I am new here and also posted this in the Urban Ranger forum. I am loving the idea of No-S and Shovelglove/Urban Ranger, but how do I handle a husband (married 9 years with 3 kids) that doesn't want me walking anywhere for fear of "weirdos" out there?
I would love to walk to our local shopping mall or even around the neighborhood with the kids, but he is so worried about some nutcase "kidnapping" me/us, that he insists I drive everywhere. And unfortunately, I still have not been able to convince him to take walks with me.
Anyone have any advice on how I can change his mind?
My husband won't let me walk anywhere!!
Moderators: Soprano, automatedeating
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deadweight
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:48 pm
Wow... Kidnapped? Seriously?
The good thing is you're an adult and you don't need your husband's permission to take a walk.
If you wanted to ease his mind, maybe you could find a friend in the neighborhood to go on walks with.
If he's worried about your safety, you're much more likely to die in a car accident driving somewhere than abducted in the middle of the day. Or die of heart disease from a lack of exercise for that matter.
If he claims to be worried but not enough to join you on a walk, I wonder if maybe this isn't just his way of sabotaging your attempt at fitness. With all due respect to your husband, he doesn't strike me as the most secure guy in the world, so that could be a real possibility.
The good thing is you're an adult and you don't need your husband's permission to take a walk.
If you wanted to ease his mind, maybe you could find a friend in the neighborhood to go on walks with.
If he's worried about your safety, you're much more likely to die in a car accident driving somewhere than abducted in the middle of the day. Or die of heart disease from a lack of exercise for that matter.
If he claims to be worried but not enough to join you on a walk, I wonder if maybe this isn't just his way of sabotaging your attempt at fitness. With all due respect to your husband, he doesn't strike me as the most secure guy in the world, so that could be a real possibility.
You are right! He is a very insecure person. Last year, when I wanted to join a gym, it had to be a womens-only gym. Sheesh...
I think he watches the news and sees various stories about women being abducted and raped/killed as they were on their morning jog or something...and then he thinks if he can keep me from doing anything that might lead to that, then he feels better.
He understands the fact that I could die in a car accident, but he can't really keep me from going to work 15 miles away, so he "has to" let me drive. Does that make sense?
I just might have to go against his wishes and walk somewhere.
I think he watches the news and sees various stories about women being abducted and raped/killed as they were on their morning jog or something...and then he thinks if he can keep me from doing anything that might lead to that, then he feels better.
He understands the fact that I could die in a car accident, but he can't really keep me from going to work 15 miles away, so he "has to" let me drive. Does that make sense?
I just might have to go against his wishes and walk somewhere.
I think I'm going to keep my thoughts about your relationship/husband to myself because that's not what you asked.
I do have an alternative solution. You could drive to a mall or gym/YMCA and do laps there. Malls have security so there is a low chance of something bad happening. Gyms usually have security too. You could go at an off time so that there aren't many people there if he has problems with other people being there but honestly how many men do walking laps around a track? It's mostly senior citizens...not very threatening.
I do have an alternative solution. You could drive to a mall or gym/YMCA and do laps there. Malls have security so there is a low chance of something bad happening. Gyms usually have security too. You could go at an off time so that there aren't many people there if he has problems with other people being there but honestly how many men do walking laps around a track? It's mostly senior citizens...not very threatening.
This version of myself is not permanent, tomorrow I will be different. --BEP
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deadweight
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:48 pm
well, you're in a tough position.
If you think he can be reasoned with then it should be pretty easy, because the odds of an adult woman, walking in a well-populated area, in the daytime (or even at night), being abducted by a stranger are vanishingly small. I would say it's essentially zero. You would be much more likely to get struck by lightning.
If he can't be reasoned with -- and often guys with extreme paranoia/jealousy issues can't -- then Shannah's idea is pretty good (although walking around a mall is kind of monotonous).
If you think he can be reasoned with then it should be pretty easy, because the odds of an adult woman, walking in a well-populated area, in the daytime (or even at night), being abducted by a stranger are vanishingly small. I would say it's essentially zero. You would be much more likely to get struck by lightning.
If he can't be reasoned with -- and often guys with extreme paranoia/jealousy issues can't -- then Shannah's idea is pretty good (although walking around a mall is kind of monotonous).
I started three responses to this that I deleted... it's quite hard for me to respond within the reality framed by the question.
What I would do...
- Ask my husband to identify his concerns clearly and specifically.
