Sinnie's 2013 Check in

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:48 pm

Still here, another year...

I've been waiting to start this check in because I'm not really sure about my grand new years No S style. I guess the answer is I don't have one mod I religiously follow, and therefore constantly tweak things. My weight is at an all-time high when looking at the past couple of years. The holidays threw me off like crazy. Right before them, I started cutting out sugar which felt amazing. Then I came across the OMG diet - I know, I know, it gots lots of bad press. But really, the premises is not that crazy - 3 meals a day, lower carb and some other weird tactics but who cares. It worked like a charm for the week I did it, I had NEVER felt better. But Christmas festivities came, and I couldn't get back on track.

So, I may incorporate some things I learned from that diet that worked for me. One of them is delaying breakfast. It made the whole day go much easier on me because the spacing of meals was not as much to deal with. So that is mod #1.

I may also attempt to not eat much sugar at all. Mod #2.

Mod #3 - no S days ever. I like no "days off". In theory it makes sense, but I can't do theory! I'll take S's as it seems appropriate.

I also found that eating way more protein was like a golden ticket to no overeating or cravings. Mod #4 - 1/3 to 1/2 my plate must be protein.

Weight today: 121

Here's to a great 2013.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Jan 03, 2013 1:23 am

Tuesday January 1:

*Did not delay eating breakfast*
Breakfast was a slice of homemade walnut bread (slightly sweet) and coffee with evap milk

Lunch was a mish-mash of leftovers: sushi, wings, cevapcici, bread, cheese, 2 pieces apple strudel, and 2 brownies. Felt full for a long time.

Dinner was some pasta, 1 cevapcici, some cucumbers.

Wed. Jan. 2

Delayed breakfast 3 hours (no walk first)
B: 2 scrambled eggs with cheese, piece of french toast, celery with natural pb

L: (ate early, wasn't hungry, but at friend's house) cheese, few crackers, pickles, latte and oatmeal chocolate chip cookie

S: (was getting too hungry waiting for dinner) piece of brie cheese, some carrots, celery with natural pb

D: 1 wing, 1/2 chicken breast, lots of veggies (a mixture of frozen and zucchini) and some mini samosa's, and one bite of naan.

S: before bed, shortly after dinner, I did have one brownie (fairly small), 1 or 2 small pieces of apple strudel and a slice of walnut bread (potica). Was feeling hungry.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Jan 03, 2013 11:02 pm

Thurs. Jan 3

Weight: 120

Woke up, cold shower, black coffee and 20 min walk.
Went shopping and ended up with another black coffee and split a fruit n fibre muffin at McDonalds.
Came home and ate again around 11:30am - a few mini samosa's, brie cheese, celery w/ natural pb, veggies, turkey stick.
Green tea around 2:20pm
Next meal came around 5pm - sausage meatballs cooked in beef broth with spinach and pasta (cheese on top). Dessert of one small piece of strudel and 1/2 a brownie.
Dinner: piece of salmon and piece of white fish topped with a tomato, caper, bacon sauce. Broccoli with butter. bite of naan. Piece of potica, small spoon of pb and one chocolate turtle.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:15 pm

Fri. Jan. 4

Weight: 120.5

Last night before bed, I ended up eating some cookies and strudel. Not a full out binge, but that same secretive behaviour I've done in the past that I want to avoid.

Not feeling guilty or ashamed or resentful at myself like I used to. I just want to change.

Did some of my morning routine but am being lax as it is my last day of Christmas holidays. Breakfast is currently being eaten early at 8am which will hopefully not cause me problems as pushing it off until later in the day has really curbed my snacking.

Breakfast: small slice potica, apple and oatmeal (almond milk, protein powder, cinnamon)

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Mon Jan 07, 2013 1:08 pm

Didn't have time to check in for a few days. So depressed today, back at work. Let's hope it's a smooth transition and the day goes by fast.

Weight: 119

Monday January 7, 2013:

Breakfast: 1/2 pita stuffed with egg/spinach/cheese. Piece of brie & carrots & celery. Lots of cashews and peanuts.

Lunch: 3 pure butter shortbread cookies.

Dinner: 3 chicken legs, veggies, few bites of pasta with cheese.

Shortly after dinner: 1 turtle, small piece of milk chocolate, 1 chocolate biscuit, peanut butter on toast, handful of nuts, peanut butter

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Tue Jan 08, 2013 5:48 pm

Weight: 119

Tuesday January 8

B: plain yogurt w/ protein powder, apple pieces and a handful nuts.

L: lamb, chicken, veg, 2 shortbread cookies and coffee with cream

S: lots of cashews (few handfuls?)

D: pork chop, cauliflower, 2 or 3 perogies, some pasta salad, slice of bread with pb, a cookie, piece chocolate, some nuts

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Jan 09, 2013 12:49 pm

Wed. Jan. 9

W: 119.5

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:52 pm

My weight is constantly bouncing, and I end up in the same place.
I had a binge last night. No time to re-cap. It always ends with bread and peanut butter.

Anyways, back to vanilla. What else is there to do?

W: 121

B: yogurt w/ protein powder, nuts and apple
L: Mr. Noodles and coleslaw
D: ribs (too many), rice and asparagus

Feeling very proud of my first green day in a long while. I resisted the urge to get a donut with my coffee in the afternoon. I just didn't feel like reporting a failure. But, the caffeine made my nerves jittery and I had to stay at work longer than usual. Despite the long drive home, I got in, waited the 20 minutes to make dinner and ate one plate. Nice!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Jan 11, 2013 12:44 pm

W: 121

Having such a bad day, lots of stress to contend with and really don't want to let that derail me. *no choice* just do the 3 meals and don't even comtemplate a snack or other options.

B: thick slice of potica (decidedly not a sweet, I thought this morning, no more so than a homemade muffin)

L: rice, turkey meatballs, asparagus and an apple

jasper · Post by **jasper** » Fri Jan 11, 2013 1:10 pm

sinnie, may I ask, what height are you?

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:50 pm

Hi Jasper, no problem. I'm about 5'2 - pretty short - and even at a reasonable weight. But I could stand to lose a few pounds if I were to feel ideal. I eat emotionally very often, and that's the main habit I want to get out of. If I did, I'm pretty sure I'd level off naturally around 115.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:48 pm

Fail Friday night. Waited it out for dinner, but was starving (the mistake started in the morning by having only a refined carb of potica for breakfast at 5:45am). I did not put everything on my plate at once so I knew I failed. Then, in failure mode, I decided to have dessert - lots of cookies. Felt AWFUL, sick and bloated. Yuck. Weight 121.5 this morning.

