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kaalii's daily check-in...
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Whosonfirst



Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 272
Location: Pennsylvania-U.S.A.

PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kaalii, I'm wishing you well in your struggles. My wife suffers from depression and makes me feel helpless not knowing how to help her. Good for your bf staying longer for you. Your son sounds like a great kid.
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Weekly goal = Five Green days in a row. I do a BMI check by looking in a mirror.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 1:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you, ladybird and whosonfirst!
so nice to hear your support!
it is very appreciated here!

i wish i had time to read more this forum... but it has been busy or intense lately...
seems like all the red days in april and birthdays have a bit caught up with my stats... i gained 2kg... which is perfect, actually... i'm just not happy that i got them with food that makes me feel less healthy and contributes to feeling bad...
but it is all still perfectly fine...


today im making an early gratitude list that i might update this evening...
today im grateful:
-for another beautiful walk in the forest with luka and bolt... and again playing fetch succesfully...
-for a really good night sleep
-for my bf thinking of me
-for the pasta... i just love pasta!
-for the toilet working good again (dont ask!)
-for discovering another good band to listen to
-for all the bills being paid
-for luka's amazing health
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 7:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

monday - green!!

today i'm grateful:
-for driving my van
-for t-shirt day again and sunshine
-for chatting with the neighbours
-for the opportunity to help a colleague so that she could leave work earlier today
-for being with luka as he was buying himself a game from his own pocket money and witnessing his happiness and pride...
-for a moment when bolt and i sat on a bench in the sunshine to relax on the walk... such a nice, warm and peacefull moment...
-for the money for possibly another short trip to italy in 10 days
-for a moment when some kids from a colleagues class started running to hug me as i entered the room... smaller kids are so affectionate to the teachers...
-for my period... and never needing medication for the pain for it...
-for enough time in my life and not having to work full-time nor spend time on long commuting... uf, that is a big one... i should remember it when i'm stressed out or feel under pressure...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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LifeisaBlessing



Joined: 02 Jun 2016
Posts: 293

PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kaalii - Your list of things to be thankful for is such a wonderful idea and so inspirational! Smile Thank you for your gentle reminder to think of the positive things in life--it truly makes a difference! Smile

And I hope you're feeling better -- depression is no picnic, and it's so hard for people to understand who haven't experienced it. Cyber hugs and here's to better days ahead! Smile
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I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

~Jimmy Dean
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 4:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you, lifesisablessing, for your encouraging words! Smile

tuesday - green!

today im grateful
-for 2 lovely fetch set of games with bolt
-for his cuddles
-for my hands and fingers (inspired by my boss' recent accident, who is academic sculptor and painter, and while mixing the paint for la chaux technique she ususally does and has lots of experience - ended up with 2 and 3 degree burns on both hands!! Shocked ) ... never want to take them for granted!
-for my vital and healthy body and absence of physical pain
-for the warm water in the tap
-for spending a lot of time outdoors in the sunshine with the kids at work
- for the strawberries
-for the green salad/lettuce... i love it! and almost cant have a meal without it... i even make it when we order pizza... Very Happy
-for the "nanu" expression (internal joke between me and bf)
-for living in a rare country where jobs in education are well paid
-for the birds singing
-for meeting up with my best friend this evening, cant wait to laugh about the family reuninon she had in france this weekend
-for having a child... and healthy, smart and amazing one, at that!
-for being happily divorced
-for plenty of daylight time left after coming back home from work
-for the beach and lake/river swimming time coming sooooon
-for being told that i am such a good mum even though i know for sure that i'm faaaar from the mum i would like to be and the mum that my son deserves
-for knowing that im truly doing my best
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wednesday - green!!

today i'm grateful
-for my bf's birthday and special tenderness we shared, i love him so much!
-for the laughs with luka
-for the good swimming session, slower but steady for 45 minutes with only 3 pauses of couple of minutes for a hydromasage
-for the water... such a therapeutic element!
-for the opportunity to help out with the concert friends are organizing tomorrow
-for meeting some of our students at the swimmingpool
-for the neighbours finding their cat
-for my back muscles and feeling them more "alive" after the swimming
-for the laughter with my best friend last night
-for my van working well so far after the reparation
-for the opportunity to give the dirty diesel leftovers after the van reparation to a friend who will be able to use it
-for the bike tyres repair kit
-for the noS anchoring my mind around eating
-for the summer plans
-for the contraception
-for the washing machine and the laundry done... without the machine it would probably take me half a day to wash those piles
-for the time to spend with the people i love and the time to be alone
-for my independence (with the awarenes that none is fully independent, but i let myself enjoy the feeling of it)
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2017 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thursday - green!!

today im grateful:
-for my son finding 100chf on the street... haha, that boy! so funny to see him feeling so rich!
-for youtube
-for the simple skill to fix flat tyre on the bike
-for such nice cuddles with bolt while grooming him
-for the alcohol-free beer to enjoy when hanging out with friends and not wanting to drink alcohol... but not liking juices and other stuff available...
-for the music
-for the deliciousness of baked potatoes
-for this sympatic elderly man i met while walking bolt
-for my rough patch/depression forcing me to come in touch with myself ever so deeper... yes, there is that something beautifully honest and truthfull inside of me so much more awake in these darkest hours, this existential angst... i just know there is a gift for me in it... i just have to claim it... somehow...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

friday - green!!

today im grateful:
-for the whole experience with luka and his drum teacher at the jazz academy... and for his teacher passing his last exam there with highest marks... and what his teachers said there about luka's drumming
-for getting to play an amazing yamaha big concert piano a bit
-for visiting bern again
-for changing my iud
-for luka's father stopping by for coffee and the nice talk we had...
-for the possibility that he will move couple of minutes walk from us (even though now he doesnt live far either) which would make us practically neighbours and that would be so awesome for luka and all of us
-for having a friend in him and he in me and openly sharing our struggles as old friends would... and ability to share a laugh, too... what a gift... and at the same time:
-for our separation and divorce... and the wisdom and courage to do it right in time before our inevitably continuing relationship was beyond repair... i'm truly grateful he had left me when he did as i would have no courage to do it and prolong the agony of those times...
-for some lovely ted talks
-for watching seinfeld with luka and laughing
-for the poeple i meet while walking bolt
-for being ok with not being ok... accepting it brings me some peace... i'm not afraid any more...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

today im grateful:
-for a green noS week
-for the end of rainy days and sunny and warm days ahead
-for plenty of rest
-for laughter just now with luka
-for the plans with my bf
-for only 2 work days next week for me and then a loong weekend and trip
-for the peaches (bought them inspired by watching with luka yesterday kramer from seinfeld scenes with peaches that "make your taste buds come aliiiiive" "the circus in your mouth" Very Happy )
-for the b-complex supplement
-for starting to feel a bit better, even if just temporary i have to savour it...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2017 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sunday

today im grateful:
-for luka's independence
-for being calmer
-for the stability of my life
-for loving my job
-for the sunbathing during the walk in the forest
-for bolt behaving off-leash
-for feeling no pressure
-for a song of one bird
-for luka suggesting a longer path through the forest
-for 2 water sources in the forest
-for the guacamole and how easy it is to make it
-for overcoming tough times before, i can do it again
-for being OK even when things dont work out the way i want
-for my imagination and letting myself imagine the outcomes i would like... if anything, to give me some relief from fear and worry...
-for my health
-for the peace
-for my plants
-for the electricity and tap water
-for the fresh air
-for my education, knowledge and experience
-for being loved as a child
-for surviving the war
-for the ability to concentrate well
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

monday - green!!

today im grateful:
-for not anymore having to work on mondays with a colleague i really can't find a way to work with (none can, really, but since she has private connections with the upper management my boss cant fire her and has problems where to place her since none likes to work with her)
-for finding clear and calm way to communicate to my bf what bothers me in our relationship
-for the smell of freshly cut grass
-for the skype with my brother who is now working at the amazingly beautiful island hvar in the adriatic... hope he will decide to still work there this summer and we go to visit him during our summer road trip and do some island-hopping again...
-for not having to worry about having enough food
-for the season of open windows and fresh air in the house
-for the bicycle and going with bolt for a ride/run
-for being fit and healthy
-for the friends and knowing im not alone
-for all the socialising opportunities around me and the concerts i get to see
-for being told i am pretty... even if it is not from my bf...
-for how my hair feels on the day i wash it
-for feeling better... and the hope that i might not be generally as bad as i feared i was... but let's see...
-for that sweet excitement couple of days before going on a trip... looking forward to the packing and preparations tomorrow...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue May 23, 2017 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

tuesday - green!

