One tomorrow at a time

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Mon Oct 20, 2014 9:21 pm

The end of another Monday. Another start-a-new-diet, save-my-life Monday, which once again failed to deliver on its promise. I've found myself back here. Again. I don't even know if it's worth me trying to do this anymore, but I don't know where else to go. It's not so much my weight that bothers me (yes, yes it is) as much as the rate at which I am gaining, and the voracity with which I binge. 138.4 this morning. 140 tomorrow, 150 in a fortnight, 200 by Spring, dead by Summer. I hate myself and I hate how I eat. Inhaling food, tasting nothing but regret; stuffing it in way past full as if to prove that I really am the fat, greedy cow I always knew I was. No self-control, no discipline. Numbing it all with food. Taking the easy way out.

It's my birthday tomorrow. Another year ticking over. Seems like a good time for a fresh start, but I'm so tired of fresh starts. Promises to myself I never keep. Constantly analysing my emotions, wondering what it is I'm trying to shut out with food and/or diets. My life is fine. Really, fine. Except of course that I'm missing it all. Missing it thanks to my obsession with food. It's stupid to pretend otherwise. I don't know what the way out is. I don't even care if I never get skinny (stop lying). Mostly I want to stop fighting with my own brain, body and heart. So much conflict over FOOD. First world problems indeed. (Fat-thighs-fat-thighs.) I can't take the conflict anymore. Or the constant knocks to my self-esteem, what's left of it.

I'm scared to try No S again. I've tried so many times before, and each failure seems to prove my worthlessness all over again. (Can't even stick to eating three meals a day! Exactly how gluttonous are you? Fat, greedy slob.) Something in the back of my mind telling me I will get even fatter. Scared of giving up on the lifelong fantasy of being thin. Actually, I was thin, once. Properly, worryingly thin. Starving. And the most miserable I've probably ever been. (At least you had thin.) There has to be a middle ground. I'm so ready for some middle ground; some sanity. Just need to ignore the fat taunts in my head long enough to see moderation.

It's 9.45pm now. I stopped eating about an hour ago. Tomorrow, on my birthday, for at least one day, I will wake up and not be stuffed sick and disgusted with myself. I'm going out for a special dinner with the one I love; the one who loves me unconditionally. I will be hungry for that dinner. I will savour it, enjoy it for the special, happy occasion it is, and not feel any guilt. Tomorrow I will respect myself enough to feed myself three times. No more, no less.

Then we will see. No twenty-one day challenges, no commitments to a new start, no promises to myself I can't keep.

Just tomorrow.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Tue Oct 21, 2014 10:14 am

Oh hun, it hurts reading this. First of all Happy Birthday!

Second, of all the things, it doesn't seem to be your weight. It is how you talk to yourself. Work on being kind to yourself, especially in failure, and the rest will follow.

And don't forget: with NoS you are only ever one meal period away from success.

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Tue Oct 21, 2014 2:33 pm

Hello Eschano,

I was so surprised and happy to see your message. To be honest I wasnâ€™t really expecting anyone to read my outpouring, let alone reply â€“ so thank you!

Reading it back now it does sound very gloomy indeedâ€¦ I was having a low moment and just needed to let it all out. And actually I felt a lot better for it. Youâ€™re right about being down on myself - that internal voice is hard to change when itâ€™s all youâ€™ve been hearing for years, but I need to work on it.

Thank you also for the birthday wishes, I am feeling very loved by friends and family today and itâ€™s a good day to recommit to being kind to myself.

PS. I know technically today is a â€˜specialâ€™ day but itâ€™s 3pm and so far I am sticking to No S â€“ saving myself for my birthday dinner this evening, and it feels good!

Kookie · Post by **Kookie** » Tue Oct 21, 2014 8:59 pm

Hey good enough...

What a beautiful post. Very poignant and I so relate.

If you can get to that point in which life and love are more important than 'thin' then I'd say the heartbreak of food obsession was worth it. I honestly think my struggles with food are perhaps my soul's way of stripping away the self-hatred so that I get to the point that I just accept who I am, how I look, what my frailties and strengths are and swop 'how can I lose weight?' With 'how can I live a nourishing life?'. It's a massively challenging, painful work in progress.

