lbb's official daily check-in

[Amy3010]

Yes I think that's a good point about not making something completely a red if you nibbled while making dinner...IF it's not a constant habit and IF it doesn't usually send you into a tailspin!
Sometimes I eat a tomato before it's on my salad or things and don't think of it.
But I have to be careful because sometimes I get really "munchy" and it it just a downward spiral!
Know thyself!!

I second this! I was a bit worried after I wrote about this, because it's not really strict No-S, and definitely not "fence around the law", but like you say you have to know yourself and do what works best for you. I know for myself that having to mark a red for some veggies while cooking dinner is going to make the "all or nothing" thinking in my mind go crazy, and that the result will be worse in the end. I did see someone mentioned drinking tea while cooking (I think it was Oolahlah on another thread) and so I tried that yesterday while fixing dinner. It definitely helped - but I still had a few carrot pieces!

- and congrats on your success yesterday! I hope today goes well for you too!

[NoSnacker]

Sounds yummy!!!! How do you make pesto chicken? I would love to try that one.

[lbb (Liz)]

Hi cute friends!
Deb: I admit to being lazy and just smothering pesto to some chicken tenderloins and grilling them. Then I added feta, tomatoes, olives to make it super yum.

Amy: glad we kinda know ourselves enough to know the limits of the making dinner/nibbling kinda thing!

Thursday I had a fail.
But I'm not beating myself up about it. It could have been worse.

Break: oats
Lunch: salad, chicken, rice cakes, hummus
Dinner: tortilla, cheese, a little fiesta soup

Early in the day, my friend brought over oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Threw them in the freezer immediately.

Feeling kinda "bingey" already post-dinner because I was anxious about my friend's birthday crepe night.

We sat around a table (only 6 of us) after making/flipping crepes to then eat them. I couldn't just be like, "no". Well, I guess I could have, but didn't want to.
SUPER fun night. Enjoyed 2 small crepes with nutella, banana.

Then came home, opened the freezer and warmed up 3 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

Would love to say it felt horrible, and it should have, but it didn't. Tasted wonderful. Enjoyed.
Went to bed.

RED.
Marked, moved on. No beating up self.

[Sinnie]

So, you're human to, eh?

Thanks for the honesty. Makes me feel tons better, although sorry to hear about the failure. To look on the side of optimism, you could have turned that into a binge - 3 cookies, that ain't so bad!

Now, with a crepe party, I assume you can just take an S day, right? So really, is that a failure or S day?

Happy Friday

[lbb (Liz)]

I don't know, Sinnie.
I think had I left it at crepes, an S day, but the come home and eat cookies...red.
I'm not too worried about it.
I keep thinking of "big picture" and want to minimize my binges, make my habits BETTER (not perfect yet), and see an overall less USAGE of food to hide emotions.
An enjoyment of food, even sweets instead of drug usage of food.
No joke. That's how it's been in the past....
Thanks for the encouragement.
And oh yes I'm human. Reminded of that every second of the day!

[Sinnie]

Yes, big picture. Wise, wise words my friend.
If I could enjoy snacks or sweets without using them as a drug, I think I'd be very content. I always used to say to myself, all you have to do is NOT binge. That's the only thing that I really struggle with. I eat reasonably well until I'm satisfied. My downfall is the whole 'using food as a drug.' Some days I think, as long as i dont binge...but that always turns into a slippery slope that LEADS me to binge because snacking has that effect. Anyways, getting off topic here - enjoy the weekend!!!

[Amy3010]

Sorry you had a fail but I really admire the way you handled it!

It really is about the big picture and making good habits that will work for real life. And I feel so confident, despite the bumps here and there, that we are on the right path. Have a good weekend!

[NoSnacker]

I keep thinking of "big picture" and want to minimize my binges, make my habits BETTER (not perfect yet), and see an overall less USAGE of food to hide emotions.
An enjoyment of food, even sweets instead of drug usage of food.

You are doing fantastic...the whole thing is being realistic and moving past what we feel was off kilter.

I have been learning food just doesn't cut it anymore for me emotionally and doesn't fix a thing..I have been eating those words when I'm tempted to eat, especially when I'm not hungry.

Have a great Sunday...
deb

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks, Amy, Sinnie & Deb! You guys are all-star supporters and I appreciate it.
I am trying to do lots of writing (my form of expression) to help me figure out some food issues. I am using my blog for this, but in my check in I'll keep things more brief. As I'm known to write epistles in this here little check-in.

Short story: good Saturday. I'm starting to wonder if S days are for me. Because essentially, the main goal I want to achieve is to be able to have a couple squares of chocolate even every night. Or one cookie.
That has NEVER and I mean NEVER in my last little while been a reality.

So the way you train a dog, I think I will start training myself.
See, the S days allow me to still USE food and get the HIT in numbing affect. Eating large portions of chocolate. Not enjoying them fully.

But my goal, and scoff if you may, but I will try it out is this:
3 meals/day
No snacks (this isn't that big a problem for me)
1 treat/day

I'm so all or nothing with treats that this will actually be HARDER for me than just NOT having any treats. But I want to train my body that I CAN have a small portion of chocolate at night. Not an entire king-size bar (no joke about that).
I talked to my really thin friend who enjoys healthy food and exercise, much like myself. But she says, "oh I always enjoy a cookie or a few squares of chocolate/day."
Not like I'm her. But I know that the S day thing is just not helping my AMOUNTS of treats get better. I can go WITHOUT ALL WEEK pretty easily.
But I have no idea how to just have a little. Yet.

So this week my only "mod" is to pre-portion out a good piece of chocolate or a cookie for after dinner. That's all. That's it. Nothing else tempting will even be in the house. Sounds lame, but I need to train my body and mind to not have treats DO ANYTHING for me. But to be JUST THAT. A treat.

Alright I'm out! Gotta live!

[Sinnie]

Hey Liz, cheers to that idea! I'm so with you. I have been thinking the exact same thing - that S days allow me to "use" food - and I am not taking them anymore.

I absolutely love the detail you include in your blog. I follow it religiously! hehe. It is so profound and I love your writing style. I adore diary writing. We are so much the same, if this were an in-person support group we'd be best friends

Glad to hear Saturday was good. I need to update my own check in but just popped by the site for a second and wanted to respond about S days 'cuz I was thinking much the same.

Happy Sunday

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks, Sinnie! I'm glad we're on the same page. I not knocking Vanilla NO S AT ALL, in fact, I wonder if I will be crawling back to it.
I just know myself and am thinking what I want for life: to be able to have a treat (even if every day or not), but a small moderate amount.

So I did a big thing tonight. I know it sounds lame, but I talked to my husband. He is very all or nothing with treats, too, but doesn't have the mental baggage coupled with it. I explained i'll still be eating 3 meals/day, exercising, etc.
But I will have one treat/day and I HAVE to eat it with him or talk about it with him.
I admitted to my chocolate/candy binge last night and he was kinda stunned...
"You mean you finished all of that up?". He has no idea the amount I can put down. I hide it from him. He doesn't care AT ALL, but just is surprised since I'm usually the nag about too much sugar, etc. Yep, I ate that and from now on you'll be hearing about it...I cannot lie, sneak and hide wrappers anymore.

[Amy3010]

I am going to check out your blog - I have one too, but it is mainly for my running (I never talk about weight loss on it for some reason - I guess that is too sensitive for me because my two skinny sisters read my blog )

I think it is great you talked to your husband - I keep a lot of my eating disorder issues from my husband - out of shame, I guess. It takes a lot of guts to get it in the open - I admire that!

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the new mod really works for you. We are all on a journey to find our ideal way of eating for life!

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks, Amy.
Ya I feel a bit vulnerable posting on a blog but it actually makes me feel better that I don't really KNOW anyone that looks at it, ya know?
I haven't told anyone besides No-S'ers!

I figure if I have it available during tough times to just have an open forum to WRITE away my feelings, then I can I maybe sort thru them better than with food. I don't want to crowd-out my board!

Ya talking to my husband wasn't too hard in that he KNOWS I have always had food issues, but i try to push it all in the past. Bringing it up last night was good, but then I think he was worried and kept asking me if I'm REALLY okay. I said YES...i just am asking for you to not be surprised when I'm needing your help around food, k? Men. Just so cut and dry. Jealous, actually.

Ya, keeping my fingers crossed too. I'm open to anything these days!

Plan for today:
b: favorite oats
l: salad, protein, some carb, hummus
(I need a grocery run, but will save it for tomorrow)
d: leftover fajitas from last night

Then I will have one thing (nothing in the house currently), single serving, that I eat with, or in front of my husband. Sounds weird but it takes away the "oooh and aaah" of it. In the past, I would use the "I'm going to return the Redbox" and then go hog-wild on some treats, come back like nothing happened. No more of that!

[Amy3010]

Thanks for your comment on my thread!

If it's okay with you, I added your blog to my blog's sidebar so I can read it regularly (that's just how I keep up with the blogs I read) - if you rather I didn't put it up there, I can take it off, no problem. Just let me know! (My blog is at www.fitandfabulousatforty.blogspot.com) In general the blog community is pretty supportive, but it is definitely much more "public" than here.

I totally understand about privately writing to get stuff worked through. I do a lot of that kind of writing at www.750words.com - it's a like a private journalling site, where you are encouraged to write 750 words every day - about anything! If you want to write about anything and be confident that no one is reading it, yet still get some kind of feedback, it's perfect. It has helped me a lot in the past; there is something very theraputic about it! It's strange but the more I write, the more that flows out - it's almost addictive! Maybe we will eventually become compulsive writers instead of compulsive eaters?

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks, Amy! I do love to write and find it therapeutic, so that wouldn't be a bad addiction!
Every morning before the kids wake up (my body always wakes up at 6am), I like to read, journal, pray, meditate, what have you and this journaling this would be perfect. Just signed up!

I have no problem about the link to the blog. No biggie. Like I said, I may even start that 750 word thing instead!

Take care...

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks, Amy! I do love to write and find it therapeutic, so that wouldn't be a bad addiction!
Every morning before the kids wake up (my body always wakes up at 6am), I like to read, journal, pray, meditate, what have you and this journaling this would be perfect. Just signed up!

I have no problem about the link to the blog. No biggie. Like I said, I may even start that 750 word thing instead!

Take care...

[Amy3010]

Thanks Liz! I just saw your comment on my blog, which cheered me up!

For a long time I got up early and did my 750 words first thing. I haven't done that in a while, got out of the habit for some reason.