today im grateful:
-for nice bike ride and game of fetch with bolt
-for fun at work and saving 2 donuts from desserts at work for luka
-for nice conversation with the neighbour
-for meeting a friend i havent seen in couple of months and 2 new people i met that she has visiting (from uk and estonia)
-for meeting an old colleague during the bike ride... and her son... and she lost her baby (sids) and seeing her recover after such a traumatic loss...
-for the travel tomorrow
-for the money to do it
-for the time to do it
-for some deep peace i feel...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2017 10:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wednesday - green!!

managed to make it green a long 10 hour drive with lots of traffic jams and waiting...
i did take a cofee, which i normally dont drink, so it worked like a charm to kep me both less tired and no need for snacking while driving... even with my son next to me having chips... i prepared sandwitches for the trip and had 2 during the mealtime... and for the final meal i waited to arrive and had an amazing mozzarella in carozza made by my bf's mum...

today im grateful:
-for arriving safely to italy
-for my van working good
-for luka being such a fun and help to travel with
-for my bf's kisses and tenderness
-for bolt behaving so well while travelling
-for dog friendly gas stations with dog bars (water stations for dogs) and beautiful walk path by a little river surrounded by alps
-for finding a little ball for bolt
-for summertime weather here
-for bolt and mikuni (my bf's cat) getting along so well
-for mozarella in carozza
-for a half of glass of nice vine
-for the nice plans of what i find fun on holidays: helping on changing the timing belt on my van, going to the river to sunbathe and swim, walking in the forest with bolt, having a grill party with friends by the river, continuing teaching luka to drive pit bike, going to a training on one of many beautiful motocross tracks with my bf, buying couple of gifts, resting plaenty and eating crescentina, piadina, parmiggiana and on the weekend gelato and tiramisu...
-for getting better at communicating what i feel, need and want... to myself and others...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 10:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thursday - green!!
althoug i had a bowl of cereals for dinner which i a borderline S for me...
i'm in serious pain, it seems my psoas or iliac muscle or tendons are hurt or inflamed... not sure how since i havent done any out of ordinary strain nor stretch... i'm in bed and cant move without serious pain in that area... i'm worried how i will be able to drive back home on sunday...

today i'm grateful:
-for the painkiller patches that relieve some of the pain
-for my bf and luka's help
-for luka taking full care of bolt
-for bf going to get painkiller patches for me in the middle of the night
-for managing to get some sleep even though the pain was waking me up
-for getting cheap work done on my van
-for not stepping on a snake
-for buying lots of food for 11 euros
-for not feeling bad about having to stay in bed and missing out because we are often in italy...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 6:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

friday was a sick day!
i was in so much pain in my psoas muscle that slowly went away only for the drive back on sunday...
on top of that i have ended what used to be the best relationship of my life... im shattered and relieved at the same time... taking it one moment at the time...
i tend to forget to eat or dont have much appetite - noS is a life saviour!!! im discovering its yet another great aspect!!! making me eat! and eat properly!!

today im grateful:
-for all the pain already processed in the last half a year since our relationship went downhill so that now it is easier
-for the effort we put to make it work even though it didnt work out
-for luka staying in contact with him
-for knowing that there are new horizons even though i dont see them clearly yet
-for the tears and the tension tears relieve
-for my friends
-for my routine and obligations that keep me going
-for the breath
-for the pain relief hypnosis/meditation sessions on youtube
-for the coffee that kept me awake and focused during the drive... and its enhanced effect since i am in no habit of drinking it daily
.for not having to wear make up in my daily life... but also the option to do so...
-for a game of making faces and laughter with luka
-for bolt being so cute and behaving amazingly good
-for a friend contacting me to meet up on tuesday
-for knowing that finally the pain i felt in the relationship will eventually be over
-for the amazing years we had and that person that he was then and i was then
-for the determination and opportunity to bring that old kaalii back
-for knowing how to and enjoying to be single and alone... and all the times i have been happy single... and all the women in my life modelling great quality of being single and being in good relationships and not settling for anything less than they deserve just to not be alone
-for the models and lessons of unrepairably bad relationships and marriages and how detrimental they are for the people involved and those around them, especially kids... and for all those with courage and wisdom to end them peacefully
-for being independent and not having to worry about my or my son's needs and comfort... that is a huge one!!!
-for the distance and that he agreed to no contact for the time being... and respecting that i need to unfriend him on fb for at least a couple of month...
-for knowing i am attractive even though i dont feel like it at all right now... and the thought that someone might be attracted to me repulses me...
-for not having to adapt my plans and travels to him any more
-for not having to tiptoe around his ego any more
-for not feeling the emptiness between us any more (but remembering it well when i start to miss what we used to be)
-for the forest and how it comforts me and lets me cry without shame or hiding or worry that it would upset someone or pity me... and how faster then the tears pass through me... and make space for the peace...
-for the birds singing outside of my window
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

monday - red!

i had an extra plate of food...
my appetite is good...
im again in more pain from my psoas muscle... could barely make it through the day at work...
i hope tomorrow will be better...
i cried only once today in the morning... the rest were 2-3 tearing up...

today im grateful:
-for my best friend's call
-weirdly but for the pain in the psoas muscle baing quite strong again - that somehow makes me hurt less if at all in the heart reagion... just an occasional pang, not the constant tear in the chest
-for my work and that i could focus well on it... and my bf came to my mind just a couple of times during the work hours
-for actually missing to play with kids now that i have to watch every step i make and every movement hurts
-for my boss' eggs
-for a nice talk with her about the long term opportunities at work
-for the voltaren painkillers...
-for the 2 lists i pinned on my desktop - the advice to myself to ease the pain and the one that lists all the reasons for the break up - precious tool for refocusing when my mind starts going all over the place
-for the nice food
.for the watermellon
-for my amazing luka
-for the evening rain and the refreshment it brought
-for telling the boss, as she was watering our yard with a hose, to actually spray me to refresh me from the heat... and when the kids saw it they all ran in my direction screaming to be showered... it was soooo nice... we had to stop it in time before we were all soaking wet, haha...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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ironchef



Joined: 30 Jul 2012
Posts: 1607
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh kaalii, I am so sorry to hear you are in such pain, and going through such a tough time with the ending of your relationship. I'm so impressed with your courage and mental attitude, especially your commitment to gratitude.

Sending many good thoughts to you for healing your body, and your heart.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh, thank you so much, ironchef!
nothing to be impressed with, though... this is a bare necessity... this all feels like a straw that keeps me from drowning... like i could fall apart in thousand pieces at any moment...
so much more work ahead of me...

i appreciate a lot that you have stopped by! Smile
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 3:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Big *hugs* to you. Sorry you're going through a rough time. Hang in there, you're doing great. ❤️
_________________
"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






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Whosonfirst



Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 272
Location: Pennsylvania-U.S.A.

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hang in there kaalii, you've been an inspiration to us in many ways.
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Weekly goal = Five Green days in a row. I do a BMI check by looking in a mirror.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh, linda and whosonfirst, you actually made me tear up... obviously im fast on the cry trigger nowadays but still, means a lot to me! Smile

today was something between sick day and red!

i was in pain so i had to take a voltaren before the meal was prepared... but not on empty stomack so i had a toast before...
and then the ice-cream at work... it was just so nice to eat it with the kids...

i prefer this then being so sad i cant eat...

today im grateful:
-for meeting up with my friends... and the talks we had... the support... the love... the care... how meaningful it is what we have... how important our relationships are...
-for the laughs with my best friend... she actually got stuck with her back pain since this morning while working in her garden... we laughed so much while skyping when i called her to ask her to maybe drive me to the doctor this evening or tomorrow if i will need to.. but both "handicapped"... then i started crying. also. on the first mention of my bf... and then we laughed some more... oh, life...
-for managing to make it to work in spite of the back pain
-for doctor giving me great advice over the phone... to avoid too much staying in bed and to try to slowly walk and move... but not stretch nor strain... tiring but it works...
-for bf contacting nicely luka... and me not having the impulse to write, too...
-for the ice-cream
-for luka taking bolt out
-for the electricians coming to check in the house and will make some awesome improvements in the bathroom... the owner of the house will pay for it... cool!
-for another fun outdoor shower at work
-for kids just being adorable
-for the difference of how i feel now and the sobbing in the morning...
-for my lists (again)
-for all my previous life experiences and what they taught me
-for being inspired to dress nicely
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Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Wed May 31, 2017 6:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wednesday - green!


