Graham's Daily Check In

[Graham]

11st 2lb* 38 1/2", BMI 24.1, WHtR 57%, Body fat 31.1%

Iffy scale, and another sore nose/throat so I won't be fasting today. Working within tighter limits. Not so important as developing a clearer understanding of the way the world works, but I wonder increasingly at my apparently faltering immune system.

[Graham]

11st 1 1/4lb, 38 5/8", BMI 24, WHtR 57.2%, Body Fat 31.7%

So, fast skipped, without too much damage. The nose throat infection hair-trigger still present. Sunshine permits an allotment trip, potatoes and onions, maybe beans as well? And when am I going to try swimming again? It has been many years since I last took the plunge. Perhaps later this week?

[Graham]

11st 2 3/4lb, 39", BMI 24l.2, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.3%

Ill if I do it but I can't seem to do without the fasting. What do I decide? I could have decided to let myself have a sore throat on Friday, perhaps developing a full-blown cold and chest infection, and kept my weight down.

Otherwise what? As I cycle I've noticed myself struggling, the chest discomfort is gradually returning - have I no good answer at all?

[Graham]

11st 1 1/4lb, 38 1/2", BMI 24, WHtR 57%, Body Fat 31.3%

[Graham]

Tue: 11st 2 1/4lb, 38 3/4", BMI 24.4, WHtR 57.4%, Body Fat 31.7%
Wed: 11st 0 1/4lb, 38 1/2", BMI 23.9, WHtR 57%, Body Fat 31.6%
Thu: 11st 0 1/2lb, 38 3/4", BMI 23.9, WHtR 57.4%, Body Fat 32.2%

[Graham]

11st 0 1/2lb, 38 1/2", BMI 23.9, WHtR 57%, Body Fat 31.5%

Fasting. A difficult week. Keeping to No S rules has been challenging - a combination of hunger and lack of clarity, of weakened habits requiring more exercise of will. I was ambivalent about fasting today, now I've had my black coffee I'm more or less at peace with my decision.

I may get a sore throat yet again, Vitamin C will be key to keeping on top of it. My body has been difficult - perhaps letting yoga slide explains some of it and isometrics too - and all that troubles the soul.

[Graham]

10st 13 1/4lb, 38 1/4", BMI 23.7, WHtR 56.7%, Body Fat 31.2%

Yesterday a fast after a week's break. I tolerated it well, (protein intake had been higher than usual over the preceding 2 days) and enjoyed the post fast meal. I can't say it was "no seconds", though I could have fitted all I ate onto one plate, I didn't. A No-S fail then, but not immoderate. It was 5-a-day on one plate plus buttered almond bread.

I had been fairly active physically too - over an hour watering at the allotment, shopping down the market, cleaning at home, even some Alexander work - but yoga and isometrics didn't happen. I don't have a sore throat today. One smart thing I did was to take vitamin C in water early in the day. Probably helped. I did feel a bit chilly before going out, physical effort overcomes that. I encountered weakness into the second hour at the allotment.

My Reasonable Aim: to lose 4" from my waist. I read somewhere that each inch equates to approximately 5lb. That would require 20lb - I'd then weigh 134lb - 9stone 8lb. I can't imagine what I'd look like - gaunt like a jockey? at just 50% WHtR? My body seems destined to distress me, whatever weight I'm at.

Anyway: can I lose that weight in 20 weeks? I don't know if I dare plan like that - progress has never been that smooth. If I did plan like that, 20 weeks would take me to late September (24th?) - but if any stress crops up, I can't bring myself to fast, and without fasting, I don't have another way to produce that weight reduction tolerably.

What I hate is having a body like 2 different designs glued together - the arms, legs and face of a skinny man, with the belly of a fat guy. What is the point of that? Stress built this body, from a difficult babyhood onwards. All my power is in the present, and going forwards, and what peace I may make with the damage I can't change.

[Graham]

Sunday: 11st 1lb, 38 3/8", BMI 24, WHtR 56.9%, Body Fat 31%
Monday: 11st 1 1/2lb, 38 5/8", BMI 24, WHtR 57.2%, Body Fat 31.6%
Tuesday 11st 1 1 1/4lb, 38 3/4" BMI 24, WHtR 57.4%, Body Fat 32%

Monday's fast was interesting. I'd eaten "well" on Sunday - ice-cream, chocolate truffles etc. I managed to stay busy, and didn't let hunger stop me going out on my bike. Discovered I did have the energy for an hour's modest pace. Home, hunger had almost vanished! Prepared my meal at a leisurely pace but I nibbled a little as I did it. No S fail right there. 5 a day meal, one plater, with 2 pieces of toast - and now, I'm even fatter. Adaptation?

What was the point of the fast? Can I assume my weight would have been even higher if I hadn't fasted? Is there a force for weight-gain operating in me, excessively?

Choir resumes tonight. I feel out of sorts and my vocal mechanism is messed up - scratchy, sore, obstructed. Is this carb related? Fixable? Affected by fried food? (brunch was sausage, onion, apple, egg with toast and coffee)

All is wrong here, now and I can't identify what would be right. All I know is I feel bad, in body and emotion, a bit desperate and trapped, anxious without a sense of where would be right/good/solid to be. (and I conflict over No S: part says "gimme chocolates! crisps! snacks!" and another part says "no" - horrid discomfort)

A victim of any sort, innocent or deserving, still isn't a top dog. Injustice stinks, but who but its victims care about that? What puts that right in oneself? What heals?

[Graham]

11st 1 1/2lb, 38 7/8", BMI 24, WHtR 57.6%, Body Fat 32.3% #

Choir resumed, post-choir issues: happens when I'd normally eat my evening meal, has a snack break in the middle, and pub afterwards where I'm likely to drink alcohol and find snacking very tempting, also with a desire for extra food afterwards. The socialising is good, other people's enjoyment of drinking is nice for the ambiance - now my stomach is sore.

[Graham]

Thu: 11st 1lb, 38 78", BMI 24, WHtR 57.6%, Body Fat 32.4% #
Fri: 11st 0 1/2lb, 38 5/8", BMI 23.9, WHtR 57.2%, Body Fat 31.8%

Strange days: eating full-plate meals and still feeling ravenous afterwards. I couldn't figure that out, but there's been some weight-loss, so maybe that was real unsatisfied hunger. If not for No S I would certainly have eaten more, as I was famished. No S isn't always a painless process. Between meals hunger wouldn't surprise me - but to feel hungry just after a meal, and continuing, seems very odd to me.

Today I'm fasting, so hunger will be no surprise, the issue is not that but to have energy and a productive attitude, to have a constructive day despite two skipped meals.

[Graham]

*11st 0 1/2lb, 39"* BMI 23.9, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.9%* #

overnight volunteering with tea & biscuits distorts measurements. No idea how effective the fast was. I note this, for the first time I had lentil dal and rice as my fast-finishing meal. With broccoli. Missed my 5-a-day, but I did not feel deprived. Later I noticed I was nibbling - a No S fail, but overall I may have avoided excess. How come I didn't mind that I had no meat or my full complement of fruit and veg? What is it about my fasting now that I mind less? Am I adapting to fasting, becoming more able to function during a fast, and possibly losing less body fat?

[Graham]

11st 1 3/4lb, 39", BMI 24.1, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.5%

I could cite "exceptional circumstances" - but any save the dullest life is full of "exceptional circumstances". (Choir performance followed by pub and food) The trend is climbing weight and waist, and 2 fasting days a week are barely holding it in check. I'm certainly not in the "2 days fasting and eat ad lib the rest of the week" zone.

This body seems to want to be fat, and can only be held in check with utterly tedious vigilance and discipline - I get quite fed up with this at times. I would be slimmer if I was more active, but where's the energy for that? Today I'll be at the allotment, a very waist-friendly environment, and I expect I'll fast tomorrow.

[Graham]

11st 2 3/4lb, 38 7/8", BMI 24.2, WHtR 57.6%, Body Fat 31.9%

Witnessing a trend of gradual weekly weight gain. Fasting today. I set just one goal for today: to make progress in my life, to be happier by this evening than I am now.

[Graham]

11st 3 3/4lb, 39 1/2", BMI 24.4, WHtR 58.5%, Body Fat 33.3%

A different fast ending meal: chickpea curry with rice and broccoli - and buttered bread. It's the second time I've had a pulse and rice fast-ending meal. Though it is more economical than eating meat, it appears not to be helpful for weight-loss. Pity - no - more of a nightmare. And maybe the spices explain why I woke before 5am sweating? Or not - other explanations may fit too.

These are very disappointing figures. I had a tolerable time fasting, I wasn't brilliantly physically active, but I was productive in minor ways, it wasn't a totally wasted day. Waist and weight both up - after a day fasting. Damn, damn, damn.

My body is working its way back to where I was when I started No S and ESE a year ago. I've regained half of the weight I lost. It now seems, though I never got more than half way to my modest goal, even that wasn't truly mine. I was strained and unstable, pitted against forces I never understood well enough to properly engage with. I have tried various strategies and none of them have proved sustainably effective. I thought this was the area of change which would lead to other improvements in my life - a false hope, it seems. No S alone can't fix a life. The everyday systems approach has much good in it, but it doesn't go to the heart of things - I must look elsewhere.

