I can't stand this!

No Snacks, no sweets, no seconds. Except on Days that start with S. Too simple for you? Simple is why it works. Look here for questions, introductions, support, success stories.

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xJocelynx87
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I can't stand this!

Post by xJocelynx87 » Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:30 am

Sorry everyone, but I just need to vent...

Today, I attended a highschool graduation party for my cousin. I thought I lookded really nice. I had a pretty dress on, had just gotten a haircut, etc. Most members of my family that hadn't seen me for awhile told me I looked good.

When it was time to eat, I had a few appetizers, and one plate of food that I didn't even finish. When dessert came out I had one bite-size brownie and got up to get myself a small piece of cake. I was sitting there next to my uncle eating it, and he proceeds to ask: "Are you SURE you should be eating that? You want to keep your girlish figure, don't you?" This really hurt my feelings. I eat super healthily during the week (as most of you can see from my check in), exercise, and make it a point not to over indulge on the weekends.

Here's what bothers me about what was said:

I've struggled with my weight since I was a child, and have had little comments thrown at me from different relatives over the years, so the fact that I'm 21, barely overweight, and healthier than I have ever been and am STILL hearing these things is very upsetting.

I see this side of my family once, MAYBE twice, per year, so I really don't understand why a member of my family would want to offend me on one of the rare occasions that we get to spend some time together.

I'm a fourth year nutritional science student and am more knowledgable about healthy eating than anyone in my family. My uncle, who has health problems, is the last person that should be giving his opinion about what I should or should not be eating.

My parents love to make excuses for whatever family member whenever something like this happens. They see it as me being extra-sensitive. I had ANOREXIA in highschool, and then everyone told me to eat. Now that I'm back to my normal size, people want to make comments such as the one made today, but when I get upset about it, it's me being too sensitive? Give me a break. I'm not overly sensitive, I just can't win with these people.

Finally, there were MANY MANY people at this party much more overweight than I, but no one would ever dream of saying anything to them about what they were or were not eating, because that would be unkind. So why is it that I don't get the same courtesy when I'm 5'8 and a size 8/10?

Am I in the wrong here? Please let me know, I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks.

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MysteryLover
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Post by MysteryLover » Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:49 am

I definitely understand what you went through. Those type of comments always hurt me (no matter where I am weight-wise). Unfortunately, we live in a society that is so focused on having a 'perfect' body. We, as Americans, can't even look at food without thinking about diet and body image. These comments come up so very often when we eat around others. Perhaps this relative was having some second thoughts about how much he was eating and he just projected his feelings on you.

If you are 5'8" and a size 8/10, you certainly sound like a fit and healthy person to me. Just try to remember the fun that you had at the graduation party and force that bad memory out of your mind.

BTW, I was never anorexic, but have suffered from Binge Eating. I think that makes us extra sensitive to negative comments like that.
--Gina (a.k.a MysteryLover)
03/01/2017: 195.2
Current: 174.6
Goal: 145.0

StrawberryRoan
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Post by StrawberryRoan » Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:52 am

I, too, am sorry. Some people just say things to be talking it seems

I had an uncle once tell me (at a funeral), Looks like Little Susie isn't so little anymore. I was in my twenties, had given birth to four kids in five years and couldn't have been a size ten. However, he remembered me as a skinny little kid as I hadn't seen him in years. I can still remember that he made me feel FAT all day. :oops:

It sounds like you, at a young age, are on the right path to a lifetime of good health. Kudos to you for that and again, I am sorry you were hurt.

SR

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la_loser
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Put-downs

Post by la_loser » Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:02 am

Of course you're not in the wrong. It always amazing me how thoughtless people can be. . . and I do think it's that they really are "thoughtless" as in not thinking. . . your uncle would probably be surprised to know that one thing he said to you has ruined your entire day. . . and if given the chance he'd probably say something like. "well, I said you want to KEEP your girlish figure-not that you don't look good now. . . I didn't say you didn't have a girlish figure. . ."