day 3 since the breakup... feels like 3 weeks or months... times goes so slowly when we are in pain... i do already feel a bit better overall... but grief comes in waves and i'm ready for it... unfortunatelly, there are just no shortcuts through it... Sad

today i'm grateful:
-for a beautifull bath i made for myself
-for 3 lovely meals
-for the lovely bracelet luka gave me
-for the pain in the psoas diminishing, not having to take the painkillers today
-for nice walks with bolt
-for some online resources that help me through the breakup (and in general)
-for thinking less of him (a bit)
-for being strong in not contacting him
-for actually being free from having to be in constant contact with him... and not having to check-in with anybody actually... oh, there is such a relief in it, too..
-for this opportunity to grow again... and knowing this from the experience of the breakup with luka's father that this is possibly one of the best things that happened in my life... i just have to keep working on myself and let it reveal to myself in the hindsight once in the future...
-for feeling better about myself
-for looking forward to the summer roadtrip even though it will not be with him
-for him respecting the no contact deal even though i know he must be going through hell right now... im even a bit worried but i do know that if anything absolutely urgent is to be dealt with he and his friends and his family know how to reach me
-for crying only once so far today
-for my eyes not being bloated any more
-for working tomorrow but then another looong weekend (monday is pentecote) and then 5 more weeks of school and summer vacatioooons!!
-for organizing a concert at the end of june with his friends playing in 2 of the bands... i am looking forward to hear about him... and to see them again...
-for a nice chat with the neighbours
-for my budgeting skills becoming pretty solid
-for cuddles with bolt whenever i want them
-for luka's jokes
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Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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Skycat



Joined: 12 Apr 2017
Posts: 189
Location: Germany

PostPosted: Thu Jun 01, 2017 5:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hang on in there....it's amazing that you can still be so thankful forso many things when you're going through a really rough time. You should be proud of yourself for that Very Happy
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Merry



Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 1563

PostPosted: Thu Jun 01, 2017 5:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry for the ending of your relationship and all the pain you've been in. Two very hard things at once, even though, as you said, there is also some relief in the relationship ending. That's never easy. Praying for you.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Thu Jun 01, 2017 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you soooo much skycat and merry!!!
amazing how online vibes make it feel better!!
you are appreciated!! Smile

thursday - green!!

today im grateful:
-for understanding from a colleague that i would be a bit late in the morning to work due to my pain and moving so slowly
-for the talk with the boss and the new options for the next school year
-for meeting ian before he and julia go for the north and scandinavian trip...
-for spending the afternoon and some beers with a friend... and deciding that we would start to jam with guitars for fun...
-for luka's friend visiting and going with him to his drum lesson... and the teacher let luka's friend play drums, too.. and that friend is coming to luka's concert next week... i'm so sorry he is moving to portugal at the end of the school year... what a great kid... we should maybe visit him once there... i know his mum and she might be into it too... good idea...
-for finding bolt (yes, i lost him today in the forest going off leash... and he was actually trying to go back home when this sweet girl found him and called me while i was still in the forest looking for him - he has my number on a name tag)... never letting him off leash again before tiring him a bit with a game of fetch or something
-for deciding to go with luka, 2 friends, 2 dogs, maybe his father - to a music fest in the forest some 30km away from where we live...
-for missing him less and less
-for letting go a bit more every day
-for not having to work until next thursday... all the timing is perfect and my boss is the best...
-for feeling free while at the same time still having my responsabilities(that i like to call my privileges Wink )
-for forgetting about my pain in the psoas muscle even though it is still very much present
-for some new air about my life... even though im still resisting it somehow... still grieving that amazing love i lost... oh... why?... and thanks that the life is still making me go on...
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Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2017 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

friday - green!!

i skipped my gratitude list yesterday but i had a nice day... and knowing i will not be able to write it i made little mental lists throughout the day... but it is important to actually do the writing so...

today im grateful:
-for amazing evening at the music fest yesterday, being in the forest under the ruins of a medieval fort...
-for luka having such a great time, too... my heart is so full when i think of his happiness there...
-for getting to drive friends there and 2 more dogs, for my big 9 seats van...
-for the comfortable and a bit privileged camping place
-for enjoying it fully but still going to bed early and waking up fresh to go straight to a walk in the forest with bolt... while luka was still peacefully sleeping, tired from staying awake a bit longer than usual
-for the nice weather
-for julia's message
-for nina's message
-for friend's 19yo son really taking care of luka and how it all felt like a family
-for spending a whole day today with luka's father... visiting mutual friends in their garden... children playing in a small swimming pool... dogs hanging around together, too, peacefully...
-for anya being pregnant with their 3rd child
-for all the laughter... luka and his dad's sense of humour really show that apple doesnt fall far from the tree, haha...
-for having also a time to talk with luka's father and really having a sympathetic ear from someone who knows me so well... because he is going through a breakup, too...
-for the opportunity to listen to him, too... it feels he is having such a hard time dealing with pain and losing the ground under his feet even though it was from a pretty short relationship... i so wish he manages to find stability like he had with selina... she was the best woman for him - ever! i so wish him amazing love and beautiful relationship like that again... and, more importantly, to be that man again... but i understand i must not word it by mentioning her name... still some anger there...
-for accidentaly seeing bf's photo in my phone, the last one i took of him... and having less of a reaction than i though i might...
-for feeling more present with people than during the last few months of the relationship
-for all of them being so supportive and present without talking bad about my ex... i love the drama-free and healthy network of friends we have developed... and the models we are to our children...
-for nice food and the appetite being so normal... i make food as nice treat to myself but not going overboard, not even on red days, and not allowing myself that momentary lack of appetite makes me skip a meal...
-for the amazing freshly hand-ground coffee a friend made for us...
-for the evening alone after being around people a lot... i need it as much as i need them... and for the wisdom to go and spend time with people even though the pull is strong to be alone...
-for the friends reaching out in nice and fun way... not feeling like they pity me... so great!
-for the pain in the psoas being almost completely gone since noon today...
-for being strong in not contacting him so far... and no contact turning out to be easier than i thought... but, i dont want to jump ahead of myself it is only 6 days and it doe feel like longer... grateful for another succesful day without the contact... and seeing how much it truly is helping
-for my ex respecting the no contact... even though it sometimes brings the crazy thoughts in me of whether he cares... i know better than to give in to that painful mindset and remind myself that that is now completely irrelevant...
-for not having to see him in person for a significant amount of time
-for the future seeming brighter today
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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osoniye



Joined: 22 May 2010
Posts: 1219
Location: Horn of Africa

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2017 6:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry to hear about the end of your relationship, but I'm glad you're feeling better, less pain about it. Relationships are hard!!
Hugs.
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Lilybug



Joined: 13 May 2017
Posts: 102

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2017 7:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry for the pain (mentally and physically)!you have been going through, but I can see you are dealing with it in a very conscious way and I love that.

It makes me want to be more in tuned with my own life. I tend to push things down or pretend they aren't there at times.

I love your gratitude list. It sounds like you have such a beautiful life- even the painful parts.

Big hug 💐
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noni



Joined: 27 Feb 2009
Posts: 590

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2017 12:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You a great example of one who goes through pain, and yet sees the blessings and gratefulness of life, big and small, and focuses on that. Healing comes sooner that way. Wishing you peace.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2017 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

osonye, lilibug and noni, you are so sweet! it makes me still tear up to read words from you, but those are good tears - thank you so much! Smile

Quote:
I tend to push things down or pretend they aren't there at times.

oh there is a grain of wisdom in that, too... i wish i could a bit push down... a bit, at least... but i can't ... and if i try i pay such a heavy price for it that it became unbearable for me...
there is just no clear-cut recipe for anything and we all are doing our best, i firmly believe so...

today i'm gratefull:
-for amazing friends and hanging out with them and feeling so well surrounded... yet gentle and non invasive at all...
-for again a nice talk with luka's dad when he came to pick him up to stay with him today and for the holiday tomorrow... besides my best friend, who i also had a nice time with today, he is my best therapist and active listener i have in this situation...
-for being able to get back on my bike and cycle with bolt to friends' place
-for bolt being so good with other dogs (there was a lot of them tonight and we were not outside so his training came more in use and it was so good to see how the constant work pays off)
-for one of the friends just coming from my bf's city and when i told her not to give me any news she understood immediately and respected that... the very fact that she came and knowing that she met him unstabilised me for a moment but im grateful and proud of myself that i managed to snap out of it...
-for also realising how still very vulnerable i am
-for the deep breaths that temporarily but surely dilute my intense emotions when needed... and knowing i have those healing breaths available to me always...
-for some time alone, too
-for getting to play with some nice photos from the festival on friday
-for having zero appetite today but managing to eat...
-for not having to take a painkiller today
-for all bills paid and the rest of the bureaucracy still having more than enough time to wait for me to get to it...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2017 2:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

today is pentecote and in the canton where i live it is a holiday... so i'm taking an S day...

i will start the list earlier than usual and update it later, if needed...

today i'm grateful:
-for having to walk bolt
-for the forest and the amazing smell of the elderflowers in it, i picked a tiny piece of it from a tree to carry with me in the walk and calm myself down as i was crying
-for letting myself cry, to some extent it is a privilege to have the time and place to do it... and also achievement in the direction of emotional stability - to be able to wait until the appropriate time and place to cry...
-for meeting a doe in the forest... she crossed our path...
-for having bolt on the leash at that moment
-for luka's dad appreciating the links i sent him to help him feel better
-for luka being home again
-for the pain in psoas returning a bit but not so much as to take a painkiller
-for our peaceful home
-for our financial stability
-for the water that is clean, fresh and abundantly available here
-for the time to rest and sleep
-for my reminder lists, i needed them today...

