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Having trouble dealing w/ friend's weightloss from surgery

 
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:24 am    Post subject: Having trouble dealing w/ friend's weightloss from surgery Reply with quote

Uh yeah never mind.
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"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






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Last edited by lpearlmom on Mon Apr 24, 2017 2:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Merry



Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 1568

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 6:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sometimes I feel that way with others who have lost weight faster (I have a friend who lost quickly on a 5-2 fasting plan). Sure, I'd love faster losses! But...

I'm with you, I definitely wouldn't want to go through surgery and all that your friend has gone through! And she's still going to have to work to maintain at some point. It's not like she can go back to eating however and whatever she wants again. (I also would be concerned about long-term health-related risks. It's such a drastic option for weight loss. She's losing her hair--her system has been through quite a shock.)

When I think about the more drastic plans, I always come back to being thankful for No-S. Sure, it's slow and sometimes stagnates--but it's doable and it respects the person and life now--and I think long-term it helps me develop a healthier sense of how to be normal and how to eat.
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RAWCOOKIE



Joined: 18 Jun 2015
Posts: 1278
Location: Cornwall, UK

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 12:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She has had her internal digestive system rearranged surgically - that is a radical and unnatural intervention for a human being - and very sad I think. It's wonderful for her that she has been treated for her 'illness' and is now a normal weight, which will give her better life-chances health-wise.

I don't know how to help you with feeling jealous about someone who has lost weight through surgery.................. I hope you can feel proud of yourself for maintaining a healthy weight naturally - and passing on good habits to your family.

Hugs.
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NoelFigart



Joined: 12 Jul 2006
Posts: 1636
Location: Lebanon, NH

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 1:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahem...

Golly...

Do you think she cheated to "outrank" you in the Skinniness Competition?

Or is it a virtue competition with the thin people being more virtuous if they starve themselves?

I'm no fan of WLS, but golly... I'm trying not to be harsh here and it's hard.

Being jealous of someone being so desperate to lose weight that they wind up condemning themselves to a life where they can never eat more than a little Dixie cup full of food at a time and will never really be able to feel physically satisfied again might be somewhat misplaced. Maybe analyzing your feelings and attitudes towwards fat and fat people would be useful to you.

I've talked to people who've had it done. The restrictions on your diet after such a surgery are really astonishing and it sounds like an utterly miserable way to live.
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 2:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So I never said I was proud of my thoughts. We all have dark thoughts sometimes. I was just being honest about it. Part of the problem is this particular friend has been less than kind lately.

But anyway I'll keep my thoughts to myself next time. I couldn't delete my original post completely but I'm definitely not interested in furthering this discussion.

Peace out!
_________________
"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






Instagram "lpearlmom"
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RAWCOOKIE



Joined: 18 Jun 2015
Posts: 1278
Location: Cornwall, UK

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 6:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, sweetie, no-one is saying you shouldn't have felt like that, or posted about it - I'm glad you shared your feelings about it. For myself, I simply wanted to help you feel better, and felt a bit helpless to do so. Don't delete it - I'm sure feeling jealous of others who have achieved weight-loss in dramatic ways is not uncommon.

I've got a couple of 'friends' who have been losing a lot of weight on the Blood Sugar Diet, and I've felt a bit resentful towards them - quite irrational really, but I have felt it. So, you're not alone in having complicated feelings.

Hugs xxxx

oh, I see you've already deleted it - I'm sorry about that.
Sad
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm pretty sure that's exactly what is being said but thx.
_________________
"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






Instagram "lpearlmom"
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TunaFishKid



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 238
Location: Long Island, NY

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lpearlmom, I'm glad you posted what you did, and I'm glad that I was able to read it before you edited it out. I should have responded earlier. I understand completely. As a matter of fact, I posted in my journal today that I was feeling jealous of my husband's success with low carb, even though I've been losing and regaining on low carb forever!

If anyone posts a reply that sounds harsh, please don't take it personally. Everything we say is always more a reflection of ourselves and whatever state of mind we're in at the time, than what we think we're commenting on. (I hope that made sense...)
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carlaD



Joined: 23 Apr 2017
Posts: 24

PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read the original post yesterday. I understood what you were saying. I too have felt jealous of others weight loss. I have two family members who lost weight by doing very intense exercise. I almost felt like a failure because I knew I was not willing to do that ....no way. I knew the jealousy was wrong, but I felt it anyway. I just had to remind myself that I needed to find a way that I could do and stick with. Intense workouts are not for me...not now and probably not ever.
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 2:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks so much tuna & Carla! I was feeling pretty shattered today but seeing your emphatic posts really lifted my spirits.

I probably didn't express myself well in the original posts. I was tired but I was annoyed at myself for having these thoughts. I figured if I knew I wasn't the only one, I could move past it.

It just feels like the whole dynamics of our relationship is changing and I'm worried about her as well. Her & her dh have been having problems since the surgery and she just doesn't seem happy. I imagine it's got to be tough going through such a huge change both emotionally and physically. Reading Bout the side effects sounds pretty brutal actually.

I'll get over myself but I don't know if she's going to come out of this as happy as she thought she'd be. Complicated all around.

Thanks again.

Linda Smile
_________________
"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






Instagram "lpearlmom"
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Merry



Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 1568

PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did ya miss the part where I said sometimes I feel that way?

