Eating Disorder/looking for a buddy

No Snacks, no sweets, no seconds. Except on Days that start with S. Too simple for you? Simple is why it works. Look here for questions, introductions, support, success stories.

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JJJPK
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Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 11:05 pm

Eating Disorder/looking for a buddy

Post by JJJPK » Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:11 pm

Deep, deep breath! Fasten your seat belts folks, this is going to be a wild WILD ride!

As many of you know, I have been on the forum for almost a year now. I spent the better part of that time being inactive. I have been away far too long! To cut to the chase I need support and I was thinking and I remembered this site, and how I've found it helpful in the past. I guess this is the part where I give you all the background story on what's gone down since I went MIA from the No S community.

Last spring I started restrictive dieting. I wanted to lose weight and be "prettier." And, for a while, it worked. I used No S, (among other techniques like fasting) to knock off the pounds. In June I was down from 126 pounds to 119. Nothing hugely significant, but I was cold, and tired and shaky all the time. Thoughts of food became obsessive for me. By July I had totally had it and started binginig. Like CONSTANTLY. Every other day was a binge. I threw all control out the window. A little guilty googling (a catchy phrase I made up for the paranoia that comes after binging!) and it became pretty obvious that I had at least a minor (but who am I kidding?) case of Binge eating disorder. I would say the acute phase lasted through October. Over that period I gained about 15/20 pounds. Confidence plummeted. I went from about 120 to 140. I tried in vain to lose the weight but I always cycled back to binging. After a few months things simmered down a bit. I accepted that I just might now fit back into my skinny jeans and size 2 dresses. And I finally became cool with that. I started being much less obsessive about working out and that sort of thing. I started loving and accepting my body, I even threw out my makeup, and stopped my obsessive tri-weekly manicures. In short, I abandoned the "Pursuit of perfection" in looks.

And there was another hugely important factor...I got much more in touch with my faith and spirituality. Now, all of this sounds well and great, but I'm still facing some big issues. I still slip up and binge sometimes. Sometimes, if I eat a dessert when I'm "not supposed to" for example, I still feel the same guilt and shame as if I had binged. But the most prevalent concern is the constant, omnipresent thoughts of food! I feel like it is controlling my head space. Questions roll through on loop, "Man I can't wait for it to be lunch time! Maybe I should eat a snack? But I said I wasn't doing snacks! But hey, you don't want to restrict yourself, because that might cause a binge later on...better go eat. Restriction and moderation are two totally different things! But why do you want to not eat snacks? Is it just out of vanity, are you secretly trying to lose weight? No I'm not! I just want to know that I can be temperate and I have the ability to practice self control. And besides, stuffing my body isn't good for it anyway." Or sometimes I'll just be walking down the hall and an image of waffles will just pop into my head. Strange that. Or I'll be trying to meditate and I just start fixating on what I'm going to eat for breakfast, and how much I'm going to eat, and if I'll put nuts or banana chips on my yogurt . Or I look forward to dinner all afternoon, and when dinner's over, I start looking forward to breakfast the next day. It sounds really horrible, but I feel like I'm living for food.

And it's killing me! I feel pretty dang trapped. I feel like it's impeding my spiritual progress, my emotional progress, my physical progress, my progress in school, in my hobbies, in everything! I mean, I'm sitting here writing this, instead of doing homework right now!

You might be thinking, "So, go see a councilor, talk to your parents or your spiritual director or your siblings or find a program or support group." Well, to give it to you straight, I can't. I just can't bring myself to tell somebody close to me. Please understand. And I don't want to get counseling because a) I have no money for it, and b) I don't trust it.

So where does that put me? you ask. Well, I feel like I have made quite a bit of progress, at least on the external spectrum. I don't binge nearly as frequently and I eat pretty healthy. I'm not afraid of carbs anymore and I'm not afraid to eat till I'm satisfied. However, I need guidelines. Intuitive eating sounds great, but for me it would honestly just turn into a binge. I know I am capable of doing NO S in a healthy way. I have been doing it in essence for the last few weeks (on and off). My main problems then, are mental. The obsessive thoughts of food. And, as a recovering binge eater, will No S make me feel deprived? Will resisting snacks be too much for my delicate psyche? And how the heck do I stop these thoughts?!?!?Oh, and one more very important point. Religious fasting. I know, right now, it's probably not wise, considering all the crap I'm dealing with, but I would like to be able to work up to a point where I could participate in the fasts of my religion without there being huge negative effects in my psychological health. Does anyone have any tips? Also, would anyone like to come on this journey with me, and be my "recovery buddy" as it were? Like someone who has dealt/is dealing with some of the same problems? Or even if you don't have the same experience, if you could offer support or advice that would be lovely. If not that's fine too. Please reply if you have a minute. I just needed to reach out to SOMEONE!