2:20pm Mood rose then fell again. Issues diet can't fix might affect my compliance. My Fasting days aren't ideal: Monday follows Sunday, which feeds back into Sunday behaviour (deprivation mode trigger) and Friday precedes Saturday, again an opportunity to engage in compensatory eating. Add pulses with rice - no good news there.

Tangentially relevant: I've tracked down a local Buddhist meditation class worth a try on Wednesday evening. I'm looking for a better perspective on this world than I seem able to generate currently.

[Graham]

11st 1 1/2lb, 38 5/8", BMI 24, WHtR 57.2%, Body Fat 31.6% #

Spicy food is more-ish. Dal would be dull without spices, but with them, the appetite is provoked. Breakfast of lentil dal with boiled eggs on buttered toast was a fine idea, now the lingering spices keep me focused on food.

[Graham]

11st 1 3/4lb, 38 7/8", BMI 24.1, WHtR 57.6%, Body Fat 32.2%

[Graham]

10st 13 1/4llb, 38 3/8", BMI 23.7, WHtR 56.9%, Body Fat 31.5% fasting

Yesterday's evening meal was unusual - a little bread and 3 pieces of chicken (@ 1lb with bones)- too tired and rushed to cook any veg. Is this why I'm suddenly 2 1/2lbs lighter and 1/2" slimmer? Can't be fat loss - nothing to get too excited about - must be water/inflammation reduction.

I have a lot to do today. I don't know if my commitments and fasting can be reconciled.

Measurements: Wrist BP 86/65 pulse 45bpm temperature 35.7degrees C. Biceps cuff BP: 98/70 pulse 52. A sunny day, fortunately.

[Graham]

Saturday: 11st 0lb, 38 5/8", BMI 23.8, WHtR 57.2%, Body Fat 32%
Sunday: 11st 2 3/4lb, 39" BMI 24.2, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.3%

On Saturday, an outdoor choir performance with pizza and a beer. Evening party with cocktails and finger food. Felt odd on Sunday, ate badly, sadly, most of the day - biscuits, pancakes, strawberries with cream, then drinking milk again and more biscuits - now see Monday....

[Graham]

11st 4lb, 38 3/4", BMI 24.4, WHtR 57.4%, Body Fat 31.3% Fasting #

There seems to be no safe way for me to have biscuits in my home, and being slack about No S between my bi-weekly fasts seems another telling vulnerability. I won't explore possible emotional/existential contributors to current trends here - but they exist.

6pm Bullworker and yoga performance degraded by 2 weeks neglect and the effect of today's fast.

10pm: A generously filled plate and yet longing persists. 6 portions of fruit/veg, 175g of lean chicken, fat to fry it - a coffee to follow. Once that would have satisfied me - impressed me, even - but now I'm thinking I've learned how to maximise eating both before and after fasting to nullify any deficit - and what then is the point of fasting? The dreadful realisation that now I dare not stop...

[Graham]

11st 2 3/4lb, 39", BMI 24.2, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.3% #

I didn't stick to No S after my fast last night. My one-plate meal had been a little underwhelming despite its generous size. Too little flavour, soggy and under-spiced, contributing to that sense of post-meal disappointment despite being nutritionally complete. The cream cheese was in the fridge and I ate it. It wasn't overwhelming hunger, yet I ate. I was desirous of either more calories or food pleasure and I had too little sense of why I should resist - that sense was diffuse and ineffective. I felt slight disappointment as I went to bed, I had satisfied an appetite yet failed, simultaneously right and wrong.

Today, then, the consequences; some weight dropped (hardly surprising after yesterday's alarming weight - the trend is ever higher, heading ever upwards) but fatter. Did the cream cheese do that? Before I tried I did not know, I thought perhaps a life-fix could spread from dieting success - but not in my case, it seems. Reinhard has a telling phrase about No S - that it might be effective for "like-minded people" - and that may well be true - but it doesn't seem to include me.

[Graham]

11st 0 1/2lb, 39", BMI 23.9, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.9%

Choices: bread or veg. Suspect the veg way better choice for gut size and nutrition, just more time consuming. Bread is a convenient calorie supplier.

[Graham]

11st 1lb, 39 1/4", BMI 24, WHtR 58.1%, Body Fat 33.4%

Waist? Answers? Struggling with No S compliance. I think breath mints are a problem - zero calorie but maybe causing confusion for the habits. Food on show, too much time in the kitchen. Plus being disorganised, dysfunctional. Growing rift with SO - but puts me in sole charge of what I eat.

[Graham]

Fr:i 11st 2lb, 39 1/4lb, BMI 24.1, WHtR 58.1%, Body Fat 33.1% Fasting
Sat: 11st 3lb, 39", BMI 24.3, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.2% #

Desire, discipline, declining immune system - juggling, fumbling. To say differently - see how my body has adapted, anticipated, adjusted. Wait - this is not only my body. Feeling is as much the issue as physiological matters; but are they separate? If guts produce serotonin in abundance there will be no clear line to draw between them. Conspiring forces of appetite and mood dipping too low to bear prevent fasting and No S strictness at the moment, Sometimes despair must be embraced, and allowed to tell its story.

[Graham]

Sun: 11st 2lb, 39", BMI 24.1, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.5%
Mon: 11st 3lb, 38 1/2", BMI 24.3, WHtR 57%, Body Fat 30.9% Fasting

Should I go on fasting? Any chance I'd manage better if I didn't? I'd stop one sort of suffering - but what would replace it? Unsolved food=love issues are one complication.

And here's a mystery: for many days now, my weight is going up or down in whole pounds - no halves or quarters. Strange. I miss them. Just checked - weighed myself clothed - now 11st 4lb - picked up a 1/4lb weight and weighed again - still "11st 4lb". Looks like my weighing machine has developed some sort of fault. (no battery issue indicated)

[Graham]

11st 2 3/4lb, 38 3/4", BMI 24.2, WHtR 57.4%, Body Fat 31.6%

My worst month for HabitCal compliance draws to a close. Resumption of yoga at home is a positive - I'm beginning to feel the benefit of at-home practice and it is sorely needed. It is one of the healing things, an answer to so much in this world that is either shallow, pointless or downright nasty.

[Graham]

11st 3lb*, 39 1/4", BMI 24.3, WHtR 58.1%, Body Fat 32.9% #

*Scale ignoring fractions again. A choir night - eating times disrupted and some beer. Leafleting at the station improved my mood.

[Graham]

11st 2lb*, 39", BMI 24.1, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.5% *no fractions

[Graham]

11st 2 1/4lb, 38 3/4", BMI 24.2, WHtR 57.4%, Body Fat 31.7%

Fraction reappeared - (11st 3lb briefly then 11st 2 1/4lb). I feel it not ideal to fast today. Lots of stress, unpleasant things to do, unpleasant reflections on my life - not the time to add the stress of fasting. It is a beautifully sunny day, life is a precious gift, all is not yet lost.

[Graham]

11st 3 1/2lb, 39", BMI 24.4, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32.1% #

Odd eating yesterday. Sometimes trying to hit my 5-a-day leads me to eating when not really hungry. I'm seeing the figures and thinking No S was the more important compliance, the one to prioritise, if mindful at the critical juncture.

Also: do my scales need a new battery? Might cure them of erratic weight readings.

[Graham]

11st 3 3/4lb, 39", BMI 24.4, WHtR 57.8%, Body Fat 32%

[Graham]

11st 4 1/4lb, 39 1/4", BMI 24.5, WHtR 58.1%, Body Fat 32.5% Fasting

Reluctantly responding to the trend - it's fasting misery or fat-person misery. And it's raining.

[Graham]

11st 3 3/4lb, 39 1/4", BMI 24.4, WHtR 58.1%, Body Fat 32.7%

After 7 hours sleep, felt cold, - metabolism still down-regulated post fast? Breakfast lacked bread, mushrooms. (3 sausages, egg, onion and apple, ketchup). And it wasn't enough. Like I wanted more. And I waited for that to pass, and bread would've fixed it if I'd had some, but I hadn't. Now I ate again: was that a snack or an early lunch? Home-grown raspberries with sugar and cream. Only I keep score, No S and everything else.

Oh here's a real No S annoyance - when I'm harvesting berries - what's more fun that just eating some right in the moment you pick them? It's one of the delights of gardening - and it would be a No S fail. Not eating ripe berries is a LIFE-FAIL. There are times when No S is stifling, joyless, blinkered, stuffy. Discipline somehow has to accommodate such a moment when a ripe strawberry glows like a jewel.

[oolala53]

How about harvesting strawberries on the weekend, eating your fill as you go, and picking some extra for during the week?

Or declare an NWS day just for strawberry harvesting. Then it's not a fail.

Beside, I think if someone is consistently sticks to Vanilla No S, a Fail once awhile for strawberries is hardly going to be a problem.

In any case, enjoy every bite!