Sending lots of love, encouragement and happy birthday wishes!!

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Wed Oct 22, 2014 10:03 am

Hi Kookie,

Thank you so much for your lovely words. Deep down I know there are more important things than being thin, but sometimes itâ€™s a struggle to remind myself. Self-acceptance is, as you say, a very challenging goal... Recently I tried intuitive eating again; I like the idea of tuning in to your body and eating according to internal guidance rather than external rules. However it triggered a period of severe bingeing, which I am just trying to work my way out of now. I know that the structure of No S can bring me calm, if only I let it.

Thank you again for your encouragement, itâ€™s much appreciated!

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Wed Oct 22, 2014 10:05 am

Checking in for yesterday. I had a lovely birthday and was thoroughly spoilt. It really helped to remember that I have so people who love and care about me â€“ and that I am worth loving and caring for! I am also very happy and proud that I managed to stick to three meals (even though dinner was huge). I know technically it was a â€˜specialâ€™ day but somehow I really appreciated having the structure of No S.

Yesterdayâ€™s food:

B â€“ Pumpkin spice latte
L â€“ Burrito
D â€“ Steak, mac & cheese, salad, bread

I also had two cocktails and a glass of wine with dinner.

A GREEN day. Letâ€™s see if I can manage another one today.

halfmoon_mollie · Post by **halfmoon_mollie** » Wed Oct 22, 2014 7:03 pm

Belated Happy Birthday. You are doing just fine. Good for you!

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Wed Oct 22, 2014 8:45 pm

Thank you, Halfmoon Mollie! Really appreciate your encouragement.

Today was my second GREEN day.

B - Porridge
L - Pastrami sandwich
D - Prawn curry & rice

I'm quite ridiculously proud of myself. The only times I felt slight discomfort were right before and after dinner. Before dinner because I was hungry (which actually made the food taste nicer). After dinner because that is my danger time for snacking (and lately, bingeing). Having a hot drink straight after dinner really helped (40 calorie hot chocolate - I am not counting drinks as part of NoS). Also I kept busy by doing some 'window shopping' online. I didn't buy anything and it kept my mind off food.

It sounds silly but it's a massive accomplishment for me to have gone two whole days without a binge. But I don't want to get carried away with my success.

Let's see if I can do one more day tomorrow.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Thu Oct 23, 2014 11:18 am

Well done! It is definitely something to be proud of! and remember in case you do binge again at some point in the future - you can do two days so you will have more and more two days until you have months. At least that's what happened to me.

I'm glad you had such a special birthday ( S or no S ). As for responding to your thread: this community is so great I think you'll come to really appreciate it. When I feel down there's always someone who manages to put a smile on my face here, even a little one.

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Thu Oct 23, 2014 7:48 pm

Thank you Eschano! I like your point about getting back on track if (when?) I binge again. Actually, I find dealing with failure the hardest part. I have a horrible habit of letting small fails escalate into catastrophic ones. I'm sure that will be tested soon enough!

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:03 pm

Another GREEN day, the third in a row.

B - 2 slices of toast with cheese
L - Chicken tikka masala with rice & mini veggie samosa
D - Tuna steak, mini garlic bread, steamed broccoli

I was really tempted to have something else to eat after dinner as I didn't quite feel satisfied, but I had my mug of 40 calorie hot chocolate instead. I know some people might consider this a 'sweet' but it's been indispensable in preventing binges for me the last few days so I'm sticking with it!

It's amazing how much better I feel about myself after only 3 binge-free days.

