Tessytwinkle's check in

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Sun Jul 06, 2014 9:42 pm

Hi automated. Good to be back.
Today good day for a Sunday. Only little bit of sugar in a home made yoghurt. I am really hoping I can keep this sugar reduction up. One day at a time though. I really think if I can control my sugar and nearly eliminate it. Then my out of control eating will ease. Well we shall see!!
Breakfast - watermelon and hazel nuts
Lunch - Home made bread, lettuce from the garden and tomato sandwich. Plus fresh berries from the garden.
Snack I dried peach and some fresh juice
Dinner - baked borlotti beans. Potatoes and broad beans from the garden. Peas and new carrots.
Home made raspberry yoghurt.
Goodness I love this time of year when the garden is fruitful and full of delightful veggies. Who needs sugar ( not me I hope!!)

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Mon Jul 07, 2014 8:51 pm

Good day no sugar wise which is my aim. But ate a lot of dried peaches. So not really a success. Must try harder tomorrow. I have one snack a day at 4ish otherwise just cannot cope. But is meant to be only a small thing.
Breakfast - hazelnut butter and mashed banana sandwich
Lunch - poached fish. Fresh peas. Watermelon
Snack - dried peaches 4 halves
Dinner - cheese jacket potatoes. Large salad with pumpkin seeds. 1 half dried peach. Handful of blueberries.
I must make sure I am not drinking too much juice. To free my body from sugar cravings I need to stop giving it sweet alternatives.
Note to self: Remember Tessy. You need to lose weight and stop inflammation in your joints. Sugar is inflammatory and so is fat round your middle. It's in your hands you can do this. x

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Tue Jul 08, 2014 1:48 am

Might you have eaten two fresh peaches for your snack? If so, then 4 peach halves wouldn't be too much. However, if you're trying to cut down on sugar, could you have two peach halves with a touch of cottage cheese or Greek yogurt? Or with a couple of tablespoons of walnuts?

Did you have any good fat at your lunch? I don't know if your gap between lunch and dinner is long, but I can always tell when I've forgotten to have a decent fat- even just the equivalent of a tablespoon- in my lunch. (I usually pack my own for work.) It makes all the difference in being able to go through the afternoon with no snack, though I just have stevia mocha or latte. And I rarely have to go much more than 5-6 hours.

Not that you asked!

MerryKat · Post by **MerryKat** » Tue Jul 08, 2014 12:34 pm

Mmm, I hear you on too many dried peaches!! I love dried fruit and really have to be strict with myself to avoid eating more than planned.

I love Oolala's idea of cottage cheese or yogurt or walnuts with your peaches to reduce the sugar even more.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:57 pm

Thank you Oolala for such a good tip. I think you are spot on about needing enough good fats. They are also good for my joints.
Merrykat dried peaches are a major weakness for me. I must keep a grip on how many I have.
Today was terrible. Undermined by binge eating sugar candy again. I am infuriated with myself. Had a long chat to friend who is CBT therapist. She said it is to do with comfort when I feel too stressed. It rewards me with a chemical buzz. But it is in fact addictive and poisonous for me. Hmmmm, will have to develop some different caring strategies. Really I only eat badly like this at work. So will concentrate my efforts there. One day at a time as they say.
Breakfast - oatmeal no sugar and soya milk
Lunch - Greek salad, fresh peas, watermelon. Olive oil dressing. Lots of lovely olives.
Afternoon Disaster zone 3 large packets sweet candy, 6 dried fruit halves

Dinner - brown rice, chilli beans, yoghurt, mixed tomato salad. Sugary drink

Note to self - be kinder and turn down the stress volume x

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Wed Jul 09, 2014 6:37 am

Tessytwinkle wrote:Note to self - be kinder and turn down the stress volume x

Agree wholeheartedly!
Check out eschano's LAM (Looking After Myself) category. She tracks it like a No S or glass ceiling habit. A while back she (and a few other posters) made a long list of ways to care for yourself, without food. It's on page 2 of eschano's check in thread if you want to check it out for inspiration.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Jul 09, 2014 11:04 pm

Thank you Ironchef good advice I will check out the LAM idea.
Today complete disaster. I often don't know why I keep posting when I am so unable to keep to the noS rules. Hopeless. Still I will trying to be accountable for a while longer this is my default position now. I know it can work and it makes sense. There are so many brilliant examples here for me to follow. Just need to keep trying.
Breakfast - oatmeal with soya milk. No sugar
Morning snack unintended 2 peach halves
Lunch - Greek salad. Lots of olives and lovely feta cheese.
Afternoon disaster. 3 large packets candy, countless dried fruit pieces. Sickening literally

Dinner - macaroni cheese mashed potato peas. Watermelon

Note to self - you have to care for yourself more. When you are alone and want to binge please don't give up on yourself as though you don't care x

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Wed Jul 09, 2014 11:31 pm

Tessytwinkle wrote:Today complete disaster. I often don't know why I keep posting when I am so unable to keep to the noS rules. Hopeless. Still I will trying to be accountable for a while longer this is my default position now. I know it can work and it makes sense.

Hey, sorry you feel so awful, but you are NOT hopeless. I don't know about "complete disaster" - you ate three decent meals, one small morning snack and got derailed for a while in the afternoon. Having trouble keeping to the rules is exactly why to post: to get support and remain accountable for your actions.

Just a question - plain oatmeal at breakfast, only a salad for lunch, are you perhaps trying too hard to eat small meals? I usually add a few things to my oats (a dollop of peanut or almond butter, some mixed seeds, a dollop of sour cream or greek yoghurt) otherwise I'm hungry before lunch. I can eat a salad as meal, but usually I'll have a slice of bread with avocado on the side or something else to make it a bit more substantial. Anyway, just a thought.

Also, why, oh why are there (multiple!) packets of candy in your house? Or are you at work? Either way, get these bad boys out of your environment if they cause you so much grief. In fact, if the dried peaches are giving you trouble, get them out of the house until S days too. Nothing wrong with a bit of dried fruit, but if it is triggering to you, why not get it away from you for now? I have this problem with dried mango strips (yum!), so I treat them as an S.

You can do this. Hold on to the thought of your feelings of physical discomfort and keep them in the front of your mind when the urge strikes. Urges and thoughts can feel very powerful, but you have power too. Every time you feel the thoughts about eating candy arise and you resist them, you are building your habit of resisting!

Now, go book in a foot massage!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Jul 10, 2014 11:37 am

Ironchef, I cannot thank you enough for your kind and really helpful reply. I really needed it and I grealty appreciated it.

I have taken your advice and I added some flaked almonds to my porridge this morning, so far is working well. I have taken out all food from my work room, including the dried fruit. I bought the candy from the shops at work, so i am going to leave my purse in the car when I go to work so i cannot be easily tempted to go shopping. I need to make my meals a bit more substantial - I was not exactly counting calories but you are right I was not feeding myself enough.

I am trying to build the habit of resiting you are right again

So I shall keep trying and keep posting even it is is painful and embarrassing. Thank you thank you for your support. I am grateful for it and for all the wonderful examples of people's struggle and determination that I see on these pages.

I am doing one meal at a time for now, it is now lunch time and I have not snacked or eaten badly. So I am off to have a nice lunch and then try and last through the afternoon without blowing it again. I truly believe noS is the answer for me, I just have to stick with it.

I have not been able to book a foot massage but I am going to lie in the garden in the sun for a while as I am working at home this afternoon.

Onward

MerryKat · Post by **MerryKat** » Thu Jul 10, 2014 11:42 am

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

You can do this. I agree with Ironchef your meals look very small and very light on the fat & protein side.