[Graham]

How about harvesting strawberries on the weekend, eating your fill as you go, and picking some extra for during the week?

I already do that - but just harvesting on the weekend isn't often enough - strawberries ripen on a daily basis- left ripe on the plant too long, snails eat them, so I have to harvest at my allotment every 2 or 3 days.

Or declare an NWS day just for strawberry harvesting. Then it's not a fail.

As I say above, I have to harvest too often for this to fit within the No S structure.

Beside, I think if someone is consistently sticks to Vanilla No S, a Fail once awhile for strawberries is hardly going to be a problem.

In any case, enjoy every bite!

This is every 2 or 3 days over many weeks and the irritation does interfere with my enjoyment somewhat, though I try not to let it.

[Graham]

11st 4lb, 39 3/8", BMI 24.4, WHtR 58.3%, Body Fat 32.9%

I didn't eat to suspicious excess at any point yesterday - but there was the allotment harvesting and transplanting, then choir, biscuits and pub, finally late eating - it was probably a No S F day, having too little for breakfast may have been a trigger, bread might have helped.

[Graham]

11st 3 1/4lb, 39 1/8" BMI 24.3, WHtR 58%, Body Fat 32.5% #

No S compliance is becoming ever more difficult. It is about resentment as much as anything. At dance class, everyone else is having tea and biscuits, and someone has brought strawberries - and I want them too. I imagine I would have coped better when I was younger and my system was more vigorous, though I do recall some of the elderly people I knew when I was growing up were very skinny. Opposing the desire for more food than I'm eating has become a constant and I'm fed up with it.

I know I have S days (thank heavens for them!), and I do know people - trim, restrained sorts - who actually enjoy controlling themselves - but I'm not like them, and I don't seem to be becoming like them. I am not getting the joy of saying "No" even after a year, au contraire.

[SkyKitty]

I give myself a "fruit at any time" mod.

I think the benefits of proper, fresh fruit outweigh the extra calories. So far, for me, this has not led to a slippery slope of having anything else between meals, and right now I'm only tending to have fruit with meals, but if I need or want it I'll have it. I reckon nobody ever got obese from eating too much fruit.

For example I'm going to the funfair this evening with friends, it only comes to the island once a year, this means I'll eat dinner much later than usual. So I plan to have an extra banana before I go, and chuck an apple in my bag just in case - which will make me stay away from all those doughnuts and chips.

A lot of people who do No S successfully have developed their own tweak on the system, is that something that might help you?

[Graham]

11st 2 1/2lb, 39 1/4", BMI 24.2, WHtR 58.1%, Body Fat 33% # Fasting

Sore throat this morning. More generally I'm noting temperature fluctuations, feeling chilly during the day, then waking in the night feeling too hot. I was mindlessly snacking last night. I know it's partly the result of just sitting in the kitchen with things to snack on sitting on the table instead of put away, but it was also because I didn't eat enough at my meal, I was a bit lazy and clueless about what to eat. Annoying to have No S fails day after day.

@SkyKitty - mods, well it's a thought - I do fast 2 days a week most weeks, I low-carbed as well for a while - with mixed results. I've been trying to re-stabilise the No S/IF combo before adding other tweaks.

5:33pm This fast is so wearisome, I'm ending it early (6pm). I am too distracted by cold hands and feet and lack of purposeful activity.

[Graham]

11st 3 1/4lb, 39 1/4", BMI 24.3, WHtR 58.1%, Body Fat 32.8%

After ending the fast around 7pm, I did not, as I half expected, eat again - nor did I quaff milk - I stuck to No S without signal difficulty - and yet, I'm one pound heavier. It was physically demanding, mentally distracting, subversive - and I weigh more, and I'm no slimmer. I didn't manage to exercise - a shopping trip was all my output. I dosed myself occasionally with vitamin C to control the sore nose/throat that is with me still. I can't cite any positive outcome, mental or physical. I endured it, that's all. I can only imagine, maybe I would be even fatter and heavier had I not done it, and that doesn't look like much, it is just a story I'm telling myself for comfort.

Frequent infections suggest the possibility of being "run down" - standard advice being to look at diet/stress levels - and check for issues like diabetes or anaemia. Fasting stress might make being "run down" more likely - yet I'm doing it in part to avoid a suspected tendency to diabetes, which is strongly associated with excess weight/waist. Catch 22! I'm fairly supplement savvy and don't think the quality of my intake is that bad - even on fasting days I usually manage to get my "five-a-day" - so I wonder, is there a solution for me? Is a waist 50% of my height actually attainable now? Making myself sick to make myself healthy is no answer.

[Graham]

11st 4 1/2lb, 39 1/2", BMI 24.5, WHtR 58.5%, Body Fat 33.1%

These are discouraging figures. I am losing the battle. Not only weight-gain but a sore throat that has dogged me for days. I'll take vitamin C to stay on top of that, but what of the rest? What can I do? I was treated to a big lunch - but later I was the one choosing what and how much to eat, so who but I can be held responsible? A miserable turn of events. I don't want this predicament, I see no tolerable resolution.

[Graham]

11st 7 3/4lb, 39 5/8", BMI 25, WHtR 58.7%, Body Fat 32.6%

Rainy weather kept me home, munching, instead of out and active. Didn't hit my 5 a day - did graze on such things as a whole packet of biscuits, some childish sweets (a 5 pack of my favourites in local supermarket enabled that excess), Pancakes (how can I regret them? Such happy things), bacon sandwiches, fish fingers. Ramshackle day, low activity, at home, bored - and here I am, 3 1/4lbs heavier in just one day, 4 1/2lbs gained in a weekend. I'm not a big person - it is a lot, it is shocking, shaming - I feel I must be so stupid, so blind, to have fallen this far.

I don't want to fast today either. I am disenchanted with it. I would need to get stricter when I'm also suspecting fasting is a strain, acting to undermine my resistance to some types of infection. Though fasting proponents praise it's immuno-boosting effects, my health issues seem to contradict that. One can always say "If I hadn't fasted, I might have been sick more often" but that's a tendentious argument. This is not a happy place to be.

I do sometimes enjoy fasting and look forward to it, but other days it feels like being sent to bed without supper; sad, self-denying unloving, isolating. I think, for fasting to have a wholesome effect, it must be done in an affirmative spirit.

[osoniye]

Hi Graham,
Sorry you're having a tough time.
There's a fasting thread on which oolala advised me, rather than fasting, to stick with 3 meals and make one of them a little smaller for a while, than another, etc. I have not had great success fasting, and am coming to the conclustion it's not for everyone. I really hope you can find your way. Seems to me NoS is the best thing going, just takes a little tweaking sometimes.
Keep looking up. You've made great overall progress, even if it doesn't seem like it. You really are heading in the right direction, even if there are some stumbles. You've not only made positive progress, but think of the negative "progress" you might have made if you'd crashed dieted and then regained all, or any of a number of other options.
I'm heading into a difficult family situation and am trying to make a gratitude list each day... it's supposed to be a powerful tool, and I just pass on that suggestion, not to stuff the pain but give the positive some air time too, to keep things in perspective. (Feel free to take that or leave it... )
Wishing you the best,
Sonya

[Graham]

11st 8lb, 40", BMI 25.1, WHtR 59.3%, Body Fat 33.5%

I am now within 4lb and 1/2" of where I was when I started No S and ESE. A year of struggle. And my sore nose/throat is STILL coming back! Does that mean the "fasting makes my health worse" theory wrong? I am stressed from different directions, it isn't all about weight.

If I just do No S I'm back to where I was at the start: it doesn't promote weight-loss in my case - so what is the point of doing it? Annoying rules that don't lose me any weight? No answer to that. Hard to deal with this. My liking for more food than a slim person eats has been with me since my earliest years, it is me being as "natural" as I know how to be. So I, not fighting myself, get fat. I don't like the look of that, nor do I like the feel of a restriction sufficient to change it. Looks like I'm doomed to be unhealthy and consequently unhappy.

It is hard to credit how far I've fallen, and how fast. Nothing too obvious about it, I'm a moderate packaged food eater (bread, biscuits and weekend sweets) , not a fizzy sweet drink drinker, my diet could be described as fairly wholesome, criticised probably for the quantity of coffee and tea I drink.

[Graham]

11st 6lb, 39 1/4", BMI 24.7, WHtR 58.1%, Body Fat 32.1%

[Graham]

11st 5 3/4lb, 39 3/4", BMI 24.7, WHtR 58.9%, Body Fat 33.5% #

[Graham]

11st 5 3/4lb*, 39 1/2" Not fasting, *weighed myself clothed. (fed up)

[kccc]

Graham, you are so hard on yourself!

Read back over your own journal. You have come a long way in terms of your original goals. And, there are times in our busy/stressful/complicated lives when just not gaining is a triumph.

My advice to you (totally unsolicited, of course!)

- Be gentler with yourself.
- Savor moments. (Even in the darkest times, there are moments of beauty, joy, and connection.)
- Celebrate accomplishments (no matter how small they might seem!)

Very best wishes.