- Determine if I think they're reasonable. (Maybe it's a tremendously high-crime area? Or traffic is really dangerous - there are times when I won't walk because while the distance is reasonable, the terrain isn't.)
- If I agree, look for alternatives to address those concerns. (Mall, gym, etc.)
- If I don't agree, discuss, drawing on facts. (Daylight, kidnapping is rare, can't live in a fortress, car accidents are more common, etc.)
- If I still don't think his concerns are reasonable - and since what I'm doing doesn't directly involve him - then I get to decide.
I would tell him (nicely) that I'm sorry that he's so worried, but I really need exercise and intend to walk. He is welcome to walk with me if that would make him feel better, or I will walk alone.
- I might offer to call before/after if I thought he was driven by genuine concern and that would help ease his mind.
- Then I'd just walk. And once I survived the first week, I'd smile and say "See? Not a problem."
In my view, you get to choose whether or not you want to walk. He only gets to choose whether or not he's concerned enough to walk with you.
But we obviously have very different parameters in our relationships, so this approach may not work for you.
What I would do...
- Ask my husband to identify his concerns clearly and specifically.
- Determine if I think they're reasonable. (Maybe it's a tremendously high-crime area? Or traffic is really dangerous - there are times when I won't walk because while the distance is reasonable, the terrain isn't.)
- If I agree, look for alternatives to address those concerns. (Mall, gym, etc.)
- If I don't agree, discuss, drawing on facts. (Daylight, kidnapping is rare, can't live in a fortress, car accidents are more common, etc.)
- If I still don't think his concerns are reasonable - and since what I'm doing doesn't directly involve him - then I get to decide.
I would tell him (nicely) that I'm sorry that he's so worried, but I really need exercise and intend to walk. He is welcome to walk with me if that would make him feel better, or I will walk alone. - I might offer to call before/after if I thought he was driven by genuine concern and that would help ease his mind.
- Then I'd just walk. And once I survived the first week, I'd smile and say "See? Not a problem."
In my view, you get to choose whether or not you want to walk. He only gets to choose whether or not he's concerned enough to walk with you.
But we obviously have very different parameters in our relationships, so this approach may not work for you.
Hmmm... that's a tough position to be put into by your husband! But, as some of the others have suggested, there are definitely ways to help him understand that this is important to you and good for you and you can do this safely!
If he won't let you go alone, have him go with you, and as an added bonus, have the kids come too! Make it a family fitness function.
Maybe tell hubby to get some pepper spray and you can offer to take your cell phone as a precaution.
If all else fails, then tell him he needs to fork over the money for you to get a treadmill to safely walk at home! Kinda lame, I know - but hey, you would be walking in the safety of your own home!
If he won't let you go alone, have him go with you, and as an added bonus, have the kids come too! Make it a family fitness function.
Maybe tell hubby to get some pepper spray and you can offer to take your cell phone as a precaution.
If all else fails, then tell him he needs to fork over the money for you to get a treadmill to safely walk at home! Kinda lame, I know - but hey, you would be walking in the safety of your own home!
KCCC is so diplomatic. And, if I had a weapon in your situation (as Graham suggests), I probably couldn't be trusted.
I'm going to take the role of DB (Designated B!%@#).
I have found that when I allow others to dictate my actions, I have resentment and bitterness. Doesn't work out too well.
My suggestion: sit him down and tell him that your health is important to you and to the family. That you need to take care of yourself. And that you need some space. And work something out.
If you want to.
You actually have a very good excuse to not go for a walk. It all depends on what matters to you.
I'm going to take the role of DB (Designated B!%@#).
I have found that when I allow others to dictate my actions, I have resentment and bitterness. Doesn't work out too well.
My suggestion: sit him down and tell him that your health is important to you and to the family. That you need to take care of yourself. And that you need some space. And work something out.
If you want to.
You actually have a very good excuse to not go for a walk. It all depends on what matters to you.
~Scrybil~
Thank you all for your responses. I know that he is overly worried about certain things....the whole "don't go walking/running" is one of them.
I'm going to talk to him and try to work it out. I've been working out like a fiend at the gym for the past two years, and I'm quite burned out....so much so that I pretty much gave up on it about a month or two ago because I know it's not sustainable for life.
I'm hoping that he will understand where I'm coming from. And I think I may just have to do it (even if he asks me not to) in order to prove a point.
I'm going to talk to him and try to work it out. I've been working out like a fiend at the gym for the past two years, and I'm quite burned out....so much so that I pretty much gave up on it about a month or two ago because I know it's not sustainable for life.
