Habits

[sanity]

I couldn't find anywhere else to put this, because it really relates to all systems. This is a confession of my own laziness and failures, and speculation about how to solve these problems.

First, the simpler generalizations:

I don't often finish things. I have an idea in my head for a program I want to write, but I haven't even started. I've tried some very specific diets and some very general ones -- drink lots of water, only eat until you're half-satiated -- and I've tried three meals with one physical tray (think cafeteria), and I've tried simply telling myself to eat less.

I've also tried exercise. I think I should mention at this point -- I'm at least 250 lbs. The closest I came to a good exercise program was Dance Dance Revolution on Endless mode, doing situps, pushups, and crunches during the "breaks" -- a good solid 2 or 3 hours of exercise, but not maintainable, not because of the blisters and the soreness, but because a habit of an almost subconscious "exercise==pain" keeps me from getting started.

I did Urban Ranger a bit for awhile. I'm in a small town, and I was on a small campus, and everything was easily within walking range, but it was the same problem -- the memory of effort caused me to almost subconsciously and habitually avoid it after awhile. Generally, I'm fine till I get a car or any sort of alternative to walking, but from the first offered car ride, I'm lost. What's more, there are practical problems to walking -- I know (roughly) how long it will take me to drive somewhere, and leaving early can account for being a bit lost sometimes. But, I never know exactly how long it will take me to walk somewhere.

I've been to the Shovelglove page several times, largely because it was so simple and made so much sense. Urban Ranger immediately appealed to me, and I was already doing it on and off anyway.

But while these systems seem well thought out, I don't think I can make any of them work, simply because even if I can follow them all strictly for a few days, I doubt I can follow even one strictly for more than a few weeks or months.

The problem is, I'm incredibly bad at creating good habits to replace bad habits, and I'm incredibly good at coming up with new bad habits to replace the old ones.

So, for instance, if I were to become a Weekend Luddite, I'd read books instead. I don't know if that's a real improvement. During the week, I tend to not get things done because I'll do something else to avoid it. So, for instance, if I don't play videogames, I'll watch anime. If there's no new anime available at the moment, I'll read Slashdot. If I force myself to cut all Internet access (sort of), I'll read a book -- and I do prefer ebooks, oddly enough. And all of this sprinkled with a bit of IM and email.

Even if I am doing something productive, odds are it's not what I'm supposed to be doing. For instance, look at my homepage. That, and my resume, is most of what I was doing when I should have been calling people, making connections, and attempting to get a job. I fooled myself and others by claiming I was working on a resume, I just chose to put the resume in XHTML form and set up a webserver to serve it as part of the process.

And, of course, the web site/server is not finished. Just about everyone who isn't using Firefox will see a gigantic red warning at the top of the page. I haven't touched it in at least a week, because I've been busy doing other things, like reading books, actually going to a job interview, and writing this post.

I think I've diagnosed my problem pretty thoroughly -- I live mostly by habit, and I spend most of my life falling through a series of default actions: game, anime, read, tv, rent a movie, read Slashdot, in no particular order.

I think I'll pick up Urban Ranger, and I may make a Shovelglove to balance out my DDR (and to fall back on when I'm lazy), and I may even try No-S. But, none of this matters unless I can work out the essential problem of getting myself to do some activity, not just once, but every day for the rest of my life.

I guess what I'm looking for is a Meta Everyday System -- a simple system to follow to get myself to follow systems. A crutch to get myself into the habit of forming habits.

It's also possible that I'm only writing this as an excuse to rant, or to get myself some support to feel better. But I think I owe it to myself to at least make an attempt to stop thinking that way, even subconsciously.

Sorry I wrote such a long post... It does kind of prove my point, though. I didn't want to take the time to make it shorter

[gratefuldeb67]

Hey there Sanity!
Give yourself a break!!!!!!

Sounds like you get bored with routine...
Here's my suggestion to you....
Have a rotating system of systems...
Not too many... Not too overly ambitious...
Keep rotating them, so long as at least one system is in full swing and you aren't totally going into full apathy mode

Then, since you are a little like me in that you only seem to acchieve 80 percent success, let that be what you shoot for...
You sound like you are very much geared towards being a perfectionist and then you get dissappointed and then the whole thing becomes one giant vicious cycle...
Sort of depressing if you ask me!
I know that feeling too welll...
Anyway... Start a system of not beating yourself up and congratulate yourself for the things you do that you are doing well...
It doesn't have to be all or nothing!

