Another perspective: Keeping yourself a priority
Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2020 6:15 am
For years I have continued to struggle with NoS. I might have a reasonable breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't even feel deprived, and I might even be stuffed after dinner. I think "nice, great job, you stopped, and that was easy even". You know, things are going as planned.
Now, there is a table full of dishes and a dirty kitchen, Despite being tired, the mess compels me to act. Then, I start thinking with a completely different value system and perspective on life, and I feel like a different person. This person is excitable, easily distracted, and maybe anxious, but certainly neurotic. Oh, I'll just have one scoop of ice cream before I really start cleaning up. It's vegan and probably less bad than real ice cream, (emphasis on probably). Oh, this isn't enough for lunch tomorrow, and won't go with any other leftovers anyway, so I'll just eat it. Oh, what a shame to compost this food, I'll just eat it, we paid for it right? Oh, the kids didn't finish their sandwich, and it's the last of the good bread, how can I throw that out? It's too good, I'll just eat it. Then, as soon as this came, I'm back to being myself, the only difference is that now I'm worse off than I was before. Had I been able to overcome this voice, I would have come out better.
It's as if I have these alternating ideals, at first coming from my own real need, something that I know will pay off for me in the long run, (eating less than I do now), and a whole bunch of random external ideals triggering after dinner that justify bad habits. They evidently are not doing me any favors and are actively harming me in the long term. These are "good foods vs bad foods", (a pint of vegan ice cream is far worse than none at all, so that was a total nonsense justification), something about foods needing to "go" together (who the heck made up that rule and why do I follow it?), or not "wasting money" (it's a sunk cost, Mr. Critical Thinker), or not wasting a well made food, (I know darn well that eating food when I'm not hungry regardless of how the heck it was made doesn't prevent it from being wasted). I'm justifying my bad habits, and poorly even, (but that's not stopping me, apparently).
I know when I feel best, because I've been there, recently in fact. It's no secret. It's simply 25 pounds less than what I weigh now. Two years ago, my heartburn was gone, my blood pressure dropped to normal, and I'll bet that my glucose level was in check (I didn't have it measured unfortunately, but I do check my BP at home at least). What changed? I got there by doing a program that required me to constantly check in with my own hunger levels. It had dozens of simply put, but very conscious-laden rules. It worked at first, but after burning out on it, and putting up with the expense of a highly conscious, overly mindful, highly regimented and frequently inflexible eating habit, I returned myself those minor health problems in exchange for some conscious freedom. I've rebelled too much against this side of me and I'm paying the price for it now.
I want to be back in my healthy zone, this time using on NoS principles, where I don't rely on constant conscious effort and tiresome self check-ins, and instead my health is reinforced by autopilot and certainty. I read the other recent threads in this forum about how long it takes to get to autopilot, and there are some incredibly insightful responses that I have taken to heart. I will read and re-read them time and time again. However, I suspect there are others like me that find it incredibly hard to start for any significant length of time, or even day-to-day, before I can just stick with it for 21 days in the first place.
What can I do to keep my personal needs prioritized over these powerful, external ideals I've learned over the years that I use to sabotage my own goals, justifying bad habits under a pretense? Or, to paraphrase the words of Oohlala in the other thread, how can "hating the bingeing become more powerful than the indulgence"?
Best,
liveitup
Now, there is a table full of dishes and a dirty kitchen, Despite being tired, the mess compels me to act. Then, I start thinking with a completely different value system and perspective on life, and I feel like a different person. This person is excitable, easily distracted, and maybe anxious, but certainly neurotic. Oh, I'll just have one scoop of ice cream before I really start cleaning up. It's vegan and probably less bad than real ice cream, (emphasis on probably). Oh, this isn't enough for lunch tomorrow, and won't go with any other leftovers anyway, so I'll just eat it. Oh, what a shame to compost this food, I'll just eat it, we paid for it right? Oh, the kids didn't finish their sandwich, and it's the last of the good bread, how can I throw that out? It's too good, I'll just eat it. Then, as soon as this came, I'm back to being myself, the only difference is that now I'm worse off than I was before. Had I been able to overcome this voice, I would have come out better.
It's as if I have these alternating ideals, at first coming from my own real need, something that I know will pay off for me in the long run, (eating less than I do now), and a whole bunch of random external ideals triggering after dinner that justify bad habits. They evidently are not doing me any favors and are actively harming me in the long term. These are "good foods vs bad foods", (a pint of vegan ice cream is far worse than none at all, so that was a total nonsense justification), something about foods needing to "go" together (who the heck made up that rule and why do I follow it?), or not "wasting money" (it's a sunk cost, Mr. Critical Thinker), or not wasting a well made food, (I know darn well that eating food when I'm not hungry regardless of how the heck it was made doesn't prevent it from being wasted). I'm justifying my bad habits, and poorly even, (but that's not stopping me, apparently).
I know when I feel best, because I've been there, recently in fact. It's no secret. It's simply 25 pounds less than what I weigh now. Two years ago, my heartburn was gone, my blood pressure dropped to normal, and I'll bet that my glucose level was in check (I didn't have it measured unfortunately, but I do check my BP at home at least). What changed? I got there by doing a program that required me to constantly check in with my own hunger levels. It had dozens of simply put, but very conscious-laden rules. It worked at first, but after burning out on it, and putting up with the expense of a highly conscious, overly mindful, highly regimented and frequently inflexible eating habit, I returned myself those minor health problems in exchange for some conscious freedom. I've rebelled too much against this side of me and I'm paying the price for it now.
I want to be back in my healthy zone, this time using on NoS principles, where I don't rely on constant conscious effort and tiresome self check-ins, and instead my health is reinforced by autopilot and certainty. I read the other recent threads in this forum about how long it takes to get to autopilot, and there are some incredibly insightful responses that I have taken to heart. I will read and re-read them time and time again. However, I suspect there are others like me that find it incredibly hard to start for any significant length of time, or even day-to-day, before I can just stick with it for 21 days in the first place.
What can I do to keep my personal needs prioritized over these powerful, external ideals I've learned over the years that I use to sabotage my own goals, justifying bad habits under a pretense? Or, to paraphrase the words of Oohlala in the other thread, how can "hating the bingeing become more powerful than the indulgence"?
Best,
liveitup