In a number of classes I've taught over the years I have my students do an exercise regarding "putdowns" what they have heard someone say to them that have hurt them or made them feel less of a person. I play the music video of Mark Wills' (or Peter Paul and Mary's original version) of "Don't Laugh at Me, don't call me names, don't take your pleasure from my pain. . . "While drinking a soft drink from a can, they write the various comments on little slips of paper, I collect them and read them aloud one by one to the group. They in turn, having finished their soft drink, crunch/crush their can to the degree that the comment would hurt them if it were aimed at them. The comments always range from statements about race, intelligence, height, other external factors (like wearing glasses or having a big nose). Often I get more examples of "size" than anything else -- it crosses all ethnicities/genders, etc. Once the students have heard a number of these and their cans are bent beyond recognition, I ask them to tell me what the offenders would probably say if someone called them on it. . . The answers range from "I didn't think he would hear me or know I said that." to "I didn't think she'd take me so seriously" or "I didn't think it was that big a deal" ,etc. . . and my response is always. . . that the bottom line is that the person really was not "thinking!"

Certainly there are mean spirited people in the world but I'd like to believe that many times people like just don't THINK about how what they say might make the other person feel.

I conclude the exercise by saying, "so let's suppose that all these 'thoughtless' people really didn't mean what they said, it was all a big misunderstanding, and they apologize and want to make amends. . . so OK--it's all good--let's just take all those things back -- so just take your bent up crumpled can and put it back like it was."

The students (I've done this with 7th graders, college students and professional educators) invariably exclaim, "but that's impossible, it can't be fixed--the bends are still there, the scars of the crushing, etc."

So my final comment is just that. . . words tossed out like that can never be truly retrieved without the damage being done. And I challenge them to always THINK before they speak.

Now I know that doesn't help you heal your pain tonight except to let you know that you have to find a way to let this go and know that you know that you are in a healthy state and that you are the person you have to answer to.

It sounds to me like you've really gotten yourself together and you should be proud of your progress. So in Vicki's words, you just will have "mark this too and move on." And be grateful you only have to deal with these folks only a couple of times a year!
Last edited by la_loser on Mon Jun 29, 2009 2:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
LA Loser. . . well on my way to becoming an LA Winner. :lol:

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MysteryLover
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Post by MysteryLover » Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:17 am

Wow LA_Loser! What a fantastic exercise. Thanks for sharing. You know, most people who have said hurtful things to us probably had NO idea and didn't mean to hurt us at all. This also reminds me of how we often hear things differently than the way they were meant.
--Gina (a.k.a MysteryLover)
03/01/2017: 195.2
Current: 174.6
Goal: 145.0

xJocelynx87
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Post by xJocelynx87 » Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:29 am

Thanks for the replies everyone, I feel better just knowing you're all listening and trying to understand!

I certainly agree with LA Loser that most people probably don't mean to hurt your feelings, but in this situation, it's a little more difficult for me to write it off as that considering the amount of turmoil I've gone through in terms of my weight. My entire family knows about my struggles with my weight and anorexia, so whether they mean to hurt me or not, the fact that some of them do not display more tact is what really gets to me. I mean, I'm only 21 years old and I feel like I have more social grace than my 50 year old relatives! I try not to hold it against them, but when they see that those exact words probably contributed to me starving myself down to almost 100lbs and losing several years of my life to obsessing about calories and weight, I would like to think they'd be more careful with their words, but I guess not.

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gratefuldeb67
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Post by gratefuldeb67 » Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:51 am

It's totally inappropriate for him to police your eating..
You have every right to be pissed off.. I know I would be.
8) Debs
There is no Wisdom greater than Kindness

vmelo
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Post by vmelo » Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:45 pm

I used to get comments like that when I was in my late teens, early 20's. I wasn't even overweight (just at the top of my range for my age/height). I remember I was in the mall once having an ice-cream cone, when this elderly man walked by and ruined my experience by saying, "You better no eat that; you'll get fat." I didn't even enjoy the cone after that. I have enough of a guilty conscience; I don't need an external "conscience," too.