I have a tendency to go all out and then something causes me to get derailed onto another train track... But as long as you aren't continuing to gain weight, why not try NoS and just use it as best you can... This may only translate into slow loss, as I had, but you probably will 1) not gain 2) most likely will lose too, even if not done perfectly...

The fact that you wrote a long post indicates that you have lots on your mind now, not because you are too disorganized to write a perfect and concise post... Cut out the self destructive talk..
I am going to give you a new assignment..
A new system...
In fact I think I'm going to post and trademark it! LOL...
When you hear yourself knocking your own efforts internally,
tell that mean sad bummed out bully voice, "It's okay.... You are trying your best right now... Keep trying! You are doing your best..."

Accept yourself with loving kindness and you will find that even your smallest acchievements will mean much much more to you when you applaud them rather than berate them... Self esteem and self respect take time to cultivate, but only you can do that!

Good luck with the whole shebang!
I started NoS around 230 lbs... I'm now around 207.. Down 5 inches from when I started, since I combined NoS and Yoga and also some SG...
Believe me.. I sometimes feel I could be doing better too, but I really try to keep sight of the good things!

Peace and Love,
Deb

[sanity]

No, it's not so much that routine is boring, but that I can't stick to one.

You're right that I should be focusing on more positive things, but the fact is, I'm not doing my best. 80% would be great, I'm lucky to be 20% as effective as I could be, overall.

Writing long posts is typical for me, unless I work very hard to make them shorter. You should see what happens to me on Slashdot...

But, you did remind me of something. I think I was approaching this from the wrong end -- I know what I'm doing wrong, and I remind myself of it, and get depressed -- and then keep doing the same things wrong. It would be bad to ignore failures, but just as bad to focus on them.

From the beginning, I knew what I had to do -- eat less, exercise more, be productive instead of wasting time -- but even if I were to plan it all out perfectly, I was also thinking "You've tried this before, and it failed, and you'll fail again this time." I was setting myself up for failure.

Now to test -- can a focus on success really bring success for long enough to create habit?

Thanks for the support.

I've already failed today, but not horribly. I ate breakfast at noon, one bowl of cold cereal, and I already went back for a Snack...

And I finally remember the vague wisdom that would've helped here:

"What you put your attention on grows in your life."

[reinhard]

Hi Sanity,

This is a great thread you've started -- more suited for "everyday systems general discussion" than "off topic" because it's deeply, deeply on topic. Not being able to intentionally build good habits is *the* biggest problem for most people here.

There are a few steps to getting past this, I think:

1) Realize that this is the case (sounds like you've got this down). It does not actually take much work on a daily basis to solve most of the problems you list. It takes persistence. You can get fit in minutes a day. You can get slim by shaving off just a small fraction of the calories you're consuming. You just actually have to spend those few minutes consistently, every day, and shave those calories, consistently, every day. You don't have a prayer of achieving this if you have to reason yourself into it every day. You need to build habits, automatic or at least largely automatic behaviors. As you point out, most of us aren't very good at this, but nonetheless, it's what needs to be done.

2) Identify and isolate a single bad habit to target first. You can't fix everything at once. And yes, knocking out a bad habit sometimes creates opportunities for new ones, it's kind of like the side effects of technological advance, but generally speaking, you'll be better off than before. And as you get stronger in habit, their turn will come.

3) Define the new habit in such a way that it takes the difficulties of habit formation into account. The habit should be clear in its behavioral demands, minimally obtrusive in terms of time and effort, and require the least amount of change for the desired effect.

4) Take the habit very seriously, because it's bigger than just that one habit. If you get it down, you've also chipped away at your core problem, the next habit will be easier. Accountability, or even just the illusion of accountability, is very helpful in this regard. You don't have to make grand, public resolutions (these tend to be counterproductive because the dramatic thrill of such gestures is like an advance reward that makes actually earning it seem superfluous). Just write "shovelglove" (or whatever) on a post-it every week day morning, smack it on your fridge, and crumple it up when you've done it. Or speak it into a tape recorder. Or slash days off a calendar. Or keep a daily check-in on this site.

Accountabilty to a tape recorder or a post-it note? Try it. I think you'll be surprised.

