Everyday Systems

I've been slipping, and falling, and slipping, and falling, and so finally, I decided to go back to tracking. And it helped. Things got better, my good habits were coming back. And today, it all went out of the window. And eating went way out of control. I just couldn't, wouldn't and didn't even want to stop.
I finished up a day of snacking with half a pack of nachos, slice of cappucino cheesecake and a box of fruit. All bought specifically for that purpose. To keep eating. And though I agree with the "if hunger is not a problem, food is not an answer" statement, it worked. I ended up in so much bloating pain that... I stopped worrying about other things...

Because, I am in fact in a total mess.

Including literally - the kitchen sink got blocked. All the dirty dishes were piling up higher and higher. The smelly water smelled. Preparing nice meals did not seem as an appealing process.

And there is so much to do! You know the usual, washing, shopping, bills, work...

But then, there are all these other things too. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Going through chemo and rads was not fun, but I didn't quite realized that end of treatment is not quite the end of the process. Though I very well may be cured, the uncertainty is so hard to deal with. And dealing with all the cancer related administrative work (sorting out appointments, etc) is not making it easier to forget and move on.

About a year ago too, a close relative died. Those two things together, made me feel completely powerless.

My family lives in another country and I miss them. Some of them are struggling with health too, which makes it even harder to be far from them. And sometimes it is also so hard to know whether the health problems are serious or just inconvenient. Since I recently learnt about so many things that could go wrong with your body, it makes it really hard not to be scared.

Then, with my friends starting to have children and me realizing that no one guarantees us how many years on earth we've got, I am too starting to think more and more about having my own family. But I do not even have a partner. So well... It seems like quite a challenge

As a result of all the cancer stuff (physical, psychological, and a long time off work), my work is suffering. There is so much going on, and though I want to be able to say again that I love it, I just can no longer multi-task, and I end up feeling completely useless. Because the more there is to do, the more overwhelmed I feel, and the less I achieve. With all the chaos in my brain, sometimes I struggle to even follow a simple conversation.

Friends are great, but sometimes I just feel so miserable that I don't want to see anyone, because I am tired myself of my complaining. And the truth is that everyone has got problems, but at this moment, I do not feel like a good friend, because I just can't pay enough attention to what bothers them. So on some days, it just seems easier to stay at home...

And then, I surely am gaining weight. You'd think that it should be the least of my problems. But it is another thing that just feels out of control. No S is excellent, but I need to have nice meals for it to work. But since the cancer revolution, I lost all my "defaults", I actually don't really know any more what I used to eat... So it feels like another thing that needs attention and organization. It feels like another thing to worry about - meal planning. Or weight gain and bloating as an alternative.

And weight loss is also a concept not free of a burden. Just before my diagnosis I started losing weight a bit too quickly. It was not much, but since I was quite religious about tracking, I definitely noticed a much steeper slope... So now, though I do want to lose a bit, or at least I do want to be back to no S eating habits, when I start eating less, but do not struggle with hunger, somewhere at the back of my mind I start worrying - am I losing appetite?

So anyway, it's a long post and most of it has nothing to do with noS. In theory. Becasue in practice it does. How do I separate the chaos in my life, in my head, and in my kitchen, from the chaos in my eating habits? Any advice would be greatly appreciated... Because I do feel better when I eat in the no S way. And if ever, now eating healthy seems like an important thing towards my recovery. But I just do not seem able to regain control.

(((trytrytry)))

You sound so overwhelmed. I wish I could send you some strength and serenity. (Not that I have a lot lately, but my heart goes out to you.) I don't know that what I have to offer will help, but I'll try...

First, be gentle with yourself. You really, truly are dealing with a lot. Give yourself credit for all you've managed. Going through chemo/radiation is not trivial, and you did it.

Second, breathe. Seriously - deep breaths, inhaling calm with each. Do this several times a day. And get enough sleep, and some exercise. Basic physical care goes a long way.

Third, focus on one thing - any one thing - and take care of it. ONE thing. Whatever you think you can manage, and will make you feel better. Get the sink fixed. Wash dishes. Whatever. The sense of control/accomplishment/success will feed into the next thing. If you let your mind skip from problem to problem with no resolution, it will just tire you. Break that cycle if you can. (Even temporarily.)

Fourth, look for something that gives you joy. You're right, life is short and there are no guarantees. So, BE alive now. Reach out to someone you care for(even by phone), enjoy a sunset, read a good book, buy flowers... if you live deeply in the moments, the years will take care of themselves. (And it sounds as if you need a dose of something nice, whatever that may be.)

Take what you can use, and let the rest go by... none of us have all the answers, but we try to support each other in the journey. Hang in there.

With very best wishes...

I've taught myself never to allow myself to believe any negative thoughts when I'm too full and too tired. I hope you can try to relax and be peaceful with the moment for a bit. You deserve it.

I'm sure you're aware that if you've been through chemo, you owe it to yourself to eat well and let your body heal. But I know what it's like to be eating in a way that I know is not in my best interest. For some reason, it's gotten more real to me lately. Don't know why now. Maybe part of it is that I realized I've been dickering with this for 40 years and I may not have that much time, necessarily, to get it right.

I don't know what is going to make the difference for you, but if can just get to the next meal hungry, it will be one step that might make you feel better. Keep coming back to visit or post.

