Pangelsue's check in (back to try again)

[Junebug95]

I am very impressed with your ability to not eat badly with the stress you're feeling for your daughter. I have 4 kids 11, 9, 5, and 20 months and not eating when the 5 year old has been throwing tantrums all day is a big breakthrough for me this week on No-S!

I am very encouraged by your posts
Have a wonderful weekend!

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks, Dmarie and Junebug. I think this whole board is very encouraging for us all. Many times I just wander around and peek into people's posts and get inspired.
The weekend went well. Had fun at the BBQ. They made a pork roast which was very tender and flavorful. Had a treat at the Farmer's market in the morning which was everything I could have wanted in a treat. Then had a small sundae at the BBQ. Very nice. Sunday was an N day. Went to see the new X men movie and it was good. Went out for burgers after. It was a gorgeous day here. Hated to see it end. It is supposed to rain like crazy here today but so far just cloudy.

[tobiasmom]

Sounds like a WONDERFUL weekend!

[Grammy G]

Are you happy with your floating S days? I sure am! I am stealing Noel's idea (she says she stole it from Wosnes) of S days and s days.. with the sday being what we have 2 of each week and the Sday being a real celebration. I thinks that is what I do now anyway..just a snack or two on a weeklysday...and save the real 'blow-out" for those very special celebrations that happen once-in-a-blue-moon (I just wrote "mood" instead of moon...that would be nice but I don't think appropriate for those of us trying to keep feelings and food separate!
Sounds like a nice week end..I wish you many more!

[kccc]

Sounds as if you're doing well!

Best wishes to your daughter. It's a hard time to be entering the job market.

[Pangelsue2]

Yesterday was a good day. I thought I would be snacking before supper because my husband went shopping after work and I thought supper might run really late. I had been hungry all afternoon so I was worried, I'd cave. I asked him not to dawdle at the hardware store and to call me when he left the store so I would know when to start the supper. Then, I made a cup of tea and read. It worked. I was hungry the whole time but it was possible to wait the additional hour or so to eat.
We don't have special midweek S days planned this week so I might just do Saturday and Sunday as S days. And, I might not. It is interesting that having the last two weeks with Wednesday and Saturday being S days, helped curb the all out frenzy of the weekend. Both S days were more controlled because they were spread out. I will have to give that more thought. It might be that by making one S day mid week, there is not such a long stretch until the weekend. Or maybe some weeks will work better with spread out S days and some will be better with Friday, Saturday and some better with Saturday, Sunday. Who knows? I will find out, I'm sure. Or maybe, it is just the freedom of taking 2 days a week but when I want them, that makes me feel less desperate and controlled from the outside that makes it easier to be good to myself and not overdo. I read recently on Grahem's thread that he felt that by not wanting to conform to society's rules, he sometimes made poor life decisions out of a need to be rebellious. I don't know if I interpreted him correctly but it struck a cord with me. I do tend to shoot myself in the foot sometimes when I purposely don't do something because someone tells me I have to. That possibly means, I am on the right track here creating a plan I devised and am willing to live with.

[oolala53]

I sometimes wonder if I've glommed onto N S too tightly, but I've decided my ability to make random good decisions about food has been so compromised over the years that I'm willing to stick to this and assume I am continuing to heal. I imagine a year from now I could deviate once in awhile on N days and not have failures turn into slippery slopes, but a sense that I'm just not ready for that now has kept me in check several times over the last few weeks. For one thing, I have few real reasons to need to deviate anyway. I have control over much of my time in the summer, and my work hours lend themselves to No S, too. Nor does my social life interfere, boohoo.

I know there was someone else who did what she called Chocolate No S. She also ate a dessert on Wednesdays, and I think it was a substantial part of one meal that day. I don't know what happened to her, though.

I still have all this on my mind a lot, though it doesn't feel like suffering, as it used to. It still interests me a great deal, even more than my work. I wonder if that is part of an obsession or a legitimate interest. Guess it doesn't matter, actually.

[Grammy G]

Oh Sue2, I also cannot stand to be thrown into a "group" which is very good and very bad! I agree that No S is a good thing for people like us who must do it their way. And you know..I always liked purple and red together and am angry that the "Hattters" have taken those colors as their symbol. Have you read the poem, "When I am Old I will Wear Purple"? Maybe it is about us?

[Pangelsue2]

I will definitely be one of those wearing purple but not the red hats. A little to organized for me. I hang around the fringes of clubs my husband belongs to. Then I can be a part of it when I want to and not when I'm not. Best of both worlds.
On track day today. Possibly ate a few too many pita chips right before supper while we were gabbing but I think they would have fit on my supper plate. This is the second night for a handful of chips pre-supper and I choose to make it the last. Getting to be a little to S dayish. 2 days in a row has added a thin coat of ice to that slope. Zip, and I could fall on my assets.

[oolala53]

Good call.

[oolala53]

I'm assuming you understood the spirit in which the "weird" statement was made. I should have added, and so am I! I call myself the fringe element, though the real fringe makes me look pretty tame. But see? Where did you say you hang around your husband's clubs? We have found our tribe! It seems a shame that it takes such unusual people to fall in love with such a basically mundane way of eating. We wait until mealtime to eat? How exotic!

[Strawberry Roan]

oolala,

Very interesting observations you made several posts above (not that they all aren't )

I think that No S can be just as obsessive a "diet" as any of the crazy cabbage soup things - just a different form of madness. The only thing I have really gained from it is this wonderful bulletin board and the accountability of posting honestly in my daily journal. No S in itself could mean, if one chose to treat it that way, three heaping plates of unhealthy food a day with wild abandonment on the weekends and special days. No one would lose weight or gain knowledge living that way.

Of course, Reinhard wants people to learn to eat three balanced meals, limit their snacks and sweets and exercise. But as someone said, if a person really were inclined to do that, they wouldn't need to be here.

[Pangelsue2]

Whoppee! I finally can post again. We are redoing the floors in our bedroom and computer room. We had to dismantle everything including the computer. We are using the laptap (not my favorite thing because the screen is small). I had to get a new password because I couldn't remember my old one. Then I deleted the email for the new one. Yikes. Finally all set though.
Oolala, I love being a little weird. No problem there. You say you are a little weird too, so I guess we just recognized it in each other. LOL.

Strawberry, I couldn't agree with you more. I think it is easy to get obsessed here as well as on any other diet. In fact, that is what took me away from here the last couple of times. I was making it way too hard.
That said, because we were working on the painting, pulling up carpet, taking apart rooms etc. since last Thursday, meals have been kind of catch as catch can. Some days I did really OK and some were iffy. Things being in a mess and junk everywhere drives me crazy. I mean really crazy. I feel like someone has stolen my reality. I know, really anal, right? Anyway, I think I will be on shaky ground until it is all put back together sometime this weekend. In the meantime, DH is a little grouchy, I am a little out of my element and I will do the best I can with the No Sing but will be forgiving if I screw up. I have every intention of doing my best as Grammy would say, no more, no less.
This is like the 3rd time I have bumped a wrong button and sent some unexpected message to the gerbil inside this laptop so i will sign off for now. I hope to have my "real" computer back on Friday. Just hit the wrong button again and almost lost the whole message. Goodbye for now.

[tobiasmom]

I'm a creature of habit myself. So I totally get not feeling so hot with things all out of whack! It's temporary; right? Things are finally getting back to normal here in our new house. No remodel projects anytime soon! ha.

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks, T's Mom. I am glad I am not the only one who doesn't like the chaos change brings.

I need a reality check on my plan. Lots of hinky stuff sneaking in.

3 plates of food (salad in a separate bowl is a second plate. It should fit on the plate. Slice of bread with the meal should fit on the plate. It is doesn't, it would have to be on second plate.)