Na Razie,
Na Razie!
JJJPK

Bullisaba
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Post by Bullisaba » Thu Feb 02, 2017 10:33 pm

I can relate to some of what you wrote, I have had periods in my life where I have thought about food pretty much all day. It is a struggle. I also can't do intuitive eating.

Reading some of the Beck diet books helped me. I believe that to change your life you have to change your thoughts and that is what she is all about.

I also find it helpful to note when I am starting to try to negotiate with myself (like your self conversation about snacks) and try to make a firm decision to stop the loop. I try and replace the food thoughts with a repeated mantra like - I approve of myself. It helps some of the time.

There are no easy answers, but try to be nice to yourself :D

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Fri Feb 03, 2017 4:10 am

If you are eating reasonable meals, there is no biological reason you will binge later just because you skip snacks. I was a binger, well, I realize now it was actually more compulsive overeating, but the cycle is very similar, and I think I was misled for years by the idea that any kind of restriction would make the pendulum swing. Hogwash.

Just think about it for a bit. If you had been raised in a slim culture, you would not have developed habits of overeating that you then felt you had to curtail. You would be living with the "restriction" you have to now use some conscious discipline just to get you back into line. But all you're doing is adopting reasonable habits of moderation. You are NOT depriving yourself, for goodness' sake! That is a mind game that messes up more people! You're depriving yourself because you can't eat every few hours when you can actually have three good meals and when your body probably has some reserves stored just for the purpose of having a snack later? Or it's deprivation not to be able to eat sweets a lot, when they have been part of the human diet only for about 300 years? When long lived cultures eat very few sweets and don't even know they're missing anything? I hope you don't feel lashed here. Just trying to get you to see other ways to think about the situation. It's not like you're plunging yourself to consistent calorie restriction, day after day, are you? But even that could be workable if you're motivation was clear and pure. However, it's not necessary or even the best way to achieve a lowered calorie average.

Besides, there are other ways you deprive yourself when you overeat. You deprive yourself of letting your body not be flooded with insulin all the time, the hormone that makes the body think it's supposed to store fat. You deprive yourself of the kind of enjoyment of food only gaps between meals can provide. You likely deprive yourself of a feeling of lightness and vigor. You can come up with some yourself, I'd guess, from some of your compliant times, though I hope they don't have too much of a moral tinge, which can backfire.

I don't think anyone can promise you that you will lose your food thoughts in a predictable way. I'll write to you separately about that, but meanwhile, see if you can just accept the thoughts rather than hating them. Did you know that in slim cultures, people actually think and talk about food a lot? They remember good meals they had and look forward to ones coming up, too. They think of food with pleasure. They don't berate themselves for relishing the thought of food. One difference is that they don't value overeating, so they don't believe that just because they enjoy eating and thinking about food, it means they need to eat more of it or are depriving themselves of it when they wait to eat.

It also sounds like you operating in a very small weight zone. Try to see an analogy. Would you think it was sane to constantly measure your right thigh and to stress over a half-inch variation?

REalize that the impulse to binge is not coming from a real need for food and is what Kathryn Hansen calls "neurological junk,' not worthy of real consideration. And Beck recommends a strategy she calls No Choice, which I think Bullisaba alluded to. You know what your No S plan is. Do you accept that it is a reasonable way to provide yourself with adequate food and pleasure? Come on, unless you have some kind of illness, you know it's fair. So, when those thoughts come, don't resent them. Just say No Choice and look forward to your next meal with pleasure. Then do your best to plunge yourself into something either pleasurable or productive to do.

There might be other ways to solve this problem, but I'd bet the search would be rather long and have a lot of dead ends. Why not commit to No S for a year and see how it goes? You are still free to experiment with meal timing and content. Maybe either or both of those would have a positive effect on your dilemma, and the problem would fade, at least enough so you don't feel in a panic over it. If you can get yourself out of the whirlpool for a few minutes, I bet you'll see that it's playing way more of a role in your life than it needs to. Don't give in to the cultural hysteria over this.

I can't claim that I can lead you to feeling light and breezy about the whole thing in three weeks or anything, but I know with practice you can get to a better place than where you are . Just try not to put a timer on it or compare yourself with others, especially those near-unicorn people who never think about food a bit until it's meal time. They've got their own problems.

