Everyday Systems

I have an in law who told her grandaughters they were "fat." One such grandaughter was my daughter. Who, might need a jog now and then, but she is still within "average" range.

I might have taken this with less umberage (is that the correct usage?), except my in law makes Clydesdales shake with fear when they see her hoisting a saddle.

I respect to my wife I haven't broached the subject, but, with teens having bodyshape issues (I'd like to say nowdays, but it was the same in the 80's when I was a teen) I really can't have her talking like that to my kid.

Any suggestions?

Ask her politely to STOP! That is seriously what I would do. I do NOT like confrontation at ALL, but this would be important enough to me that I would HAVE to speak to her. I would try to do it with love and kindness explaining to her WHY you just can't do this! Good luck! My Mama claws came out when I read this.

I would tell your wife, and would decide if you, she, or both of you take it up with your in law. Sometimes it is easier for the child to speak to the parent than the child-in-law.

Also, if you haven't already done so, speak to your daughter and make sure she knows Grandma is wrong. Growing up that my grandmother had a few strange ideas and she sometimes made comments that were racist. My parents spoke to us about it and explained that while we loved Nanna, some of her views were ones we didn't respect or agree with. So, we generally gave her the respect due her age, but that didn't mean she couldn't be wrong.

I was not overweight as a teen but was made to feel so because my mom and older sister are very small people. My mom still weighs in the low 90s. She did not call me fat but would comment that it looked like I had lost weight (implying that I needed to). She does this to one of my daughters and a niece now. I have learned that mom means no harm and has no clue about the effect of her comments...even though I have tried to broach the subject with her. Therefore, I concentrate my efforts on my daughter and helping her learn to deal with the comments of others. BTW, she is muscular and athletic but not overweight.

I would first take your daughter aside and say that Grandma was completely out of line and had no business making those comments.

It's hard to address it after the fact, better to say call Grandma on it right then. If it happens again just say "No, she's not." in the most pleasant but direct voice you can. Smile but make eye contact. NO one messes with your daughter.

Tough one but I'm with Blithe Morning. If addressed in the situation there's not only the benefit to discuss things in a friendly manner as a family but also your daughter knows that you're sticking up for her.

My mum used to tell me that I'm too big since I was 6 years old (when I was at a very healthy weight range) and I believe that's the biggest reason I started a war with food. My granddad used to tell me that she was wrong in the aftermath but I always felt he only said that because he loved me so much that he couldn't see the reality so addressing it in the situation is risky but can get better results as well.

Well, lucky for me, I talked to my wife about it, she has said something to her mother. And, to top it off, her parents just moved out of state. It's not winning the lottery, but we take life's fortune when we can get it.

Oh good, I was gonna say have your wife take care of it if it's her side of the family. Some people are clueless, especially if they've never struggled with their weight. You should never tell a child they're fat! As an overweight child I remember every fat comment ever made to me, and all it did was make me cry, give me body image issues, and make me hungry. Looking back, I wasn't even that fat, I just wasn't as thin as my friends.

I willgruelw in my vote and have your wife deal with the in laws especially since we don't know the history. I think it's also good to tell her to disregard those comments. lastly, it's nice for a dad to compliment his daughter. I think it means more coming from a dad. I know every now and then my husband will tell my girls how nice they look before school, especially when it's obvious that they put some effort into it.

Snapdragon,
you are blessed with a thoughtful husband. So important for a father to compliment his daughter(s); well, all his children.
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Heddi