No snacks (that means no "virtual plated" snacks that would have presumably fit on the plate and no clean up supper nibbling. These are snacks plain and simple. Also, telling myself that I di8dn't eat enough for lunch and I need something to tide me over is an excuse to eat. Am I honestly in danger of fainting from lack of nourishment? Nothing but an excuse to eat.)

No seconds (again, clean up nibbling is snacking or seconds depending on how large they are)

No sugar (this is the only exception I am still allowing because it has made a real difference in my weekend binging. But, the tiny treat of chocolate or one small cookie has recently become much more dessert like. Measured, small, under 100 calories and only at the end of a successful day needs to be reestablished.)

I will choose 2 S days a week as best fits my week's plan. They should not be chosen because the day is already a loss. That is a setback, not an S day. Calling it an S day is an excuse to tell myself I didn't go off plan.
Self deception is not helpful. It is dumb. I know what really happened and I don't believe the the excuse anyway.

To this basic plan, I am adding that the excuses have to stop. I want to remember the following:
KCCC: If it is not about hunger, it is not about food.
Oolala: Until the excuses stop, nothing will change
Grammy: When the little voice to go off plan calls, hang up the phone
And finally KCCC: When I stay on plan, it is great to bask in my own virtue. I love that feeling of success. When I have a successful day or when I successfully make my way through a tough day, I feel awesome the whole next day. If I deny myself that feeling, I am being self destructive. I am telling myself I am going to eat this thing even though it will make me feel bad about myself and be a detriment to my health.
Excuses, excuses, excuses. I will no longer excuse excuses.

Now on to a new day back on plan.

[kccc]

Looks like a lot of us are "re-booting" as we deal with holidays and the chaos of our lives!

"Success is fall down seven times, getting up eight." So nice to have this wonderful group that always offers a hand up.

Hang in there. The chaos will end (or take another form, lol!). In the meantime, accept that this is the current shape of your life and find reasons to smile anyway.

[tobiasmom]

We're all in this together! Just wanted to give you a little encouragement! You sure encourage me. Just thought you should you know!

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks for the support. I really need it right now.
Busy, busy day yesterday. The house was in total chaos all day. My daughter and I went grocery shopping and my husband stayed at home with the floor installers. I had decided to make yesterday an S day so there wouldn't be a problem if meals were messed up. My daughter and I went out for lunch to a pizza place and when we got back to my house, it looked like the workman would be going late. I totally was not going to make supper. Partly because our queen sized bed was in the kitchen!! Made working in that room not an option. My husband picked up fast food which was cold, greasy and disgusting but we ate it anyway. We were too tired to make other arrangements. Should have had cereal. Also ate too many treats. Overtired and kept trying to get energized to reassemble the bedroom before we had to take my daughter back home. Glad I made it an S day. It will be a couple more days before life settles back to normal so I knew I had to come up with a plan for today being an N day. So far so good. I also took the time today to totally clean the sun room. No sawdust, clean everything. We have agreed we will use that room only when we have showered for the day and want a haven that feels like home. Since we will still be clean in the morning, we can also have breakfast there. I am really glad I did that. I just took my shower and sat down to enjoy the back yard and write to you all and had my first real Ahhhhh of the day. The days will pass and life will return to normal. (And as KCCC said, this chaos will be replaced by different chaos. Goodnight all and have a good weekend.

[NoSRocks]

Hi Sue! Thinking of you right now and how you must be feeling! I, too am one of those creatures of habit who doesn't conform to change very well. I remember as a kid, my mom would rearrange my bedroom from time to time "Just to change it up a little" and it would take me an age to get used to it..... by that time, she was changing it up AGAIN! LOL!!

Sounds like you're doing great, though despite the upheaval at the moment. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, one of the many advantages of the wonderful No S plan is we don't have to stick to special or specific foods. I kinda remembered that yesterday when I was thinking about buying some fat free sorbet for dessert ..... feeling a bit depressed about it at that.... then in a second, I cheered right up as I remembered I was back on the No S trail again so there's no need for Fat Free anything unless I really, really wanted it of course !!

[Strawberry Roan]

What a great idea to make the sunroom a clean santuary. I have done that before when moving, even if the entire house is in chaos, I will totally do one bedroom, down to the bedding and decorative pillows, even a candle and some magazines and radio by the bed. Then there is always a place to escape to and relax a bit.

Sounds like you are doing great under the circumstances and your home will be lovely when it is finished.

Did you see that horrible dust storm even in Phoenix, covering EVERYTHING inside and out. I would have gone insane cleaning and my husband would have been worse than me.

Enjoy your breakfast.

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks, guys for all the support. The madhouse is finally calming down. Saturday and Sunday were big eating setback days though. I think I am just running out of steam and working too hard. Those 2 days are now in the past however and today will be an N day. That is the plan. This last week and half has shown me that I need to work on stress eating. I find it very easy to talk myself into eating frenzies when I am stressing. I let myself think everything is out of control anyway so I might as well just give in to it. Subversive thinking. I need more decisions like the haven room that make calm out of stress instead of giving myself an excuse to eat with abandon.

[Joyofsix]

Creating a calm haven is brilliant. Hugs to you. I hope the stress level comes down for you.

[kccc]

Thanks, guys for all the support. The madhouse is finally calming down. Saturday and Sunday were big eating setback days though. I think I am just running out of steam and working too hard. Those 2 days are now in the past however and today will be an N day. That is the plan. This last week and half has shown me that I need to work on stress eating. I find it very easy to talk myself into eating frenzies when I am stressing. I let myself think everything is out of control anyway so I might as well just give in to it. Subversive thinking. I need more decisions like the haven room that make calm out of stress instead of giving myself an excuse to eat with abandon.

I think the "haven room" is brilliant! Keep the problem-solving coming, and you won't stress!

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks guys. Today was sort of the last phase I am involved in for this project. I handle the budget and a number of things had to be charged. All the bills are in and I was figuring out how much we went over budget. Actually, it was more than I expected (shocking) but less than I was worried it would be. That is a relief. It looks really nice and if I knew how to attach pictures, I would. I will talk to my daughter and see if she can teach me.
Yesterday was a success and so is today so far.

[Pangelsue2]

Tuesday was a success. My daughter has invited us to supper tonight so I don't have to cook. Yay! She is a good cook. I am looking forward to it. I am so proud of her. She is dealing with so much stuff in her life right now but she is handling it like a champ. She is staying on her healthy diet and exercise that helped her lose 60 pounds last year. She has not lost a lot of additional weight but considering the stress levels she is living with unemployed and without a car, she is managing to still lose about a half pound a week. This practice of living day to day and only worrying about that day, is totally foreign to her previous history. It must be taking a great deal of effort to put this plan of staying in control in practice. I could take a lesson from her on dealing with stress. In fact, I will definitely talk to her about that. It may help me the next time I deal with stress like I have been lately and it might make her feel empowered. I really like that thought. Glad I had it. This forum does so much for us all. As we write, we learn.

[tobiasmom]

Oh, I hope you have a wonderful dinner tonight with your daughter. I cannot wait til T can cook me dinner! ha. That's gonna be a while......

Yay for a successful Tuesday! Keep it up.

[Grammy G]

sorry I wasn't here to lend encouragement when you needed it most! I thought I was the only one who needed a "clean haven" when remodeling was in progress. I remember coming home from a day of teaching when we were in the middle of a project to find hubby varnishing a board in the middle of my "haven".. I am sorry to say I probably taught the construction workers some new words that afternoon! To say I was upset is an understatement! I will say nobody ever messed with that space again!
I am so glad to hear your daughter is doing so well! I'm sure she would love to know how much you think she has grown and how much you enjoy spending time with her and love her cooking. Sounds like both of you are on the right track.
I am in the process of pulling myself up by my boot straps too! Today is THE day for me. I know we have our heads on pretty straight so we should be fine!

[kccc]

Good for you, and good for your daughter! Enjoy your time together.