[Graham]

KCCC, thank you for your concern (and Sonya, I forgot to respond to your posting, meant to say thanks to you too.) However when you say I've come a long way ... I seem to have gone about halfway to where I wanted to be, and then come nearly all the way back to where I started. I have other challenges too, finding positives to celebrate isn't easy at the moment.

[kccc]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

At a very dark time in my life, I was assigned the task of finding "5 good things" in each day, no matter how small. (Originally it was 10, but I felt that was asking more than I could do.) It was a powerful assignment, because it made me LOOK for "something good, somewhere." Many of the things on my lists were miniscule... but the process made a real difference to me.

I wish you the best.

[Graham]

11st 5 3/4lb, 39 3/4"

[Graham]

11st 8lb, ?waist - 39 3/4 or 40" .

Here again. And when I cycle - something suspiciously like angina. I really didn't want to get back here, and yet, here I am. How much to say? This site is about No S and other Everyday Systems - not a confessional, not a place, perhaps, where it would be appropriate to dig too deeply - it is public - not just to the No S community, but potentially viewable by any of the world's search engine users. Yet there is a value in expression here, something beyond the private realm.

I have used intermittent fasting* as a strategy for combating weight gain - but it is taxing and possibly hazardous. I have fallen out of love with it. In the background is a wider, existential disenchantment, a road I don't know how to walk. Bafflement. I hope, like every winter, this one precedes a spring - but I do not know it. It seems at times as though I stepped off my own path long ago, and doing anything that makes sense became an impossibility. To find again that path, that inner connection, and move forward from that - can I? Can I not?

*in conjunction with No S to prevent compensatory eating between fasts. No S alone wasn't an effective weight-loss tool for me.

[Graham]

11st 6 3/4lb, 39 3/4", BMI 24.9, WHtR 58.9%, Body Fat 33.2% #

New battery in my scale will cure the vanishing fractions, I believe.

[BrightAngel]

Yet there is a value in expression here,
something beyond the private realm.

Graham, I agree.
There is a commonality here which I find personally helpful.
I find that often people write feelings that I share,
but which have not yet become words...even in my own mind.

[Graham]

11st 6 1/4lb, 40 1/4"* BMI 24.8, WHtR 59.6%, Body Fat 34.6%

*Different tape measure, it is out by about 1/4", I think, also measured after a cup of coffee, not sure how quickly that affects the waist.

* the tape is out by 1/8", but the effect of the coffee I cannot quantify. Also strange - I went for a bike ride, weighed myself afterwards - 11st 4 1/2lb! Is that possible or is my digital scale becoming ever more inaccurate, despite the new battery? I also checked with an old spring scale and that gave either 11st 2lb, or 11st 0lb. Bother. Can't ignore the waist though, whatever the eccentricities of the scale.

3pm I just checked: I weigh more**, and am fatter, than I was one calendar year ago. I don't feel too healthy either. After this year with its ups and downs, I feel uncertain that I could cope with another year of similar efforts - it drains me. I have eaten pretty well as well as I could (budget permitting), I've no sense of having some unexamined strategy waiting in the wings, just whether I'm willing to undergo more strain, more deprivation, and whether I will cope any better this coming year than I did in the last one.

** more at 11st 6 1/4lb, not if 11st 4 1/2lb were the truer measure. Still I am unquestionably fatter, no doubt about that.

[Graham]

11st 5 3/4lb, 39 7/8", BMI 24.7, WHtR 59.1%, Body Fat 33.8% #

Digital scale continues odd behaviour: says "11st 7lb" then jumps to "11st 5 3/4lb". Is the second figure accurate/trustworthy? Old mechanical scale said "11 stone" - but it is pointless to keep swapping scales, except to ensure I'm not being mislead by faulty equiptment. My tape measure is annoyingly trustworthy.

12:16pm No S fails: Very regular at the moment. Though always modest in quantity, they lower my morale. I feel unwilling to be a "fundamentalist" about No S - if I feel I didn't put enough on my plate, and it could have fitted on that plate, then I don't want to count that as a fail. Partly because I HATE to call myself a failure. I got too much ego-squashing input in early life (and compensatory ego inflation) for that to sit well with me.

There's the "biscuits at tea break" issue - happens at choir on Tuesdays, happens at my 2 hour tango class on Wednesdays. I currently find saying no to the snacks a real bother.

Also a bother is that whole "this is how our forebears ate" How long ago was that? Snacks? My parents and grandparents had biscuits with tea, it was at fixed times, not a total free-for-all, should we think of them as carby mini-meals? Seconds? If seconds = dessert - then we had them, they were part of school dinners in the 1950's, nothing unusual. How far back must we go to find desserts not on the menu? I'm thinking my own history doesn't support the No S rules particularly. However, I have had a preference for a well-cooked, tasty main meal, and haven't felt compelled to have a dessert - a cigarette and coffee finished most of my meals.

Surely I need to be again at peace with food, with appetite, with slight hunger. Energy and exercise are needed, still looking for how to have a well-rounded, happy, healthy life. How to be happy without props?

Oh, yes, I spent 10 minutes on my rowing machine! after 3 1/2 months! @ 1.7K. It felt sort of shapeless - how long should I?, how far? My bike rides take 1hour, but I'm sure I don't have the stamina for 1 hour on the rower. I feel a little sleepy now - did 10 minutes rowing do that?

[Graham]

11st 7 1/8", 40 1/8", BMI 24.9, WHtR 59.4%, Body Fat 34% #

Continuing to go in the wrong direction, losing control. Eating with SO has been a problem once again - strawberries for a dessert I didn't need - but then belatedly enjoyed. We grew them, harvested them, seems mad not to eat them - growing a few less seems to be the solution there. It would be good if I could grow coffee and keep chickens.

Parallel to the dietary struggles, emotional chaos - all that was not done, or not well done, or not understood, or not healed, the unforgiven and unforgivable, all presenting themselves to me, haunting me, day after day. Jumbled, shadowy hopes clash with the probably shabby compromises that might be on offer, if I pursue them as though they were my deepest aspirations. Nothing looks good here. (pace KCCC, I can still see the sun is shining, but the little joys of the day are dwarfed by all that is deeply wrong)

I wish I had that sense of order, that instinct for it, which characterises the No S approach. I have stumbled through life, unwilling to submit to those who said obeying them would serve me better, unwilling to pay the price of humiliation, paying a price anyway for a poorly chosen path. Perhaps, also, I have not trusted the orderly approach to life, unable to share it's cosy assumptions about the goodness and soundness of this world. I do not see the way ahead.

I wonder if I have made wrong assumptions, asked the wrong questions - and still I cannot see good options, something to make sense of existence in this midden. I have this to contemplate: I and this world don't seem to be a good fit. Neither I nor the world seem willing to compromise enough for comfort. I might have managed better in this world if I had expected less of it, and of my fellow human beings, but, without hopes and dreams to soften my perception of a mostly indifferent world, I might not have endured at all.

[BrightAngel]

I and this world don't seem to be a good fit.
Neither I nor the world seem willing to compromise enough for comfort.
I might have managed better in this world if I had expected less of it,
and of my fellow human beings,
but, without hopes and dreams to soften my perception of a mostly indifferent world,
I might not have endured at all.

Graham, This feeling is not uncommon to me, or to many of us.
This is an old song that inspires and comforts me, personally,
perhaps it will do that for you as well.
http://www.diethobby.com/videos.php?n=11&id=5

[Graham]

11st 6 1/2lb, 39 1/2", BMI 24.8, WHtR 58.5%, Body Fat 32.6% #

This will be a light fast - I ate late, I have an extra choir rehearsal tonight from 7:30 so I'll definitely want to eat before that, around 6pm. It will have to do. I feel a bit adrift on fasting days, without a solid routine to connect the fasting to.

@BA - I knew Desiderata long ago, I think I saw it on a poster before the song hit the airwaves. If I was feeling bleak, and needing solace, I would turn to music first - Brahms, probably. Re-reading Ehrmann's poem now brings me questions rather than answers - wondering about the basis for his assertions. Sometimes naming how things are, being with oneself, witnessing the truth of it, is enough.

[SkyKitty]

Good luck with getting back into a good routine with the rowing.

[Graham]

Saturday 11st 4 1/2lb, 39 3/8", BMI 24.4, WHtR 58.3%, Body Fat 32.8%

I've decided to modify one of my modifications. I've had 5-a-day on my HabitCal for a long time. A worthy aim - except that, on fasting days, and less frequently on N days, it sometimes obliges me to eat more than I otherwise would. I have mulled this over - what is the productive intent of 5-a-day? When I have only one meal instead of 3, could I say that 2 portions would count as my 5-a-day for that day? The ratio would be preserved, if not the total quantity - otherwise fasts may be nullified by post-fast banquets, and N days spoiled by a sense of obligation to eat beyond appetite.

So: here it is: on fasting days, I will treat either 2 fruit/veg or smaller portions of fruit veg as 5-a-day compliance. Treating this issue any differently would create problems instead of solving them. If I'm very hungry for that post fast meal, I will still aim to prioritise fruit and veg over refined starchy carbs.

