Kookie's Daily Check in

[Kookie]

Hi everyone,

I've been stalking No S for about a year now. I have never really formally committed to it and as such, have never really experienced the joys of it. But after quite a lot of experience in various 12-step groups for eating disorder recovery and a lot of diets and a lot of different food plans, I know that a) I need structure and b) I need freedom. The No S diet seems to offer both!

Today is day 1 but I am feeling super hopeful. I have about 10lbs to lose but weight loss is not my priority. My priority is freeing up my mind from food obsession and calling a halt to bingeing. I binge at least 2-3 times a week and the reasons are always emotional so I am working on that with a therapist. But somehow in the moment of craving, I can easily justify the binge by telling myself I'm hungry or saying 'well, I'll just eat this..'. That's how the binges start, innocently!

So here goes! I'm committing for 21 days. Friday is a bit of a good day to start to ease myself in as tomorrow and Sunday are S days. Am contemplating doing N days tomorrow and Sunday but am not sure that's a good idea. I may as well just do the diet as it is written and enjoy my weekend.

Thanks for being here!

Kx

[clarebear]

Welcome Kookie!

This will change your life, I suffered with an eating disorder around 5 years ago and even though I went into recovery I feel it's always been niggling there. I am aware I have put weight (I am around 20lbs heavier than before my eating disorder) and I feel this is because of my problems and what it did to my body.
I too have had problems with bingeing (after disorder) and have felt out of control at times and have been in a constant cycle of restricting then bingeing.

I have been doing NO S now for 2 months and I feel like I have been set free which is an amazing feeling, this is it for me for life now, the best bit is I haven't counted a single calorie or had anxiety about food! - I think this is the main thing that will help me get shut of this thing for good!

I'm 27 now so to think that I could be completely free of my demons before I'm 30 is just brilliant!!

Good luck, I'm rooting for you

ps take the S days as S days, don't change a thing!

[Kookie]

Clarebear, thank you so, so, so much for your lovely and speedy post. Just what I needed to hear! I feel very encouraged and it's great to hear from someone with a similar background.

I'm a bit older than you (by a decade) and it's taken a long time to realise what I need to live a happy life in terms of the food. I was on really strict food plans in the name of 'recovery' for years but was miserable and couldn't have a social life because so many foods were off limits and it was all portion controlled.

Then when I fell off that wagon, I binged my brains out for a few years whilst exploring other approaches to recovery. I went the other way and tried intuitive eating and although I loved it at first, I always ended up spending too much time wondering whether I was hungry and if so, what to eat and it became too much like hard work! But it was great to be allowing myself to eat foods that I had restricted so much before. But without structure, I'd end up binging on all of those formerly forbidden foods which made me tempted to go back to the strict food plans! Thank god I found No S.

I also can be a bit health obsessed which also backfires and encourages bingeing because I feel deprived. At least this way I get to eat what I really want not what I think I should have and I better make it good so that I'm not hungry between meals!!

So, I'm excited because No S feels like the perfect compromise! I am a bit scared about the gap between lunch and dinner but I know that my body will get used to it and I'll learn what I need at lunch to see me through.

Kxx

[clarebear]

I can understand all that you have said!
I'm very much all or nothing so like you say it's either being really healthy and depriving or the opposite. This allows complete sanity around food and it's just amazing.

Whatever I want for each meal I eat it, as long as it fits on one plate. In between meals was hard for me at first as I have been a snacker for so long but give it a couple of weeks and your body will adjust. I now drink a glass of milk in between a meal if I'm hungry and this works but I find I don't need to do it as much as I first did!

My cravings for the things I used to binge on have now decreased so much, I look forward to having them at weekends but I don't really think about them during the week! Your S days may be wild at first but don't worry about this, mine still kind of are but I'm riding with it and enjoying it as it's kind of like an experiment as the weeks go on my S days aren't quite as bad as the week before. Don't think about the future weeks, just enjoy your S days and your body will do the rest. I can no longer eat like I used to, infact my stomach told me so a couple of weeks ago on a Sunday I had really bad tummy ache and felt so sick!!

Everyone is different but I haven't weighed myself at all since I started, my intention was to at first but I thought to myself, I want to get better and weighing myself and obsessing over the scale is not the way forward!
I have told myself I will weigh in after a year on NO S more out of interest than anything. What it has done for my mind in this short space of time far outweighs what a number on the scale could do!


You may have the odd bad day but I would say out of the 2 months I've only had 2 where I've felt bad cravings and irritable, (this is way less than any other 'diet' I have been on) - and they have still been green days- I would say they were probably more to do with time of the month than anything too!

So here's to NO S and many more months and years to come!!
I'm so happy that someone from a similar position can feel soon how I'm feeling now!

[jw]

Welcome, Kookie! Clarebear says it all -- this is a really sane way of eating, and you will find lots of support on these boards. Best wishes!

[lpearlmom]

Welcome kookie!

This is perfect for someone looking to get a handle on their disordered eating. After years of trying dieting, and later intuitive eating (didn't work for me either) I just wanted to make peace with food & my body. NoS has amazingly done that for me and even though losing weight wasn't my main priority any more, I seem to be slowly losing weight as well-yay!

I recommend keeping S days as they are. I've tried messing with them but have come to realize you need them. I don't particularly enjoy them but just realize I have to get through them in order to completely appreciate the structure of N days. I also think when I'm resisting snacks or sweets during the week it's easier if I can tell myself I can have them in a few days. Anyway everyone says they get easier/ better. ...


Best of luck. Everyone is so great & supportive so don't hesitate to ask any questions that may pop up!

Linda

[Tessytwinkle]

Hello Kookie. Good to have you on the journey. Enjoy your weekend. That's what they are there for. Then have a really good week of sane eating. We are all on your side and we are all trying to change our lives. It is a really simple plan but it shows how badly messed up about food our world has become that it should feel so challenging at times!! Good luck with your 21 days. You can do it
Tessy

[Kookie]

Thank you so much for the welcome Tessytwinkle, Lpearlmom and jw

I think I'm still on track...I say 'think' because on Friday night I didn't stick to the plan BUT in retrospect I should've called it an 's' event....every 2-3 months I meet with a group of girlfriends, ex-colleagues, for a book club. They are always so much fun and very raucous. I may just be justifying the 'fail' but I do genuinely think that my book club events are special. It wasn't ideal intending to only have one plateful and ending up having pre-dinner nibbles and champagne followed by a meal out and a shared dessert. I didn't go crazy and ate the same if not slightly less than I could've eaten, it was just the fact that I hadn't intended to eat all that which caused a slight sense of failure.

So I've decided to write a list of what I consider to be 's' occasions (obviously if they fall on Saturdays or Sundays then no need to have an extra 's' day):

My birthday
Christmas Day
New Year's Eve
Reunions
Dates (very rare occurrences for me and would probably not need to make them 's' but I'd like to have the option so that I don't set myself up to fail)
Book club

This should give me clarity for the future.

Yesterday and today have been very moderate 's' days but this is largely due to the fact that I have been feeling very unwell. I had a cold all last week and yesterday it turned into (or I caught something else) a gastro bug. Very nauseous and diarrhoea all day yesterday and today. Only a hardcore foodie like myself would've eaten anything at all but I have managed to have all of my meals and even shared a couple of desserts with a friend this afternoon!! But I've definitely had a very small appetite which has actually meant a light weekend for me.

Here's to a green week ahead!

Kookie xxx

[Kookie]

I'm actually going to call today Day 1 because Friday was an S day but only in retrospect and yesterday I was sick but only declared it an s day after I'd snacked. I know I'm probably being a perfectionist but still, now that I am feeling better after a horrible virus, I feel much clearer.

Today I definitely did not eat enough at breakfast (small bunch of grapes, some pecan nuts, small pot of plain yogurt with stewed apple) and nor did I eat enough at lunch (beef with pesto salad wand sweet potatoe and a banana). I think lunch might've been alright if breakfast had been bigger but I was a 3 on the hunger scale before lunch and probably a 2 before supper. It was fine though because I felt motivated but on days when I'm not feeling as motivated today would've been tough.

Supper was delicious - a few corn chips and an artichoke dip, pasta with chicken and green beans and some pineapple. All on one plate. I don't like how my fruit gets some of my savoury meal on it - is there a way around this? Plate up and then take it off? My pineapple got salt on it by mistake as it was hard to keep it all separate!