I agree with you about learning-through-writing. That's one reason why I stay here.

[Strawberry Roan]

Glad you have made it to the end of the remodeling process. Now relax and enjoy it, well after you pay the bills

Enjoy your evening with your daughter, she sounds lovely.

[NoSRocks]

Yeah, I'm with grammy sorry about that!

However, I hope you had a great time out with your daughter and many congratulations and KUDOS to her for losing a tremendous amount of weight in such a short time! Absolutely fantastic! You say she continues to lose around 1/2 lb a week... well I think that is wonderful. At this stage, I'm just toing and froing with the same 5 lbs week after week, on top of the extra 20 or so I still have to lose! But enough about me....!

Have a wonderful no S week hon and all the best to you and yours!!

[Joyofsix]

Enjoy your evening with your dd. And a big pat on the back to both of you.

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks for all the support people. I love it.

Had to postpone the dinner with my daughter at her request. She has about 6 payments left on her current car. It is not running however and she presumed it was the transmission and that the car was not worth fixing. A friend stopped by her house on Tuesday and did some checking and got it started. He told her he didn't think it was the transmission and it could be something much simpler. While it was running, she drove it to our mechanic. He told her he'd do a complete diagnostic on it but it probably wouldn't be until Thursday. Then he called her Wednesday morning and said he squeezed the tests in and it was the catalytic converter and air filter. There were other issues but he felt if she fixed the major one, the car could last until she had it paid off and possibly beyond. We really trust this guy so it was very good news. I had offered her $500 for a junker and as luck would have it, the repairs cost $600 so we decided to go for it. She was soooo happy to have transportation again and we were happy to be able to help. Now, Lord willing, she will find a job and her life can move forward.
Anyway, we are going to reschedule the dinner. This was far better. As all you parents out there know, seeing that smile on her face all day and the look of relief, was priceless.

Yesterday was a success. Because we were feeling celebratory, it was tempting to turn it into an S day but I didn't. I think it was partly because I read something really neat yesterday and it stuck with me throughout the day. Here is is:

You learn wisdom from failure
much more than from success.
We often find out what will do
from finding out what will not do
and probably he who never made a mistake,
never made a discovery.

On to Thursday.

[Pangelsue2]

I was debating making yesterday an S day because the DH and I were going to be out and about and stopping for lunch. Some free samples at a fun place we visited decided it for me. All in all it was a controlled S day. I seem to be having a "few" more of those lately. When I am thinking about eating just because I can, more and more, I am asking myself why. Doesn't always work (like 4th of July weekend) but it is starting to be part of my S days. I went back to the diet and found an entry by Reinhard about S days because I know he never intended for them to be frenzied. Annotated, here is what I want to take with me going forward:
From Reinhard:

"Reading "once" for "sometimes" (at least as a guideline) seems not only a reasonable, but now also a tested alternative... Obviously you don't have to do this, but it wouldn't be crazy to consider it if you find yourself dissatisfied with the way your S-days are currently working out...

Another tactic that's been tossed around is to pre-empt S-day binging with reward. This sounds counter intuitive, but I've found that if you proactively get yourself something especially nice every S-day, your appetite will feel appreciated, and will be much less likely to exact revenge by demanding whatever garbage is at hand. Binging is more about self-revenge than pleasure -- pleasure can actually be a tool against it. And, well, it's pleasure. I'm very fond of this tactic."

I especially love thinking that binging is about self revenge. It is so true. I feel awful about binging because it is me getting even with myself for all the things I passed up all week. It messes with my goals and is still really self destructive behavior. It means I still haven't given up the old habits. I am just relegating them to a couple of days a week and boy, am I going to make those days pay for what the rest of the week made me do. Very Jeckle and Hyde. Does that mean there will never be another large S day, no, but I want to work toward saner S days. I want to get rid of the feeling that the S day is almost over and I better hurry up and eat something else before I miss my chance.
I want N and S days to meet somewhere in the middle. I want to stop just nail biting-ly surviving N days and instead embrace them as the status quo and I want to control S days so they feel like N days with breathing room. I often compare eating with smoking. The way I treat S and N days now would be like not smoking Monday through Friday and then chain smoking 7 packs on Saturday and Sunday. With that comparison in mind, I am choosing today as my other S day because we are going out with friends tonight. We will have wine and snacks at their place and then dinner at a Thai restaurant.
Have a good weekend everyone.

[tobiasmom]

I've been dabbling with the sometimes=ONCE for the past two weekends. This is all a big learning process; right?? Hope you have a wonderful day today...........and an even better weekend!

[kccc]

Sue, I like your analysis of S-days... resonates with me too.

[oolala53]

Got a little caught up. So glad for your daughter about her car! I have been in some tough times in my life. I am so grateful that my parents did help out when they did, though it was always for things that would allow me to make progress. They offered more than I accepted and I'm glad for that, too. I finally got on my financial feet and could have helped them a lot before they passed on, if they had needed it. That was a good feeling.

[Grammy G]

Wow! Once again, we are on the same page with the same problems looming over us! You have gone the extra step though and done your research..from which I will also benefit! That Binging/Self-revenge connection is something I need to think about too!
Our kids are always our kids, no matter how old they are! We too walk have had to walk that fine line between "helping" and "enabling" .. it isn't easy! Glad this situation seems to have resolved itself with dd taking charge and getting things done. That is the behavior we all, as parents, hope to see!
Hope you are enjoying your remodeling!
What's next?

[Pangelsue2]

Glad to hear I am not the only one working on S days until the are a little more under my control. Also glad for the support and feedback regarding DD. As a parent that thin line between helping/enabling and interfering gets so blurry that where we are on the line is sometimes not apparent until a mistake has been made.

Saturday and Sunday were supposed to be N days. Tried to have friends over on Saturday and stay N but didn't make it. Not horribly S but still S. Mark it and move on. Sunday was N. We went to an art fair early in the morning because it was supposed to reach double digits by noon. I packed the coffeepot and we sat in the park and had a scone and coffee. Really delightful. Then we talked to a few people we met at the fair. We saw lots of really beautiful stuff but just looked, didn't buy. I am still enjoying my down sized closets too much to start filling them again. (At least for now).

Weighed myself for the first time since the remodel and lost 1.7. That makes 13.8 since I retired a little over a year ago. Not exactly stellar for a whole year but over half of that time was spent just maintaining. 4.2 of it has been lost since coming back to No S the first week in May so essentially have averaged about a half pound a week. Considering I don't exercise much, that is OK with me. It would mean 26 pounds a year. I will gladly take that loss. At my present weight of 203.2, I also only have 3.3 to go to be under 200 for the first time in many years. That is now a goal I would like to reach by September. I don't normally set goals because I am great for getting all reactionary if I don't reach it. But it is doable by September and it will be a real milestone for me. I was going to say wish me luck but as Mae West said, luck has nothing to do with it. Wish me good decisions and focus.

[Grammy G]

sister Sue..good for you! I really do believe a slow weight loss is the only way to go! Just think if you gained instead of losing...what a bummer that would be! Instead, you can celebrate your change in attitude and keep those numbers on the scale going down! Here is something I read yesterday and have been pondering and think you will want to ponder to: Set intentions, not goals and let go of the outcomes. (this was from an article quoting the book "How We Choose to be Happy") So..I am going to try to think along the lines of: my intentions are to eat three healthy meals a day and exercise for 30 minutes 5 days a week. This is still a fresh idea for me but..I believe you and I think along the same lines and find the same strategies helpful. Whadda ya think? I'm going to "think and write" more in my thread ..
FYI, the other items listed were: Be appreciative; give of Yourself; Tell the Truth; Live Passionately. Sounds good to me!

[Pangelsue2]

It all sounds great. I just finished posting on your thread that I want to change my goal to be under 200 by September to an INTENTION to be there by September. I'm retired. I don't like orders, even from myself. LOL. So I intend to get there. I will let the outcome manage itself and will do all in my power to eat well and enjoy the ride. Life is too short for strict rules in everything we do. Intentions. I like it.