I know you say you battle with out the 4th small meal. Try increasing your lunch & see if that will enable you to make dinner. I find if I do not have the opportunity it is be able to resist. I know that I have 3 meals a day and as such anytime snacks 'call' me I can say "No, now is not food time"

Keep posting and keep tracking & you CAN do this!!!

((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Jul 10, 2014 3:51 pm

Oh Merrykat thank you I needed those hugs

I am getting through the day so far, never knew I would need to post several times a day, but today I really need to succeed. So far had nice lunch wholemeal toast and hazelnut butter and yeast extract and 2 peaches.

Was very hungry at 4pm, needed sugar so badly ( well it seemed like it at the time!) and could not stop obsessing about food so decided to have a very small bowl of lentil chips ( bit like crisps but less fat and more healthy) then wait time enough to not want the whole packet. It worked. I really find 4 pm so difficult and that is when I really binge on sugar, so maybe for now I should try this very small non sugar snack and see how it goes, then when I am settled take it out. So we shall see, if it gets out of control or I stray towards sugar then it has to go anyway.

Note to self - baby steps are still steps and they still aim you towards your goal

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Jul 10, 2014 9:36 pm

Phew made it through the day. No sugar or seconds. One very small sugar free snack at 4 pm. Not noS as I would like to do it one day. But a great start to my sugar and binge control. Hooray

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Thu Jul 10, 2014 11:44 pm

Hooray! I knew you could do this!
Really happy to read these posts

Well done Tessy!

I'm pretty sure there are a few posters who had a 4th optional "mini meal" for a while during their hardest gap, until they didn't need it anymore. Well done for choosing something that doesn't trigger you to binge.

Not sure if I missed this somewhere, but do you try the beverage trick at all? Sometimes a nice warm cup of lemon and ginger tea or a refreshing sparkling mineral water with a slice of lime is enough to distract my hands, mind, mouth and taste buds. Even if it is slightly caloric (tea or coffee with milk) it still breaks the snacks habit. When you take out the 4pm snack, try replacing with a drink before dropping it entirely.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Fri Jul 11, 2014 10:26 am

Yay! Well done tessy! A thoroughly deserved green day. I know how hard they are and how great it feels to make it through. Really proud of you!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:48 pm

Dear Ironchef and Eschano. Thank you so much for taking time to support me. It makes me feel part of something special and not alone. We are so often alone with food. But not in a good way it would seem

Ironchef I will try your hot drink idea. It is particularly hard for me when I am at work so next week will be critical.

Today was a difficult day. The anniversary of one of my dearest friends dying. I took time off work and spent it with my other dearest friend, his wife. I did not eat regularly today. That is my friend was a bit random with her food today - understandably and we bought different foods to eat and it spread over more than one meal. So we ate when something was conjured up. However, I am very pleased to say I did not snack and more importantly for me I did not have any sugar. Even though there was cake and I was sad and would usually have comforted myself with sweets of some kind. So, I am glad today is gone. Tomorrow I have planned a hazelnut gateau with mock cream and strawberries. Yum. I hope so much I can return to my sugar resolve on Monday. Here goes

Note to self - life too short to spend it feeling bad about what you have eaten. Be thoughtful and loving in your food x

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Sat Jul 12, 2014 5:18 am

My pleasure Tessy - I've always had a lot of support and helpful advice on these boards, so I'm pleased to have a chance to give something small back.

Sounds like a tough day, but I'm glad you could be there for your friend and honour your loved one together. And good on you for avoiding comforting yourself with sweets. It is hard to sit with and experience that pain without falling back on old habits.

r.jean · Post by **r.jean** » Sat Jul 12, 2014 3:13 pm

Hello!
I have been doing No S for 3.5 years. I bop in and out on this site these days but I read more than I post. I have been trying to post a little more because I think being more active on this site does help keep me on track.

Today I read a lot of your posts. I was reading just new posts but accidentally ended up on page one of your journey. I then skimmed through some other pages. It was helpful to read the posts of someone working through the same stage of life as I am. I want to wish you the best.

I am 58 and am also facing what seems to be an ongoing list of friends and family members who have passed, including some younger than me. I had a challenging career that was becoming too stressful. Luckily I was able to retire. I also am faced with an aging body although I fortunately do not have challenges as serious as you do.

You sound like a courageous woman. Persevere! And Good luck!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Sat Jul 12, 2014 10:18 pm

Thank you Ironchef and thank you r.jean your words are precious to me. R.jean 3.5 years of noS and losing 40lb. Wow what an inspiration that is my goal and you make it seem really possible.
. Yesterday was a sad day but today I have felt much happier and although I have had sugar because it is an Sday I have not felt out of control. I made a lovely cake and enjoyed it. Felt a bit twitchy tonight, a strange feeling almost like I was casting around to see what else I could eat that was sweet before the day ended. Our brains are so weird!! Anyway. Thanks to r.jean I went back and read my old posts. Pretty scary in places and rather sad in others. But I realise I have learned so much from everyone's kind and thoughtful replies. I have also been dogged by the same damaging behaviour. Work is a real puzzle for me. It is very demanding and frequently stressful. It is where I come undone every time. Yet I cannot yet afford to give it up. However, I am in the process of trying to reduce my workload and lower my stress. Rereading my posts has convinced me of the urgent need to do this. I feel very determined today and even feel a 21 day challenge coming on. I have never managed this. But here goes. The challenge starts now

Note to self - be bold about this. You have 21 days. Don't over think it. Just do it. If you succeed you will be so happy x

r.jean · Post by **r.jean** » Sun Jul 13, 2014 2:28 am

You can do it!

MerryKat · Post by **MerryKat** » Mon Jul 14, 2014 3:14 pm

Well Done Tessy on all your successes this week in the face of some difficult circumstances.

Every little achievement is a HUGE step forward!!

((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Mon Jul 14, 2014 8:28 pm

Thank you so much r.jean and MerryKat. Support is so sustaining.
Today a good day. Success for day 2 of my 21 day challenge. I feel good about today. No sugar and no snacks. Ironchefs suggestion to add more to my plate has helped me especially at breakfast.
Breakfast - porridge, soya milk mashed banana and hemp seeds
Lunch - apple, cheese, sugar snap peas, lentil chips and nectarine.
Dinner, potato salad, mixed salad, salmon. Bread slice with yeast extract.
Tomorrow will be the real test, I will be at work on my own under pressure. I usually cave in at about 4 ish. I must not this time. I really want to do my 21 day challenge.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:42 am

You can do it Tessy! This is an opportunity to practice oolala's advice: be tough on yourself BEFORE the behaviour.

Don't wait until afterwards and then use energy unproductively to beat yourself up. Channel your energy into resolve and away from guilt.

Take that small step towards changing what you "usually" do. I'm looking forward to reading your update about how well you did with your work day.

MerryKat · Post by **MerryKat** » Tue Jul 15, 2014 11:27 am

Oh Wow!!! Congrats on the no snacks / sweets!!!