So all in all a good day! Yay! Here's to more food tomorrow. I am also looking forward to trying to eat what I really want for my meals on N days as I still think that I eat too healthily sometimes!! I know that I'll find so much more joy in my life if I give myself decent portions of good food.

I can't believe how free I felt this evening after supper. Usually the post-supper period is a bit of a white-knuckle few hours as it's been prime binge time in the past. I think I feel the benefits of the strong No S boundaries already!

[jw]

i put my fruit in a little bowl and put that on the plate. I also don't want my flavors mingling!

[Kookie]

Thanks jw!! I need to invest in more crockery, I think! More little bowls for fruit/nuts and bigger plates (not TOO much bigger;-))

I feel good today - so much more positive about my food than I have for ages. It feels exciting. I had a delicious breakfast and so far feeling very sustained by it (yogurt, muesli, pumpkin seeds, blueberries, sliced peach).

I'm getting worried about eating out during the week but I'm sure there is no need. I can just order a main course and if I don't think it'll be enough, I'll also order a side dish. I guess I worry that my plate might look a bit massive and dont' always want to explain that I don't eat between meals and therefore my meals need to be substantial!

[jw]

Do eat substantial meals, Kookie, enough to carry you over to the next meal -- but don't buy bigger plates just yet. My experience has been that I am satisfied with less as time goes on, and those overfilled plates from my first weeks were overcompensation for hunger that I thought I might feel if I didn't fill up! It happens quite naturally, though -- help yourself to whatever you need at mealtimes.

[Kookie]

OK jw. I will trust the process and save my pennies!

I am also drinking more milky teas/coffees between meals at the moment which I'm sure is also just compensating for the fear that I might get hungry. Without snacks though I do think I get hungry between meals but hopefully this will be manageable hunger once I get to know how much I need at meals to see me through.

When I was in those 12-step programmes for so many years weighing and measuring everything according to my sponsor's plan, I was often way too hungry between meals - it was so uncomfortable. I would binge on chewing gum and all sorts of other weirdnesses. I guess it will take a while to trust that this is not the same as that phase. I have so much freedom now compared to then! God knows how I did it for so long! Desperation, I think!

[Kookie]

Success! I had much less trouble with hunger today but there was still the sense of urgency after work to get home and eat supper ASAP! I don't know what I'll do if I ever want to take a class or do something fun like rock climbing or a dance class. I'll just be too hungry to last until later than 7pm if I've eaten lunch at around 1pm. This worries me because I don't want to be saying 'no' to life because I refuse to have a snack to tide me over... I guess I don't need to worry about that now.

I'm going out to eat tomorrow with a friend..because I've been sick for the past 2 weeks I feel really bored and need to do something over than come home and watch tv so I am glad of the arrangement BUT my friend has suggested meeting for a drink first - this will delay our eating! And although I don't have a problem with alcohol persay, it can undermine my food. I guess one drink won't hurt or maybe I'll just have a sparkling water and try to relax into things and not worry so much!!

That's tomorrow's concern, for today I am really pleased to have completed a vanilla No S day.

[Tessytwinkle]

Well done Kookie. You are doing really well. I too have a little bowl to put my fruit in on my plate. It works well. Your breakfast sounds yummy, you eat like me I think lots fruit, seeds and nuts. Enjoy your meal out with your friend. This way of eating has to be part of our normal lives. Hope it goes well
Tessy.

[lpearlmom]

Don't worry kookie, I was absolutely starving between meals at first but now I just get mildly hungry which is quite comfortable. The difference between this & other diets is that there's no set amount you have to eat. On days you are more hungry, you will naturally choose denser foods. I think our bodies are smarter than we realize if we provide it the structure it needs (3 meals).

No need to give up anything fun!! In fact with food in its proper place, you should be able to focus on more interesting things in your life!

Best of luck!

Linda

[Kookie]

Thanks Linda - good to know I won't be hungry forever! Today was better than yesterday, dare I say I'm beginning to enjoy the discipline!

I did meet my friend but fortunately he was hungry so we had one drink (gin and slimline tonic) and then went for a burger. I had a hotdog actually with chilli and cheese and onions and ketchup/tomatoe sauce - the works!! (Ketchup is ok on N days right??). I also had a few chips/fries and a small glass of wine. The chips we shared in a bowl in the middle of the table so I had to 'virtual plate'...I hope I've understood that expression! I just imagined the hot dog and chips on a plate and tried to stick to that although it meant dipping in and out of the basket of chips. I guess I could've taken a handful and left it at that but the truth is I hardly had any of them but it would've been 'cleaner' to pick the amount with my hot dog before I began eating...

I can tell that I'm in the phase of ordering previously forbidden food - flexing my freedom muscles! - just because I can but that it's not necessarily food that I think I'll order in future when I know that I can always have what I want. Tonight, if I wasn't just enjoying the freedom that No S gives me, even on N days, I think I'd have ordered the vegetarian hot dog or chicken burger or a salad with fries. I only ordered the hot dog because it's been years since I had one with love (have probably binged on them but that doesn't count).

So all in all, a great day!

Tessytwinkle thanks for the encouragement also! I feel happy, in control yet also free!

[jw]

You're doing great, Kookie! isn't it fun to eat forbidden foods? eventually you get used to the idea that there are no forbidden foods. And yes, ketchup is allowed on N days! it's not a dessert!

[Tessytwinkle]

Kookie this sounds really strong. You did not have your own basket of chips. You did not start a binge on hot dogs. You relaxed and enjoyed your food and even learned a little about how you might want eat like that next time, maybe with a planned portion chips. But you did it all perfectly and sharing a basket of chips with a friend or loved one is one of life's treats isn't it so it's brilliant that on noS you can do that and still be cool with a green day! Great stuff
Tessy

[clarebear]

You're doing really well Kookie!
The phrase in control yet free is exactly how it makes me feel!

Isn't it a great feeling!

Don't worry about the hunger thing either, I too rushed home for tea (supper) at first but now I go to the gym after work then sometimes somewhere on the way home and may not eat til 8pm and that feels ok! It's not all the time but the option is there, I'm no longer ruled by food! After a few weeks you will feel this

[Kookie]

Thanks guys!

jw - yes, it's such fun to just eat something which I formerly binged on in a normal way...I think that when I first read NoS and tried it about a year ago on my own, I made the mistake of thinking that I would eat 'perfectly' during the week on Ndays ie uber healthy and then go with the flow on weekends. In practice, this meant that I ate far too healthily during the week and it fuelled almighty binges on the weekend. I consequently moved away from NoS. It's funny to read 'ketchup is not a dessert'! That's my perfectionism again, because my old diet head would definitely have put ketchup in the S category because it contains sugar but it is definitely NOT a dessert


Tessy - Thanks for the vote of confidence!! Definitely a green day yesterday despite not putting the fries with my hot dog before I started eating...there was no room because the hot dog came in a small basket as well with no room for much else. But what I could've done is put the hot dog at a different angle or something!!

Clarebear - yay! it is such a great feeling and I look forward to not being ruled by food. What an amazing, magic set of guidelines this is. Thing is, I finish work at 6pm and it takes me about an hour to get home and then to cook etc I only eat at 7:30pm as it is! So I do anything after work, I'd probably eat at 9pm or 9:30pm!!! Urgh! Maybe I should save all fun activities for the weekend or something because I don't want to start messing with vanilla NoS at this stage. Once I start splitting meals I fear I would go awol!

I am noticing that I'm drinking way more tea and coffee (very milky) between meals. It's not ideal as ultimately I'd like to move exclusively to green tea ie get off milk and caffeine (apart from the little bit of caffeine in green tea). But I don't need to worry about that yet, I guess!

Also, because I have not felt at all deprived in terms of my meals this week - and the hunger has not been unmanageable - I am looking forward to S day treats ahead but don't feel worried that I will go too crazy. I think that going crazy is directly proportionate to how deprived I have been feeling. Having said that, bring on a bit of chocolate!!!

