Help me develp a system for worrying, please!

An everyday system, TM, is a simple, commonsense solution to an everyday problem, grounded by a pun or metaphor. Propose/discuss new systems here.
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zoolina
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Help me develp a system for worrying, please!

Post by zoolina » Fri Jan 19, 2007 3:28 pm

A few months ago I was invited to a party in which I had to dress in a color that represented my biggest character flaw. Not seeing myself in the five "flaws" given for the party, I was forced to think about what I dislike most about myself. And yep, here it is: I"m a worry-wart.

Although not one of the 7 deadly sins, I wonder if there's an everyday system out there that could help me work on this problem. A sort of worring glass ceiling?

Any ideas??

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reinhard
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Post by reinhard » Fri Jan 19, 2007 4:28 pm

Hmmm. Is this a commission? :-)

I'm not an awful worrier myself, but I do worry more than I'd like... and my wife could certainly use some help in that department. I'll see what I can do.

By the way, what color did you choose? (and why)

Reinhard

ThomsonsPier
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Post by ThomsonsPier » Fri Jan 19, 2007 4:52 pm

Hmm, sounds like an odd party. What colour do you think I should wear for having too high an opinion of myself?

I can't think of a single use for worrying. I would say, therefore, that whenever you find yourself worrying, stop it. That's probably about as much help as inserting an anchovy up each nostril, but it's all I can come up with at the moment.
ThomsonsPier

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zoolina
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Post by zoolina » Wed Jan 24, 2007 7:52 am

Thompson-- I think "arrogance" was blue.

I chose green: "grumpy."

It was a kind of fun party because everyone had something to talk about right off.

kccc
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Post by kccc » Fri Jan 26, 2007 4:25 pm

I love the party idea... and now I want to know all five colors/faults. :)

Worrying seems like a "long-term problem" to me. Not sure that it's amenable to simple solutions. More like housework - you need a "collection" of simple strategies.

Some for me...
- Attend to basic physical health. I worry more when my body is not handling stress well. (Also, taking a big, deep breath and relaxing my shoulders and jaw - where I hold stress - helps energize me to cope with worry.)

- Sometimes worry is genuinely a signal that something needs attention. Ask yourself questions to figure out if that's the case: Why does this really matter? What's the worst thing that could happen? What would I do then? What can I do now to ensure success? The sooner you can identify a "real cause" or "possible action," the better you'll feel.

- For "free-floating worry," I recommend looking into yoga or zen. Perspectives from those have helped me a lot.

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Post by pangelsue » Tue Jan 30, 2007 5:42 am

Mark Twain was a terrible worrier. He once said of all the terrible things he experienced in his life, some of them actually happened.

From personal experience,I think worry comes from a need to feel in control of all situations at all times. I find that worriers are the best people to have around in a crisis. They have vicariously experienced just about everything that can happen in life and worried so much about each one that they have thought through a solution.
Worriers are people who plan the best trips, remember all the stuff everyone else forgets, take care of the money, plan meals two weeks in advance, want to make sure Christmas goes off without a hitch and help all and sundry through rough times. As worriers, we are indispensible to the rest of the population but drive every one nuts fretting all the time. Just like every other kind of human being on the planet, there is good and bad about being who we are.
I agree with KCCC that keeping the mind relaxed, calm or otherwise engaged helps a lot. Like Thompson Pier said "whenever you find yourself worrying, just stop it". Really not bad advise. Worry tends to make one obsessive compulsive and overfocused on a single topic. Breaking the spell and forcing yourself to do something else, helps a lot. I think worrying is like a needle stuck on the same spot on the record for a long time (my age showing talking about records and needles). You have to bump the needle to make it jump off the spot. There will be some residual feeling of "oh,oh, I stopped worrying about that before I was done" but it will pass.
Wayne Dyer once said "if you are going to worry about something just make sure you worry enough to do some good."

And finally, my personal favorite, "the fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying." It really is a useless pursuit and needs to be ignored or thrown out as often as possible. Read, dance. sing, call someone, go for a walk, volunteer, break the spell. It helps a lot. Not all the time but it does help. And remember, those that don't worry, have their issues too. Nobody gets off scot free. By the way, I think worry is gray, as in "every silver lining has a cloud." LOL.
A lot of growing up happens between "it fell" and "I dropped it."

LoveULife
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Post by LoveULife » Wed Jan 31, 2007 12:44 pm

I worry too much.
almost about everything.
about growing populations ,spreading HIV, my job, my weight, my finances and mostly about my relationships.
I think if we do not control our habit of worrying it sticks to us like a lifelong decease. Thanks pangelsue for those quotable quotes about "worrying"
I will try to live and "leave" my worries to God :)
Start from where u are, with whatever you have
make something of it ,and never get SATISFIED

LoveULife

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Post by pangelsue » Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:40 am

One more idea that works for me every time I am so worried I can't sleep. I mentally picture handing over everything I am worried about to a higher power. I ask Him (Her or It) to hold on to it for me til morning. I know the subject matter is in good hands while I sleep and I fully agree to take the load back on in the morning if necessary. It really helps, if you really decide to hand it over and forget about it until morning.
A lot of growing up happens between "it fell" and "I dropped it."

zoolina
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Post by zoolina » Sat Feb 03, 2007 11:00 am

yeah, the problem with just stop worrying is that some worry can be good, can insure that things get done, but mostly it's just a control thing. sometimes I use a techinque from Dale Carnagie's book "How to stop worrying and start living"
1) imagine the worst thing that can happen
2) make peace with it
3) think of what you can do to improve the situation, even slightly.

