Unsupportive spouse

[scaissie]

My husband is one of those naturally thin people who think that they are supposed to be your "diet police". When I get on the weekend "S" days anytime I eat a cookie or something he says "I thought you were supposed to be on a diet". I guess there is really nothing to say, I just have to show him it is going to work. He has always been critical of my weight, he just doesn't have a clue what it would be like to have a weight problem. But like a marriage counselor we went to told him one time, he has other problems that he has not conquered in his life and he shouldn't be so judgmental.

[gingercake]

Oh boy, not helpful. Yeah, sounds like a good time to change the subject or go do something else. Hang in there - lots of support on the boards!

[wosnes]

Well, it's a little late for this, but you might try what a few others of us have done: Don't tell a soul what you're doing -- just let them see the weight loss as it occurs. I'm guessing that he wouldn't be open to a discussion about No-S being more about habits than what you eat or reading the book or the diet home page.

Gingercake is right -- lots of support here.

[NoelFigart]

Pepper Spray.

Never underestimate the power of operant conditioning.

Okay, you really can't do that.

Honestly? I'm way in favor of assertive communication. "I feel attacked and belittled when people comment on what I'm eating. I don't want you to do it again."

You're owning your own feelings and not blaming him, but still asking for what you want.

I just read a book on a study I'm doing for relationships, by the way. One of the things that hit me in your comment was the "proving to him" thing. It might be helpful to you to let the need for him to agree with you or what you're doing go. You're a grownup and really, honestly don't have a thing to prove to him.

[resting52]

Dear Shannon,

Have you ever read the book Boundaries? Another good one by the same authors is Boundaries in Marriage. These are great books to go through with your spouse. Your husband is NOT your father and you are NOT his child. Unless you have asked him to be your diet police and he is doing this as a service to you, I (now this is just me) would kindly tell him that his comments are unwelcome and from now on are totally off limits. He is, however, more than welcome to tell you how wonderful you are and how blessed he is to have you in his life.

Having gone through umpteen different diets in front of my dh-and succeeding then failing them all, he had unwelcome comments of his own. I used to be afraid to even tell him that I was starting a new diet because I didn't want the negative comments. Now he knows better-but only because I set up that boundary.

Welcome to a joyful, healthy relationship with food.

I'm glad you are here.

Resting
Oh, and use the pepper spray if that doesn't work.

[oolala53]

I've never been married, so I don't know how these things work. However, I have had boyfriends and, miraculously, only one of them ever made any comments about what I ate. The only reason he did it was because he thought it might get to me and he, poor darling, had no other leverage over me! It never worked because I knew he thought I looked fantastic and didn't want me to lose any weight. Plus this was long before people had all these prejudices about food. (I know, you're thinking, Why aren't you married to him? Cookies crumble.) Anyway, perhaps you actually asked your husband at one point to help monitor you. Sounds like it's time to end that arrangement. Maybe you could trade him? you agree to lay off an area that you've been bugging him about (as long as it's not his quitting bank robberies or dating other women) and he doesn't say anything about what you eat or what he doesn't like about your looks. Or is that kind of bargaining bad form in a good marriage?

I was recently involved with a man who is about 60 lbs. overweight. Thankfully, I was old enough and wise enough to realize that I either accepted what he eats or get out of the relationship, since he is a big boy and his choices are his own. (It's a little late for that , most likely, in your relationship. We weren't even going steady.) Not only that, he is a doctor, so I think he has a general idea of what he should and shouldn't be doing. If he ain't doing it, it's got to be his choice. His size didn't stop me from being attracted to him, either. That was a first. So I just enjoyed every bite I took during our meals together and concentrated on having fun. We aren't having a romance for other reasons--much bigger than food!-- but it was a good experience in letting things be and in knowing what I expected in others' treatment of me.

You might also look to see if you aren't doubting yourself a bit, too. I'm realizing more and more that I can't be ruffled much by things I have conviction on. You have a perfect right to give this program a fair try. How else will you find out what you need for yourself? I would think he'd be happy that you're not forbidding certain foods in the house and such.

Good luck with standing your ground on this. Most of all, don't eat over it!

