Getting a life

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jordonk27
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Getting a life

Post by jordonk27 » Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:30 am

I'm a 19-year-old male in college, and I've never been on a date or kissed a girl. None of that stuff. No hand-holding in junior high, no backseat kissing in high school. All the while, my hormones have been raging, and they're not stopping. I'm unhappy with myself, although I get by from day to day. I've worried myself over it since I was a young teenager, maybe earlier.

I used to think I was unattractive because I was overweight. A few years ago, No S helped me lose a lot of weight, and I looked better than ever. But the girls weren't flocking to me. Then I thought it was because I was a non-muscular weakling. I started with Shovelglove, but no one has really taken notice.

Don't get me wrong; I'm very grateful to Reinhard for No S and Shovelglove. It's nice to have visible cheekbones and slightly enlarged arm muscles or whatever they're called, but it won't help me with this problem. I know I need to act.

I tried to act. In high school, I asked a girl to hang out, but our date got postponed and canceled multiple times. I also made some desperate advances to a girl who already had a boyfriend. Last year (my first year of college), I met and asked out a bunch of girls, only to be rejected by every single one (five in all).

Slowly I realized the problem. I was trying to build rapport, but at no time was I particularly flirtatious. It's the most obvious thing, but flirting had been completely lost on me. I had never even considered it. It's not in my personality to be outgoing. I often find it uncomfortable.

I think all this stems from the realization that I don't have a life, so to speak. I don't have social skills because I don't do social things. I have eight tabs open in my browser window right now. In my free time, I'm pretty much on the computer all the time, and since I'm in college, I do need to study a lot (for example, I should be studying now).

I wish I could just go out and do fun things so I can learn how to interact with women, but I don't really like going out and doing fun things. I hate drinking and loud music, and in a college town that's all there is. There are artsy things too, but I'm not an artsy person. In fact, I feel very uncomfortable at those pretentious art galleries and such.

I'm introverted by nature (I enjoy being by myself more than the average person does), and here at school I don't really have any close friends to go out and do things with. I've also never had a car, so that limits my opportunities somewhat. (I asked for a car, but my parents refused to pay for the insurance. They asked me to learn to drive, but I refused because I wouldn't have a car.)

That's not to say I don't have some activities. I'm involved in some volunteer and social organizations on campus, and I'm starting a club of my own. But I'm not really involved in any one of them enough to, say, make friends with people.

Moreover, I'm afraid that I'm caught in a treadmill. I'm very desperate, but desperation comes off as very unattractive. I'm also afraid of screwing up again because I've blown it with almost every girl I've met. Everyone tells me that the right person will come along, but I know that's wrong. The "right person" isn't going to jump out at me. I'm a male, and society says I have to make the moves myself.

I want to have a girlfriend while I'm still a teenager. I know I need to do something. How can I get a life?

Finnigan
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Post by Finnigan » Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:09 pm

For sake of full disclosure I met my first girlfriend when I was 19. I'm thirty something now with 2 kids and NOT withthe same girl. I used to go to parties and bars and socialize and drink, etc. It didn't help me much because I was not interrested in one night stands. I was looking for a companion.

Well, just throwing some ideas out there. I would say the first thing is you could try to spend les time on the computer. Try social situations that put you with other people, but might not require too much social interraction like maybe the Library? This might help get you acustomed to being around people.

A time limit is not a great idea. It sets you up for failure.

I know getting shot down hurts (from experience), but if I knew then what I know now I probably would have asked a lot more girls out and been less shy. It's not the end of the world to hear "No thanks," and there are PLEANTY of fish in the sea. This is not to say I'm unhappy with my marriage now; rather I thnk I should have been less serious about life then.

