Harpista's Check-In

[thtrchic]

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard first half of the year. It sounds like it really has been challenging. I'm glad to see you back again. And, yes, I'm sure you can do it!

Julie

[harpista]

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard first half of the year. It sounds like it really has been challenging. I'm glad to see you back again. And, yes, I'm sure you can do it!

Julie

Thanks Julie.

[harpista]

Working on "failing better" right now. I consider myself to have re-started No-S this month (again... easily the fifth time? I don't even know, but the important thing is I am not stopping so I am not really concerned, either).

I started HabitCal again for the month of July! Harpista's July HabitCal! I actually find seeing all that red motivating in the "fail better" department.

I am tracking:
- NoS (Vanilla, but I eat 4x per day)
- Harp (practice falls to the wayside every so often)
- Dog (I don't usually walk him, but here's my 14 minute activity, plus opportunity to take better care of responsibility)
- Sleep 7 hrs (kinda self explanatory; I have a tendency to stay up way too late, often for little good reason, eg chatting or surfing online, or watching movies)

Edited to add: Yes, my dog gets daily walks, just from family members and not me; I also take him for swimming in a dog pool weekly. I don't want to give the impression he is neglected.

Sleep deprivation is a bad idea for anyone trying to lose weight or who has my metabolic disorder. I keep reminding myself of this. From WebMD article on the subject:

How Hormones Affect Your Sleep

Leptin and ghrelin work in a kind of "checks and balances" system to control feelings of hunger and fullness, explains Michael Breus, PhD, a faculty member of the Atlanta School of Sleep Medicine and director of The Sleep Disorders Centers of Southeastern Lung Care in Atlanta. Ghrelin, which is produced in the gastrointestinal tract, stimulates appetite, while leptin, produced in fat cells, sends a signal to the brain when you are full.

So what's the connection to sleep? "When you don't get enough sleep, it drives leptin levels down, which means you don't feel as satisfied after you eat. Lack of sleep also causes ghrelin levels to rise, which means your appetite is stimulated, so you want more food," Breus tells WebMD

But let's be honest, I was really inspired by a mention of this little factoid in Glamour magazine which I have come across a couple times:

Sleep and medical experts Michael Breus, Ph.D., and Steven Lamm, M.D., created a plan for seven Glamour readers of varying weights. The women’s one simple goal: Get at least seven and a half hours of sleep a night. That’s it. In fact, we asked the women not to make any significant diet or exercise changes—we wanted to see if sleep and sleep alone would make a difference. Did it ever! Week by week, we were amazed by the results the women reported. At the end of 10 weeks, Réal Hamilton-Romeo, 30, dropped seven pounds; Kate Foley, 25, lost six; Lisa Braverman, 34, took off nine pounds; Brelyn Johnson, 28, lost 10 pounds; Paige Barr, 35, shed 12; and—are you ready for this?—Ehmonie Hainey, 33, lost 15.

They even say it should be seven AND A HALF hours, but seven would be a world of improvement for me. And I hate going to bed. Hence the posting time on this update.... But I'm going now. Really!

[harpista]

Blockbuster update!!!

I have made amazing changes in my life since 2011. 2012 was my year of changing everything.

In October 2011, I met a new boyfriend (first in years) and quickly became serious.

In 2012, we did the following: I got my license and we went on a road trip; I got pregnant (Feb/March) and we got engaged (April); I moved out of my parents' house in a Greater Toronto bedroom city and we got an apartment together near his work, in a small town (~1 hr away, July); we got married (September) and I had our darling son (November). If you are tired and stressed and thinking about a bag of potato chips just reading this, imagine doing it. My mom and most everyone I knew told me I am completely nuts

I did have to drop out of school, as I was upgrading in order to enter the veterinary technician programme, but my pregnancy was not a happy one physically, and I became a full time patient. Now I am just getting over the birth (also not happy for me physically), and I am a stay-at-home mom (for forseeable future at least).

The strangest thing was, my pregnancy included gestational diabetes, among other complications. I went on a low carb diabetic diet as per doctor's orders, insulin, measured exercise, blood sugar testing and the whole shebang. I was ignoring my weight creep and pretending it wasn't happening, but at the time of my son's conception I weighed about 315 pounds. However... After his birth, and rigorous conformation to the diet, insulin, and activity recommendations, I weighed 287!! My son came out tall and lean at 7 lb 11 oz, but 21" long. He is still off the chart for height at his age and wears baggy onesies that are chosen for length, not girth!