-for discovering and doing for the first time TRE exercises, the program i found that coincidentaly targets psoas as well as trauma/emotional pain... and although i felt only nicely relieved after it ... didnt feel specially energised and the pain is still there although it doesnt bother me so much - i nevertheless, just found myself slowly starting to clean around the house in a more systematic way, which was overduesince the breakup... and just observed myself, there was no enthusiasm about it but also no mind chatter that would stop me from doing it or make me tired after short time... wow! wow! wow!
-for starting the fun idea with luka of choosing and earning his additional screen time by doing chores... we wrote the common chores that he can do on ice-cream sticks... and he gets to chose which ones of the needed ones he wants to do and how many of them... and the reward is additional screen time (relative to how hard the chore is) to his normally allowed, yet often surpassed, 1 hour a day... so happy that he loves the idea... let's see where it will lead...
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Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

tuesday - red!!
wednesday - green!!

excrutiating emotional pain and fullblown heartbreak... moving through it the best i can...
psoas muscle hurts less... been to the doc... got 6 sessions of physiotherapy...
but you know what they say - if you are going through hell - keep going...
and the cure for pain is pain...
trying to be conscious of everything and hopefully grow...
uff...

today im grateful:

-for surviving 2 more very hard days in life with at least some grace and control over myself... i must pat myself on the back for this
-for amazing friendship with luka's father and how we decided to support each other in these hard times for both of us...
-for a friend from bern visiting... and she stayed over night... and talking with her until 3am...
-for making it with no contact in the wake of some extremely painful news about my ex
-for the walk in the forest
-for swimming and how fast 45 minutes passed
-for taking luka's friend with us to the swimmingpool
-for eating and not completely losing the appetite
-for not having to take a painkiller
-for tre
-for dr. joan rosenberg's ted talk (unpleasant feelings are the path back to you being fully you!)
-for miso soup, i havent done it in ages... so refreshing...
-for having to work tomorrow and then again 3 days off... im so gratefull that i managed to go through these 2 weeks with only taking half a day off... and having plenty of free days that just fell on holidays, weekends, teacher training programs that lined up magnificently for me to have the time to grieve, heal... im far from being ok and i think that the strongest waves are just about to hit... but at least i got a hang of routine of taking care of myself and luka and bolt in these times...
-for good habits... how crucial they are now...
-for the dignity i'm somehow managing to pull off
-for all of my interests and skills, even though they dont interest me much at the moment...
-for luka's hugs and kisses... and his sense of humor...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2017 7:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it is only morning but i have the need to post a bit of gratitude already because i'm feeling it sneaking on me nicely... Smile and i will add more this evening...

today i'm grateful:
-for the pain and its lessons... so grateful how deeply i feel its gifts slowly opening in me... still vague but beautiful...
-for the nice morning at work
-for any opportunity to help anyone, that is so healing
-for knowing that being tired is normal now and not to blame myself for it but resting when i can
-for the motivation to get into bureaucracy... doesnt sound so intimidating now at all...
-for the morning walk
-for the morning kiss to luka
-for his voice and presence in my life

today was - green!

-for failing at not contacting him... i dont know why i feel good about that but i do...
-for being able to function
-for papers done
-for getting to parents-teachers meeting and enjoying it
-for almost no pain in psoas, just a bit of uncomfortable feeling
-for the hypnosis sessions on youtube that help me sleep
-for the water
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2017 10:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

again, early gratitude check-in today...

today i'm grateful:
-for talking with my ex for over 3 hours, and deeper than in a very long time
-that his accident is not harder
-for his love
-for the possibilities
-for the hope of getting back together
-for enough experience to know that the work goes on
-for not feeling like a failure
-for the rest
-for the fresh air
-for the comfort of our home
-for my work and that it includes helping others, that is fulfilling
-for luka having his annual concert tonight, that will be fun

friday - green!

-for such a beautiful experience around luka's concert
-for his amazing and dedicated teacher
-for his friends who came to see the concert
-for his dad coming with us and how proud of him we both were
-for the amazing photo of two of them i took, want to frame it for his room
-for the opportunity to help and serve
-for feeling like dressing up, putting on make-up and looking good
-for smiling a lot today
-for spending a lot of time with friends today
-for the difference between pride and self-respect
-for life being in order, i am able to handle it well... i must be doing something good in spite of prolongued hard times...
-for my hair growing longer than it has been in years
-for driving the bike in the warm night
-for bolt behaving good when off-leash
-the sleep and the rest i get
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Friday sounds like a good day. I hope your weekend went well and that you were able to get some rest.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

linda, thank you for taking time to stop by... the weekend was nice, things are getting better and better every day, surprisingly... i didnt rest as much as i wanted but i got to have wonderful people around me that energized me...

monday - green!

today im grateful:
-for the mirror work and the new level of giving myself the love i need
-for just amazing evening walk with luka and bolt... there was just so much connection there
-for the loving communication with my ex no matter what the outcome of our relationship will be
-for his and my needs being in synchronicity at the moment
-that he has found his cat and that the turning of the events in the positive direction is also happening to him
-that he loves and misses me
-for a song he sent me... oh, how i love when he does that...
-for a great day at work... this whole painful process is so positively influencing all aspects of my life...
-for spending time with 2 friends visiting our city and mutual friends... and one of the nights they stayed at my place...
-for going to the lake on sunday
-for seeing that in the crisis this time around i have opened up, probably for the first time, to the support of the friends and not going through everything alone... i have learned that i can go through hard times alone (and we are anyway never truly alone) but it feels so much better knowing that people actually are there for you in their many different ways... if you let them...
-for luka's dad also making a different but good progress in his situation... that we both need less each other's support but knowing that we are there for each other...
-for knowing that he has great friends, too
-for the opportunity to cook a great meal for the guests last night
-for my eating and drinking habits it place
-for psoas pain almost gone
-for starting the physiotherapy on wednesday, anyway
-for my deep freezer
-for the bath
-for tucking in my son to bed still every night
-for not having problems to actually fall asleep... just with the discipline to make myself go to sleep...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

today im grateful:
-for functioning
-for fun, every smallest bit of fun that came to me
-for the summer shoes
-for the TRE exercise this morning
-for the work of BK
-for youtube
-for so many nice social activities around
-for the mirror work
-for my bath
-for bolt being such a good dog
-for nice weather
-for the new money on the account
-for the fear of being lonely during the summer roadtrip without my ex and the lessons it holds
-for lana's message

tuesday - green!

-for the tendernes my life's routine is giving me... those simple anchors of school, work, meals, walks, sleep and self-care...
-for the pain, again... i cant say exactly why i feel this but i have a feeling that is the most precious thing in my life right now... so uncomfortable yet keeping me by force in touch with myself and not letting me look away... i dont know why... dont want to know why... and i guess it will stay untill i will know...
-for luka's presence in my life
-for again a sweet evening walk with him and bolt
-for the privilege of listening to his story about a nintendo game he is playing... no matter how hard it is for me to follow those stories
-for a good hair day
-for the physiotherapy tomorrow
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!


Last edited by kaalii on Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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LifeisaBlessing



Joined: 02 Jun 2016
Posts: 293

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kaalii - You continue to be such an inspiration! Smile Thank you for your wonderful "grateful" lists--something you motivated me to start myself this summer with everyone's change of schedules and life situations in the family. All good stuff!
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~Jimmy Dean
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh, thank you, lifeisablessing!
with another wave of pain it was so nice to hear from you... i'm glad that i inspired you and that amplifies the sense of connection in my heart! Smile
i wish the changes go for everyone's highest good in your family... Smile
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Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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LifeisaBlessing



Joined: 02 Jun 2016
Posts: 293

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, kaalii--and I hope you find some relief from the pain. Healing thoughts your way! Smile
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I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

~Jimmy Dean
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you, lifeisablessing, much appreciated! Smile
wednesday - green!

today i'm grateful:
-for the amazing physiotherapy
-for a lovely outdoor concert with friends by the fire
-for being able to do the laundry
-for bolt being such a good dog with friends' dogs
-for nice hour and half swimming while luka was training
-for a firend 's visit
-for ready made food when i am not into cooking
-for meeting my boss in the city and such a warm conversation
-for inexpensive places to park the car
-for the plans for a bit bigger theatre/dance show to make in 3 months with a friend for a special occasion... and the people interested to perform with us
-for a good night chat with my ex that was full of love and plan to meet each other in the middle of my travel this summer...
-for the mirror work
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thursday - red!