[r.jean]

Small goals are definitely the way to go. Good luck! We will all get there eventually.

My minimum goal each month is to maintain my current weight. My minimum exercise goal is 30 minutes a day with one day off a week if needed. As long as I meet my minimums, I am happy. I never thought that being so relaxed about it would translate into more success than I ever hoped for.

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks, Rjean. I like your very relaxed attitude. I alternate between relaxed and uptight but then, that is sort of the way my whole life works. Haha.

Yesterday was good with hinkiness on the small dessert. Got too large so the day was still a setback not a success. I am struggling lately but have been very anxious. Part of it is that my dizziness has been acting up again and I feel very tied to sitting, reading and TV. I am worried it isn't totally going away this time. Doctors say be patient and that it can take days, months or sometimes years and yes, sometimes it doesn't go away completely ever. It can also return full blown at any time so days like this last week are maddeningly tense. That is both anxiety producing and depressing. Working a lot at keeping my mood up and am therefore doing some mood eating. Normally, the diet would go out the window at this point so the fact that I am only going over into S-ing a little bit is progress. But I still would like to exclude that as a method of dealing with stress and mood. Especially since, this could go on for a while.

So, I have gone back to meditating for the millionth time. It feels so good I don't know why I always stop when I start feeling better. I am also doing small tasks that don't involve bending over or lots of position changes because accomplishing something makes me feel more empowered. Finally, the weather here in Wisconsin has been in the 90's with 70-80% humidity and that also messes with my inner ear so I am stuck indoors. Blechhhh! So the goal at this point is once again patiently enduring, hoping it goes away and accepting that which I can not change. Really sucks.

Staying on plan is also empowering though and that I can do so my intention for the day is to meditate, try to relax and have a good strong N day. I just finished a book this morning and the ending line was "so I decided I had to either drop dead or keep walking." Pretty much sums it up.

[kccc]

Small goals are definitely the way to go. [...] I never thought that being so relaxed about it would translate into more success than I ever hoped for.

What a powerful quote - and a real truth!

[oolala53]

Just keep saying to yourself, "I don't eat X during the week." Whatever your biggest issue is: snacks, sweets, seconds. In a way, it's funny to me that it even occurs to me to have a snack during the day because it has been so long since I've eaten snacks, but occasionally it will. I'll think, "Oh, I don't do that." And I feel perfectly okay about it. It's just how I eat on weekdays. The others are pretty much a given, too. I wish I could say that with the sweets it was because I don't even want them, but it's mostly because it just seems too dangerous. I still don't believe I'd stay with a small amount I guess because I don't always stay with a small amount on weekends.

[Pangelsue2]

Not doing so well the last couple of days. I am feeling blue and anxious but the old comfort foods are just making me feel worse. They aren't working anymore but I have nothing to replace them with yet that feels familiar. I am constantly bouncing back and forth all day long between feeling sorry for myself and telling myself to cheer up and get moving. I hate feeling like this and I know it will eventually end but for right now it is an effort to stay positive. So I am going to read other people's posts for a couple of days and come back when I have worked through this funk.

[r.jean]

Sounds like you are replacing comfort foods with comforting words. Sounds like a good plan.

[Grammy G]

Oh Sue..what a shame! I had a "dizzy spell" that only lasted one day and I immediately thought of you and a friend who had that problem off and on for at least a year (I will e-mail her and find out what finally helped and past the info on) Until I experienced it, I didn't fully realize how the much (everything!!) of daily life could be affected. I think your idea of meditation is great! Remember to be as kind and gentle with yourself as you would be with a loved one in your boat. Accept all help that is offered and don't push yourself to do too much. Nothing matters right now but your well-being.
I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

[tobiasmom]

I wish I could be more encouraging, but I'm in a funk too. Maybe we can de-funk together!!!! All we can do is TRY each and every day. It's when we quit that we're really in trouble.

Thank goodness there's so many people on this board that are NOT in a funk, huh?! This is an awesome board.

[mimi]

Comforting words have sooooo many less calories than comforting foods...great choice Pangelsue 2!
Thinking about you all and hope today is a better day!

Mimi

[kccc]

I think you're VERY wise to recognize that eating doesn't solve problems, it just adds to them. Give yourself credit on that one.

Hang in there.

Sending hugs and best wishes... and hopes that you find something else that comforts you. (A hobby/calling a friend/bubblebath/flowers.... something.)

[Pangelsue2]

Still occasionally browsing. Having health issues I don't as yet have answers for. Whether or not they are dire is still in the air.

[Strawberry Roan]

Well, I will certainly send up a prayer that they are not dire... Take care of yourself.

[NoSRocks]

Take care, Pangelsue! Hope you're feeling better soon !

[thtrchic]

I'm hoping for the best and thinking of you.

Hang in there!
julie

[Pangelsue2]

Hi all,
Well, it has been a life changing month. Good and bad news. I will start with the bad news. I have chronic lymphocitic lymphoma. The better news is that it is early stage and I won't need chemo. I also need to see the oncologist only every 6 months. I also don't have active cancer anywhere else in my body. Lots of prayers, tears, nail biting, waiting for tests, biopsies and results but I am now ready to move forward.
I have only one request and it comes from the bottom of my heart and hypochondriacal soul.

PLEASE... do not tell me good or bad tales of your uncle, mother etc.who had this. Don't tell me of tests I should insist on or things to watch for.

I have a great doctor and I am trusting in her and the many, many tests she ran. I have had a couple of people launch into tales and it made me nervous and scared. My husband has this exact same cancer and he has been cancer free for 16 years due in part I think to our organic lifestyle. I am hoping and praying to follow in his footsteps. I am ready to move on changed but hopeful.

I discovered some things along the way. My daughter is a kind, caring and loving person who would do anything for us. My husband is a kind, caring, loving person who is a good listener and a great support. I have loving and really, really caring friends and family. I also have a great giant panda teddy bear who has been with me for years and has once again proved himself invaluable in my life.

One more thing I learned. It was amazing how quickly my diet became important and also meaningless. I care so much more now about what I am eating. But I am no longer obsessing about my diet, weight and motivations for eating. Trees are greener, flowers are prettier, laughing feels great, a day without tests or tests results in it feels like a treasure beyond compare. I promise I will stop waxing poetic from this point on but I want to go on record to say: We should all aim to eat healthy and then get on with the real business of life. Leave people who make us feel bad behind, hang out more with the people who make us feel better about ourselves and worry far, far less about the little stuff.

I have been following some of your blogs and I congratulate all of you on staying on track as much as possible and moving on when you slip. I felt sorry for IDK's bees, Oolala's labyrinthitis and nasty relationship. I applaud T'mom on hanging in there when things get rough with family. Grammy and I are always on the same page and I agree with her recent post about spending less time on line. NSRocks as always is supportive and helping to keep everyone hanging in there. The above comments are some of many I read. I have missed you all.
Like Grammy, I will probably be here less than I was before because I am going to try to enjoy my life more and review it less.

Today is a good day. Best in quite a while.

[NoSRocks]

Pangelsue! Glad to "see" you are back!! I was wondering how you were doing. However, I'm so very sorry to hear of your health challenges and just want to let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing you all the very best at this time.

Take care, Again - great to see you are back.

All the very best, love from Roxy xx

[dmarie710]

pangelsue2, really glad to see you on the board. Sounds like this has been a life changing month for you. Your words of wisdom truly spoke to me, however I'm sorry for these heath issues your going through. What a great time to treasure the things that alot of us (me) take for granted. None of us know when we may come against something scary like this. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[kccc]

Sending best wishes...and absorbing your very deep wisdom.