((HUGS)) to you. Cancer is a bi**h, plain and simple. My heart definitey goes out to you. One of my sisters has stage 4 cancer, and I've watched her struggle with cancer for the past 3 years now.
I would say the biggest thing is do everything you can to lower your stress. Do you exercise? Walking and yoga/pilates are great stress relievers for me. If you're religious at all, prayer/meditation are also great ways to relieve your stress. Do you have real life friends you can talk to when you're feeling down? Are you part of any support groups? I know my sister is involved with something called the Young Survivors Coalition. She's gone to their conferences for the past three years, and it really seems to help her.
In terms of eating, No S is a GREAT plan to help you fight your disease. If you load up your plates with fruits and veggies, whole grains, complex carbs like brown rice,etc.. you'll really be helping out your body.
I really hope things are able to get less stressful for you, since lowering stress is so important. Definitely feel free to vent whenever you need to.

trytrytry wrote:Though I very well may be cured, the uncertainty is so hard to deal with.

Years ago I realized two very important things:

1. When we get up in the morning, there are no guarantees that we'll be going to bed at night.

2. The only thing you can be sure of is that you can't be sure of anything. Again...no guarantees.

Being in control is an illusion. Uncertainty is part of life. Most of us just aren't as aware of it as you are right now. That's the only difference between you and most other people your age. (I don't know how old you are, but I'm assuming young because you mention friends starting to have children. My friends have grandchildren.)

Not having a mate is sometimes a blessing. Never seems like it at the time -- but believe me, it can be.

Not being able to multi-task is also a blessing in disguise. It's unusual in this day and age, but it is a blessing. Kind of Zen-like. It definitely simplifies life.

With the possible exception of the plugged up sink, everything that is a problem for you can also be seen as a blessing.

Everyone has given you good ideas. I particularly like what clarinetgal and KCCC have said.

My own advice diet-wise would be to follow No-S and what Michael Pollan says: "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants."

In terms of the plants, I'd concentrate on the vegetables and fruits, but not eliminating the grains and legumes. That's my preference.

trytrytry wrote: How do I separate the chaos in my life, in my head, and in my kitchen, from the chaos in my eating habits? (

trytrytry,

I hear you.
I believe I understand your feelings.
I am glad you are alive and here in the world.

I want to say,...
Don't expect so much from yourself.
You are okay, just as you are.

The mental struggle: Chaos vs. Control is part of most of us,
some, more than others,
but Control is only an illusion....
........and so is Chaos.

As the 60's saying goes:
"You are a child of the Universe,
the same as the stars and the sky,
you have a right to be here."

I think simplifying life is good,
and self- acceptance is even better.
All behavior is personal choice,
and every day, whatever behavior you chose is the right one for you.

wow, the stress has really piled on, hasn't it? sometimes you just have to sit with changes for a while before you can integrate them and relax with them.

While you're stressed, my only advice is to pick one part of the system and stick with it. If it were me, I'd pick plating. take your food, whatever it is--sweets, snacks, whatever! But put it on the plate before you eat it. This isn't even about no seconds, but about a habit of making meals matter. Treats tend to be tempting because they have an implicit control--I can eat whatever I want, with a subtext of getting away with something. When you put it on plates, you take away the subtext, which is helpful. Yes, you can eat whatever you want, you always can, but what you want isn't always what you want, if you know what I mean.

It really does change how much I feel about special treats, to put them on the plate before eating them. Or even just imagine them on the plate!

I just have to ask. Are you in some kind of counseling/therapy? It sounds like you may be depressed, which is completely understandable after all you have been through. Surviving cancer is not an automatic ticket to bliss and happiness.

I would strongly suggest seeing someone who is experienced in counseling cancer survivors. And while not a strong proponent of drugs, you may want to try some to get you over this hurdle. Don't see not being able to get back to normal as a failure and seek help if you need it.

You did the rest, you can do this, just take it one step at a time.

Trytrytry, just checking back...Hope things are improving for you.

I was struck by Kwidener7's comment - very perceptive. i know that when I went through a really stressful time and wasn't sleeping as a result, seeing a counselor helped tremendously. She helped me focus on what I could do, and cope emotionally with what was out of my control. Sometimes, people don't ask for help when they're drowning and could/should, so that's a good reminder.

Again, hang in there.

hope your are reading these messages and realizing this is a very caring community. I sent a personal message right after you posted and I'm sure others did too...everyone is pulling for you! Please post and let us know how things are going for you.

When my friend's son died, she set, as her goal, doing one hard thing a day. Some days that was just eating a bowl of bran cereal. Other days were dealing with funeral arrangements, trying to figure out why she delivered at 7 months, and more.

I remembered that when my husband was dying and everything seemed so overwhelming. If you do one hard thing every day, eventually they all get done. I wish I had known about No S then, but I also wish I had realized that you LOVE people and USE things, and the other way around is no good.

There are lots of suggestions here on ways to ease into No S. You'll figure out what works for you.

Hello, I just wanted to quickly thank you all immensly for your responses, here and via PM. You are all amazing and really appreciate your support and words of advice. I will reply more properly, just need to catch up with some sleep before another stressful day tomorrow, but I just wanted to say that you helped a lot and that I'm hanging on and... thank you!!

Glad to hear you're hanging in there.

Do check in as your time and energy allow... whenever you need some encouragement, I know you can find it here.

TryTryTry,

I am arriving a little late to the discussion.

My wife had cancer a few years back, and you are right, once the surgery, chemo and hormone therapy were over (the homrone therapy is never over) there is the "what ifs..." that continue.

Good luck to you.