For some reason, it seems as if older relatives--and older men in general,I've found,--- feel free to make such comments to younger women. As I've gotten older and heavier, I don't receive those kinds of intentional comments any more. I get the unintentional kind (e.g., "When are you due?").

In short: Your uncle made a thoughtless, rude comment, and you have a right to be annoyed by it.

enmilto
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Post by enmilto » Mon Jun 29, 2009 12:47 am

:) Hi, I just finished reading the NO S Book and started the diet on June 18, 2009. I've been through four S days, Saturdays and Sundays. I kind of permagrazed on those days. Scared about getting on the scale tomorrow. I have been good during the N days though. I hope this system works for me. I agree with the author of the nosdiet that no other diet works. That's for sure. I have tried them all. I like the Nos diet. Hoping it works for me.

Ellie

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sophiasapientia
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Post by sophiasapientia » Mon Jun 29, 2009 12:57 am

Welcome Ellie! :D

Personally, I avoid getting on the scale for a couple days after S Days. I know the number will likely creep up a tad and it doesn't really help matters to get on the scale. I've seen firsthand that, by sticking to No S on No S days and getting my exercise in, the scale will go down and continue to go down eventually. :wink:

Everyone says that the first few S days are the toughest. They become less so over time. Reinhard, the No S creator/author, has a podcast on "S Days Gone Wild" which is helpful.

Good luck and hope to see you around the Boards! :D
Restarted No S (3rd times a charm!) January 2010 at 145 lbs

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~reneew
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Post by ~reneew » Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:02 am

There's always one in the family... :roll:

No wonder people have unhealthy relationships with food!!!
I guess this doesn't work unless you actually do it.
Please pray for me

kccc
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Post by kccc » Mon Jun 29, 2009 2:13 am

"Diet Police" are really annoying, aren't they?

LA_Loser, what an incredible exercise - and how thought-provoking.

I do think that (some) people have no boundaries when it comes to criticizing what others eat. Whether you were "right" or not to feel that way is immaterial... you DO. Feelings just ARE, without permission to exist.

The question is what you DO with those feelings. Some people internalize them, assuming they don't have a right to feel that way. Some act inappropriately. Some just burn up internally (anger, like acid, corrodes the vessel that holds it).

If you can, use it for "forward energy." As you've indicated in your description of your life, you KNOW you are doing what is best for yourself, and you have deep knowledge in this area. If this were to happen again, how would you like to handle it? How would you assert your boundaries? How can you display confidence in your choices? Perhaps even educate the person who criticized you, using it as a "teaching moment"? Or maybe just learning to give an internal chuckle and let it go...

Examining your feelings, and figuring out what action to take (or not) is the best antidote I've found to "stewing."

(Mind you, this is a lesson that I get to re-learn at intervals... life offers plenty of practice opportunities!)

Best wishes.

xJocelynx87
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Post by xJocelynx87 » Mon Jun 29, 2009 3:12 am

Thanks again for the support everyone.

I know that feelings just ARE, I guess what I was looking for was more of a justification --- for people to tell me that I'm NOT nuts for how I feel about the situation and that similar things have happened to them too.

If you're curious about how I handled the situation, I simply replied by saying, "Yes, of course I wanna stay in shape, but I also wanna live my life." I didn't feel that anything other than that was necessary, plus I didn't want to appeared bothered by his comment, so I didn't want to go on the defense or drone on justifying my actions.

Kathleen
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Post by Kathleen » Mon Jun 29, 2009 10:23 am

My 84 year old parents send me articles on healthy snacking, and I'm 50 years old! It's not so much your age that hurts as it is that there isn't respect for your choices. I think you handled it well.

kccc
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Post by kccc » Mon Jun 29, 2009 12:05 pm

xJocelynx87 wrote:Thanks again for the support everyone.

I know that feelings just ARE, I guess what I was looking for was more of a justification --- for people to tell me that I'm NOT nuts for how I feel about the situation and that similar things have happened to them too.

