As many of you know, I come from a family that tends to obesity. I was heading down that same path, but lost weight in my early 20's and maintained that weight loss until mid-life metabolic slow-down + a baby made life more difficult. The way I maintained during all those years I now see as a very painful method in contrast to No-S - basic substance-accounting diets, with all the attendant issues around food.
During those years, one particularly "sore spot" related to visits to my parent's home. To my mom, "food is love," and she is a major "food pusher." I, on the other hand, had a tense relationship with food and did NOT want to eat like everyone else in my family. So...the minute I walked in the door, mom would start offering me stuff... and wouldn't take "no" for an answer. She would begin listing special things she'd made "just for me," followed by the contents of the fridge and pantry, and I would refuse. This exchange would continue until I totally lost patience and snapped at her. At that point, she would "put on the martyr act" (as I thought of it then) and tell me in a very wounded voice that I didn't need to snap at her. (I felt I DID, because she wouldn't take "no" for an answer when I said it politely!) So, we would begin each visit with this fight. Lovely. And, surrounded by food cues the whole weekend, at some point I would break my self-imposed eating limits and be filled with the self-loathing that accompanies such a failure.
I hated the whole pattern intensely, so much that I avoided going home as much as possible. (From a more mature perspective, I see the irony that the "love" my mom was genuinely trying to offer actually pushed me away.)
Fortunately, I read "The Dance of Anger" somewhere in my late 20's, and that was a turning point. The basic points of the book are (1) interactions between people are like a "dance," with both partners knowing their steps and participating in the dance (2) you can only change YOUR steps, but if you do, the pattern will change (however, be prepared for pressure to "change back" - even the most dysfunctional relationship is familiar) and (3) anger is a signal that change is needed - but you can be thoughtful about how you approach it.
The book offered "tools" for "changing steps," and one of those was the "broken record" - basically, in situations such as the one I'm describing, to identify a polite, neutral phrase and say it over and over with no change in inflection until the other person runs down. I decided on "thanks, mom, but I'm not hungry right now."
The first time I did it, it took over 20 minutes before she gave up - I know because I started watching the clock during the exchange. But it worked! She DID give up, and I entered the house without that old familiar fight I'd always dreaded. On subsequent visits (which, btw, became more frequent), the ritual food-offering became shorter and shorter. And as I got more confident in my ability, I was able vary my responses to acknowledge the "love" behind the food - "that sounds really good, mom. I'll get some later." We actually reached the point that I had to ASK for food one day when I did arrive hungry! What a turn-around!
At any rate.... now that you're through the preamble... this morning, just after breakfast, I "heard" that EXACT same "broken record" response, only internally.
Me: Today's an S-day. I've got some dried figs in the cupboard, which I love. I could have those for a snack.
Myself: Yeah, but I'm not hungry. I'll get some later. Maybe with lunch.
Me: Oooh, hubby left me a piece of chocolate. He was so sweet to save it all week so I could have it on an S-day. I could have that.
Myself: Yeah, but I'm not hungry. I'll have it later... unless I want something else more.
Me: I could have...
Myself: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm not hungry. Later.
My internal food-pusher, which has already been confined to S-days, is starting to get the message.
(PS - To avoid misunderstanding, let me add that my mom is a wonderful person, and the former "hot-button scenario" I described should not be taken as a snapshot of our overall relationship.)
I played the record enough to know that I do not have to snack. Good post!