I'm thinking of doing negative tracking instead of posting my meals everyday.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Mon Jan 14, 2013 6:45 pm

Two fails today: #1: ate breakfast in the car but then kept eating way more than I allocated to breakfast. #2: got a donut after lunch.

Reason? Stress. Had a small conflict with DH, my appt ran late which almost made me late for work and had to speed the whole drive, work is super busy and I feel like I'm forgetting things. All of which only made me feel better - is food.

Edit to add: way more failures in the evening, too many to list. It was awful. Weight is 123 - an ultimate high I haven't seen in years.

The problem? Sure, stress did me in, but I also notice a funny pattern emerging. When I eat huge breakfasts, I am famished all day and can't get enough food in to feel full.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 12:27 am

Failed again. Wow, this is embarassing. I guess this is why negative qualification works.

Failure after lunch: couldn't stop eating these chocolate fruit covered candies at work.

Failure after dinner: ate a small cupcake for dessert (which was OK) but then binged on two slices of bread with peanut butter & jam.

Why? I'm not sure today. But before I continued on, I just looked at the food and said "you can have it in the morning"...and stopped immediately.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:57 am

Today will be green

I think it's great that you're posting despite being embarrassed. Maybe you don't eat enough food at your meals?

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:06 pm

Thanks Eschano! I appreciate the vote of confidence. And actually, it's going very well. I came very close to going out and getting something after lunch, but stopped myself by reminding I can have whatever it is at the next meal (even if its a sweet). My only goal is having a reasonable amount at each meal and anything 'extra' needs to be saved for a few hours to have at x meal. Oh, and i definitely eat a lot at meals, i usually have seconds

My overeating is always psychological.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Tue Jan 22, 2013 12:59 pm

Day 1: Mon. Jan 21: SUCCESS
No Snacks

No Sweets

No Seconds

14 minutes

Walking

(as best as I could do - extreme cold alert this week)

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Tue Jan 22, 2013 1:01 pm

Day 2: Tues Jan 22 - SUCCESS
No Snacks

No Sweets

No Seconds

14 minutes

Walking- not really- extreme cold alert

The day has just started but im preemptively putting it as a success. I think I'm finally ready for real true No S.

Also trying optimized oatmeal for breakfast.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Jan 23, 2013 2:35 pm

Day 3: Wed Jan 23 - SUCCESS - S-DAY

No Snacks

No Sweets - S DAY (Step-DD birthday).
No Seconds

14 minutes

Walking- another S day b/c of extreme cold

Amazing. This has just suddenly, for no reason at all except utter despair, turned around. Easy and no problem following the rules.

I even did a bake sale today with my students and there was TONS leftover. Didn't touch a thing. Think fresh donuts, muffins, cookies etc.

I am also really stressed at the moment, for medical reasons, but it's not leading me to want to eat at all.

EDIT: I waited until almost 8pm for dinner which is a feat for me. Had 2 slices of pizza, some wings, salad and fries. For dessert, I had a piece of huge cookie, 1/4 custard dessert and bite of cheesecake. HUGE SUCCESS! Didn't feel overly full or gross for once. Excellent first S day! It was easy

Amy3010 · Post by **Amy3010** » Thu Jan 24, 2013 8:42 am

Way to go!

Hope your medical issues get sorted out and that everything is okay. Good luck.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Jan 24, 2013 11:14 am

Thank you very much Amy - things seem to be okay at the moment!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Jan 24, 2013 6:25 pm

Day 4: Thurs. Jan 24: FAILURE
No Snacks

No Sweets

No Seconds

14 minutes

(only 1 hour of yoga)
Walking

Probably still too cold. After a few mins the dog's feet start freezing and she can't walk!

Still going strong. Lots of temptations including leftover pastries to go with coffee (how tempting while marking exams). But I said NO to myself. I did yoga instead, had my proper lunch although fighting demons telling me its the same calories to have the muffin/cookie as my nuts and dried fruit. But health-wise it's totally different, so my inner child accepted that.

EDIT: I had a relapse tonight. It was dinner, not super hungry cuz it was early and we were supposed to have leftovers but it was less than I thought. There was pizza and salad. I started with one slice and then split a second slice. Had some salad. Feeling like something else but there really wasn't anything. So I had dessert with coffee. Could have been a perfectly reasonable night at that, but it just spun me off wanting more. So I picked while I cleaned up, and then just before did a secret binge of cereal and milk, a piece of cookie, piece of muffin and finished the custard dessert because it was bothering me that it might go to waste.

Ahhh. Don't look back. Don't compensate in the future. Just keep moving ahead. A good lesson - I can't bend the rules. No S means NO SWEETS on weekdays ever.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:53 pm

SUCCESS

I am going to make sure today is successful. I reallly learnt my lesson yesterday. How much better I feel when I live according to the rules. I'd have been better off just accepting that dinner was going to be mediocre and sometimes that's OK! Maybe I was feeling guilty to have pizza again for dinner? And I didn't want to put two slices on my plate instantly, but that led to me definitely needing more. And on it goes.

I am not going to compensate today because that ship has sailed. Damage is done. 3 meals, no snacks no sweets no seconds - ONE PLATE ONLY. I can do this! I will get RIGHT back on track!

I also missed my 14 minutes yesterday. I didn't have the motivation to do it yesterday (sooo tired) but it's becoming a nice addition to my day. And much easier than I thought.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Feb 13, 2013 1:02 pm

Breakfast was a small bowl of Vanilla Almond Special K cereal with 1% milk, slice toast with pb and a small handful of cashews/4 dried apricots.

Lunch will be gross. I only had time to throw a Mr. Noodles, an apple, and 3 chicken nuggets together.

Dinner will most likely be frozen wings, frozen veggies and rice.

SUCCESS. It will be easy. I am finding other ways of passing the time or dealing with stress. I don't care what it is - TV, reading these boards, walking the dog, calling somebody...whatever works.

Also, I've found watered down juice VERY helpful. Like, it can hold me when I want dinner NOW. It sorta replaces snacking and stabilizes my blood sugar without ruining my appetite.

MJ7910 · Post by **MJ7910** » Wed Feb 13, 2013 1:15 pm

i would encourage anyone to make their meals somethign they actually want to eat just for the reasons you are talkign about. if something is kind of mediocre, the inner child is goign to want more. this week i have been trying to make for myself very satisfying meals that i enjoy. but i know it's hard at times so at minimum make sure at least one part of your meal is something you like. i'd say that's a pretty good guideline!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Feb 14, 2013 1:18 pm

I agree MJ7910! Yesterday I ended up having about 3 cookies after dinner, and a few bites of a donut. Sigh.