Yippee!!!!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue Jul 15, 2014 6:47 pm

Hang in there Tessy!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Tue Jul 15, 2014 10:23 pm

I am ashamed to say I failed badly today. I managed until late in the day. I was very very busy at work and increasingly stressed. Then I started bingeing. I have been working under extreme pressure until about 11 pm tonight. Only just stopped and will be under pressure again in the morning. I don't believe I will ever succeed at this while I am working and I cannot afford to stop working until my home is secure.
I am ashamed to receive such kind wonderful support. It means so much to me and yet I still give way. My own health is severely under threat if I do not lose weight but I cannot.
So no longer sure what to do. Like Linda I started a year ago. But I have failed repeatedly. I do not even think I can be called a noSer as I fail all the time.
I am not sorry for myself just utterly defeated now. Not sure where I go from here. I know so many people on this board pick themselves up and carry on again and again. But I have also done this for a year. Publicly and privately.
I just can't do it. Maybe I just don't care enough about myself. Who knows. I am now scared. Because writing this I realise that without trying noS I really have nothing left to try.
Sorry miserable post.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 3:16 am

Middle of the night. Tried to delete previous post - can't!!
Oh well. Have now stopped feeling sorry for myself. Try again today. I realise I had lasted well until I got under extreme pressure at work. I must try to manage my stress at work better. This is such a big issue in my life. It will take a while.
Frustrating and infuriating though.
What went well (WWW) - my breakfast is now regular and steady no sugar and sustaining. I am making it to lunchtime without any snacks or sugar. So I am a half a day noSer !!!!
Forget 21 day challenge. Will try to advance a bit at a time.
So today I am aiming to get past 4 o'clock so I must try to last till 5 pm. I am going to crawl along one hour at a time if need be. For a while this will be my measure of success.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 3:58 am

Tessy don't delete your post. It's truthful & real and it's ok to be struggling! I'm struggling too because as much as I want to not want to lose weight I still want it if that makes sense. I'm not losing and it sucks but I have to re-group & get real with myself.

I don't think you're failing because you don't care enough about yourself. I think that the relief you get from eating when you're stressed from work is greater than any pay off you feel you can get from sticking to NoS right now.

I know you've heard this a million times before but if you really want to make this work you have to focus on building habit first. Pile your plates, drink between meals and once your habit is firmly in place you can tweak the what part of your eating & try to get your weight to where you want it to be. That's where I am now. Strong habit but no weight loss so the tweaking begins.

This weight loss stuff is so frustrating I know but we owe to ourselves to find a solution. Everyone deserves happiness even us!

Hope tomorrow is better!

Linda

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 4:35 am

"I don't think you're failing because you don't care enough about yourself. I think that the relief you get from eating when you're stressed from work is greater than any pay off you feel you can get from sticking to NoS right now"

Oh goodness Linda. You have so nailed it for me. Thank you. You are right. It is such a physical and psychological relief when I eat. It is that feeling that I crave. Not the food which is often rubbish food.

Thank you so much for your kind post. You have as always been so honest and insightful. I will keep trying to focus on habit. Eat whatever I want at lunchtime. Make sure I have enough. Build habit. Then try to lose weight. I do need to lose weight. But that is never going to happen at this rate! Something has to change and habit change should be the answer. I realise it is such a strange approach for me because really all I know every day is that I fail to lose weight and I fail to control my eating. To let that go and just eat whatever so long as I only do it three times a day is actually completely radical for me, and scary too I suppose.

Thank you Linda.

r.jean · Post by **r.jean** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 1:23 pm

I am not sure why I was finally able to lose weight starting No S at 54 with a life time of poor eating habits behind me. Like others, I urge you to just stick with the basic rules and stay away from the scale. Bring sanity to your eating. Pile those plates high if you need to. Once you get the habit focus on more nutritious food choices if you need to.

Hang in there!

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 8:12 pm

Hi, Angel-girl!

What does your CBT friend say about a tendency to "terribilize" and criticize yourself for your eating behavior? I gently suggest that that is a more important habit to change than your eating, at this point. It creates more stress and undermines your relationship with yourself. It is a very common tactic for humans to try to shape themselves up with upbraiding after a slip, but it is NOT effective. Habit theory and psychology studies show us this over and over. Being a little "tough" BEFORE the act and compassionate AFTER slipups is much more successful in getting us to change habits and certainly more fun! Bearing the stress of not doing the eating IS valuable. Bearing the stress of berating ourselves for eating is NOT valuable because it is counterproductive. Rewarding yourself any little way you can for either forgoing unnecessary eating OR for forgiving yourself quickly also adds to the new habit behavior.

I skipped over a few of your most recent posts, but it does sound like you've been making progress.

I am in your exact boat with work. It has been a terrible source of stress for years, yet I did not want to go back to the stress of living on an extremely limited budget, which I did for more than a decade before I got into my line of work. When I'm teaching, even after 4+years on No S, I still get an urge to eat every afternoon after the students are gone. This last spring, I started to have a lot of slipups. It doesn't take long for that old brain pattern to reassert itself. I've been lucky to have the summer break, but we go back this coming Monday. I've been taking a course on dealing with anger and that is helping me see how much my thinking contributes to my stress. I've seen it to some degree for years, but being able to see things differently enough to imagine making changes has taken quite awhile. I am having to admit that I am actually rather helpless to solve some of the bigger problems associated with the situation, and yet that doesn't mean I have to quit. Or I might find out that it really is untenable and I end up retiring early and worrying about money. But i don't have to get all caught up in that today, either!

I thought I had learned a lot of these lessons. Oh, well. The truth is I get to spend a lot of unstructured time, and filling that can be part of the problem. I think in the back of my mind I should be able to figure out during these unstructured times how to solve these problems, but that hasn't happened.

No matter what, I can never go back to believing that I HAVE to eat because I'm stressed. I can CHOOSE go to go ahead and do it sometimes. And I can always go back to eating sanely. It's always only one meal away.

And I've lost all my weight without a lot of exercise since I started at age 56. I'll be 61 in September. I'm still thicker than some, but sanity is a bigger goal.

Keep going!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 9:22 pm

Thank you for your kind support r.jean. You are right of course I must stick with the basics.
Dear Oolala. When a wise friend you are to us all. Thank you for taking the time to really try and understand where I am coming from. My work I know is so problematic for me. I was off sick and in pain for quite a while earlier this year and when I went back I was so determined to reduce my stress levels. Essential if I am to deal with my chronic joint pain. But back at work I find we all have far too much work. Admin support has been cut. Students are more demanding. We are expected to do research, write articles, teach and manage increasingly demanding administrative roles. It's a nightmare really. But at this time in my life it is the only job I feel able to do. For many reasons. Not least that there are parts that I enjoy. What I don't enjoy is the constant pressure and feeling I am always behind. I seem to be able to cope with this until the afternoon. When I suspect I get too tired to manage my health. My energy gets low. I crave comfort. You are right. If only I could feel as bad before I ate as I do after. I might be able to stop myself! I must just keep trying.
Oolala you and r.jean really encourage me to believe it is not too late to change and ultimately to lose weight. Wow. Just imagine if I could change my eating and be more in control of myself at work. You are right Oolala. That would be even better than losing weight. I will think carefully about this
Thank you

P.S being called Angel girl was the nicest thing to happen to me all day

Oh nearly forgot, Today disaster. But not until 4.30 so advancing a little!!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 10:33 pm

Ooooh I like the idea of just pushing your breaking point a little bit further each day even if it's only by one minute. I think it's important to meet yourself where you are. I was following mark bittman's part time vegan plan for awhile & I thought it was so smart of him to do vegan for his first two meals but not his last. So much more realistic & doable right?

Could you maybe try nos till 430 but not after? Maybe it would be easier to do nos on the weekends & till 430 on the weekdays? Anyway I guess my point is to get creative & realistic about what you can/will do then you can slowly push yourself a little more as you get stronger. Remember how I realized I couldn't give up my mochas & stick to NoS? I had to be realistic but now I'm feeling closer to being able to give that up during the week. I've switched to sugar-free mochas & can see going to coffee w just milk at some point.

This is a process and it's important to take the long view. Think about where'd you like to be in a year? If you continue down this path of chaotic eating for the next year you probably will still feel frustrated & defeated as well as probably not losing any weight. On the other hand if you stick with NoS by piling those plates & relying on beverages between meals, you will gain a sense of peace & confidence with your eating even if you haven't lost any weight. Like I said before, at that point you tweak things & focus on weight loss if you want.

Sorry to be repetitive & long winded Tessy but am just really pulling for you!!

