Linda's daily check-in

[Octavia]

Just popping by to say hi! Hope you’re well.

Totally in agreement with Clarinetgal! To keep off 40lb is an awesome achievement. There can’t be many who’ve managed that! X

[lpearlmom]

Thanks everyone for the supportive replies. Ive been all over the place with my eating and up about 5 lbs despite being very consistent with my exercise. Funnily enough ive decided I want to give NoS another go. I guess it’s not that surprising. Im reading a book by a neuroscientist about why diets don’t work. It’s very interesting although i knew most of it already thanks to my obsession over the topic. She’s puts it all together very nicely though. Anyway, It seems like she concludes that mindful eating is the solution but i got something very different. She talks about willpower vs habits and it was clear to me why NoS can be so successful. I mean thats the whole point of NoS right habits over pure willpower which is so limited.

So I decided i want to try to reestablish my habits and see if i can get back to a better place with my eating. Maybe that along with my exercise and good food choices, will help me lose a little weight too but at this point i really just want sanity & peace back. Okay yeah and10 lbs leas would be wonderful. My mod is going to be one small snack before bed but im using smaller plates so itll be 4 small meals basically. Im also going to keep to the 4 plates during the weekends but will allow sweets on those plates if desired. I really cant do free for all days anymore. They dont feel good and my habits from N days never did carry into my S days. It seems like nobody really goes off the rails on s days anymore (on the board) though so i should be in good company. Ill take a couple days a year completely off like thanksgiving.

I just hope i can stick to it. Im tired of constantly thinking about my eating and weight. Its taking up a lot of emotional energy and brain power. It’s exhausting really.

Other than that things have been well very good and very bad. We lost one of our older dogs, Tikka (our wofdog) recently and its been tough. We thought she had a hip problem all this time and that it was getting worse. We took her into the vet on Tuesday to get it checcked out and it turned out she had bone cancer. Her back leg was broken and her other leg was heading in that direction. She was in so much pain and would continue to be so for the rest of her life wo we made the very difficult decision to put her down. It was so hard but we knew it was the right thing to do. Doc and i had taken turns laying with her the night before and she was in obvious severe pain. Thats no way to live. All of us were in the room with her during the process of letting her go. Im glad she wasnt alone and that she knew she was loved. Our dogs are a huge part of our family life so it’s been hard. She was such a sweet and beautiful dog. I made a memorial slideshow which is on my Instagram. It’s helped with the healing. So have cupcake and tessa. Poor tessa. Im sure she misses her friend. They've been together for 9 yrs. we are giving her lots of extra love and attention though.

In happier news, the girls have made up and they’re getting along better than they ever have. I think with therapy, meds and maybe a little maturity they’re both in a better place. They definitely missed each other and are spending time together like real friends. They will continue having some sessions together though just to make sure they stay in a good place. Sweetpea said having the realization that rosebud is annoying because thats just her personality has been a huge revelation for her. I think before she thought it was purposefully directed towards her in an attempt to make her mad or something. Funny how a mind shift can make all the difference.

Nothing else really going on other than the pandemic and an upcoming election that has so much riding on it. The girls start up school next week. They’ll both do the first semester online and we will see after that. We are still on lockdown as much as possible. A couple ppl at docs work have gotten covid but so far he’s managed to stay healthy. Im looking forward to having some structure back in our lives. Ive been getting stuff done in a haphazard way.

That’s really it for now. I’m glad to be back and will post often for accountability. Now I need to see what everyone else has been up to!

[pinkhippie]

Hi Linda! I am happy to see you back! I have thought of you often and have wondered how you were doing. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Tikka. Please accept my condolences. Sending healing thoughts to you and your family.

I am glad to hear that your girls are getting along better now. That must be such a load of stress off of you.

I have been realizing the power of habits lately too. I think they really do make a difference, and it is why I keep coming back to No S as well.

I am glad to hear that Doc is staying healthy! The pandemic is certainly ramping up in our area as well. My girls are doing online for at least the first semester also.

Anway, thank you for coming to update, I hope you have an enjoyable weekend.

[alene1]

Linda, I'm so glad that your girls are doing so much better. That is awesome. I know it has been a real source of stress for you. Glad that doc has been staying healthy. I know it has to be hard with him on the front lines. I'm so glad you're back and will look forward to following along with your journey.