[Kittykat150]

Kookie,
Your hot dog story reminds me of a diner treat I gave myself about a month into NoS. I had a bacon cheeseburger and waffle fries. Maybe for the first time in my life, I chose it because it was what I felt like, I could have it, and I enjoyed it without guilt. It was a turning point for me to feel so normal. Sounds like it was a small turning point for you too. You can eat anything and trust your body. I have not since gone crazy and eaten bacon cheeseburgers every week. As a matter of fact, I have not wanted one since. The key is that you know you can have whatever, whenever...and it has no power over you. Keep up the good work.
As for hunger, I was ravenous this week after lunch and had to up my food density to hold me to dinner. I did not chastise myself for hunger, i just responded by increasing my food. Low and behold I woke up to my monthly friend which came a few weeks early. TMI, but that explains my increased hunger. Don't berate your body for hunger. Just eat what you need to in order to stay within the NoS structure. Hunger fluctuates. You can trust yourself.
Peace,
Kat

[Kookie]

Thanks Kat...yeah, definitely a turning point! This is so much fun. Who knew giving up the diet head could feel so in control? And so .... just 'right' somehow, and as though food is in its rightful place.

I totally get the hungry between lunch and dinner thing. I am finding extra fat at lunch and extra carbs plus a serving of fruit is holding me better. Definitely have had to increase my lunches to see me through because before NoS I would always have at least a couple of pieces of fruit at around 5pm. It's so nice to hear your attitude of just accepting the hunger and working with it rather than fighting your body for being hungry! And it wasn't TMI;-) he he. It's good to get to know one's own body and I'm sure I'll find that too, that I need denser or different food depending on my cycle/the weather/my mood/how much sleep I had etc...

Just had a delish M&S salad for lunch (super bean & grain salad, it's called) plus a large serving of mango. Now for a milky cup of tea and that should do the trick. I did go to the gym just before lunch which I haven't done for a few weeks (been away and then ill) so I hope this lunch sees me through. But I'm not scared! Hunger isn't that frightening! I've got one of my favourite suppers lined up tonight (spaghetti with roasted aubergine and peppers and pesto and wilted spinach mixed through...usually I always have protein with meals but this meals doesn't really need it and I get enough protein at other meals...could add some cheese, I guess. Or some bacon. ooh yes, bacon).

Yay for NoS and yay that tomorrow it's the weekend!

[Kookie]

Another success....but for some reason I'm feeling fat tonight. I think I often feel fat when I've been hanging out with my Mum. Just something I've noticed. I compounded the feeling by looking at skinny friends on Facebook - skinnier around the middle than I am despite 3 kids. I tend to have fairly slim arms and legs but I don't go in at the waist and because of IBS and endometriosis I seem to have a permanent swollen belly.

I need to snap out of it and get a little gratitude for a successful food day and be grateful that all is fundamentally well in my world (apart from a very sick, possibly dying cat).

Also I ate my supper pretty late - 8:30pm. Amazingly I wasn't absolutely starving!! And I realised after I left work that I'd sailed through the afternoon without any hunger or cravings!! This is unheard of for me! So I do have a lot to be grateful for. I had a massive plate of rice spaghetti and pesto as I said and admittedly I didn't need quite such a big portion.

So lots of positive changes emerging. I did however notice that mentally I was very hard on myself, quite paranoid and indecisive and kept feeling wired. I think it was a combination of being tired, excited about NoS, but mainly the aftereffects of alcohol, even though I didn't have much last night.

Bring on an S day! I forgot to bring home some fruit I bought so it's sitting in the fridge at work - annoying! Might skip breakfast at home and grab something on the way to the hair dressers - that would be a serious treat!

[Kookie]

Urgh. I don't think Reinhard meant for the NoS diet to be an excuse to binge on weekends... I've eaten a lot of junk this afternoon and evening after quite a normal start with breakfast and lunch. Oh well. I think for me as someone recovering from an eating disorder, I can't really justify bingeing as part of the NoS process....I dunno. Maybe I'm not so different from others but this full, yucky, over-sugared feeling is all too depressingly familiar.

What I think I need is to keep my 3 meals a day structure on weekends and have one treat per day on Saturday and Sunday. I think that ought to do it.

Still, it could've been a lot worse, I suppose. But I am conscious that I am probably heavier at the moment than I've ever been in my life. It's fine, I'm still not officially 'fat' but I am a bit uncomfortable. I don't intend to do anything about it, I'd rather focus on treating my body with love and respect and finding ways other than food to entertain myself! I am letting go of trying to control my weight, I'm trusting that it will sort itself out in time.

[lpearlmom]

Kookie, it is so normal for your S days to be crazy at first. It's not fun but all part of the process. They really will calm down eventually. It might be helpful to read through the stages posted as a sticky on the main discussion.

Also if you read through other peoples threads you can see them struggling with this issue. It really helped me to read through oolala's posts. She's been doing this for five years & really has it down, but had to struggle through a lot of different issues to get to that point.


Still you definitely need to do whats best for you & your continuing recovering but just wanted to put that out there.


Anyway hope you have a great week!

Linda

[Kookie]

Day 6 (yesterday): SUCCESS but it was an S day and in terms of how I felt and feel today, it was not a success. I have a really bad headache. I guess yesterday I woke up feeling crappy after all that I ate on Saturday. Food yesterday:

Breakfast: 1 orange, 1 milky tea, 1 large latte
Lunch: Pret a Manger café: half a baguette with bacon and chicken, salad (chicken, pistachios, olives, leaves and dressing), 1 milky tea...
Snack: 1 orange, milky tea
Supper: plate of spaghetti with spinach and pesto sauce, 1 milky tea and 1 big packet of Peanut M&Ms!!!

I really only ate the peanut M&Ms because I was thinking about the week ahead. It was a big bag of them! After I finished them I wanted more more more! Thankfully I waited a while and then felt really full and the craving went. But I woke up this morning feeling like crap again. I think sugar really affects me physically in a negative way.

Thank God it's Monday and an N day!

Thanks Linda, you're right. I have read Oolala's posts actually so I know that everyone will say not to worry but because of the eating disorder aspect, I know that bingeing is a complex and very emotional issue for me which is why I hesitate to give myself permission to binge, as it were, on S days. I'll give it some more thought this week. I'm tempted to have no 'S' days, only 'S' events..

[lpearlmom]

Sounds like you are being really thoughtful about this and I'm sure you'll find a good solution. It does take a bit of experimenting but you'll get there.

Yay for Mondays & the sanity they bring!

Linda

[Kookie]

Day 7 (yesterday): SUCCESS. I'm going to start counting my milky drinks as well with a view to slowly slowly slowly (very slowly) cutting down! My limit for now is 1 coffee and 3 teas per day. I use very large mugs and a lot of milk! I will stick with this quota for a while until it becomes effortless. I am also not going to chew gum except on S days...I've had a really bad gum habit and it does very nasty things to my digestive system but I can't face the prospect of giving it up entirely.

I just wanted to check in with the forum this afternoon as well because this evening after work I have been invited to a drinks and canapés evening. I know myself and I know that canapés don't usually make for a satisfying 'meal' BUT I also know that I will be too hungry if I wait until I get home (which would probably be after 9pm). So I am going to have to do some eyeballing and try and maybe limit myself to 12 canapés? I'd say that was probably a plateful??? It's not ideal but I really don't want to say 'no' to invitations on account of food issues - I've wasted so many opportunities in life this way already and I refuse to do it anymore.

So, that's my plan. If when I get there I realise that there aren't that many canapés then I'll make a decision then to maybe hold off. Actually, it may be that I decide to drink some tomatoe juice or something to help sustain me if the canapés are yucky. In short, I know that I will need something to keep me going because I do get hungry between meals. So either I will eat canapés and call that supper OR/ I'll have tomatoe or fruit juice (fruit juice seems more of an S day thing but still) to tide me over.

[Kookie]

Day 8: SUCCESS! There were a lot of canapés and I lost count but I think I had more than 12... But some of them were teeny! And what I had would definitely have fitted on a plate. Had 2 alcoholic drinks (glass of champagne and a gin with slimline). I feel so pleased with myself for making it work. It really helped committing to a plan on here this afternoon.. Thanks everyone! Loving this way of life.

[lpearlmom]

Awesome Kookie!! I wasn't sure of the best approach but sounds like you nailed it! So nice you can be social & stick to NOS!

[Kookie]

Thanks Linda! Is that what is called 'virtual plating'? I did it and it was a success. In the past, I would've done something like that and then thought I'd 'messed up' and would binge to make good and sure I'd messed up. But last night I just got home, had a nice milky cup of tea and went to bed. No worries!

This morning I have had an all fruit breakfast (2 apples and an orange) and a massive latte that I made with rice and coconut milk. The ingredients say that it is just rice and coconut milk and vanilla flavouring but it is SO sweet. I'm a bit suspicious!

Anyway. I only had all fruit because I had some fruit that needed eating. I don't think it's the best breakfast though.