If you're curious about how I handled the situation, I simply replied by saying, "Yes, of course I wanna stay in shape, but I also wanna live my life." I didn't feel that anything other than that was necessary, plus I didn't want to appeared bothered by his comment, so I didn't want to go on the defense or drone on justifying my actions.
That sounds like a very good response in the moment. :)

You're absolutely not nuts - hope the responses affirmed that clearly! We all get "dinged and dented" (to use LA's exercise for a metaphor) by other people's thoughtless responses to our choices and circumstancse. Like Kathleen says, sometimes it's lack of respect. Other times it's just thoughtlessness, or total cluelessness. (I remember feeling ready to physically attack people who offered certain kinds of "comfort" when I miscarried, no matter how many times I repeated to myself "they mean well, they mean well...")

Your parents telling you that you don't have a right to feel that way actually struck me as more of an issue than the initial comment. But I could be misinterpreting from your post - the internet is not very nuanced.

And I'm impressed that you've not only recovered from anorexia, but that what you've learned about health has become the basis for your career. Good for you!

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harpista
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Post by harpista » Mon Jun 29, 2009 2:00 pm

I get these comments too, but I am obese (clinically speaking). I use an Ann Landers trick, I think it was. My mother gave it to me (even though she is one of the commenters).

My usual response is "Excuse me?" in a neutral tone. Most people are functioning at the "say anything/throw it out there" level when they make such remarks, as discussed above so wonderfully.

And if they repeat themselves (which they almost NEVER do, this response seems to make it "click" what they just said) I either say "excuse me?" again, neutrally, or respond with something like "this is a special occasion... since we so seldom see each other, etc." Sometimes that's embarrassing for the other person, other times they are oblivious, but in either case I made my point very politely.

Those who ask me if I'm pregnant, I just try to be as nice as I can. I almost always feel far more embarrassed for THEM than myself, if they were nice about it. :oops:
Nulla palma sine pulvere.
'No garland of victory without first the dust of the arena.'

Sometimesians, unite!

wosnes
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Post by wosnes » Mon Jun 29, 2009 2:03 pm

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Truth is, no one can make us feel anything without our consent. When we get upset or angry over the unkind or thoughtless remarks people make, we're giving them power over how we feel. It's not hurting them; it's only hurting us.

There's another great quote that I don't know the source for: "What you think of me is none of my business."

I've quoted from The Four Agreements before:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Ruiz first Agreement is not only about never lying, gossiping, or speaking ill of anyone, it is also a statement of the power of your Intent. You call into existence what you intend.
Call a plant beautiful, and it becomes a flower.
Call it ugly, and it becomes a weed.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie



2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

There is an awful lot of negative energy out there and some of it is directed at us by other people. But other people’s reactions and opinions are simply other people’s reactions and opinions. They are having their own experience and none of it has anything to do with you – it does not make you wrong, guilty, bad, unworthy, famous, loveable, or important. If you take it personally and take on the poison of another’s words, it becomes a very negative agreement you have with yourself. What anybody thinks about you, or says about you, is really about them. Not taking it personally allows you to be in relationship with anyone and not get trapped in their stuff. This agreement can also pertain to things that we take personally that cause us to go into upset.

That driver who just swerved into your lane isn't attacking you. He or she is just preoccupied - as most of us are, most of the time. Practice forgiveness if you do get riled, but better yet, wear an emotional raincoat to deflect any upset attached to the perceived offense.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Not only do we believe our assumptions about what other people are thinking, but then we end up taking those assumptions personally and even end up resenting the person.

Much unnecessary suffering is caused by imagining that others intend us harm. You truly have no idea what anyone else is thinking. Training yourself to live in the present - without regretting the past or fearing the future - is a recipe for a happy life

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Not only is it important to your self-respect never to do less than your best, it is equally important to be fully satisfied having done your best - without suffering regrets over not having done even better.
I'm not going to say that learning to deal with things in this manner is easy, but life gets a lot easier and more pleasant when you do!
"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do. Not that the nature of the thing itself has changed but our power to do it is increased." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You are what you eat -- so don't be Fast, Easy, Cheap or Fake."