I still have a long way to go on my journey as well but I think it's worth it and thank goodness we have this amazing support from this board.

Linda

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Wed Jul 16, 2014 10:51 pm

Not a disaster. Just an old habit. That's all it is. It is not a crime, nor proof of your weakness or inferiority, or anything else. Your eating is not YOU! Your thoughts about yourself are also not YOU. They are likely not even accurate descriptions of you. Your negative thoughts about yourself are just also old habits. They are likely the result of the food in your system, having been paired many times before. (They also make it more likely that you will binge again at a later time. They complete the binge cycle. Anything that completes the binge cycle makes it more likely to be repeated. Anything that interrupts the cycle- before, during, or after it- weakens it. It's just that simple. Not personal.)

I'm sorry work is so troubling, and I believe all the pressure. (Public school gets harder every year, too,it seems to me, especially in English. We are expected to solve so many problems and teach so many skills!) I think work is problematic for a lot of people. I have a theory it is even more so for introvert temperaments because so much of work is geared for extroverts. Extroverts have a much easier time rolling with other people's punches and need less to be with people of like mind. Most public school teachers are extroverts, it seems to me. I'm on the cusp, I think. It is NOT a good marriage, but there weren't a lot of good options when I made the choice. I stand by it for now. BTW, I am taking a 20% pay cut to teach one less hour a day. I hope it will help to balance me. I"m lucky to have the option.

I was at a retreat a few weeks ago at which one of the participants told me she was working a high stress job and was rushing around in her car one afternoon when she distinctly heard a voice say to her, "You can quit or die." Bizarre, huh? She quit. She had to move in with her mother and sister, but so far, she's not sorry. And she was grateful that she could do it. It could be even worse.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Thu Jul 17, 2014 3:19 am

Tessy, well done on sticking to No S between breakfast and lunch! For the other stuff, I think oolala is spot on and I don't really have much to add to her excellent advice.

Personal story time (warning - long!):
In 2010 I worked an incredibly stressful job and had one of the hardest years of my life. I ran a big project, worked every day of the week, sometimes long hours, went offshore where I worked 14 hr days, plus wake ups during the night shift if they needed a decision made. I cried about work at bed time almost every day for half a year. At the same time my husband went through an incredibly difficult time in his job (as a public school teacher) and ended up on stress leave and later quitting.

I ran on adrenalin, was sometimes scared someone would be injured or killed, slept badly, ate badly. I got cold sores, headaches, colds. Sometimes my to-do list got so long I would just stare at it like a rabbit in headlights: so much anxiety that my productivity dropped to nil, all that adrenalin triggering a "fight or flight" response that froze my brain. I did no exercise, poured coffee and sugar into my system, gained weight and felt like rubbish.

About 6 months in we had a total technical disaster and lost about 14 million dollars, delaying the job by a further 6 months. And I had a kind of epiphany: I realised that me feeling like rubbish and treating myself like crap did NOTHING to help the job. It didn't make me more productive (in fact less so), it didn't fix technical problems, or make the schedule or budget less tight. All it did was make my life and health worse, while not improving the project one iota.

Did everything change at once? No, of course not, the job was still high pressure and difficult. But I made some significant changes: I decided I would not get to the office before 7am, and I made a promise to myself to cap the number of hours I worked in any week. I started eating better and dropped my caffeine consumption. I wrote out a 15 minute exercise and stretching routing that I could do in a confined space, that I did every day on waking, whether at home or offshore living on a boat. I would not attend morning shift handover meetings until I had done my 15 minutes. People hassled me a bit when I first made these changes, but they soon got used to what I would and wouldn't do and in some cases I think respected me for standing my ground. The second half of the year I was just as productive, in fact more so, and I felt 200% better about my life.

Tl;dr version - you have nothing to lose and much to gain by taking care of yourself, most especially when work is demanding.

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Thu Jul 17, 2014 4:03 am

I've been mulling over a lot about my job. One thing I had realized at the end f the school year. I had three students who were in English and history classes with me last year. I worried about them, tried to monitor them, offered them help every day, kept giving them cues to get on task, frowned, cajoled, smiled, etc. It made no difference at all. Among the three of them and the six grades, there were 5 F's and one D. I'm not sure what I should be doing, but I know all the worrying and feeling variously angry, sad, anxious, etc didn't help. I have to find a way to "hold" things differently.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Thu Jul 17, 2014 7:34 am

oolala53 wrote:I have to find a way to "hold" things differently.

When you find the key to this, I'll pass it on to my husband! He found teaching very hard and seemed to be always walking the line between caring enough to stay motivated versus caring too much resulting in anxiety and sadness. In the end I'd say he cared too much, hence the stress leave.

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Fri Jul 18, 2014 6:34 am

Hi! I read through some of your posts, and my heart goes out to you. I, too, have struggled to lose weight. I have very slowly, but surely lost weight over the past 3 years, but it has been very hard. Also, while I most identify with No S, I am not at the point of being a true No Ser (I'm still struggling with sweets). In addition, I suffer from chronic joint pain, so I understand some of your health issues. Anyway, you can do it!

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Fri Jul 18, 2014 8:08 pm

ironchef, one thing I will hold in my mind, and this is not ideal, but probably realistic, is what a colleague at another campus told me is his outlook: if "they" really wanted students to succeed, they wouldn't set up the system the way they do. As things are, we really can't expect to produce the results intended, though those damn exceptions are out there. I figure they are like the latest miracle diet. Nice hype, but good only for the minority.

This also may sound defeatist, but I've been listening to Freakonomics (a few years late) just because a friend was, too, and it's reported some interesting findings on student test scores. Now, the researchers often weren't specifically looking at teacher effects, but it's quite chilling outside of that what student achievement depends on. It has a lot to do with the parents, but not actually with what parents do, but with how educated they are. A lot of the things we thought were helping and we wish were helping aren't helping. But the good news for me is that I can calm down a little, worrying that it was all my fault and that these kids' futures were being ruined because I couldn't get them interested in getting educated. I'm going to be thinking this year of how I can encourage the kids to work the margins. Instead of my feeling despair that they aren't raring to go, I'll see if I can get even a little improvement a month at a time. More like No S, but easing into the three S's. And it's a place for me to practice dismantling irrational expectations I have in general.

I don't know how old your husband is/was, but I would VERY much caution any young person thinking of entering the profession to really examine him/herself to determine temperament. It is the rare subjective/introvert who will be happy teaching public school, I'm convinced, and s/he can destroy her spirit trying. I also tried to talk a college friend out of it. He did it anyway, but isn't working in it now and actually fell into a great job for him in duties, if not pay and longevity.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Fri Jul 18, 2014 11:18 pm

Goodness so much to think about. Thank you all. I have had two very difficult days of pain and now exhausted. I am hoping that the weekend will see me through and next week I can start to put into practice all of your incredible advice. I have never felt so supported - or so understood - as I do now. This is a true blessing and I shall draw great strength from it.
Oolala. Teaching is such a consuming and often stressful and painful profession.
I know I often get too anxious and connected with my students. But equally I know that for many young people having a teacher who really cares can make a real,difference at times. However. The administration and extra demands are turning many of us away. I am too old to change this part of my life and too short of money to stop yet. So I must endure and make the most of the rewarding moments and try, try to cut down my work where and when I can. I do so hope your one hour less teaching works for you. From your posts I feel I would love to be taught by you. And of course you are doing just that - thank you

Ironchef. What a powerful insight you have given me. Into your life and by reflection into mine. Yes I need to carve out some time for myself each day and make people respect it. I will think this through over the weekend.
Linda to have you 'pulling' for me is a great gift. Thursday I made it to 5.30. So I am slowly creeping along. Feeling like I have made some headway. Today not brilliant but I am off sick and in a lot of pain. Hard to eat carefully. But I feel clearer in my head and hopeful for next week.
Clarinetgal Thank you. You give me great comfort. Bad joint pain is a miserable thing. I get very fearful at times. I have been told I could become completely disabled in a few years. That puts pressure on me to lose weight as that will help. But instead of losing weight I seem to lose the plot

I have an autoimmune disease so all of my joints are inflamed when things are in flare up. Stress makes all of this worse. So I must keep trying to calm it all down a bit. Thank you for giving me courage and hope.
Well the weekend beckons and I am very very determined to keep going. I'm aiming to get past 6 o'clock next week. Maybe even get some proper green days in

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Sat Jul 19, 2014 4:59 am

Tessytinkle and oolala, I was a teacher before my kids were born, and I will probably go back when my kids are older. Tessytinkle, My joint pain stems from a vascular malformation in my right leg, and based on what I read in the MRI report, I think I have some arthritis from it. My doctor's appointment is on Tuesday, so I'm hoping I'll get some more answers. Anyway, I also have felt more pressure to lose weight, because I'm guessing it will help.
You can do it!