[clarebear]

you're doing so well Kookie!
Yeah i find I have to add protein to my breakfast so that I last til dinner/lunch, so I'll have bagel with peanut butter or egg and soilders and that seems to work better than cereal alone ( I had just weetabix this morning and am regretting it)!!

[Kookie]

Thanks Clarebear!! I love it when you post on my page! God, you're so right - it's good to remember that about protein....I feel shakey now after a fruit-only breakky but it's not long until lunch! I was contemplating going to the gym before eating my lunch but I really don't think I have the energy.

It's so silly really as I was prioritising the fruit about to go off over my own wellbeing! Won't do that again. I used to have only fruit for breakky a lot but I'd eat it throughout the morning as I always needed more. But even then it didn't really work and I began to notice that on the days when I binged, it was often when I'd had only fruit for breakfast. Argh! Hopefully that will NOT be the case today!!

And I only bought the rice/coconut milk because of the fruit-only breakfast and I'm pretty sure it's got sugar in it because it is SO sweet. Might have to chuck it (would you call a sweetened milk okay on an N day?).

Been reading your posts too - tasting your wedding food on Friday - how exciting!!

[clarebear]

ahh thanks

I seem to be having a hungry day today, just had my dinner early, but I'm ok with that!

no, you'll be fine, just push through and like you have, tell yourself that you'll have a proper breakfast tomorrow! If fruit doesn't fill you up then it should be an addition to your breakfast rather than that being it.

I think someone more NOs experienced may have to answer the coconut milk question. In my head I'd think it would be ok, it may just be the natural sugars causing it to be so sweet? But I'll let someone else confirm that!

I know, I'm so excited! And really looking forward to it! going to be weird eating a pudding on what would usually be an N day but I figure 1 S event in 9 weeks is pretty good!

Good luck today, don't cave!

[lpearlmom]

Kookie, don't sweat the sweetness factor too much! It's really more about avoiding calorie dense, nutrient deficient foods like cake, candy etc. A lot of people have sugar in their coffee. I drink mochas because I just really can't live without them and they make it possible to stick to NoS. I may reduce them at some point but for now I'm keeping them.

Also I know that I used to use soy milk in my smoothies instead of regular milk because it's naturally sweeter than regular milk. I think it's the same with the rice milk but either way, they're legally obligated to list all ingredients so you can most likely trust the ingredients.

Good luck getting through today I had a tiny lunch yesterday & was starving by dinner. Sometimes these things happen but not worth going off nos. Just try drinking milk or something if you need a little something maybe.

Linda

[jw]

Rule of thumb, if it's not dessert, it's OK, Kookie. That milk probably tastes sweeter now because you haven't been eating sweets -- your sweet receptors on your tongue are just looking for something to do! When I did low carb, I drove myself crazy looking for hidden sugars in the horseradish sauce -- thank God, we don't need to do that with No S and we still get the benefits of radically reducing our sugar intake.

That being said, a sweet meal, even of natural fruits, probably won't keep you satisfied for long . . .

[Kookie]

Day 9 (yesterday): SUCCESS. That fruit at breakfast together with the slighter sweeter than milk coconut/rice milk lattes gave me a bit of a blood sugar wobble yesterday which I haven't had for ages. I go a bit sweaty and shaky. It's not hunger exactly, it's very specific. I'm probably hyperglycaemic or something but I'm not worried about it. I know now for sure that I cannot get away with just fruit for breakfast - that is such old behaviour for me and it doesn't serve me or my body. Years of bulimia (havent' been bulimic for almost 1 year) and years of bingeing are bound to have messed with my insulin levels a bit. Massive dumps of sugar into the bloodstream are not kind on the body. I can still eat a lot of sugar but not on an empty stomach like that fruit was yesterday.

I did end up going to the gym though before lunch and had a good workout but I was sensible and didn't do my full programme. Sensible is not a word I usually describe myself with but I am finally being sensible! NoS is such a sensible plan for me!!! Sensible is a GOOD word

Lunch was a bit light (in view of breakfast) and so last night when I met my friend before going to a movie, I had a pizza. A nice big pizza (margherita with rocket and garlic and chilli oil - my favourite) and I ate it all! It was delicious. That somewhat offset the fact that I couldn't have sweets during the film as it was an N day after all! I did however buy myself a bag of pick'n mix (assorted sweets, chocolates and fudge) and have put it in my fridge for Saturday night - I am planning on staying in and watching TV on Saturday night. For once, I feel justified in staying in to watch TV because I've had a more social week (went out Tuesday and Wednesday and will be out with a friend tomorrow night too).

I am shelving the 'no solitary snacking' mod for now - I'm not ready to give up my total freedom on 'S' days!! Although I will plan my day and my food for both days in a rough sort of way in my head ahead of time so that I feel safe.

I am contemplating switching from my current breakfast favourites of yogurt with muesli or porridge with nut/seed butter in favour of eggs. I remember having eggs with homous a few years ago and it really held me and made me feel good. Yogurt and muesli is so delicious to me but I feel a bit too full afterwards and also get hungry quite quickly - the worst of both worlds!!

JW - you're so right! I am not going to get all obsessive about hidden sugars. That's the old mindset. And that mindset never lead to freedom and in fact often backfired and lead to 'f@ct it' mentality and bingeing.

Linda - I totally support the mocha drinking! I have been so irrationally eager to give up my milky drinks when the milky drinks are not, and have never been, the problem!!! Milky drinks are a lovely option between meals and I think it would totally sabotage my progress if I tried to be too perfect by giving them up. That purist/perfectionist tendency is dangerous for me. Maybe years down the track when NoS is solid as a rock and I am at my ideal weight and food is just a wonderful but not overly significant part of my life, milky drinks will 'fall away'. But I am definitely not going to rip them away! That would be so unkind!!

I am determined to join the 21-day club. And after that, God willing, the 100-day club...

[Kookie]

Day 10 (yesterday): SUCCESS. Yesterday was fine. Nothing amiss. LUnch was too light so I had a big mug to finish off the coconut/rice milk in latte form. It definitely helped see me through BUT once again I got the blood sugar wobbles last night just before I ate supper. I think there is something about that milk that causes my blood sugar to go haywire. Or maybe, again, because my lunch was light it was a case of sugar on an empty stomach which caused the problem. In any event, I won't be buying it again!

My supper was pretty damn large but I was okay with it. I didn't have any milk in the house which was probably a blessing so I had to have black tea after supper - milky tea might have caused me to be uncomfortably full.

I really feel that it's been a long week in terms of no sweets! But it's all good because I can have delicious and satisfying meals and lots of milky drinks to ease me through on N days! Looking forward to my pick 'n mix treat tomorrow though! My plan is as follows:
Saturday
-Wake up: cup of milky tea and nothing else because I don't want to ruin my appetite for a nice big brunch. An apple if I'm absolutely starving. I want to try and get all of my housework done in the morning so I can just enjoy my weekend. That will probably mean waking up at 8am (not much of a lie-in) but that's okay.
-Brunch at 11:30am with my friend...I will order whatever grabs my fancy and will probably have a couple of lattes as well
-Not sure what I'll do in the afternoon. I might go for a swim and steam room or do some shopping.
-hopefully I won't need a snack as brunch is usually quite large so if I need something I'll have another apple to tide me over. I'll have an early supper (probably pasta and pesto with spinach) and then my treat in front of The X Factor! Yum yum!!

It's amazing to me that I have managed to keep my pick 'n mix in the fridge since Wednesday night - it hasn't called to me at all! I did ask the girl to weigh it when I bought it at the cinema...it weighs 360g!! That's a lot, isn't it? Maybe I should split it in two and have some on Sunday night....hmmmm.

[Kookie]

Note to self: I do not like pick n mix anymore! It's such low quality food...I'm not making any pronouncements - nothing dramatic - but I just want better quality treats in future. Yuck yuck yuck! I'm worth more than that crap!!

[lpearlmom]

Just read your posts for the last couple of days & wanted to say I think you are doing great. Lots of progress & insight. Seems like you are quickly learning what works & what doesn't and making adjustments where needed.

Isn't it great to be sensible & normal in terms of eating?? Really does builds one's confidence. Keep up the good work & enjoy your weekend!

Btw I agree that eggs are an awesome choice for breakfast.

Linda

[jw]

Kookie, I had a similar experience with S day treats -- old stand-bys just weren't good enough any more! You are really rocking No-S! Congrats!