My stress levels are at an all-time high.

B: dried fruit mixture with some seeds.

MJ7910 · Post by **MJ7910** » Thu Feb 14, 2013 1:49 pm

I am a binge eater too so I really understand what you're going through. Stress really got to me late January and it was pretty substantial. That was when I started to recommit to NoS again. The most important thing I have discovered is to not beat yourself up. When I start feeling bad and beating myself up is when I continute to eat things that aren't so good. It's a cycle. Feel bad about self lead to eating. eating too much leads to feeling bad about myself, restart cycle. NoS has been great for me because I could chastize myself about having a freaking glass of milk last night but I'm not going to because it's a beverage as long as i didn't dump sugar and chocolate in it, it is just that... my old diet was counting calories and that beverage would have set me over and into a tailspin. amazing the difference. i can see how going slightly off NoS can cause some regret but the important thing is starting the next day with the habit in mind (not the food itself). Also I have started something about gradients of unsuccessfulness... 1 is really bad overeatign to the point of sickness, 10 is a successful day and 9 might be a few beverages that were slightly over the top (like sugary drinks with a lot of calories)... so that way I can just say unsuccessful to whatever degree and it's not as harsh as "failure!"... i know that seems like just semantics but amazingly, it has helped! like last night if i would have messed up i could have stopped it about an 8-9 and not let it go into worse territory.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:28 pm

Great advice, thanks so much for sharing. I'm at a really low point right now and I think concentrating on something moderate like no S might be good.

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:44 pm

Hi Sinnie:

You are very brave and very honest.

Coping with work stress is a tough one. No "S" gave me a logical calm framework for food that totally derailed my previous "coping" strategy which was eating comfort foods all night long until I went to bed.

Good luck, Sinnie. Don't give up.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Feb 15, 2013 1:21 am

Hey No BS (love your name),
Thanks so much for stopping by. Encouraging words, even from strangers over the internet, really makes me feel less alone and puts a smile on my face. I appreciate the post, and I am really going to try for a come back to No S. Today was a fail, yesterday was a fail...but I'm giving up on anything apart from three solid meals a day. I don't have anything left to give.

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:43 am

Sinnie wrote:I am really going to try for a come back to No S.

Come back to No "S", Sinnie.

The encouraging words from many strangers on this BB helps all of us keep it together!

My motto has been: Trust No "S", particularly when you cannot trust yourself, just trust No "S".

In truth, No "S" has truly been a way out of the wilderness & back to food sanity for me.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Feb 15, 2013 10:28 pm

Sinnie is "back" to No S! Weight is 121.

B: 1/2 bagel w/ cream cheese and fruit
L: Sandwich (2 halves), salad and cookie
D: veggies, few bites tortellini soup, 2 smallish potatoes cut and baked like chips, one chicken strip, small bowl of quinoa and 2 ferraro rocher chocolates and handful cashews.

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Sat Feb 16, 2013 6:27 am

Welcome back!

And good eats, eh!

Have a great weekend, Sinnie!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Sat Feb 16, 2013 6:47 pm

Thanks No BS

W: 120.5

B: 3 pancakes w/ real maple syrup, some scrambled eggs, bowl of yogurt, and a green apple.

L: quinoa, pasta, chicken strip, veggies, cookie and coffee

D: (appetizer shrimp cocktail and few sips vodka martini), chicken, spinach salad with grapes and balsamic/walnut oil vinaigrette, little bit mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy. Dessert was tiny slice red velvet cheesecake and decaf. Very yum yum!

I love not worrying about the food, just focusing on three meals of what I like. I plan on doing this day in and day out. If there is a bad choice, I'll just move on at the next meal.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Sun Feb 17, 2013 2:56 pm

W: 121.5

B: banana w/ natural pb, some grapes, 1/2 whole wheat small tortilla with cheese and some milk

L: (biiiig brunch at sister's house) - fritata, bacon, biscuit, cheese bread, baked french toast, yogurt, fruit, granola, among other stuff. Whoa full.

D: shrimp and avocado salad, beef boeurginon, polenta and cheddar cheese, rapini, broccoli, garden salad, some red wine, few pieces dark choclate and piece apple strudel.

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Sun Feb 17, 2013 7:01 pm

Sinnie, fabulous brunch! You just reminded me how much I miss my sister.

Have a great week. Be kind to yourself!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Mon Feb 18, 2013 2:35 am

Hey, No BS! Sisters are great aren't they? I love mine! And the brunch was divine. Feeling bingey tonight. I think I feel like I overate today so I'm going through a what-the-hell moment. Dying to make some popcorn but I know ill feel so much better tomorrow if I don't. I will not give in!!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:09 pm

Today is family day here in Canada, so I'm off! DH and I never get time together because he works so much, so this is awesome

W: 121 - very happy I didn't eat last night. In case anyone is wondering about the daily weigh in, I just like to keep track of the data; it has no bearing on my mood or whatever, I really don't care

But I may try to wait until next Monday just because it'd be cool to see a drop of a lb or two.

B: small bowl of cereal (I actually finished this as someone's leftovers but decided to virtual plate it as part of brekkie); 2 pieces of bacon, 1 fried egg, bite of toast, grapes, small slice red velvet cheesecake! YUM

L: picked at a bunch of stuff - few bites of the following - avocado, corn chips/salsa, cheese, yogurt, mashed potatoes,2 crackers with pb, 1 cookie, spoon ice cream and small piece cheesecake.

D: went to someones house and they are pretty serious about cooking so its a matter of politeness to eat everything. Pasta, antipasto, bread, lamb, stuffed mushrooms among other things. Dessert of fruit, sponge cake, and 1 bacio.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Feb 20, 2013 12:34 am

Stress got to me big time today. Had a mini binge just now. Handful cashews, slice bread with pb, few bites cheesecake and glass of milk.

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Wed Feb 20, 2013 12:46 am

Bummer.

No worries, tomorrow is another day.

What you call a mini-binge I call an appetizer!!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Feb 20, 2013 2:28 pm

hahahaha true enough No BS! That was a very tiny binge by my standards too

Back on track...
W: 122

B: quinoa with natural pb & a couple prunes in there, cafe au lait (made with vanilla soy)

L: sausage with bun, big handful cashews, grapes and decaf coffee with one timbit

D: I made soup (meatballs, pasta & spinach), 1 pork chop, salad (avocado, tomato, cukes & peppers)

Okay done eating for the day! Now the wait until breakfast...can I do it?