had seconds and a desert!
ah, well...

today im grateful:
-for the morning chat that was caring and reasuring
-for the tears that bring relief
-for friend makng a pressure on my suprailiac (the way physiotherapist did and i love it so much, such a relief)
-for weekend
-for meeting up with friends tonight again
-for resting in bed
-for luka's luck
-for a nice day at work
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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Elyssa



Joined: 04 Jun 2017
Posts: 52
Location: Eastern USA

PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Kaalii:
You hang in there, girl. Sounds like you have had a lot of challenges lately on the health front AND the relationship front. Your gratitude lists read like poetry. More power to you!!! Smile
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh, elysa, thank you so much for stopping by and your kind words! Smile
so amazing and supporting and it means a lot to me!
lots of love!

friday - green!!

today im grateful:
-for the amazing physiotherapy again, the therapist is truly a healer, even though he doesnt call himself that, and a perfect match to what i need, such an interesting and positive person, im lucky to have amazing people around me in these hard times... can wait for the next session on monday... my psoas pain reduced and shifted to sacroiliac joint and 5th lumbar where its origins are... that is a good progress... and still completely no need for painkillers... im healing...
-for the answer that i can completely heal the tilt in that joint that i have since childhood... that a lot of us does... i know how to do it, now i got encouragement from a professional... so happy about it... and i actually stand a chance to heal the emotional wounds stored in there... hopelessness is fading away... im not backing of ever again...
-for another shocking wave of pain and the tears that followed and how i handled it and communicated...
-for the hope
-for the freedom
-for my responsabilities
-for facing my demons
-for the plummer checking on the toilet and fixing it for free
-for the older people i meet and how they smile
-for still being young
-for finding so much beauty in the mirror, finally
-for the refreshing air
-for every single moment of relief during the day
-for feeling the creativity starting to be awakened in me again... yay!
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 6:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

today im grateful:
-for a nice walk with bolt in the morning and meeting a parent of the 2 kids from my school jogging...
-for the van and being able to go and camp over the weekend without much preparation
-for missing him so much but being able to function
-for letting myself feel vulnerable, insecure, frustrated... those feelings are so uncomfortable to me and i run from them... it feels good to recognize them and not supress them or run away from them...
-for the laughter with friends
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2017 10:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

today i'm grateful:
-for amazingly good communication with my bf and expressions of love and truth
-for the truth and being able to see it and feel it and handle it
-for the vulnerability, insecurity and frustration
-for my strength, too
-for such nice connections with friends
-for such great time with luka and how much more free and confident he is becoming
-for all his friends
-for the concert
-for the privilege to help out with the organisation but not having the full responsability this time
-for the full responsability for the concert in 2 weeks and all the help i will get, too
-for the inspiration for the flyer
-for amazing food from the friends garden to use for the dinner last night
-for getting to pick it from her garden and to touch and sample those amazing plants
-for bolt being such a good dog
-for his health
-for my home to come back to
-for his message
-for the fire and talking to friends next to it
-for so many stars visible at night
-for the refreshing wind
-for my back being sooo much better
-for drinking and eating moderately
-for more good communication
-for my sinchronicity list getting bigger
-for t.s.
-for the feeling of flipping of the tides (not sure if that is the right expression in english for turning point in a situation)
-for my mind and its power
-for recognising and practicing consciously the loving intention in wvwrything im consciously aware of
-for bolt sleeping like a baby after being outdoors and playing so much with other dogs, especially siry
-for the evening air and just perfect weather
-for my body healing so well
-for his health
-for his wisdom and good things ahead too
-for whatever outcome of this situation, it will be good, and i feel even better than i can even see now
-for the circles under my eyes and how much life, love and care is ib them
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

monday - green!

today im grateful:
-for amazing physiotherapy... what a healing!!
-for great meditation
-for the tears, lots of them... for finding the power not to judge them and to give them space... and deciding to not put time limit on how long it is ok to let them be present intensely in my life... but let them be... if the child in me needs to cry i will not allow anyone, especially myself, to tell her to stop it and get her s**t together... i need this... what a realisation!
-for playing with water with the kids at work
-for yoga
-for amazing conversations with my ex... when did we lose that? so great to have it back, no matter what we decide about the future
-for the time we are giving ourselves... and the pull to see each other, too...
-for the desperation, insecurity, fear, hopelessness, anger...
-for the peace, relief, joy, contentment
-for fully functioning (although the house would need a bit more maintenance... but hey, the house looks like that also often when im in a very happy period of life... so, im just letting myself off the hook)
-for random hugs and kisses from luka
-for the time to dedicate to myself
-for being able to help out a friend about her holidays
-for the plans to go visit friends and sleep over at the weekend
-for the strawberries
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2017 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

tuesday - green!

today im grateful:
-for the strawberries, again
-for the exercises from the physiotherapist and feeling my core stronger and healthier
-for allowing myself to be honest and vulnerable and insecure... i cant say how much it is important for me, the "strong" one
-for finding beauty
-for play at work
-for the new, comfortable miniskirt to wear in this heat
-for t.s.
-for the mirror work
-for letting myself feel the peace and contentment and security... and dwelling in it, too...
-for inspiration and empowerment that are coming in my life, slowly but surely... almost frighteningly...
-for the laughter with colleagues at work
-for 2 "problematic" kids having a really good day today with themselves and all of us...
-for not having to go to the meeting of all the teachers from all the daycare schools tomorrow... and going to swimming instead...
-for sunbathing
-for my mistakes and for not knowing that they were mistakes even now... and not afraid of making more mistakes... because it is moments between mistakes that truly count... and there is no real way of knowing if they were mistakes...
-for the courage to appologise
-for not needing an apology
-for the love
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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pinkhippie



Joined: 17 Mar 2010
Posts: 93

PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2017 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kaalii, I am sorry to see all that you have gone through lately. My husband hurt his psoas quite badly a few years ago and it was terrible. Luckily we have a friend who is a physiotherapist who was able to help.

I love your list of gratitude. I used to do something similar in that I tried to list all the positive things about the day, but I like the idea of listing gratitude even better.

I am grateful that you are still here on the No S boards, I find you to be very inspiring and I enjoy your presence and ideas. I hope the rest of your day goes really well for you. Smile
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

heey, pinkhippie, again, so nice that you are back!! Smile

as you can notice, my gratitude list is also positive things list, little achievements' list and positive aspects of "bad" things list... i go from gratitude aspect because i need to see a bit of luck in this situations where i felt like a victim to reality...

wednesday - green!!

today im grateful:
-for the swimming
-for physio exercises and some yoga

-for the sun and the summer clothes
-for having fun while taking the evening walk with luka and finding someone putting orbitrek on the sidewalk for the garbage collectors to take... we tried it and doing orbitrek outdoors, especially on the sidewalk is absolutely hilarious for some reason
-for the connection with ex-bf
-for missing each other
-for listening to each other's advice
-for knowing each other
-for bolt behaving so well
-fo luka's random kisses
-for the weekend plans to go to st.imier to visit fabienne and the family
-for the evening breeze
-for feeling like quitting smoking completely
-for the meditiation
-for my van working well
-for the strength and motivation to clean all the floors in the house... during the heat hours... this was also making me sweat almost like i was in the sauna...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thursday - green!

today im grateful:
-for making it through another wave of pain
-for the afternoon at the beach at the lake
-for meeting friends there
-for feeling beautiful in the sun
-for such a nice program for these days
-for genuinely feeling good for the big part of the day
-for expressing my view of situation and my needs
-for the time
-for a nice day at work and 3 drawings i got from little jasmina
-for being told i dressed nicely
-for a man offering to hold bolt while i jumped in the water - he is afraid to go to deep water so he is restless if i swim off too far
-for working in a smaller group today
-for the hope
-for luka making me laugh so hard today
-for the fidget spinner, haha
-for not buying a bag that i liked but can totally do without... i would regret it by the time i got home...
-for plenty of food leftover from work... need to freeze some
-for being on top of the finances and bureaucracy
-for the clarity
-for the vulnerability
-for being open
-for feeling free
-for luka asking me to go together through reasons why this day was a good one... i was doing this with him occasionally since he was small... it was touching to have it coming from him... im stuggling between the thought that he must be worried for me and the thought that it is good that i have passed on to him some tools for reminding himself of good things in life... i guess im choosing the second one...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