[lbb (Liz)]

Monday:
A "Green" success with my new mod
3 plates meals today.
One dessert WITH my husband.
This was actually a good thing. I didn't it pre-planned, but was picking up some flowers for a teacher tomorrow and saw some fresh baked cookies and our favorite peachy candies.
I can't tell you how close I came to bingeing.
Being in the outdoor mall.
Alone. Sans kids.
At night.
Surrounded by all sorts of eateries.
Would normally send me into a TAILSPIN!
In fact, I was planning out how I would get to place to place...
start at cupcake shop, then the ice cream, confectionary, etc. etc.
$25 later!

BUT, alas, I chose NOT to do that.
I knew I had promised husband to come home with a treat for he and I.
And I did. We ate together and caught up.
It was yummy but didn't serve the THRILL/REGRET/DRAMA AFFECT that treats usually do.
I guess that's a good thing!

Onward...

[Amy3010]

No drama is most definitely a great thing - it just takes some getting used to, that's all - good for you!

Have another great day today!

[Sinnie]

Hey Liz,

I've done the eat-dessert-together thing too. But not a conscious effort like you've mentioned, which is a great idea. Because I fall into two traps: 1) once I start with a cookie, lets say, i end up binging afterwards because I've opened the flood gates or 2) I don't enjoy it as much. Clearly, this tells me I eat sweets as rebellion rather than enjoyment. Maybe I'll consider implementing your plan to re-learn this normalcy in most people's lives. I find I enjoy sweets most when I'm impulsive about it. And in secret. I just like my "alone time" with such things LOL. Maybe I'll ask hubby a similar request. Do you make it with dinner, or much later, or any time of day?

I find it so interesting to hear other people out there think like I do. I never, ever discuss this with anyone in person except DH. I don't want anyone to see me as that kind of person, because I don't like superficial people who ONLY care about food and weight. I just have this compulsion, but don't want to be associated with it.

Do you find your weight affected by binging? Or it is contained enough to not make a difference...just curious

[rungirl96]

I just read your blog post about the chocolate bars. I can so relate! I don't do anything in moderation either, unfortunately. I even had to quit drinking entirely 2 years ago because it was starting to get out of hand, and because alcoholism runs in my family. There are some days I can do sugar in moderation, but seems like once I start eating it it's so much harder for me to stop. I also tried to fool myself with dark chocolate bars, but it's only a few squares that are beneficial not the entire bar (or bottle as it became for me with wine). I guess that's why I'm still struggling with feeling like my S days are out of control. I still feel like I over indulge, probably because I do.

[lbb (Liz)]

rungirl: Ha! I'm so glad someone can relate. I felt silly and ashamed posting that. Because who does that? I guess other people!

I've never had alcohol in my life, but know for a fact it would be an addictive substance for sure to me. It's good I don't start now!

Ya the "dark chocolate is good for me" thing doesn't quite work: not an entire 600 calorie bar that's good for me!
Yikes.

Sinnie: So you've been there, done that by way of trying the dessert/night thing? And it didn't work.

You know, something you said REALLY struck me. I read this post on my phone right before I went into Costco today and thought for a long time until now (a few hours) about it.
You are right: the sweets are much more enjoyed, oddly enough, in rebellion! I looked at cookies at Costco,the treats, etc. and never think, "oh I want a bite of that". It's more like, "i want those in my purse and to sneak them until they are gone."

Or last night while at the outdoor mall, I looked with question at people sitting down eating one cupcake, one Red mango, etc. And just that. I thought, "huh?". It doesn't even seem fun if not eaten with wild abandon. I can't say that at the drug store I wasn't TOTALLY jones-ing to grab all the candy I could and "call it good for the night". Eat it quickly while driving home. Hiding the wrappers and walking in the house like nothing had happened.

That's not normal. I mean, there is no "normal", but really, that is evidently compulsive.

Why do I do that? Why do YOU do that? Are we too perfect and pleasing and down-the-line in the real world and going crazy with food just feels relaxing? I know not.

I don't really need to know WHY yet, but I do need to train my mind with different habits. A combo of No S and my mod will do that.

I can't say if this treat with husband is good or bad. But in a way, it was nice for me to sit and eat with him and realize it WASN'T that fun...

But on S day, I get that rebellion back, the reckless abandon, etc. Which, frankly, I just don't like.

So all ya'll are different. I know myself and today it's:
b: oats
l: spinach with turkey, olives, feta, tomato, cucumbers, tzatiki
rice cakes, hummus
d: veggie burger
s: 3 dark chocolate truffles eaten WITH husband. yes, there's even a big bag above the fridge sitting there. i would normally eat the whole bag.
but now, i've told hubs that i get 3, and he gets 3.

it doesn't hurt that he REALLY has portion/distortion too, but doesn't consider it a problem.

Sinnie: we are a safe place and yes! people think like you and i! we're all different, i'm sure in the way we do things, but the same compulsion lives. Thanks for opening up. It's REALLY helped me sort things out.

And I haven't weighed myself for about 2 weeks. Last time I did it was about 122. I can feel the after-effect of my binges last week (wed/th/fri/sat) and feel about 5 pounds more. Water weight, or what have-you.
I did "Body Pump" today and looked in the mirror and could tell my exercise clothes seemed more snug.
No likey.
Ah well!

Love to you....

[lbb (Liz)]

I feel a bit bloated this morning, but ah well.
Too much salt probably.

I did weigh myself out of curiosity: 124.
Kinda at my high-end, but I'm coming off lotsa binges last week and obviously,
I'm not doing the no-treats thing.
A brownie wouldn't help my cause .

Weight, like I've said isn't my main focus, but good habits.
I CAN tell, however, that I'm not fitting into my jeans as easily.
But feeling mentally good trumps all!

So Tuesday went well I guess.

If I didn't give into a binge yesterday, I consider it a huge success.
Because it was a perfect storm of a sick 2 year old who gave up his nap and almost left me in tears.
Tantrums galore, no sleep, etc.

My vacuum died (not a big deal, but I'm kind of a vacuuming fool, so I was sad) and just a few other minor stresses.
But, the lack of sleep for me and kiddo being the biggest trigger.

However, I stuck to 3 meals and an S.
Now the "S" was a huge brownie unexpectedly dropped off.

See, my neighbor brought it to me about 4 pm (she saw me mid-kid-tantrum and felt bad for me I think!).
It's from Great Harvest. She brought me 2 (one for husband, too).

If I had been following Vanilla No-S, there is NO DOUBT in my mind (unfortunately) that I would NOT have been able to save it for the weekend.
It would have lead to a huge binge. Sad that I just know that, but I know myself with that kind of unexpected treat showing up.

I could smell it and actually almost gave in at 4pm but I knew I could eat some tonight with the huz.
So I resisted till later.

So the huz gets home late post-dinner that night and says, "what's our treat?".
I pulled out the brownies from Dianne.
"WOW these are huge!".

We both ate about half of the brownies.
They were good, but it was just TOO much.
It was good and I'm grateful I stuck to my rules:
no secret eating
3 meals
no bingeing
no snacks
no treats by myself

[Sinnie]

Liz, I am so proud of you! What a feat! (From someone who REALLY understands the whole "perfect storm" for eating.

I don't want to hijack your thread with my plans, but wanted to say I'm really inspired by your ideas and plan to follow suit with some tweaks. Thanks girl!

I really want to get the book you're reading. I just got another booked called What Would Audrey Do? (of course referring to audrey hepburn). Once i finish that, I'll look for Unhooked.

[lbb (Liz)]

Wish I could mail it your way!
It's not a "how to book" necessarily, like NO S, but I think it helps me get inside the mind of compulsive and addicted people like myself.
Without being too wordy. It's a quick and entertaining read!

[lbb (Liz)]

Yesterday, Wednesday!

I love the structure of knowing I'll have 3 yummy meals/day.
It helps so much when out and about and not packing/planning for myself.

I remember I practically dragged a cooler around in the old days when on "Intuitive Eating"...heaven forbid I get hungry!!!
I have noticed, however, that I'm not starving lately for my meals.
Maybe it's time to take them down a notch.

B: oats
L: (my fave concoction): spinach, feta, chicken, olives, tomato, cucumber, tzatiki
great harvest sprouted bread with laughing cow cheese
D: veggie burger mixed into spinach and veggies (see above)
rice cakes (needed some crunch)
S: chocolate

Okay so I don't look back but did learn something last night.
I had a little "FAIL" according to my rules.

I had been at Target that day and bought a bag of Lindt truffle balls.
They were on special, looked amazing, and thought: this will be our treat tonight.
We'll have a couple of them together.

So I laid them out on a plate for he and I later that night.
We ate, watched Jeopardy, yadda yadda. Oh how romantic...lol.

Anywho, it just bugged the crap out of me that there was still a bag in the kitchen with about 4 balls left.
I mean...they are just sitting there so alone and pointless. Begging to be finished!

I said to my husband: I'm going to go eat those! I can't stand that they are leftover!
He said, you don't have to...just throw them out if it's that bad or I'll eat them.
Then I was like: no, I want them. So I DID eat them.
But in front of him and totally laughing at myself saying, "what the heck is wrong with me?".
It made me think of what Sinnie said...how she doesn't enjoy treats if not eaten alone, rebelliously, etc.
I saw that I didn't take time (like I had with the others) to enjoy and savor those 4 chocolates.
Instead, I ate them quickly and rebelliously like it wasn't happening. And it felt compulsive.

So the moral of the story is, folks: I'm not ready to have something in the house that is not a
SINGLE SERVING!

Remember my previous post about chocolate and the drugstore?
Buying king size bars and finishing them like it ain't no thang?
I simply am not ready to leave chocolate halfway.
Now I know (again). And won't make that mistake.

If I even want an "S", I'll make sure it's reasonable enough ("don't be an idiot") and won't leave me an option to go back for more.

Okay the end.
Moving on!

[Amy3010]

I mentioned on your blog I have this same issue with potato chips!!! My solution is single serving sizes for my kids if I don't want those chips calling my name at the worst possible time...

Thanks again for your kind words - means a lot to me!

[sarahkay]

I would have done the same thing... I made him eat them just to get them out of my face!

[lbb (Liz)]

haha: thanks sarahkay: ya it's like "i'll make you fat in order for me to not go crazy!"

Warning: this is long, so if you want to endure great, but it's mainly therapeutic for me to write out:

Thursday.
I binged. It just happened so quickly. How can one be so steady-minded, or think she is and then wham!
Back into old habits. I HATED the feeling. I hated how removed I felt even at the tee ball game. It was like I was in a daze and a different person. It OWNED me, this binge.