TunaFishKid
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Post by TunaFishKid » Mon Jun 29, 2009 8:20 pm

Your post reminded me of a section of the No S book. On page 74, Reinhard says,
With the No S Diet, there's no show. It's the opposite. Your excess is all out in the open. Instead of pretending to be virtuous in public and gorging in secret, you emphasize your vice (drawing attention to it with embarrassingly big plates, openly enjoying sweets on S days) and use shame to keep yourself in line. Honesty, shame, virtue: old-fashioned stuff, like being thin.
I understand how you feel. The only time anyone ever made a comment about what I was eating I remembered something a southern friend taught me - disarm them and quickly change the subject. I said "Aren't you sweet to be so concerned about me. Have you tried this pie? It's delicious!" (Actually, my southern friend said "Bless your heart" instead of "aren't you sweet", but as a New Yorker, I didn't think I coud pull that off, lol.)

kccc
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Post by kccc » Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:38 pm

TunaFishKid wrote:Your post reminded me of a section of the No S book. On page 74, Reinhard says,
With the No S Diet, there's no show. It's the opposite. Your excess is all out in the open. Instead of pretending to be virtuous in public and gorging in secret, you emphasize your vice (drawing attention to it with embarrassingly big plates, openly enjoying sweets on S days) and use shame to keep yourself in line. Honesty, shame, virtue: old-fashioned stuff, like being thin.
I understand how you feel. The only time anyone ever made a comment about what I was eating I remembered something a southern friend taught me - disarm them and quickly change the subject. I said "Aren't you sweet to be so concerned about me. Have you tried this pie? It's delicious!" (Actually, my southern friend said "Bless your heart" instead of "aren't you sweet", but as a New Yorker, I didn't think I coud pull that off, lol.)
Lol! As someone all too familiar with the "bless your heart" phrase, I find that so funny! (A friend of mine observed that you can say ANYTHING after blessing someone's heart. "Bless his heart, he's as dense as concrete, and... " While it's not always used that way, there's more than a grain of truth in that observation.)

I'm also wondering about the "out in the open" bit... I wonder if that's why we think thin people "can eat anything." They can't, of course, but because we see what they DO eat (and perhaps assume that it's the tip of the iceberg, as it used to be for many of us?), we think they can.

joasia
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Post by joasia » Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:59 pm

I understand why you are hurt. People feel the need to make dietary comments about other peoples eating habits. God knows why. I bet if you think about it there were many people at this gathering with less than perfect figures, probably including your uncle. Any public place you go to it doesn't take much to notice that most people today are struggling with their weight and eating. My uncle asked me why I don't have gastric bypass surgery. Funny how I don't comment on his excess drinking at every family gathering, but he feels quite at ease commenting on my weight. Having said that, I know what you are going through. I have been there. It is important to, as difficult as it may be, to not take these comments seriously. People will long forget what they have said, while you are still hurt and festering. You are doing everything you can, you are not perfect. And, believe me, neither are the people making the inappropriate comments.
The destiny of nations depends on the manner in which they feed themselves. Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

wosnes
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Post by wosnes » Tue Jul 07, 2009 1:11 am

This came in an email today:

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do. Not that the nature of the thing itself has changed but our power to do it is increased." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You are what you eat -- so don't be Fast, Easy, Cheap or Fake."

Ms
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Post by Ms » Wed Jul 08, 2009 8:24 pm

I feel your pain! Your story sounds exactly like mine (minus the anorexia).

First, you are not overly sensitive. Second, you were not wrong to feel hurt & upset. Your feelings are yours, and you don't need anyone to justify them. If they don't agree, so what? You don't always agree with them either, nor do you need anyone's validation about yourself or something that's an integral part of you (feelings). Third, you probably don't get the same courtesy as your fatter relatives because they see you as an insecure weakling, a nice young lady, someone they can dump on when they feel bad about themselves, or to just say anything they want without thinking beforehand because she's nice and she'll take it. And for that, all I can tell you is what I have learned to do: Defend myself in a way that makes me feel good. Since the folks who usually make the offensive comments are those who shouldn't talk at all, I tell them so. I'll say things like "Worry about your own weight (or health, whatever the case may be)" or "Worry about what's on your own plate" or I'll just frankly call them on what they say or I point out their own flaws.

