Unsupportive spouse

scaissie · Post by **scaissie** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 3:08 am

How do you handle spouses who have no weight problem at all and do not understand what you are doing? For instance, I was really proud of myself since I have been doing really good for 2 weeks, lost about 3 or 4 pounds, sat down on Saturday to eat my dessert, and my husband says "That is why you can't lose weight beause you eat stuff like that". I just reminded him of what the No S Plan is and how I was on it before and was successful, but it is hard to talk to someone who has no idea at all what it is like to have a weight problem.

phano · Post by **phano** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 5:47 am

Wow--it sounds like you handled that a lot better than I would have! Good for you for responding rationally. Did your husband back down at all after you explained things to him? I can't really offer any advice, but it's great that you're seeing results in such a short period of time.

Good luck to you!

MerryKat · Post by **MerryKat** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:35 pm

I am also married to a skinny person who does not understand my urge to snack, let alone my 5 x N-days followed by S-days where I treat myself.

I just patiently (most of the time) explain the 5 days of no snacking, no sweets, no seconds and 2 days of planned treats. He is getting it.

He is also slowly getting the fact that M-F I will not get him chocolate or treats and he has to help himself.

I try to put his comments and statements into the category of concern and a wish to help. Most of the time I succeed, but some days I want to hit him - I just bite my tongue and say "Today I am allowed a treat" and leave it at that.

Hang in there, we can do this and slowly our spouses learn that we have 5 days on and 2 days off.

Post by **reinhard** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 7:24 pm

On most diets, you put on a big show that you're on a diet ("no carbs, please..." , "let me get out the calorie counter") which has the advantage I guess of impressing some otherwise unsympathetic people. The downside is that as soon as these people aren't looking you start gorging yourself.

On the no s diet, all your excess is in the open. This is mostly a good thing, but it can result in some nasty comments. I'm sorry about this. I guess I'd just say to your husband (and yourself), thin people DO eat sweets sometimes. And they eat them, as you're doing, right out in the open, not surreptitiously. You are not putting on a show for anyone. You are REALLY eating less -- not just when people are looking, but overall.

Marriage is actually not a bad analogy for this new relationship to food. Before you were committing food adultery, dieting in public and gorging yourself in secret. Now you're eating legitimately, in the open. Though it's all out in the open -- because it's all out in the open -- you have much less to be ashamed of.

Anyway, hope you win your husband over somehow. If you stick with it, I'm sure he'll come around simply because he sees that it's working, but it'll be much easier to stick with it if he'll you support on the way there.

Reinhard

joasia · Post by **joasia** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:39 am

Get a new husband. I fought with mine for years. It made me so depressed all I wanted to do is eat. You want to be with someone who loves you no matter how you look, or you will be miserable.

joasia · Post by **joasia** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:41 am

or should I say loves the way you look. Dealing with weight is soooo hard, if you have someone making you feel like crap, it is almost impossible to find the motivation to lose.

elizabeth333 · Post by **elizabeth333** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 8:10 am

Wow, this is the reason I think I've failed many times trying to lose weight. My husband thinks if you want to lose weight you shouldn't eat anything that tastes good, yet he won't eat anything healthy AT ALL!! So if I tell him I want to lose weight he expects me to eat like a starving rabbit and also expects me to continue to deep fry his dinners! Anyway, for this reason I've chosen not to tell my husband about the nosdiet. After all I'm doing this for me, and sometimes I think he sabatoges me to keep me fat! This plan doesn't alter your eating enough to make it neccessary to explain what you're doing, and this site is here for support and accountability when you're not getting it from your spouse. Of course you're husband DOES know you're making some changes, so my solution won't work for you. Sorry. I do totally get what you're dealing with though, and it can really suck! Try to remember that you're doing it this way because cutting out the sweets completely WILL NEVER WORK, and you want to succeed! (Also taking a walk and Listening to music are great alternatives to slapping him!

laura99 · Post by **laura99** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 9:03 am

maybe he's worried you'll look really hot after the weight comes off and you'll go else where. don't listen to what he says do this for your self , don't let his comments dicourge you. you can do it!

wosnes · Post by **wosnes** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:00 pm

I don't think he's being unsupportive -- that would be bringing you the dessert on an N-day and insisting you eat it. But he doesn't understand. Everyone associates weight loss with deprivation, but "normal" people don't deprive themselves of sweets and treats. That's what people don't understand -- that you can have the sweets and treats (and not low-fat!) and continue to lose weight. It's changing habits and HOW you eat as much as paying attention to what you eat.

NoelFigart · Post by **NoelFigart** » Wed Feb 06, 2008 7:51 pm

scaissie wrote: "That is why you can't lose weight beause you eat stuff like that". I just reminded him of what the No S Plan is and how I was on it before and was successful, but it is hard to talk to someone who has no idea at all what it is like to have a weight problem.

You could say, "I've studied how thin people eat and I notice that thin people do typically eat three meals a day with the occasional treat. I've never known a thin person to avoid the occasional treat. Can you help me stick to a thin person way of eating? I don't want to diet. I want to make a permanent, real habit change."

ClickBeetle · Post by **ClickBeetle** » Thu Feb 07, 2008 12:24 am

Wow, I can't imagine what it would be like to share a household with someone who is that unsupportive. What an incredibly jerky thing to say.

Maybe you should focus less on debating the issue of what you're entitled to eat (what the -- !!) or trying to convince him, and shine more light on why he would be so nasty to you.

Here are some possibilities -- just for a starting point.
(1) "I BEG your pardon??"