I'm hoping that he will understand where I'm coming from. And I think I may just have to do it (even if he asks me not to) in order to prove a point.
The Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan, said something I've heard before which is "understand before disagreeing."
KCCC is right: try to understand your husband's view. Walking to a local shopping mall in daylight doesn't sound dangerous, but maybe he sees things you don't see. I thought it silly that my husband wouldn't let a 10 year old boy go in the men's locker room by himself, but it turns out that other fathers had the same view. I certainly had no problem with a 10 year old daughter going in the women's locker room by herself, and this was my perspective. His perspective was different because he knows men's locker rooms aren't so safe for same sex children.
Assume your husband has reasonable fears and draw them out. Sometimes, I listen to my husband until he changes his mind, and sometimes I listen until I change my mind!
Kathleen
KCCC is right: try to understand your husband's view. Walking to a local shopping mall in daylight doesn't sound dangerous, but maybe he sees things you don't see. I thought it silly that my husband wouldn't let a 10 year old boy go in the men's locker room by himself, but it turns out that other fathers had the same view. I certainly had no problem with a 10 year old daughter going in the women's locker room by herself, and this was my perspective. His perspective was different because he knows men's locker rooms aren't so safe for same sex children.
Assume your husband has reasonable fears and draw them out. Sometimes, I listen to my husband until he changes his mind, and sometimes I listen until I change my mind!
Kathleen
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bluebunny27
- Posts: 831
- Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2009 8:07 pm
- Location: Montreal, Canada
Walking around with a revolver, made me laugh
Why not the most powerful handgun in the world :
Smith & Wesson Model 500 .50-Cal.
You could shoot a huge grizzly bear with that thing and it would be down for the count with just one shot. It's a hand cannon, really.
http://www.popularmechanics.com/outdoor ... on/1277336
5 times more powerful than a typical gun a cop would use, Glock-22's are among the most popular apparently.
Anyway this is a tough question to answer. If you absolutely want to walk I would suggest a treadmill at home, a gym where you can run laps would be awesome, or they have machines there too ... outside you can use a place where there are a lot of people, there's a track near where I live, it's around a soccer field, small gravel, good for running, many people train there so it's very safe ...
The main thing is to be in a place where you are not by yourself of course so all those criminals will leave you alone.
You can try many different sports or activities too, if you are bored by the ones you did before, why not try a new sport. The main thing is to have fun and 'break a sweat' ! You should talk to your husband too so he stops worrying about this ... and make sure not to take unnecessary risks of course.
Smith & Wesson Model 500 .50-Cal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoW8nHIVuRk&NR=1
Wow, awesome short clip, someone trying out that handgun ... More powerful than the 'Dirty Harry' gun ... I think if you would shoot someone in the head with that thing it would really explode like that watermelon we see in the clip ... there wouldn't be any head left at all ... it would be *gone*.
Cheers !
Marc
38 Years Old, 5'10" Tall
Nov. 1st. 2008 : 280 Pounds
Nov. 1st. 2009 : 190 Pounds
(1 Year : - 90 Pounds)
Current Weight : 193 Pounds
Why not the most powerful handgun in the world :
Smith & Wesson Model 500 .50-Cal.
You could shoot a huge grizzly bear with that thing and it would be down for the count with just one shot. It's a hand cannon, really.
http://www.popularmechanics.com/outdoor ... on/1277336
5 times more powerful than a typical gun a cop would use, Glock-22's are among the most popular apparently.
Anyway this is a tough question to answer. If you absolutely want to walk I would suggest a treadmill at home, a gym where you can run laps would be awesome, or they have machines there too ... outside you can use a place where there are a lot of people, there's a track near where I live, it's around a soccer field, small gravel, good for running, many people train there so it's very safe ...
The main thing is to be in a place where you are not by yourself of course so all those criminals will leave you alone.
You can try many different sports or activities too, if you are bored by the ones you did before, why not try a new sport. The main thing is to have fun and 'break a sweat' ! You should talk to your husband too so he stops worrying about this ... and make sure not to take unnecessary risks of course. Smith & Wesson Model 500 .50-Cal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoW8nHIVuRk&NR=1
Wow, awesome short clip, someone trying out that handgun ... More powerful than the 'Dirty Harry' gun ... I think if you would shoot someone in the head with that thing it would really explode like that watermelon we see in the clip ... there wouldn't be any head left at all ... it would be *gone*.
Cheers !
