Saturday, May 4
121.4
I want to pat myself on the back for my compliance the past few days. I've been super groggy, which often makes me crave comfort food, plus the stress of reading about alcohol use disorder and many related things is emotionally challenging, plus work is crazy and busy and there is just a lot going on. And yet I made good choices. However, multiple times on each day I had to exercise willpower. A big thing is that my husband, who is also trying to quit drinking, has been making cookies EVERY DAMN NIGHT and eating a big bowl of ice cream with cookies on it. That's all well and good for him, but not for me. So many many times I've had to self-talk, "no I don't eat that on an N Day". I had to exercise willpower an uncommon number of times to avoid junk food that was in my face at work too. The night I ate Indian food, which was freaking awesome, was my crowning achievement. Although that is not a typical N Day dinner for me, it hit the spot, stayed within the fence of the law, and gave me a dopamine hit that helped keep me from drinking alcohol that night.
All this combined with resisting wine all week leaves me with, I'm imagining, very weakened willpower muscles this morning. At least it's an S Day!!!
I have made an appointment with a substance abuse counselor. Well, actually, my little county doesn't have much available that way (if I want insurance to cover some of it, that is), and so when I looked him up he mostly talks about family therapy and individual therapy and he sounds a little hippy. But truly, what I will really need help with is managing my marriage and my parenting in the months to come as I change my relationship with alcohol. So he could be a good support to me as I figure out how to navigate my closest relationships moving forward. My biggest regret about my habitual drinking is the example it has set for my children - that they see alcohol as the normal way to handle stress or fatigue or anger or any damn emotion. The stats for them are not good. I bear that guilt and have to find a way to forgive myself and hopefully repair some of that damage. With so much substance abuse in my family, I think there is a good chance they have inherited a predisposition to my behavior. And dang it, my husband's behavior. There. I've said it. He really needs to do something too, and he is giving a half-hearted effort right now, but I can tell he is not to the "done with it" stage that somehow I've come to recently. Anyway, I can only change myself, and that will be hard enough to do. I need to get the log out of my own eye instead of fixating on what he needs to do. But believe me, dealing with that tricky part of this equation will be something I'm really wanting guidance from this counselor for.
I work from home on Fridays and yesterday I got very very little done work-wise. I guess I took a self-care day. I took a bath and read in the tub for an hour. Then I took a 2 hour nap. I mowed the lawn to get my body moving a little bit, and finally later in the day I did some grocery shopping. So. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I probably need this self-care time, but I do feel concerned I've set myself up for more stress down the road by not getting enough done yesterday.
I feel like I now understand that this grogginesss is specifically a result of my alcohol withdrawal. Putting it in that spotlight reminds me that alcohol is the reason I feel groggy. If I hadn't gotten to that habitual point with my drinking, I would not be suffering like this right now.
The biohacker in me is trying out "Brain Octane Oil" as a morning supplement in my coffee in an effort to deal with the morning grogginess. It is 100% C8 caprylic acid triglycerides. That means there are 8 carbons in each fatty acid (shorter than most triglycerides). This is a medium chain saturated fatty acid that directly can be used by the liver and the brain for energy (as opposed to longer chain fatty acids that need more processing). I think it could be useful for my healing liver and brain in these next few weeks. I added it to my coffee, along with my normal milk, and it tastes fine. However, it's a little oily and I had to wipe my mouth when I finished drinking the cup. And I only used 1 teaspoon (the directions say to work up to 1 TBSP so as to avoid diarrhea).
Anyway, it's worth a try and these sorts of experiments enliven me; that alone is useful during this hard time.
Eating
B: coffee w/milk & brain octane oil, bacon, eggs & hashbrowns
L: leftover fried chicken and a glass of milk
D: (will be) possibly fish, broccoli, and maybe tortilla chips w/guac
Moving
I'm really not feeling the energy for too much of anything. I think my body is healing and I need to listen to it. A gentle walk would be a good idea, or even just the ordinary movement of housework.
Health Issues that most likely have been influenced/worsened by alcohol:
*weight gain in my 30's
*insulin resistance leading to prediabetes
*kidney stone development
*gut dysbiosis leading to C.dif
*mild kidney disease
*aging of my skin - wrinklier, drier skin than I would expect at my age
*rosacea - some red patches on my skin and the tip of my nose
*heartburn
*prematurely gray hair
*headaches
*prehypertension
Yikes. That's a long list. I need to refer to this list in the future when I am tempted to let alcohol lure me back.
Another list I want to keep, while I'm thinking about this. I do NOT want to go through withdrawal again. The first week without alcohol, I had a freaking massive horrible wanna die headache EVERY day. I only just remembered this, because the second week I didn't have a single headache. Yay! But with the pain of the headaches gone, the grogginess is what I've dealt with. Please I hope this doesn't last too long. I will say that I felt MUCH perkier this morning than I have. Maybe it was the brain octane stuff, but it also could have been that yesterday I was gentle with myself, and took a long nap, and then just took another nap today too!