So weird.
It was like this:
We had about 20 minutes before the tee-ball game. I had made some noodles, meatballs, marina for the boys to eat up quickly. Pretty much sitting next to them the whole time. Hurry! Let's eat!
In my head, I thought: Okay, we'll get home from tee ball about 7:30. I'll be starving. Should I hurry and eat something now...but didn't have time to make up something healthy.
But looking back I should have.
Because what the boys didn't eat, I finished off.
It's like I thought: okay make this a dinner and you have 5 minutes to cram anything into your mouth that you can:

So the tally was:
noodles, a couple meatballs.
handful animal crackers.
protein bar. (thought: oh this is "healthy!)
a cheese quesadilla ( quick microwaved cheese/tortilla)

i had bought 2 reese (the 2-cup single serving) for husband and i that night.
yes, i ate them both driving to the game.

at the game I was just blah. So extremely mad at myself and disappointed because I was comparing the light airy and clear-minded person and INVOLVED person I USUALLY am at son's games to the distant and disappointed person last night. The person who felt like a cheat and a liar and a scammer.
Not like the food was really the problem, but the compulsive non-Liz beast that came out.
Outer body experience.

And I was wanting more, even. Yes, more!
To "finish 'er out".

My husband showed up from work near the end of the game.
Some of the other parents were going to Menchie's (the build your own frozen yogurt spot).
We went. I loaded up on yogurt to boot.
Lots of flavors with butterfingers topping.

So I came home and was really really tired and disappointed. And confused.
But went to bed.
And this morning I'm more clear in my head. And can see that I need to have safeguards for a couple things.

My binge trigger moment came when sitting with my kids to dinner.
I had thought "liz you will be hungry at tee ball game so eat now".
But I had no time to prepare a proper meal.

What I should have one different:
a) let the hunger be. have a cup of tea.
b) eaten with the kids in the first place (it was only 5:30, so it felt too early).

Lately I've been so on the non-cooking mode because it's Spring, we are busy, yadda yadda.
Maybe I could have promised myself a yummy dinner later. It's just that I wasn't excited about any dinner possibilities anyways. The noodles and stuff weren't good, but I was just finishing out what they had not eaten (my problem all the time!).

Rules:
a) don't pre-buy treats in anticipation
b) get excited about a dinner. don't just leave it up in the air, because then you'll possibly just eat ANYTHING and everything in front of you.
c) eat with someone. i could have waited to eat dinner with my hubby later. he hadn't eaten yet.

Marked, moved on...a day at a time.

[Sinnie]

Oh darling I can't count the number of times I've been there. Exactly as you've described. You are SO NOT ALONE.

If it's any consolation, your binge was small, in fact, I would say that's barely a binge. The dinner was a normal amount (at least for me) but I bet it felt bad because it wasn't enjoy, wasn't planned and felt compulsive. A couple chocolates and then some frozen yogurt. Not ideal, not that bad either. Good job on not continuning to wreck the car. I probably would have.

I am afraid I'll have that type of episode tonight. See, my problem is I eat dinner on weekdays EARLY - I'm talking between 3-4pm or so. I've always typically done it that way. Some days I wait a bit longer but on average. Weekends we eat at 7 or later. Anyways, today after work I have to straight to my friends house and I dont know how long ill be there. The thought of not knowing when my next meal is coming terrifies me. But, like you said "let the hunger be. have a cup of tea" - I think I will follow that advice. I'll grab a coffee if necessary and wait it out.

We are both learning here. We'll get there, together. One day at a time.

[milliem]

What I love about that post is the way you have really honestly thought about why you binged and what you could do differently - brilliant!

It's interesting how we can panic when we don't have food at the 'right time'. There were only two hours between your possible meal times but one was 'too early' and one was 'oh god I'll be starving!' Personally I'd go with the handle the hunger option, as I'd be way more worried about snacking in the evening if I had dinner as early as 5.30pm than about feeling hungry.

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks for your empathy, friends.
Ya it doesn't seem like a TON of food, Sinnie, but it was the race to eat it compulsively, shove it down, that wasn't too awesome.
And a "couple chocolates" were two Reese bars (4 cups!).

I DO think, like you said, milliem that it would be helpful to have waited. I would have been more focused and not just eating to eat.
I think at that hour I will allow myself a Diet Soda. I've been cutting them out lately (unless at a restaurant) and they really are a treat for me.

So maybe when my kids eat, around 5-6-ish and I'm just SITTING there helping them, I will drink a yummy (yes I said yummy for all you Diet Coke naysayers!) soda. Enjoy it and hold me over till dinner time...7-ish.

Thanks for the words.

I have today pretty planned out to avoid any fail. Had oats today, ran around the lake with my boys, will eat lunch of typical chicken salad in a minute, and it's Chipotle veggie bowl for dinner.

Not planning on treats unless we want to go GET them, but for now I will just leave it at that.

Xo

[lbb (Liz)]

Husband not home and I don't feel like a treat tonight.
BUt reading something Reinhard wrote, I like this about solitary snacking, or in my case, no treats WITHOUT another person.
Unless it's part of dinner. He says:

"Cookie with meal (as dessert) -- no audience required.

Cookie between meals (as snack) -- gotta have a partner/witness.

Note that it doesn't STOP you from having that cookie. Just from unthinkingly wolfing it and a dozen more down. It's a speed bump that cuts down on automatic eating that isn't really all that pleasurable anyway.

What defines a partner/witness? Some kind of communication/invitation that a snack is happening. For me, it usually works in reverse: my daughters want a snack and I will join them. The fact that I'm in Dad-mode as well as in public is an additional bolster to virtue. "

[Amy3010]

Very good distinction on the solitary snacking - it's all a question of what the intention is behind it, isn't it?

I hope you are having a good weekend!

[lbb (Liz)]

Yesterday we celebrated our 10 year anniversary. YAY!
So fun. We went out and we never normally do, so it was super special!
I had enjoyed breakfast and lunch and no snacks. I knew we'd eat well that night.
Had a lovely dinner. I love that I wasn't "doing" anything like Paleo, low carb, zone, anything. I just got what sounded good. Bacon-wrapped dates shared as an appetizer, one piece bread from the basket, and an chicken salad as an entree.
Enjoyed time together and a ferry ride.
Came back to the city and went out for build-your-own fro yo. We love that place. I loaded up even though it was 10pm! Super yum.
Came home and the boys hadn't touched the swedish fish bag I had left for the sitter, movie, kids. I ate all the swedish fish. We were hanging out and it was like, "oh it's there. whatever."
Compulsivley and not WITH my husband.
So I call it a fail.
The dessert wasn't. Because we were together getting it.
But when I came home cleaning up the kitchen and was embarrassed eating the ENTIRE bag of swedish fish (YUCK), that calls for a fail.
Update:
my mod is this:
3 meals/day.
Vanilla unless a treat "event" comes up.
It doesn't have to be an "S" day, but I have to eat with someone, in front of someone. An "EVENT".
But no "S" days.
This keeps me from driving in the car alone stuffing my face.
Sneaking candy in my pocket.
Going to the store late at night on binges.
Basically, all compulsive behavior.
So I get a fail if I do those things.
Today we have church, relaxing day...
Oats (though I'm not currently hungry)
Turkey wrap
Husband is grilling and doing dinner
we have an ice cream cookie pie I put together yesterday
Probably only enough for our family, thankfully. No bingeing on that.

Happy Mom's day to all mothers in any way, shape or form!
So a fail would entail eating alone compulsively. My main problem anyways.

[lbb (Liz)]

I'm feeling really fat and bloated today. I'm not out to lose weight, but I feel like I'm gaining. It's not coming from snacks, but I have not been eating when hungry. I used to feel hunger a couple months ago when I started No S, but feel like with an every-other-day treat or occasional binge/fail, that I've gained about 5 pounds and feel blah.

I hate to be a flip-flopper, but for now I need Vanilla.
As much as I hate the S days, I feel fantastic on the N days and I think I was starting to lose weight. I just have a good 5-7 pounds that can only go away with No S.
Okay off to life!

[Amy3010]

So you had your 10th anniversary and Mother's Day on the same weekend! I can understand feeling bloated on Monday morning...

Hope this week goes really well for you - hang in there!

[lbb (Liz)]

Thank you dear Amy!
I had a N day yesterday and baby it felt so good! I know it's only one day, but when you haven't been N compliant for awhile it feels good to know I can do it.
I was very tempted to have a treat. We had had dinner with the family and my husband said, "let's go get frozen yogurt!" I was all, "shoot...i want it and it's a family thing...blah blah blah."
But before I knew it, my son had too much homework, my husband had a patient call him forever, etc. And we didn't go.
I DID go to the grocery store and was so surprised at my feelings to grab a bag of this/that/the other and eat it all.
What is going on here?
I didn't want a taste or little bit of anything, just binge.
I think that's when I know I need to get compliant again. I can't fool myself into thinking I am a moderate person in treats. It's just a "switch" in my body that hasn't quite been turned off.
So for now, the same way alcoholics have to stay vigilant about their rules, I need to do the same. It's just ALL or nothin', baby. Unfortunately.
One day at a time. 1/21=GREEN!

[Amy3010]

I understand completely - it's such a slippery slope. I am needing to get much stricter with myself too. Been doing way to much sliding around! Let's have a good end to the week, right?

[tobiasmom]

I, too, had my first successful N day in quite some time yesterday! It feels awesome, doesn't it?? Let's string them together this week!!!!!

[lbb (Liz)]

YAY girls!
I had another N day yesterday. PHEW!
It was tough but realizing I had gotten out of the habit of feeling hunger or of having something to look forward to.
When I'm not bingeing on treats or overly full, there is this light yet empty space left. And it leaves me to deal with other stuff without focusing on how full/sick I am.
I guess I'm hiding up some stuff that needs to be addressed!
Sorry for the pyschobabble. But it is deeper for me than habits. Or I would have an easier time changing habits!
Off to another N day today!
Let's do it!

[lbb (Liz)]

For lunch today I had made myself a huge salad with a few "soy crisps" on the side.
I grabbed the bag (somewhat smaller bag...all rice cakes in bag equalling 350 calories) and while pouring a few on my plate, I took a few more from the bag, sat down, and finished the bag.
Huh?
Thing is, I had never bought this type of rice cake (look up "Soy Crisps" in ranch) since I was eating weird/binge eating. I ALWAYS bought these and considered them my lunch.
So having a couple today took me into auto-pilot and finishing the bag.
I don't think I'll count it as a fail because then I barely finished my huge salad. Just too full.
Anyways, won't be buying those again.
Surprised if I feel hungry for dinner later.
Xo

[sarahkay]

it is tough for me to handle foods I'm used to overeating also. pizza is a tough one right now!