[Kookie]

Linda - thanks so much! Yes, it really is so wonderful to be able to eat normally! I honestly was beginning to wonder if that would ever be possible for me but NoS makes it possible.. I suddenly feel as though I could travel and visit people and let people get close to me. I have really struggled with shame around what I do with food. In the past I'm either bingeing and planning my next diet OR I'm on some weird plan which makes being with people difficult. I feel like the world truly can be my oyster!! Very very grateful. And yes, eggs! I have bought some and look forward to them for breakfast tomorrow!

JW - thanks for posting! Yes, the old standbys aren't quite cutting it anymore. It's great to hear you went through that too. I really don't want pick n mix anymore! Gross. This afternoon I went to a very posh cake parlour and had the most exquisite cupcake and tea. That was more like it!!

All in all, a good day today. I did get a little anxious this evening because although I didn't want anything sweet, I felt compelled to eat some chocolate or sweets because tomorrow is lockdown BUT I didn't! And I'm glad I didn't because next weekend will roll around very quickly and besides, there is lots of yummy things I need to make sure that I include on N days so that I'm not like a man gasping for breath on weekends...

One thing I did notice after the cupcake today was that I immediately felt tired and a bit shaky. I need to watch my blood sugar levels because this has happened a couple of times lately...it would not be cool to discover that I am pre diabetic or something..

Bring on an N day, I'm ready for structure!!

[Kookie]

Monday blues...I went to the gym at lunch time and STUPIDLY thought it would be a good idea to jump on the scales. I only have about 7lbs to get down to my goal weight but the fact that I hadn't budged at all since I last weighed myself (months ago - I threw away my scales!) made me feel that familiar despair and immediately triggered 'diet head'.

And then very quickly I had the thought: 'You've only been doing this NoS thing for 14 days....!!! You have barely scratched the surface. Give it a chance to work! And even in this short space of time, you feel so much freer so keep your eyes on the more important reasons for doing this. Weight loss should not be your primary goal!!'.

I do have a tendency to impulsively switch tracks if something doesn't have immediate results. So I was able to pacify myself and relax a bit. However, I couldn't be bothered to exercise - my body has had enough!! I have been going to the gym fairly consistently for the past year and a half but I am getting so tired and bored of it. And I am living proof that the gym doesn't have as much of an impact on weight loss as diet does. I have gained weight since I started (because I lost control of my eating) and it hasn't offset the bingeing.

But I do love to exercise so I don't want to stop exercising altogether because it is good for me. I just think that maybe I can apply the same principles of NoS to exercise and take my eyes off the weight loss/vanity aspect. For instance NoS is helping me to see that I can eat delicious food without gaining weight and that it's so good for me psychologically to eat without the 'diet head' so maybe I should start to think of what I can do exercise wise which makes my body sing rather than the slogging it out in the gym with gritted teeth! I love dancing, love some types of yoga....I do love weights...I don't know, will give it some thought. Not sure I'm a shovelglove type of girl though... I would scare my elderly sick cat too much!

Had 2 eggs with about 100g homous for breakfast. Didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would but boy oh boy it sure did see me through SO WELL to lunch.

[clarebear]

I get the Monday blues thing Kookie! think we're both feeling the same today!

I have had that urge to weigh in so many times but have resisted as I know what it will do to my mental state. The habits formed seem to be enough for me to keep me on track and although I have said I will weigh in January, I may wait even longer than that to be honest, scales are the devil!

I am pleased you ate something that filled you up til lunch! It's a good feeling!

How about boiled eggs and soldiers for breakfast? That to me is such a good meal, yummy buttery toast and dippy eggs! and it fills me up

I am also completely with you on the exercise thing! I am addicted to the feeling during and after exercise but some weeks I just cannot be bothered! I also think exercise makes you gain weight sometimes especially if doing weights which is fine for people who aren't bothered but for people like us who have been obsessed with the number on the scale it's soul destroying - even though we know it's irrational as muscle weighs heavier than fat!! It's a vicious circle!!

But, here we are, we have found NO S, it's going to take years for us to make our minds and eating 'normal' and this is the best thing we can be doing to heal. That time is going to pass anyway, just think ourselves lucky we aren't on that diet/calories rollercoaster anymore!! It will take time but we will get there

[lpearlmom]

Great job kookie!

I have a really hard time finding sweets that satisfy me. Almost to the point that I just don't want them anymore. I almost always have dessert on Sunday nights though just because I can. I think I'm just worried that I'll regret it during the week if I don't. You're thinking is much more mature though!

I know it's scary going to the doctor but you might want to get your blood sugar checked out just in case.

Anyway, hope you have a great Monday!

Linda

[lpearlmom]

Ugh I had typed my last response last night & forgot to hit submit till this morning so it's a lil outdated!

Sorry about today!! Remember weighing yourself on a Monday probably isn't a great idea. JW has a post about that recently. Could be lots of water weight from junk over the weekend etc.

Also, when I tried this a few years ago, I gave up because of my frustration over not losing weight. Well a few years later & several lbs heavier & I'm back. I came back because I decided no matter what I weighed I needed sanity regarding food.

I've been doing this for over 2 months now & have lost a size. I don't weigh myself but I'm guessing 10-15 lbs down. I'm thrilled with that because it's mainly a little bonus on top of finally having peace with food/body.

But it's important to remember that the weight loss on NoS is typically very very slow which is great because that is whats healthiest & most sustainable anyway. Luckily, the emotional benefits are almost immediate so yes focus on that for a now if you can.

Lots of studies show exercise doesn't do a whole lot for weight loss but it is great for your health, emotional well being, your skin, your bones and also helps you to regulate food better ( gets you in touch w hunger/ satiety). So those are great reasons to exercise in a way that you enjoy. I'm so burnt out from the gym too & rather walk my dogs or do weights in front of the tv. Whatever makes it enjoyable for you!

Hang in there and over time you will weigh whatever you are suppose to weigh.

Linda

[Kookie]

Aw thanks for your messages!

Clarebear - love what you write...so true, I am soooo grateful that I am not on the diet/calorie counting roundabout. That is such a dark, desperate place to be. My body and soul did NOT like weighing on the scales today at all and it reminded of those times of slavery and feeling so lost and trapped in food obsession. The feeling was instantaneous. It makes me shudder to think of it now. So, I'm with you whole-heartlessly on not weighing..

And I think with my eggs / homous breakfast, a slight diet head was in operation because I used to have that breakfast when I was in OA-How... I think it triggered me which is maybe why I weighed myself. I had started to drift into diet/control mode. Eggs on toast - much yummier! I've been reading loads of posts (bored at work) and it really struck me how food is supposed to be delicious and that eating should primarily be about pleasure rather than trying to eat perfectly even from a nutrition point of view.. I can't remember the thread but it was talking about some live strong website posts...and another one made me think of you which was called 'I'm not eating enough' and then when you clicked on it, it said 'fruit and vegetables'.. Quite funny. It was about adding rather subtracting food - fruit and veg - and I just found it empowering rather than that scary feeling I get when I think I need to start 'cutting down' etc. Hope you feel totally over your cold tomorrow!

Linda! I just love your support and encouragement..it really is so spot on. What you said about your first time round and why you left (weight
loss frustration) is all that I need to hear to put out those embers out which were starting to get going.. About sneakily trying to lose weight...just little thoughts here and there of cutting carbs etc. I hereby declare that is NOT what I am going to do! Your post was a sanity/ reality check. Thank you so for sharing that with me. Also for encouraging me to get my blood sugar checked out.. I'm sure it's fine but I will mention it to the doc.

Must sleep now, I've had a good N day and I'm glad I'm back on the straight and narrow re: the scales and weight loss and also have some thinking to do re: exercise. I'd like to make it fun!!

[Kittykat150]

Kookie,
Something I have learned with NoS is to respect myself and my likes and dislikes. This is not only with food but with exercise as well. I hate to run. But I have been running for over a year now. Why? Punishment?....
So since September I have been doing yoga and meditation in the morning and walking at lunch time. It is much more enjoyable. Exercise head goes along with diet head. What does your body truly like to eat/ and how does you body truly like to move?
Good luck.
Kat

[Kookie]

DAY 14 (yesterday): SUCCESS.

Thanks Kat. That totally makes sense - this is what people talk about NoS having a knock-on effect in other areas isn't it? I can't be respecting my desires (and my need for boundaries) in one area of my life without wanting to apply the same principles to other areas. I know I still need to exercise (for which I also need boundaries/discipline otherwise I'd just do nothing!!) but also need to respect my desires...Akin to an N day - fulfil my desires within boundaries.