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Sat Jul 19, 2014 10:44 am

Tessy, I'm pleased to read that you are edging that time back later every day, baby steps will still get you there!
Best wishes for a happy weekend

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 7:01 pm

Monday - bingeing as usual
Tuesday - bingeing as usual.
Not much else to say

I am ruining my relationship, my health and my body. I'm not sure how to break through this. It's like I just don't care enough about myself or my loved ones. Tomorrow I go to another funeral of a dear friend. I hope like a ritual blood letting that this will release whatever has driven me so totally out of control over the last few weeks.
Start again tomorrow. Don't want to have such negative postings. I would like to be rejoicing in my noS compliance and my newly ordered eating. But I am making myself be publicly honest in an attempt to stop hiding the fearful mess I am in.
Anyway, that said I am off to read the testimonials and try to inspire myself again.

Can you really lose weight and keep it off when you are sixty? Not sure. Perhaps I have given up on a deep level. Who knows. Will try again tomorrow. Just one green day would be a triumph now

r.jean · Post by **r.jean** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 7:21 pm

Starting again tomorrow just gives you an excuse to eat poorly the rest of today. Start again right now.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:45 pm

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 11:15 pm

Firstly, hugs to you, and good on you for starting fresh now, not tomorrow. r.jean had a great point.

2 red days are just 2 red days. In April I had I think 7 of them. I know it doesn't feel like it at the time, but it doesn't say anything about who we are. We're not bad people, or failures, and we care deeply about our loved ones; whether we lose weight or gain it those things remain true.

As recently as 14th June, you posted about having a really good day, so I think perhaps your negative frame of mind is making you see things as worse than they are. Certainly weeks of "totally out of control" is not what I'm reading here.

Good wishes Tessy!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Jul 23, 2014 5:19 am

Thank you Ironchef you are right I have been feeling very negative. But thinking a lot and trying to find a way through. After reading your post I looked carefully at my habitcal. I am monitoring three things. NoS, exercise and painkillers. This month I think I have done really well on my exercise with over half of all days showing exercise compliance. So good habits developing. My noS compliance has been poor, last month only 5 green days, this month only 4 green days so far. This is not good enough. But I keep trying. Something will shift soon.
But the most exciting thing for me is that this month over half of my days show no painkillers or anti inflammatories taken. This is a really big deal for me. My joints are pretty much continuously painful but my level of pain and how I manage it is really improving. I am managing to cut down my stress, take some good supplements and keep my joints moving through exercise. So that regime is starting to work. I am delighted. It is very important that I keep this disease damped down. The piece still out of place in my health regime jigsaw is careful food control to lose weight and reduce generalised inflammation. These are essential for me not optional so I must keep trying to get the noS in to line.
I read some research articles yesterday about weight loss and weight maintenance in older people. It seems that weighing every day really helped both. I know this is controversial and many people prefer not to weigh at all. But this was good clinical evidence and I shall try it. It may keep me on track and focused a little more.
Here's hoping for a good day today. It is going to be a sad day. But I really need to stay in control of my eating.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Wed Jul 23, 2014 6:48 am

That is great news on the medication and exercise fronts - well done! Changing a lot of habits at once is extra hard, so it's not surprising that it might take a while for compliance on all aspects to come together.

I'm really sorry about your friend, and I hope today isn't too hard.

For a long time I weighed every day and calculated a moving average. The averaging kept me from over reacting to the day-to-day changes (from water retention, etc), but the daily habit kept me honest and focused. I stopped because my scales broke and I never bothered to replace them. Some posters have reported that they are negatively affected by the scale and that's why they stay away. There isn't one way that suits all - do what works for you.

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Wed Jul 23, 2014 7:03 am

Tessytinkle, I'm very sorry for your loss.

It sounds like you are making great strides, in terms of developing good habits. I'm very glad your pain management routine is working for you. I know in my case, regular exercise definitely helps ( as long as I'm careful). My mom was around 60, when she started working on losing weight ( she just turned 62). Her eating is pretty compatible with No S! I think she eats twice a day, and she generally does not eat after 4 PM. She reduced the size of her meals, and she usually just has 1 or 2 dishes of frozen yogurt during the weekends, for her sweets. She does not get much exercise, because she works 60 hours a week. She has lost 20-30 pounds over the past two years, and she looks great!

I'm just sharing this, to say that you can do it.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Wed Jul 23, 2014 11:42 am

Well done on the painkillers! what a great success!

Of course you can still lose weight but maybe given the stressful situation and the fact that you're on three habits at the time it will be the last habit to click in place. No worries 4 days are green 4 days and I guess 4 days you wouldn't have had previous to NoS so another victory! You'll get there!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 8:34 pm

A bad fail today. Still getting over yesterday's funeral I think. Ate ok in the morning but collapsed in the afternoon then had very tearful talk with my partner about how bad I felt about myself and how much food I was eating. It was good really to get it out in the open. I'm still trying. It'll stick soon. I realise I have been dieting and feeling bad about myself for over 45 years. Crazy huh!!
Have got nice app Happy Scale. Which I have set for my weight gonna weigh every day and see if I can get a downward trend going. Plus bring in milky drink for the afternoon. I saw on another post that sweetened hot milk is allowed. Mine would have all soya milk and probably two teaspoons of sugar. Hope that is ok. I am hoping it will bridge me through the afternoon.
Clarinetgal thank you for the example of your mum. It was really encouraging. Eschano and Ironchef. Thank you for your support it means a lot. Sorry I never really seem able to use everyone's advice to good enough effect. But I always try. Let's see how tomorrow goes.

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 11:51 am

All you can do is keep trying. I think the milky drink should be fine.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Sat Aug 02, 2014 7:54 pm

Horrible week. Now trying again. Need the accountability. Trying to just do it not overthink it.
Breakfast - peaches, hazel nuts and frothy soya milk with sugar
Snacks in the day - apple, olives, plum. Fresh peas
Lunch - tomato and lettuce sandwich with Mayo, half cheese sandwich
Dinner - panzanella salad with olives
Treat - pancakes
Next week I really want to get this right.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Sat Aug 02, 2014 11:11 pm

Enjoy the rest of your weekend tessy, and here's to a better week!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Sun Aug 03, 2014 9:19 pm

Thank you ironchef.
Steady Sunday today. Nothing too excessive. Still getting too tired and a bit stressed. Need to work on this. The week ahead is a major challenge for me. I really want to get noS right this week. Something has to change. I am unhappy and putting weight on. So time to get the vanilla habit

One day at a time

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 8:33 pm

Hi Tessy!

Hope you're week went okay.