8:26 am I feel very restless just now, the upcoming performance is making me feel very overshadowed, my body feels like it wants to be exercised, enlivened, relaxed – perfected (in so far as my 60-year-old body can be perfected....)

@SkyKitty thanks for your good wishes. As a regular cyclist I do have other aerobic options, but I put the rowing machine on my HabitCal way back, and I'm just seeing whether I can/should/ought to re-incorporate it as a daily practice, and if so, how, and how much. I used to row out of a combination of thinking it a good idea and enjoying the feel of it. Then I began to experience bad moods, bursts of anger, while I was using my rower, and found being out on my bike more congenial.

[Graham]

11st 6 1/2lbs, 39 5/8†BMI 24.8, WHtR 58.7%, Body Fat 32.9%

The choir performances went pretty well, then on to the Choir Director's birthday barbecue. I ate plenty. I am not too surprised by a 2lb weight-gain, or 1/4" on my waist. My voice continues to improve, the choir is such a pleasure - I am useful, valued - people actually praise me - so nice. I wonder it times "what if I'd found singing earlier?" but I'm glad I have it now.

[Graham]

11st 6 1/2lb, 39 3/4", BMI 24.8, WHtR 58.9%, Body Fat 33.3% #

[Graham]

11st 7 1/4l.b, 39 5/8", BMI 24.9, WHtR 58.7%, Body Fat 32.7%

Weight UP by 3/4lb That's disappointing! Damn! After all I wrote about 5-a-day I did put all 5 in one meal - plus potatoes and buttered pita bread. I was struggling to finish it, could have stopped a little sooner - yet, later I was consciously resisting a floating fantasy about chocolate biscuits.

It wasn't a difficult fast - the hot weather counteracted the usual fasting chill. I intended to be productive, and there I fell woefully short of my aspiration. I got some things done, but far less than I expected. I would say this in my defence - Radio 4's output was outstandingly engaging yesterday, and I'd got a couple of series to catch up with on Radio 4 extra. Add in a shopping trip and there's most of the day gone.

I know I ate a big meal to prevent needy feelings, and to avoid No S "failure". I hate that word and it's effect on me. It creates a paradoxical pressure in me to overeat (within the No S rules) rather than feel deprivation. One key presumption of effective No S is that one will lose that deprivation anxiety over time. That doesn't seem to hold true for me. It seems to rest on a "re-learning" model. I suspect such models are only effective where the internal emotional drivers of excess aren't too prominent.

I remember many years ago, during a period when my weight had been steady for years, I became short of cash and got worried about having enough to eat. I carefully planned my food shopping, (probably leaning towards more affordable starchy calories) and ended up gaining

10am. My stomach is STILL SORE from last night's post-fast one-plate monster. How stupid is that? I only do it because No S rules limit me to a one-plate meal without snacks. I need to do something different at the end of my fast. I wouldn't load the plate if it weren't my only eating opportunity before bed-time. I think I need to change this, but how to do it without opening the door to mindless excess? Could I have 2 post-fast meals? Or just decide to eat without restriction after a fast'? I'm thinking a fast should end with something small and light - soup or salad, for example. Then, once that has digested a little, think about a proper meal. Perhaps if I just gave myself permission to eat a second time, I might not need to actually do it? Let's see. Friday should be my next chance experiment.

[Pangelsue2]

Hi Graham,
First time posting here. Did some extensive reading of your posts. You are obviously highly intelligent and try to think through the in and outs of life. I enjoy your introspection but also detect some self flagellating. I too, do not like conforming to rules when I don't necessarily think they would work for me. I am way too rebellious for that. In fact, I particularly identified with your saying that sometimes you made poor life decisions rather than conform to what was expected of you.
However, I do have question for you. Maybe I just missed the part of your thread where you discussed this, but it seems to me that you put far stricter controls on yourself than you worry others do. Fasting is very hard to do and yet you impose it on yourself fairly often. I also never hear you talk about actually enjoying eating. It is like eating is some frenzied out of control thing that happens to you that you can't stop. It sounds like you are dealing with some history of body issues that go way back. I think most of us here are dealing with those same issues. I would wish that you could give yourself permission to enjoy 3 meals a day, a treat now and then and relax. I also wish you would realize you are really not that much overweight for your height and accept yourself more.
I am 66 years old and I spent the last 50 years of that in self loathing because of my size. I would hate to think how much of my time on this earth I spent desperately searching to find "the answer". It is only very recently that I am starting to accept, I will never be slim and wispy but I can be healthier and somewhat thinner. Living is also about so much more than food but I spent and continue to spend an inordinate amount of time focused on that one life function. Living is all about changing that which we can change, accepting that which we can not change and the wisdom to know the difference. Trite, I know, but it has worked for many addicted people for many years. The words are profound and shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. We all hear them and go "yadda, yadda", but attempting to live by them is hard and yet worth the effort. Just some thoughts to add to the soup.

[Graham]

11st 7 1/4lb, 40", BMI 24.9, WHtR 59.2%, Body Fat 33.5%

Hi Pangelsue2. Your comments made me laugh - and then a bit later you say you will ask a question - but where did it go? Was it "do you enjoy your food ever?" And then, finally I thought you did seem to have missed some salient points about my history which make my behaviour seem unjustifiably extreme to you.

So, what I think you missed: that I have had a heart attack, and that I carry a LOT of my excess clumped around my belly. Visceral fat. That's why I quote my waist and WHtR (waist/height ratio) as well as my weight/BMI. For people built like me WHtR is a more accurate indicator of heart disease risk than BMI

So, about my relationship to food - it is tricky. I do enjoy food - enjoy it too much for my own good, that's the problem. The heart attack was traumatic, avoiding a recurrence lies behind my weight and waist-loss efforts. At the moment I'm not managing to reduce my weight, I'm creeping back towards exactly what I weighed and measured when I started No S and fasting. If I don't fast, my weight climbs more rapidly.

If it were just about aesthetics I would find it easier to adopt an accepting attitude to weight-gain - but post heart attack that's just not possible for me. I'm still too attached to life to view it's end, especially in pain, with equanimity. If your issues are different, if there's no shadow stalking you, if you can become more relaxed and happy with yourself through No S that's great, I don't knock your perspective, it makes good sense, and I wish you success.

[Pangelsue2]

You are right. I did miss some salient points. A heart attack changes the picture and certainly makes diet a lot more important. It also makes staying low stress important. There is an Oscar nominated Swedish movie named "As It Is In Heaven" that you might enjoy. It is an attitude-to-life movie that stays with the watcher long after the movie is done. I don't know why really but it speaks to something basic in the human spirit and it has a lot to say about the use of our time here on earth.
That said, I know you are not from the US so I don't know how familiar you are with a couple of authors here in the US who have done some very interesting books on reversing heart disease.
Dean Ornish has written many books on reversing heart disease.
There is a site for Dr. Oz that might be interesting. I saw the video version and he was working with a heart attack survivor throughout the video. I couldn't find the video but here is the website address:
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/reverse- ... ase-28-day

Dr. Weil has written several books on aging healthfully and it is a diet, lifestyle approach as well.
When my husband was diagnosed with lymphoma 17 years ago, his doctor heartlessly told him that no matter what he did, he had 6 years tops. We were dumbstruck and didn't know where to turn. Soon after we attended a conference put on by Cancer Treatment Centers of America and it changed our lives. Their centers do all the ordinary chemo therapy etc but they also treat the mind and the spirit. They believe that first the patient needs to know they are in charge of their lives and also that they are totally in charge of how they feel about that life. There is a lot of focus on attitude. They say that at a time when the person needs to feel most empowered, the diagnosis takes all the feelings of empowerment from them, leaving them feeling ultimately helpless. They proceeded to empower everyone there by telling them what they can actually do to help themselves heal and live longer. We began our search and 17 years later, my husband is healthy and enjoying his life.
My father died at 54 of a massive heart attack. It was in the days before open heart surgery and also before they knew what to do about congenital heart problems (which is what they probably would have diagnosed if they had been able to). As soon as he was diagnosed after having his first attack, the doctors gave him nitro and told him not to eat egg yolks. Other than that, he was on his own. He stopped all activity, became depressed and frightened. The doctors told my mom after he died that he probably scared himself to death. Doctors have a tough job and I wouldn't want to do it. They have to warn and treat the patient to the best of their ability. Where I think they often fail is empowering the patient with possibilities resulting from change of lifestyle. More and more cases of "amazing" cures are showing up that support the power of the patient to heal him or herself.
Finally, (and then I will get off my soapbox, promise), I often get myself grounded in accepting what is and moving on by recounting the story of Dr. Rodale. He started Prevention magazine back in the 60's and was singled handedly responsible for the organic food movement and using supplements to improve our health and well being. He ate right, took all the right supplements and his prognosis to live a long and healthy life looked assured. He was crossing a street in Russia to give a talk on healthy living at a conference there, and was killed by a truck. The mother of a good frieind worried constantly about her husband who had a bad heart. She was constantly asking us how she could possibly survive life without him. She was killed in a car accident 20 years ago and he is still alive. Life is never assured or predictable. It is a lottery, at best. We can only make ourselves healthy enough to live as well and as long as possible. The when is hidden from all of us. You may well outlive many people who currently appear to be healthy. If someone goes nuts, and bombs the free world, what disease we are going to die of will quickly become academic. One day at a time is all any of us could or should attempt. Find peace with yourself and then adjust your diet or not as that feeling of peace advises.
Now, I am going to go and mind my own business.

