GOOD LORD what IS it going to TAKE I ASK you??? I admit that in the past on a board, if I slipped, I wouldn't admit it for anything... but I'm finding I just can't do that here. It's time to ask for help and swallow my pride, without feeling like a failure so here goes...And boy what a pride swallower this is for me, to admit this soon how weak I am. But I'm not about to let myself get on here and be dishonest with you all, as I've been with myself. I mean how else can anyone help me if I'm not honest with them, or myself?
I've screwed up everyday since committing to start this (can't even remember if it's been 2 days or 3). It's nobody's fault but my own.. WHAT THE HAYULL kind of deep seeded crap from 35 yrs of a love-hate relationship with food, is gripping me like this?? WHY do I have to fall into this "nothing is going to control ME" mentality every dang time? Who am I kidding here? I think I know it's my need to teach my "Mr. Weight Police" brother a lesson (who criticized my weight since I was 15 yrs old, when I weighed a healthy 135 lbs and now that look back on it, looked HOT I might add... and oohhhhhh what it would be like to weigh that NOW... Well I'm SHOWING HIM all right... eating my way to not losing weight and in showing HIM, I'm only hurting myself.
I'd LOVE to get back down, to what I was conditioned to think was WAY too much weight and "never good enough" by a brother who thought only size 2 or 4 and/or 100 lbs apparently was what EVERY female should be, so anything more than that just wasn't acceptable. (This was way back in the 70s by the way when it started. He leaves me alone about it now. I guess when he found out I had Leukemia and actually cried for a couple minutes, he realized in the grand scheme of things maybe that wasn't so important... who knows???)
I was a size 9/11 at that time... which I see now is NOT TOO BIG AT ALL! Needless to say, I idolized him, my only big brother, and seeked his approval for everything, since I thought he was the King of everything so obviously what HE thought was ALL that mattered.
Ok, now that I've exposed a childhood issue or two in my family... which I hate doing cuz I was raised to think that what everyone else thinks REALLY MATTERS... so it's really hard for me to "expose" anything. Especially when I know what a sweet angel my precious mother was before she died... I felt like I lost my whole world...
ANYWAY, enough of that mushy family mess. Confused So all of that was to say... well I don't really know, cept to blow some very pent up steam I guess. Ha! I can however say, that my "cheats" in the last couple days were each once daily, instead of eating something with sugar 3-4x daily. That's the best I could do I spose at least at that time. I did have some feelings of freedom, and even a feeling of self-control a few minutes each day. Neither of which I've felt in a lonnnnnnng time. So that's progress. I gotta tell you, when I did feel it, man did it feel good.
I don't mean to beat myself up so much, I know I should be proud of what I DID accomplish during this time and I can't fix it overnight. It's just that No S just seems so perfect for people like me, whose drug of choice is food. And it seems so attainable, and makes the most sense of everything I've ever read about or tried to do. So I was really pumped about it but didn't last 2 days. I'm going to have to figure out some really good mind tricks to use on myself because even when I did choose to eat my favorite ice cream, I'm not too sure I wanted it and I know I wasn't physically hungry for it. I just wanted it more than anything because I knew I "couldn't have it" til the weekend. So again... I'll show SOMEBODY Rolling Eyes, I can't be controlled, when I know that is directly related to my love/hate relationship with my brother (when it comes to my past mostly).
Well anyway... that's it for now. REALLY sorry to be so long here, but I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I'm reaching out for whatever help I can get on here, even if it means admitting to things I don't typically want to share.
Ok, honesty time and for me, that's HUGE! I need help.
Moderators: Soprano, automatedeating
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Bumpkyns
- Posts: 93
- Joined: Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:42 am
- Location: Middle TN, where there's no North or South!
Ok, honesty time and for me, that's HUGE! I need help.
Last edited by Bumpkyns on Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
Hang in there and keep trying. Hour by hour.
I had a hard time the first week of noSing (and I still have week long or Longer! relapses when stress gets the better of me). Get over that week hump where every cell in your body is asking you what the heck is going on!!??
It was used to eating all the time so insulin still is released and you feel feel hungry. Once things reset, it gets better.
Also, know that (these are the things I've learned and come to understand about myself):
I will not Die from Hunger. It's just a feeling. It's not all that bad and is not an emergency. THe next meal is not far off (and make sure to eat well/healthy as the nutrients and fiber helps me, especially from fruits, veggies and whole grains).
I kindof had to treat myself like my toddlers: If it's not mealtime, it's just simply not time to eat.