Reminds me of this. (I love Storypeople.) You sound as if you are taking in every minute of your life, and savoring it. Wonderful. And a reminder for the rest of us.

Thank you for letting us know what's going on with you.

[Who Me?]

All of your (as-yet-unmet) friends here in No S-ville are wishing you the very best.

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and I am getting really inspired by it. Anyone read it?

I weighed myself this morning and I have neither lost nor gained during the last month.
I weigh about 203 pounds and I would like to lose about about 25 pounds. That amount seems daunting since it has taken me over a year to lose 13 so I want to break it up into smaller amounts. I will set a goal of 5 pounds by November 2nd. That is a half a pound a week and it will bring me under 200 for the first time in a very long time. It seems doable. I am now eating healthier (more vegetables and fruit, whole grains, less meat and almost no sugar) so that should help the cause without putting too much strain on my brain which is still alternating between being calm and accepting of my new reality and making my days messy with useless worry. Baby steps.
I am aiming at eating 4 meals a day. I will have a snack mid afternoon because the time between lunch and supper has always been my downfall. It is a long stretch because we rarely eat before 6 or 6:30 and for me that means 6-7 hours from lunch to supper. I get shaky, depressed and anxious. I am hoping a snack and a break will counteract that.
I have been having fruit with a quick spray of canned whipping cream or 2 gingersnaps after supper because I am a dinner-must-end-with-a-treat freak. Because I am doing that, there will be no S day blowouts. Because I have all but dropped the sugar, I think that will be easier. I will use the weekends to indulge in popcorn, chips, or peanuts. Those are real attractive foods for me.
So:
5 lbs by November 2nd
4 meals a day
Very small sweet treat after dinner
Much smaller S days.

I hope to maintain this pattern until November 2nd without messing with it or changing it around. I would like to just eat and then find other things to fill my time. Less obsession, more passion.

The day beckons with beauty and excitement.

[determined]

Pangelsue2
Thanks so much for being open to sharing your current health situation. I appreciate your willingness to let us know. You're absolutely right, eating to be healthy is important, but this is such a good reminder that our lives are so much bigger than an eating plan.

Hugs & prayers to you...

janie

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks for the warm thoughts. Nice to meet you.


Wow, getting back in the saddle is harder than I thought it was going to be. Haven't really stuck to much of the plan so far. When my daughter was little and I told her to do something she didn't want to do, she knew better than to say no so she would just say "I can't want to". That is sort of how the last couple of days have gone. I just can't want to follow the rules I set up. I haven't gorged or had a complete eating meltdown or anything. In fact, I ate healthy stuff. Just too often and sometimes too much good stuff. How much good stuff can you eat before it becomes bad stuff? Haha. So the weekend is upon me and we are going out tonight for the first time in a long time so I am using these 3 days to refocus.

I have been off and on sick or unable to do much since October of last year. (Shingles, ruptured disc, inner ear dizziness issues 4 times since January and dealing with cancer for the last month). I no longer remember what I enjoyed doing before that time and since that time, I have been doing what little I could like reading, watching TV, cooking and being with friends and family when I could. I am proud that during all that time I have managed to keep the eating under control enough that I didn't gain any weight. First time I really realized that. Lot of the time I didn't care about anything at all and felt depressed and hopeless but I hung in there. Yay for me!! I am really proud of that. That positive thought is going to be the springboard for the future.

Any plan I adopt can't be a plan that is based on denying myself more stuff. I hope I have given up all that I will have to for a long while. It needs to be something I am willingly and happily moving toward. Something that I will look forward to.

Part of it will have to include changing my attitude to match what I have believed and read about for a long time. Healthy tastes good and can make me feel a lot better. I have believed that for a long time but looked at it as deprivation of all I love. I want to work toward an attitude like Strawberry's. I love the way she sees the beauty in her new eating habits. She makes you want to eat the way she eats because she makes it sound so attractive. Who me does the same thing. So does KCCC and in her case with Zen like peace. Oolala never stops growing and examining her inner self. Grammy's humor and love. T's mom and NoSrocks juggle their emotions and their eating and put themselves out there over and over again showing the rest of us we can do it too. Part of it will also include many of the other things I have learned here from all of you at one time or another. Patience, humor, introspection, forgiveness, peace and much more.

So I will use the weekend to decide Sue's positive future plan for health, wellness and enjoyment. Done with diets that deny me enjoying my life to the fullest. I want to feel I am following my dream and living the life I have chosen.
See you back here on Monday.

[Strawberry Roan]

Aww, sweetie, you sure have had a lot to deal with.

I am blessed that although my husband is battling a serious health issue, knock on wood, I am not. I did feel totally out of control when he was so ill and that is when I started concentrating on what I could control, eating better and exercising more. It has not only helped me but his eating habits have also improved greatly (he ASKS me if he can have a veggie burger or some faux chicken nuggets, oops I mean chik'n.. )

You are putting all the pieces of this puzzle together, hopefully years and years earlier than I did.

You'll be fine. Trust me, I can just feel it. I want you to treat yourself well, you deserve it. I want you to make a platter of food, any fresh vegetables and fruits that you enjoy - slice them up all pretty, maybe a cube or two of cheese, a boiled egg sliced into quarters, sprinkle it all with red wine vinegar (yes, even the fruit) and savor each bite. Add some pretzels or whole grain crackers or rye crisps for crunch. Enjoy it all , look at all the different colors and textures and shapes and realize that you have gotten a lot of food, lots of vitamins, fiber protein - yet fewer calories and better nutrition than a piece of cake or a few cookies.

Maybe tomorrow you will choose the cake, or cookies. It's all good stuff !!

Bless you.

[NoSRocks]

Bless you also from me, Pangelsue. Thanks so much for your nice words.

Take care and have a good weekend,

((((((((hugs)))))))))

NoSRocks xx

[tobiasmom]

Just want you to know I'm thinking about ya!

[Who Me?]

Hope you have a great weekend!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: listen to your good friend Strawberry. The Berry is wise.

It's a very easy pleasant jump from "grumblegrumblegrumble...All I'm eating is rabbit food" to "I've just made a beautiful tasty healthy meal that would cost big bucks if I ordered it in a restaurant. I rock, and am treating myself well."

In fact, most of that difference is mental. The food might be the same, but one has to take the time to savor and appreciate.

When things were the worst in my life, I made a HUGE effort to enjoy the little stuff.

[milliem]

Just wanted to stop by and give you a virtual *hug*

Well done for maintaining during the last month! It sounds like your new NoS 'rules' are pretty sensible for you, and that's what counts right? Healthy food can most certainly be absolutely delicious - a fresh piece of fish, perfectly cooked steak, fresh organic fruit, a just-grilled corn on the cob, home baked sweet potato.... I'm drooling as I type Might not all be the lowest calorie food but there's plenty out there you can choose to enjoy that's not over-processed, sugary or fattening!

Hope you're having a good weekend and enjoying the positive things in life

[kccc]

Sending VERY best wishes as well.

(Though I honestly laughed when you put me and "zen-like peace" in the same sentence. I aspire to that, can "see it from here" some days - and am terribly, terribly far off others. My nature is to be a bit perfectionist and worry-wart, so I'm just trying to take counter-measures!)

I totally agree with the "savoring" mentality. It takes practice, but it makes such a difference! During one very difficult period in my life, a wise person gave me the assignment to find "Five Good Things" in every day. They could be little. Oddly, when I looked, even the worst day had at least that many! In my journal, I always close with "Something I like" (anything that makes me happy, sometimes random stuff like a favorite kitchen tool!) and "Affirmations." Three constant affirmations that I use are:
- Recognize choice.
- Savor moments of beauty, joy, and connection.
- Celebrate accomplishments. Even small ones.

Hope that you will find a way to make choices that make you happy!