SO...

That's right, the fat lady had a baby and lost 20-30 pounds. Too funny. (Don't get me started about people interrogating me during my pregnancy about my diet, weight loss, and so on. It was a horrid experience: strangers, acquaintances, family, doctors, nurses all jerks, and my husband out to "defend my honour!") But he was the best motivation ever to conform to my diet; and I found out that once you get past the initial "I hate this #$&* diet" stage, reasonable diets CAN become your new normal.

After some compensatory "party party party in the fridge!!" time, I regained 6 lb I never wanted to see again, and currently weigh
293 lb.

I am breastfeeding, so I want to hook myself up with the potential weight loss. I plan to resume the No-S diet with the simple additions of a) installing the main restriction from my diabetes diet: no more than 30g of carbs at any one time, and b) having an afternoon teatime in order to fit my daily number of carbs into my diet, and to keep energy up for mothering and breastfeeding.

High blood sugar is bad for a gestational diabetic, but it also means fat gain in "normal" populations. And frankly, I want to ward off becoming type 2 diabetic in 20-30 years. So weight loss and low carb. Huzzah

[harpista]

320 lb. this morning.

That's the highest weight of my entire adult life (that I recorded; I suspect I was as heavy right at the time I conceived my kiddo, just shaped differently).

My big pregnancy sweats are wearing out between the thighs, and most of my pants don't fit. Post-pregnancy, my gut is shaped differently than previously, and I have a shiny new hernia, so those aren't helping me regain my wardrobe either. Ahhh, I don't think the hernia had shown its ugly face yet in February. I hate being "broken" and it is interfering with my daily life. Surgery is not an option for me due to size unless it's an emergency situation. I'd also like more kidlets, if possible, in future, but I definitely need to lose weight just in order to keep up with my little guy as it is.

So, lots of motivation.

I also have 10+ other things I track every day on my Habitcal.

I guess I can add No S back since I'm already using Habitcal anyway!

[harpista]

It is something I heard about AA, that they recommend "one day at a time."

Thankfully, alcoholism is not amongst my problems. But I still thought it was a useful slogan. Making it to JUST ONE FULL DAY of No S is one of my problems, just now. But no dice, I had to make it even simpler; as of today, instead of thinking in days, which are too hard somehow, I'm going to tell myself... "Just make it until the next meal. Just don't snack or eat sweets until the next meal." Then at the meal, don't add seconds. But seconds have never been the hardest part for me, it's the easiest habit by a wide margin. So far today, so good; I cut out my "cooking snack" while making breakfast... When did THAT become a habit? It sounds so utterly gluttonous... And I also managed not to eat between breakfast and lunch.

Now, medically exempted and so forth, I have to just not eat until tea time. TODAY, tea is late, 6ish, because my husband works late. I want to eat dinner with him around 9:30, and not by biting his head off when he arrives because I am too angry from hunger.

Speaking of my husband, I found out yesterday I weigh more than he does. He is about 4" taller than me, and while we're both overweight, and he's a teddy bear type, he's got a much lower BMI than I do. Somehow, my weight is 50,000x harder to deal with while also thinking, "You weigh more than your husband does. Unfeminine! Unsexy! Frumpy! Lumpish!" Even though I know he loves me and reassures me he is attracted to me, I have gained over FORTY pounds since our baby was born.

I need an everyday system for cleaning. Other than the morning and night routines, Flylady is too involved for me. I like Unfuck Your Habitat, but without a routine/habit to engage in the cleaning, not happening. With the right habits, I can probably fix 99% of my life problems.

Trying to harness existing habits is just difficult.

[jw]

Hi Harpista! Just looking in to welcome you and wish you good luck with No S. I gained about 35 pounds I could ill afford last fall/winter, also for medical reasons (I was on high doses of prednisone for three months). This works beyond my wildest expectations, now that I can put my focus into it! Make that initial effort to get in the groove, and you will be amazed at how easy and natural it becomes.

Happy S Days!

PS Try not to berate yourself about your weight -- it's not as motivating as you might think. Every bad feeling you create will demand to be soothed with a snack at some point . . .