MJ7910 · Post by **MJ7910** » Wed Feb 20, 2013 2:46 pm

me too! usually my binges are a lot worse than that! that is great that you stopped it before it got worse!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Feb 20, 2013 9:49 pm

Thank you MJ! I hope today I dont eat anything else..need to keep myself busy tonight

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Thu Feb 21, 2013 1:57 am

Sinnie wrote:
Okay done eating for the day! Now the wait until breakfast...can I do it?

Now that indeed is the question ..... and the answers is "Of course I can!"

Whenever I put away my plate for the evening I promise myself the best & biggest breakfast in the world the next morning as long as I don't eat anything UNTIL breakfast.

It works for me!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Feb 21, 2013 3:25 am

I used to tell myself that too! Why oh why didn't I tonight...
Right after I posted I thought I'd have a tiny bit of dessert to end off, which was a couple bites of cheesecake...but then my bad habit of snacking while prepping lunches crept in and I had another slice of bread with pb. I do this almost nightly. Grrrrr

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Feb 21, 2013 12:55 pm

Weight is slowly creeping up - no good! 122.5

B: banana, coffee with cream, whole wheat bagel with butter
L: brown rice, pork, cut up peppers
D: meatball and pasta soup, 2 tiny pieces of breaded chicken, small piece pork, salad

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:43 pm

Yay made it last night without eating for once!

W: 121

B: bowl of raw oatmeal w/ sliced almonds and cinnamon & vanilla soy milk; slice toast with pb, some grapes.

Went to McD's for a coffee after my appt this morning and managed to avoid getting the muffin even though its a better deal

Decaf with cream instead

L: pork, mashed potatoes, avocado

S: 1 naan bread, 1 poptart

, 1 timbit

D: soup, perogies, beef, salad, chocolates

Already screwed up so binged terribly at night. Started innocently with some grapes and 2 rye crackers with natural pb, 1 perogie, 1 chocolate, bowl of cereal. Yikes. I know what happened. I started to obsess about "proper nutrition", got overwhelmed and stressed, and comfort ate figuring I'll start a more healthy diet tomorrow.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Sat Feb 23, 2013 12:54 pm

W: 122.5

B: 2 strips bacon, egg with pepper and spinach, oatmeal with pb and few choc chips, shake made of banana, frozen berries, vanilla soy and juice.

L: spinach salad with nectarine, orange, figs, walnuts in a balsamic vinaigrette; pumpkin seeds & cashews, 1 chocolate

D: homemade veggie pate with crackers, pasta puttanesca, few sips wine and 1/2 a mango.

Sipping on a small latte right now. That's it for today!

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Sat Feb 23, 2013 2:32 pm

Thank goodness tomorrow is always a fresh start. It's like every plate is a fresh start as well.

My beloved friend from down south kindly sent me a care package in the mail of much needed items: ie: capers, great olive oil, jars chili peppers, etc. But he also managed to tuck CANDY in the box. Loose wrapped hard candies, sesame snacks, tootsie rolls.

I was horrified. I never keep that stuff in my house for a reason!! And here I carried the trojan horse myself into my house and innocently opened the box to welcome the invaders. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK! What have I done? And what has he done!!!!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Sat Mar 02, 2013 2:05 pm

Hey No BS, how nice of your friend to send you that stuff! How long have you lived there? Did you move from somewhere else?

Well, going to try very hard to stick to 3 meals of 1 plate only. I feel like I've lost control. I'm steadily maintaining at 122 when I used to effortlessly maintain 5 lbs lower. Shows how binging really messes you up. So hard to get back to where I was.

Breakfast was a delish plate of bacon/eggs/pancakes/fruit/coffee w/ half&half

Lunch was at Hero Burger - a burger and fries. Still full.

Dinner was one plate as well! 1 chicken leg, 3 jumbo grilled shrimp, bean salad, garden salad, 2 potato wedges, 1 bun with butter. Dessert was one donut (didn't pick at the rest like I usually would) and coffee.

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Sat Mar 02, 2013 3:07 pm

Hi Sinnie:

Good to see you back!

Yes, I did move up here a while back from southern Canada.

I admire your self-control in reining yourself in at a 5 pound limit. I suspect the 3-plates will deliver your goal!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:51 pm

Wow, I haven't updated this in awhile. I'm totally preoccupied. This infertility has taken over my life, completely. Poor DH. I'm a wreck most days.

I've been reading about nutrition and have The Fertility Diet. I'm not sure if I will follow that or go more Paleo (one allows whole grains, Paleo is basically meat, veg, fruit, nuts). Since I've also been diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis, I'm wondering if going grain free will help with that. I guess only experimentation will tell...

I feel a little bit funny about all this. It's such a lifestyle change.

My goal is not weight loss at all right now. I'm really just interested in levelling out my hormones and that includes insulin so my regular binges HAVE to stop. Since my goal is different now, I'm finding that no binging is doable. I'll try to eat the absolute healthiest I can which means NOTHING refined or white.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 12:18 pm

Feeling super depressed today. It's the first day back at work after March break, I'm feeling just exhausted, had a fertility appointment this morning and everything just seems bleak.

B: bowl of "cereal" - coconut milk, berries, pumpkin seeds/walnuts and crumbled almond pancake (made from ground almonds and eggs). An organic apple.

L: kale, a leftover rib, fruit n nut bar (I made it with dates, walnuts and pumpkin seeds) and chocolate pudding (made with avocados!, banana, dark chocolate, coconut crystals, dates, and a little whipped cream). Small black coffee (caffeinated).

D: ham, few bites turkey, asparagus, sweet potatoes, squash

Pumpkin latte made with whole milk after dinner. I didn't even like it. I really don't like flavored latte's as I prefer bitter coffee. But I thought I need to use up these little Starbucks packets I've got and the ingredients don't sound TOO bad. Plus, as part of my fertility diet, studies showed an increase when women drank 1-2 servings of whole fat dairy products, in particular milk - but low fat did NOT have the same outcome. So, I needed to get it down in a palatable way. I'll figure something else out tomorrow. Yucky.

Amy3010 · Post by **Amy3010** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 2:56 pm

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so low, Sinnie. It must be very hard to go through this. I'm sending good thoughts your way and hoping things brighten up for you soon.

sophiasapientia · Post by **sophiasapientia** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 2:57 pm

(((Sinnie))) I'm so sorry that things are so rough right now. Sending you wishes for hope and a lovely bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 4:31 pm

Thank you, you two. In reading your comments, it makes me feel this is such a wonderful board. I'm at the lowest point in my life, and your thoughts are so appreciated.

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:06 am

Very sorry things are a downer right now, Sinnie.