Sometimes it doesn't work, though

Sinnie
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Post by Sinnie » Fri Feb 09, 2007 4:11 pm

I really like this thread and needed it today. Sue, what a great post. You are so intelligent and described a side of us worriers that few remember when telling us to stop worrying.

I used to be a big worrier, although I've learned to just stop sometimes. It almosts feels like "screw it, this stress isn't worth it." So even though it sounds like I'm giving up, it's more like I just can't worry about this anymore. And nine times of ten everything turns out just fine. I think us worriers do have a tendency to have things go our way ;)

I try to remember that both guilt and worry are more or less useless. Guilt is in the past and worry is about the future. You can't do anything about what's already happened and don't worry about the future because that worry may never transpire.

Try to enjoy the present moment. I'd say working on this bad worry habit of mine has worked - I'd say I'm only 50% of the worrier I used to be.

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Post by benjishi » Sun Feb 25, 2007 5:58 am

From my fathers high school chemistry teacher, a little mantra.
(Side note: he also said, if you were ever scared of a chemical, just don't open it. Deal with panic issues first, then do dangerous things)

Onward to the issue at hand..

"What is the worst thing that could possibly happen...?

The destruction of the entire universe.

Will you or anyone else be around to worry, should that eventuate...? No.

So why sweat the small stuff?"

stevecooper
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Pieces of the puzzle

Post by stevecooper » Wed Mar 07, 2007 7:08 am

It might help if we could break down your worrying into little chunks and defeat each of those chunks. I can think of a few types of worry; I wonder which of them hits you hardest? I'll offer a few examples; see if you can list any more.

feeling stuck: you know you've got lots to do, but you just aren't getting it done. That makes you feel bad, but you just don't know how to move on. As David Allen says, 'It's not not doing stuff, it's not doing stuff and feeling crappy about it.'

imagining the worst: you look into the future and see failure looming. You are a future-pessimist.

feeling inferior: you are constantly worrying that you're not good enough, that your friends don't really like you, that you're probably just about to be fired, etc.

guilt: you feel awful over things you did in the past, and won't forgive yourself. (NB, if you're worrying about the future consequences of past actions, that's 'imagining the worst'. Guilt is self-disapproval over things already done.)

what am I missing?: you don't trust that you've covered all the bases. When you leave the house, you worry that you've forgotten the keys, left the gas on, that you'll get lost on the way, etc.

If you could tell us what hits you hardest, then we can probably offer more targeted solutions. For example, 'feeling stuck' calls out for some kind of time-management style solution, but that's no good for guilt.

I have a comment about worry in general, though.

worry as a signal. Like KCCC, I've been convinced by the idea that all the negative emotions are signals to your brain to take some kind of action. After all, the negative emotions are built into our brains to keep us safe. Worry, anxiety, all kinds of generalised fear are a signal for us to prepare ourselves for something. Worrying about an upcoming interview? Take it as a signal from the subconscious that you still need to do some preparation. By doing some preparation as soon as you can, then, you diffuse the reason for the worry.

zoolina
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Post by zoolina » Mon Apr 02, 2007 6:40 pm

So many kinds of worry-- and I'm not sure any of those fit me. What I tend to worry about are the things that I can't control, either things I fear but don't know (vague, middle of the night unease) or things I know but can't do anything about because it's not my problem to solve. A classic example of the former is when I start a new job: I obsess about how it will be and the problems that might come up even when I have no idea what those problems really are. The second kind of worry strikes when, say, my son is having problems with his friends. I know that it's his problem to solve, but I can't help worrying whether he'll be ok or not.

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Post by kccc » Mon Apr 02, 2007 9:12 pm

A few quick strategies...

1) Question your worry... What can I do about this? What is my underlying fear? What's the worst thing that could happen? Then what? Really engage and take a hard look. Odds are you're "awfulizing" (yes, a made-up word, but it captures that obsession with things that aren't likely), and once you see that you can let it go OR deal with the realities.

2) Block out time - with an end. Okay, I'm going to worry for five minutes, but that's all the time I have and then I'm going to (something active - ANYTHING active). Or, just tell yourself STOP (out loud if need be) and immediately switch your focus to something else.

3) Find someplace to take yoga or learn meditation. Yoga and journaling work better for me than pure meditation, but anything where you start learning strategies for calming your mind will help.

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Post by Hunter Gatherer » Fri Jul 20, 2007 5:46 pm

Okay, this sounds and looks REALLY SILLY but it actually helps me, so I am going to share my "Secret Anti-Worry Weapon." A little background and then I reveal my special move.

You know how in Luke 12: 24-27 it says "Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these."

Okay, that's just the background, here's the real deal:

In quick succession, put your hands at your shoulders and flap them, and say "I am a raven!" Then cross your arms over your chest like a mummy (flat palms against shoulders) and say "I am a lily!" Then laugh at yourself (or with yourself, whatever).

Make your muscles as tight as possible while doing these movements to increase the post-pose "release." If you have somebody you trust to do this in front of that's great too, people make the best faces and that helps with step 3. Otherwise I don't really reccommend doing this in public. If you are braver than I am, more power to you.
"You've been reading about arctic explorers," I accused him. "If a man's starving he'll eat anything, but when he's just ordinarily hungry he doesn't want to clutter up his stomach with a lot of candy."
Dashiell Hammett

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reinhard
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Post by reinhard » Sat Jul 21, 2007 9:29 am

Another relevant passage I love (actually, part of the same speech in Matthew's version):
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
No associated move yet, though :-)

Reinhard

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