[Amy3010]

It is so strange how some foods can do that - make you click right back into those old behaviors and mind set. What is up with that?

Have a good day today!

[lbb (Liz)]

Had a strange day full of lots of different emotions. I was up all night with a stubborn 2 year old who is now in a "big boy bed" and kept getting up and out all night long.
Not the best timing to quit my intense caffeine addiction! But I had none in the house. So I was dragging a bit today.
Anyways, still had breakfast, a nice lunch, and did pilates.

At about 5:30, going to tee-ball, my husband says, "afterwards let's go to Menchie's again! (the build your own frozen yogurt place)".
I think, "okay, should that be my dinner? or, "i'll eat now and so that will be a dessert?", or "i won't have any".
I already knew I would have some because I didn't want to be an outcast and knew it would backfire somehow.

So, I made a quick salad and ate it hurriedly on the way to tee ball.
Leaving the game, knowing we're getting dessert, they passed out chocolate granola bars and I had one (I don't even like them, but I was in "BREAK THE RULES MODE!").

Driving there, I felt that compulsion. The "raid my purse for anything off-limits to eat" feeling. What the heck is that?
Somewhat thrilling and fun feeling. My follow-the-rules self out the window.

Sampled about every flavor of fro yo at Menchies'. Then build myself a good size topped with reese and butterfinger.
We ate outside and it was lovely.
I joked with my husband, since we were sitting by Trophy Cupcakes shop that I should get one of those, too.

Of course he thought I was joking, but I really was considering it. "As long as I was breaking the bank, I may as well go big!".

I just realized the thrill of over-doing it. The rebellion and relaxation. It had been a loooong day following no sleep. Full of science fair, sports, kids, tantrums, and it was just so nice to konk out with food.

I worry I'm not ready to give this up.
It's just not fulfilling for me to have just the yogurt and not be able to "capitalize" on more. Is that so weird? Does ANYONE know what I'm talking about?
I know it's NOT moderate and I don't want to have this compulsion, but I'm trying to figure out why it's so hard to let go of it.
I liked coming home from ice cream, putting the kids to bed, eating a small bag of quaker quakes and the brownie from the freezer.

I say "liked" not in the way of sitting at the table enjoying and savoring.
But "liked" by way of standing in the kitchen shoving it in before I decided to stop.
In my head:
"Stop here Liz!"..opposing self, "You can stop after it's all done and then play penitence".

Oh man I'm a wreck. But bear with my long drawn-out post because it helps me sort out my feelings.

Thursday=fail.
I'm afraid the 21-day has to start for me tomorrow. Or maybe I can't commit to 21 days because it's too big picture. Maybe just one meal at a time.

[Amy3010]

Liz, I get this 100% (especially "break the rules mode"!) and I have stood in your shoes many times in the past, and surely will at some point in the future again. This is deeply ingrained and we are probably never going to be able to completely banish this behavior.

But, don't give up! And don't beat yourself up about it! Remain calm and carry on. The fact is that we are reducing the how intense and how often these eating episodes get us - and that is the long term, slow and steady solution that we need.

Hang in there!

[Sinnie]

I know, all too well, what you're talking about.

I actually look forward to reading your long posts, maybe because I see so much of myself in them, maybe because you write so well, or maybe just because this whole concept is intriguing to me.

The caffeince addiction is very close to me too. I never really thought caffeine had a hold on me (I can drink coffee and go to sleep). But I can't imagine life WITHOUT coffee. I'm willing to settle for decaf if I have to. I just like the ritual. As I talked to DH, I said I can just have some coffee instead. He goes "water." I said "no, coffee." It went like that. He believes I use that as a coping mechanism too often, and doesn't help my habits because I'm always relying on SOMETHING. I don't know if that is entirely true. I'm not denying it, if I can't eat, then I find something else to put in my mouth, with flavour. Coffee. Gum. I can go through a few pieces of gum in a row to keep my mouth busy. DH thinks I need to stop all this behaviour and learn to live without it. That's such a scary scary prospect. And the coffee thing is also comfort. I grew up with mom always drinking coffee (she has no eating issues whatsoever, and is skinny). Even now when I see mom, she is always ready for a cup. We both drink it the same, with milk. Occasionally, I use vanilla soy or something for extra calories or sweetness if I need it. But, the point is, it seems so normal to me. Maybe it will be like when I stopped drinking diet soda. As a teen/early 20's, I would drink amazing quantities of the stuff to keep me full or fill me up at a meal. Stopped that a few years ago, and don't miss the stuff. I have on rare occasion a non-diet soda, or even a diet soda, but I don't crave it. I could easily fall into that again but out of sight, out of mind, I suppose.

Anyways, sorry for going on about that, just some thoughts I needed to get out.

I, too, feel I am not ready to give up my over-eating. Right now, I am on lunch and have an hour to go. I so want to grab a coffee and sweet. THAT would be Heaven. And it's such a small request in a hectic life. Yet, if I want to be good I can't do it. It makes me want to throw a temper tantrum

I should probably run along but I really hope you find some peace today. I pray for us both to not binge and do what we need to do. If we do, I think our goal should at least be to learn to STOP in the middle of it. I read once that the difference between people who keep weight off and those who don't is the ability to start overeating, and then STOP. Let's give it a try?

Have a great weekend. It's a long weekend so I am really looking forward to three days off!

[sarahkay]

I struggle with this too. But then at work (I work at an amusement park) I see thin people and very large people. How uncomfortable they look, the embarrassment of not fitting quite right in the coasters seats, the shame in their eyes. And then i see thin people who bounce around with their excitement, look great in their tank tops, and easily move in and out of the tiny cars.

I also think about six months from now... do I want to have made progress or be in the same rut; depressed and angry about my weight.

It is sooo hard though. And I agree about stopping mid-binge. I do that a lot and I think it saves me big time!

[lbb (Liz)]

Good day.
Definitely a "failure" with No-S standards but I kind of need to do what's best for me.
I'm not straying from No-S, but simply remembering what I know to be true for myself.
My happiest times with food and eating were when I identified all "ED" behaviors, and personified "ED" and kicked HIM out of my life.
A book that helped me with this, and promotes FULL recovery (you are what you think you are!) is this one by Jenni Schaefer.
She talks about her recovery from anorexia and bulimia and how it took such a place in her life, keeping her from closeness of others. How behaviors got in the way of intimacy, etc.
http://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Ed-D ... 0071422986

In her next book she talks of life AFTER ED. This is where I belong. There's this gap after one stops counting calories, obsessing over diet books and websites (even Everyday Systems!) and starting to LIVE and find other passions.
http://www.amazon.com/Goodbye-Ed-Hello- ... gy_b_img_b

I know it sounds like I've been jumping all over the map in the last few months.
From strict Vanilla to a simple mod of a treat each night, etc. etc.

But when I was in my eating disorder clinic over 13 years ago, I remember making a pledge to myself in my letter and it was to avoid the toxic environments that take me into ED's paws again.
Those are, for me:
-eating in private
-counting calories
-weighing myself
-weighing my food
-looking at exercise magazines/obsessing over cookbooks, etc (food porn)
-compulsive gum chewing
-compulsive diet soda
-compulsive exercise

I remember a therapist saying that I've been dating an abusive boyfriend who is good to me (numbs me, takes me away, relieves my anxiety), but then also beats me (makes me feel awful, gain weight, takes me away from family and friends).

I need to break up with him once and for all.
I've kept his phone number in my back pocket for a long time and then even called him a lot since I've had babies.

But I know in my heart of hearts what is best for Liz. And though I love to blog and stuff, even taking photos of my food and recording it was leading me to "obsessive food thoughts". Letting "ED" in.

I love checking in on my No-S-ers. But I think I have a brain chip different from some people and it's simply a dangerous slippery slope when I get caught up in quantifying and saying "good" or "bad" to a day.

I can't eat intuitively, but will stick to my 3 meal structure. But the second I feel guilty or like a failure, ED creeps in my life.

So today was different. For instance, I had my usual oats, did an hour of cardio, had a turkey wrap for lunch (didn't fill up my plate). My neighbor came by (again) with her HUGE great harvest brownie. I actually thought "SHOOT!" what am I gonna do?
But I did what ED didn't' want me to do.
He wanted me to scarf it all down and then eat the rest of the kitchen.

But instead, since my kids were there, I put it on a plate and we all had a few bites. (it's big).
I didn't let myself feel any guilt and then moved on. I kinda felt scared and worried: wait! what do I do now? nothing...

Then tonight I met my husband last minute at the Brewery for dinner. I had a veggie havarti sandwich and some sweet potato fries. I felt very full after dinner. But didn't care.

Came home and had some chocolate later. But not bingey. Just because.

I still feel like I ate too much today. But I think it will all even out once I start just not "making anything of what I eat". it is what it is. Food. Not good, not bad.

I like the structure of 3 meals. But heck, if there's a treat thrown in or a snack, I don't want to push it away.

Basically, my new "success" will come from avoiding like the plague any eating disorder behaviors I have been letting into my life.

I'll check in with my "progress" but I can guarantee you no food will be considered a "fail". The only way I will "fail" will be if I give up and give in to guilt and self-deprecation.

Love you all. Sorry for the epistle. It's my therapy.

[Amy3010]

Liz, if there is one thing I truly believe in, it's that we all have to do what is right for ourselves, and I think you are doing so well in digging deep into figuring this out for yourself. We are all unique, and what works for one person might not work for someone else. You are on a healing journey and I applaud you!

Have a great weekend and truly enjoy yourself, your family, and good foods you choose to eat.

[Sinnie]

Liz, I completely understand. I often have taken a little hiatus from the boards myself. At times, I feel I need to be completely removed from all things "diet". It helps me be the most normal. But having said that, I still will fall into old behaviours regardless and then need the support. Its a delicate balance.

The whole good/bad/success/failure thing is tricky for me as well. Being so black and white is tough because when I might otherwise just have something and be done with it, if that means a big FAIL, I won't go small - I'll go BIG! You know what I mean?

We are on a certain path right now, and we must do what is best for us individually. No S is most definitely the best thing out there as far as eating habits go. It's the basic structure and from there we must adapt for us. Even never having done it perfectly, I was able to lose weight and stabilize at a pretty decent size. That's the power of this way of eating. It's not about the one snack, or trip to the dessert place...etc.....it's about binging or overeating in the end. If that compulsive behaviour can be avoided, we are doing great

Take care hun,
sinnie

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks Sinnie & Amy. True friends indeed!