[Pangelsue2]

I love all of your responses. I feel good that I think I am already heading in the directions you are suggesting. I am 66 and a slow learner evidently because it took me so long to get here but I can't get here earlier than today so today is the first day of not dieting. Some words and ideas I am going to try not to use anymore:
DIET (loaded word implying denial for me for way too many years.)

Failure (hate how that word makes me feel about myself)

Yummy, scrumptious, incredible etc used to describe desserts, chips etc. (How helpful would it be for a drug addict or alcoholic to use words like that to describe their old habits. Many times describing a dessert with those words is flat out not true. I use those words to make it seem like it was irresistible and give myself an excuse for eating it when in truth, many times it was just OK and made me feel nauseous.)

Use truthful words to describe the great food I enjoy every day. (The flax muffins and tea the DH and I enjoyed yesterday while sitting in our garden enjoying an absolutely perfect day is something I can really describe as scrumptious and intoxicating. On Saturday, DH, DD and I packed a lunch (hummus wraps with lots of seasonal vegetables) and enjoyed them in a park before attending an outdoor art fair. Normally, we would have pigged out at all the booths, spent a fortune and had to fight the bees and crowds to get the food. The picnic is a memory I will have forever. Fabulous, incredible and intoxicating.)

So my plan is in flux but I have decided to start recording what I eat for a while. I also want to record what I accomplished during the day to show myself the arthritis/dizziness/age isn't holding me from as much as I think it is. I will also try for some movement every day. This will be hard for me because I have never enjoyed exercise and since the bouts of dizziness, too much movement sets off either panic or actual dizziness. I need to find out which. Maybe both??

I will meditate every day and record that here as well. As part of the exercise plan, I would like to get back into Qui Gong. 15 years ago we took a course and for several years we did the exercises almost every day. Then we got out of the habit. Might be a good starting place for some movement.

So I will "recognize choice", see my healthy food as attractive and delicious as it really is, be patient with myself where exercise is concerned and learn to look forward to and love the journey on all days of the week. No strict rules, just commitment to acting on the choices of things to eat with as much self love as possible.

[Pangelsue2]

Breakfast: bagel and peanut butter, coffee
Lunch: Corn and cauliflower soup from Rocco De Spirito's cookbook "Now eat this" Very tasty and creamy texture.
Mid afternoon: Flax muffin with a day's dose of flax. Quite good. I will make them again.
Snack before supper: should have skipped. Nervous ate some pita chips and hummus.
Supper: Again from Rocco's cookbook-mango salsa chicken. It was very good but I had to pick out some of the jalapeno. It was really hot. Served with great green beans from the farmer's market and a Mexican rice from the American Heart Association cookbook that was blah and I would not make again.
Small scoop of ice cream and about a half cup of raspberries. Very good and not on track but I am still finding my way. Just wanted to know how I felt about it.
Nervous munched some doritos after supper. Not a lot but were too salty and not very tasty. Again. I wanted to experience what I was craving. I was disappointed and I wouldn't do it again.

Activities: Not enough today. Picked some tomatoes and did some picking up around the house. I thought I was taking a day to relax but I think I was brooding instead.

Meditated and it was nice.
DH was in a mood tonight and I think so was I. We are still coming off the adrenalin of the last couple of weeks I think.

Will try for a day with less food and more activity in it tomorrow.

[snapdragon]

I just went back and read what you've been going through. I will pray for you and your family. I have been looking at food differently myself like you mentioned. how important nutrition is. I feel like I am being proactive since there is little I can do and I don't even know what the proble is!!!
thinking of you.

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks, Snapdragon. We all have stuff to deal with. Sometimes more than other times. It can't hurt to pray for each other. I got a lot of comfort out of a song I found on You tube. It was telling me that God had heard my prayers and would be there with me through thick and thin. It went through my head over and over again during all the rough times and I would like to think it was planned that I found it.

Yesterday's food:
Breakfast: Power shake, half a bagel and peanut butter
Lunch: Was planning a small lunch but a couple of friends surprised me with flowers and a lunch invitation. It was just great. Lots of good talking and sat outside at a nearby restaurant for hours. I ate a taco salad. Should have asked for the sour cream dressing on the side. There was lots of it and it was all over the salad.
Around supper time, my stomach went crazy and I felt kind of awful so I only had a little of supper (beef roast, mashed potatoes and broccoli) at around 7:30. When I finally started feeling better at around 8:30, I had a bowl of cereal and a couple of ginger snaps with mascapone cheese and cherries. Kind of a weird night.

I made homemade salsa yesterday and it turned out great. I was really proud of it.

Didn't meditate. Will remedy that today.

[tobiasmom]

Homemade salsa.......yum! I am a chips and salsa fan BIG TIME!!!! Any great plans for this salsa?

[Pangelsue2]

Actually, we had it on scrambled eggs this morning. Very good. DH is a salsa lover and I am sure it will disappear quickly. I like it mostly on Mexican food but he could eat it on anything.

[Pangelsue2]

Still struggling getting started back on No S. I don't think I have had a vanilla day yet. I did lose a pound in the last couple of weeks. I think I am eating healthy and I am not overeating but I have temporarily relaxed the when I am eating part. I thought I was over the shock of the last couple of months but I wasn't. I have nervous, sort of down days and then very, very happy peaceful ones but it is hard to predict which days will be which. I have decided to give myself the time I need to be centered again and be easy on myself until that happens. I am not choosing trigger foods or sweets and high fat foods. I am making healthy choices, eating less quantity of food but not adding stress by trying to control when I eat it. That will be it for now. A work in progress.

We are mentoring a couple of Pakistani students for the last month. What a wonderful experience it has been. We are learning so much about them and through their eyes we are learning so much about ourselves. They think we live in paradise. They say that if they lived here, they would have the perfect life. One of them visited our small ranch house yesterday for the first time and he asked us why we said we lived in a very small house. He thought it was huge. He shares an apartment with his wife, 4 children, his parents, his brother and sisters and their families. They have their own rooms but share common rooms. He said he would think living in a house like ours would make him the happiest man alive. Perspective, I guess. I have learned so much more about the Middle East, Islam and how we humans are much more alike than different.

I am shooting for a peaceful, calm, late summer day today. I will also try to eat well and take care of the only body I have.

[snapdragon]

What a nice experience for you to mentor. Being useful and helpful is ultimately the best medicine for me when I am upset or nervous or worrying about anything. I hope it is for you too.
I bet you help and inspire more people than you know.

[Pangelsue2]

Thank you for those kind words, Snapdragon. It does really help to get your head somewhere else and think about others. I love the mentoring so far. These young guys are so eager to learn and so in love with this country. It makes me sad for whining about the government. But then, that is why it is such a good country because we can whine. Legally. It is guaranteed in our constitution. How great is that!?

Another day not on plan. Had a little meltdown last night and woke up this morning to a panic attack. Most of the time, I am doing great but every once in a while another piece of reality sinks in. I am the type of person who doesn't react all at once when I am hit with a shock. It is like my system metes out as much as I can handle at a time. Leave it to my control freak brain to even control shock!! Haha. It serves me well when others are falling apart. They think I am the rock of Gibraltar but check with me 3 weeks later and you will find me in a corner shaking and crying. And then, they are all "what's the matter? I thought you were doing so well." So I am still in a holding pattern with getting back to No S. Here is where I am at:

Still not eating seconds. I would pat myself on the back but this one was always super easy for me. I almost never eat a lot of stuff at one sitting.

Sugar- went from none for a couple of weeks after the diagnosis to 1 very low sugar, healthy treat after supper to recently munching on treats way too often.

Snacking- I have not put restrictions on snacking since the tension in my life went off the scale. I have tried to make the snacks very small and healthy. But there have been a lot of them.

Through all this, I have not gained weight. In fact, I lost a couple of pounds. But I don't think that will continue. At first I was not eating very much at all but recently, there has been no problem with my appetite.