Actually I did end up going to the gym today with one of my colleagues who I love. We worked out together which was fun. I like working out with someone even if it's just bog standard boring treadmill and weights but if I'm by myself which ordinarily I am, I think I'd much prefer yoga or pilates or find a dance class. It's tricky because I go to the gym in my lunch break which is SO convenient because it doesn't encroach on my own time, so to speak. BUT the sort of exercise I think I'd prefer probably isn't going to be catered for at the gym...annoying. Not sure what to do. I've been thinking about it for a while now..

My food today has been quite fruit heavy...for breakfast I had 2 boiled eggs and 2 plums with a milky tea...then two lattes throughout the morning (once again, I chose a 'diet head' type breakfast which meant I needed 2 milky coffees rather than just one but this is the LAST time I do this...I need to eat what I actually WANT). Lunch was a chicken salad with avo and seeds and a bunch of grapes and an apple. The reason I had this lunch was because I am using my Mum's company (a catering company) for 10 days...I am getting lunch and dinner (and 2 snacks which I combine with the meals) delivered to my door every day. So spoilt! It's fantastic but I find I have to supplement the meals with fruit because of NoS because I do have quite a large appetite!

It's funny, I have always wanted to get my Mum's company's food delivered but now that I am getting it delivered, I find that often I don't want what they have given me....the food is totally delicious, healthy and very good quality and I have my own breakfasts. But I am much more aware of what I want to eat than I used to be. For instance today was a really large and delicious salad from my Mum's place but I think I would've chosen something hot...or a baguette from Pret.

I wont' get the deliveries next week and only get them when i'm feeling run down and not in the mood for cooking. It's hard because I get a 70% discount! So I get 2 meals for less than £9 a day which are really good quality food. And it means no shopping and no cooking. BUT BUT BUT my desires and what I want to eat are actually very important and I don't always want what I'm given!!

Anyway, the day is going great - I think by Tuesday I start to feel better after the S days. Mondays I am finding difficult emotionally and physically but by Tuesday I feel more stable. I really think my body is sensitive to sugar and crap. Which is NOT to say I am going to stop having it, just that I need to factor in being a bit low on Mondays!

[lpearlmom]

Just remember you don't have to be perfect. There's not one solution to this eating & exercising stuff. It's good to be flexible with your choices.

Eggs may be good for some people but if that's not doing it for you maybe peanut butter on toast or turkey sausage or whatever sounds good & will carry you through to lunch.

It's great when you can get exactly what you want to eat but sometimes you just have to go for whats available or convenient. Sometimes you may wake up after a big meal the night before & you need something light so maybe a smoothie will do. Other times you may wake up ravenous & eggs and bacon may be in order.

Same thing with exercise, if the gym thing is working pretty well because of your ability to do it on your lunch break than that might be more important than trying to take up yoga right now. Or maybe you'll try walking on your lunch break with a friend.

The point is don't worry about finding a perfect solution. Keep to the structure of nos & the rest is a work in progress. If one meal or exercise session turns out to be less than satisfactory it's ok because they'll be another opportunity right around the corner to try it again.

Sorry for going on so long but you're doing so well & don't want you to get sidetracked with perfectionist thinking.

Linda

[Kookie]

Day 15 (yesterday): SUCCESS

Thanks so much Linda, I really appreciate you taking the time to write what you did. You're so right, I can get all perfectionistic about how my life should look when the truth is that it's all good enough!! I need to just relax and accept more. Definitely. And it's true, the gym in my lunch break does really work - I keep imagining how much better it would be if I did yoga and dance classes but it's just not as convenient. Yay, thanks for reminding me to let go a little I can't hear that message enough!!

Yesterday was really hard in the afternoon - I felt SO HUNGRY!!!! I guess lunch wasn't enough...I got a bit desperate and rushed home to have my supper. After that I felt fine. So pleased I stayed firm. It's always such a relief when I wake up in the mornings and don't have that crushing recollection of a binge the night before....

I ate my favourite breakfast this morning but I ate it a bit compulsively - I usually eat my breakfast at work at around 9am but this morning I just thought 'screw it' and ate a big bowl of muesli with natural yogurt at home at around 7:30am. Consequently I was a bit late for work. Obviously it's totally fine, I'm just curious about what was going on for me because it had the same energy as I have before I binge - the 'I don't care about the consequences, I'm just going to do it!'. I think what was going on was that I was thinking about a social thing I'm doing tonight which I'm a bit nervous about.

I'm very hungry for lunch! Yesterday was my first real wobble because I did really feel hungry in the afternoon and today I don't feel particularly stable either but I just need to stick to NoS and try to be kind to myself.

thanks for being there everyone!

[clarebear]

keep going kookie you're doing brilliant

[Kookie]

Yeah, I guess I am Thanks Clarebear! I feel SO much better!!!! Already! Yay!
x

[clarebear]

just think too, you have only been doing this for 2 weeks, imagine how you'll feel in 2 years!

Set freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Kookie]

Set free sounds good to me!!! Bring it on!!!

Argh, am so annoyed with myself for eating to little for lunch AGAIN. Am hungry! Big mug of milky tea coming up! Do you drink anything between meals Clarebear?

[clarebear]

I started off drinking a glass of milk in the afternoon as the gap was too big but am used to it now, I have a 2 litre bottle of water that I glug throughout my day at work and then a couple of brews whenever I feel like them
have recently switched to decaff though, I weirdly actually prefer the taste too!

I'm having one as I type

[Kookie]

Oh yes, I think I remember reading that on your post about the milk... decaff tea or decaff coffee?? I think I need to have at least one decaff out of all my other drinks as my caffeine intake has somewhat skyrocketed!! And it's really just the hot milkyness that I'm after rather than the caffeine (apart from first thing in the morning!).

I'm having a couple of brews tonight in the pub! Yay!

[Tessytwinkle]

Kookie. You are doing so brilliantly. Your journey gives me hope. Keep going

[Kookie]

Day 16 (success): SUCCESS

Last night was so much fun! And I know for darn sure that I would not have had the courage to go to this pub quiz with the people in my building if it weren't for NoS. Seriously, I'm not kidding. I feel so much freer. The only not so great thing is that I had 2 cigarettes - WTF?! I have had an on/off battle with them for about 20 years. Started smoking to help me stop eating :-/ Anyway, mark it (re: the cigs) and move on. Had two gin and tonics at the pub (only one of them was slimline tonic...the other was regular tonic but that's okay isn't it on an Nday. Course it is!).

Thanks Tessy...that's such a lovely thing to say. Right back at you! Here's to a green day - big, tasty meals to see us through and whatever we need to drink in between.

[Kookie]

ps/ I'm out to dinner tomorrow (Friday) night with some girlfriends and I'm a bit worried because we are going to a Turkish restaurant...I know those kinds of restaurants, they are notorious for bringing little dishes and everyone mucking in. Bit nervous! It might be a little strange to wait for all the food to arrive before eating one plateful as they tend to bring the food in dribs and drabs. Is this a situation which calls for virtual plating?? What is virtual plating? I mean, I understand the concept but I'd love to know more. Or should I just call it an 's' event?? They are lovely girls but I wouldn't feel comfortable explaining why I'm not eating as the food comes and why I'm piling it onto one plate. It doesn't really justify being an 's' event but I don't want a red day either just for the sake of fitting in! Not when I'm so close to the 21 day club!! Any suggestions gratefully received!

[lpearlmom]

Hi Kookie!

You're doing so great! Sorry about the cigs, but these things happen! Regular gin & tonic fine on an N day yes!

For your situation Friday night I would probably just call it an S event just so you can relax & enjoy the night. I did that the other night when we had friends over for dinner and it really helped me to have a starting and stopping point. I think I did it from 6-10pm so I didn't feel compelled to snack till midnight or something just because it was an S event.

Whatever you decide I'm sure you'll handle it well though!

Linda

[Kookie]

Ah thanks so much Linda!! Okay, that's what I'll do. I'll call it an S event only in terms of not having one plate at one time but will not use it as an excuse to have dessert! I will save that for the weekend. I'll call the start of the S event the start of the meal and the end of the s event, the end of the meal. Contained.

Yay!

[lpearlmom]

Sounds like a great plan--enjoy!

[automatedeating]

I did however notice that mentally I was very hard on myself, quite paranoid and indecisive and kept feeling wired.