Just had to report on a "success" for me!

I'm not really taking "S" days, just doing N days and a possible treat here and there if it comes my way.

So today, I had usual oats, went on a long run, a family bike ride, and to my son's tee ball game.
Afterwards, we had a little potluck. I wasn't going to eat anything because I like my meals structured and secured with all the proper veggies and stuff.
But it was like 1:30pm. There was this huge table of tempting things. Homemade chocolate chip cookies, bagels, cream cheese, cupcakes, fruit, etc.
Unconsciously, I took a chocolate chip cookie. I was like, "woah now what?".
But then I just got a plate. NOt the healthiest by my standard. A big bagel and cream cheese and one more cookie.
I haven't had a bagel in years!
It tasted great.
I have to say I kinda panicked for a minute and almost went into binge mode. But I was like, "okay this is what that middle ground feels like".
NOt hungry, maybe a little too full, but not OVERLY BLOATED full.

I don't like middle ground, but I stayed there. And closed the gates. I coulda gone to town on the red vines, and then more stuff when I got home.
But I thought, "if I want more later, I can have it, but I'm full and satisfied."

See it's hard for me when it's not a planned "liz meal" with a veggie, protein, etc. But whatever. I was hungry, I was social. I talked to people WHILE I was eating (now that is HARD FOR ME TO DO).

Progress, people, progress.

[Amy3010]

Yay, Liz!!! Definitely a success!

And if you can keep moving in the direction you are going in right now, even with setbacks here and there, you are making progress. Good for you!

[Sinnie]

Amazing Liz, seriously well done! I was actually giving some thought to your meals. Funny you mention the bagel thing because I was thinking that maybe if you added more "fun" to your meals, the desire to binge might be less? Now, your meals are something I'm trying to aspire to! But, they are always extremely healthy, seems mostly salads (albeit hearty!). It's probably totally off-base but just thought it may be something you could look into. I don't know if you have any carbs you enjoy like pasta or rice or perogies etc...but I find when I have little carbs at meals, I want sweets more. Who knows, but great job today

Happy Sunday!

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks again girls. Such great wisdom and insight!

You're right Sinnie: it's hard for me to add variety like bagels to my meals. I'm scared of variety. It throws me off. And unlike you, I have a hard time listening to my body and knowing that hungry/full switch. Something to work on, for sure.

I think with all the years of reading and following certain diets (Paleo, ww, etc) I have these "BAD" foods in my head. And know too much, ya know?
I always feel like I have to have a protein, fat, veggie at every meal. Which is fine and dandy, but I'm left not often listening to my body. And then over-doing it on sweets, as you pointed out.

For instance last night...after the park incident with the carb overload. We had a lovely afternoon. Mowed the lawn, weeded, etc. Then my husband ordered pizza (usually does on Sat.). I wasn't feeling that hungry yet. So I waited awhile to eat.

But it came and when I saw my kids' plates with their half-eaten pizza/crusts leftover it was so hard not to snatch it up. I had a few bites but it didn't taste that great. I told myself I could have all I wanted, but I was like, "this is kinda card-boardy-tasting."

So later, knowing I needed some veggies after all the bread yesterday, I did make a famous Liz salad. Mainly to feel good and satisfied. But I coupled it with a hawaiian pizza slice. FIne and dandy.

Later that night I didn't binge but had a fair amount of treats. See, if they are in the house, it's hard to be moderate. I ate with my husband, though. He had bought ice cream + toppings for today (Sunday) b/c we are having people over. (ice cream sundaes)
I had a bowl and then some reese on top. I didn't skimp. And I even felt like eating another bowl and another and even got all "get out of my way, huz, i'm gonna binge".

But he was like, "woah girl stop!". And I was mad at him and kinda offended ("who are you to tell me?"). But he's like, "you always wake up mad at yourself when you over-do it, so I'm just trying to help you.
He was totally right.

I'm grateful now he did that, but at the moment was feeling vulnerable because usually I'm the healthier one and telling him to stop eating crap. But he has not seen me in action like that, b/c it's usually in secret. So it's good I was with him.

So, it's today. I'm glad I stopped last night. But realize I didn't need all those treats anyways. My portions on treats need some fix in'. I think I need to use my husband more. I think it was Saturday night, we were watching a movie, and I was just eating for fun.

Today I'm hosting people for dinner. BBQ'd chicken, pasta, rolls, asparagus, pineapple. And I have ice cream for dessert.

I think I will ask my husband (and it will take lots of humility and losing control to someone else) to spoon me up a bowl. And that's it.

Just to help myself, ya know?

Well, friends thanks again for the love and support. I love writing and don't think I'll leave the boards because it helps me sort out stuff in my head.

BUt please forgive the lengthy posts. THis is journalistic and you are free to never read, as you know~

[Sinnie]

I'm totally with you on the husband thing. I have had that happen so many times! Poor guy sees me doing something he knows I will regret and tries to help. He always says "I want to be talking to morning Sinnie" (I am completely irrational at night, but can acknowledge things properly in the morning). However, I can clearly admit that if it wasn't for my husband, I'd never be where I am today eating/weight-wise. He is a tremendous help, but there is only so much he can do. It's my body and my decisions, can't do it for me. It's funny when we're in company because he is like, "I'm watching you continually pick and take more and more and I can't say anything! And you know I can't say anything! And you're just looking at me like "whatcha gonna do " hehe

Anyways, slowly but surely, we're getting there. Good luck with the company. I always have a hard time not overeating (usually afterwards).

[lbb (Liz)]

I don't know what came over me today.
I felt insatiable and just so completely unsatisfied.
I ate an insane amount. Not so much early in the day, but so much later.
After I had company over, they took home the ice cream, but I was jone-sing for something to munch on while I did the dishes. It's like I always need something to get me thru the hard times like dishes/cleaning.
I got desperate enough to eat TONS of apple cinnamon rice cakes, a Toblerone bar, and basically anything sweet in the cupboards.
I simply feel like a mess.
You know when you think you know what you are doing and then you are like, "woah I feel so screwed now I have no idea what I believe anymore?".
Do I go strict Vanilla No S? Because right now I may as well have had the last two days as "S" days, so to keep myself from being 400 pounds, maybe I need to stay N-compliant on the other days.
Am I trying far too hard to not let No-S ever get too hard and obtrusive in my real world?
The second I try to go back to Vanilla, I think, "oh but I want to be real and not weird and not set apart.".
But really? How is turning down sweets M-F REALLY making me that different from others? My life is pretty simple anyways. i'm mostly with my family.
I think it comes from my personality of always making people around me feel super comfortable, please them, and make sure I don't stand out.
I would never want to make waves. If I'm not hungry and I go out with a friend, I'd still eat to be "normal".
Anyways, besides the point. I ate too much to list today. It's disgusting.
I mean, I made a very nice healthy yummy dinner. But did I need the ice cream? The chips? The chocolate? And sneaking into bed to finish it off?
It's the action alone but the COMPULSION that was wrong.
I need to go to bed. And I need to figure myself out.
Vanilla, friends? Sounding hungry again sure sounds good.
It has been awhile since I've felt light and airy.
Love to all. And good night...

[Amy3010]

I'm sorry to hear you were struggling yesterday, but try not to be so hard on yourself! I was just reading in the McGonigal willpower book about how being forgiving of ourselves is much more effective than beating ourselves up.

I recognized myself in your post - I used to get terribly anxious when we would have company over and it would always trigger a post-visitors binge... the first thing is to recongnize it and the second thing is to forgive yourself for it. I know it's hard because we get so frustrated with ourselves - why do we do all this when we so do NOT want to?

Mark it and move on and try to have a calm, peaceful week. But don't try too hard, just do your best!
Hugs

[Sinnie]

Liz, I can't believe I'm not the only one who feels that way about "making waves" as you put it. Crap, that is exactly me! I've always, since a child, been a people pleaser. Always been much more comfortable when other people's desires are put first, allowing them to make decisions etc. For example, last night I was totally full after dinner, but S-DD wanted dessert (like usual). Now, if I don't get dessert, she will be upset because she doesn't want to be the only one eating it, and it will be a big deal. (DH does not eat dessert, usually because he is lactose intolerant, but mainly b/c he never wants it, so he is out of the equation). As a result, just to keep her happy/keep the peace, I got an ice cream too. Didnt really enjoy it though. We went to Marble Slab Creamery and I stuck with a junior size mixed with reese cups. Meh, could've done without, but like you, I don't wanna make waves.

So this morning I am up to 121. This is my scary weight - as in Sinnie you take action NOW or you will creep up right to where you were years ago. It can happen easily. That is why I keep my eye pretty close on this. In any case, I am now also struggling with where I "belong". To Vanilla? To a Vanilla with mod? Calorie counting? etc etc....

I also want that light and airy feeling back.

I feel hopeful though. We will all do this. The difference is not giving up. You know how easy that would be to do? Most people don't want to have these feelings we are going through and experiencing. We could look the other way and say Oh it's not that bad!!! And pretend like we are fine, weight isn't so bad and make all kinds of rationalizations. But we are coming back, admitting faults and figuring out solutions. Try, try again. Something will work as a result. Hold on tight, and keep going. I know one day things will just CLICK. There will be small backslides, as always, but that's okay. In the end we'll always be ahead.

Much love girl

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks, Amy! I love what you said about not beating myself up. I needed that. I think more than anything I was looking at myself from an objective by-stander thinking "what the heck are you doing?". I'm just confused as to why I couldn't be satisfied yesterday! Though my tummy was full!

Yes having company over is extremely anxiety-producing and usually, though selfish, I avoid it because I DO turn into a wreck when they leave. Eating every last thing until it's put away. Doesn't help that I try new recipes out to be special so even more food to choose from!

Don't "try to hard". Love that. Sometimes our minds get warped into thinking too much. I think I did that last night. Trying to evaluate things and find my solution.

But then I prayed about it and thought, "the Lord knows me. He knows my struggles and that simplicity is the key."
So that's when I pulled out the NO-S book again. Nothing fancy, just like HE knows I need. No-S really is an answer to my prayers, I believe.
But like what I said earlier, and what you empathize with, Sinnie, it's hard to not give into every "S" with others. But I know that's an area of my life I need to work on anyways: taking care of my needs and saying "no".

I'm always in awe of people who push a plate away. Or who say, "no thanks", or who even say no to requests from people asking them to do stuff. People pleasing, if leaving me shorted, is not working for me.