Linda

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Tue Aug 12, 2014 9:44 pm

Oh dear. Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail , fail.......... Really I wonder what I am doing here. I feel a fraud even posting and pretending to do noS. I seem incapable at the moment. But I also know this is my only chance. So I just keep trying. Every morning I recommit. Every day I stumble and fall. Something must change soon. I need a green day so badly. Just to cheer myself on. Try again tomorrow. Can't stop crying tonight. I feel so useless. Why do I care more about bingeing on a packet of chocolate biscuits than I do about my kids. My grandchild. Myself..... It's weird. But such a powerful urge to destroy myself. My health is getting worse. I am getting fatter and fatter. Ah well. I must keep trying. Tomorrow I will post exactly what I am eating. Accountability in a public place. Maybe that will work.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue Aug 12, 2014 10:08 pm

*hugs*hugs*hugs* keep posting even though you're struggling because writing about may help you to finally unravel the problem.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Tue Aug 12, 2014 11:10 pm

Thinking of you tessy and hope you have a good meal next meal! You're only ever one meal away from green, whatever the past week has been.

Don't be afraid to keep posting - if you feel you're about to crack, come post instead!

I know it's hard when you feel miserable, but be kind to yourself. Food is not a crime, there's no need to punish yourself. You're a worthy and loving person. Perhaps imagine this is a tough assignment and you are trying to encourage a student who is struggling - what would you say? I'm sure it would be kind and constructive.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 3:53 am

Thank you, thank you Linda and Ironchef. I have woken up very early. Read lots of posts. Feel enthused and determined. Today may just be the start of something good. Yay

Over43 · Post by **Over43** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 4:03 am

Keep going Miss Twinkie. Even when I am in a two month funk I try to post occasionally. Sometimes I'll just post a workout. Today was a success, the first in awhile, so I posted it.

It is the journey.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:35 am

Thank you Over43, and well done on your success

I have decided to try and post throughout the day today to try and keep myself on track, I really need a green. Last night read lots of posts, I realise that the NoS book is the foundation, our corner stone, but there is a whole library and world of experience on these boards, that makes NoS a living, adapting and developing resource - brilliant.

Breakfast - 2 boiled eggs, a peach and some watermelon, cup of hot half and half grape juice
Exercise Swam for 25 mins

Midday update - I am having a bad day!! Feeling very like eating some biscuits to comfort myself - aaaargh.
Will try to hang on for a little while then have lunch - I am already anxious about getting through the afternoon

lunch update - sweetcorn with butter, large slice of sourdough bread and butter, tomato, seaweed snack and some fig and almond bar. Weird lunch really but that is all I had in today.
That's it now, I must get through to dinner - NO BISCUITS, NO CHOCOLATE, NO NONSENSE!!
I really want a green. Grrrrrrrr

Ok, now had a hot fluffy soya milk drink with some sugar in it - I think that is allowed? It has been comforting, although I am struggling a bit now. Must keep going

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 1:20 pm

Go Tessy! You can do it.

If the afternoon gets tough, remember to get yourself a yummy hot (or cold) drink. Sometimes a tea with milk or a nice herbal tea with honey will get me past the tricky times.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 2:00 pm

Remember to pile your plates & have milky drinks in between. Habit first and then you can build from that. Good luck! Also it's great you pinpointed that you need comfort. Now come up w a list of alternative ways to comfort yourself if you can.

gl!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 3:20 pm

Thank you so much Iron and Linda, it is weird checking in like this but somehow very encouraging - Hot drink is being tried!!

Linda we are the same weight

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 7:16 pm

Hey whatever you need to get through! Make sure you have something yummy to look forward to. It really helps me to know I have something delicious just a couple hours away & in the meantime I have something soothing to drink. As long as I can have *something* I'm good.

Linda

ZippaDee · Post by **ZippaDee** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 7:45 pm

Rootin' for ya over here!! You got this. I think I am going to stop and get myself a flavored water when I take my daughter to practice here shortly.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 11:25 pm

Good work Tessy!

Just a note to say I agree with Linda - fill up those plates a bit while you are building a strong habit. If I had 2 eggs and a piece of fruit for breakfast (and then went swimming!) I'd be ravenous before lunchtime.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Aug 14, 2014 7:48 am

Well I nearly made it, but ended up eating lots of jam of all things late in the evening, plus lots of dried peaches ( a favourite of mine) I rarely eat out of control in the evening it is afternoon or early evening that I am at my worst so I am infuriated with myself. I wanted that green, but clearly not quite enough

On reflection I did well during the day and had some very wobbly times but got through them. The hot drink in the afternoon was very comforting and tided me over the worst time. I think you are right - Iron and Linda, I probably need to eat more when I do eat. I think I am subconsciously still dieting a bit, but it is hard not to when you have been told you must lose weight! Also I never feel really hungry for breakfast and I have only just started to look forward to it at all. I never feel like much but am making myself eat as much as I can. I need perhaps to eat more at lunch time at work and make sure I have enough for dinner. Wise advice as always thank you

So today is another day here we go - this is going to be a green day and then I will need many more, Linda you have reminded me it is about establishing habit - I think I forget that!

Breakfast - scrambled eggs and mushrooms and fruit. Hot grape juice.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Thu Aug 14, 2014 10:37 am

Good effort yesterday tessy, and good luck today!

If you are not hungry for breakfast, why not wait and eat a later brekky when you feel like a meal? I don't know what your work schedule looks like, but these days I get up around 6:30am, get my son up, dressed and fed, then cycle to work, shower and change. Only then am I really hungry for breakfast and I really enjoy it (at about 9 or 9:30am). I push lunch back also, and it really cuts down on the long afternoon wait between lunch and dinner.

Anyway, just something to ponder.

Skelton · Post by **Skelton** » Thu Aug 14, 2014 5:15 pm

Hello Tessy, I hope today is going better for you.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:45 pm

Yeah I know it's tempting to start off with smaller meals but I think everyone has to start out with piled plates. Unfortunately, I don't think it's a step that can be skipped. Once you have the habit in place, you can tweak it as much as you feel comfortable with.

As far as your doctor is concerned, it's a little annoying that they're pressuring you so much to lose weight. Losing weight may or not help your situation but given the stark reality of the near impossibility of weight loss, they need to be managing your situation regardless of your weight. It's not like you don't have the desire or drive to lose weight. It's just incredibly hard. Obviously or else there'd be a much higher success rate, right?

I mean it'd be easier to manage a patients health if the could just get rid of that immune disorder problem but doctors don't tell them they must get rid of it. They work with it.

You probably will lose weight with NoS but it may be incredibly slow so I urge you to find alternative ways to manage your health issues for now. And hopefully you can find a health provider to support you with that goal.

Anyway I think you did great yesterday you made it much further than you have before so focus on that. I know you will get a green day soon! Just keep getting back on that horse!

Linda

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Aug 14, 2014 9:18 pm

Thank you everyone for your wise and kind support. I wish I deserved it. I'm retiring to lick my wounds. I have read many many posts and although people often struggle and have bad days. There are few people like me who really do not seem to be able to even get one green day under their belt. I don't really know what this means. I have so much wonderful support at home and on these boards. NoS is brilliant, the perfect way to be when I see it working for people I am so pleased for them. When I read testimonials I am inspired. But the reality is I have a very bad case of disordered eating and no matter how much I want to do this, and I really do! I have been trying now for a year. I really cannot win. So I end up feeling ashamed and stupid.
Not sure what to do now. Try to live with myself I suppose.
But thank you everyone who has cared enough to try and help me. This is a brilliant community. Thank you

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Thu Aug 14, 2014 11:10 pm

tessytwinkle wrote:Thank you everyone for your wise and kind support. I wish I deserved it.