Every day adds up. It adds up not only to weight loss, but also to new, sane habits. Even though I slip up from time to time, I still have held onto the No Seconds rule. Anymore than one plate and I feel waay overfull, bloaty and miserable for several hours after.
Hang in there. Don't be afraid to be a little tough with the inner tummy toddler
It will add up.
And posting about failures is very liberating, cleansing. Next meal, start anew, don't give up!
I had a hard time the first week of noSing (and I still have week long or Longer! relapses when stress gets the better of me). Get over that week hump where every cell in your body is asking you what the heck is going on!!??
It was used to eating all the time so insulin still is released and you feel feel hungry. Once things reset, it gets better.
Also, know that (these are the things I've learned and come to understand about myself):
I will not Die from Hunger. It's just a feeling. It's not all that bad and is not an emergency. THe next meal is not far off (and make sure to eat well/healthy as the nutrients and fiber helps me, especially from fruits, veggies and whole grains).
I kindof had to treat myself like my toddlers: If it's not mealtime, it's just simply not time to eat.
Every day adds up. It adds up not only to weight loss, but also to new, sane habits. Even though I slip up from time to time, I still have held onto the No Seconds rule. Anymore than one plate and I feel waay overfull, bloaty and miserable for several hours after.
Hang in there. Don't be afraid to be a little tough with the inner tummy toddler
It will add up. And posting about failures is very liberating, cleansing. Next meal, start anew, don't give up!
{FarmerHal} ...previously Shamrockmommy...
Vanilla NoS... Making good habits.
Restart 12/2015, size 22
3/2016 size 18
1/2018 size 18
Vanilla NoS... Making good habits.
Restart 12/2015, size 22
3/2016 size 18
1/2018 size 18
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Hunter Gatherer
- Posts: 317
- Joined: Fri Jan 27, 2006 2:30 am
- Location: Texas
Don't worry about long posts! Feel free to rant your heart out. We are here to read and support you.
As the G. I. Joe cartoon used to say "Knowing is half the battle!" Writing about your problem just may help you next time you reach for a cookie!
Try thinking about it as "Nobody can control me into eating this ice cream!" Not advertisers, not relatives, not traumatic relationships. Next time you're staring the spoon in the face scream "I'll show you!" and pour it in the sink. Vent your wrath by destroying it with something other than your mouth. Be loud. Be rowdy. Ignore the waste.
I'm sure Deb will come along eventually to play the angel so I don't mind playing the devil for a bit: destruction can be good, violence can be good. Direct them away from yourself like when you cut away from yourself with a knife. Hurt the food that is trying to hurt you!
Hope I'm not being too flippant, but think of the chapter about laughing at yourself.
As the G. I. Joe cartoon used to say "Knowing is half the battle!" Writing about your problem just may help you next time you reach for a cookie!
Try thinking about it as "Nobody can control me into eating this ice cream!" Not advertisers, not relatives, not traumatic relationships. Next time you're staring the spoon in the face scream "I'll show you!" and pour it in the sink. Vent your wrath by destroying it with something other than your mouth. Be loud. Be rowdy. Ignore the waste.
I'm sure Deb will come along eventually to play the angel so I don't mind playing the devil for a bit: destruction can be good, violence can be good. Direct them away from yourself like when you cut away from yourself with a knife. Hurt the food that is trying to hurt you!
Hope I'm not being too flippant, but think of the chapter about laughing at yourself.
"You've been reading about arctic explorers," I accused him. "If a man's starving he'll eat anything, but when he's just ordinarily hungry he doesn't want to clutter up his stomach with a lot of candy."
Dashiell Hammett
Dashiell Hammett
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Bumpkyns
- Posts: 93
- Joined: Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:42 am
- Location: Middle TN, where there's no North or South!
You BOTH offered up some awesome suggestions/thoughts that will be good for me to think about everytime I'm about to slip up or cave from old issues that I allow to control me. You're right Sham, I definitely won't die if I skip something, and I like the idea of even if I do cave... all the other goodness I've done will still add up.
Hunter... thx for helping me feel better about long ranting.. ha! I know "I" typically don't like trying to read those (unless it's something I can relate to and/or help someone in some way), and I assume most others don't want to either. Then there's always a few like you and Shamrock, who will step up and help the "desperate" few...
I love your idea about changing my thought process with that "control issue" and turn it around, or into a new direction. Awesome... and by the way, you can play devil's advocate all you want honey.. 
lol and I'm looking fwd. to hearing from this Deb person I don't know yet... I like looking at both sides of anything. Guess it's the teacher in me.
I'm really looking fwd. to getting to know some of you guys... thanks again for awesome information, and hopefully Deb will pop in here and we'll take it from there!