[automatedeating]

Hi Harpista,
You sound so discouraged and down on yourself. I feel for you. You can do this! Like jw said, so many of us really "like" NoSing once we get groovin' with it... It is not a matter of getting over hating it, it is more like falling in love with a partner in an arranged marriage!

[Kittykat150]

PS Try not to berate yourself about your weight -- it's not as motivating as you might think. Every bad feeling you create will demand to be soothed with a snack at some point . . .

This is spot on! Nothing good comes from stinkin' thinkin'. Stop that as much as possible.
And automatedeating: "falling in love with a partner in an arranged marriage", what an awesome analogy. Love it!
Harpista,
You can do this. You really can. Take your time. This is forever, no rush. Ease into it like learning to walk. You wouldn't yell at your baby every time she fell down. You would gently pick her up and steady her to try again.
Best of luck,
Kat

[harpista]

PS Try not to berate yourself about your weight -- it's not as motivating as you might think. Every bad feeling you create will demand to be soothed with a snack at some point . . .

Oh it's so true. If I'm not yelling at myself about my weight, I yell at myself for living in a pig sty.

Then I don't want to go into the kitchen and clean at all; I go in, grab some chocolate... And never come back.

Thanks jw.

[harpista]

Hi Harpista,
You sound so discouraged and down on yourself. I feel for you. You can do this! Like jw said, so many of us really "like" NoSing once we get groovin' with it... It is not a matter of getting over hating it, it is more like falling in love with a partner in an arranged marriage!

You're right, I'm in a pretty dark place just now. I am trying to grind my teeth and get on with it, but most days are pretty much awful.

Pregnancy, then recovery from my emergency c-section, nursing, and associated body changes have been really hard on my self-image, which wasn't great to start with. But now that I have a hernia, associated pain and scarring, my belly fat has decided to move down towards my knees, my boobs (already too large for my taste) have grown maybe 50%, and I gained so much postpartum weight... I am in a bad place.

I wrote a whole screed in response to this comment but it is so long. I was going to write a post anyway so I will incorporate it in there.

Re: the arranged marriage, hahaha! Just since I married, I love my husband so much more than I did on our wedding day; one day I opened my mouth and brains fell out (eg I said "I am amazed, why did I ever say yes? I love you so much more now than then," but he took it in the spirit intended).

[harpista]

Current weight is 320, although I dipped as low as 316 this week, it didn't stick.

Here's my Habitcal again. I keep a paper copy on which I write my daily weight, so I only update this in chunks. I have had two successful days of No-S since I started again. I am actually happy with this. I'm failing better. Less overkill, less sweets, less mindless grazing.

So yeah, being in a dark place. It's not just the 40ish pounds I gained SINCE having the baby. The immediate consequence? Most of my clothes are tighter now in the waist or riding up over my embiggened boobs and belly, letting my gut and scar show for the world*. Embarrassing when visiting the in-laws for dinner, and you realize 3" of belly is hanging out the bottom of your t-shirt... And only 2 or 3 of your pairs of jeans even do up.

I am also mad at me for not doing a better job of my job- which is stay at home mom. My weight has got to the point I notice that I am awkward, unwilling to do things, in pain when I try. I hurt when I stand up. I hurt when I walk. I can't get down or up easily. My knees hurt when I get off the couch... I feel old. My sister-in-law is 8 years older than me and she's slender and energetic and zips around and plays on the floor with the baby... She's younger than me...

So, I'm at that point my weight is starting to disable me, which is INCREDIBLY scary. I also look around and realize that, back when I was 270 lb and pre-hernia, I might have been big but I also would've quickly nixed a bunch of the mess and procrastinated cleaning tasks around here. I found it much easier to perform basic self care, I was much happier to do cooking and cleaning tasks, I worked all day!

Now I have to track combing my hair in Habitcal to try and coax myself to do it every day... My dog isn't getting enough exercise, I won't get down to play with my baby on the floor, who so desperately needs the harder surface to learn new motor skills... I always thought I'd do so much better than this. It's so dreadfully disappointing and depressing that every day I see all the ways "old me" expected more, and actually did better then than I actually do now. Of course I am also still feeling like I failed at childbirth, and c-section/hernia is a punishment or something. It's been a year, I'm still deeply disappointed in myself/my body...