[automatedeating]

Linda, my heart goes out to you and your family on the loss of your wonderful and sweet Tikka. I am glad you all were able to be with her in the room to say goodbye.

[lpearlmom]

Thanks hippie, auto & alene! It’s good to be back.

Oh boy did i speak too soon though. The girls had a fight last night and I stupidly tried to intervene which probably made things worse. Now Rosebud isnt talking to me or sweetpea. Hopefully their therapist will help us get back on track. I knew the peace wasn’t going to last forever.

I woke up feeling really badly about the whole thing. We had zoom happy hour last night and I couldn’t help but feel like the alcohol made me handle the whole thing worse than I normally would. Ive definitely been drinking more since quarantine started and am now thinking i want to take a closer look at that before things get out of hand. Im reading some great sober lit, podcasts and blogs. It’s all very fascinating to hear about others journeys. The thought of giving up drinking completely is a little scary. It’s such a big part of my social life and even my marriage. We love to go out to eat and try fancy drinks but I'm excited about finding another way to relate to people. Im also tired of not being able to sleep well when i drink too much and feeling groggy the next day. Not sure what I’ll decide but definitely worth taking a look at.

Oh also doc woke up feeling a bit unwell. He will probably need to get tested tomorrow. Oh the drama just never stops.

Break: artichoke & mushroom frittata, ww toast, watermelon
Snack: handful of chips with salsa, nectarine
Dinner: 2 slices cauliflower crust pizza; small bowl tomato soup, coconut water
Dessert: small bowl of ice cream

I always feel guilt after eating ice cream for some reason. Old diet thoughts i guess.

[Octavia]

Hi Linda,
I’m so, so sorry to hear about your lovely Tikka. Such sad news. These creatures bring such sweetness and love into our lives. Huge hugs to you and condolences to all the family.

Always good to hear your updates. I too am definitely drinking more these days. A glass of wine most nights, and it does have an impact on sleep...which then affects everything! I hope you’ll find the No S structure helpful and peace-giving. I’ve certainly used less mental energy on eating and dieting etc. this last month, when I’ve returned to the vanilla routine. I think you’re right that habit is stronger than willpower, and nothing helps habits more than structure! Maybe that’s why I found Dr Glenn Livingston’s books lacking in something...he claimed that the mental trick of ‘caging’ the ‘inner pig’ by ignoring its ‘squeals’ (I cant quite remember if you’ve read his stuff) means you’re NOT using willpower, as willpower is all about making decisions. But I think willpower is about more than that. Even if we’ve pre-decided to ignore all urges, it still requires a big dose of inner strength to bypass one’s own compulsions, and if you’re doing that randomly throughout the day it just gets exhausting. I find (on a good day!) the No S structure naturally damps my bad compulsions as it replaces them with a new compulsion - to be hungry for a really nice meal.

I’m not sure I ever managed to have sane S days and I probably never will. I find I start the weekend with some residual No S sanity, thinking ‘why would I spoil my lunch by having a snack’? But by late Saturday afternoon, I’m at the chocolate again, and it quickly degenerates from that point on. Actually that’s where I do agree with Dr Glenn, who said that to the inner pig, an amber light is a green light! It certainly is for me!

Sorry for rambling on, and do hope the girls get back on track soon and you have a great week. X

[Jen1974]

I’m so sorry about your dog. They are such a part of the family & it’s so hard to say goodbye!! Me too on the drinking a bit more. I had cut WAY back before COVID & did a pretty good job in the beginning but with summer & travel I’ve noticed my numbers creeping back up. I like the Rachel Hart podcast. It helped me cut back!! I’m not entirely sure where I want to be, but cutting it out all together isn’t my goal. I do want to know how to have fun & be happy without though!! My parents have lost that skill & would choosing having drinks over seeing us because they don’t want to drink & drive.

[pinkhippie]

Sorry to hear that your girls had a fight. Two teenage girls must be so challenging! I can barely handle my one. I will get to find out about two teenage girls in a few years though. I know how hard it is not to intervene though. One thing I have really been working on with my teenager is disengaging from her emotional drama. Boy its hard! I just want my kids to be happy. I hope sweetpea and rosebud can work it out and that their therapist can help.