I know I need to get back slowly and I will have set backs while I adjust but I want to start dealing with the stress aftermath by moving around as much as possible, reading, meditating and listening to music. I allowed food to soothe me long enough. It was comforting to revert to something I knew would work. Dumb, I know but that is why we call them comfort foods, I guess. I am, however smart enough to know that it is time to find other ways of comforting myself. I am going to start recording what I eat again. I think it will give me a measure of comfort to know I am in control of more of my life again.

Breakfast: Power shake, cherry, chocolate flax muffin. It sounds decadent and tastes great too but there is very little sugar and only enough dark chocolate to make it feel like a treat. The recipe was on Webmd as a recommended treat for women recovering from breast cancer. Each muffin has a whole tablespoon of ground flax in it. There is also whole wheat flour, molasses, yogurt, eggs, and dried fruit. So, dead serious healthy and very good tasting.

Lunch: big bowl of coleslaw, slice of pumpernickel bread and a slice of Swiss cheese
Probably not enough because it is 4:00 and I am really hungry.

Dinner: Pasta with sausage and artichoke sauce, green beans, ricotta muffin and 1 small oatmeal chocolate chip cookie

Exercise: Cleaned the greenhouse

Meditation: done and mellow

Mood: Good until my neck acted up after cleaning the greenhouse. Really ached and I got kind of down. Emotional roller coaster seems to be the mood of the week. Poor DH. I think he never knows what he will find. Been either really up or down lately. I know I will find more even ground eventually.

1st day on plan for a long time. I am going to spend the day with my sister today and she is a constant snacker. It will be a challenge to stay on target today. I will give it my best shot.

[kccc]

Just sending love and encouragement.

[Pangelsue2]

Day 2
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1 strip of bacon and 1 slice of toast, coffee
Lunch: stir fried potatoes, zucchini and eggplant. 4 oz hamburger fried and tomatoes Handful of peanuts.(one of my trigger foods)
Dinner: Pizza and Klondike bar another handful of peanuts
Exercise: walking and shopping
Meditation: Not yet but hope to before bed (didn't make it. Will try again tomorrow. This is a habit I need and really want to cultivate.)
Mood: Good. Visited my sister. My brother-in-law works with wood and he helped my daughter make a letter opener out of exotic woods. She was thrilled. Nice day. Good to be with family again.

The Klondike bar was coloring outside the lines. Also the peanuts were an after thought and not part of the meals. So it was not an N day. I am OK with that. I will get there. I had opportunities to eat other snacks and eat more during the evening. I didn't. That is progress from the last couple of weeks.

[Strawberry Roan]

Sounds like you are doing fine. Just stopping by to say hi, encourage you, and send my best wishes that your health is improving each day.

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks, Strawberry. I am doing the best I can to make my health as good as possible. It is an empowering feeling.

Day3
Breakfast: Oatmeal, flax muffin and coffee
Lunch:Subway BLT We are going to a pot luck tonight and I tasted the casserole I am bringing for seasoning and I won't count that as eating. I am going to go for one plate tonight and 1 dessert if there is one that looks worthy.
Dinner: Had one plate of food. There was no meat. It was all vegetable dishes. Very good. The plate was quite full. Had a piece of un-frosted chocolate cake. Also very good. So the day was good but not vanilla.
Exercise: grocery shopping
Meditation: Will starting after I sign off here. Did meditate for a while but a short while. I really need to work on this.
Mood: Very good. Had a great time at the pot luck. I am finding it much easier to be myself lately and step outside the box. I am liking it.

[Pangelsue2]

Day 4
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1 strip of bacon, 1 piece of toast and jam
Lunch: Yummy invented mix. Corn, black beans, spicy black bean burger, avocado, sour cream, the salsa I made today and a handful of pita chips. Also a peach. Best lunch I've had in a long time.
Dinner: Pork Tenderloin wellington with green peppercorn sauce, rutabaga and mashed potatoes mixed, peas. Chocolate chip oatmeal cookie. We tried out the pork recipe because we hoped to be serving it at our next wine tasting. It was delicious so we will use the recipe. We are having a 7 course dinner and wine on October 1st. I am really looking forward to it. We haven't had an all out party for a long, long time. Can't wait.
Exercise: Vacuuming
Meditation: Right after I am done typing this. Followed through. It was nice but my head was kind of all over the place. I will have to look up some guided meditations for a while until I get better focused.
Mood: Couple of shaky moments but mostly good.

Have a good weekend everyone. We will be going out for my husbands birthday and some friends' anniversary tomorrow and I will be having a brunch with his family for his birthday on Sunday. Busy weekend ahead. Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun. Anyone know where that song quote is from?

[Pangelsue2]

Very busy weekend. Not horrible food wise but more than I usually have. Glad to be back to Monday.

Breakfast: Bagel, peanut butter and jam and coffee
Lunch: Kind of weird throw together lunch. Tiny tomatoes and hummus and leftover blueberry coffeecake from brunch yesterday
Dinner: Chicken Parmesan, pasta and broccoli. Apple crisp and ice cream to celebrate DH's birthday.
Exercise: Did the first three steps of Tai Chi.
Meditation: short one. Was interrupted by delivery man.
Mood: Very good. It was a birthday of someone I love.

Unplanned food. Did quite a bit of snacking during the afternoon hours. I could put it to being an S day but truth be told, I just wanted to and would have done it even if had been an N day. Have to count it.

[Pangelsue2]

As usual, I am getting bored with recording everything I eat so I am going to stop that now. I figured out yesterday that I eat one of about 7 breakfasts every day so as long as I stick with that I am good for breakfast. Lunch has never been a problem. Actually, most of the time I could easily forget to eat lunch. I also almost never overeat at supper because my stomach shuts down earlier these days and if I eat too much I suffer all night. On my personal plan, I am allowing one small sweet a day 7 days a week. I find that cuts way back on binging on weekends. So I guess snacking and excess sugar are my areas of concern. Starting today, I will record sugar and snack lapses. I will also record meditation, exercise and mood. I enjoyed doing that and it made me realize, I really need the first two and that my mood is most of the time better than I thought it was.

Ate a bowl of cereal after supper last night. Otherwise was on plan.

[Pangelsue2]

There were 2 snacking setbacks today. One was right before we left to go to supper with friends. Then I didn't eat enough at supper and had graham crackers, (too many) when I came home.
Didn't meditate. Not good.
Mood: good. Had fun with the friends. But feeling down tonight.
Exercise: Dizziness was bad all day so it made movement hard.

[Who Me?]

I got bored with recording meals for a while. Oddly, that coincided with some slacky eating on my part.

I hope you do better that I did. (I wasn't horrible, but I wasn't perfect, either.)

[r.jean]

I never record my meals. That is one reason I was not good at traditional dieting. I would try to do it, but I hate it. That is also why no s works so well for me.

[determined]

I never record my meals. That is one reason I was not good at traditional dieting. I would try to do it, but I hate it. That is also why no s works so well for me.

I'm the same way. I've been obsessed with dieting & weight loss all my life & recording what I eat ends up putting more focus on food for me instead of on just being healthy. Whatever works for you is great, but if you're tired of recording, it might be a good time to experiment with not writing down your food...who knows...maybe that freedom will be good for you too.

Cyber hugs...janie

[Pangelsue2]

Thanks for the input, guys. I really appreciate you reading my ramblings and sharing your thoughts with me.

I am sitting here tonight with another day way off plan trying to think what to do next. Most of my life I have been the type of person who sets goals and works toward them. I don't expect perfection but I am goal oriented and usually I reach goals I have set or I know the reason why I didn't reach them.

