I Failed, But Getting Better

[RJLupin]

Well, after about 10 weeks of "being perfect" and losing 18 pounds, I crashed and burned and went back to my binging and snacking. I am not totally sure why; some of it was due to my health (I have chronic pain and fatigue, and sitting around all day on pain meds tends to motivate me to eat from boredom) but another part was the same old story of my dependence on sugary, starchy foods. I've been incredibly stressed and exhausted, and had some personal disappointments and setbacks, and that's always a danger zone to me.

I haven't weighed, and won't for a few weeks. The good news is, I got a bad cold which more or less killed my appetite, so today is Day 3 of Vanilla No S for me. I am proud of myself for going back on it. However, I still have that awful feeling of disappointment and misery because I wasted so many weeks, undid some of my good work, and let myself down. Also, I am starting to wonder if there's ANYTHING I can ever do to be thin, for good. I think, if I were going to lose the weight, I would have done it by now. Being fat (and I am only about 30-40 pounds overweight) in my demographic is basically social suicide, and at this point I almost don't even feel like bothering anymore.

Anyway, wish me luck again. Hoping I stick with it.

[Starla]

However, I still have that awful feeling of disappointment and misery because I wasted so many weeks, undid some of my good work, and let myself down.

You are SO hard on yourself! You don't deserve that!

You didn't waste those weeks at all - you learned a new way to approach eating, and you learned that it works. 18 pounds in 10 weeks is fantastic!

Congratulations on getting back on the horse. Can you identify things besides eating that can give pleasure and comfort when you're stressed out?

Good luck with this - you KNOW you can do it!

[andreamuse]

The important thing is that you realized that you want to go back to it. Whatever happened during the few weeks off is fine...it's just a little fluctuation. After all, life happens sometimes. Just forget about the past and move forward again and you'll start losing the weight again!

[reinhard]

I'm sorry you've had a rough few weeks, but congratulations on catching yourself.

Also, I am starting to wonder if there's ANYTHING I can ever do to be thin, for good. I think, if I were going to lose the weight, I would have done it by now.

Yes. Here's what: stop worrying about it.

No-s isn't about being losing weight or being thin.

It's about eating moderately.

Don't view the practice of No-s as a kind of unpleasant privation towards the end of getting thin, view it as a good in itself -- the good of really enjoying food again.

That's not a small good. It's not some elaborate self-helpy, self-deception you recite to yourself in the mirror to trick yourself into getting skinny. It's something profound and basic. It's like enjoying eyesight.

And, as a sort of distant afterthought, you'll probably get thinner in the bargain.

I hope the external stresses ease up on you -- I know how awful that can be. I had almost total insomnia for over a month last fall due to stress. But a practice like no-s can help with that stress rather than add to it. I've always said that, but now I really know from personal experience. It gives you a small island of stability in a sea of uncontrollable chaos, a platform of self-confidence and success to stand on from which to at least try to address other issues.

Best wishes this time around and please continue to keep us posted,

Reinhard

[Cassie]

RJ Lupin, think of it this way. You've had a long period where everything was ok, you did well, and then you had a setback. That's life, it really, really does happen to all of us. I was inspired when I saw some of the testimonials of those who have done NoS for a long time. Don't remember whose it was, but there's a weight chart on there (try to track it down) which shows very clearly how weight fluctuate, how one can go off NoS for short periods (because that's what happens in life sometimes) & then gradually the habits become more entrenched, and the weight eventually falls off. I remember that weight chart very clearly, there were ups & downs but the overall trend of the chart (over years, not months) was steadily downward & that's what matters, not the day to day thing.

[RJLupin]

Thanks, everybody, for the kind words. Maybe I am too hard on myself, I don't know. As Reinhard pointed out, even if I could just use No S to learn to eat moderately, I would be happy: by this time, even my weight itself doesn't bother me as much as the whole binge-eating thing does. And it's true, I do have a lot of health problems that make it harder to stick with any kind of eating pattern. However, I don't want to let that be an excuse not to try.

I am doing better on No S. I had a perfect, vanilla week and am enjoying my S Days this weekend. It's almost as though, if I can get a few days under my belt, some kind of internal switch gets thrown that enables me to stick with it. I'm just going to take one day at a time and hope for the best.

Thanks again!

[gratefuldeb67]

Keep your chin up RJ, you will change that binge thing over time.. it takes a lot of repeated failures to change life long bad habits, but you will do it.. I took years to *not* enjoy gorgefests, but now, if I ate the same way I did pre discovering NoS in 2005, I know it would be a very unpleasant experience. It takes time to change your physical and emotional perspective about it all. Just stick with it and forgive your mistakes along the way, with a promise to keep going and keep trying.

ps.. Reinhard, I *loved* what you wrote in your reply! That was just brilliant!

Debs

[gratefuldeb67]

pps... Congratulations RJ on your 18 lbs in 10 weeks loss!!! That's phenomenal!!!