Marc
38 Years Old, 5'10" Tall
Nov. 1st. 2008 : 280 Pounds
Nov. 1st. 2009 : 190 Pounds
(1 Year : - 90 Pounds)
Current Weight : 193 Pounds
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Too solid flesh
- Posts: 639
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 5:22 pm
- Location: England
I hope that you're joking, Graham!Graham wrote:Hmm - If I'm correct in assuming you are in the US somewhere, would it reassure your husband if, when you walk alone, you carried a revolver? Just a thought...
This reminds me of Bree in Desperate Housewives:
How about a rape alarm, or personal safety alarm, or whatever they are called in the US?Try "Gun City" on route 6 by the Baptist church. Tell them I sent you, and they'll give you a sweet discount.
Be kind, for everybody you meet is fighting a hard battle.
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paulawylma
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:56 am
- Location: Columbus OH
Walking alone
Well Why not tell your husband that you agree with him and so you are going to take self defence or martail arts lessons instead. After you learn to defend yourself then you husband can't complain and you will develope greater confidence . Btw, self defense can be more useful than a formal martial art but Kav Mag ( Israeli martial art) is basically scientific street fighting. And unlike a gun, knowledge is street legal.
Ha! Leave it to Marc (bluebunny) to give us some visuals!
Where do you live??? I guess I've only lived in safe areas, so it's hard for me to understand, but I'd maybe take a self-defense class, get pepper spray, a mean dog to walk with, or have him buy a VERY nice tredmill.
Where do you live??? I guess I've only lived in safe areas, so it's hard for me to understand, but I'd maybe take a self-defense class, get pepper spray, a mean dog to walk with, or have him buy a VERY nice tredmill.
I guess this doesn't work unless you actually do it.
Please pray for me
Please pray for me
Unless you agree with him that the area is dangerous or think that he has the right to dictate your actions, I would not do things like take a self defence class or walk indoors or get a treadmillor a rape alarm. All that does is signal that you'll change what you do to placate him and bow to his concerns.
Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. We had a talk and he is fine with me walking---as long as it's during the day (no early early morning or late at night), as long as I have someone with me (my kids, a friend, etc.), and as long as I have my cell phone.
I thought these were reasonable and glad that we were able to work it out. I think he just gets really concerned about some random whacko stopping and picking me up. We don't live in an unsafe place, but there are incidents that would cause a red flag to go up.
Anyways, it worked out. Thanks again!!!
I thought these were reasonable and glad that we were able to work it out. I think he just gets really concerned about some random whacko stopping and picking me up. We don't live in an unsafe place, but there are incidents that would cause a red flag to go up.
Anyways, it worked out. Thanks again!!!
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Strawberry Roan
- Posts: 1208
- Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:51 pm
Glad you worked things out, sounds like a great compromise for all concerned. The execise will also be good for your kids or whoever walks with you.cricket wrote:Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. We had a talk and he is fine with me walking---as long as it's during the day (no early early morning or late at night), as long as I have someone with me (my kids, a friend, etc.), and as long as I have my cell phone.
I thought these were reasonable and glad that we were able to work it out. I think he just gets really concerned about some random whacko stopping and picking me up. We don't live in an unsafe place, but there are incidents that would cause a red flag to go up.
Anyways, it worked out. Thanks again!!!
And, Marc, loved the bear!
Berry
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Blithe Morning
- Posts: 1221
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- Location: South Dakota
I'm glad it worked out and that your DH was open to reason. One thing to help in your self protection is to change up your route frequently.
I stayed by myself at state park campground in lieu of a hotel when I went out of town for a class. DH wanted me to take bear spray to protect against a personal attack by a human as there were no bears at this park. He also wanted me to take a weather radio. Since this was a rustic backpack in campground with minimal park staffing, I can understand why. But, I wasn't thrilled as every ounce really matters when slogging the gear to the site.
I actually did buy a weather radio but it ran down the batteries way too quickly to be of use. And I forgot to pack the bear spray. Fortunately, I didn't run into severe weather or an assailant.
I stayed by myself at state park campground in lieu of a hotel when I went out of town for a class. DH wanted me to take bear spray to protect against a personal attack by a human as there were no bears at this park. He also wanted me to take a weather radio. Since this was a rustic backpack in campground with minimal park staffing, I can understand why. But, I wasn't thrilled as every ounce really matters when slogging the gear to the site.
I actually did buy a weather radio but it ran down the batteries way too quickly to be of use. And I forgot to pack the bear spray. Fortunately, I didn't run into severe weather or an assailant.