I don't want to. Don't mean to. Our culture sets us up to idolize a certain style body, and sometimes it's hard to fight the constant cultural messages. Stay strong. You know you don't want to have those thoughts--so keep countering them with truth. You know it's not the rosy picture they paint. And I know you don't think your true value, or your friend's, or your daughters', or anyone else's comes from physical size or appearance. So when those thoughts creep in, tell them they're bunk and send them packing.

It does sound like your friend has a lot of rough things to go through right now, even putting the WLS issues aside. I'm sorry.
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Homeschool Mom and No S returnee as of 11-30-15.

2 years and counting on No-S

27.5 lbs. down, 35.5 to go. Slow and steady wins the race.
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 3:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No I didn't Merry! Sorry! 😊 thank you so much for getting it and not judging me.

I so appreciate your continuous kindness & support. Your families lucky to have you. ❤️
_________________
"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






Instagram "lpearlmom"
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Bluebell



Joined: 29 Sep 2016
Posts: 515
Location: Hampshire UK

PostPosted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Ipearlmom I didn't see your original post but feel saddened on your behalf that certain posters have been less than supportive and have made judgmental comments about your feelings. I have always found this forum to be friendly and supportive and its such a shame that you have opened up about your feelings and been shot down by some. Not all obviously.
On the jealousy side, I completely understand. I saw a school mum who I haven't seen in 3 years, (kids went to different schools and now back together again) she has lost loads of weight. It made me feel...inferior! Like how could she manage it and I'm still struggling? I know I should feel pleased for her but honestly, its hard!
I think the key is to be kind to yourself, acknowledge your own achievements and try to stay strong in what you believe. Easier said than done when you're feeling vulnerable. Take care 💐
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Whosonfirst



Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 273
Location: Pennsylvania-U.S.A.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a friend who's on a pre-op schedule to get that surgery. For her, it's the right thing to do, she's had both knees replaced, one twice, and wants to live to see her grand kids grow up. I can only offer support as it's a difficult decision for anyone.
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 5:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your kind words bluebell! It really means a lot to me. I don't think ppl realize how hurtful they're being sometimes.

Whos: absolutely. I totally support her decision. I've been supporting her all along & she knows it. It just started messing with my head a little. That's when I usually post stuff to just kind of vent but I probably should have kept it on my personal check in. Next time!
_________________
"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






Instagram "lpearlmom"
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Bullisaba



Joined: 14 Jan 2016
Posts: 65

PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 8:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

lpearlmom I understand your feelings too.

Jealousy is difficult to express to other people because it never feels justified and we are all taught at an early age that it is wrong. We still all feel it though at one time or another.

Criticizing someone for feeling jealous is a cheap shot.

Be kind to yourself. You are not alone.
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Larkspur



Joined: 06 Mar 2017
Posts: 288
Location: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Time for my slightly off-topic remarks, LOL.

I have mixed feelings about WLS. I worry that the research has been subject to bias from the industry-- I don't know that that's true. I gather with surgeries in general the mortality rates are worse before the kinks get ironed out. So it could be they're getting better at it and some of the early problems are less common. So (and this is me just gassing on about WLS and not addressing the original topic) maybe the problems with malabsorption and dumping syndrome and all that lovely stuff will get better as it goes along.

There are a few people who look at it as "cheating" and that I don't really get. Is it cheating to be able to eat lots and never gain weight? We all know some genetic "cheaters" in that case. Personally I would cheat in a second if there were a sufficiently attractive option.

My dad is a lifelong dieter, the only obese person in a family of slim people. He has well controlled Type 2 and has exercised religiously and meditated since he was thirty-- he's a disciplined guy. When I was growing up he would get up at 4 am to exercise before work. And he was not a trencherman by any stretch. When he's trying to lose weight, he will live off of one can of tuna a day. Plus exercise. If his feet hurt too much he has to cut back on exercise and he can barely eat. There are times he does break out of that and eat six fudgesicles in a row, but we NoSers know that that's a biological response to constant miserable restriction. So, for someone like my dad, if they'd had safe WLS when he was young enough to get it, I think it might have been an option. He's always bitterly hated being fat and with his diabetes (and he's kept his A1C below 7 for thirty years) it might have been a good thing for him. On the other hand, he's 81 and doing okay, so who knows if WLS would have extended his life or overall improved the quality of it?

(And while I'm writing a treatise, let me take a minute to notice that his trim siblings ate like my trim grandmother, nice little meals of ordinary foods with not too many sweets because her doctor warned her off them back in the 60s. Sounds kind of like... hmmm...)

As far as the thread, tone is so hard to convey through a post. When you're talking, it's easy to tell someone's just venting and respond accordingly, and likewise what is meant as gentle disagreement may come across harsher than intended. And if you are trying to conciliate all parties, maybe you sound annoyingly officious? <G>

And now, completely off topic, I was struggling with desire for a diet soda, when I remembered just in time I have a perfectly good iced tea from Sheetz. Whew!
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lpearlmom



Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Posts: 3420
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2017 6:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow that sucks about your dad. The struggle is real for a lot of people. I'm not saying she shouldn't have the surgery or anything like that. She works for a bariatric surgeon so I figured it was only a matter of time.

Just was dealing with complicated feelings. I'm over it.
_________________
"Every weakness contains within itself a Strength."
Shūsaku Endō

3/14-210 lbs; 3/15- 202 lbs; 1/16- 172 lbs; 9/17-177 lbs; 11/10- 167.8 lbs

Current weight: 165.4 lbs






Instagram "lpearlmom"
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