Tomorrow may be tricky as I have work drinks at the end of the day. I'll have to have a big lunch and try to get some sort of meal during the evening. Work drinks usually mean communal snacking on bar food so it may be a challenge. I really want to make it another green day so I can feel like I've earned my S days at the weekend!

halfmoon_mollie · Post by **halfmoon_mollie** » Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:03 pm

I've seen it here and been guilty of it myself - BAD self talk. would you talk to a friend or one of your children or a member of your family the way you talk to yourself? Be kinder. Be gentle. I remember when I was going to be in my brother's wedding and we couldn't find some undergarment to fit me. I went from store to store trying on their version of the garment and they didn't fit. And with each successive failure, the self talk got more negative. "YOu are a fat pig. What made you think you were going to be able to find (whatever it was...) in your size? You've always been a fat pig. You will always BE a fat pig." What do you think I did when I got home that night? Be forgiving. If you aren't nice to you, who will be?

MsJ · Post by **MsJ** » Fri Oct 24, 2014 12:19 am

Hi, good enough. I love the title of your journal. I just want to wish you success!

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Fri Oct 24, 2014 8:43 am

snack food is ok, just try to either put everything on one plate or do some virtual plating. It's not ideal but if you'll stick to NoS for the rest of your life you need some flexibility sometimes to deal with situations like this.

I believe a few very successful NoSers don't consider some hot chocolate drinks an S so I wouldn't worry about it.

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Fri Oct 24, 2014 12:15 pm

halfmoon_mollie wrote:Be forgiving. If you aren't nice to you, who will be?

Very true! Thank you for this.

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Fri Oct 24, 2014 12:17 pm

MsJ wrote:Hi, good enough. I love the title of your journal. I just want to wish you success!

Thank you, MsJ! I appreciate the support!

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Fri Oct 24, 2014 12:23 pm

Eschano - Thanks for the tips! I'm a bit worried about virtual plating when there's alcohol involved, as I think it would be very easy for me to eat a lot of food and lie to myself about it...

I might be able to persuade a couple of people to join me for some food first, that way I'll know I've already eaten and I won't have to worry about it.

Have a good Friday!

halfmoon_mollie · Post by **halfmoon_mollie** » Fri Oct 24, 2014 12:35 pm

food first is a very good idea, I think. Good luck.

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:52 am

Thanks Mollie!

Friday was GREEN.

B - Cheese & marmite toastie
L - Duck salad wrap, sour cream & chive popcorn
D - Cheeseburger & chips

Had a lot of fun at work drinks. I actually ate dinner in the pub, and when I told people I was ordering food some of them decided to do the same. So it all worked out okay. That's 4 green days in a row!

good enough · Post by **good enough** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 10:05 am

Yesterday (Saturday) was my first S DAY since starting No S again.

B - Spinach & mushroom pastries
L - Beetroot & walnut salad, feta & spinach triangles, corn cakes, hummus
D - Breaded cod, asparagus, mashed potato

Snacks - 1 slice cheese, prawn crackers, hummus, mashed potato
Sweets - 4-5 chocolates after dinner
Seconds - None

Definitely too much food. I didn't binge, but I did pick at food throughout the day (was at home all day which didn't help). At the end of the day I felt too full and realised I hadn't actually enjoy the snacking or sweets.

I'm tempted to do something more strict after the excess of yesterday, but I know it's too soon to give up on this. I'm just going to try and learn from yesterday.

Today is another S day. I'm planning to stick to three meals and have a snack or sweet if I really want one (not pick at food all day just because I can).

Strawberry Roan · Post by **Strawberry Roan** » Mon Oct 27, 2014 1:27 am

I just wanted to say that I have read all your posts and trust me

you are good enough.

Good enough to treat your body with the kindness and dignity it deserves. You can do this, I know you can.

Kookie · Post by **Kookie** » Wed Oct 29, 2014 4:06 pm

Hey good enough!

Sounds like you're doing really well. And it is early days so I'm sure your S days will calm down....

Well done you!

MerryKat · Post by **MerryKat** » Thu Oct 30, 2014 11:20 am

Oh my darling!! That first post made my heart so sore for you!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I wish I could give you those hugs in person!

It is good you got all those feelings out and from now on No S sanity will prevail. And yes there will be days when you slip but you know what as long as you are moving forward one meal at a time the slips eventually become no longer important!

Remember to let S days be S days so that you can succeed with N Days.

You are doing fabulously well even with a work drinks event which can be so hard!!

You are DEFINITELY good enough and a very special person from what I can see!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))