Panick Attack

[gettheweightoff]

I feel really foolish writing this but I think I'm having a bit of a panick attack.

I just threw out a bunch of tight fitting clothes and it was very difficult for me. It was like letting go of the dream of being thin. I let go of the pressure, expectations, hope, regret, and sense of failure from all the diets I tried and I'm back to square one with my weight, if not more (I don't weigh myself).

I wonder if I am just going to maintain at the weight I am now which does not make me happy at all, but it is not going to be healthy or happy for me to go on yet another diet. I just can't do it. I'm mentally drained from it and I know the moment I diet is the moment I will binge and I just don't want to do it anymore. I can't go back to that.

Also, going 10 days without a binge is strange for me. As awful as it was/is - bingeing is like a friend/devil I know. Without binge eating I can't zone out with food when I'm stressed or anxious I have to just feel it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I just think that something has happened to me since doing No-S, a real shift that I have seen glimpses of in the past but not to this extent so much so that it makes me think for the first time I am actually healing from this horrible binge eating problem and diet mentality. I honestly thought before no-s I was losing my mind as I couldn't figure out why I binged but I knew it was because I was restricting food from dieting so much.

Anyways, No-S has really helped me and so have all of you here so thanks for reading and hopefully this feeling will pass.

I just want the weight to come off but at the same time I'm also feeling a sense of acceptance which just feels incredibly strange and scary to me.

[wosnes]

As far as the weight loss goes -- you just have to give it time. You're used to plans where you consistently lose 2 pounds (or more!) weekly and that just doesn't happen on No-S. And, as I recall, you don't have much to lose.

[gettheweightoff]

I suppose that's true. I just have to chill out. I still can't believe I'm doing this and not a crazy plan!

[Blithe Morning]

Some of what you say sounds an awful lot like things I've heard women leaving an abusive relationship say. Without minimizing that particular hell, I think going to a place in your head where you are telling yourself that you are entitled to respect (even... especially from yourself) is a hard paradigm shift irrespective of the context you are leaving. Up until now you've created internal and external feedback loops to make you feel "less than" unless you were at a certain weight. You are doing the slow, hard work of detaching your sense of dignity and value from your weight.

Well done on coming this far.

[gettheweightoff]

Interesting observation and I can see what you mean. It really was like an abusive relationship but with myself!

I am feeling better now and got through "feelings" without falling off the wagon which is really a wonderful thing for me.

Thanks for your support and encouragement. I definitely feel like I've turned a corner!

[Nicest of the Damned]

Without binge eating I can't zone out with food when I'm stressed or anxious I have to just feel it.

I have an anxiety disorder. Stress and anxiety are very familiar to me.

You know what one of the worst things about stress and anxiety is? It feeds on itself, in a self-perpetuating vicious cycle. You feel anxious, then you feel anxious about feeling anxious, then you feel anxious about feeling anxious about feeling anxious, and so on.

There are various therapies that you can try to break this cycle. But there are other distractions from it, too, that don't involve food. Even something like watching TV to distract yourself from anxiety is an improvement over binge eating, health-wise. The important thing isn't to find the theoretical optimal coping strategy (if there even is one, which I kind of doubt), the important thing is to find a better coping strategy than the one you've got now.

[gettheweightoff]

Thanks. I talked myself off the ledge. I went and did something else and something I've been doing a lot since starting no-s is telling myself to think about it later (particulalry when i find myself counting calories) which has really helped.

Feeling better today.

I never considered the anxiety feeds on itself but you are right it definitely does.

I'll have to be more aware of that.