Ah, you guys, you don't even know what your support means to me! I would never make it without you all and this fabulous board!
So I have two issues to report from the weekend. One great and one really scary one- or I don't know yet - you'll see..
NoS
Friday-
Massive Success - was planning to take an extra-S day for the whole Valentine's day and the way the whole day went I didn't use it and didn't need it at all! Crazy eh? I never even dreamed of this happening to me!
Sat and Sun
Sat was fine but Sunday.... oh boy....
My boyfriend and I went to the supermarket and bought dinner and a really nice apple crumble as a treat. My bf ate quite a lot over the day and I was holding back a bit for dinner as I was really looking forward to the crumble but I had no small amount of food either and chocolate. Come dinner time he says he doesn't think we should have the crumble as we had quite a lot to eat today and it's for four people and doesn't want to waste it. Sensible enough, but:
I agreed in a somehow regressed state of mind where I immediately felt like a child again. So first I felt really disappointed that my treat has just been taken away and then I realised that I could have insisted but years of feeling like "the fat girl" guilted me into agreeing instead of telling him that he had way more food than me and I deserved my treat. Instead I just ate some extra for dinner and didn't plan on apple crumble.
After dinner he said: " Well, I could actually do with some of the crumble now. Do you want it?"
At which point I snapped. I told him he started to annoy me and then explained how I plan and pace myself for meals and him changing his mind all the time makes it really hard for me and I reminded him of the fact that I won't have any sweets during the week so my weekend treats are very important to me so I don't feel deprived during the week. He totally got it but was also cheated out of a pie as there was no way I could have some after some extra at dinner.
So why is this all weird: it brought up loads of feeling for me from my childhood: how my mum always judged every bit of mine, how my grandparents would soothe me with chocolate when I was hurt or upset, how secretive I became with food and eventually overweight with a really unhealthy relationship with myself and food. I felt judged and not in control of my health and body anymore and it sucks.
I'm moving in with my boyfriend next Saturday so I will have to have a proper talk with him explaining my feelings about this because I need to feel guiltfree and happy and not judged. And he is the kindest, nicest person I know so I know he doesn't mean any of it - I am just being triggered by him. He's put on a bit of weight last year so he wants to lose it and talks a lot of how "we" should go to the gym, and eat healthy and I know he loves my body and doesn't mean I have to do it, it's just more fun for him together, but all I hear is "you're fat".
Any advice at all from your corner? I can only come up with - weekends we eat seperately or he'll have to stick to my fancies if he really doesn't mind. I know I will never ever go back to feeling that way for anyone (otherwise I could just live with my mum
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
) but ideally we'll find a way of dealing with it together.
LAM
Friday -
Success treated myself to the hairdresser.
Saturday -
Success treated myself to a chocolate croissant that I fancied before a day-long birthday party
Sunday -
Success saw a movie I really wanted to see so I could relax after the whole dinner thing