Eating to Please Others

resting52 · Post by **resting52** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:54 pm

Had my first Red day yesterday and didn't even want to admit it to myself until this morning.

Went to a covered dish meeting with good friends and took about a 2 tablespoon second helping of egg salad. I didn't even want it, but the lady that made the salad was sitting next to me. In my mind I was thinking, "This will make her feel good about her dish if I take seconds." Where did that come from? Why didn't I just say, "Your egg salad is delicious. I'd love the recipe." Why did I think my eating would make her happy? I'd already planned all the responses to not having a chocolate chip cookie for dessert. Guess what? Nobody noticed or questioned my skipping the cookies.

Well, this "failure" has been very instructive for me. Anyone relate?

Resting52

Nichole · Post by **Nichole** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:58 pm

I ate to please other last night. We have get-togethers on Wednesday nights and my mom brought a cake. Well, I thought no one would have some, so I split a piece with her. I was right, my sister and bro-in-law didn't have any. I just felt so bad that she went out of her way and spent money on a cake and then no one wanted it! It was my first "failure" in my 13 days. I don't feel guilty, but still . . . I felt bad that no one wanted any cake cause we're all watching our weights!

resting52 · Post by **resting52** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:01 pm

Hey Nicole,

What will you do next time?

Resting52

Nichole · Post by **Nichole** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:18 pm

Hmmmm maybe I'll take some and save it for the weekend? Not sure.

Blithe Morning · Post by **Blithe Morning** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:20 pm

Arrggghhh, this is tough. There are so many dynamics involved in social eating. My husband's grandmother is a wonderful cook. It's something she's quite good at too and it is a way for her to show her love to people and in turn feel loved and appreciated.

You can imagine the tension that was caused when I came into the family with all my diet head thinking. I feel bad now in that I realize I was sending her the message that I didn't appreciate her. I wish I knew about No S back then, I would have been able to eat more freely and affirm her more.

Anyway, I can understand why people feel obligated to eat food others made. I like the asking for the recipe idea. With family, asking for a piece for later works, or you just have to train them that you will eat whatever they bring on Saturdays. No easy solutions there.

Nichole · Post by **Nichole** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:29 pm

Blithe Morning wrote: I like the asking for the recipe idea.

Asking for the recipe of someone's has to be the biggest compliment!!! I got asked by two people for the recipe to my sister's taco dip that I made for a shower. It was awesome and I was so excited to tell my sister that people asked for her recipe.

Noturningback · Post by **Noturningback** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 6:52 pm

nfalcone wrote:Hmmmm maybe I'll take some and save it for the weekend? Not sure.

That seems perfect! Thank you for the idea. I can see myself in a position, every so often, where I might think; "I would love to have that if it were the weekend."

One could easily say; "I'm so stuffed but, I just need to try that cake. Would you mind if I took a piece home with me?"

Other than that, I suppose having a sliver or two bites, of one thing, on your meal plate would be fine.

While I was finishing the book last night, I thought about how Reinhard referred to American restaurant servings being on platter-sized "plates". I decided that, if I were in that situation, I would ask for a second plate and take what I wanted from the "platter" - kind of like a buffet or smÃ¶rgÃ¥sbord and bag the rest.

~Danielle

blueskighs · Post by **blueskighs** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 4:21 am

I am not good so good at this. I get irritated when people push food on me ... I know I know I should be more understanding ... but why aren't they understanding that I just don't want it!!!!!!!!!!!BWAHHHHHHHHH!

Anyway ... there are good standards, thank you I am full, maybe later, I have a headache ... would you please just go away and leave me alone already ... just kidding...

does anyone else hate when people constantly watch what you eat and talk about it? DRIVES ME NUTS.

Blueskighs

lola628 · Post by **lola628** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 8:25 am

I've never had people watch what I eat, but I have had my great aunt Mary push her peach pies (plural) on me. This sweet 90 year old woman loves to feed people. She'll ask 10 times "do you want more??" I'll say "No thank you, I"m full up" then she'll pass me some other massive bowl of food "Here ya go!" (she's kind of deaf so saying "No" doesn't register with her. Dinners with her felt like an SNL skit.)

