Food and love - reflections

No Snacks, no sweets, no seconds. Except on Days that start with S. Too simple for you? Simple is why it works. Look here for questions, introductions, support, success stories.

Moderators: Soprano, automatedeating

Post Reply
kccc
Posts: 3957
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:12 am

Food and love - reflections

Post by kccc » Fri Jun 24, 2011 5:52 pm

On another thread, someone mentioned the connection between food and love - as in, giving kids (or pets) food all the time because they are loved...

This is a really complex topic, and I've actually thought a good bit about it., from two directions - that of someone having food pushed AT them, and that of BEING the "food pusher."

One of the reasons I gained weight in the first place is that my family was definitely a "food is love" family...and also a "don't waste" and "clean your plate" family - deadly combinations!

One form of "teenage rebellion" for me was a determination NOT to be like my family in terms of obesity. I began to refuse the food (and to some extent, the love too, for a time) when I was in my late teens and early 20's. Later, as I matured and mellowed, I found ways to accept the love without the food. It's easier in places like office groups, when someone brings in a dish - you can admire the food verbally without ever tasting it, and express appreciation for their thoughtfulness even if you're not eating. With family you don't see often, it can usually be managed. With close family.... much harder.

When I was in college, my mother and I had a "standard fight" every time I came home. She would cook things she thought I'd like and begin offering food the moment I walked in the door. However, being "not fat" was very important to my identity at that time; I'd lost my early weight...but it was hard for me to maintain a reasonable weight. So, I would refuse. She'd continue offering, until I finally responded in a temper... at which point, she would act extremely hurt and say that I didn't have to snap at her! I would feel both guilty and provoked. And I dreaded these fights so much that I went home as rarely as I could. (And I don't think my mother ever clued into the fact that her efforts to make me welcome - as she saw it - were actually pushing me away.)

Eventually, I read "The Dance of Anger" and learned a technique for dealing with that kind of situation, called the "broken record technique." (Look it up, young'uns.) Essentially, you choose a polite phrase and repeat it in a polite tone until the other person runs down. I chose "No thanks, I'm not hungry."

The first time I tried it with Mom, it took forever. Some way into it, I started actually timing. From the point that I started watching the clock, twenty minutes went by with her offering food and me refusing it with my polite phrase. Eventually, she ran down and said "if you want something, you know where it is." I was amazed and elated - it worked! On subsequent visits, we repeated the conversation, but at shorter length each time. I felt we'd reached a real milestone years later, when I actually was hungry and had to ask if I could get something!

As I got more confident in my ability to respond, I could answer more kindly. "That sounds great. I'll get some later" or "yes, that's a favorite. I'm not hungry now, but I appreciate your making it."

But now I'm on the other side....Fast forward... I'm a mom, and the main cook in our family.

I swore I would NEVER make my kids clean their plates, or eat a minimum amount of anything. (To this day, I cannot bear French toast because my mom would insist that if she made it, we had to eat at least two pieces - way too much for me. I still associate French toast with feeling nauseated.) That much, I've stuck to for the most part. (He never has to finish anything, but if he doesn't eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, there's no dessert/later snacking.)

However, a lot of effort goes into making food that is good for my family and that they will like. I have realized that there is an extent to which food IS love, particularly when you're trying to please someone else.

But here's the rule I eventually developed: I can offer food as love, ONLY IF I do not demand that it's eaten as proof of being loved back.

My moment of insight behind that rule: When my son was 9, I was preparing food for his birthday/Halloween party. I got tons of recipes for Halloween party food - hot dogs wrapped in dough and decorated to look like mummies, etc. However, I didn't get the reaction I'd expected from him, and felt rather miffed. All this work, unappreciated! Then I realized: He'd never asked me to do "all that work." He didn't care about the food - he just wanted his friends over. I was making all that stuff because I thought it would be cool. Which was fine - I was allowed to have fun cooking - as long as I didn't demand a particular response back.

So I went on with the edible eyeballs and other party food, but didn't ask for more than "everyone got enough to eat" at the end. As a bonus, the next year, when I didn't have time to cook, I ordered pizza with a clear conscience! (I did make a homemade cake, which he DID care about.)

A final coda: My mom is now elderly, and on a highly restricted diet for health reasons. My sisters and I have spent - and continue to spend - a lot of effort finding and making foods that she can have and would actually like. Very definitely love. Even when she doesn't like what we made or found for her. :)

Thalia
Posts: 569
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 8:15 pm
Location: Southern California

Post by Thalia » Fri Jun 24, 2011 6:45 pm

That is an incredibly insightful post. what I'm coming away with is, it's fine to offer food or to prepare wonderful food as a sign of love -- it is NOT OK to insist that someone must eat it as a sign of THEIR love. It seems like feeding our loved ones is a really basic human impulse, and a good, healthy one -- to throw that away because food is a bad dangerous thing (which so many diet programs seem to insist we do) is a terrible loss. Your coda is really touching!

