willpower last week, somehow I don't feel so angry at myself. I don't know why I don't feel angry, but I guess it is a start. Tonight instead of exercising I'm going to go grocery shopping and I'll prep my food for the rest of the week, so I can stay healthy. I wish I could exercise too but if I do that and a week's worth of cooking, I won't get enough sleep. Maybe I'll do some of those dippy at-home exercise routines while I boil pasta or whatever. Hopefully my downstairs neighbors won't get mad with all of the jumping.

Well, I'd better stop babbling and catch the bus! Again, thanks a zillion for all of your helpful comments.

--H

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dippy at home exercises?

Post by bobbie » Wed Nov 29, 2006 1:48 am

Don't you know about shovelglove yet?

hexagon
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Post by hexagon » Wed Nov 29, 2006 3:21 am

Yep, I do. Personally with home exercise I've had better luck with activities that require no equipment, e.g. vigorous dancing to music. Plus, having recently moved, I don't have a sledgehammer, nor do I have a car yet to drive to a place where I can buy one. Maybe I could ask to borrow one from my co-workers, although, hmmm, maybe they'll wonder why I need it... :?

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