Advice appreciated

No Snacks, no sweets, no seconds. Except on Days that start with S. Too simple for you? Simple is why it works. Look here for questions, introductions, support, success stories.

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good enough
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Advice appreciated

Post by good enough » Mon Dec 10, 2012 8:48 pm

Apologies in advance for the long post but I really don't know where else to turn to with this at the moment, and I need to make some changes.

I discovered No S some time ago but my struggles with extremes of eating have meant that I haven't ever given it a fair chance. Like many people I started dieting when I was young, and it took hold of my life very quickly. I have starved, binged and abused my body in various ways for most of my life, and can't remember ever not being at war with my body. I hate it passionately, just as much as I hate my lack of willpower and control over food. My struggles with this are all-consuming at this point. Dieting, weight and food are all I ever think about. I want desperately to be thin - not just slim, but thin. I spend every spare moment looking at pictures of skinny models, reading online forums and diet books in secret on my kindle, planning my next diet and diving into a new one every week. Well I think I've finally run out of diets. Last week I broke down in the supermarket because I was so overwhelmed and had no idea what I should buy myself to eat for the week. I walked out with 3 packets of instant soup. I don't feel like I'm good enough for food, so when I do actually eat I stuff myself (self fulfilling prophecy - fat pig fat pig fat pig). Lately I have been in a binge phase. I finally faced the scale this morning - 137.2 pounds. If I'm honest, that's about 37 pounds away from my ideal weight (which I have never reached).

I guess what actually brings me here now though is that my restricting and bingeing are taking their toll on my relationship. I really don't care about my own health or wellbeing but I can't hurt my partner. I know I need to get over this somehow but I have two major problems:

1. I can't pretend I've given up on the dream to be thin (and I know No S won't get me there).
2. I feel like I'm literally incapable of moderation. It's much easier for me to starve or binge - I rebel against moderation because it frightens me.

If anyone has any advice to offer on either of these points (or anything really) it would be much appreciated. I think I need to give No S another go because I'm running out of options and feel like I'm losing my mind.

Thanks for listening.

milliem
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Post by milliem » Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:15 pm

Hi McQueen, wow it sounds like you've had some tough times! You've come to a good place, there is so much experience and support here :)

I have to ask because there are quite a few things that worry me about your post, have you looked into some kind of therapy or professional support/help about your eating? To be obsessed with food, to not care about yourself or your health, to be referring to yourself in such a negative way... not to point out the obvious but that is really not good for you, even more so than what and when you eat! I say this out of genuine concern, please remember that it's ok to ask for help when you need it, and it's absolutely ok to need help.

I can't pretend to know how it feels to be obsessed and overwhelmed by food. It sounds exhausting! My main advice would be to just start NoS. Don't overthink if you should or shouldn't - try it. NoS at it's core is pretty much a moderate, healthy, sustainable way to eat for the rest of your life so if you want to eventually move on from 'diet head' then it's the way to go! NoS puts you back in control of what and when you eat! I'd actually really recommend reading the NoS book before you start, there's loads of good information and tips in there, I found it really motivational.

As for your two points I'm not sure I can help that much! You don't have to give up the dream right now, but it sounds like even with an eating pattern that stresses you out you haven't been able to get there. How would you feel if you weren't at that goal but felt good about how and what you ate? Do you know what it is about moderation that is scary for you?

Some tips that might help you get through:
- have some default meals that you know you enjoy and don't freak you out too much in terms of content/calories
- think of NoS in tems of 'days on habit' and 'days not on habit' if it helps you more than 'success/failure'
- you can work up to it if you need to and try incorporating one habit at a time
- remember that you are NOT incapable. You are dealing with more than a lot of people have to in terms of their food intake, you CAN do this
- sustained moderation is something to work towards. Each day you follow the NoS habits is a day more sensible eating than you were doing before!
- find ways to reward yourself for a job well done that don't involve food, and remember to praise yourself for any positive progress no matter how small you think it is!

I wish you all the best, if you decide to give it a go maybe start a check in thread for support or advice. Habitcal is pretty awesome as well!

emmay
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Post by emmay » Mon Dec 10, 2012 11:10 pm

You are good enough McQueen. Good enough to eat nutritious and delicious food, good enough to wear nice clothes, good enough to enjoy regular, moderate exercise, good enough to love yourself and your body, no matter what you weigh, good enough to enjoy time to yourself and with loved ones.
Put aside the 'thinspiration' is sucks and is not good enough for you.
Try reading some of Karly Pitman's writings on body image:
http://www.firstourselves.org/getting-s ... ody-image/

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BrightAngel
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Re: Advice appreciated

Post by BrightAngel » Tue Dec 11, 2012 1:34 am

McQueen wrote:If anyone has any advice to offer on either of these points (or anything really) it would be much appreciated.
ImageI totally understand your feelings, and have spent many years dealing with them myself.
I suspect that you might benefit from reading many of the things that I share at DietHobby.
See Link below. If you have any comments or questions to anything you see there,
please contact me.
BrightAngel - (Dr. Collins)
See: DietHobby. com

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Blithe Morning
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Post by Blithe Morning » Tue Dec 11, 2012 2:27 am

I think you may need more help than what can be found on a message board. This sounds more serious than what No S can address.
Last edited by Blithe Morning on Tue Dec 11, 2012 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Tue Dec 11, 2012 2:42 am

I lived very close to what you are talking about for long periods of time. I echo what at least one of the other posters has said- that this is bigger than just a simple desire to drop a few pounds.

If you are willing to join Sparkpeople (for free), you can see there that I lead a group on Living Binge Free, where we concentrate on defeating bingeing and ameliorating body hatred. I also lead the No S team there.

None of us are professionals there and this might warrant professional help.

