I finished up a day of snacking with half a pack of nachos, slice of cappucino cheesecake and a box of fruit. All bought specifically for that purpose. To keep eating. And though I agree with the "if hunger is not a problem, food is not an answer" statement, it worked. I ended up in so much bloating pain that... I stopped worrying about other things...
Because, I am in fact in a total mess.
Including literally - the kitchen sink got blocked. All the dirty dishes were piling up higher and higher. The smelly water smelled. Preparing nice meals did not seem as an appealing process.
And there is so much to do! You know the usual, washing, shopping, bills, work...
But then, there are all these other things too. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Going through chemo and rads was not fun, but I didn't quite realized that end of treatment is not quite the end of the process. Though I very well may be cured, the uncertainty is so hard to deal with. And dealing with all the cancer related administrative work (sorting out appointments, etc) is not making it easier to forget and move on.
About a year ago too, a close relative died. Those two things together, made me feel completely powerless.
My family lives in another country and I miss them. Some of them are struggling with health too, which makes it even harder to be far from them. And sometimes it is also so hard to know whether the health problems are serious or just inconvenient. Since I recently learnt about so many things that could go wrong with your body, it makes it really hard not to be scared.
Then, with my friends starting to have children and me realizing that no one guarantees us how many years on earth we've got, I am too starting to think more and more about having my own family. But I do not even have a partner. So well... It seems like quite a challenge
As a result of all the cancer stuff (physical, psychological, and a long time off work), my work is suffering. There is so much going on, and though I want to be able to say again that I love it, I just can no longer multi-task, and I end up feeling completely useless. Because the more there is to do, the more overwhelmed I feel, and the less I achieve. With all the chaos in my brain, sometimes I struggle to even follow a simple conversation.
Friends are great, but sometimes I just feel so miserable that I don't want to see anyone, because I am tired myself of my complaining. And the truth is that everyone has got problems, but at this moment, I do not feel like a good friend, because I just can't pay enough attention to what bothers them. So on some days, it just seems easier to stay at home...
And then, I surely am gaining weight. You'd think that it should be the least of my problems. But it is another thing that just feels out of control. No S is excellent, but I need to have nice meals for it to work. But since the cancer revolution, I lost all my "defaults", I actually don't really know any more what I used to eat... So it feels like another thing that needs attention and organization. It feels like another thing to worry about - meal planning. Or weight gain and bloating as an alternative.
And weight loss is also a concept not free of a burden. Just before my diagnosis I started losing weight a bit too quickly. It was not much, but since I was quite religious about tracking, I definitely noticed a much steeper slope... So now, though I do want to lose a bit, or at least I do want to be back to no S eating habits, when I start eating less, but do not struggle with hunger, somewhere at the back of my mind I start worrying - am I losing appetite?
So anyway, it's a long post and most of it has nothing to do with noS. In theory. Becasue in practice it does. How do I separate the chaos in my life, in my head, and in my kitchen, from the chaos in my eating habits? Any advice would be greatly appreciated... Because I do feel better when I eat in the no S way. And if ever, now eating healthy seems like an important thing towards my recovery. But I just do not seem able to regain control.