You do. No S is just a way of eating, and perhaps it doesn't suit you at the moment (or ever). The has nothing to do with whether you are a valuable person deserving of kindness and support. I know I post this type of thing a lot - but it bears repeating.

I have read many many posts and although people often struggle and have bad days.

Tessy, as I posted, if I ate the tiny breakfast you had yesterday, I'd fail most days.

There are few people like me who really do not seem to be able to even get one green day under their belt.

I realise that in the middle of feeling miserable one tends towards hyperbole, but as recently as mid-July you were posting green days.

Good luck whatever you decide, and which ever path you're on.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Fri Aug 15, 2014 5:57 am

Dear Ironchef
Of course I am a person deserving kindness and support as are we all. That was not the point I was trying to make which was despite this support I still seem unable to put myself right. This is a critical issue for me. I am in a lot of pain every day and some of that pain and chronic joint damage would definitely go if I could lose some weight. It is frustrating to me as a person, a senior person, who has achieved much in her life and over come much in her life, that I cannot just eat three times a day. Especially when it is so important. It gives me an insight into how powerful my disordered eating can be. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself, or at least rather depressed, everyday pain will do this, I have also just buried another of my dearest friends, the second in a year. These are disheartening times for me. So if I tend towards hyperbole it is because I feel in sadness and despair. I know I have posted greens before, that is why I have kept trying, even if failing. Because I believe in this system. But it is very depressing to really want to succeed, to really need to get it right, but to 'fail'. And yes this makes me miserable. But it does not mean I think I am a bad person. Just a very disordered person around food. I know why this is. But you cannot go back in life and change painful, damaging events. You just live with them. So life is difficult at the moment. But I shall keep trying.
I am going to try and eat my breakfast later after I get to work and after swimming, I have added in a hot milky snack in the afternoon and I am eating well filled plates, I must just keep trying.
Thank you for your kind support.

aspencer27 · Post by **aspencer27** » Fri Aug 15, 2014 12:30 pm

Tessy, so sorry for everything you are going through. My dad has the same issues with the pain and with the weight loss - he lost a lot of weight and was able to go off many medications, but then he gained it back and it becomes a vicious cycle. The pain makes it hard to do anything, and not doing anything makes it worse. I hope you feel better!

One thing that has really helped me a lot is to just not worry about the fails. It means nothing. It already happened, there is nothing you can do about it, it is just a tracker, it doesn't define you, one fail isn't going to change anything. This has really helped me be kinder to myself, and I think this is the biggest thing NoS has helped me with. The only thing you need to focus on right now is making it to your next meal. This is the only thing you can do right now - you are in charge. You can decide no snacks, no sweets, and no seconds at that meal.

You should be proud that you keep trying. Success is just trying one more time than you fail - cheesy, I know, but it's true. You are doing it!

I like to go back and read a lot of the long-term success stories here (I'll look at the beginning of some trackers from 4+ years ago), and you can see all of the struggles that they had with it, too. You'll still see the struggles they have with it now. When I see those struggles and fails while they still have success, it helps me realize that I'm never going to be perfect, and I don't have to be. If I just try right now, that's going to get me further ahead in the long run, anyways.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Fri Aug 15, 2014 12:49 pm

Dear aspencer27
I am so grateful for your post and your kind understanding. I feel so beleaguered sometimes, and as you say it can be a vicious circle. I really do want to crack this. I am really going to think carefully about what you say. I am probably too hard on myself, but that is because I feel a bit desperate. But as you say somehow I have got to be kinder to myself about this and just make it to each next meal. Maybe it will start with my posting of fails without shame - that is a start

I like this statement
'Success is just trying one more time than you fail' - cheesy or not it is very important!
OK, will aim for that - thank you

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Sat Aug 16, 2014 6:57 am

Lots of thinking in the night. Especially about establishing habit - eating enough at each meal - being kinder to myself. I have gone back and read Oolalas early testimonials. She is such an inspiration to me. So a fresh start today.
Breakfast - toast. plums, handful walnuts, grapes, fresh tomatoes from garden. Large milky sweet frothy coffee drink. I love summer when I can eat fresh stuff from the garden. I feel full and contented.
Feeling lighter today in my spirits

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Mon Aug 18, 2014 8:32 am

Seems like you are on a good path!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Mon Aug 18, 2014 9:22 pm

Thank you for dropping by Eschano.
A strange day today. Went to see consultant. Wants me to take another very powerful drug. Not sure what to do. This disease will only get worse. I need to try and make a radical change in my life. So thinking about that at the moment. A week or so off work now so my stress levels should drop. I need time to hunker down and think carefully about my life. NoS one part of that. But also needs other aspects if I am to try and walk my own path. I am giving myself two months to try to get noS strongly established ( some fails ok but habit must be strong). I also need exercise and more rest. Hey ho let's see what tomorrow brings. A green day is needed.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Tue Aug 19, 2014 9:22 pm

Not a green day today. But a good day thinking about my health and recovery plan. I need to settle with noS but not for now, I am on holiday now for about 12 days. I really need a break so going to take it steady. See if I can get good health habits started. Looking to do LAM and have an adventure whenever I can like Eschano. I also need to take control of my health, have a plan. I am working on this, some exercise each day, stress reduction. Plans for reducing stress and work expectations. Plus healthy food, anti- inflammatory diet and maybe some alternative therapies. I am not giving in to my consultant's demands and expectations regarding taking strong disease modifying drugs without trying to sort myself out first. I have given myself till Xmas to sort out work. Reduce stress, lower my pain and reduce the inflamation in my joints. NoS has a key role to play in this. But it is an overall plan I need to get settled with. Anyway, here goes

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Tue Aug 19, 2014 11:09 pm

Sounds like you have a lot to think about, but LAM is always a great place to start

Enjoy your holiday!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Aug 20, 2014 6:03 am

It sounds like you're on the right track and getting to a place of empowerment. I think you're smart to try everything else possible before doing the strong med option. I notice how my DH won't take even an Advil unless he's really bad off. I figure that's because he understands the downside of too much medication. Nothing wrong with taking meds but always great if we can find other options.

I like the adventure idea. Seems like a great way to bring some joy into ones life. Looking forward to hearing how these next couple of weeks go.

Linda

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:37 am

Have a great holiday tessy! A great time to start on the adventures and LAM

I think it's brilliant that you are considering alternatives to strong medication. I hope it works and just in case if it doesn't work - that's ok too!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Wed Aug 20, 2014 11:23 pm

Thank you for your kind support, iron, Linda and Eschano.
Well a bit of a challenging day as my ankles so bad today could hardly walk and lots of pain. But that is to be expected I am in the middle of a bad flare up and I have not had a chance to get my alternative plans going. My eating was steady, not a green day. But I am not trying hard for that just taking my holidays as they come. But I ate well, made vegetarian kebabs for the first time, made up the marinade, spicy pineapple, and they were fab

finished writing my plan, there's a lot to do, but I feel energised and determined. No adventures today, but I am aiming for one a week, so plenty of time.
LAM - a nice nap in the afternoon

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Thu Aug 21, 2014 12:03 am

So sorry to hear about your pain. I like that your not overly focused on the rules but focusing on healthy, tasty food. Taking care of yourself is key and however that ends up looking is just fine!

Your food sounds delicious! Hope you're feeling feeling a bit better soon.