That comes down to so many other things too, it seems to me -- people who give gifts and then get furious if they aren't displayed the way the gift-giver wanted, or worn enough, or treasured the way the gift-giver had in mind. It's not a gift if you're going to punish the person who receives it for not valuing it the way you do.

User avatar
Blithe Morning
Posts: 1220
Joined: Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:56 pm
Location: South Dakota

Post by Blithe Morning » Sat Jun 25, 2011 12:29 pm

I had this dynamic with my late grandmother in law. She was well known for her cooking and she came from a generation and place (mid-West) where cooking was one of the few ways a woman could get public attention and praise. Along comes me from the Northeast who came from a line of women who didn't enjoy cooking, didn't see cooking as part of their identity and value, and never sought to develop those skills beyond the bare minimum. Mix into this dynamic my ongoing struggle with weight and the whole diet head view about good foods and bad foods and you have a very complicated relationship filled with misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Further complicating this scenario was her penchant for buying me tons of garage sale stuff which I never asked for.

Eventually, we were able to get past this, although I admit it took me about 20 years to understand and appreciate her. I was 22 when I came into the family and had a lot of growing up to do. Sadly, she passed away last fall and I believe she knew just how much I respected her and loved her, not for her cooking (although I've come to value that), but for her strength and courage. She lived through hard times and yet marched on.

osoniye
Posts: 1257
Joined: Sat May 22, 2010 2:19 pm
Location: Horn of Africa

Post by osoniye » Sat Jun 25, 2011 2:47 pm

Thanks for that post KC. I'm from a "food is love" family, and it's a bit disfunctional, but I'm trying to appreciate the effort, and also put in the effort with a more detatched attitude, as you described. I have a problem with friends who use "food as love", or "eating together as bonding". I realize I'm prone to overeat with or for these people, and that doesn't seem healthy. I guess as an only child, and a single, I see friends in more of a family category, and that has advantages and disadvantages to it!
-Sonya
No Sweets, No Snacks and No Seconds, Except (Sometimes) on days that start with "S".

kccc
Posts: 3957
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:12 am

Post by kccc » Sat Jun 25, 2011 3:22 pm

Thalia and Blithe, you are SO right about that extending to "stuff". My parents like to yard sale... I have learned to refuse things, but also think of things I DO want that they could look for.

I still have trouble de-cluttering my house of things-other-people-gave-me, though.

However, I'm finding if I answer people on the emotional level (it's about caring, showing/accepting love) rather than the surface level (about food/stuff), everything goes better...

eschano
Posts: 2642
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2012 2:20 pm

Post by eschano » Tue Jul 24, 2012 1:15 pm

Hi KCCC,

This post is brilliant! My grandparents fed me a lot of their love. Although, I just ate it willingly :)

It's a very insightful post about food, love, effort, and appreciation.
eschano - Vanilla rocks!

July 2012- January 2016
Started again January 2021

User avatar
ZippaDee
Posts: 745
Joined: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:14 pm
Location: No Quit Zone

Post by ZippaDee » Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:09 pm

GREAT post! I definitely come from a "food is love" family! I enjoy cooking for my family.....nothing wrong with that....as long as I don't demand they eat it to prove that they love me. Brillian! I will hang onto this for myself! Thanks!
But here's the rule I eventually developed: I can offer food as love, ONLY IF I do not demand that it's eaten as proof of being loved back.
"Rivers know this: There is no hurry. We shall get there some day." ~Winnie the Pooh ~

A Flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms!

Diets Don't Work.

oolala53
Posts: 10059
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:46 am
Location: San Diego, CA USA

Post by oolala53 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:20 am

I never think of my family as pushing food on me until I left home and then returned, mostly on visits. I almost never drink orange juice and my mother would ALWAYS offer me orange juice when I first got up. It would infuriate me, too. Later, I realized I could just say no. I realized my anger was because I was struggling so often with my own impulses to overeat. I felt I would rather not even be offered food. But it would also upset me because she did act disappointed when I didn't have any. I think she also felt a little miffed because I didn't stick to my own rules.

We got over it basically, before she died. But I wish now I had been open enough to say, Mom, I don't need you to give me a lot of food to know you love me. I feel it a lot of the time and enjoy lots of other things about you, too!
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

User avatar
BrightAngel
Posts: 2093
Joined: Wed Apr 09, 2008 4:22 pm
Location: Central California
Contact:

Re: Food and love - reflections

Post by BrightAngel » Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:44 pm

KCCC wrote:But here's the rule I eventually developed: I can offer food as love, ONLY IF I do not demand that it's eaten as proof of being loved back.

....However, I didn't get the reaction I'd expected from him, and felt rather miffed. All this work, unappreciated! Then I realized: He'd never asked me to do "all that work." He didn't care about the food - he just wanted his friends over. I was making all that stuff because I thought it would be cool. Which was fine - I was allowed to have fun cooking - as long as I didn't demand a particular response back.
Great Insight. :wink:
BrightAngel - (Dr. Collins)
See: DietHobby. com

Post Reply