This is how I am feeling tonight. In that book, Hungry, the author says that he didn't start to feel his real emotions until he regulated his eating. I almost wonder if that is a little of what's happening to me .....

[Kookie]

Day 17 (yesterday): SUCCESS
B: big bowl porridge with chopped banana and tablespoon tahini
L: Big salad with chicken, beans and hazelnuts with olive oil and balsamic
S: 2 salmon and butternut fishcakes, new potatoes and green beans/asparagus/mange tout with c.1T butter
In between: 2 lattes, 4 milky teas

I've decided to write down what I ate the day before...not sure why but just want to - it might prove illuminating. Yesterday's lunch - although it looks quite healthy - had a lot of oil on it and lots of nuts and really did see me through absolutely until supper which I only had at 8:30pm! Wasn't even that hungry!

Hey automatedeating - do you recommend that book? Is it a good read? I've read so many books over the years but can never resist a recommendation. You mentioned a will power book as well on your page.. Paranoia, indecision, feeling wired, shaming myself are usually signs that I am extremely tired, hungover or ill. I'm so glad I've learnt this about myself (with the help of my therapist ) Hope you feel better soon! Sending a hug.

Linda - thanks for the validation! You're the best! I'm actually hoping that I'll be able to have a normal N day and not have to take it as an S event tonight but I've given myself the option if it is a sharing food setup.

It's so nice to be able to be flexible because that is realistic and means I can be prepared. If I was told 'No, you're not allowed to take it as an 's' event!!', the chances are that I would be too embarrassed in front of people to stick to that and then I would think I'd blown it and probably have loads of bread and dessert as well as binge all the way home....and conclude that socialising doesn't work for me. It's happened SO many times and it's so sad how much I have punished myself for not sticking to a plan/diet and then concluded that I have to stay away from people in order to be safe food-wise.

Looking forward to the weekend!

[automatedeating]

Thanks for the encouragement that my fatigue is probably the primary reason I am feeling so ..... inadequate! I will try to get some sleep, but I have so much going on I was up at 4am this morning thinking about things. Ugh. Maybe a sleeping pill is in order this weekend.

Yes, I do recommend Hungry. Here's why: 1. It's cheap on Kindle, so even if you don't like it, you're only out $2.99. 2. It's a fast read. You'll be done with it in a couple of days. I haven't read much about eating disorders, so this book was quite an eye-opener for me. The author said one of his goals was to let others out there know they are not alone. So many disordered eaters hide their eating, and it has become so shameful for them, that they are afraid to seek help with others and reveal the depths of their problem.

WalkerLori read it, too, although I didn't see her final analysis; i.e. recommend or not.

[lpearlmom]

Sounds great Kookie! A back up plan so you're covered either way. Your meals look great. I like having a big salad for lunch too but yeah it definitely needs real dressing and a good amount of protein to carry me through to dinner.

So glad you're able to socialize and enjoy your life again--so great! Keep up the good work!

Linda

[Kookie]

Day 18: SUCCESS
B/ oats soaked in natural full fat sheep's yogurt with 1 chopped banana
L/ one burrito (large) with chicken, veggies, sour cream and cheese
S/ one plateful of a selection of mezze (eg falafel, lamb, salad, homous) with 2 hunks of bread followed by a cappuccino
In between: plenty of milky teas and coffees (6!)

The only dodgy thing was that I added the second hunk of bread mid-way through the meal rather than having it on my plate with the other one to start with. I could call that a fail but I'm not going to because it was officially an S event although the reality was that I didn't need to take it as an s event because it wasn't a sharing scenario. But as it's a grey area, I'm calling it a success. In my heart I know that the second hunk of bread was not necessary and no one would've cared or noticed if I'd had two hunks to begin with or none at all but even so it's fine as my mindset was that it would be an 's' event. See how lack of clarity is causing justification!?!? It started as an s event then I decided it was not necessary and so I called it N but if it was N then I would've put the second hunk on my plate before I began eating (it would've fit). Oh dear, is it a fail? No, it's not a fail!! Surely?!

I need sleep, I'm getting stressed!! It was fine, a lovely evening with girlfriends and that is the important thing. I think I was a little hyper as I talked a lot and 'entertained' lot - childhood default mode. But still, lovely time. I love my little routine of buying a pack of sugar free gum on a Friday night on my way home which I make last throughout the weekend. Gum needs to be 'an s' for me (but starting Friday night - a nice ritual at the end of the week) because I can go through packets and packets of it. Strange but true! So cool that I can be disciplined around it now it seems! Who is this person I've become?! Am loving that I'm learning the difference between discipline and deprivation. Had never made the distinction before NoS. Discipline can be fun, deprivation is NEVER fun!

[jw]

I'd call it a pass -- it would've fit and if you hadn't had one foot in S mode all day, you would have put it on the plate anyway. But good for you, to catch yourself in the self-justification game! You have made wonderful changes in a relatively short time!

[Kookie]

Thanks so much jw! I agree and thinking about it, it WAS a sharing experience because we were sharing the bread basket

The lesson here is that if I decide - and commit to the forum ahead of time - that an event is an 's' then that is that. Just as it's dangerous to suddenly declare something an 's' event in the moment because I want to, so too does it apply the other way round. Deciding at the table that it was an ' n' event is where I went wrong, not taking the second hunk of bread.

It makes a mockery of the plan if I can, on a whim, declare a meal an 's' OR an 'n'. Both scenarios set me up to fail. It was an 's' event which I had decided ahead of time. And a very tame one at that. End of story.

[jw]

I think that's what Reinhard means by "fence around the law," Kookie. If we don't keep it fairly black and white, it's easy to make exceptions for ourselves and tweak the rules and then justify that until what we're doing is just as random as before. So much easier just to do what works!

[Kookie]

Bit of a wild day but not as bad as last week..

Breakfast/ 2 pieces of toast with nut butter and 1big banana, milky tea
Mid-morning/ latte
Lunch/ noodle salad, very large salted caramel brownie, milky tea
Afternoon/ milky tea
Supper/ pasta with cheese, garlic, few veggies, bowl of assorted treats (yogurt covered almonds, licorice sweeties, white chocolates with mango), milky tea
Later/ another milky tea, piece of carrot cake and some more white choc mango sweets

Urgh, full!

[Kookie]

9am/ 2 toasts with 2 boiled eggs and butter, milky tea
12:30pm/ 2 lattes, half a bowl of olives
4pm/ big bag of kettle crisps, mango and white chocolates (lots), milky tea
7pm/ bowl of salad with olive oil and seeds, bag of licorice sweets
9pm/ 2 servings of rice and veggies with butter, milky tea

SO MUCH FOOD!! Feel awful. Have been chasing satisfaction in food all day and nothing has satisfied because I have been full to bursting all day. I've been trying to satisfy an emotional hunger with food.

But I trust the process..

Bring on Monday!!

[automatedeating]

Good for you to trust the process. That too-full feeling eventually causes me to crave the healthy feeling of hunger for an approaching meal.

I am not able to articulate this idea, yet.... but it is something like this: Being hungry for a meal, and then enjoying the meal can become a self-rewarding cycle that actually has a stronger reward built-in than the reward of eating for emotional reasons. I am hoping that when I have lost 10 pounds and been doing NoS for 10 months (ha!) and it's time for my testimonial that I will be able to articulate this point.

So, yes, trust the process. I have also overeaten today, but I'm getting a little better at stopping myself as I realize how unsatisfied I am. And I have very little desire to snack.... I'll think about it, and usually decide I don't want that full feeling. So progress comes. And all the long-timers keep telling us to let S days take care of themselves. We should prioritize our self-management for the N days.

And tomorrow is an N Day! Yay! Structured moderation, here we come.

[lpearlmom]

Yep S days will calm down. Everyone told me that but I didn't believe it. I thought maybe I'm just too screwed up to eat without structure. I tried a few structured S days but that was no good.

So trusted the process, like you, and the last two weekends have been super calm without me really thinking about it. I think it starts to happen when N days become so ingrained in you that you kind of forget an S day is even upon you.

I still look forward to my Mondays though!

Linda

[Kookie]

Hey Linda! Just posted on your thread so ignore my question there...you've already answered it here! I guess I am where you were - not believing that my S days will calm down. I do need to trust but today I feel so gross. I had to try on about 5 different work outfits - none of my trousers fit me comfortably! And they used to be loose! I don't think I've gained weight on NoS but I definitely gained BEFORE I started NoS and haven't dropped any. Or have I gained on NoS?!