[Graham]

11st 5 3/4lb, 39 3/4", BMI 24.7, WHtR 58.9%, Body Fat 33.5% #

@Pangelsue2: I'm well aware of Ornish - not so well acquainted with Weil or Oz - though I recall hearing his treatment of Gary Taubes was shabby. As for Ornish's claims - a comparative study I read some years ago concluded that any diet that produced significant, sustained weight loss tended to reduce arterial narrowing. Therefore no reason to prefer Ornish to Atkins, or Weight-Watchers - the long term issue was compliance, and, unsurprisingly, compliance with Ornish's diet was the lowest.

There are lots of competing theories out there, the challenge is to find a solution that works for you, that you can stick with long term. My hope, after some time combining No S and Intermittent fasting, was to reach a goal state I was happy with and could sustain with only one fast a week. I seem to have greatly underestimated the difficulty of my task. I didn't know a waist measurement 50% of my height would be so hard to attain. I wonder how I'm going to do it, whether there's any measure I can take that will get me that without compromising my general health and immunity.

I haven't found fasting to live up to the upbeat descriptions proffered by its proponents, they tend not to mention feeling cold or de-motivated - but then I don't think any of them are anywhere near my age. At least one fast a week, however, I would consider quite appealing - there is a sense of rest, of relief - and what one eats after it is very enjoyable.

It seems, over time, a smart body notices the rhythm of abundance and lack, and can compensate for it - as though there was a set-point to maintain. The challenge of outmanoeuvring it, or better yet re-setting it at a lower point, can it be done? Anyone succeeding with that?

9:45am - been off for an hour or so doing on-line reading on set-points and how to defeat them. Interesting. Clues? One suggestion is to try 1 tbsp of Coconut oil an hour before each meal. Interesting. However, about a year ago someone on No S wrote how taking some cider vinegar before meals was a sure-fire appetite suppressant - and where are they now? Disappeared from the forum - so how trustworthy was that? I note allusions to the importance of leptin, and low body temperature being associated with it. I certainly have low body temperature, and a slow-ish pulse. (I cannot, however, hang upside down to sleep through the winter, or emit high-pitched squeaks as I fly)

Coconut Oil update: gave it a go, then had breakfast - something is making me nauseous now. Hmm.

[Graham]

11st 6lb, 39 7/8", BMI 24.7, WHtR 59.1%, Body Fat 33.7% #

Here again: a fast, a day to live through, not just marking time.

[Graham]

11st 6lb, 39 7/8", BMI 24.7, WHtR 59.1%, Body Fat 33.7%

Fasting's distraction devoured my day. Restriction ended, I devoured the proceeds. I may comfort myself that I am just where I was yesterday, that I'm no bigger - and half believe it. If I thought that my weight was trying to rise like a balloon, tethered by fasting, I might be cheered.

Am I seeing what age does, at how the rules of the body alter over time? Or, to look at it another way, has my body now got wise to what I'm trying to do (get slimmer) and no longer wishes to cooperate? I have been my body's oppressor, my own oppressor - and the trickery that worked a year ago isn't working now.

The secret, if it is one (I may have fooled no-one but myself), is that I'm not just fighting my waistline, but ultimately the forces of time and age, trying to stay young, to deny death. A win can only be understood in terms of how long, and how pleasingly, I can play the game.

Can there be any pretty answers to ugly questions?

I was fat from my earliest years, having no experience of life with a normal waist and BMI, apart from my years as a smoker. Tobacco and moderate carb consumption together flattered me, faked a figure health issues now deny me. Did 1950's infant formula do for me, predisposing me to a fat life, preventing forever an untroubled relationship with food? Is a weight/height ratio of 50% or less "unnatural" for me, for my body? Is there is never to be a comfy answer to atherosclerosis for me? Answers, yes, comfy, no? Damn, damn, damn.

[Graham]

11st 7 3/4lb, 39 7/8" BMI 25, WHtR 59.1%, Body Fat 33.3%

As I watered the sweetcorn on my allotment yesterday I recalled Geoffrey Cannon's "Dieting Makes You Fat" - I was thinking about the "Is Exercise Making You Fat? thread elsewhere on the forum at the time.

Now, I'm looking at my own predicament and wondering, isn't that exactly my problem? I dropped weight, couldn't keep it off, and now it's on the rise, looking like it will go beyond where I started. And that made me wonder whether I should fast today, even though I'm fatter than I was last Monday - or is it because I'm fatter than last Monday? And I'm fighting the one person I never want to beat: Me.

[Graham]

11st 8 1/2lb, 39 7/8" BMI 25.1, WHtR 59.1%, Body Fat 33.1%

Yesterday was hot, humid, I didn't fast. Somewhat more purposeful than fasting occasions, eating was moderate. No significant aerobic exercise. Another puncture and a broken spoke, too awkwardly situated for home repair, kept me from riding sunny towpaths.

I had half a hope that I might weigh no more than yesterday, but I was seated too many hours to make that likely, I gained 3/4lb. What do I think of fasting now? Do I love it still? Will I return to it, embrace it once again?

Further, on fasting: If I drop the hype, the excessive praise that recommended fasting to me, acknowledging that it is at times a hampering, wearisome, dreary practice - is it yet worthwhile? If, say, I thought of it as a medicine, might it still be preferable to the pharmaceuticals I might otherwise be obliged to take? If I admit that an ageing body deteriorates, however it is treated, that impairment of one sort or another is in prospect, might fasting be the impairment of choice, my least bad option?

[Pangelsue2]

Are you sure fasting isn't teling your body you are starving and so you metabolism is slowing down to help keep you alive? Also, are you over thinking a really basically simple plan. Eat 3 normal meals, restrict sugar and snacking to the weekends and then have moderate amounts on the weekend. Try to throw in some moderate exercise. Don't stress too much. That is all. I know "that is all" is not as simple as it sounds in actual practice. But, some of us have found that if we worry less about what we eat and more about why, we do better. For instance, I am not doing as good as previously because we are remodeling and that seems to increase my stress levels quite a bit. So I am eating things that are soothing in the hopes that I will feel better. It is not working but out of a lifetime of habit, I keep reverting to the damaging behavior. If I stop long enough to ask, if a chocolate bar will get the chaos my life is in right now, righted, I know of course the answer is no. I am trying today to learn patience and do things that make me feel comforted instead of eating comforting foods. If it is not about hunger, it is not about food.

[Graham]

@Pangelsue2 - if you can't follow your own advice successfully, what makes you think it is worth passing on to me? If you look at my earliest postings you'll see I spent an unproductive month on vanilla No S with near 100% compliance before I began experimenting with fasting. I only tried it, reluctantly, with the hope of shifting some worryingly distributed excess body fat.

I'm sure your advice is well meant, but I didn't come to my current position quickly or lightly. My thoughts are a product of over a year's experimentation plus reading some very in-depth reflections from the postings of others with more experience dealing with similar issues. Some of the certainties you seem to be relying on don't apply to everybody, would that they did.

I hope you can make No S work for you, that an understanding of why you over-eat proves successful. I have sympathy for that approach myself, though I never yet had sustained success with it. I think it works for some people, and I hope you will be amongst them.

[Graham]

11st 7 3/4lb, 39 5/8", BMI 25, WHtR 58.7%, Body Fat 32.6%

Eating didn't seem so urgent, bike ride, window-box salad, protein not so attractive. I haven't got a handle on the processes. Meditation is going better though my mood is sometimes bleak. Anxious over an upcoming high, demanding solo - easy to spoil. I am not at present master of my fears.

[Pangelsue2]

Best of luck to you on your journey. Hope your solo goes well.

[Graham]

11st 6 1/2lb, 39 15/16", BMI 24.8, WHtR 59.2%, Body Fat 33.7%

As I was idly licking butter off a knife, feeling peckish and not stirring myself to fix some sort of meal, a sense of awareness about how food might be affecting me arose yesterday. Not only that salad is enlivening, which I've been pretty certain of for many years (though I often forget to act on it) but also that fat, and perhaps salt, seem to be stupefying. It is hot weather, and these "rules" might not be so true when it's cooler, but it led to a salad, and a sense of energy which I enjoyed for some hours.

I'm not sure where carbs fit in to this sense, and I still have a vinaigrette dressing with olive oil in it on my lettuce and grated carrot.

As my weight is dropping back, as I feel calm about food, I'm wondering whether I'll fast this Friday. I can wait till then and see whether fasting feels like an affirmation or a denial.

@Pangelsue - thanks for your good wishes re the solo, I'm gradually figuring out how I might tackle it, and feeling more optimistic.