I hope that Doc feels better. If he does get tested, I also hope he gets to find out his test results soon!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks Octavia! I haven’t heard about dr livingston but not sure how i feel about the whole inner pig thing. Anyway, i have heard we have a limited amount of willpower so when we’re trying to lose weight we have to use all of our willpower and usually our willpower eventually runs out and we break our diet. It seems like the ppl that do restrict successfully for years essentially make it a full time job. But if you can just create doable habits that result in weight loss over time, you can override the need for willpower. In any case thats the idea I think. Right there with you on the S days. Its a relief not to take them actually.

Thx Jen. Ill checkout that podcast. Ive been listening to the naked mind & it’s kinda blowing my mind. Sucks about your parents though.

Thanks hippie!

Well doc tested positive. Hes okay so far. Just achey, a little fever& cough. He's moved into the guest wing. The girls are still fighting. Another fight today. Honestly rosebud is being a total jerk. It’s kind of breaking my heart. I do remember Sweetpea’s sophomore year being very difficult.

Omg, bring on 2021 cuz this year sucks.

In better news I'm getting really excited about a possible future sober life. The more i learn about alcohol, the less i want any part of. Im currently reading The Unexpected Joys of Being Sober, listening to The Naked Mind podcast & reading The unpickled blog. It’s really exciting to explore this new way of thinking about drinking or not drinking. These women dispel the myths that you have to become boring without booze, that you need to be an alcoholic to have a troubled relationship with booze & other mind bending ideas.

I know im not physically addicted but i have strong emotional ties to alcohol especially in social situations. I think ive convinced myself that im not interesting or fun when sober. Thats just not true. If anything, it’s probably the opposite. Anyway i had been getting in the habit of drinking wine almost daily. Just a couple of glasses most nights but sometimes I throw a cocktail in there. Most times it’s not a problem till it is. I think ive made it part of my identity. I was a oarty girl in HS and even more so i college and im that person thats always up for a drink.

I haven’t had anything since sat which isnt very long but i feel great. Sleeping great, more energy and i had the best workout this morning. We are supposed to go to sedona next week and if we still do, I’ll probably let myself have some wine but for sure not till then. Apparently im in the “pink cloud” and itll get harder around month 1-2 but if i can push through past 3 months. It’ll supposedly get a lot easier again. Anyway not sure I want to completely abstain but its an interesting journey either way.

Okay, tomorrow will be better, right?

Break: small spinach/blueberry smoothie
Lunch: tuna melt, handful of chips, nectarine
Dinner: Bowl of minestrone soup. 2 pieces ww toast
Dessert: 1 granola bar, fruit

Exercise: 30 min jog (cant believe i can run for 30 mins now no problem).

[Jen1974]

Nice work on the 30 minute jog!! Too bad on the positive test! At least he most likely doesn’t need to worry about catching it again!!

[automatedeating]

Oh gosh, you are very calm about Doc. I hope he has a quick and smooth recovery.

Exciting about your No Alcohol Journey!

[pinkhippie]

Oh I am so sorry to hear about Doc! I hope he feels better, recovers quickly and that you guys are OK. Are you going to be tested as well? I am sorry to hear the girls are fighting. That is so stressful! My younger girls have been fighting a lot today too and it makes me want to run away.

That is so great all the benefits you are noticing with not drinking. And jog for 30 minutes? I am so impressed! That is my ultimate someday goal.

[alene1]

Linda, I am so very sorry that doc tested positive. I hope he has a quick and smooth recovery. I really hope you or the girls don't also get it. Do you need to quarantine for 2 weeks? I'm so excited for your no drinking exploration. It sounds like a lot of positive things are happening there. Take care!

[Octavia]

All the best from me too, for Doc’s speedy recovery. X

[lpearlmom]

Thx Jen, I guess the words still out on immunity but hopefully!

Thank you auto. I have to say that your alcohol free journey planted a seed in me awhile ago & has been so inspiring. If you have any reading, podcasts or blog recommendations please pass them on!

Thank you hippie! I used to be a really good runner and it feels great be gettimg that back a little.

Yes Alene we are all quarantining for 2 weeks. The sad thing is we’ve all been somso careful but im sure he got it at the hospital.

Thank you Octavia!