It is not just an appearance thing, I am used to being STRONG (a consolation prize for being big in a way), and able to do whatever I needed to. Now my hernia is growing, the pain is every day and I am a poor candidate for surgery. I went to see a surgeon who thought the only surgery I should have is bariatric. She was a dink and didn't answer any of my questions directly. I am also deeply against the surgery for myself. But no hernia repairs are likely to "hold" unless I lose the weight first.

* Yes my c-section scar is vertical and above my waist. Due to the configuration of my existing fat and the urgency with which they needed to get the kiddo out. Basically the most painful to heal, likeliest to cause hernia (and it did!), and ugly as sin.

[jw]

Glad you returned, Harpista -- this is a very supportive group and it sounds like you could use some cheerleaders.

Here's the thing -- many people gain 30-40 pounds during a pregnancy and see an increase in breast size as well. It's just that you started at a higher weight. You have a happy, healthy baby, so there's no way you did pregnancy wrong! And your husband courted you and married you at a high weight, so you shouldn't be worrying about that, either.

The old you is still you, just temporarily slowed down by the after-effects of pregnancy. Your physical limitations are a legitimate wake up call -- a real incentive to learn moderation so that you can enjoy life with your husband and baby. I think you can, if you commit to it. No S is such a black-and-white, no-excuses approach, it really takes a lot of the guesswork out of food issues.

Just go for it -- aim to lose the baby weight first, take it one day at a time -- the days will pass anyway, so give it a try!

[eschano]

Hear Hear JW!

Harpista, I think you are doing so well considering everything. When I see my friends with small baby's I'm in awe of how much strength it takes to go through pregnancy, in some cases - not just yours - to recover from surgery, and then to take care of the baby while your body is still exhausted.

I hope you find a way of viewing yourself how I view you and not how you described yourself. In my eyes you are already strong and did not fail whatsoever. Now, just focus on one N-plate at a time and within a short amount of time it will be N days, green N day weeks, green months, and the 40 pounds will have dropped again (perfect compliance not necessary by the way). In the meantime, please be as kind to yourself as you are no doubt to your baby.

[harpista]

Eschano, jw, thank you for the kind words. I am trying so hard to believe it.

I haven't had one single DAY where I succeeded in No S since my last post. My new high weight is 328; I was 322 lb this morning. Oh holy crap.

But I haven't really tried much either. Lots of drama-y drama on both sides of the family. Having in-laws can be a vexatious business, but my parents don't do too well, either.

Hernia, back, knee pain welcome to the fold: balloon feet, sciatic nerve pain and an achy hip that lasts for hours at a time!

It's late and I'm writing on my phone, in bed. Cutting myself off; the baby is likely enough to wake up sometime, I need to grab some sleep when I can.

Sigh.

[harpista]

Keeping my head above water, if just. All year long I have weighed between about 318-328 and I have had few, or no, totally successful N-days. Somewhat unbelievable to me is the fact that I have recorded all those fails in my daily checklist notebook (on which more later). The good news is... Yes, tracking it has helped me to try, and kept my fails down, in that my weight has fluctuated within a ten pound zone and not continued to zoom up.

My house is still a mess. I have been fighting the enormity almost since I moved in. I'm so sick of it. If it tells you anything, at this point I'm not sure we'll ever fix it, unless we MOVE OUT. My sweet baby is a sweet toddler now, and it's a huge pain and I don't like telling him 'no, get out of that' all the time.

Thankfully, a few things have settled down. We're mostly into a smooth routine, my in-laws and parents have mostly settled down (and frankly I see less of them, which might be why), and while not healed or gone, my pain levels are decreasing.

My daily checklist is a list of 12 tasks that I try to perform every day. (If I don't, I do just mark it and forget it.) They are all tracked in my HabitCal. Some are self care items, some are housework items and some are toddler care items. I'm finding that as I feel better, some things are just becoming habitual more easily. Every so often I drop a thing because it is no longer in question (when we were transitioning kiddo to solids, I tracked each of his meals for several months). I find it prods me to see a string of x's next to something I want done, and know should be done.

And there's No S, the string of "fails" going back months and in fact, over a year (I started using a checklist almost two years ago I believe).I sent the No S summary page to my husband (I also have the book but he's a cut to the chase sort) to see what he thinks about taking it up.

[eschano]

Seems like you are doing better than you think. Hang in there!