One day she baked two peach pies. She asked which pie I wanted, I was like "......uh......I guess the one on the left." She said "Here, try both." I said "but but but but but I only want one." She said "Try BOTH, then tell me which one you like better." (bloody hell!) I'm sure you can guess the rest of this story, I didn't have the heart to tell her they tasted exactly alike!

I didn't get to see Aunt Mary very often so I think I would turn those visits in to an S day. Seriously, I don't need the drama.

lmt2pt · Post by **lmt2pt** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:04 pm

lola- in that case I would say seeing Aunt Mary is an s day.

Nichole- I would talk to your mom before the next weekday get together. Tell her that you loved the dessert, but since everyone else is watching their weight and you try not to eat sweets during the week if she could bring something else on weekdays and save the awesome cakes for weekend get togethers none of the cake will go to waste. Polite honesty goes a long way. And if you make a point to ask her to bring the dessert if you see her on an S day, she'll know that you really are appriciative.

As far as social eating in general, I have found asking for the recipe is great as is simply making a point to tell the person how much you enjoyed their dish. An honest compliment is so rare these days that even if you only ate a bite of what you put on your plate, if you honestly enjoyed it and told the cook so, they will be forever grateful.

Nichole · Post by **Nichole** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:19 pm

lola628 wrote:I've never had people watch what I eat, but I have had my great aunt Mary push her peach pies (plural) on me. This sweet 90 year old woman loves to feed people. She'll ask 10 times "do you want more??" I'll say "No thank you, I"m full up" then she'll pass me some other massive bowl of food "Here ya go!" (she's kind of deaf so saying "No" doesn't register with her. Dinners with her felt like an SNL skit.)

One day she baked two peach pies. She asked which pie I wanted, I was like "......uh......I guess the one on the left." She said "Here, try both." I said "but but but but but I only want one." She said "Try BOTH, then tell me which one you like better." (bloody hell!) I'm sure you can guess the rest of this story, I didn't have the heart to tell her they tasted exactly alike!

I didn't get to see Aunt Mary very often so I think I would turn those visits in to an S day. Seriously, I don't need the drama.

Sounds just like what my sister went through a long time ago when she was losing a lot of weight. Her mom-in-law would push her to eat cake when she didn't want to. These kind of situations are tough.

resting52 · Post by **resting52** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:46 pm

I really liked the comment:

"One could easily say; "I'm so stuffed but, I just need to try that cake. Would you mind if I took a piece home with me?" "

Now that I'm actually looking at and listening to my own group eating behaviors, I see that this has been much more ME focused. I was afraid I would offend when actually nobody cared.

AND, this has made me rethink my own pushy behaviors. I now realize that if someone WANTS seconds, they will generally ASK for seconds. I do not need to be the table police monitoring the passing of dishes.

Blueskighs, you are a hoot. Do you actually ever say those things?

Resting52

blueskighs · Post by **blueskighs** » Sat Apr 19, 2008 4:32 am

resting52 ...

thank you
sometimes things that even amaze me just fly out of mouth ... fortunately my husband who is the diplomat of the century is very patient and loving while I chew on my foot ...

I try to be good ... but being irreverent is so much more ... zesty!

but you make an EXCELLENT point ... MOST ... I know know ... not all ... but most people really don't care ... what we eat ...

Blueskighs

Terez · Post by **Terez** » Sat Apr 19, 2008 4:59 am

Noturningback wrote: One could easily say; "I'm so stuffed but, I just need to try that cake. Would you mind if I took a piece home with me?"

That's inspired, Danielle -- and I'm stealing it effective Monday! THANK YOU!!

Terez

NoelFigart · Post by **NoelFigart** » Sat Apr 19, 2008 12:42 pm

resting52 wrote:Well, this "failure" has been very instructive for me. Anyone relate?

Yeah, especially this week.

I stayed at my family's home for the first time in almost a decade. So it was pulling out all the stops from the whole family for food as well as taking me to a lot of places where there are special desserts I'd liked. (Fredericksburg, VA natives, if there are any here, know Carl's Frozen Custard. Williamsburg, VA natives know the Trellis and Death by Chocolate).

I was not quite so full of fail on working out. My parents have a pretty decent home gym, so I got on the exercise bike most mornings. I count walking all over Williamsburg and Jamestown as fine Urban Rangering, too.

I knew it was gonna happen and just confined myself to not taking seconds. Not great, not insane.

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