I have tried to improve my relationship with food most of my adult life with little to no success.
I have claimed to be striving to weigh a normal weight, eat healthy, avoid sugar and junk food and drink adequate amounts of water. Sounds like a reasonable set of goals and attainable. Yet these goals have eluded me all my life. Tonight, I am asking myself why. If I am honest with myself, I am rarely not hungry. I am almost never really thirsty. I have to remind myself to drink at all. I love sugar and would eat dessert after every meal. I would eat junk food numerous times every day. So the fact that I don't actually do those things and just obsess about them most of the time, shows that I am exerting quite a bit of self control. So why has persistence not paid off? Why has practice not produced new habits? Why, when I give in, does it always taste so flipping great? I am now asking myself what my options are. I pride myself on facing reality. So these are my options as I see them:

I can give up and slowly let my weight climb until I need a crane to leave the house. Not acceptable.

I can give up all the trigger foods forever. I don't think I could ever do that. I could hire someone to stop me from eating those foods but it would have to be a very big person.

I can continue to do what I have been doing and manage to maintain my current weight. Depressing and unrewarding.

I need a plan that is easy so I can stop obsessing. It needs to fit into my life style. It needs to be healthy because I have health concerns and my age would dictate reason in my food choices. I need accountability because I have not proven myself trustworthy in 50 years so my credibility is lacking.
What to do, what to do.
My DH and I just had a long talk about this after I read him this post and together we have come to the conclusion that I have believed for many years that I SHOULD lose weight but I have no personal, internal, motivating reason to lose weight. Until I find that reason and internalize it, nothing can change.
My eating habits have improved because I have stopped gaining weight. That is a good thing. The motivating reason for that was shame after my weight went over 200 pounds. Now it hovers around 200. Will weight loss get rid of my cancer? Probably not. Will it get rid of my inner ear balance issues? Probably not. Will it get rid of my arthritis? Probably not although it might improve pain management. Will I look better? That is debatable. I would wear a smaller size but my siblings who lost weight definitely have saggier skin than they used to because weight loss at this age leaves wrinkles behind. So what's the motivation? The only thing I have come up with is that I would finally win over this monkey that has been on my back for so many years. I might be able to finally say HAH!! Got you! Peace with food is finally in my grasp. That sounds a little melodramatic. But I still think it might be my best motivation. It would be good to win in the final reel. Walk off into the sunset, leaving donuts and cheetos lying in the dirt in my wake, blowing the smoke off my pistol before returning it to my holster. Wow. It think it is time to go to bed. But for now I am going to make my motivation winning. Bruised and bloody but the winner.

[Who Me?]

I hear the music of the soundtrack already!

You go, girl!

[r.jean]

WOW! What a post!

I am 55 and have also struggled with my relationship with food most of my life so a lot of what you said really hit home. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

[determined]

It would be good to win in the final reel. Walk off into the sunset, leaving donuts and cheetos lying in the dirt in my wake, blowing the smoke off my pistol before returning it to my holster.

Love your thoughts....makes me want to win this battle even more...

janie

[gk]

But for now I am going to make my motivation winning. Bruised and bloody but the winner.

Atta girl! Great post!

It's unreal how food can be such a constant struggle. But, I LOVE your determination. You CAN beat this.....and as Janie said, you make me want to beat it even more, too! Thanks!

[Pangelsue2]

I am very glad that my jaunt into crazy last night inspired and amused. Today was better. Still some sugar after supper but it was a frustrating day with the wonderful world of electronics and computers. 'Bout drove me over the edge. DH was cranky too. I could tell because he was talking very slowly and calmly and that is never good. Anyway, we got the job done and the computer is up and running again. Yay! Cost me a couple of mini peppermint patties though. Hey, it was a good day otherwise. Movement in a forward direction.

[Pangelsue2]

I don't usually talk about religion much because I think faith in a God unites all people of the earth but religion can do as much to separate people as bring them together.
I believe God and I are one and when I sin (gluttony for example) it is because I have moved away from God. Further, I think that all of us have reasons we overeat. Food is really, really good but when we eat to excess, I believe there is something else going on. There can be as many reasons for overeating as there are people who overeat. When I pray, too often I want God to take away some pain or trial or problem with no effort on my part. Instead, I think praying let's God know I believe He is listening and can help me get through whatever is going on. I often quote a book I once read. The hero has gone through many trials and has a trial ahead of him that will almost surely kill him. He prays all night and at the end of the night he gets up and thinks about his long hours of prayer. He says to himself: This wasn't prayer anyway. It was just argument with the gods. Prayer, he suspected as he hoisted himself up and turned for the door was putting one foot in front of the other and moving on all the same." Later he also says "events may be horrible or inescapable. Men have always a choice--if not whether then how they may endure." That, for me says where God is in all of this for me. If I trust that I can do this with the power God has given me, then I can do it. If I approach it with my nature separated from God's, I don't have a chance of success. God has given me all the tools. I have to start using them.

Also, I have been thinking about being on this board for accountability. I am not so sure it is for accountability. My husband asked me this week how the boards makes me accountable anymore than keeping a chart or something. I think maybe we are all going through a learning process and we need each other to slog through that process. We listen to each other, support each other, expose our vulnerability to food to each other and slowly work with each other to find solutions. That's not accountability. That is wonderful therapy and I for one need it.
Enjoy your Sunday.

[r.jean]

I also have a strong belief in God and believe that self discipline is a virtue; however, I do not believe that God judges us by our weaknesses. He judges us by our strengths.

So...when I was failing in the area of gluttony, God did not judge me. I also found that true Christians did not judge me. However, when I am doing well, I am encouraged.

So....we can gain strength from God and from other people. I basically am saying that I agree with you that supporting each other through this forum is important.

[Lily x]

Hi Pangelsue2

Just wanted to say a big thank you for dropping by my check in thread and cheering me on.

Your thread is really inspiring and has encouraged me to keep going with this new WOE, no matter what.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

[gk]

I think maybe we are all going through a learning process and we need each other to slog through that process. We listen to each other, support each other, expose our vulnerability to food to each other and slowly work with each other to find solutions. That's not accountability. That is wonderful therapy and I for one need it.

I totally agree. These boards are more than just a check-in.......this is definately a support group. Whether I've had a good week or a bad week, checking in here is simply a comfort. Alot of people just don't "get" what the big deal is to just eat normally. At this site, there is a complete understanding of how difficult of a struggle this can be. This is a wonderful place, and I am very grateful to have found the support of so many caring people!

[Pangelsue2]

Thank you all for the feedback and the compliments. I enjoy everything each of you writes here. It is so wonderful when people take the time to help others sort through their lives. Kindness adds such a glow to the day for the giver and the receiver.

I am however at a loss about what to do to get myself to care about snacking and sugar and dieting in general. I am currently not really following any guidelines at all. I feel like I have to be on board more than intellectually or it is just a repeated exercise in making myself feel bad. So, that finally said, I want to stay here and try to blog myself some understanding and motivation but I am going to stop pretending I am doing anything concrete and I am also going to stop feeling guilty because I am not on board with any "diet, lifestyle or life plan" just now. Back to basics. I am going to just be me until I figure out who I am now and what I want and ultimately what I am willing and capable to do to get it. I have decided that there have been so many physical changes in my life the last 5-10 years that I never really dealt with. They have utterly changed how I see myself and how I define who I am. I don't know this new person. I keep waiting to return to who I was. I am a lot less independent than I once was. That is huge for me. I have been pretending it isn't. I am worried what would happen to me if my husband weren't around to do the things I can't. So maybe I am saying that I have bigger fish to fry than what I eat for right now. I am not being sad or depressed or whatever but I am saying that I need to learn to stand up before I try to walk and run. So this site will be my therapy for a while until I feel centered again.
Thanks for listening and any wisdom and or advise will certainly be appreciated.
Until further notice.
Sue-- a work in progress.

[NoSnacker]

We surely are all in this together..God made us social creatures to be there for each other to encourage, speak truth in love, etc.

I have been struggling for over a week now and got off the boards only to come back to where I know others understand the struggles of trying to have a sane relationship with food.

We can do it..one day at a time...