Well doc is still sick but hanging in there. The rest of us are still symptom free thank goodness. Im on day 5 of my booze free experiment and i feel so good. Strangely my eating has really fallen into place too. I see a lot of parallels with overeating and over drinking. They are both a way of distracting yourself from dealing with genuine feelings. Maybe its a way of trying to protect myself. Even the dieting and constant quest to be smaller can be a kind of distraction and addicting in it’s own way. Anyway, it’s all very exciting and interesting, but I definitely am feeling better.

Oh and we are all made up and getting along for now!

Break: toast, yogurt w berries
Lunch: veggie burger, chips, apple
Dinner: bowl of scallop stir fry w rice, coconut water
Dessert: an apple, granola bar, tea

[automatedeating]

Linda - I ABSOLUTELY was hit with wave after wave or realization on the many parallels and similarities between overeating and overdrinking during the first 6 months (especially) of my no-acohol year. In fact, I wrote about it all the time on my thread. People were of course supportive but I could tell it wasn't like "ooooh woow let's talk about that more." ..... But I promise you I could not turn around for months without being struck by yet another similarity between overeating and overdrinking. You could read posts on the forum from all of us and often substitute alcohol for food. Shocking overlaps.

I loved a few of the books you have already read. Do you remember I bought myself a Kindle as a gift to not drink, and I imagined myself with my Diet Sprite in my backyard reading last summer? And I did read so much!
And I took a lot of bubble baths in the early days to distract myself from wanting wine.
From my Kindle, here are some I read:
*Mrs D is going without (this is a fun, good read) - then she has a sequel that I haven't read
*This Naked Mind (I think you already read this one)
*The unexpected joy of being sober (same - you already read, yes?)
*The Easy Way to control alcohol (for me, this one was meh)
*The Sober Diaries
*Stumbling into Sobriety
I think there were many others from Kindle Unlimited that I had to return, so unfortunately, I don't have the history on those. That's a drawback of Kindle Unlimited. I wish there was a "reading history" button like my podcast app has.
As I'm going through my kindle, it's funny to see my interests/obsessions and how they shift. Last summer was all about psychology (drinking and depression -- this awesome book called "It's Not Always Depression" that I read twice through), then after that my books shift to dog training and puppy raising. Haha

P.S. Update and edit - I am toying with quiting again. I drink wine pretty much every night again.

[pinkhippie]

Hi Linda! It sounds like you are having some good realizations about overeating and overdrinking.

It is definitely a way to protect yourself from feelings and the quest to be smaller is for sure a distraction! And I know right now, as much as we all try to go about our daily lives, there is a constant current of stress thrumming behind the background due to the pandemic and other things going on in the world right now. (And this is on top of our daily issues and stresses we already had) It has to be affecting us, even if we don't consciously realize it. I realized the other day while talking to a good friend that I have been on a constant quest for distraction/obsessions.

I am glad you are all getting along better! Im glad you are all symptom free too!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks for the great feedback auto. I’ve read a lot about how when you hear that little voice try to talk you into having “just one glass of wine” it’s really your addiction talking and not the true you. I started thinking how that same little voice that tells me “just one bite” off plate of something is fine. I mean the key difference of course is that we have to have food to survive and of course we are all better off without alcohol. But while I don’t think food is addictive in itself (maybe sugar though?) , I do think our subconscious tries to keep us stuck in the unhealthy behaviors of overeating , over restricting, obsessing cycle because it’s safe & keeps us numb, distracted from perceived fears, true emotions etc... I think I’m mainly speaking for myself here but yes definitely see some parallels.

Thanks for the book suggestions. I read and absolutely loved the joys of being sober. She seems like someone I’d love to hang out with. I’m in the middle of The Naked mind which is mind blowing . I’ll check out the rest. But yes I’m the same way, I get so super obsessed in certain things—politics, IF, zero waste etc and then bam it’s just over & I have no interest in pursuing it any longer. It’s like I can’t even control it. I’m just really worried this will happen with alcohol. I really hope not because I just feel so much dang better.

I told myself I could drink next weekend on our vacation (if we go) but I don’t even want to at this point. We shall see. I’m lucky because we have a couple that we hang out with all the time and the husband is sober. The wife drinks but not much. I’ve always felt self-conscious drinking around him which was probably a red flag now that I look back. Ugh, I think of all embarrassing & stupid things I’ve done while drinking. Why did I think it was a good idea to continue. Once I drank so much in New Orleans that I passed out while sitting on the toilet and broke my nose. DH likes to tell that story because he thinks it’s hilarious. It always makes me cringe though. I think he likes me being this free spirited and adventurous girl and he thinks my drinking is part of that. I think I thought that too but now I’m realizing I don’t think I need alcohol to be those things. That’s just the story I told myself.