I add my voice to the gentle chorus of well wishes speeding your way and hope tomorrow offers better for you.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Mar 20, 2013 3:26 pm

Thank you so much No BS *hugs*

I woke up at 4am because the dog needed to go out. I couldn't fall back asleep and cried for an hour. However, that cloud has lifted and I'm feeling better.

I'm really enjoying, despite my own reservations, this whole Paleo way of eating. It will be interesting to see how it pans out. I'm not at this point making grand resolutions to live this way, but if it helps out my health, I'll be hooked for sure.

B: no oat "oatmeal" (eggs, banana, walnuts, almonds, spices, chia/flaxseeds, coconut milk) with berries. Caffeinated coffee.

L: leftover omelet, asparagus, little spaghetti squash, and an apple.

D: most likely a huge salad with dressing, salmon and fruit?

Anoulie · Post by **Anoulie** » Wed Mar 20, 2013 4:24 pm

Hey Sinnie! I hope you're feeling better by now. Today's food sounds delicious! I wish you and your husband all the best. Hug the dog if you feel down! It helps me a lot.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 3:50 pm

Hey Anoulie! Thank you for the thoughts...I am feeling better today, the doctor's appointment went well but it feels like this is all just a big waiting game. I do love my dog sooo much and hugging her definitely helps

She is the sweetest pup ever!

I have been snacking too much this week, but no binging thank goodness. I really want to get back on three solid meals.

B: leftover "no-oatmeal" with berries. Coffee with cream.

L: cabbage and beef soup, an apple and water.

D:

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:11 pm

I'm kind of feeling like this Paleo way of eating is getting old. I had a small binge yesterday and I my weight has shot back up to 122.5. But it's not really about the weight right now, as I'm inclined to believe it will balance out my hormones and insulin, and presumably help my arthritis (which is currently fine) and my infertility. But I hate not being able to enjoy my meals anymore. Who wants to only look forward to meat, salads and fruit?

Today I screwed up a few times, but reeled it back in. I want to be like the other people on this board who just do it. They dedicate themselves to consistent eating and exercise, day in and day out. Why can't I do that longer than 4 days???

Weight-wise, I'd never done better than when on No S. Truly, it just dawned on me that things fell apart when I started trying to get pregnant and over the months of it not working, now into over a year, I've just completely lost my way.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:24 pm

I should probably post today's eating:

B: scramble made from coconut flour/milk/oil/crystals topped with berries and walnuts. Half and half in my coffee (just alittle)

L: I ate my apple about 45 minutes before lunch, and then had some leftover omelet and beef/cabbage soup. Date/nut homemade bar.

D: mixed garden salad with oil & vinegar; chicken leg back attached and whole grain rotini with butter, olive oil and cheese. Tiny glass of wine.

I felt hungry about an hour or so after dinner and gave in because I remembered I am supposed to drink a glass of whole milk everyday (from The Fertility Diet) and somehow that also included half a banana with almond butter and 2 small squares of dark chocolate. Oh well, could have been worse. That is it.

I am going to walk the dog and also do 14 minutes, just to get in the habit

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Sat Mar 23, 2013 12:02 am

Sinnie wrote:Truly, it just dawned on me that things fell apart when I started trying to get pregnant and over the months of it not working, now into over a year, I've just completely lost my way.

Sinnie, I am so sorry you are struggling with getting pregnant. It must be very difficult accepting that is how it is, for now.

One of the hardest things for me to learn (and continuously relearn) is to accept the things I cannot change and to find joy and purpose in the things I can (no matter how tiny or seemingly insignificant).

It is not an easy thing to do even with almost 54 years of practice.

But that is how I manage not to lose my way.

That and walking the dogs!!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:11 pm

Thank you, No BS. It is true about acceptance, but I'm not there quite yet. I remain hopeful yet pessimistic.

I am gearing up for a week of GREEN. Everything plated so no risk of manipulating the situation.

B: pumpkin waffle (no flour), banana, cup black coffee

L: baby carrots, homemade hummus with chia & flax seeds added in, whole grain crackers, apple and 1 ounce of nuts/seeds.

D: (sooo hungry) Kale and bacon, 2 small pieces leftover prime rib & sweet potatoes, spinach/strawberry salad. 2 mini multigrain pitas with nut butter. Glass of whole milk.

After dinner had a decaf tea.

FAIL: Ended up having a homemade peanut butter chocolate ball. Quite large and sweet. Then had an all-fruit bar. Later on, a dairy free ice cream bar. Then a high fiber granola bar. Oh God.

Cant explain what brought on this binge. I was just so hungry for dinner and couldn't stop.

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Tue Mar 26, 2013 2:30 am

Sinnie wrote: I remain hopeful yet pessimistic.

Good for you, Sinnie! Just because things are the way they are right NOW doesn't mean that is the way they will be FOREVER!! Sometimes things sneak up behind our backs & get all changed around when we are not paying attention anymore & when we least expect it.

I like your menus & the food you eat. It all looks so healthy & delicious!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:45 am

No BS, that is so true, I really believe things happen when they are supposed to (and that's usually when you least expect it!

)

I am really scared by my binge last night. My weight is steadily creeping up and can easily get out of control (123.5 this morning). I had even more than I wrote. Spoons of pb and 1/2 slice of bread with pb (that biggest binge food). I think it's all the extra restrictions and whatnot. Hubby says stop making excuses, you can't continually blame stress, infertility, diets, food etc. I choose not to eat three meals. Period. It's kinda true. Men are so black and white.

Anyways, I'm re-reading the No S diet book. I'm so far gone I don't even know how to do it anymore. I just always feel the need for mods. Being a binger, I don't feel unrestricted S days are good for me. I'll probably stick to the 3 meal structure and have dessert. Sounds good to me.

Okay, breathe, here we go. Since I'm on such shaky ground right now, I'll just focus on one meal at a time, get to the next and just get ONE proper GREEN day.

Breakfast consisted of pumpkin oatmeal (lots of goodness - pumpkin, coconut milk, pumpkin seeds, dried apple, chia seeds, tiny bit real maple syrup).

Lunch was brown bagged but then a friend asked me to go for lunch and I accepted. Had a deli sandwich on a whole wheat baguette and water. Very tasty.

Dinner was whole grain pasta and chicken pieces in an alfredo sauce, small piece of broiled chicken breast w/ bbq sauce, some kale, and a spinach/strawberry salad.

SUCCESS!!! Yay, one day under my belt

I feel like it was too easy today. Don't you love how that works

I wish everyday could feel so effortless with the lack of hunger pains and such. Oh well, let's shoot for another day! I won't get cocky yet though, still a few hours until bed.

