Everyday Systems

Forgive me for the length of this post. I thought I'd lay out the whole dilemma in detail, but long-story-short: I'm NoSing, but my family is not. Plus, we don't keep the same schedules and want to eat at different times of the day, so the kitchen is open about 22 hours a day.

I accept TOTAL blame for creating a family of snackers, but I want to repair that. My oldest son is the only one I'm not targeting because he eats when he's hungry, moderates his portions quite naturally, and is slim. I'm not going to mess with his system since it works for him.

But the rest of the family is as much of a disaster as I have been up until recently. They are fat like me, and in the case of my husband, his out-of-control eating is impairing his diabetes management. My 13 year-old daughter and he graze continuously, and when I sit down to eat my plated meals, they want that too, though they have taken to asking that I serve these meals earlier than I want to eat them. Since I'm a night owl, I try to delay eating my last meal of the day until 7 PM. My husband, the only early bird in the family, is close to snoozing at this point of the day.

What a mess! I have this lovely vision of all of us compromising and eating a nice dinner together like a bunch of bon vivants. Then, there's the reality, which reminds me that I'm more than just a bit delusional about this fantasy of mine.

Has anyone here managed to succeed long enough to motivate other members of his or her family? I can see how having meals together as a family and not snacking could be quite pleasant for a family, but wonder how to make a transition like this happen. Not to mention that being around a family that is continuing to snack, while I am trying not to do that is like going to a bar as a new AA member. So, part of my motivation to change the food dynamic in my house is self-serving.

Any experiences to share?

First of all, how many men marry to have a second mother? It took me some time to figure that one out! I don't try to influence my husband's eating at all. He has the typical male competitiveness, and I figure that there is no way I'm losing weight without some company!

Once there's a "teen" in your child's age, your influence is more by modeling than by anthing else. Again, their choice to NoS will be dependent on your success more than anything else. I highly recommend the book "Teen Proofing" by John Rosemond.

What I have done is highlight the benefits of NoS that have to do with gratification on S Days (although we now have only one S Day -- Sunday, the day of rest and relaxation). Yesterday, we were at the grocery store and came away with coffee ice cream (my choice), fudge (my choice), Skittles (my son's choice), three doughuts (my husband's choice and two duaghter's choices), and caramel apple pops (my daughter's choice). My 10 year old is the most amusing in her approach to all of this. She calls my diet "The S Day Diet". She really likes S Days. When I hit 10% weight loss, we are all going to Cold Stone Creamery on a Sunday and everyone can get what they want.

The other thing I have done is tell the kids you are on the no-sweets-at-home-because-there-aren't-any diet. That's the start to this diet. It is one of the three Ss. They still have sweets at school but just not at home.

Kathleen

If you want to eat dinner together, it may require some compromise. Can you move back your dinner time to 6PM? That's about the time I eat and with a plate the includes protein I rarely have trouble making it to breakfast.

I'd move back the dinner time, too. You will not starve by moving it back an hour or two. Beyond that, I wouldn't say too much to the others. While you can have some influence on your 13 y/o, you can't do too much about your husband unless he's interested in making a change. Be the example and just let them see how it works. I wouldn't say much about it at all.

I wouldn't try to influence behavior directly, but I might make some kitchen modifications. (Spoken as The One in Charge of the Kitchen at my house.)

- If snacks commonly sit out in plain sight, I'd rearrange to find a cupboard for them. (With a bowl of fruit as a possible exception.) They can still get them, but YOU don't have to look at them all day. You can ask for that much support.

- If you normally make desserts on N days, stop. But keep them on S-days. (My family actually LIKES the No-S diet because I bake wonderful things on the weekend.)

- If you are the "buyer of snacks," you might choose things they like but you don't particularly. Or buy less. When you're out, you're out.

With that, I might comment that I like eating as a family (and do my best to make it a truly pleasant experience for everyone).

From there, I'd totally let it go for anyone who is a teenager or older. For smaller kids, perhaps start phasing out junky snacks - but take it slowly, like weaning a baby. Offer fruit or healthier choices, make the junk less frequent, etc. Eventually you can get to the mom-phrase of "it's almost dinnertime, don't spoil your appetite," but it's okay if it takes a good while.

Most of all, focus on what YOU'RE doing. You're the only one you can ever really control... and that's on a good day.

Best wishes.

Boa,

I'm afraid that you're unlikely to make any converts until they've seen you practice no-s happily and successfully for a good long time...

But my guess is you will then, at least partially.

What you can do to speed things along is, as KCCC suggests, to shop and prepare your (and anyone else's who wants to join you) meals (roughly) No-s style. If they want more, and at other times, they'll have to help themselves.

It sounds like they find your sit down meals appealing, so work with that. I would consider moving your dinner time up to accommodate the others a bit. Yeah, it's a concession, but worth what you get in return. As an additional lure, invest a little extra effort in making those meals extra tasty. Soon enough they'll start to see No-s as Kathleen's daughter does, as something quite positive, despite the "Nos."

Reinhard