Hang in there!
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

This_is_it
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Re: Eating Disorder/looking for a buddy

Post by This_is_it » Fri Feb 03, 2017 9:50 am

JJJPK wrote: Or sometimes I'll just be walking down the hall and an image of waffles will just pop into my head. Strange that. Or I'll be trying to meditate and I just start fixating on what I'm going to eat for breakfast, and how much I'm going to eat, and if I'll put nuts or banana chips on my yogurt . Or I look forward to dinner all afternoon, and when dinner's over, I start looking forward to breakfast the next day. It sounds really horrible, but I feel like I'm living for food.
I can totally relate to this. But i think, in time, this will get better. What i've been reading on this forum is that it is completely normal to look forward to your meals. And what i also noticed is that i am making more of an efford to make my meals absolutely tasty. And that is also totally oké :wink: .

noni
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Post by noni » Fri Feb 03, 2017 1:14 pm

I would be careful about googling your problems. Sticking a label on you is not helpful.

And if I was in your place about religious fasting, I wouldn't do it unless you were at the place of being spiritually enriched. I could remember my mother saying to pray and fast for a sick relative. I did pray, but I knew with fasting I would have other selfish motives for doing so.

Since you have been here before, you know the No S community is kind and helpful. This is where you want to be: asking questions, sharing problems that many of us have/had.

Like Oolala, I also believe that slim communities are food focused. I read somewhere in the past where much of their money goes to food - real food. Except they enjoy thinking and talking about it, and planning for it. I have a calendar where I plan out on at least a weekly basis what to cook for dinner. I also think about what yummy leftover etc...is in my fridge for lunch. I have never enjoyed thinking and planning for meals as I have since I've been on No S. Three meals, period.

Let us know of your progress.
"Never go back for seconds. Get it all the first time." - Garfield

beginagain
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Post by beginagain » Sat Feb 04, 2017 1:15 am

Hi! The NoS Diet is, for me, the answer to ending overeating and bingeing, because it gives the needed framework for controlling excess. And I have noticed that looking forward to a meal is pleasurable, because I can enjoy eating it without guilt, and without the dreaded calorie counting of it. One plate is all the counting that's required.
I consider no snacking as a "fast between meals." It is healthy for the body to rest from digesting, and can be beneficial to the soul as well. Fasting between meals is a recognized habit with spiritual implications.

I admire you reaching out, there are a lot of kind people here who will be glad to help.

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lpearlmom
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Post by lpearlmom » Sat Feb 04, 2017 3:11 pm

Oh my goodness! I can relate to what you are going through. I'd say a lot of your obsessiveness is due to the strict diet you were on. Not many people are meant to be a size two and that kind of restriction can really mess with you.

Before I began Nos a few years ago, I was a mess. I had tried so many diets that when I woke up I had no idea what plan I was on that day. Often I'd start a diet in the morning and break it by evening. I was obsessed with food, eating, diet/exercise plans even when I had supposedly given up dieting and accepted myself. I'd wake up thinking about food and fall asleep making plans for how to eat the next day. Ugh it was exhausting.

When I started doing nos, I didn't worry about weightloss and just focused on habits. I allowed myself to pile my plates high with whatever food sounded good. I have to say that after a few weeks of this, my obsessive thoughts disappeared. I know longer had to constantly think about when or if I'd eat because that was pre-determined. I also felt so much better about myself because I could see I did have will power and I wasn't overeating.

I don't know if it's cured everyone else like this but for me it really has. I can't say I always have a healthy body image (most days I do) but the obsessive food thoughts have really disappeared almost like magic. I still look forward to my meals and I think about food because I love to cook but nothing feels unhealthy about it anymore. I can go hours without thinking about food which is something I could never imagine previously doing.

So I guess I'd say really give vanilla nos a chance but make sure you're not depriving yourself at meals. Having firm boundaries around the WHEN (3 times a day and the HOW MUCH (no more than one plate) part of eating will free up your headspace in wonderful ways.

I love that you gave up your quest for beauty & I'd say 140 lbs is a very healthy place to be. You can do this and things will get better. I know how painful these struggles can be, please PM me anytime if you need a listening ear.

Here's a poem that I thought was relevant:

"They keep saying that beautiful is something a girl needs to be. But honestly? Forget that. Don’t be beautiful. Be angry, be intelligent, be witty, be klutzy, be interesting, be funny, be adventurous, be crazy, be talented - there are an eternity of other things to be other than beautiful. And what is beautiful anyway but a set of letters strung together to make a word? Be your own definition of amazing, always. That is so much more important than anything beautiful, ever."