Almost forgot about the glass of whole milk I'm supposed to have. It probably wasn't quite a cup, and to make it more palatable (I don't drink the stuff) I added a bit of cocoa powder and tsp of coconut crystals.

Anoulie · Post by **Anoulie** » Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:37 pm

Sinnie, don't beat yourself up over binging. Mark it, report it on your check-in, and move on. It happens to all of us. Your strategy sounds good. Just take a meal at a time -- it'll soon become a green day, a green week, and soon you'll be at 21 days and beyond. I wish you all the best. Don't let stress, diet and infertility consume you. You decide what gets to be "on your mind". Pre-occupy yourself with positive things instead of the negative ones. I know it's hard, but you'll feel so much better if you think a little more positively.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:02 pm

Very wise and true points Katie. I just have to keep chugging along.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:58 am

DAY 2: FAIL

Breakfast was one pumpkin pancake (no flour), leftover oatmeal from yesterday's brekkie, and one mini whole grain pita with cashew butter. Too full to eat my apple, and I feel like if I had it now (ate at 6am now it's almost 8am), it would be too "snacky". Maybe I should put off breakfast until later, but lunch is early at work (11am) so it kinda works. I dunno. We'll see. Honestly, it shouldn't really matter either way. I can't eat between meals. It doesn't matter if I'm hungry.

Lunch was not really filling, but oh well! According to the book, Reinhard says to deal with the hunger (which is not even really hunger compared to what much of the world deals with) and learn from it. I won't die. A milky beverage of sorts is always an option. I've finally learned to lean on that if needed. It's NOT a waste of calories! Anyways, lunch consisted of a whole wheat roti with hummus, some avocado and veg, baby carrots, and an apple.

It really is true that hunger does not get worse and worse until you pass out or something. It sort of comes and goes in waves. But it does not keep getting worse as I always thought. Dinner was delayed by a little bit (I eat early on weekdays) so I had a decaf latte with whole milk (which I would have had anyways on account of my daily serving of full fat dairy). But it certainly kept the hunger at bay until I could eat.

Some funny stuff at dinner but still a success. I had to bring DD to work for 5pm so we ate super quickly. She took most of the pasta not realizing it was for me too. So I had some kale, spinach/strawberry salad, and a bit of chicken alfredo in whole wheat pasta and plenty of cheese on top...but I knew it wasn't enough but given the lack of time I couldnt heat more up so I ate the bit I had and once I came home finished the proper amount with the leftover green apple from breakfast. I think I handled it well.

Really struggling. Oh boy. Not sure what to do.

KL · Post by KL » Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:07 pm

Sinnie - keep racking up those

You CAN do this.

I, too, suffered from infertility (4 miscarriages and a failed adoption). It was one of the most painful seasons of my life. It's hard to really comprehend it unless you've experienced it yourself. But I'm here to tell you, that you can make it to the other side and food is comforting only for a fleeting moment - it's not going to fill up the emptiness that you probably are experiencing.

P.S. We have a beautiful, intelligent, funny 8 year old girl that we adopted as a new born, and I thank God daily for her

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 4:35 pm

KL, thanks for sharing that. It helps to know that other people have also gone through such misery. I feel for you. I just want to experience knowing what it feels like to look at that pee stick and see two lines...sounds silly and weird, but I'm sure you know what I mean. How lovely that you adopted, I'm sure you feel very lucky and blessed.

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 6:01 pm

HI, Sinnie. I wrote you a private message before I knew your whole story. It doesn't change things dramatically, but I'm still going to write you another later. Can't do it right now.

I will say this: life is hardly ever about just one thing, but it can be easy to feel that is it. Trying to find a balance between doing what is necessary to accomplish something important while not losing sight of the big picture is most likely the one thing, if anything is. I'll leave it at that.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:25 pm

Yes, oolala, I do agree with that. I'm working on trying to find that balance. For instance, I just came home and am very hungry, and normally I would just let go and eat because it would make me feel better. BUT, I just made a decaf latte with whole milk and I'll ride it out. It's only an hour and a bit...

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:57 pm

Sinnie wrote: I'm working on trying to find that balance.

All of us fight daily to find & maintain "balance", Sinnie. The true measure of a person, IMHO, is the courage to continue the fight.

Hang in there, sweetie, you have so many people cheering you on!

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:59 pm

Sinnie wrote: I'm working on trying to find that balance.

All of us fight daily to find & maintain "balance", Sinnie. The true measure of a person, IMHO, is mustering courage daily NOT to give up the fight.

Hang in there, sweetie, you have so many people cheering you on!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 12:13 am

Thanks so much No BS. I really struggled tonight. And I gave in. The hunger just got unbearable. The real kicker was I had to make dinner for DH who is coming home late, so I put some frozen wings in the oven. I managed to make it through for awhile, but then caved and ate 5. All is took was one lick off my finger, and I went wild. Then, I had a leftover pumpkin pancake and a peanut butter ball.

I'll stop now, promise, but this binge wants to go crazy.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 12:17 pm

Normally, I would switch plans or adapt or modify based on my binge last night (just to remind - 5 wings, lick of pb, one pumpkin pancake w/ syrup and a peanut butter ball). But, I'm going to face this demon head-on. That's what it felt like. This monster inside of me just screaming and roaring because I was changing the game on him. I didn't fight back hard enough. One day, that monster will walk away defeated and leave me alone.

I didn't have breakfast because 1) I was not hungry and 2) I'm eating dinner later tonight because I'm going to a friend's house. This poses a problem. Let me explain:

I get together with these friends, oh, say, every three months or so. Tonight, the girl hosting always puts out tons of junk and candy and such things rather than real food. So, I'm going to bring along a platter of hummus, pitas and veggies, and my sister said she's going to bring fruit salad. We'd both rather have some nutritious food alongside the junk. But I'm worried about staying on track because this lovely friend is so super sweet and forces you keep taking things! And eat more and more! We'll see, but the one promise I'm making is I won't perma snack there - I usually do - and NO binge when I come home. To continue with my plan, I had a black regular coffee this morning, and then made a decaf latte with whole milk as my food for the morning. Since my lunch comes at 11am, its ok. That way, I can have something before going so I'm not crazy hungry and more likely to eat lots of the junk. Hopefully she'll give us plates. I'll load it up and eat slowly so as not to draw attention to the fact that I'm not snacking. WISH ME LUCK.