Linda

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:27 pm

A steady day today. No mad eating, as I am away from work and not trying so hard to get green my body is starting to relax and I am not feeling out of control around food. I feel safer. Strange.
LAM - went to see an exhibition by Matisse. Beautiful, amazing his use of colour and his determination to keep creating art when he was so ill. Very inspiring.
Hard to walk today, wish my ankles would get a bit better, but at least I am not struggling to manage work as well so there's an up side! I think I need to have a few days of silver lining spotting to lift me through the painful bits.
Food wise, I am feeling quietly confident that if I can get myself back into a good health space over the next week of holidays, then my noS habits will be easier to establish when I get back to work.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Fri Aug 22, 2014 8:30 am

Tessy, I love your LAM! Need to go and see an exhibition again soon

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 12:12 am

Hoping for the best for you, Tessy! Just keep reminding yourself: stress doesn't MAKE us eat; it just makes us WANT to eat. I don't have to eat just because I want to. People often give up waiting to eat just when the urge is getting to its peak. This REINFORCES the habit. It is incredibly powerful to get past a peak without giving in. See if that thought can help you hang on. And have a plan for what you will do with your time, even something silly. Even going to bed and crying is better than eating. Just try not to perseverate on negative thoughts. They aren't working to get you in line, so don't be afraid you'll go crazy in your habits without them.

On the other hand, what about also allowing yourself a small meal, say a dessert bowl size, during the time it's hardest to wait? Meaning, for awhile, allow yourself four meals, and step down from there after a couple of weeks. I've seen people do this successfully.

You also have to think about giving up the shaming and despair. They are very likely prolonging the habit because they are part of the cycle. Science is showing it: kindness works better. In this, most likely because it interrupts the cycle. Shame and despair have a different chemical makeup than calm acceptance and mercy. And we really want different chemicals circulating.

But most of the time, there's nothing much to do but just get to that next meal.

I have been having a hard time. I hope that doesn't discourage you. I'm not jumping for joy over it, but I'm not giving up, either. I'm lucky enough that there are no health issues and my weight fluctuates just a few pounds, but I feel I owe that to No S because it's just too uncomfortable now to eat like I used to, but I have been failing.

May I gently say that you may have to consider eventually limiting the types of foods you eat some because of their effect on inflammation. YOu can be calmly trying to work on that while you get your meal numbers satisfactory.

And do keep coming on here if you need to!

On Spark, a member often posts several times a day, just writing "I will not eat again until lunch/dinner/tomorrow." It's on a thread we call "Hour Commitments." We tell those new to trying to give up bingeing to even post declaring no binge for just 15 minutes and work up from there!

Do you have a list of things to say to yourself when binge thoughts/urges come? And have you written your list of reasons to want to eat moderately and are you reading your list multiple times each day?

My schedule is such that it is harder for me to check my email much until after 12 noon, or I would invite you to write to me when you are feeling weak. You can do that anyway!

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 7:35 am

Tessytwinkle, I'm so sorry to read about your pain right now. I can empathize a little, since the AVM in my right leg has given me chronic pain for awhile now. I'm glad you're finding ways to relax, and it sounds like you're making strides, on the food front.

Over43 · Post by **Over43** » Tue Aug 26, 2014 2:50 am

I need my eyes checked, Tessytwinkle, not Tessytwinkie, I just caught that tonight. Pardon.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Tue Aug 26, 2014 1:58 pm

Tessy, your attitude is so inspiring. I know you can figure this out! Also, thank you for the encouraging words on my check-in.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:30 am

OK, I'm back from holiday and I am back at work. I feel renewed and re-energized. I have a new doctor who is really on my side and is going to support me in trying to change my life and get a grip on my pain and confusion about my health and my food etc etc.... Which is great

I came back to this thread and found some very very special messages that lifted my spirits further. Oolala , you are such a kind woman to take time to think through how to help me, you make a real difference to my thinking - thank you. Over43 and eschano many thanks for your support, and thank you to everyone who is and has supported me through this rather turbulent journey. It makes so much difference. I'm hoping to catch up with everyones thread soon, I am just so exhausted at the moment going back to work!!

Anyway, taking all wise advice to heart I am starting a 21 day challenge, but in this I am allowing myself a little 4th meal as oolala suggest at about 4pm, as my day is so long and that is where I fail most frequently.
My aims for this 21 days are to eat 3 meals and one little meal (which must be nuts and fruit only though). I also aim to start reducing my painkillers, exercising everyday 30 mins and hopefully lose some weight. But weight loss I hope will come in the future, for now i just want to get the habit. I also want to Look After Myself (LAM) the eschano way

so off we go

Breakfast - oatmeal,brown sugar and soya milk. grapejuice

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 9:35 am

Oh tessy, all of these developments sounds fabulous and I have to say it again, I love your attitude.

I'm delighted you got a doctor who gets you. It's so important.

Good luck with your 21 day challenge!

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 9:50 am

Welcome back!
So glad to read you have a good doctor on your side - invaluable!
Good luck!

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 9:42 pm

Thank you Ironchef and Eschano. Today not brilliant. Can't claim my first success, lasted till 5 ish. But stayed on at work desperate to finish a project to be presented tomorrow. Got very stressed, ate very badly

Perhaps expected too much from myself today. Need to get my habit settled first. On a good note I feel I have really sorted my mornings out. I can go now from my breakfast at 7 till my lunch at 12 with just hot drinks. That is a major breakthrough for me as used to eat my sandwiches or lunch before 10am in the past!!! Just need to get passed the late afternoon. Try again tomorrow. Failed on my LAM too and I am disappointed at that. I need to care more. I can do this. Just inching my way there. Would be nice to get a green soon

I will not give up

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Fri Sep 05, 2014 9:33 am

LAM can be to forgive yourself.

It's great progress to get one of the in-between meal periods right tessy! If you consistently do this your body will learn to go without food all the time. A great step in the right direction - well done!

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 6:02 am

Good job on tackling the goal of not eating between breakfast and lunch. Work on one habit at a time, and you'll get there.

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:15 pm

Right, I am back, been quite unwell but now feeling more myself. Had lots of time to think about my health and about NoS etc. So feeling quite positive. Painkillers are working ok and I now have some time to get my habits sorted out. I reread the podcast about habits which was really helpful. I have also been doing some other reading for research to do with my teaching and it appears that 21 days might be a little light for most people and that new research indicates an average of about 66 days to set a habit into your unconscious.
http://blogs.ucl.ac.uk/hbrc/2012/06/29/ ... tion-myth/

So I shall aim for the 21 day challenge then a 66 day challenge I think. That would take me to the end of November if started today. So that's my focus. Steady, noS almost vanilla but with a possible mod of an apple ( and only an apple) in the afternoon at 4ish if I feel desperate.

All good advice from the past included, so plenty of food when I need it on my plates and being kind to myself. I feel so very positive today, maybe because I have been in a miserable unhealthy and painful space for a while and now feel lighter and more energized - who knows. Anyway, here we go

breakfast - fruit ( plums) soya drink and nuts
Lunch - home made celery soup, whole meal bread, handful fresh peas, 2 fresh tomatoes and 3 dried peach halves. ( I am obsessed by dried peaches at the moment!)

now got to get through my first afternoon - traditionally my falling down point

For me it is not a hunger issue it is comfort eating and bad habits . I found it fairly easy to fast for a day - not sure why but I do. Now I am trying to convince my snack monster brain that each day is a series of fasts, so no different to an occasional fasting day which I have managed before, but this way each fast lasts from 7.30 - 12.30, then 1.30 till 7.30. I will not starve in between and I will eat everything I need at those meal times. Fingers crossed

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 4:25 pm

Hi Tessy!

Good to see you back! Glad you're pain is getting under control. It's so hard to focus on anything else when you're in pain.

Have a great day!

Linda

Tessytwinkle · Post by **Tessytwinkle** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 9:32 pm

Thanks for dropping by Linda. I appreciate it so much.
Well today was a green day

first one for ages and a good start to my 21 day challenge. I really wobbled in the afternoon and just managed to divert myself away from buying sweeties. A major achievement for me. Sad. But true

Roll on day 2