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gratefuldeb67
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Post by gratefuldeb67 » Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:00 pm

How about going to a speed dating event for fun??
I agree with Finnigan that simply going out is a great idea, and if you don't like bars etc (don't blame you at all!) why not join an exercise club or something.. Like a hiking thing?? I have never done this but maybe check out some online friendship/dating sites?
Try and think of some of your hobbies and maybe there are groups or clubs which you can take classes? Cooking, movies, exercise, etc..
Good luck getting out there and try using positive affirmations daily to help with your self esteem and confidence.
If you relax, and put your focus on being good and a friend to yourself, then you will be a much better friend to others.
Peace,

8) Debs
There is no Wisdom greater than Kindness

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dai479
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Yeah...

Post by dai479 » Tue Oct 14, 2008 4:10 am

Yeah, my 1st real girlfriend was at 19 or so and I ended up marring her... I'm almost 38 now!! :shock:

In school, I had a lot of girl friends... Just no girlfriends!! I still have some of those friends to this day.

Like you I was pretty introverted. Well, sorta... I was a class clown. I guess nobody really took me seriously. I was fat and I never asked anyone out. I was happy in front of the computer and TV... This was back in the '80s!! And man, the computers really sucked back then!! :?

I did go to parties and stuff, but never drank. I still don't drink. I had fun watching people get crazy, but never really saw the point of getting plastered...

Ummmm.... Where is this all going... Hmmm, I guess nowhere, but hey it all ended up OK in the end!! Don't sweat it. Who needs girls!! That's what porn is for!!! :D

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gratefuldeb67
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Post by gratefuldeb67 » Tue Oct 14, 2008 1:34 pm

Hahahahah!!!! :lol:
There is no Wisdom greater than Kindness

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reinhard
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Post by reinhard » Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:34 pm

Well, I wasn't exactly a cassanova in my youth either.

I did wind up marrying a beautiful woman eventually, but don't owe that to anything especially wise that I did. In fact it was despite a whole lot of foolishness.

So while I'm not really in a position to advise, you asked for it so here goes:

1. Don't set yourself a timeline. That may or may not work for Iraq, but it certainly won't here :-)

2. If you want to be systematic about something, be systematic about throwing yourself into social situations. Put in the time around women, and something will come of it. Identify social situations that you feel most comfortable in (or least uncomfortable). If the bar scene doesn't do it for you, then how about some kind of group activity also known to include females (church, hiking, music, dance -- NOT live action roleplaying). Make a list of such activities and make a monthly resolution to do one a day (or something). You don't have to be good or experienced at this activity, just interested. Sitting in front of the computer is the last thing you want to be doing, so don't bother to reply to this, just bolt and get out! :-)

3. I'd lay off the porn. It seems to me that there's a strong inverse correlation between the amount of porn one consumes and the amount of the real thing one gets, and I think the causality is bidirectional. Besides freeing up time, and clearing your conscience (I don't know how much due diligence you do on your porn, but there are some awful, sickening abuses behind much of this stuff), you will become a much more determined negotiator for the real thing. I haven't looked at porn in about 4 years (combo of having a kid and seeing an extremely disturbing movie on a related subject). I call this system G-ray vision. :-) It's been stunningly easy. And the benefits -- in terms of conscience, "distraction management," and things I'm not allowed to talk about here -- have been great.

Reinhard

kccc
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Post by kccc » Fri Oct 17, 2008 2:05 am

It may be no consolation, but a lot of us happily-married types were late bloomers. I didn't really date until college, had a number of less-than-wonderful relationships (that taught me a lot), and didn't marry until my 30's. But then, I picked the right person. :)

The general advice to get out and socialize more - in general - is good. That's where you learn those basic social skills. Reach a little out of your comfort zone - set small goals that are a bit of a stretch, but do-able. ("At this event, I'll talk to 3 people I don't already know." "I will go out every week to a place where I'll meet new people.) Treat it like No-S, where you focus on BEHAVIORS (meet people, be friendly) rather than RESULTS (girlfriend!!). You can control the behaviors, and they are likely to lead to the results... but perhaps not immediately. Focusing on the results just derails you.

The advice you've already gotten about doing things that involve others is particularly good. For those of us who are naturally introverted, doing things that we care about is a good way to build relationships. A lot of my deep friendships were formed "doing work together" of some sort. (And I married my very best friend, which was the smartest life decision I ever made.)