today i'm grateful:
-for so much laughter today - with the physiotherapist (about the mosquitos and rock climbing), with luka (while showing him a t-shirtand then about spilling things), while watching some youtube videos (crying and laughing at the same time) and more...
-for how surprisingly cheerfull my voice sounded as i was talking with a kid from school... and it was genuine, not forced... but from this, generally sad/insecure/desperate/frustrating perspective, i was surprised to hear myself... i might be doing better than i think...
-for printing out the flyers
-for the motivation to book 2 more shows for the autumn... one russian band i organised already (and met my ex-bf then) and and other one, first time in europe, from argentina
-for fabienne doing well after her appendicitis operation... and we are going to spend saturday at their place in st.imier anyway... and how we joked over the phone that we will talk only about sad things because she is not allowed to laugh too much because of the scar... uf, that will be now super hard... Very Happy
-for internal giggles coming out of the process of accepting desperation fully
-for the anger that will come soon...
-for the compliment on one of my old bands
-for opening to compliments
-for t.s.
-for deeper work on physiohtherapy that made me tear up there and cry later... i am healing, i am healing... on all levels...
-for my best friend back from spain, she had great time with the girls there, im sure and can't wait to hear about it as i will be dyeing her hair black and update her on the latest stuff going on with me... im sure more laugh-cry moments upcoming...
-for having to go now to school party of luka (and the school i work in, too) to work on a food stand... the theme this year is street art and i just cant wait to see the show the kids prepared... sounds like so much fun and the street artist that they hired to work with them sounds really interesting...cant wait... i'm sure i will cry from pride and joy again there... ah, the tears.. hahaha...
-for luka learning to cook and liking it

update:
friday - green!
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2017 10:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

today im grateful:
-for the welcome at fabienne's and amazing weekend in st.imier
-for the drive through the hills and for living in this beautiful country
-for my van
-for bolt having fun, too
-for luka being so good with fabienne's 3 kids and their friends
-for having fun with her and other friends
-for ex writing
-for meeting new people and old friends, too
-for opportunity to drive a girl back home and fun drive back with singing with luka
-for the healing, with its ups and downs... but ever so grateful for the feeling that i might be out of the worst part of heartbreak, grief and depression...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

monday - green!

today im grateful:
-for amazing new opportunity at work.. i got some more hours of work in a nearby school that is predominantly in swiss german language (the school i work in now is completely in french... i live in bilingual city and most schools are bilingual)... so i will get to learn to better speak and work in german as of the next school year... and get paid more... yay!
-for the pain - the only and maybe last connection i have with my ex-bf...
-for the compliment on my summer dress from a colleague... she did it in such a nice way that i almost teared up... oh, how i needed it...
-for a hug from little natthi
-for little loukas being so tired from sleeping badly last night and putting his little head on my lap as we were sitting on the grass with the kids, enjoying the afternoon and relaxing... watching the clouds and the leaves on the trees above us...
-for the emptiness and its creative potential
-for the laughter
-for the bread
-for the luck
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
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Whosonfirst



Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 272
Location: Pennsylvania-U.S.A.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You strike me as a great mother and teacher.
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Weekly goal = Five Green days in a row. I do a BMI check by looking in a mirror.
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ladybird30



Joined: 07 May 2017
Posts: 88

PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 5:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Kaalii,

will Swiss German be your fourth language? Awesome.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

whosonfirst - thank you... so nice to hear that... Smile (but not sure about whether that is true at all)

ladybird30 - yes... 4th that i will be actively speaking (eventually)... i understand a lot of spanish and italian, too... and i have studied and graduated sanskrit and hindi at university and could translate some texts in them (but with the help of dictionaries and grammars)... russian and latin, too, in elementary and high school... yes, im a language geek (and was lucky to have also a really good education possibilities as a poor person growing up in (post)communist country - croatia)... Mr. Green

tuesday - red!
a girl in school made cookies with her mum for her teachers so i just had to have one... and then a chocolate homemade candy made by a colleague...

today im grateful...
-for yet another emotional breakthrough... broken heart really has no mercy on us with the pain and pours the gifts on us at the same time.. intense...
-for shadow work
-for mirror
-for nice contact with ex
-for the phone call with the new/other boss i will be working with next school year
-for a friend asking for help
-for all the things organized for the concert im organizing on saturday
-for the rain
-for watching the lightnings with luka at the window
-for yet another amazing physiotherapy session
-for daring to do full yoga and lower ab/lower back and psoas exercises... and the gentle encouragement from the physiotherapist not to fear the pain and that i am ready to try my full movement and strength possibilities... my body doesnt feel like a prison any more... im so grateful for the restored health of my body... and being able to exercise is such a privilege... i should never forget that!!
-for my shadow aspect of cheater that is finally healing me from being cheated on... and where my high moral self was just ripping me appart... the cheater-self healing me ever so softly... even from past situations where i was cheated on... but lots of torment before i was ready for it...
-for red lipstick that i chose to put on today which im almost never doing... symbolically liberating me from myself and the (excruciating and maybe even exaggerated) pain of being emotionally cheated on...
-for the chocolate cookie from a student
-for yet another play of spraying us all with water in the school garden with a hose... so much fun and refreshment in this heat...
-for luka being a bit rude... nice to hear that from such a good behaving child...
-for luka's father maybe having something good going on in his love life
-for a friend's miraculous happiness in love
-for all the love around and friendship and support and interconnectedness
-for the croissants
-for the time... time is precious!
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wednesday - red!

had popcorn while watching a movie

today i'm grateful:
-for good interview at new school and getting the job, or more job, haha
-for new commitments
-for being actually cheerful and happy most of the day
-for the failure-self discovered through shadow work and integrated to the level im capable of at the moment... and the laughing tears of loving myself anyway... this overachieving but still feeling so unworthy kaalii needed it so badly... and the failure of probably the best realtioship in her life hurts less now... yes, i am a failure, too... and it feels good to be a failure somehow... to be present with my failures... to love myself (even) as a failure... tough one... but i made it to the other side, hehe...
-for a walk in the sun
-for the last and amazing physiotherapy session... it was a cheerful closure and such a great cycle and magic, though painful, touch of the therapist...
-for the exercises he gave me... and advice on how to do some i asked him about...
-for the swimming
-for meeting 2 friends in the city and such a warm conversation
-for more material to work on myself... emotional pain is precious in that way... and i might even want more of it as im not crying any more (at least not the tears of pain.. but those laugh-cry perspective shifting tears of deep love)...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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pinkhippie



Joined: 17 Mar 2010
Posts: 93

PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congratulations on the new job ( or more job) That is so amazing and impressive how many languages you know. That is so cool!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you, pinkhippie! Smile
hope one day i will be able to be impressed by myself, too... for now it feels almost frustrating to have all this relatively useless and uncomplete knowledge... Very Happy

friday - red!
one extra meal

today im grateful:
-for the pain and how it is bringing my attention to the present moment and in my body... talking to me if i give it a voice... breaking and not letting me go in the wrong direction
-for the joy and how it is healing me... giving me energy and sppeding me up to my heart's desires and luck...
-for chatting hours and hours with my ex... and lovely exchange we have although i feel it distant in the moment... the after-meditation reading makes me see how close we are and want to be...
-for ian and julia safely back
-for getting ian a little welding job for the school i work in
-for luka having fun out with his friends
-for going out to the afternoon rock concert and big annual city party... meeting lots of friend, having nice and meaningful conversations, having 2 caipirinhas and going back home... not feeling that i have left too early and definitely the first one to leave... need my rest and glad im able to take care of myself so good...
-for my social life, career, travel, money and health being so good in this heartbroken times...
-for this weird feeling/understanding that everything will be better than ever really soon...
-for my bolt taking me out to lovely walks... yes, he is taking me out, not the other way around...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 9:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

monday - green!!

today, im grateful:
-for eating
-for luka cooking pasta
-for playing with the ball at work
-for the sunshine
-for marc asking how i was
-for succesfull concert this weekend
-for talking to lara
-for this being the last week before the holidays
-for the sleep
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue Jul 04, 2017 8:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

tuesday - green!

ok, today i'm going to dedicate to something different... something that i might not want to be expressed in real life... but i do want to see it, own it and ultimately, maybe, take full responsability for...
explained briefly in this article:
https://greendoorrelaxation.net/2015/10/10/the-shadow-side-of-gratitude/

i am going to let myself see and express the extreme dissatisfaction with the way things are... as i am breaking down in 1000 pieces in this period of my life and gratitude attempts are hard or even hurting i am going to embrace the shadow part of me that is:
- ungrateful,
- doesn't like the way things are,
- wants things to be different all the way to
- hating my life...

it is also called venting and healthy people do it well... i dont... so i am going to dedicate today to venting here...

oki, meet the shadow of kaalii:

today i'm ungrateful for, i hate my life:

-for being so full of pain and suffering
-for not deserving anything better
-for crying so much and grieving too long
-for being abandoned and cheated on
-for being stupid and falling for a younger man
-for being powerless in breaking up
-for smoking too much
-for smoking. period.
-for not enjoying food nor cooking
-for just functioning but feeling the life as a burden
-for having to enjoy the sunshine when it just burns me in my grief
-for his grip on me and taking only the nice and healing things... when i express something remotely touching his ego he attacks or withdraws... and for not deserving anything better than that...
- for him wishing me good morning right now... and for me responding...
-for being lied to, constantly
-for so many shocks that i could foresee but hoped they werent true
-for the fact that thw truth hurts... and then hurts some more...
-because the man in my ex, the man he used to be to me - died. and is never coming back. that sucks. that hurts. to have to bury people when they are still alive hurts so much. im sick of having to go through that. as i am unable, really unable to bring them back to life.
-for my mind being so weak, unfocused, negative, powerless, sabotaging me
-for knowing that i might become sick again if this pain continues
-for having to pay the rent
-for the limit to what i can earn
-for not having a garden
-for my life being so boring, unexciting, routinely and nothing amazing in it
-for being in the country with no family
-for friends not always being there for me
-for holidays needing so much preparation
-for being too hot when it is hot and too cold when it is cold
-for having to walk my dog
-for my son having to see my grief
-for his father and me not making it as a couple back then... adn although i might not deserve that happiness i am torn apart as to how does such an amazing boy not deserve it, either
-for me not deserving it either as a child
-for having to go to work and function there as if i am not going through hell
-for knowing too much and being infinitely stupid, inspite od that
-for addiction to catastrophising when related to relationships and subsequent self fullfilled prophecies
-for all the points of no return. ever.
-for having to admit failure and loss
-for being beaten by a woman i cant be flattered by
-for not being sure i will ever recover
-for growing old
-for my wrinkles
-for having to give up all hope
-for death being at the end of it all
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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Elyssa



Joined: 04 Jun 2017
Posts: 52
Location: Eastern USA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2017 7:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Kaalii -
You are very courageous. (And no need to justify... This is YOUR check-in, and here is where you get to decide...how and what to say.) Admiring your courage and honesty & wishing you STRENGTH & LIGHT & HEALING. We all face the dark side also and I know for sure: there is a way through. You are on a good path overall; you are capable, good, and not alone. Thank you for sharing.
~ Elyssa
_________________
Ahh... relief!

"No S" has become the life-changing answer to my agonizing questions around food...

Trust in the wisdom of structure.
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LifeisaBlessing



Joined: 02 Jun 2016
Posts: 293

PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2017 12:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kaalii--Hang in there! Life is all about the light and the shadows--it's all part of what makes us human. I think it's wonderful that you recognize and embrace both parts--it's realistic and recognizes the natural ebb and flow of things. Just keep pushing through and running the race--you're going to be okay! Smile
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I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

~Jimmy Dean
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Skycat



Joined: 12 Apr 2017
Posts: 189
Location: Germany

PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2017 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Vent away, we're all listening but not judging, just ready to cheer you on through the tough times.
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I CAN do this.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2017 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh thank you so much skycat, lifeisablessing and elyssa...it means a lot to me as im not feeling courageous at all... but hopeless and desperate and weak... and scared that it will last much longer... im hoping my holidays, visiting the family and friends back in croatia will help to change my thought patterns a bit...

as one song says - none said it would be easy, but none said it would be this hard.!

today was - green!
but only 2 meals... my weight went more down since the breakup... im under the healthy bmi and im worried...im thinking now to note a red da when i cant eat more than 2 plates... this is ridiculous, i d ont want to become sick... thinking of making the days with less than 3 plates red... until my weight goes up to healthy bmi...

today i'm grateful:
-for one of the better days in a while
-for helping out to luka's father to move... luka and bolt joining us and making lunch together... then meeting up at the lake, having a swim and going back to eat together to make dinner and have couple of beers and talking about life, music, love and supporting and listening to each other in heartbreak and very nice and open deep conversations... his friendship is precious to me! and im glad luka gets to see his parents all his lif e so stable and supportive of each other...
-for my van and being able to serve others with it
-for the drive to doc check up andbeautiful view and feeling some happiness..
-for the view at the beach at the lake... savouring the moment to the best of my abilities in this time of bluriness of the mind... and wishing to be able to take it all in...
-for good appetite today even though i lost more weight and now im under the healthy bmi...
-for the controle check-up at my gynecologist saying everything is ok and see you in one year or so for a routine check up...
-for the no hope perspective making me be able to step out of the whirlwind of my troubled mind...
-for this forum
-for noS having the potential of saving me from losing more weight by putting emphasis on 3 plates as a MUST... anything less could be a failure...
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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pinkhippie



Joined: 17 Mar 2010
Posts: 93

PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Sad I think venting is also really important, don't feel you have to be positive all the time. It's important that we feel and acknowledge all our feelings, not just the positive ones. So, please vent away any time you feel like it, as Elyssa said, this is YOUR check in, and we are here for you.

I lost a lot of weight with my divorce several years ago as well. I just couldn't eat, and only nibbled crackers when my stomach pains got unbearable. I think trying to make sure you get at least 3 plates of food a day is a great way to take care of yourself.
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Merry



Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 1563

PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(((Hugs))) do take care of yourself. I'm sorry the breakup has been so painful. Praying for you.
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Homeschool Mom and No S returnee as of 11-30-15.

2 years and counting on No-S

27.5 lbs. down, 35.5 to go. Slow and steady wins the race.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 7:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you so much, pinkhippie and merry!!
yes, amazing how noS has potential to take care of us food wise...

with that said, i had a red day yesterday... only 2 plates... but one was big plate of canneloni with ricotta, almost 2 portions... and i almost puked how heavy it felt after... pinkhippie, glad you understand how horrible it is to have that level of loss of appetite due to stress of loss and grief...
and how lucky we are now to have noS to keep us and even force us to take good care of ourselves to the best of our ablilities and plenty of forgiveness when we fail...

i will vent every now and then here, too... but i have to say that only one day dedicated completely to hating and being unappreciative of my life opened the floodgates of gratitude in every step i take, hahahaha...

so, almost without choice, i'm grateful:
-for amazing and healing long walk in the forest with bolt, no leash most of the way... my lovely faithfull companion...
-for finding, finally, true compassion and even love for the woman that is the reason of the breakup... the compassion found me actually... i just let it in... amazing stuff... she is such a gift in my life...
-for the bike backseat he bought for me hoping that we will ride together again some day
-for my ex finding scarily more and more how much he loves me
-for me actually feeling it
-for not needing that feeling
-for luka's father reaching out for my help and being there for him... my best male friend, by far
-for the green colour
-for my favourite big rock in the forest and bolt being able to climb on it it on his own and keep me company at the top
-for the TRE
-for the fist day of summer holidays for me
-for my period and deciding to go on the roadtrip after it, not during... for the opportunity to honour this cycle
-for lana contacting me and that she and shon will be in zagreb (coratia) almost the same day i will arrive... cant wait to see them again and have some laughs
-for the lovely foldable picnic table i have found on the side of the street, just perfect and what i needed for this summer camping
-for the tears of gratitude
-for the shadow work
-for sleeping well and enough
-for whatever this day brings
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

today im grateful:
-for yet another shift towards healing... the full moon and the thunderous weather, my dog, our forest, the pictures, candles, my period, the owl... im changing... im more and more becoming my old self, even though tears are there sometimes...
-for changing my room and the new bed
-for a lovely afternoon with luka's father with his friends and his mother and step-father...
-for anette's gift
-for him being there for me last night... and decision of changing this bad dynamics between us no matter what the outcome
-for feeling open, opening up to whatever comes knowing i can transform just about anything...
-for eating
-for luka being such a great son... and even being able to help me change my room
-for the love
-for house being clean
-for my van
-for a friend coming over
-for whatever tonight brings it will all be good
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love your list. So touching and I'm so happy you're starting to find yourself again.