[scaissie]

Thanks for all of the great answers!! Actually I did not really tell him about the "No S" diet, I just said I was watching what I ate, then when he saw cinnamon rolls on Saturday morning, he said "I thought you were on a diet"- and I did tell him how I felt about him saying that, and I did not explain the No S plan to him because he would not understand. Yes, I have read the Boundaries book, and I am always re-reading it because I have to put up a lot of boundaries with him. And whoever said I do not have to prove it to him was right, this is not for him, it is for me.

[gratefuldeb67]

Well I'd say that sounds like he is actually somehow in his mind, trying to be concerned that you stick with whatever plan you have chosen.
Albeit in a very annoying way! LOL

Why not take the time to explain that you are doing NoS and that you are only restricting S's during the week but weekends they are allowed.
How can he be supportive of you in your plan if he doesn't know what you are doing?

Hope you can work things out. Let him know his emotional support is appreciated and see if there are other ways he can support you in your efforts in other ways, ie: cleaning the house, giving you a break so you can go for a walk, or even go together

It's really important that family is supportive and usually they do come around as long as you set your boundaries consistently and without losing your cool.

Best to you.
Debs

[blueskighs]

Scaisse,

for the most part my husband is enormously patient and supportive, but after ten years of watching my "food stuff" sometimes he does not immediately "jump on the bandwagon" when I try something new. When I first started NO S I did try to explain it to him, but I think it mostly went in one ear and out the other and he just kind of nodded as his eyes glazed over

BUT, on about the SIXTH WEEK, when he saw me STOP AGAIN on Monday and jump right back onto N days for the week he became a convert and he is my biggest No S Supporter. He also coined the phase "that's what S days are for" and does not EVER say anything no matter what or how much I eat on S days cause now he knows on N days I'll be back to no snacks, no sweets, and no seconds.

Since this has had a HUGE postive impact on his life ... He now loves the No S Diet ... sometimes it just takes a little "seeing is believing"

Blueskighs

[BrightAngel]

sometimes he does not immediately "jump on the bandwagon" when I try something new.
... sometimes it just takes a little "seeing is believing"

This is also how it is with my Husband.

[reinhard]

A bunch of good advice here.

To reiterate/reformulate a little:

Explicitly ask him not to make comments about your eating anymore. Tell him you're doing you're best, but that it's very demoralizing to feel like the impetus is not coming from you. If you're going to succeed, he needs to let you do your own policing, to own your own problem. Tell him he doesn't need to actively encourage (though that would be nice) just to refrain from criticizing.

And if he can refrain from criticizing long enough, he might be sufficiently impressed by the results to lose all inclination to do so.

It might also help to explain to him that the POINT of this diet is not to sneak around all observation, but to be up front about what you're eating. Unlike previous diets, that might have "looked" better, as far as he could see, what he sees here is as bad/good as it gets. So he should factor that into his evaluation. When he criticizes, it makes you want to sneak again -- a disaster both it terms of diet and happiness.

Reinhard

[HelloKitty]

Hi scaissie,

I'm on the other side of the coin - I'm the "skinny spouse", and my husband is the one who struggles with his weight (he is new to No S and I'm supporting him).

I've found that people with weight problems often tend to look at “naturally†slim people as lucky and therefore not deserving of any credit for their appearance. Only those who've had to struggle to lose weight are deserving of praise. We look at people who have lost weight and asked them "how DID you do it?". Interesting that we rarely look at people who have ALWAYS been slim and ask "how DO you do it?" It's assumed that they do nothing; that it's just good genes.

Now I'm not going to pretend I don't have genetics on my side; obesity doesn't run in my family. However, I am not a naturally skinny person; when I eat too much, I gain weight. But I’m very aware of my food choices, and those choices are ultimately responsible for how I look. Of course, there ARE people out there who eat whatever they want and never gain, but if you examined the diets and activity levels of most "naturally" slim people, I bet you would find a lot more effort goes into it than meets the eye. After so many years of eating right (I was basically raised on the No-S diet), it may not be as much CONSCIOUS effort, but there is definitely a constant awareness of what and how I’m eating. To be honest, it frustrates me when people write this off as nothing. If I turn down a dessert, I’ll get a comment like “oh what do you care, you’re skinny, you can afford itâ€. I often think to myself “I’m skinny BECAUSE I care, it’s not the other way around!â€. But people usually assume there’s no plan, no effort, just luck.