5) Measure your success with the metric most directly under your control: days on habit. You may not lose a pound every day you are "good," but you'll become more good at being good, and ultimately, that is the only thing that is going to get and keep those pounds off -- along with all those other bad habits. Once you've made it past the first day or week, 21 days is a good initial goal: attainable, numeralogically satisfying, and about how long it takes to build a solid foundation for your habit.

If all this sounds more like old fashioned "virtue" talk than modern "technique," that's because it is: virtue is a more effective paradigm for motivating human beings than technique. Sure everyday systems are techniques, but they're techniques for virtue, not techniques around it.

Hope this or something else helps!

Keep us posted,

Reinhard

P.S. I too had an valid xhtml (strict!) resume, for exactly the same reasons.

P.P.S. Procrastination is the bad habit I'm most actively targeting right now. Besides weekend luddite, I've got a bunch of embrionic systems in the works, and they actually seem to be helping some. I'll post details as soon as my anti-procrastination systems allow me to

[sanity]

Point by point, as best I can:

1) But, I need to reason myself into it every day in order to build the automatic habit. How to work around this?

Here's a thought -- leverage the habits I already have. For instance, I've been checking my email far too often lately, and I can easily set a cron job to email me every day with (say) Shovelglove. I get to delete that message when I actually do it.

Another one would be my compulsion to check Slashdot. I could set up a proxy and have Slashdot be a nag screen, which I may only click through once I've done whatever it is I need to do.

These are effectively my version of the post-it note. I'm not sure which I'm going to do, just brainstorming at this point. It may be enough simply to get the "Topic Reply Notification" via email...


2) I don't have many bad habits. I mostly have a lack of good ones. My bad ones just tend to fill up the time I give them.

So, No-S targets a bad habit, but my bigger problems are not what I'm doing (eating), but what I'm not doing (cold-calling local businesses).


3) Hmm. So, if it's a matter of going to work... Hmm...


4) Well, the daily check-in is essentially that kind of public resolution. On the other hand, it's also daily. I have twenty more days to get that dramatic thrill, according to (5).


"virtue" vs "technique"? Wha? No, I had no such preconceptions.


I'm thinking of a system for procrastination, but it's a bit self-contradictory at the moment. I'm ordinarily not afraid to share a work in progress, and I'm sure this looks like procrastination, but the system doesn't even make sense yet, and besides, it's "on topic", right?


Anyway, thanks for the support/advice, I will be checking in.

[reinhard]

Sanity,

I'm a computer programmer, so the temptation to digitize everything was strong with me. But I've found that I just don't take digital reminders and warnings as seriously as I do physical, written ones. There's a satisfaction in tearing up and throwing out a physical post-it when you've accomplished what's written on it and a shame when you haven't that (for me at least) is impossible to reproduce on a computer. Also, with the computer, there's the temptation to escalate the futzing until you spend more time cogitating about the problem than solving it (case it point: the xml resume).

I don't think lack of good habits makes you a tabula rasa... I think you're bound to have bad habits there instead. There's always a default behavior of some sort, unless you're some kind of vulcan who spends an hour trying to decide what the most logical thing to eat for breakfast is.

Sorry about the "virtue" stuff. Was overtired and had just come from a book club discussing the moral philosophy of Xenophon. I think there's something there and when I have time I'll take a shot at making it more comprehensible.

Please do post your systems! Rough and untested is fine. It's not like this forum is overflowing with systems yet.

Looking foward to hearing more from you,

Reinhard

[sanity]

It's not so much rough and untested, it's difficult to verballize.

Here's why I think the computer can work: I, at least, am glued to it most of the day, so I can't ignore it. A post-it note on the fridge just isn't going to do much, unless it's about No-S. A post-it on the computer will only work once, because I'll move it off the screen to do whatever it is I'm doing, and then I'll forget about it.

Also, no matter what it is, I'm going to have to first build the habit of checking it every day.

As for taking time creating it, I did eventually finish the resume, I have only to get rid of the gigantic don't-use-IE warning and replace it with something a little more friendly. Also, I tend to take it a little more seriously if I had to put effort into creating it myself, if I do have to do that.

The biggest problem with something like the xml resume is not usually time put into it, although I did list that. It's usually time NOT put into it.

The big technical question now is, can I make this work with Sunbird, or will I have to invent something new?

A somewhat smaller technical question is, how long will it take my spamfilter to learn that Topic Reply Notifications are not spam?