Sinnie I'm sorry you are "up". I know it's a lower weight, and most would be like, "give me a break", but it's how you feel. I didn't weigh myself, but I'm sure I'm at my high-end, too (125-127). And I just don't feel good.

THis week it's "N days" but I won't beat myself up if an opportunity arises WITH people. If I want it, great, if not, great.

Tonight we are going to the Mariners/Texas Rangers baseball game. That should be fun (and interesting with the 3 kids!). I think I'll just get dinner there. Probably a hot dog (don't like 'em except at the baseball games).

Take care and thanks again, friends.

[Amy3010]

Just do your best, that's all you can do! Hope the baseball game was fun - my father is a big Texas Rangers fan (they live in the D-FW area).

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks Amy.
Had a good day.
All fine and dandy food-wise.
Sort of...

Breakfast:
flat out, 2 eggs, one laughing cow cheese
Lunch:
salad with yesterday's leftover grilled veggies, cheese, olives
sweet potato chips
Dinner at Safeco field (mariners/rangers game):
one italian sausage dog with "the works".

I REALLY wanted dessert but didn't feel like a $10 cup of ice cream.
plus, then my kids would have wanted it and we had already bought them dinner! $$$$$

driving home, i remember i had brought a bag of penguin tummy yummies from trader joe's (gummy candY). a bag to share with all. but we hadn't opened it.

i ate the entire bag driving home. 700 calories.
yes i did the math.

not in front of anyone (well, my kids were in the back of the car asleep).

see, i had dropped off husband at the hospital to drive home his car and i was alone.

with candy. i wonder if i hadn't had the candy, nothing would have happened. it's like i can't be held responsible with it in my hands.
it relaxed me. it was "fun" ?

i won't dwell. just will never lie and always be honest with you all.
but don't worry about the "you're okay liz, no big deal" sympathy. i feel like i have to get it too much and you're tired of me.
because i know better.
but why is that habit so hard to break?

i don't like to succeed?
hm.

well a fun day, regardless.

[Amy3010]

Liz, you sound down! You feel like you aren't entitled to get support from others - that is not true! We are all in this together and we all deserve to get encouragement, no matter how many times we fall down. But this is a mindset we have as people pleasers - god forbid we should ask for too much support or others will get tired of us - I do know how this thinking works, I struggle with it myself.

In the grand scheme of things, that candy you had in your car or those nibbles I had with my husband don't really matter - what does matter is if we allow those things to take us down and get in the mindset of beating ourselves up and feeling "less than". And then feeling like we aren't entitled to get support.

Hang in there!

[BeingGreen]

Hi Liz,
Frankly we could never become tired of listening to a friend who is so honest with us about herself and who is clearly struggling at times. I feel nothing but sympathy and empathy!
I am truly amazed at how difficult it has become to maintain sanity around food in this insane food environment of the 21st century. The temptations of delicious foods where ever I go (even in my pantry) threaten to overwhelm me nearly everyday. It's simply not fair that we can't eat as much of it as we want, and not have it show up on the scale, in pants that are getting tight, etc.
I used to believe I had amazing willpower and I, like you, have had times in my life when I was dangerously thin. But I can't seem to summon anything close to that these days. Right now I am just trying to lean into better choices whenever I can.
Wishing us both some peace with food! (((((hugs))))))

[lbb (Liz)]

Amy & Brianna:
Thank you so much. I really can't say it enough.
I think deep down I'm like "is this for real?"..."are there really people out there who "get" it?".
I guess so! I'm so lucky to have found such great support.

I was thinking today while at the park with some friends how they take a nibble here and there of their kids' lunches. And I'd get there maybe one day...or never, but how I can't share that part of my life with them. And if I did, it would be weird. They wouldn't get it.

So thank you for taking me fails and no fails. Succeses and try-agains.

Today has been good so far. Breakfast, body pump, and I'm about to make lunch. Thing is: days are so busy that it's not usually a problem anyways.

Will eat a dinner of leftovers but treat myself to a caffeine free diet soda for something "sweet" later. Just to ease the blow.

Brianna: you are right about the temptations EVERYWHERE. Not to mention, it's such a social thing to eat. "Let's get dessert, I made cookies, here's a treat..." etc. etc. Even at the baseball game last night I thought how alluring all this awful-for-you food was. And how people were GORGING themselves!

You're also right that I thought I had more willpower, and then I must be getting older or just tired of it and need to accept that I can be powerless at times. And it's okay. I try so hard to be "normal" like my sisters, skinny pals who just taste a bit here and there but it doesn't send them into a tailspin.

Off to make lunch. Just had to say thanks again.

xo

[Sinnie]

I know what you mean about not wanting to hear the whole "it's okay" spiel. But, please know, I truly want to support you regardless of how bad or good you do. When I read you had a rough day, I'm usually like "me too"...and your frankness, your honesty...well, it makes ME feel better because I'm here going, wow, somebody else does that TOO. And it makes me feel less alone. No, you shouldn't have had that bag of candies; neither should've I. I guess that is why we're here. We are just trying to figure out how this can work in the real world, be as normal as possible, when normal isn't natural.

I binged last night. Got stressed, DH was in a bad mood and rubbed off on me yada yada you know the drill. I waited all day to check the boards in anticipation. It almost worked. I ate a one plate dinner and was feeling great. I had to call a friend back and found out she is pregnant (this is the bride who just got married!). Of course I'm thrilled for her, but sad for myself. What do I do? Eat. Then I finally came on here. I'll try not to hijack your thread and finish the details on mine

Always here to listen,
xo Sinnie

[Amy3010]

Hope you are feeling better today, Liz!

I also read vmsurbat's thread a while back and it amazes me how she handles her little mistakes, just acknowlege them and move on. That is also where I strive to be - and I have faith that we are on the right path to get there.

[NoSnacker]

It is so easy to turn to whatever we have on hand after all the stress dies down and no one is around...food is there for comfort.

There is a book I'm reading on willpower, we use willpower all day long with not just food, but people, learning to keep our mouths shut, making decisions all day for our family at work, etc., not just about food but about life, by the end of the day our ego is so deflated we tend to binge on carbs. Interesting read for sure...."Willpower, Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength" by Roy F Baumeister and John Tierney.

Think about it, we all wake up feeling like today is the day, I'm going to not binge! For most by the end of the day, we are bingeing. We are self medicating, comforting ourselves. But we all know that we only feel worse, then wake up saying "today is the day".

Being back here for the 2nd time, I'm truly digging into the why and how I can address that and fix it. As we all know it is not about the food.

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks, NoSnacker, Amy, and Sinnie!
I'll definitely take into account your advice and book recc!

I had a GREEN day yesterday and oh it felt so good. It's amazing even in the morning (now) how much better I feel and just clear-headed.

Nothing too different yesterday other than no bingey foods in the house and I had 3 very fulfilling yummy meals.

I made sure to include healthy fats and a little crunch, too, so that all flavors would be represented.

B: flat wrap, laughing cow cheese, 2 eggs
L: spinach, grilled veggies, feta, olives, sweet potato chips
D: chicken over greens, veggies, feta, olives, quakes rice cakes
E: body pump class

YAY! One day at a time. Not thinking BIG picture. That screws me up.

[lbb (Liz)]

"Motorin" gave me permission to quote from their thread. I love this mod. It would really help relieve my S day anxiety and my anxiety about social eating. But most of all, reward me for NO solitary bingeing. My biggest problem. So alas, I have copied and pasted their words:


Motorin says:

"On second thought, I do think that I will tweak No S very slightly. Since I have a strong history of binge eating and binge eating is a very private activity done in total isolation, I fear succumbing to this on S days. I actually not only fear this, but based on my history know that it is more or less inevitable. Binge eating has been the MAJOR source of my weight gain. I therefore need to, psychologically, reward myself for eating socially.

Therefore, on S days I am going to re-incorporate the No Solitary Snacking mod. This is an extra rule and will probably add some stress. To offset this, I am going to be more lenient on N days.

I do find that sometimes, being on No S can cause me to be a little unsocial at times (although nothing like other diets can cause). For example, having friends over for a meal often involves dessert or some kind of treat. Or going to the movies with friends involves popcorn. Or having a party involves snacks. Or someone's birthday at work involves cake. I know none of those things HAVE to involve food, but they most naturally do. And when they do, I need to use a tremendous amount of willpower to not engage in this social eating. This means that I consciously try to limit social gatherings to weekends only and unconsciously creep into isolating behavior. It is really not practical or healthy to only be social on the weekends. Therefore I will allow myself social occasion snacks, seconds, and sweets on N days if there is an occasion for it. I will account for this by marking my HabitCal calendar with a yellow sign if an event like this comes up.

I know it is dangerous to tweak the system, but my binge eating in isolation is the major source of my being overweight and this plan helps me be more social and hopefully I can cut out the anti-social binge eating.

Worst case scenario is that I take total advantage of this program and every single minor social event turns into an excuse for snacking, sweets, and seconds. Given my personal history, even under this worst case scenario I will be better off than if I binge eat on S - Days. I can do some MAJOR damage (sometimes 10,000 calories or more in a single S-day binge) on S Days. Unfortunately this often leads to the "what the hell" phenomenon and occasionally leaks over to Monday or starts on a Friday.

HabitCal Tracking Summary:

1. N Days get a green in habitcal if I follow Vanilla No S.
2. N Days get a yellow in habitcal if I have seconds/sweets/snacks in social situations. Typically this would be some kind of pre-organized social event, not just random social eating.
3. S Days get a green if I have seconds/sweets/snacks only in the company of others. Note: there does not have to be some kind of special pre-organized event for this to occur. I can eat a doughnut in front of my wife, for example, but not in the car by myself.
4. All else gets a red

A consequence of this is that I can get a red on an S Day. But this is to help me get my S Days under control. "

BRILLIANT!

[Sinnie]

I must second that BRILLIANT!

My problem exactly. Maybe i'll take a crack at it, too.

[Amy3010]

Glad you had a good day! Motorin's idea sounds good - I know you are going to figure out the way to work this best for you, Liz!

[milliem]

Sounds like a great idea for a mod Well done on the continuing green days, and for sticking with it even when things don't go to plan!

[NoSnacker]

Motorin says:

"On second thought, I do think that I will tweak No S very slightly. Since I have a strong history of binge eating and binge eating is a very private activity done in total isolation, I fear succumbing to this on S days. I actually not only fear this, but based on my history know that it is more or less inevitable. Binge eating has been the MAJOR source of my weight gain. I therefore need to, psychologically, reward myself for eating socially.