For many years I tried to help my husband by explaining to him how I ate. It would frustrate me that he’d complain about his weight gain and I’d give him advice, but then he wouldn’t take it. I understand of course that he wasn’t purposely not taking my advice; I realize it’s a very difficult journey and I’m in no way trying to minimize that. But it IS frustrating. I have at times felt like yelling “Can’t you see that what I’m telling you to do WORKS? I’m right here in front of you; LIVING PROOF that IT WORKS! Just try it and you’ll see!!!†Perhaps your husband is feeling the same way. You said: "He has always been critical of my weight, he just doesn't have a clue what it would be like to have a weight problem." Do you think this is really true, or perhaps just your perception? Maybe he has been modeling good eating habits to you all along and it frustrates him that you don’t “learn†from his example.

No matter what, I don’t agree with your husband being critical of you – he should be supportive of you and empathetic to the struggle. It breaks my heart to see my husband get depressed about his weight, and because I love and respect him, I try my best to be positive and HELP. I am just suggesting that if you examine his comments & behaviour from another perspective, they may not seem so critical after all; rather, maybe they just stem from frustration. I’m picking up that you have other issues in your marriage (you mentioned counseling and putting up a lot of boundaries), so maybe this goes a lot deeper than the weight issue.

I also agree with previous posters – I think it’s best to either be completely open with him and explain No S, or don’t say anything and work on it yourself. To give him half the story isn’t fair.

Good luck to you, be strong, and know that you can do this!!!

[Kathleen]

Empathize with him. It does seem odd that you would have a cookie when you're supposed to be on a diet. This diet goes against all conventional wisdom about dieting, and it's not even written by someone who is an expert in the field. Why would it work? It doesn't seem to make sense that you would restrict food all week and then lift the restrictions on the weekend.

We're a nation of people who follow the conventional wisdom, and it shows. Look up Kelly Brownell online. He's head of the Yale Institute for Nutrition and Obesity, he's spent his career on this issue, he's written a highly regarded book on dieting, and he's overweight.

This is a difficult, difficult problem, and your husband has put up it for years. I'm very empathetic with my husband about the problems my weight has caused in our lives. It is very sweet to be going out to dinner to celebrate a 10 pound weight loss.

Now about the next 60...

Kathleen

[gingercake]

Hi scaissie,

I'm on the other side of the coin - I'm the "skinny spouse", and my husband is the one who struggles with his weight (he is new to No S and I'm supporting him).

HK - Thanks SO MUCH for posting this, great insight. I think money works this way, too. I see my in-laws and how well they've planned their retirement, and sometimes think, geez, why don't you replace the 17-year-old car, you can afford it, then I think - the reason they are not worried about retirement is BECAUSE they do things like fix what they have instead of getting new stuff, etc. Sometimes we see people with what we want and think it just fell into their laps, but usually they work for it, too. I'm successful in my career and I think people who want to be where I am think it happened overnight. They don't see the 10-12 years of struggle, etc.

Anyway, good insights from the greener grass. We're all in it together.

[jessdr]

Thanks for all of the great answers!! Actually I did not really tell him about the "No S" diet, I just said I was watching what I ate, then when he saw cinnamon rolls on Saturday morning, he said "I thought you were on a diet"- and I did tell him how I felt about him saying that, and I did not explain the No S plan to him because he would not understand.

Boundaries issues (and the appropriateness of commenting at all) aside, it sounds like he thought you were on a standard diet, which would not, in fact, approve of your cinnamon rolls.

It might be worth explaining that your S days are not only exempt, but actually a tool to HELP you be strong on N days. So by having a reasonable indulgence on your S days, you are following your diet, not breaking it.

[scaissie]

Wow, haven't gotten on here in a couple of days, and I have all kinds of answers!! I did finally tell him about the "No S Diet" and he said he would try to be supportive. I did say he is "naturally thin", but he really does not eat like I do, he is not a snacker and only eats desserts occasionally, so the more I thought about it and read some of these posts, I see that my husband does eat a lot like this. Our issues are more than just the weight issue and we are working on them with a counselor. A lot of my out of control eating lately has been in response to stress in our marriage, the plant he works for closed down and he is looking for another job, etc, etc. I have finally realized that I have gained all of this weight because I eat too muich, period, whether it be in response to stress or just having a good time with friends or eating popcorn and candy while watching a movie.

Thanks for all of the support, I appreciate it.