[Graham]

11st 7 1/4lb, 40", BMI 24.9, WHtR 59.3%, Body Fat 33.7%

I've decided not to fast again today. If I have a productive day, it will be redeemed. I wonder, last night, had I eaten a salad instead of bread, butter and ham, with later couscous and vegetables, would I be slimmer/lighter today?

I have eaten breakfast because I don't want to be tired today - but as I prepared my meal I felt conflicted, somewhat sad, nostalgic. I have come to enjoy the deprivation followed by that big, tasty fast-ending meal. Conflict there of course - that big meal is reducing the calorie deficit - what's the story now? Is it fast to enable the feast, instead of fasting to shed fat and gain health? Maybe I've lost the plot.

[Joyofsix]

I'm new and just read several pages of your check in. You ask hard questions, which is of course a blessing and a curse. You should be proud of yourself for looking for answers. Many take their cholesterol lowering meds with a fast food meal I hope you find your answers. Best of luck.

[Graham]

11st 5 1/2lb, 39 3/4", BMI 24.7, WHtR 58.9%, Body Fat 33.5%

I'm wondering about my electronic scales. Their occasional eccentricity undermined my trust. Despite a new battery (not that the low battery indicator had yet requested a change) they indicate a variability I'm not sure I should trust. The tape measure too is tricky to use consistently. Still, so far as I can tell, I'm a bit slimmer and lighter than yesterday morning.

I ate very well yesterday - I got 7 different fruit and vegetable portions with never a hint of stuffing myself - and I was No S compliant too! When I have time to cook, I eat well with minimal waste. Good local shops and a street market make a fresh, wholesome diet affordable.

@joyofsix - thanks for your comments and good wishes.

[tobiasmom]

Seven fruit and veggie portions??? Awesome! I need some tips. I strive for three right now! Do you have them all precut or use frozen or mostly salad? I sure hope your scale is working....cuz it looks good this morning!

[Graham]

11st 6lb, 39 1/2", BMI 24.7, WHtR 58.5%, Body Fat 32.7%

@Tobiasmom. Tips? Mainly that I prioritise fruit and veg over starch. I make sure I have some protein, vegetables and fruit - then, if there's a gap. I fill it with a suitable starch like buttered toast or bread and butter - but I don't eat starch-based meals like pasta or rice or sandwiches.

My fruit and veg are mainly fresh, and I prepare them myself because they are cheaper that way, and I have the time to do it.

A recent day's menu: breakfast was fried sausage, (with an egg if desired) onion, mushroom, apple, with buttered toast, coffee with milk and sweeteners. Evening meal sautéed turkey breast with pineapple, garlic and ginger, broccoli and sweet potato. If time and hunger suggested it, I might have added a lunch of lettuce, grated carrot, raisins, vinaigrette, sprinkling of walnuts. I'd add some buttered bread to anything if I felt the need, with teas or coffees at intervals throughout the day.

I have the time to eat this way at the moment, when I don't, I fall into the same traps as anyone else - fast food and too little exercise.

PS: S days are different! I make pancake batter and eat pancakes over 1 or 2 days, mostly with sugar and lemon juice, chocolates and even sweets (candy) may feature, but I do try to keep to the basic meal structure of an N day - still aiming for my 5-a-day. I tend to feel better if I do that. A biscuit(cookie) binge can leave me feeling quite peculiar as well as disappointed with myself for eating so much tasty, processed garbage.

3:15pm. So, what about tomorrow? I don't think, just now, that I can bear NOT to fast tomorrow - I miss it now, find myself longing for it. I am also thinking, I feel quite clear in my thoughts and feelings, that I will eat moderately after the fast, that I know why I will be fasting, and won't use pre or post fast eating to undermine the effects of the fast. That's what I think right now, at any rate. Tomorrow is another day.

There is another side to it though - if I am lighter on Monday than a week before, if a week not fasting leaves me lighter and slimmer than the previous week when I did 2 fasts, should I not avoid fasting? The game is always calories in vs calories out, plus my overall state of well-being - I can still get lighter and slimmer, even without fasting, depending on how active I am.

[milliem]

Yum those meals sound delicious! I'm terrible at getting in 5-a-day, particularly vegetables. I'm a bit of a starch fiend....

[Graham]

11st 7lb, 39 3/4", BMI 24.9, WHtR 58.9%, Body Fat 33.1%

Decision? I'm still conflicted. I don't actually want to fast just now - I feel hungry. Also a little frustrated with my digital scale - despite a new battery it is refusing to show fractions of a lb. I tried holding a 1/4lb weight and re-weighed myself - same figure. I think I will not fast.

@Milliem - hi.

8:40am: I am Fasting after all. With qualms, in inner confusion - as feelings about different aspects of my life intermingle. I consider again what bigger/smaller, greater/lesser, losing and gaining all mean to me, in both obvious and less obvious ways.

I heard an astute remark about the whole terminology issue - "Don't lose weight - release it!" (Bob Proctor) I have reservations about some of the pseudo-science he uses to support his ideas, but he says much that is wise and useful. Part of what I struggle with in his ideas is my ambivalence about capitalism and what it's enabling us to do to this planet - even if it does spin off the occasional charmer like the Internet.

All the law of attraction stuff emphasising abundance - accelerating consumption - sooner or later, humanity has to recognise its collective effect on its environment, and develop collective responses. Blinkered individualism is inadequate to manage a planet. And yet, there may be harmless ways to prosper, which we won't find if we don't go out and look for them.

8:17pm Just had a "just big enough" fast-ending meal: 2 small lamb chops, garlic, onion, mushroom, capsicum, broccoli, sweet potato, with a buttered pita. I would have liked a bit more - a third chop would've been nice - and now, well, I could really enjoy a dessert - but I won't have one, I'll have coffee, and wait for the yearning to pass. It was an OK fast, it felt like time spent well enough.

[Graham]

11st 6 3/4lb, 39 7/8", BMI 24.9, WHtR 59.1, Body Fat 33.5%

Went to bed early, woke way too early (This message board shows it as 1 hour earlier though - must be showing GMT all year round, it's summer time here, an hour later). I would have slept longer if I hadn't had the second cup of coffee. That helped me not to think about more food last night, but now I'm up early, I'll feel tired later and eat to energise myself.

So, the fast went OK but the large meal and extra fluid intake over the day curtailed my night's sleep as it usually seems to do. I got some aerobic activity, also isotonic and isometric exercise. I feel like I'm at the foot of the slope, starting the climb yet again. Climbing is slow, falling is much faster.

I am increasingly aware of why I don't want to lose weight. If I get slimmer, as a slightly built man, I feel I'll be more likely to get shoved around. Being fatter isn't as impressive as being muscular, but it still makes one feel or look more substantial. A slimmer, trimmer body might also be described as dainty - having both feminine and child-like aspects which discomfort me. It seems too as though I'm clinging to youth, denying my years - devaluing my age. Clinging to youth may be an infantile aspiration - trying to conceal the passage of time, if that's what I'm doing, would be a denial, a rejection of a truth, an inability to accept an aspect of myself.

And now, why I DO want to be slimmer - to enjoy moving my body, to enjoy my moving body. I have never liked bending or stooping - but I've had an inflated belly most of my life. I strongly believe, if I can get that weight off, that I will be more supple, more at home in my own skin, that I will dance better, and, contrary to what I wrote above, having a chest measurement bigger than my waist will make me look and feel more manly, not less - and therefore proud of myself in a way I've rarely felt.

If I act like I'm ashamed of my age, as though it were a secret to be concealed, I would be "a house divided against itself" which "cannot stand". To deny my truth, even unpalatable truth, is to weaken myself. Rather I must seek for the best expression of my potential now, asserting age's value. To do otherwise would be a betrayal of myself, and of those who have age to come, by sending a message of fear.

11am 4 of my 5-a-day at breakfast - 2 fried sausages, egg, onion, mushrooms, apple, capsicum - plus buttered toast with marmalade. Lovely. Still a bit peckish though...

[tobiasmom]

Thanks for posting your menu. It gives me some ideas to get those in. I am a stay-at-home mom...so I DO have the time also. I just don't do it. I put some fruit with my yogurt this morning. Getting veggies in the morning is a problem for me, though......

[Graham]

11st 6*lb, 40", BMI 24.7, WHtR 59.3%, Body Fat 34% *no fractions..#

Choir then pub then late soup, cheese and bread and here I am, at my tubbiest for a while. I hope it is transitory. It was a pleasant social gathering, worthwhile. Food supplements - most I use seem to agree with me, I'm pretty confident gram doses of vitamin C do me good, I think all the others do as well, though it's more theoretical: a multi vitamin/mineral, B complex, vitamin D, Magnesium, Krill Oil, Lysine, Ginseng, Maca. I take the Maca dissolved in milk, which may not be the best way to digest it.

This coming Saturday will be the challenge of the year: the choir will sing its whole repertoire, and I am one of about 6 solo performers. I have a final solo rehearsal on Friday morning. Fingers crossed.

Can't get No S right at the moment. Breakfast ok, but then 2 biscuits with tea at dance class then home to my evening meal - and it was on 1 plate and one bowl. Lettuce and sweet pepper, followed by fish fingers, peas and fried potatoes.