Nikita Gill
:twisted: SW: 210 lbs
CW: 172
GW:160

Jen1974
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Post by Jen1974 » Sat Feb 04, 2017 4:02 pm

Tons of great advice!! It worked for me a lot like Linda & it felt great to know a snack wasn't an option & quit arguing with myself over if I needed one or not!!

I believe the best place to stop the binge restrict cycle is at restrict, but don't think that a snack is necessary to not feel restricted & I think the more eating events you have in a day the more food focused your mind stays than with just 3.

When I know I only have a few hours until a meal I can skip the snack without feeling I'm depriving myself!! But I do think the key is nourishing meals & no diet food. If your meals are really enjoyable & leave you feeling satisfied you naturally don't feel deprived!! But if you hope to have a salad for lunch & not eat again until dinner you'll end up getting too hungry & feeling like binging by dinner. Eat plenty of protein & fat, but don't skip carbs. I do think it's always best to include protein & fat with carbs though because it's more filling where as a carb filled meal makes me feel like there's always room for more.

Expect that from time to time you will "fail" but learn to fail small & feel really proud of small fails. A lot of binging comes from "what the hell" thoughts & promises to do better in the future. Never respond to a binge thinking you'll somehow make up for it later. The "diet starts Monday" attitude is the restrict that restarts the cycle. Instead vow to get back to the plan & keep making the habits stronger. Everyday you keep trying is a day that the habits become stronger!!

Eat plenty at meals, especially at first & eventually you won't feel that desperate need to binge from frustration from feeling deprived.

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Post by MaggieMae » Sat Feb 04, 2017 10:44 pm

Sounds like you've already made some great progress with accepting and loving yourself, as is. I think coming back to NO S is the best place for you. Everyone has already given great advice. I can relate to your situation. I've struggled with eating disorders in the past. I definitely spend a lot of time thinking and planning my next meal. Maybe that will never go away, or maybe it's just going to take longer because I have years of diet thoughts going on in my head. I was put on my first diet at age 9. like Jen said, learn to fail small and not see it as a horrible thing that results in self punishment. Best of luck. Please get involved here again and keep us updated. Oh, religious fasting.... I had never participated in it because of my history. I knew I could never truly fast without hoping for weight loss. Well, I had some big decisions to make about a year ago and I was so determined to sort things out that I fasted for the right reasons. It was truly a wonderful experience and I was given clarity on the situation. Maybe I'll get to where I can do it more regularly, for the right reasons.

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Sun Feb 05, 2017 7:05 pm

So, what are you thinking, JJJP? What's going on? Have you figured out any helpful guidelines from what we've said? Or decided you didn't need them quite the way you thought you would? Are you finding deprivation to be a problem?

We're on your side.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

JJJPK
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Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 11:05 pm

Post by JJJPK » Mon Feb 06, 2017 11:29 pm

Aww! You are all so amazing! Thanks so much for the advice, words of wisdom, and support! I got back in town from a weekend trip last night and I had a serious case of the Mondays this morning. But when I saw all these replies, my day was made!
I hope you don't feel lashed here
Absolutely not! On the contrary, I feel reassured!
Okay, update on how it's going...
Over the weekend I had some super rough moments with food where I ultimately caved :x . But yesterday and today I did vanilla No S to the letter...and it was amazing! There were moments I was hungry, true, but I actually enjoyed it? In a weird way I think I had missed being hungry! And my food tasted SO GOOD! The thoughts of food haven't disappeared, but they've become much less sinister. I just knew I wasn't going to act on that thought and then I moved on. It's been magical! So yeah, thanks all so much! I'll keep you posted, but I think this is going to be super helpful! I haven't felt this free about food in over a year, and it's pretty flippin' awesome! 8)
Na Razie!
JJJPK

noni
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Post by noni » Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:16 pm

That is pretty flippin' awesome!
"Never go back for seconds. Get it all the first time." - Garfield

MaggieMae
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Post by MaggieMae » Tue Feb 07, 2017 10:55 pm

Yay! That's so glad to hear. :D

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:07 pm

Holding out for how delicious those first few bites sustained me many a time. Long may it wave!
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

JJJPK
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Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 11:05 pm

Post by JJJPK » Thu Feb 09, 2017 12:29 am

Okay, just a quick question for you wonderful humans!

I have been sick the last few days :evil: (yeah it sucks) and have been chugging tea constantly. I tend to add pretty sizable amounts of milk and sugar, this doesn't count as anything forbidden, right?
Na Razie!
JJJPK

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Merry
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Post by Merry » Thu Feb 09, 2017 4:16 am

JJJPK wrote:Okay, just a quick question for you wonderful humans!