Wow, I never thought about my binge eating and how it is mostly a private thing when my hubby is taking a nap...then in the evening he would go to the store and buy me whatever I wanted and I would eat it like it was the only thing I really had..sneaking in the kitchen even after all that having a chunk of cheese, etc. Social events are a tad different..when no one is looking I would grab more, or act like no one sees me fill my plate again, or that I had 2 pieces of cake...wow....

Since being on No S he has not asked if I would like anything anymore, but perhaps a diet soda, which of course I oblige...sure thing.

Bingeing sure has many many faces to it...hidden valleys and traps along the way...

But No S is helping bring us back to normalcy as much as possible.

Have a great one..

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks so much for all your support my dear friends!
It really is encouraging!

I know, Deb, isn't that eye-opening to think that really bingeing is done is such privacy, that when brought in the open, it's no longer really a binge.
I, too, at parties go back and forth for more, sneak stuff, etc. Even put stuff in pockets (candy)...blah blah blah.
But then go home and even continue it.
So I like the idea of rewarding for eating in PUBLIC. And RED for me in PRIVATE. I think you know in your heart of hearts what a "binge" entails. Only you may know it, though.

So I'm calling yesterday a GREEN day!
And I say "calling" because I had an unusual dinner...
B: oats
L: chicken avocado salad, rice cakes
D: spinach salad and a huge blondie.
E: yoga.

See, my neighbor brought another famous "BLONDIE" over at about 4pm. YIKES! She's always bringing me treats the nice woman!
I immediately threw it in the freezer. But it kept nagging at me. I should have just tossed it or given it to the kids.
But there were some major stressors leading me to almost just 'screw it all" and eat....
So when dinner came, I put the blondie on my plate with a lighter salad.
And that was it. AND I ate it with my husband. He was all, "that's a weird dinner!?". I know.

Funny thing? I felt SO sick afterwards. I don't know why. I guess too much? But I've DEFINIETLY had more in the past. Hmmm.
Well, that cured what ailed me and I have no desire to eat more of those anytime soon. The lure is gone. REady for a completely VANILLA today.

I think being caught off-guard in vulnerable times (the 4-5 hour) is tough and knowing that I'd let myself have it with dinner or one plate, helped.

[Sinnie]

I think you did great Liz. With regards to that brownie, I have done that before. It can work really well incorporating it into a meal, sometimes, rather than white knuckling until you give in and binge. Actually, when I know dessert is coming, I try especially hard not to overeat at meals so I can still really enjoy the dessert. At the right times it can work amazingly well. Sorry you felt crummy afterward though! Hope everything went well today

[Amy3010]

Sounds like a good strategy for the blondie that was tormenting you from the freezer!

[lbb (Liz)]

@ Amy: so funny when you put it that way :the blondie tormenting me from the freezer! hahah. like a little blonde gal like myself bugging the crap out of me! hahha.

Thanks Sinnie for your support. Sometimes you think, "what's the lesser evil"? Me not bingeing and allowing this and less food, or a crazy binge. Right now I just didn't feel in the right place to be strict. So it worked. I did realize it didn't taste that good. Sometimes when someone gives me something, they spent money on it from a nice bakery, I feel OBLIGATED to eat it even if I don't like it much (would have much rather had a chocolate bar). But it's that obligation thing again, darn it.

So yesterday went well. It was SUPER busy so I felt lucky to get my meals in.
I ended up not eating dinner until later, about 8pm and it was somewhat virtually plated. I would have all fit on one plate, but man I don't like the snitch this/that.
It just turned out that way because I'm "sleep training" my 2 year old. He moved from a crib-bed and I had to "gear up and hurry and eat" to be ready to sit at his door for the next couple hours.
I had no time to make a nice dinner, so I kinda picked, but stopped there. I'm actually proud of myself. Is this what it feels like to listen to my fulness?
Of course I freaked out later and had to calorie count in order to make sure I hadn't gone over-board. Oh that calorie counting helping me feel "in control".!
B: oats
L: spinach chicken salad, rice quakes
D: handful of peanut butter pretzels, flat wrap with turkey/cheese, corn on cob, watermelon, bite of kids' pasta
E: running around at the zoo and kids' fun run...active day

[lbb (Liz)]

Plan for my S day.

I woke up thinking I'd take the boys to donuts for breakfast but after our morning work/jobs, I craved some protein. Not a sugar high immediately.
So I made some eggs. I was proud of myself for listening to my body.
With my N days, I get in a groove of eating the same-old-same-old because I know exactly how it will fill me up. It's scary just saying, I'll have a couple eggs! But I did.

Oh and on S days I want to try to NOT eat any of my day-to-day N day stuff. To make them extra special.

This is the plan for the rest of the day.
B: eggs scrambled with feta, olives
S: Top Pot donuts
L: don't think I'll be hungry for lunch
D: go out with family
S: menchie's serve yourself frozen yogurt

None of my "S"'s will be without people. That's my goal to avoid binge-like behavior. It's harder that way, but good for the future. To take away the eat-like-crazy-cram-it-in style of previous S days.

[lbb (Liz)]

actual s day.
too much food, but no actual bingeing. with people, but embarrassed by amounts.
B: scrambled eggs w/ feta
S: two donuts
L: bag of soy chips (on plate)
S: quesadilla (leftover)
D: 2 fish tacos
S: 2 granola bars
4 choc. chip cookies
2 ice cream cones (mcdonalds small vanilla)
yikes that's hard for me to type out.
i know there is no failure on an S day and i'm not judging, but realized that i couldn't stop with just a little.
need to focus on N days more, then, I guess.

[NoSnacker]

I did the same yesterday, planned my day. Pretty much stuck to my 3 squares and 1 dessert and planned snack. But of course doubled that snack and had some sweet potato chips.

I was not hungry, that is what angers me...that habit is what I would like to work on. I would surely eat my 3 squares and allowed dessert/snack, but eat only if hungry.

A good thing to track here and good that you ate your food in front of people. I think over time it will lesson for you.

In light of things you said no actual binging and that is a good thing...it will all fall into place. It is hard not to judge ourselves, I was not happy either with me, but keeping the focus on we made progress is a good thing...

Too often I have seen people do good for others all the time...they do one wrong thing and guess what everyone remembers, yup "the one bad thing". Keep your eyes on all the goooddddd things you have done. Now, I will apply that to me to and my self belittling

Have a great Sunday..I hope to plan this day out the best I can.

[lbb (Liz)]

I'm totally going to be realistic about today. I have no desire to over-do it in the day-time, so I'll accept that tonight I may just eat a ton.
Which I'll be okay with. This morning, I'll use that to my advantage by not eating yet until I'm hungry.
Then we have church all day, lunch, and husband will be bbq'ing.
I bought ice cream. One tub yesterday for today's dinner.
It's the only treat in the house and since it's our sabbath and I don't go out to the stores today, it's all that's tempting.
Soooooo....add my ice cream loving kids and husband, and I think even if I have more than one serving, which will be likely, once it's gone, it'll be gone!
B: eggs (like those on S days b/c I have too many carbs in other situations)
L: ?
D: bbq chicken, corn on cob, asparagus, bread
S: ice cream.
until it's gone, really. i must be realistic. that won't be hard, like i said with the 4 boys (inc. husband) i live with!
0
Even though tomorrow is Mem Day, it's gonna be a normal day for me. Vanilla No S.
I ordered the Beck Diet solution book to help me with the thoughts. That's where it all starts!

[lbb (Liz)]

Pretty much am sick right now. Though I ate with my husband, we came home from church this afternoon to hungry to make an official lunch after I had made the boys one, I opened the bag of soy chips, ate them all and my husband was having some trader joes peanut butter pretzels. Of course I had a few handfuls. Who knows how many. And then couldnt leave them almost gone. Went and finished them as if it was my duty.
Just because we were outside chatting about some pretty serious stuff and it calmed my anxiety or at least distracted me!
Don't think I'll be hungry for dinner.
Going to vanilla no-s for sure!!
Don't think I can handle mods till i have some bad habits gone!

[Sinnie]

I second that notion - vanilla for me too. I came to the realization that I am not like other people who can have a little of this or that. I am different and struggle with limits when it comes to food. There is no ambiguity if 3 plates only are allowed. I am going to have one dessert on Saturday and Sunday.

Good luck today Liz, I know you will do great.

[oolala53]

OOps, I found it. It's called Can you stay for dinner?

I'm just jumping in without reviewing anything recent to ask what is the name of that blog I think you've referred to about the young woman who has lost about 130 lbs. about 60 of it while living for a year in Italy and walking her ass off?

So did she say it's been two years since this all happened? That is just the first benchmark. Three more to go for a reduction of relapse to 25%. but I think she has a better chance because it wasn't about the scale.

Oh, my, you have been through the food wringer lately, huh. AS I said, I haven't kept up, so what modification of No S outside of Vanilla were you doing?

I know the completely free eating on weekends is a problem for those with a real eating disorder. Reinhard insists that we not even listen to him! I just don't know what the mod should be, but I'm so convinced green Vanilla S days are a good thing. I'm also becoming convinced that further mods on S days should not be thought to have to balanced with less restriction on N days, no, no. Maybe a year down the road? I don't know.

I'll be repeating myself because there are a few people I'm keeping up with, but I'm thinking I have to eat Vanilla all the time unless I am with others on S days, at least for the month of June. It is not always guaranteed I will be with others, but that is motivation for me to get more organized about having a social life and letting some of it involve food so that I can have a dessert with others. Maybe in July I will just not allow eating alone in the car, which is where a lot of the transgressions take place.

Also, just having to accept that I have to determine what a reasonable, moderate amount of sweet food is. Obviously, whole bags eaten at once is not. and I just remembered that I had made some stipulations that had to to with the volume of my fists. I completely forgot about that. I'll have to revisit that before I make my decision about June.

[lbb (Liz)]

Phew. A GREEN N DAY!
And it felt so good and I feel so vulnerable and open and non-numb nor sick.
It's been awhile since that feeling.

Didn't feel hungry for breakfast. Went on a run with a friend and didn't get around to eating until 11:30 a.m.!
(Mind you I ate so much last night, no surprise I wasn't hungry).
2 eggs, a little feta, olives
a couple chips
plum

We got so busy with home repairs, weeding, and chores, that I didn't have time to make a proper meal.

My husband bbq'd later. Chicken, veggies, bread, etc.
It was SOOOOO hard to one-plate it. It's so in-bred in me to finish off my kids' plates, to grab another roll, etc.

But I realize that every bite DOES matter and that doing it THIS way, once, will make it easier the next time.

