Everyday Systems

I just feel bad this morning and I think maybe writing about it will help.

I have been doing GREAT on No S -- I haven't had a red day since I started waaay back in January, and there's even been very little that I can classify as "funny business" on my N days. My S days have been great -- not a big bingeathon, but definitely some very enjoyable treats and generous restaurant meals and highly enjoyable movie popcorn (I know it's crap, but I just love popcorn at a movie). I have been walking more and just generally everything is good. I am not at all tempted to chuck it, because it seriously has become a habit not to eat snacks or desserts during the week -- I am at the point where it would feel weird to eat in the middle of the afternoon at work, or go foraging through the refrigerator in the evening. Even on S days, I don't usually want to eat after dinner!

Buuuut, emotionally I'm having a hard time right now. I haven't seen any difference on the scale or in my clothes for at least two weeks, which I know is to be expected and not a problem. I went to a friend's party on Friday night -- the friend does "S Factor," which are pole-dancing classes, and she and a lot of her other friends did demonstration dances and many people were scantily clad and it was, shall we say, not good for the self-esteem. I wasn't the heaviest woman there (and yes, I compare, which I'm not proud about), but there were a lot of very skinny, very fit, very pretty, very sexy women and I just felt like a water buffalo. I am still for my body type, very heavy. I had a lot more concealing clothes on than most of the women, because I HAVE to.

And then I read this this morning: http://www.bfdblog.com/2009/03/19/top-1 ... tting-fat/ Which just reinforced in my twisted little mind that my husband, who I know perfectly well loves me, must of course be looking at me and seeing "disgusting fat cow." I know perfectly well (because he made it very clear) that my weight WAS an issue for my husband when we were younger, although he's been great about it for a long time, so that really doesn't help now.

I just feel awful for getting so heavy in the first place and, I don't know, not being a lithe little pole dancer, and I am paranoid that I will never see any improvement unless I do a highly restrictive diet, which will lead to binging, which is how I gained all this weight in the first place. I can't do that again, it is just too destructive.

And I'm angry that I'm so STUPID about this, that I buy into all these messages that tie my worth as a person and a woman into my pants size, when I KNOW BETTER. I'm smart, I'm educated and informed, I know how pointless and self-destructive it is to judge myself against a standard created by advertisers that I am never gong to be able to meet -- and that isn't even worth meeting in the first place. And yet, I still do it.

Why can't I just say "I had a lovely weekend. I went to a party with a friend who loves me and who I think is terrific, I went hiking on Saturday, I strolled in the botanical garden on Sunday, I had yummy dinners every night and read a good book, I spent time with my husband who loves me -- I am happy and lucky!" instead of self-flagellating about it all?

I go through similar things that you go through. There are many girls at my work who are SUPER SKINNY. Now I know I look okay and people even told me that here, which gave me a HUGE self esteem boost, but, like you, I can't help but feel down sometimes. AND yes, reading some articles sometimes makes you question the way you have been thinking. I get this affect on sites like thesuperficial.com. I know, just look at the title, I shouldn't be surprised BUT, there was a post about Kim Kardashian, who I think is attractive, and the comments were BRUTAL. This one person INSISTING that KK is overweight. Don't go trying to find it, you don't want to read things people say! So I'm not sure what to tell you but to try to block these thoughts out, but I'm dealing with the same thing. I would also feel weird in a room of skinny girls who were dressed like that because I would never be able to dress like that.

Hi Thalia,

I don't have any answers for you, because I do and think the exact same things! Not only do I feel bad, but I feel bad about feeling bad because I think I should know better due to being educated, well-read, and in possession of a critical and probing mind.

I applaud your very honest and witty post. (The water buffalo thing made me laugh! Can't help it!) It made me feel better, and probably lots of other women too, to know we are not alone in our comparing and sometimes despairing ways.

That article was really terrible!
Anyone who is with a partner who would do such abusive things and play mind games like that, really should be dumped!!!

Don't feel bad Thalia.
I'm sorry you felt so self conscious.
I am totally proud of you for having such a successful few months!!!

You are doing your best and you will get there!
Find the *inner* pole dancer in you!!

Incidentally, those classes are probably fun!!!

I am certain your husband isn't thinking those horrible thoughts you wrote.
Why not talk to him if you really are concerned about his feelings.
I bet he will be supportive to you.
Hugs,
Debs x

I'm so sorry for what you are going through Thalia & I often go through those exact feelings myself. I think it is especially hard for us women to feel good about ourselves because the media spends a whole lot of $$ to purposely make us feel bad about ourselves. If we feel fat, we'll buy more diet foods. If we feel old, we'll buy more makeup and skin-care products, etc. Of course, even realizing this, it's hard sometimes to like ourselves. Try to find a few things that you DO like about yourself and focus on those attributes.

I think most of us here can relate. I certainly can.

Your post was great. I hope writing it helped you. Sometimes just seeing things on paper (real or electronic) really helps me get a grip.

Allow your feelings, and be gentle with yourself as you continue to DO what you know works for you.

body image issues have always sent me straight to my craziest thinking

.. and starving, then binging and then weight gain

one of the things that i have learned along the way is to avoid "slippery places"

... these are places (and people) that put me in the way of my disease
(compulsive overeating)

super thin girls on a stripper pole would do it for me..

you don't need that nonsense right now-- avoid those situations

it sucks having weight to lose, i personally hate it

and what really sucks is the time that it takes to do it the right way

but it is what it is-- the only way out is thru

accept where you are today, and just keep doing the next right thing

Donna O


PS :consider doing some service work, it will really help you get away from negative thoughts