Since I woke up I have been obsessing how I can make my N day meals all protein and veg so that I can drop a bit of weight. It didn't help that my breakfast this morning (oats soaked in yogurt with goji berries) was such a massive portion that I am feeling bloated and overfull. Not good for a Monday morning.

Urgh, I just want to be skinny again!!

Automated, thanks so much for the post...I think you hit the nail on the head - on S days I eat for emotional reasons and it DOES NOT SATISFY ME!! I don't want to institute a mod but I do think that I might be better served having proper meals. Yesterday I didn't have proper meals, I just ate willy nilly all day long.

I must remember that Mondays are always yuck days for me. I felt like this last Monday too. Need to get some perspective and stop planning a low-carb, NoS diet!!

[clarebear]

Hello Kookie

If it makes you feel any better I feel yukky too 11th week on NOs and my S days are still quite wild. But, I'm trusting the process and know it will level off. Yes I'd like it to be now but it just doesn't work like that!

Your body will take a long time to adjust to you feeding it properly and not restricting yourself, your metabolism is probably damaged so just give it time and you will get there. Just think, by tomorrow you will start to feel better.

I ate willy nilly all day long yesterday too, think I need to get a meal structure into my S days somehow, everything else has happened quite naturally so am just going to wait it out a few more weeks and see what happens

[Kookie]

Thanks Clarebear...you're right, I think I will take some time to adjust and for my body to trust that I won't be restricting food any time soon. Thinking about it, I have restricted food (apart from bingeing) my whole life since I was 14. It's not going to change after only 21 days (did you hear that everyone?! 21 days today!! whoop whoop! Tomorrow I join the 21 day club!).

I was thinking about meal structure on S days too Clarebear and I read somewhere (can't remember where) about someone who keeps the 3 meal/plate a day structure and puts the sweets on the plate too on S Days. I think that might work for me, actually. Feels like it might be a relief actually. So, 3 meals a day and put my sweets on the plate too at meal times. That's what I did on Saturday because I was hanging out with my Mum and Saturday was a bit better than Sunday.

Thanks so much for your support!

I'd like to just say too, on a positive note, how much braver I have been since doing NoS because I feel 'safe'. When my food is good - neither too much freedom nor too much restriction - I feel safe and can manage my emotions so much better and consequently I can manage life much better. I did two new things last week which I've been meaning to do for ages: a pub quiz and visiting my friend in Camberwell. Quite out of my comfort zone.

[clarebear]

woohoo for the 21 day club

Yes, I've read that too. It is a good idea and would stop me bingeing on large bags of crisps like I did yesterday :-S but means I can have a dessert after my meals If i like and If i want crisps i can have them but as part of a meal like i do during the week!

So pleased for you about your comfort zone thingy too, it's brilliant

[Kookie]

Me too with the big bags of crisps....doesn't even occur to me to buy the small bags! Yeah, one plateful on S days (unless out at a restaurant or something) is a good idea isn't it? Even if my one plate was full of crap, at least it would have a beginning, middle and end...! I might gently try it next weekend just to see...shall we?

How did the tasting go Clarebear??

[clarebear]

Yep, will try it with you too
And you're so right about the beginning middle and end haha! So true

Ahh it was lovely thanks, really enjoyed it and didn't feel one bit of guilt as it
Was an S event Now we just have to decide what to choose!!

[Kookie]

Yay, let's try it! But only as an experiment, reserving all rights to go back to uncomfortably bingeing our heads off

[clarebear]

haha indeed

[lpearlmom]

S days should get better but it never hurts to experiment. I know one Saturday I did 3 plates plus two small saucer sized plates for snacks--1 between lunch & dinner and 1 after dinner. I allowed sweets on all plates. It worked really well but on Sunday I knew I just needed a day without rules so and haven't done any S day mods since.

I finally decided I needed S days even though I might not enjoy them very much. Sometimes you need to experience darkness to appreciate lightness. Every week we get a reminder of why we love/need N days so much. When I feel tempted to go off NoS during the week I can remember to the chaos of just a few days ago & remember how much I actually prefer structure.

I think by the time we no longer need that weekly reminder our S days have gotten into a healthy groove. This is just my experience though and I think an important part of NoS is experimenting to see what works best for each of us.

And yes Mondays are tough so don't make any decisions based on how you feel today!!

Sorry to go on so long!

Linda

[jw]

Did you notice how automatedeating and Linda look forward to Mondays, Kookie? I do too! There's such a safety in the N day structure -- but we wouldn't appreciate it without the S day excesses we've all gone through!

Try buying the smaller size bag but promising yourself you can go out and get another one at any time over the weekend . . . it's not a mod, just a little conversation you're having with yourself! Half the time you'll be too comfy at home to bother going out for the second bag! And the half of the time you succumb -- well, it's an S day, you're allowed to!

[Kookie]

Clarebear - forgot to say..11 weeks!! Awesome work, girl!! Well done!!

Linda - please don't apologise for going on, I LOVE all your feedback and totally welcome it.. Yeah, I know s days will calm down and I know that this is part of the process and if sticking to 3plates (with sweets on them) on s days feels in ANY way restrictive I'll drop it..and if I don't stick to it either on one or both days I certainly wouldn't consider it a fail.. As jw says, it'll just be a conversation with myself rather than a mod (jw, I love the way you put that)..just knowing it's an option to have 3 plates on s days makes me feel less anxious about the weekend so I might not even need to do it!

It's tricky because having been bulimic for so many years, I think I've had my fill of darkness. But I also do want to trust the NoS process and respect the need for my psyche or whatever it is to go through the process and calm down naturally ... We shall see!! But it's also ok to experiment too.

Must stop and get some zzzzz!!

Love my NoS family!!

[Kookie]

DAY 21 (yesterday): SUCCESS and now a member of the 21 day club!
B/ bowl of oats, yogurt and goji berries
L/ baked potatoe, 1T mayo, tin of tuna and bag of spinach
S/ brown rice, roasted veggies and pataks sauce
In between: 5 milky teas and 1 milky coffee

Today I feel like a different person. Mondays are a b1tch after 2 days of 'S'ing. What a difference a day makes.

[jw]

yay, 21! that's a real achievement! You go, girl!

[lpearlmom]

Yay Kookie congrats!!!!

It actually seemed to get easier for me. after the 21st day but you are already doing so well anyway. So glad you're feeling better today!

Linda

[Kookie]

Thanks so much jw and Linda!! I'm really pleased and yes, Linda, it is definitely getting easier. No doubt! The first week I was so hungry!! Hooray!

[Tessytwinkle]

Kookie. 21 days is so brilliant, well done you. It has been a struggle at times but the best things are worth fighting for

[Kookie]

Day 22 (yesterday): SUCCESS
B/ yogurt, seeds, banana
L/ salad, salmon, avocado, oil, plums
S/ rice, veggies, butter and curry paste
In between: 4 milky teas, 1 milky coffee

Nothing to report. Much less hunger between meals.

Thanks for the encouragement Tessy! If I can do it, ANYONE can!!

[lpearlmom]

Yay for less hunger!!

[clarebear]

Your days will Feel So much easier now you've hit 21 days!
Roll on 100

[Kookie]

Day 23 (yesterday): GREEN
B/ 1.5 apples with a little pot of almond nut butter (spread onto apple slices - YUM)
L/ chicken wrap with salad
S/ salmon, avocado, salad, olive oil, black bean noodles
In between: 4 milky teas and 1 very milky coffee (latte)

All good! Had a weird one last night though as I ate a whole avocado with my supper and didn't really enjoy it. Have decided I don't actually really like avocado, only eating it because I know it's good for me. Then after supper I felt really compulsive...I knew I wasn't going to break my N day but I felt that old familiar sense of unease. It was triggered by feeling I'd eaten too much and by not enjoying my meal. But because I didn't act on it, the underlying feelings eventually bubbled up to the surface and I had a bit of a cry and then felt fine again!

[Kookie]

Linda - yes, yay for less hunger!!! That was my biggest fear and now I can see that it was unfounded, as everyone reassured me..
Clarebear - roll on 100 indeed! You must be pretty close?

[clarebear]

12th November

[Kookie]

Woo hoo!!! AWESOME!

[jw]

"But because I didn't act on it, the underlying feelings eventually bubbled up to the surface and I had a bit of a cry and then felt fine again!"

This is huge, Kookie! Well done!