[Graham]

11st 4 3/4lb, 39 5/8", BMI 24.5, WHtR 58.7%, Body Fat 33.4%

[Graham]

11st 6 3/4lb, 40", BMI 24.9, WHtR 59.3%, Body Fat 33.8% #

Off the rails No S wise again. Breakfast was sound, but I had a song to rehearse, didn't fit in lunch, then went to the allotment. Demanding physical work, biscuits with tea, later a light meal pre-tango, and more after. It was light stuff like soup - but with buttered bread.

I ate too many biscuits, thinking the work I was doing would make it ok - I felt odd after eating them, not good, not satisfied - I'd just failed to fix myself a proper meal for lunch and I had to rehearse my music - and eating late, tired, needy - such a messy day, and I'm not fasting today either. I was eating with SO, low protein, and I thought I didn't need to be so strict - yet it seems, truly, I do.

And I "forgot" I "finished off" a tub of cream - "so it wouldn't go off". Looks like self-deception now, at the time I was behaving somewhat like an addict - sort of not noticing what I was doing. This is what happens when you start to oppose the mindless tendency to get fatter and heavier - it turns out not to be quite so "accidental" - more like a stealthy plot.

[Graham]

11st 8 1/2lb, 40 1/8", BMI 25.1, WHtR 59.4%, Body Fat 33.7%

And a sore throat! feels like a cold trying to start. But I must sing tonight! I'll take vitamin C all day, I'm may investigate glycerine with honey and lemon. This is the big one - not just choral singing but my first solo too. I get the impression that I'm far more cold-prone than I was, say, 5 years ago. I thought older people's immune systems, having met most cold viruses already, were virtually cold-proof. Another mistaken assumption, it seems.

I have no idea why I'm heavier and fatter today - unless vitamin C causes me to carry more water? I didn't fast, but my eating showed no excess. Woe! Fie!
Colds blighted last winter, are they now to blight my summers too?

I am solidly back in the "seriously increased risk" category by waist measurement according to WHO, NHANES, Willoughby obesity indec. When today is over, I'll be choir (& pub) free for a few months, perhaps I will have a better chance to focus on weight and health.

[Graham]

11st 8 1/4lb, 40 5/16", BMI 25.1, WHtR 59.7%, Body Fat 34.3% - after a cup of coffee..

So, the picture s maybe slightly worse than the truth - but not by much. Waist wise I'm now so close to being right back where I started over a year ago. I am interested in how that happened but today I don't much mind about it.

Last night's choir performance went pretty well. With a combination of vitamin C, ginger, lemon and honey tea and finally 3 aspirin, I got through the performance and my solo ("Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables). Some people were very nice afterwards, saying they had enjoyed my song, had been moved by it. I later heard it played back off my little Sony Mp3 recorder - and it really was the best I'd sung it. I am pleased.

I am deeply affected by being part of a choir, I sense I'm learning about more than music, something deeper - tribal. I wonder still, how life would have gone if dad could have been a good sport about me being in that church choir all those years ago. I had so much to gain that lay unsuspected till now. I find myself, now, standing in the sunshine, but why did I have to wait so long?

[TexArk]

I am so glad that your sore throat issues didn't derail your performance. I was eagerly waiting to read your report. A beautiful voice is a gift.

I grew up in a musical family (father was a band director) and my daughter was a music major in university. There is reward in enjoying music individually, but it is the "tribe" as you say that is really special. It bonds for a lifetime. My dad just had his 95th birthday and had moving letters and cards from former students going back 60 years!

You are working hard on your health and I know that it would be nice to just let it go. So hard to find that right balance, isn't it?

[Joyofsix]

Congratulations on your solo. A 'tribe' is important. We all must belong somewhere.

[Graham]

11st 7 3/4lb, 39 7/8", BMI 25, WHtR 59.1%, Body Fat 33.3% Fasting

@ TexArk & Joyofsix thanks for your interest and good wishes. I'm feeling a little strange now that challenging performance is behind me, but I am freer now to address my weight/waist and general health issues.

2:08pm Unpleasant fast today. Low mood, headache. Active anyway, but with little enjoyment.

10:12pm. Big meal: diced turkey with garlic and ginger, onion, mushroom, pineapple, capsicum, broccoli, sweet potato. Plus some buttered pita bread. I had no space for the sweetcorn, avocado and leaf beet also at my disposal.

Soon I'll sleep, with hope for good news tomorrow morning.

[Graham]

11st 7lb, 40 1/8", BMI 24.9, WHtR 59.4%, Body Fat 34.1%

5am: Up too early, but I can't sleep more just now. Big post-fast meal is part of the reason for that. Solutions? Eat a bit earlier? Or less? It was theoretically No S compliant - one large, heaped plate. It had 6 of my 5-a-day portions! Processing that big meal could, in some bodies, ensure sleep - but either that meal, or any or all of the food supplements I take with it (includes some that might be stimulating, ginseng for example) cause me to wake early - (and head for the bathroom)

[Graham]

11st 6lb, 40 1/16",BMI 24.7, WHtR 59.4%, Body Fat 34.2%

My electronic scales continue to under-perform. They do have a 3 year guarantee, I even kept the receipt - I could, perhaps, exchange them? What else is a 3 year guarantee for? Anyway. I think they are accurate to the nearest lb, usually but I'm not certain.

10:15pm I am all at sea. First, a meal that seemed too big, yet, now, barely an hour later, I'm preoccupied with thoughts of a tasty dessert! I find it hard to resist, it would be so easy to give in - imagine cream cheese with strawberry jam - yet, if I can say no, I'll have a green day, and they are infrequent these days. I haven't used many calories today, but I only had 2 meals - and No snacks! (they ran out of biscuits to have with tea at dance class, it was an accident that I'm green today.)

Chest congestion mysteriously coming and going today. I decided that I must have ginger tea again - with lemon and honey. I have had that, but it hasn't made me congestion free. I'm reacting to something - but what? Dust? Food? Supper was sound enough - turkey with onion and redcurrant jelly, sweet potato, broccoli and sweetcorn. A bit less fatty, and no buttered bread.

[Graham]

11st 7lb*, 40 7/16", BMI 24.9, WHtR 59.9%, Body Fat 34.9% *no fractions

Waist isn't looking good. Short sleep doesn't help, I know, but I have no control over it. I do try to be sensible, I don't know what interrupts a longer sleep. I don't have caffeine after 6pm - maybe I could avoid late eating too. It just seems to turn out that evening meals happen around 9, and they can be on the large side if I didn't eat well earlier in the day. Of course, breakfast may be small because of the previous evening's late, large, meal...

6:34pm Did I ever mention my salad mod? I have lettuce and whatever else in a big bowl because it's so bulky and I need space to toss it in the vinaigrette - but like today, when I'm having ham in pita bread to go with it, I don't actually put the pita bread in the bowl. It would fit, but it would be horrid, so I don't. So it's not exactly a one-plate meal. I aim to get 5-a-day veg/fruit. Salads, especially with my home-grown window-box lettuce, taste great and lift my spirits.

The potato problem: I grow them and feel obliged to eat them - but they displace other vegetables. More than once I've missed my 5-a-day simply because potatoes squeezed out other plant foods - and they themselves don't count towards my plant portion total. They do grow easily, and can be stored for long periods in a suitable environment.

[Joyofsix]

I have had the same salad issue. It has been so warm I've eating lots of salad but I don't particularly want to put my roll or crackers in the bowl.

[Graham]

11st 8 1/4lb, 40 3/16",. BMI 25.1, WHtR 59.5%, Body Fat 33.9% Fasting

Last night at SO's I ate post-tango class meal - a plate too small to fill me in one go, and a jar of spiced nibbles on the table. It was one-platable, though not on one plate - it felt like eating them was part of my meal, yet it wasn't defined - which is more like snacking. Oh I'm confused. If the nibbles hadn't been on the table before me, I would have had to go looking for something, I might not have bothered - no clarity.

Fasting has clarity, and simplicity, part of what I like about it.

[Graham]

11st 7 1/2lb, 40 1/8", BMI 25, WHtR 59.4%, Body Fat 34%

A much easier fast. A new element - ginger tea. During the fast I made a pot of ginger and lemon tea, sweetened with stevia. I know it would contain some calories, I'll see if I can find out how many, but do they explain a much greater sense of comfort and tolerance for physical effort and hunger? I wasn't even sure I wanted to eat when the fast ended, I was also thinking why not just go to sleep and eat in the morning? In the end I ate a typical fast-ender, and, awake after midnight, started some S-day snacking - cream cheese with elderberry jam.

[Graham]

11st 7lb*, 40 1/16", BMI 24.9, WHtR 59.4%, Body Fat 33.9%

Scale leapt about before settling at this value - using this as a guide is feeding greater uncertainty than the body, and that is a source of it's own variations.

Looking over the past few weeks, round and round I go. Hmm.

Tired, nothing lifts me like salad, I had no ginger tea today. I hope to have energy during my fast tomorrow.