I have been sick the last few days :evil: (yeah it sucks) and have been chugging tea constantly. I tend to add pretty sizable amounts of milk and sugar, this doesn't count as anything forbidden, right?
Sick days are S days--get through however you can.
Homeschool Mom and No S returnee as of 11-30-15.
2 years and counting on No-S.
29 lbs. down, 34 to go. Slow and steady wins the race.
Respect Moderation

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Sat Feb 11, 2017 10:33 pm

You do what you deem best on sick days, but I've found a lot of the habits I developed to deal with illness were not really serving me. And that's all they were, habits. Maybe some time of compliance on No S later will give you some other ideas of stuff to have around.

Get well!
Last edited by oolala53 on Mon Mar 13, 2017 2:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

JJJPK
Posts: 38
Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 11:05 pm

Post by JJJPK » Mon Mar 06, 2017 1:24 am

Update:
Well, I binged today. Ate seconds at supper, then some more after supper, then dessert. I got kinda uncomfortably full. Feeling sorta discouraged because I also haven't lost any weight or built any visible muscle. I know I shouldn't be that worried about losing weight but I'm a little stressed because spring is coming and I know a lot of my clothes had gotten too tight last year and I'm just dreading having to tell my mom I need more and...ugh. So many of my friends eat like all the time and they're super skinny. Sigh. But yeah, just trying to get back in the saddle. Any tips for what I should do tomorrow? I know I'm not supposed to work out for like three hours or not eat anything, but should I try to just eat normal? What if I just don't feel like eating at all? I'm trying to keep a positive outlooks, but sometimes it can be tough... :roll:
Na Razie!
JJJPK

oolala53
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Post by oolala53 » Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:41 am

You cannot lose weight unless you can sustain habits of moderation whether you lose weight or not. I'm not sure what you mean by "normal," because most of us normally overate before No S.

Tomorrow you enjoy three moderate one plate/bowl meals with no sweets and hold on tight in between, and do that every day this week and every week onwards to the best of your ability. Remember how cruddy you feel from overeating, and vow to learn to foster feelings of contentment and vitality from your eating. You may have to humbly ask for a few new clothes because these new habits may not produce quick weight loss, but wearing clothes that don't fit has rarely motivated anyone in this country to make the necessary changes.

And find ways to appreciate other aspects of yourself and your life because this is just one part of it.

Today's failure is no indication that you will fail tomorrow. You can absolutely have a perfect N day.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23

There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)

ironchef
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Post by ironchef » Mon Mar 06, 2017 9:11 am

I'm not someone who "binges" per se, but I've had plenty of red days where I've just eaten my way through the whole day, putting away enough food for three women. And the best advice I've ever had from posters here was "mark it and move on". Put the red on your habitcal, an then focus on green the next day. That's the beauty of No S, success is only ever a meal away.

One big day won't make you stop fitting your summer clothes, any more than one moderate day will make you fit them. The only way this day can mess you up is if you let it discourage you and turn it into weeks in the wilderness.

Like me, you've had a history with much more restrictive dieting, and that brings with it a pace of weight loss that No S will never match. It can be hard to get used to! Keep reminding yourself that you're looking for a sustainable, lifetime moderate approach, something that will last beyond this Spring, this year, this 5 pounds. You can do it!

Jen1974
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Post by Jen1974 » Mon Mar 06, 2017 6:09 pm

I love what the No S book says about this....

"Punishment and restitution are actually bad and counterproductive. I don’t say this from some kind of mushy “love yourself,” “I’m okay, you’re okay” perspective. On the contrary, I say it because when you punish yourself or try to make amends for having messed up, what you’re really doing, at a deep psychological level, is saying, “It’s all right to fail because I can make up for failure later.” You think you’re just paying off a debt, but you’re also, and more importantly, opening up a line of credit."

Mark it & move on!! Don't fall into the trap of making up for it!! That's what keeps it going. Stop the binge restrict cycle at binge & honestly it doesn't sound like much of a binge to me!! You're going to have days where you eat a little more (they are called S days LOL)!! That is normal, but trying to make up for it later, that will ruin your relationship with food!!

noni
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Post by noni » Tue Mar 07, 2017 12:59 pm

JJJPK said,
"So many of my friends eat like all the time and they're super skinny."

Are you sure they always eat like that? I have a slender daughter who can eat a large amount of food for her small size when she's out, but when she's home, she picks at only a little food here and there, not eating a real breakfast or lunch. Maybe your friends have similar habits.
"Never go back for seconds. Get it all the first time." - Garfield

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