Re: The issue of Private Messaging

[BrightAngel]

Recently the issue of Private Messaging came to my attention,
and I thought it might be helpful to have a Thread
which encourages all of us to freely express our opinions about that topic.

I like the open forum here where each of us can chime in and make our opinions known to everyone,
and I also see a benefit in the ability to speak privately to another forum member.

There could be many positive and beneficial reasons for Private Messaging.
Sometimes one might want to discuss a very personal issue with a sympathic ear.
Sometimes one might wish to privately praise or privately offer support to another.
Sometimes one might wish to engage in a one-on-one discussion of an issue with a specific individual.
I know that several months ago, KCCC and I chose to private message each other in depth
re our individual positions on calorie counting.,
I think that both of us found these private exchanges helped us to understand each other's opposing points of view,
and in the process, I grew quite fond of her.

Since Reinhard is the creator and Moderator of the entire Forum,
if any member has a problem or question about the contents of any specific Forum Thread,
sending him a Private Message seems appropriate,
then as Moderator, any decision on if or how to follow up that problem or question would be totally his call.
I believe that this is also what Moderators usually do it in other Forums.

What about the rest of you?
Do you have any thoughts or feelings on this issue you'd like to express?

[blueskighs]

There could be many positive and beneficial reasons for Private Messaging.
Sometimes one might want to discuss a very personal issue with a sympathic ear.
Sometimes one might wish to privately praise or privately offer support to another.
Sometimes one might wish to engage in a one-on-one discussion of an issue with a specific individual.

I also think the use of private messaging in these contexts is very helpful.

I do take issue with the way private issuing was handled in its most recent context. When I had a problem with the posts an individual member was posting on one of my threads when I first joined the forum, I let that individual know from myself first, publicly and openly on the boards. THEN when I could not get any reasonable response I bumped the issue up to Reinhard. However, in a gathering of equals, I just feel like it is useful for people to give other people the respect and opportunity to respond directly to their concerns and then if the response does not feel resolved ask for an objective response from Reinhard. I really see it as an opportunity for people to take on the responsibility of managing their own communications.

Otherwise, it does seem a bit too like "high school" and I am simply not inclined to particpate.

Blueskighs

[Mavilu]

Do you have any thoughts or feelings on this issue you'd like to express?

No, not really.
I've been a member of other forums for years now, so I'm not exactly new at PMing (Private Messaging), but I do appreciate you telling how it works for those that might be a bit confused about how private messaging works.

[ThomsonsPier]

I don't see the usage of PMs as an "issue" at all. They're there to enable communication between people privately, hence the name; they're simply analogous to a quiet conversation as opposed to a declaration of opinion to the room.

It's up to the user to determine the best way to express their thoughts and common sense should, largely, dictate that. This is the least inflammatory forum I have ever seen; I rarely post because everyone agrees so much and I can't really add anything of use.

[Nay]

I participate on a couple of other message boards that have IM enabled, but I have used it in only a few cases when the poster REALLY could have used my help, but I did not want to post the very personal stuff so everyone could read it. IMing was perfect.

BUT along with IM, that board had an "ignore" feature that allowed anyone to block any posts or IMs from any other member. Obviously, this was installed so there would be no harassing or bullying of individual members. This board is, by far, the most civil and kindly board I am on, and I don't stay on sites that become ugly. Even so, I would recommend a blocking feature if IM is installed here, only because I know that trolls can come along at any time and really stir up the sh*t, so to speak.

[BeingGreen]

The PM issue is a problem if some members on the boards feel that they can't be honest and open because they are worried that someone might "go behind their backs" with PMs to Reinhard (as moderator).

So far I have not had this problem directly. I have felt that this is a very welcoming, fair, and accepting community where people express differing opinions freely.

But at the same time, our discussions have the potential to be very personal and deeply felt because NoS is life-altering for many of us. When high emotions are at stake it is very important that we feel safe to communicate here truthfully. For that reason, I'm not a big fan of PMs.

That's my two cents . . .

[connorcream]

I see both sides of the issue. I like Blues approach on working up the chain of command so to speak. I remember the poster who gave her trouble and the directness in which she responded in dealing with it. I stayed clear of that poster too as a result.

Then even within this context, I did send a PM because I did not want to unduly burden anyone with a preconceived response. I just wanted to express my affection in a free manner.

One another board, I did have to PM when a remark became rude. The moderators then can determine what to do. Reinhart is the moderator and does need to have the final say. I know I so enjoy his posts.

Trolls are a real problem. And having a way to deal with them quickly before a situation gets out of hand is vital. PM's have been used in these occasions in other boards.

BA, as always, great insights and succintly stated. You are one I always read, just like Blueskighs.

[kccc]

I think it's a very useful option, and can be used very wisely.

The discussion that BA and I took to PM had the potential to become acrimonious, especially if others had jumped in on our half-formed thoughts and ideas. I've seen message boards explode in similar circumstances, with everyone taking sides and some people holding on to grudges long after the principals had reconciled. Because we could talk privately, we were able to work through our differences and come to a better understanding of each others' positions. Our own perspectives haven't changed much (perhaps gained in clarity), but our appreciation for the each others' view grew a great deal, I think. (The thread on calorie-counting came out of that discussion. I still think it's a good one.)

As to the specific instance that prompted this thread, I'm of two minds. On the one hand, I can definitely see Blue's point that it's more respectful to speak directly to the person involved FIRST if you think they're out of line. I don't think the issue is PM so much as going to a third party - a private message TO the person involved would be a very good choice.

On the other hand, I deeply understand that some people don't feel comfortable doing that - perhaps it feels confrontational, or simply outside of their role. In that case, I can totally see where they might feel that the best choice would be to quietly alert the person who IS the official moderator.

Hard call. But I think private messaging is a good option to have on boards in general. There have been a few occasions when I wanted to give some quiet encouragement to someone going through a hard time similar to one I had experienced, and wanted to do so without sharing personal details to the world. PM offers a way to do that.

A tool. As with all tools, use with care.

[reinhard]

I don't actually think PMs in general are a problem. If there's a fight on the boards, it probably is a good idea to alert me before it escalates too far.

It was my B-52 strike style intervention in this case that was not so great.

But I promise I'll be more careful in the future.

Best to all,

Reinhard