I've read people who focus on what they're grateful for tend to be happier. I think I may steal your list idea if you don't mind. Smile
_________________
"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






Instagram "lpearlmom"
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh totally, linda! the list can be so helpful... Smile

im back from holidays and roadtrip through italy and croatia!
which in the end we spent for the big part with my ex, we kindof got back together (which i promised to myself never to do in my life, this relatioship is really breaking so many promises i made to myself early on observing human stupidity... oh well, having to accept my stupidity now is a punch in the face)... it was so good, or so i thought, but ended up being devastated again... Sad

my noS has been fluctuating while on the road, obviously, but i did stick to it pretty well... it kept me going in the days i had no appetite at all... and in the days when i wanted to eat only junk...
im am still a kilo or two below my lowest ideal weight... but i have strength, my period is normal as always...

yesterday i started to work on my 2nd job in the new school... and i am very satisfied with the team and completely new way of working at the basically same job as my 1st one... i will be leraning a lot of german through my new job but im glad that the school is bilingual so i will get to use french if i get stuck...

today was the first meeting at the 1st school and there i also found im happy to be back and feel creative energies flowing...

i am grateful for this summer knowing i have done so much to make it the best possible... but i am also glad that now i am in a situation where there is basically nothing more i can do to fix things in my relationship... and dont have to create every good in my life any more - just accept the good that already is here... that i mentally know and ackgnowledge but i am not feeling it at all... that terrifies me...

the example of this is the fire perfomance i set in motion before the holidays - the team we gathered did so much for it already that i am sooo grateful to come from the roadtrip to the storyboard with my character just being perfect for me... that luka's dad took my invitation and is making/composing all music for it (and luka maybe even performing in it so for him it will be a nice experience performing with his parents)... the thing is that the main performer and organizer felt so bad when i talked to her in june, totally not motivated to do anything, being herself in a bad place in her life (and i paradoxically, thought i was healing)... i told her to at least set the intention in motion for september and i will help and carry her with all my forces and the poeple i gathered- it turned out the project is just what she needed and other people jumping in happily (her mum, an experienced performer and artist and other people in the core group plus the people helping in technical stuff)... i basically came now to the fun part of creation of my costume that i sent some directions for while on holidays... i am so grateful for this turn of the events... and being carried in it without asking for it... i know it will help with my healing... and so much of my current pain and shadow work i will be able to use in my character... what a gift!!

nevertheless, on monday i am going to the doc to get the prescription for visiting a psychotherapist... i am considering taking medications, at least for a while, and i really hope i will get a good therapist that will be able to discern well if and what i need to help me heal... considering that i dont have much money to spend on therapy sessions but i find it absolutely imperative if on medications, and surely dont want to rely only on them... so i am hopling that all these years of working and researching the field myself will speed up the process of figuring out how best to help me and with the follow ups while on medications...

my dog and my son had also great time during the holidays... we were happy to meet the family and friends... and had great time with my ex...
i am sorry he gets to see me sad but i am glad we can communicate well and openly (while still having his age in mind)... and that my ex and i always managed to keep the hard conversations for the part of the holidays while luka was at the seaside with my mum and brother...

so this was my "kindof" gratitude list for today...
im happy to be back and i hope all of you are doing well and noS is serving and supporting you in your life as well as it is supporting me... i will go read your threads a bit now... Smile
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 8:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

im still too skinny but eating well, or at least regularly...

still sturggling and grieving my relationship... but better and better in putting it in perspective...

my life doesnt suck because:
-i have home
-i have 2 jobs that i like
-working on the mad max fire show
-i have the main antagonist character in it and i love it
-i have skills and experience and support to be far from starting from scratch and my life is even not affected that much by the betrayal
-found a little rose on the pavement while walking bolt
-my white lenses arrived
-started making ninja bombs, son glad to help out
-i have fire hola-hoop and looking forward to perform with it again
-i have good skills in fire-poi dancing so basically working more on my character than on the skills
-i know how to handle pain and ready for it to stay forever
-i learned to appreciate the comfort of boredom vs. emotional drama
-flattered by men interested in me
-commited to therapy
-having meds for sleeping as a safety but not needing to use them yet
-knowing i will have fun doing the show during the festival in 2 weeks
-that my ex respects my wish and will not come to the fest
-continual support of my son's father
-practicing german at work and surprised how much of it i can already use
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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Merry



Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 1563

PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 4:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad to see you checking in!
_________________
Homeschool Mom and No S returnee as of 11-30-15.

2 years and counting on No-S

27.5 lbs. down, 35.5 to go. Slow and steady wins the race.
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oolala53



Joined: 06 Oct 2008
Posts: 8248
Location: San Diego, CA USA

PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's to a great end of summer and into fall and the eventual "eating season."
_________________
Count plates, not calories. Three a day. 7 years & counting
Age 64
SBMI Jan/10-30.8
Jan/12-26.8
Mar/13-24.9 Stayed at +/- 8-lb. for three years Sept/17 22.8 (but harder to maintain)
Dec/17 23.8

There is no S better than Vanilla No S.
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you merry and oolala!! Smile

i am still keeping up with noS... allowing red days if appetite is bigger... and making myself having sturctured eating of 3 plates per day...
but my wieght is still hovering at 18.2 -18.5 BMI and not willing to go up yet... i am still in the pretty down period of my life but getting better and better...

today im grateful:
-for seeing love
-for such a great staff meeting at the new school
-for the laughter
-for a great meeting in the mornin, too
-for people opening up to me
-for kids' laughter
-for the fresh air
-for the energy
-for the coffee lifting me up
-for being flirted with regularly
-for the plans for the travel to croatia again
-for amazing performance at the fest
-for my therapist
-for not having to take medications
-for the health
-for luka being so great
-for having a job that involves a lot of human and sincere interaction
-for the stability
-for bath
-for the day off tomorrow and swimming
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

today im grateful:
-for the fresh air
-for our van
-for the laughter
-for feeling better, even good
-for my period
-for my jobs
-for being single
-for luka's joke
-for the uninterrupted sleep
_________________
Age:39
BMI: 19.5-18.5-19.2-19.5-19.2-19-19.5-18.8-18.5-18.2-18.5-19.2-18.5-18.8
Body Fat %: 20.7-17.6-19.7-18.7-19.7-18.7-17.6-16.6-15.5-16.6
in it for maintenance and, more importantly, sanity!!
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Lilybug



Joined: 13 May 2017
Posts: 102

PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 11:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm loving your gratitude list. It makes me realize that I focus too much on what is going wrong instead of going right!

Smile
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kaalii



Joined: 24 Apr 2016
Posts: 740
Location: switzerland

PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2017 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you, lilybug! im glad you are inspired! Smile

here i am checking in just to let you know im with you in my thoughts as noS is still the way i eat... but allowing more "red" days as my weight just seem to have tendency to stay a bit under the healthy bmi...

so i am finally up to 18.8...

although my job is pretty active and having my mum here helping out with everything - i have been less active... and actually spending quite a lot of time in bed, still grieving and feeling generally depressed about the end of my relationship...

my career and life in general is actually going so good... i can see it and acknowledge it... but, yes, i still dont feel it really due to the heartbreak... i am meditating a lot, really a lot as this seems to be the ONLY thing that really helps... besides my job... the work with kids is just great and my german is really going pretty fast pretty good... also, i am starting a project in the forest with kids with one of my bosses that might result in huge project of opening a forest school as it exist for kindergarden age in our city... plus next year im going to a year of extra education at local uni, paid by my work... to get even better papers...

and more:

i have been asked to make dance-fire performance for the bieginning of december... and just when i wanted to refuse, nat wanting to take any additionall excitement - i realised that, since in this show i have total freedom as how i want to do it i will take that challenge and make it into positive stress to move my ass, litteraly, out of my darkness... as the last huge performance, the one in september, really helped out so much to make the final cut with the communication with my ex and feeling a bit better with myself...

im so grateful for people who asked me to do it for their programe in december, full of other amazing acts, and their trust that i will deliver the show they will be proud of having me there... Smile

so i am happy that my mind went creative and i am actually planning to do a quite tranquil and introspective show - but i will ask a new friend i met maybe a year ago... so interested in theatre... here i can write that this creative amazing french girl is physically obese and has been all her life... and we are becoming quite close as she is so interested in what im doing... and she has told me how hard it was for her to actually do theatre because of her body not fitting the stupid closeminded standards... and i see her as such talent and natural and love her energy, she inspires me... we agree and click so much in how we see contemporary and alternative performance and theatre practices... and i am seriously thinking of asking her to direct and co-create my act and, if she wants to (because directing as well as playing in the piece is an extra challenge) to perform in it with me... that would be a huge honour as she truly is an excellent singer, musician as well as performer... and i love the way she moves and dances... so i think we can create something really powerfull together if she would take the both roles... but yes, i need her to direct primarily as i dont feel strong enough, to be honest, to take on that role - that i dont even like particularly when im at my best...

and more:

there are more and more men around me interested in me... and, im sad to say, i just have to keep them all at arms length - even one really nice one - because i'm just not ready.. and i am so afraid to bring the emotional bagage i carry to innocent people that want to get involved with me... this all makes me sad because i know that letting myself fall in love again might help me in these dark times... but no, im still so attached to the bad side of my grief and loss that i just cant... more time needed (it feels like i need 10 years or more), and i guess i just have to accept that... i guess im not meant to be happy in love in my life...
my therapist disagrees... but we are still not at that place in therapy where i might see/feel it, too...
so, yes, let's see...
i am grateful that there at least ARE men interested in me... i lost that part of confidence, it seems, no matter what those who love me say (why do we believe them in these matters the least? ah yes, because they love us no matter what, hahahah)
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Whosonfirst



Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 272
Location: Pennsylvania-U.S.A.

PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2017 2:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad to see you posting. I will have to google dance-fire performing. That has me intrigued. I'm imagining something that Hawaiian's do wearing grass skirts to tom-tom music.
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Weekly goal = Five Green days in a row. I do a BMI check by looking in a mirror.
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