From the female perspective, it's equally hard to make connections. Take time to be friendly before flirting. That gives you a lot to connect WITH.

And if it's any consolation, the late teen / early 20's are a difficult time for many people... but we do survive, and learn a lot on the way. :)

Very best wishes.

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Blithe Morning
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Post by Blithe Morning » Sun Oct 19, 2008 10:08 pm

I learned to be outgoing by getting a job in retail. Getting paid to be friendly (but not TOO friendly) is a good way to start. Starbucks might be a good place to work to learn social skills. When you work the register, you have to make eye contact with the "guests".

jordonk27
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Post by jordonk27 » Mon Oct 20, 2008 2:07 am

Thanks for the good suggestions, especially you, Reinhard. I'd been trying to think of how I could solve this problem in an Everyday Systems kind of way. I guess focusing on behaviors is the way to go.

I've tended to shy away from singles-type sites/events. If my friends found out, they'd be like "omg jordan thats no way to meet people blah blah blah..." That was the general reaction when I posted a personal ad. I'm not sure why. But I have a feeling they're right. I think I should actually go out and do things. Friday nights are probably good for that.

I don't really do anything on Friday nights, but I could go out. My university has events and things on Friday nights to keep people from going out and getting wasted. They typically show a movie, have a concert, and some other little things. I guess if I could get a group together to go to that every week, it would be a start.

It seems like a disproportionate number of you are so-called late bloomers. All around me I see guys and girls who have or have had boyfriends and girlfriends. In fact, I'd guess that very few of my friends here at school are in my situation. Where are the people like me? Are they all in their rooms too? Is that why they dominate the Internet?

What I really do is I need to learn how to flirt. I guess that's the only thing I have trouble with. I'm not an awkward goof when I do go out. In fact, I seem pretty normal. So how does one practice flirting? I've read stuff about it, but I have absolutely no idea how/where to apply what I've read, and I don't want to creep people out. (Practice with a friend? I might be able to find someone.)

And hey, I didn't say anything about porn.

ThomsonsPier
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Post by ThomsonsPier » Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:00 am

There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer (says another, therefore biased, late bloomer). All of the folk I knew when young who were ablaze in a social whirl are dullards. The late starters are all engaged in jolly interesting activities and earn twice as much, to boot.
ThomsonsPier

It's a trick. Get an axe.

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gratefuldeb67
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Post by gratefuldeb67 » Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:11 pm

Hi Jordan :)
Just be yourself.
Smiling and direct eye contact are a good way to get someones attention.
Be genuine and don't worry about what *other* people do for flirting etc.. you have to be yourself.
Good luck and hope you have fun going out :)
8) Debs
There is no Wisdom greater than Kindness

kccc
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Post by kccc » Wed Oct 22, 2008 12:19 pm

What Deb said. Just go out and have fun. Your idea about getting a group to go do something is a very good one.

If you like someone, show interest by talking to them, drawing them out, just being open about your pleasure in their company. That works pretty well without overt "flirting."

And if you look hard, you'll see that there are a lot of introverts in the corners of the world. One tends to filter what one sees pretty strongly. I've noticed it in my own life: when I wanted to be dating, EVERYONE was matched up but me. When I wanted a child, EVERYONE had kids... etc. But really, there's a lot of variety, and people in different places in their lives. You can tell from this board that late bloomers aren't uncommon.

Funny story: we have a neighborhood pool, and last summer I was talking to someone just because their child was playing with mine (happens a lot when you're a parent). This particular dad was clearly trying to flirt a bit with me a bit -- essentially harmless, though totally pointless. However, he was trying to impress me with tales of his "glory days" in high school and college, and nearly bored me to tears! I was thinking "if that was the high point of your life, that's really sad," but trying to be polite... and was SO relieved when someone else came over and I was rescued!

My point is, a lot of those people you're watching enviously now will be "has-beens" while the late bloomers are living full, happy lives. So hang in there! The strategies you're developing now for learning and connecting will enrich your life forever.

Best wishes!

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