It's your choice if you want to make your size rule your life, but it's not necessary, and is definitely a culturally-induced value.

As the Indian sage Ramana Maharshi said, "To seek happiness and yet rely on the body is like trying to cross a river on the back of a crocodile."

Very few people conquer bingeing while trying to achieve a particular weight. Yes, they are out there, but they represent an extremely small minority. In fact, *"The goal of weight loss is incompatible with recovering from disordered eating." Center for Clinical Interventions (Australia)

Good luck, hon.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

jellybeans01
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Location: San Antonio

Post by jellybeans01 » Tue Dec 11, 2012 4:17 am

change your self talk
1. you Are able to eat in moderation (tell yourself that everyday)
2. no s can make you thin. I use three small plates 7 inches or so when I am not pregnant and can get easily into my size 6 jeans some 4's.

wosnes
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Post by wosnes » Tue Dec 11, 2012 12:01 pm

Blithe Morning wrote:I think you may need more help than what can be found on a message board. This sounds more serious than what No S can address.
I agree. I am curious, though, how tall are you?
"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do. Not that the nature of the thing itself has changed but our power to do it is increased." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You are what you eat -- so don't be Fast, Easy, Cheap or Fake."

good enough
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Post by good enough » Tue Dec 11, 2012 1:43 pm

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my message. I am really touched by your kind words and good advice, it almost made me tear up. I did actually speak to my doctor about this once but then wished I hadn't. I felt so embarrassed sitting in the doctor’s office, crying about weight and eating when I wasn't even underweight. So I didn't follow it up. I just feel that I don’t deserve help because I am not thin enough to warrant concern – it feels really selfish and attention-seeking. I know that’s not right, but it’s how I feel. I do want to make changes (if only to save my relationship) on the other hand it is really hard to change something which has consumed your life for so long.

You have all given me a lot to think about, and I actually feel a lot better for having ‘got this off my chest’. I am going to keep reading and hanging out here if that’s ok, and think about how I can start implementing some changes. Small steps. Thank you again for your kindness, it means a lot.

PS Wosnes - I am 5’6â€, currently at my highest weight.

wosnes
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Post by wosnes » Tue Dec 11, 2012 4:18 pm

McQueen wrote: PS Wosnes - I am 5’6â€, currently at my highest weight.
Throughout time and history, the "average" woman (5'4") has weighed about 120 pounds, plus or minus a few pounds due to bone structure, etc. Taller or shorter women have weighed about 5 pounds more or less per inch of height -- again plus or minus a few pounds.

Your current weight is actually quite good for your height -- and 100 pounds is way too little. Probably the reason you've never achieved your goal weight is that you're not supposed to weigh that little! It's not healthy for you and quite possibly not attractive, either.

I have no experience and little knowledge or understanding of what you're going through, but I do think that you need help that we can't give you here. In fact, it probably shouldn't come from anywhere on the internet. However, this is a good place to learn about moderate eating habits.
"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do. Not that the nature of the thing itself has changed but our power to do it is increased." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You are what you eat -- so don't be Fast, Easy, Cheap or Fake."

milliem
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Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2011 2:30 pm

Post by milliem » Tue Dec 11, 2012 6:02 pm

You aren't underweight, but you aren't overweight either by the sounds of things (putting your stats into a BMI calculator places you at 21.9, solidly in the healthy category).

Neither of those things mean you are undeserving of help! Your thinking about eating and body image is clearly making you miserable and a binge/starve cycle isn't great for your body either. It may well be embarrassing to lay your innermost thoughts and worries out in front of someone, but professionals are there to help, you do deserve it!

Don't think we're trying to get rid of you or anything :D I'm sure you can get great support, inspiration and advice here, just for some people face to face help is the only way to get to the bottom off everything once and for all :)

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Blithe Morning
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Post by Blithe Morning » Tue Dec 11, 2012 8:50 pm

Please do continue to hang out with us! Finding a group that is moderate about food is a rare thing on the internet.

But really, I would print out your post and give it to a doctor or a counselor. This is a terrible way to live. Life can actually be pretty fun.

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Fri Dec 14, 2012 1:07 am

Body image issues are mentally painful and rob you of much of life no matter how much you weigh. In other words, you don't need to weigh a certain amount to "qualify" for help. You have a mental image problem and a self-valuing problem, not a weight problem. You deserve help. The fact that you don't think/feel you deserve it is one of the symptoms! so you can't use that to justify not getting it. And getting even the perfect body is not going to solve it.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

good enough
Posts: 129
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 1:16 pm
Location: London, UK

Post by good enough » Sun Jan 13, 2013 3:43 pm

Hello again,

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who left their kind words on this thread. I have (finally) asked for help. I cracked and went to my doctor this week, he is referring me for cognitive behaviour therapy and has also put me on some medication for anxiety / depression. Feeling very ropey at the moment because of all the side effects but I know it will get better and that I'm on the right road.

Your comments and kindness meant a lot to me and really got me thinking, I just want to let you know how much I appreciate it. I love this community. I think I may start my own journal thread so I record my thoughts each day as I go through this journey. I still believe No S can be of use to me, somehow it just makes sense.

Many thanks again... xxx

oolala53
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Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:46 am
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Post by oolala53 » Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:13 pm

Congrats on taking this step.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

idontknow
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Joined: Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:43 pm
Location: UK

Post by idontknow » Tue Jan 15, 2013 8:34 pm

Well done on asking for help. I am looking forward to reading your thread and seeing how you get on :D
53 years old
Average weight loss:
May 18 - 2.45lbs

eschano
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Post by eschano » Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:47 am

What a brave and healthy thing to do! Looking forward to your journal entries.
eschano - Vanilla rocks!

July 2012- January 2016
Started again January 2021

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