Hunter... thx for helping me feel better about long ranting.. ha! I know "I" typically don't like trying to read those (unless it's something I can relate to and/or help someone in some way), and I assume most others don't want to either. Then there's always a few like you and Shamrock, who will step up and help the "desperate" few...
I love your idea about changing my thought process with that "control issue" and turn it around, or into a new direction. Awesome... and by the way, you can play devil's advocate all you want honey.. lol and I'm looking fwd. to hearing from this Deb person I don't know yet... I like looking at both sides of anything. Guess it's the teacher in me. I'm really looking fwd. to getting to know some of you guys... thanks again for awesome information, and hopefully Deb will pop in here and we'll take it from there!
Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!
One of the things about No-S is that it shines a spotlight on more than our food habits. In changing our habits, we expose "root causes" of eating. It becomes a process of personal growth... sometimes painful, but in a cleansing way. Like when a wound has to be cleaned out before it can heal.
I think most of us who've been around a while have been through phases of that kind of self-revelation, sometimes more than one, and can relate at some level. That's why I keep telling people "be gentle with yourself" (and keep trying to learn that myself). In changing our habits and our bodies, we scratch the surface of something deeper and more important. And it is NOT EASY.
But it is possible. Step by tiny step, we can move in a new direction.
Hang in there. Rant away. And continue to make new choices and recognize your own power to do so.
Best wishes.
I think most of us who've been around a while have been through phases of that kind of self-revelation, sometimes more than one, and can relate at some level. That's why I keep telling people "be gentle with yourself" (and keep trying to learn that myself). In changing our habits and our bodies, we scratch the surface of something deeper and more important. And it is NOT EASY.
But it is possible. Step by tiny step, we can move in a new direction.
Hang in there. Rant away. And continue to make new choices and recognize your own power to do so.
Best wishes.
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Jammin' Jan
- Posts: 2002
- Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:55 pm
- Location: The Village
Try thinking about it as "Nobody can control me into eating this ice cream!" Not advertisers, not relatives, not traumatic relationships. Next time you're staring the spoon in the face scream "I'll show you!" and pour it in the sink. Vent your wrath by destroying it with something other than your mouth. Be loud. Be rowdy. Ignore the waste.
You are so right, Hunter. No matter how stressed out I am right now, NOBODY but me is going to control what I put in my mouth.
Wish I had read your post before I crammed those two pieces of buttered toast in my mouth an hour ago. It's an S-Day, but, still, I really didn't need it. I will be more constructively destructive next time!
I have a few thoughts for you.
First, the main goal is to develop new habits, in accordance with the No-S rules. Remember that.
Drink Lots of water. Whenever you feel hungry, have a big, tall glass.
Keep telling yourself that you can do this, your body can survive for MANY MANY days without food. So the few hours until your next meal isn't a big deal.
Here's my "Jedi Mind Trick" I wrote about a couple years ago on this board. When you feel hungry (and I mean actual, stomach-rumbling hunger, NOT cravings) it means your body needs energy. If you don't eat, then the only place your body can get that energy is.... to burn your stored fat cells. So when you feel hungry and DON'T eat, it's a sign that your body is burning fat!
Try to understand the relationship between your eating habits and your emotional cycles. If you find, as so many of us do, that you eat more when you are feeling certain emotions, then stop yourself from eating at those times. Follow the No-S rules to the letter, and soon enough the only emotion you'll experience in relation to diet is PLEASURE from eating WONDERFUL food without guilt. When you stop stress- or binge-eating, find another, healthier coping mechanism to replace bingeing.
First, the main goal is to develop new habits, in accordance with the No-S rules. Remember that.
Drink Lots of water. Whenever you feel hungry, have a big, tall glass.
Keep telling yourself that you can do this, your body can survive for MANY MANY days without food. So the few hours until your next meal isn't a big deal.
Here's my "Jedi Mind Trick" I wrote about a couple years ago on this board. When you feel hungry (and I mean actual, stomach-rumbling hunger, NOT cravings) it means your body needs energy. If you don't eat, then the only place your body can get that energy is.... to burn your stored fat cells. So when you feel hungry and DON'T eat, it's a sign that your body is burning fat!
Try to understand the relationship between your eating habits and your emotional cycles. If you find, as so many of us do, that you eat more when you are feeling certain emotions, then stop yourself from eating at those times. Follow the No-S rules to the letter, and soon enough the only emotion you'll experience in relation to diet is PLEASURE from eating WONDERFUL food without guilt. When you stop stress- or binge-eating, find another, healthier coping mechanism to replace bingeing.
JWL[.|@]Freakwitch[.]net