So I did it folks. Two meals, only, but that's fine.
I went grocery shopping tonight. My husband asked to pick up ice cream and I said, "NOOOO"!. But I did regardless. It's so hard, folks, walking the grocery store aisles and not thinking of grabbing everything and numbing out.
Sorry, produce aisle, you don't "DO" it for me!

Here's to de-glamorizing food! It's not gonna be easy, but I can do it!

Oh and thanks, oolala for your support! Yes, it's been a bit of food saga lately and time to realign. The modification of NO-S outside of Vanilla was "treats with the family". So, basically, Vanilla, but if it was a social thing, I could have a treat. Like at the Mariners game last week, at a baby shower, etc. etc.
BUT, I never just left it at that. Surprise? ! I couldn't. So, it was a no-go.

Yes, oolala. It's important to realize it's NOT reasonable for me to eat a whole bag of, well, anything, unless it's a single-serving thing. On S days I go crazy and eat huge portions. Not so great.

Take care.

[Sinnie]

GO LIZ GO!!!!!!!!!!

That is so awesome! I am immensely proud of you. It is not easy, but boy is it worth it

Let's do it again - one plate, no sweets!?

That was the start of one day which will lead to another successful day.

I was able to do it too, woohooo!

We're getting there - slowly but surely. Have a great day!

[lbb (Liz)]

Thanks, Sinnie!
Your encouragement really helps. It feels amazing I have to say to have that under my belt and to feel clean and un-bloated this morning.
I must remember that!
I was looking at the Beck Solution blog and found some great thoughts I remembered yesterday to help me out:

"It's not okay to do it this one time b/c every single time matters. Every time I eat more ice cream (or whatever) than I had planned, I make it more likely I will eat more the next time too. I need to exercise my resistance muscle, not my giving in muscle."

I honestly felt like I was working out last night. Sitting at the table with my family. Slowly enjoying a hearty good one plate. BUt it was like literally pulling my hands away from grabbing crusts, nibbles, and what would be bingeing....

I think it explains why when I fail, it's so much easier to fail again the next day. Because that "muscle" of giving in is used. And my resistance muscle is getting weaker.

One more thought that really helped yesterday:
"Your body processes every bite of food you eat in the same way whether or not it's your birthday, it's a holiday (in my case, Memorial day yesterday), you're tired, you're stressed, you're celebrating, everyone around you is eating it, it's free, no one is watching, you're on vacation, you're at a party, you're bored, etc. etc."

My body isn't like, "oh ya, LIz, it's memorial day, so i won't count all the nibbles and treats you eat." It doesn't care!

Off to another fantastic GREEN day!

[sarahkay]

Your posts always encourage me!

I am going to remember those quotes. Especially the second one... my body doesn't care what day it is!

Keep it up! It does feel good after an N day, doesn't it? I was having a rough couple days and needed that reminder. Thanks!

[milliem]

Well done on the green day Liz, it can be hard to get back on that wagon sometimes!

Keep working out those mental muscles

[rungirl96]

I am loving the Beck book! I just have to really work at writting down and remembering all the great things I've learned in it. My reading comprehension skills are pretty bad

[NoSnacker]

Yes, the feeling of not bingeing is so awesome the next day..I hope to wake up tomorrow feeling good about it...Still have dinner to go and not sure what we are having yet..always a danger.

So where is the Beck blog? I pretty much read the whole book, picked what I wanted and applied to my life.

Thanks so much for your encouragement...I'm say I'm happy at my weight, but who am I fooling..

Until I stop bingeing, nothing is going to work..so I keep on trying.

Hope you had a great day!

[Sinnie]

I love the thoughts/quotes you posted. I think I need to write them down.

Hope you had a good day and look forward to reading your update!

[oolala53]

I don't know about your family, but it seems that the problem with eating sweets with the family means a lot of opportunities to eat sweets. People eat sweets so often now!

Keep remembering: naturally thin people don't eat others' leftovers. They know they'll get too full. They don't even eat their own leftovers!

Liz, this is all habit. Just because you've done "it" this way doesn't mean you always will.

That's what's so great about No S. It wipes out tons of dysfunctional habits at once, IF you accept that its wisdom surpasses all the other reasons to eat.

We just have too many chances to eat and tons of reasons! We can't try to negotiate them one at a time.

Three reasons! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One delicious plate each.

If you must, load only half your plate before you start and put your kids' leftovers on your plate before you eat them!

[Amy3010]

Good reminder that our bodies don't distinguish between calories on a holiday or calories on a regular day - LOL! There is so much wisdom in the Beck book.

Hope your week is going well!

[lbb (Liz)]

Thank you, Sinnie, Amy, oolala, Deb, run girl, millie, and sarahkay for your undying support and enthusiasm! I think of you and your words throughout the day while "in battle"!

GREEN yesterday! Hooray!
Felt extra hungry, mainly the day before, I didn't eat much.
Stuck to 3 meals, though and made sure I had plenty of food (esp protein) to fill me up.

Breakfast:
2 eggs scrambled with a dash of cheese, a cup of Uncle Sam's cereal with unsweetened almond milk, 1/4th banana, a spoonful of peanut butter
YUM

Lunch:
chicken meatballs, spinach, feta, tomato, cucumber, olives tzatiki salad (could eat this daily it's so good)
a few sweet potato chips
a plum (didn't finish it, was too sour)

After lunch I got the "have I eaten too much diet head?". And wanted to calculate calories. Went to "myfitnesspal" where I have lived for the past 5 years, and then just stopped. Because it always backfires. Sometimes I'll see I'm not eating THAT much and can do more tonight. Or, see how many calories I have and get all diet-y at dinner.
So I refrained!

Anywho, long afternoon of watching my friend's kid, swim lessons, walks to school, etc.
But ended it with a single dinner plate! At 8pm. I was starving.

Chicken wrap (which I didn't finish)
Spinach, feta, tomato, cucumber salad (my staple!)

I'm trying to remember the "HIGH" I felt that morning NOT being bloated. Feeling light and airy. I want to get ADDICTED to THAT high, not the FILL my belly constantly high that has been going on the past few weeks.

Wow there is so much wisdom in the posts from you friends! I wasn't able to sit at the computer last night because my husband uses the desktop to check X-rays, but I was able to read your posts. (It's hard to type on a phone/ipad anything worthwhile!).

I thought so much about them. And oolala thanks again for always seeming to make sense out of nonsense. I love the idea, if I'm really that tempted to finish my kids' plates, to leave a little room for it on my plate. When you put it like that, though, I'm like:"why would I want to use my precious room of plate for their leftovers?". hahaha.
You're right about thin people not eating leftovers, either. I don't need to USE UP everything. Ahhhh...

I think I will write down on my hand ( ) this phrase from oolala:
"Liz, this is all habit. Just because you've done "it" this way doesn't mean you always will.

That's what's so great about No S. It wipes out tons of dysfunctional habits at once, IF you accept that its wisdom surpasses all the other reasons to eat.

We just have too many chances to eat and tons of reasons! We can't try to negotiate them one at a time.

Three reasons! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One delicious plate each. "

It's just so clear-cut and truly, I'm looking here there and everywhere for a way to make this No-S EASY for me, when in all reality, it already is what it is.

I think I've been living with the "exception" stigma. Well, I'm not overweight, so my version of No-S is different. However, it doesn't matter. There are overweight people who don't have food obsession like I do. Who don't get anxiety at the thought of a half-eaten bag of candy. "MUST FINISH!".

Well, I've been humbled and Vanilla feels good. I'm not saying there won't be mishaps, and I'll be realistic about it. But, I'm hoping to stay at "oops", not crashes.

Today will be a good day! I'm a little worried about tonight. I'm co-hosting a baby shower. Basically, was told to make my "famous" mint brownies (with pink peppermint....girl shower). There will be cupcakes, veggies, and fruit. But I'm calling it now: I will eat ahead of time (7:30), take a beverage, and NOT eat at the shower. There is NO GREY LINES. If I am wishy-washy whatsoever, I'll give in.
I will make the brownies this afternoon, set aside one of two for the weekend. They really are a favorite treat, so that will be worthwhile.

[rungirl96]

Well, I've been humbled and Vanilla feels good. I'm not saying there won't be mishaps, and I'll be realistic about it. But, I'm hoping to stay at "oops", not crashes.

Me too! I have to stop my thinking of "I've already made it a red day so I might as well gorge myself while I can". I always end up feeling so awful. I also have that thinking on Sunday's, that I should eat as many sweets as possible because it's my last chance. It's so crazy! We are at no risk in the US for a shortage of junk food and sweets. I have to stop acting like I'll never have them again. Like Beck says, acknowledge the craving and then say "Oh well, not a choice!" I can't let myself contemplate at all because if I do I will give in. And I should know from so many past experiences that moderation doesn't exist for me, not right now.

Will be thinking of you tonight at the baby shower and hoping it goes well.

[oolala53]

Did you make it through the shower? Hope you kept checking in to see that you were actually quite sated. And won't you feel good in the morning? (That's something you can think.)

Yes, being slim is not a reason to make exceptions for yourself. Look at Reinhard. He didn't think when he lost weight that it was time to go ahead and eat more. He's pretty slim now but he says he just about never even considers exceptions even though he could afford them calorie wise. They're not worth the MENTAL effort. As he says, it's too attention-expensive.

You've got so much going for you! It will be really great when this issue takes more of a back seat.

[lbb (Liz)]

Proud to report!
Green!
I resisted treats at the baby shower because I had decided ahead of time I would not eat them. I had a hearty one plate dinner before the shower and just socialized with a bottled water. No one noticed nor cared of course.
I feel great and though it was tough baking brownies, I had a few happy kiddos who I let lick the beaters.
I did put aside a few in the freezer for the weekend.

Thanks for the check-in and wisdom oolala! You're right about it being beneficial to simply establish good habits. I notice thin people saying "no thanks" all the time.
I think I have this complex about being healthy. I always want people to be comfortable around me, so I'll eat a lot. I like to prove , ya I eat all this and still can be thin-ish! But little do people know the real struggle behind the show. Plus, who am I hurting? Only myself.
Wow that was a tangent!
Okay check-in complete and a good one it was!

[Sinnie]

Wow Liz - amazing! I don't know if I could have done it at the shower. Social pressure always gets me. But then again, if it wasn't a sit down dinner, really no one would notice if you're eating or not. I've got this complex that I don't want people to think I diet, so I really understood what you were talking about.

I love your blog still. Your meals look delicious - I am totally making that salad with the feta, olives, tzaiki etc. Mmmmmm. Also, that wrap looked so good - how do you make it? Please share!