(2) "I'll take your opinion under consideration"

(3) "I wonder how you think that remark is supposed to make me feel"

(4) Cold stare

(5) He sleeps on couch that night

kccc · Post by **kccc** » Thu Feb 07, 2008 2:20 am

If he doesn't have a weight problem, can you liken it to something he DOES have a problem with? A habit he's trying to break or form?

Or just calmly re-state the rules, and then add "Criticizing the process is not helpful to me. If you'd like to help, then I'd appreciate_________" (fill in with whatever you would personally find supportive - verbal encouragement, keeping snacky food out of the house, going for walks together, minding kids so you can take an exercise class, etc.)

With my husband, I try to "assume good intent" even when he says something totally tactless or off-base. Fortunately, I'm usually correct when I make that assumption, b/c he's really a good guy. (Even more fortunately, he cuts me the same kind of slack!) So, offering a more productive "way to help" might be an option.

elizabeth333 · Post by **elizabeth333** » Thu Feb 07, 2008 4:36 am

Today my husband made a couple of comments about what I ate. First comment was about a McDonalds Crispy Chicken Snack Wrap that was leftover from my lunch and I had put it in the fridge. The other was about using ranch dressing for things other than salad at dinner. He was basically telling me the same thing... that these are examples of why I'm heavy. Up untill this point I hadn't even told him about the nosdiet, because telling him about my diet plans has never benefited me in the past. So at this point I felt the need to inform him of the nosdiet that I've been doing, and how these things are o.k. to eat as long as they're part of my meal... He didn't seem impressed. I guess he doesn't buy it? I've only been eating this way for three days so far, but I did weigh myself tonight and found I've already lost 4 LBs! So I guess I just saying that I'm in the EXACT same boat with you, and I just don't care about his opinion of my food choices at this point, because I'm seeing results and soon he will too.

Dawn · Post by **Dawn** » Sat Feb 09, 2008 12:01 am

I think you should give Hubby a break, the poor guy used up his enthusiasm with the many other diets you have been on. History tells these people in our lives that we most likely will fail again, like all the other times. You can't really blame them for losing confidence in us. But at the same time, that's what loved ones are supposed do, they support us no matter what. Some of us are just better at that than others. I guess you will just have to show Hubby by losing weight this time. It's time to put up or shut up!!! Turn this into motivation, and give the guy a break, afterall he is just man (oh I know I am going to be hearing from the fellas!).

cab54 · Post by **cab54** » Sat Feb 09, 2008 10:22 pm

My secret to keeping people from making Pains of themselves......

I don't tell ANYBODY what I'm doing. Not my husband, not my mother, sisters, friends, or strangers. I don't say "I'm eating this or that way." or "I'm on a diet." I don't look for their support OR their annoyance. I just make their opinion much less important. Not angrily, just matter-of-factly. It's about ME---the whole weight loss thing. It's my problem and my business. Not open for discussion. I don't SAY this except to myself. That's the whole point--I zip my lip.

Now I learned this the hard way. I made it everyone else's business for a long time. It either made them very EXPECTANT of me--watching everything I put in my mouth, watching to see if I looked thinner. Or it made them scoff and be cruel. Or--it made them ask questions ad nauseum so I felt I was on display.

Now I just sit down to a meal and let them guess---guess whether I'm on a diet, guess if I look like I'm getting thinner.......... As far as anyone else is concerned, I am eating 3 meals a day, and looking a bit thinner. If they ask, I just shrug and say "Oh really? Hmmm."

My body, my business.

NoelFigart · Post by **NoelFigart** » Sat Feb 09, 2008 11:25 pm

scaissie wrote:How do you handle spouses who have no weight problem at all and do not understand what you are doing?

I got to thinking about this because I was avoiding doing Real Work.

We've missed the completely obvious solution.

Pepper spray.

Operant conditioning really does work wonders. I mean, think about it.

"Honey should you be eat tha---- AUUGGGH AUUUGHHH MY EYES!!!"

Pepper spray is cheap and relatively easy to get in most locations. Oh sure, the medical bills from a couple of repeats will be high, but you won't have to do it often, right?

Why are you all looking at me like that?

Never mind... I'll just go sit here in the corner eating worms. (Worms are no S, right?)

wosnes · Post by **wosnes** » Sun Feb 10, 2008 12:46 am

scaissie wrote:How do you handle spouses who have no weight problem at all and do not understand what you are doing?

How do you handle anyone who doesn't understand what you're doing? You educate them. For someone with no understanding of a situation (or who can do all the things you can't with no repurcussions) it may take repeated attempts and examples of something they can relate to. You don't get defensive.

Though I do like cab54's idea.

Dawn · Post by **Dawn** » Sun Feb 10, 2008 5:17 pm

Noel, you are only saying what we all are thinking. Some people might say that your brain to mouth filter is a bit off, personally I think you are just honest - refreshingly so.

I do think I like Cab54's approach best, but if that fails, pepper spay is coming out baby!!!

NoelFigart · Post by **NoelFigart** » Sun Feb 10, 2008 5:54 pm

Dawn wrote:Noel, you are only saying what we all are thinking. Some people might say that your brain to mouth filter is a bit off, personally I think you are just honest - refreshingly so.

I do think I like Cab54's approach best, but if that fails, pepper spay is coming out baby!!!

I used to vent to someone in my life about another friend in my life and how I could effect a much-wanted behavior change.

"Pepper spray" became a running joke between us.

Everyday Systems

Unsupportive spouse

Unsupportive spouse

unsupportive spouse

Re: Unsupportive spouse

Re: Unsupportive spouse

Re: Unsupportive spouse