For instance, at my uncle's funeral, an aunt who first met me at my thinnest ever four years ago (I was under a tremendous amount of stress then, and I don't eat when I'm sad or stressed) approached me, leaned in to give me a hug and stated that it looked like I put on some weight. I hugged her and told her it looked like she was getting "turkey neck." A few hours later, this same aunt told me in front of everyone that I needed to stop gaining weight, and told me how she lost 25 pounds, how her sister lost about 50 pounds, etc. When she was finished, I smiled, and said, "So now that you've lost weight, you think everyone else should lose weight?" She said, "yes." I looked her up and down, and said, "Well, then, you should worry about your own weight," and walked away with no attitude and a huge goofy grin on my face. (She was still very fat, fatter than me, even with the weight loss). Seeing that she wasn't getting anywhere with me, she ran to my mother!!! LOL! All my mother did was nod her head, then ask her how were her grandkids. She lost, especially when two of my cousins approached me, told me that I looked great, and then asked "what's her problem?" ha ha!

Sometimes, if I'm convinced the fight is not worth it, I just abruptly walk away. Another example, two weeks ago I said "Good Morning" to my friend's father, who replied, "It looks like you need a robotics machine." I felt like saying that it looked like he needed a toupe or hair piece, but I just turned on my heels and walked away. He asked me a question about my shirt and I ignored it. I just kept walking, even though the both of us knew I heard him. A few minutes later, he offered coffee and breakfast, insisted that I stay, and was basically acting like the sugar sweet man I knew he was.


As an adult, I tweaked the "nice girl" ways my parents taught me with a little attitude. As far as I'm concerned, I have every right to put tacky people in their place. I feel much better when I stand up for myself, either with words or with actions. I let their words become their problem. It's as if I've told that person his feelings will be hurt if he isn't nice. For instance, one of my mother's sisters always had some criticism for me. I'd act like it didn't bother me publicly, then cry about it later privately. A few years ago I put my mother's sister in her place. She visited for the 4th of July this year. Now I'm 53 pounds heavier since the last time she saw me, and she didn't say a word about my weight. She didn't even hint at it when she saw me pig out at my uncle's BBQ, and I did it right in front of her. Sometimes you just have to let folks know you're not the one. A little quote about self-esteem, ignoring mean people, advice to "let it go" with no practical answer on just how to do that, etc. won't cut it sometimes. But when you stand up for yourself, you feel good, and you forget about it. Let it go? Please. You don't even have to consider it. It's gone the minute you took a stand and made the speaker's tackiness their problem.

My favorite thing to do, though, is just to stay away from tacky people. But since they can't always be avoided, I have my strategies on what to do. Best of luck! And feel free to share your feelings re your NO S lifestyle anytime. It feels good to know that someone can relate to your experience.

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oliviamanda
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Post by oliviamanda » Thu Jul 09, 2009 3:43 pm

wosnes, thank you for your post. I really needed to see that today.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.--- Mark Twain

3aday
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Post by 3aday » Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:36 am

I am sorry you had to go through that.
There are some people that make themselves feel better by bringing others down.

You are not defined by what someone else says to you or says about you. You are totally worthy and allowed to have dessert.
You have accomplished soooo much.
Be proud of that.
You were fearfully and wonderfully made!

Blessings and hugs!

Bushranger
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Post by Bushranger » Fri Jul 10, 2009 3:03 am

3aday wrote:There are some people that make themselves feel better by bringing others down.
Correction, try to make themselves feel better. People that attempt to bring you down almost invariably have their own issues and often those issues relate to the very things they are targeting you with. Their self esteem is very low and the attack is an attempt to redirect their focus off themselves and onto somebody else. They feel better attacking somebody else purely because they are not thinking about themselves while doing so.

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