SpiritSong · Post by **SpiritSong** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 1:47 pm

Good luck tonight. Remember that while your friend can "force" you to take things, she can't actually force you to eat them. So let her put all she wants on your plate and just leave it there. Eventually she'll figure out that giving you food you don't want means that it will just go to waste. Work on your polite response phrases. "I had a big lunch." "Everything looks so wonderful, but I'm full. I swear my stomach shrank overnight!" or if necessary to bring in the big guns "My doctor told me to cut down on sugar or it will kill me."

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 3:19 pm

Thank you! What great advice. I especially like the idea of just leaving something on my plate.

I am currently eating lunch and it is SO unsatisfying

I brought a whole wheat small tortilla filled with chicken which doesn't seem like its cooked enough. My mixed veggie salad is too bitter and then I just have a pear. Boo. I can't get anything else and this sucks. I am telling myself I really only have one more class in a couple hours and then I can go home and eat my next meal before tonight. I can wait.

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 4:17 pm

Yes, we are sometimes going to have disappointing meals. It's just a few hours to the next one and, in between, life! There's got to something a little interesting in there... Hope you enjoy your class.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 5:02 pm

It's true...time will pass whether I eat or not and less than great meals are just a part of life. I am a teacher and this last class really grates my nerves and are very loud - it's exhausting - but i'll make it through because it's a 4 day weekend starting in 1.5 hours!!!

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 5:13 pm

Oh, I thought it was a class you were a student in. I teach, too, and there are parts of it that I find VERY challenging. It wasn't the best fit for me but I needed some financial security at middle age, so I went for it.

Now that I No S is my style of eating, I find my work schedule normally is very supportive. Some days, the students have shortened days while teachers work in the afternoons. We break for an early lunch, which doesn't work for me so I'm usually eating during our afternoon meetings. Not the worst disruption, and it has proved workable.

Happy Easter!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:38 pm

I agree with the challenging aspect for teaching wholeheartedly. I wanted to quit badly when I started. It's been 6 years now, and I'm more used to it, but don't think I'll ever really feel I'm great at what I do. My school also isn't in the greatest neighbourhood. But some kids are awesome, the hours are good, the pay is nice, benefits fantastic, so I really can't complain

Although I wish we got shortened days!

I am proud of myself. I came home for my 2nd meal (b/c I didn't eat breakfast, had a latte instead of having it after school) and stuck to one plate! I was soooo very tempted to add a pancake just b/c they need to be used up, but told myself there is no room on the plate, plus I should have the other stuff. So I heated up an old chicken breast sitting in the fridge for a couple days, spinach salad, and about a handful of pasta. A tiny glass of OJ. I thought again when it was finished that I'll have JUST that pancake. Something stopped me, and I realized it's like the proverbial devil sitting on my shoulder trying to get me to do something I know I shouldn't. I reminded myself how utterly crappy I'll feel in the morning if I start this now, because I'll be in failure mode and then really do it up at my friend's tonight. 2 meals down, 1 to go...the hardest is yet to come...

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:45 pm

I think at this point it would have been a good idea to fit the pancake on the plate before you started eating. Then if you decided you were too full before you finished the meal, you wouldn't feel as if you missed out.

I've been reading Food Matters by Mark Bittman. I won't do every thing he says. In fact, I think I'm already decently on track for his recommendations. But he said when he first made the choice to change his diet, he would have anything he wanted and as much as he wanted for dinner. The other meals were basically vegan, which he doesn't push totally and I don't, either. Greek yogurt and I have too close a relationship right now! He was more interested in eating a diet that has less environmental impact. He was not trying to lose weight, but did over a period of time. Ellyn Satter recommends when helping children eat better to choose what and when to offer them food but let them choose the amount.

Then again, if you're really sure before you start that it would be too much food and leave you tooooo full, and not because then it wouldn't be a "diet/weight loss" meal, leave it off and keep concentrated on how you are actually very satisfied with what you ate. If you get hungry before bed, you can always have milk, cow or otherwise, and determine if you want to eat about the same amount and see if you get used to it, or eat a little more for now. Your appetite will change and it will take awhile to get sensitive to it.

I don;t mean to take away any pride you had in eating moderately and feeling satisfied! That feeling of hunger and then satisfaction is going to go a long way in counteracting those desires to overeat or binge, eventually. It doesn't mean you won't have the desire in the moment, but that the memory and projection of losing the delight of hunger and moderate satiety will start to loom larger.

OK, I'll stop predicting and let you live it!

No BS · Post by **No BS** » Fri Mar 29, 2013 12:09 am

Sinnie wrote:.....it's a 4 day weekend starting in 1.5 hours!!!

For me too, Sinnie!! And I booked off Tuesday so I've actually made it a 5 day weekend! YAHOO!!! Like you, I too am ready for some quality down time.

Teaching is such a tough job, I have a tremendous amount of admiration & respect for teachers. I'm in my fifties and I still fondly remember the ones who touched me & made a difference in my school life.

Enjoy your days off!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Mar 29, 2013 11:34 am

Oolala, maybe you're right, I should've put the pancake on there. But, I did feel so proud after and the craving totally went away once I exerted some control over it. I guess the issue wasn't that meal, it was at my friend's house. OH MY. Did I ever overdo it. It was SO HARD as it was all snacky foods and she kept bringing more out. So you couldn't fill one plate. My tummy hurts

No BS, enjoy your weekend too! 5 days thats awesome

:D

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:26 pm

Don't worry about it. It might be the kind of event to declare a NWS day for. Have a great N day today and play it by ear this weekend.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Mar 29, 2013 4:05 pm

Yeah, funny you say that, since I was thinking it too. I kinda forgot that this plan allows for it. I mean, an S event was appropriate given the rather rare state of the gathering..it was an S type event with no ability to complete my No S habits as per usual because of the way things were served. I sort of realized that when I was there. Plus, the munchies at her place is part of what makes it fun.

Today may also include an S event. I'm going to someone's house for Good Friday and they are Italian...so they make great food in copious amounts. They also pre-plate the pasta and serve it before the other food. I'll declare it an S-event right now.

Today will probably only be two meals because I had a bigger breakfast (2 pumpkin scones, one piece of bacon, some oatmeal with berries) and we'll be eating early at their house. It will be tons of food so I need to arrive hungry!

KL · Post by KL » Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:49 pm

Enjoy your Good Friday meal

IMHO this is what it is all about -enjoying meals with others with no guilt - just pleasure

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Apr 03, 2013 12:24 pm

Been off track for a few days. Weight is up. It can get out of control SO EASILY. I don't want this to get any more difficult by gaining even more weight.

Will post weight and food everyday.

W: 123.5

UPDATE: I'm such a mess. Had tons of carbs at lunch.

8am: 2 wasa crackers, 2 hard boiled eggs, 1/2 tsp olive oil, some cheese, and a pear. Black coffee.

12pm: pizza bun, McDonald's fruit n fibre muffin and coffee with cream

4pm: chicken cevapcici, salad, frozen veg, mac n cheese

KL · Post by KL » Wed Apr 03, 2013 2:35 pm

Glad to have you back

- the boards are great for accountability

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:36 pm

Thanks KL. I'm feeling incredibly anxious. So, to make a long story short, since I didn't bring enough food for lunch (didn't even eat the cauliflower) I went out to find something. I didn't want to spend a lot of money, so I got a pizza bun. Felt guilty about that because somehow I now believe that refined grains are bad for you. I continued to feel very stressed about other things including guilt that I should be getting work done, and on my next stop got a decaf and fruit n fibre muffin at McDonald's.

How do I convince myself that all foods are OK? I just need to do three meals like I used to. Don't overeat. I weighed 115 then. How did I get caught up in all this nonsense of eat this, not that? I even used to have a small dessert every day without a problem. It seems the harder I try, I more I fail.

I feel stuck and miserable.

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Wed Apr 03, 2013 5:36 pm

Sinnie, give yourself time. Remember that you have hundreds of meals to balance things out in. Eat according to your preferences as often as you can so that when you get into situations in which you don't have access to your best choices, you can eat something else in a relaxed way. This won't happen all at once, but as you get used to eating reasonable portions of everything. We don't have to have ideal food all the time.

KL · Post by KL » Wed Apr 03, 2013 11:47 pm

Sinnie wrote:How do I convince myself that all foods are OK? I just need to do three meals like I used to. Don't overeat. I weighed 115 then. How did I get caught up in all this nonsense of eat this, not that? I even used to have a small dessert every day without a problem. It seems the harder I try, I more I fail.

I feel stuck and miserable.

Ohh, I can so relate to this! When I was a raw vegan, I was involved in a tight community. Had a coach, read a gazillion books, went to workshops, went to weekly potlucks, went on a weekend retreat. I was very immersed. That went on for almost 3 years. It has taken awhile for me to relax around food - still have issues, mind you - but getting much better. I'm having to unlearn a lot

And I can still get caught up in the newest, healthiest and best way of eating (from October to end of February I tried 3 new plans). I have to continue to coach myself that it's okay to have a little bit of X and block out the noise in my head saying that it's not healthy. It's not even about what I weigh - it's about my health - am I eventually going to get some disease it I eat this or that? So, for me, it really boils down to prayer. That is what eases the anxiety that still tends to pop up.

I've been eating cooked vegan food for about 2 or so years now. And recently I've been eating some baked goods on the weekends that have eggs and dairy in them. So, that's the good news - a new habit and behavior is starting to evolve without totally freaking me out. Like oolala said, take your time - you have lots of it

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Thu Apr 04, 2013 9:56 pm

Thanks for your comments guys. It really helps to hear some advice and your experiences. Yesterday went AWFUL. Awful, awful, awful. Weight is up to... gasp... 125. I don't mean to sound petty, but that's a lot for me and a solid ten pound gain. It reminds me how I felt when I carried more weight and I hate it. My clothes feel terrible and to be honest I feel like a failure.

Well, what else is there to do but wake up and keep trying. I contemplated long and hard on which plan to do. I tried counting calories for a couple days but it didn't work. So, I'm back to simplicity. I'm going to be SUPER extra strict about three meals. Reading the book really does help.

It's parent-teacher interviews tonight so I'm here late. I will not eat when I get home. I really wanted to snack on my apple before dinner, because I knew I'd eat it anyway at some point but decided that is bad for my habit. I'm keeping this strict. I know nothing else will help me but getting to a point where it'd be a foreign idea to eat between meals, kinda like how it's foreign to me to have a Coke.

Breakfast was just coffee with whole milk. After yesterday's binge you couldn't pay me to eat.

Lunch was a huge arugula salad with ranch dressing, an egg, and a cheesestring.

Dinner was another huge greek salad, chicken chili and mac n cheese (didn't end up eating that apple, way too full).

KL · Post by KL » Thu Apr 04, 2013 11:17 pm

Good job Sinnie

- get right back up and dust yourself off. One meal at a time - don't have to have it all figured out right now - plate by plate...

Didn't mean to highjack your thread on my reply yesterday - just really relate to what you are going through

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 12:18 pm

Are you kidding, no highjacking at all, I love your comments

Helps me feel less alone in all this mess.

I'm feeling vulnerable and a bit irritated. I feel like all my friends feel sorry for me because of my infertility, while at the same time sort of feel like they're on a high horse because they are fertile. And one has asked me help her mom with her baby shower i.e. I am doing it. This girl lost a baby right after the first trimester (got pg on her first try) and then got pg again quickly. She says that is worse. Being infertile is like losing a baby every month with no glimmer of hope that I can even get pg. And I've been going through this for 1 year and 3 months. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, rant over. I'm not letting it get me down this month. I have an amazing life with my husband and while this sucks, I'm sure it pales in comparison to things some other people must have to deal with.

I am 100% committed to No S. After yesterday's success I am more determined than ever to COMPLETELY STOP MY EMOTIONAL EATING.

Second day of success

B: one slice toast with almond butter and banana slices on top. Coffee with whole milk (maybe 1/2 to 1 cup?)

L: leftover chicken chili with cheese, 1 wing, orange, tiny handful nuts, 1/2 small tortilla with cashew butter and jam, tbsp chia seeds mixed in with small amount of mango juice

D: two chicken thighs, brown rice and blue cheese/almond/cherry spinach salad, pineapple and 4 oz glass white wine.

KL · Post by KL » Fri Apr 05, 2013 11:50 pm

Yay

Good for you for moving on

I could not go to baby showers or walk into baby stores for many years.

You're very brave.

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 1:02 am

Thanks KL

I don't blame you at all for not being able to go to baby showers or the like. At this point, I still believe it's going to happen and I'm not sure if I'm being delusional or what, but that keeps me going, living in this little bubble. I'm starting the injectibles (Gonal F) this cycle, so you never know!

Sinnie · Post by **Sinnie** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 1:52 am

Just planning my breakfast for tomorrow. I've always found for some reason when I feel like eating at night, if I imagine and plan all the wonderful things I can eat in the morning it helps A LOT. And I usually don't end up eating half the things I plan hehehe. But here goes...

Breakfast will be 2 or 3 pieces of bacon, spinach omelette, 1 hashbrown, pineapple and maybe some kind of bread with a little nut butter & jam. Mmmm can't wait

Almost bed time...