Thanks Hippie! This really rang true for me “ there is a constant current of stress thrumming behind the background due to the pandemic and other things going on in the world right now”. We are all carrying around this extra layer of stress right now which probably effects us in ways we don’t even fully realize.

DH had a really bad day yesterday & was the first day I really was worrying about him. My friend did say days 7-10 were the worst for her husband so I’m hoping we just need to hang in there a few more days (today is day .

I haven’t felt like doing much of anything these last couple of days. My house is pretty clean though so I’m just going to go with it for now. Hello Netflix!

Yesterday:

Brunch; green smoothie, veggie sausage, ww toast
Dinner; leftover stir fry & sushi
Dessert: ramekin full of French fries (DH craved a hamburger so I shared a small fry with rosebud).

Exercise; 30 min run (woot!)

PS I’m down 3 lbs since last Friday! The fact that this was an afterthought is exciting to me.
Also, last night o was laying in bed critiquing myself for having a couple tastes of something off plate. I mean like 2-3 really tiny bites. And then I was like wait that’s still like a 99% for your day. Why are you beating yourself up? Then I acknowledged all the great things I’ve been doing—exercising consistently, staying on plan 95-100% of the time, 5 alcohol free days, not to mention dealing with two intense teens and helping a husband get through covid. It’s a lot and I need to give myself a little more credit. Why is this so hard for so many of us. Idk but I do feel proud of myself.

[pinkhippie]

I love the positive self-talk that you did when you realized you were criticizing yourself. That is so great! That is also a great habit to get into. Being aware of our negative thoughts about ourselves or our eating and course-correcting into positive thoughts. I think over time that can make a huge difference. I do that same exact thing with obsessions. I know I mentioned it before, but it's just so true. And then yes bam its over.

I am sorry to hear that doc is having such a hard time. I am sending healthy feel better vibes his way.

[Jen1974]

Your poor husband!! Hope he’s doing better today!! I so agree on using food & alcohol to feel better/different!! It’s awesome you’ve been loving life without!! I still don’t know where I want to be, but do like the “glass ceiling” idea that Reinhard talks about!!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks hippie. I’m glad I’m not alone in my obsession tendencies.

Thx Jen. I definitely thought I would just try to moderate my drinking , and I still may, but after reading The Naked Mind, I really just don’t want to drink at all at this point. I can’t recommend it enough.

Oh dear! I had a bit of a panic because the site was down (at least on my end) for most of the day. I thought crap, I’m going to lose all that journaling plus I have no way of getting a hold of anyone.

Well doc had another bad day and I started having symptoms as well so had to get tested today. Boy does that test suck. Omg, I feel like someone poured a gallon of water up my nose and I still have a headache from it.

Ate lots of chocolate but no wine. Day 8 here I come. I do not miss alcohol one bit. Yay! I can’t believe my husband has covid and I prob have covid but I’m still somehow feeling okay. I really think alcohol was a massive contributor to my depression.

Bagel
Impossible burger, fries
A lot, a lot of chocolate covered almonds

[Jen1974]

I hope your husband feels better soon & that you have mild symptoms if you do get it!!

For me less alcohol=more chocolate !!

I too think I feel better during that day & sleep better at night without

[pinkhippie]

The site was down for me too! I had the same thoughts. How will I ever connect with anyone on here again if it stays down? I was glad it came up.

I am so sorry that your husband is still feeling bad and that you are starting to feel symptoms. I have heard the test is terrible, I hope that your symptoms continue to stay mild. I am glad that you are feeling positive and good.

[alene1]

Linda, thinking of you and hoping you are all doing okay.

[Octavia]

The site was down for me, too - and I panicked a little, thinking how will we all reconnect? We’d have to start new Facebook accounts under our No S names, and hope we find each other!

Gosh Linda, that COVID test sounds like an ordeal! Brave lady. Thinking about you and doc. I do hope this awful illness passes soon.

[lpearlmom]

Thanks you guys! Super tired but my test came back negative and doc has finally (after a few horrible days) turned a corner. Was really scary for a bit, but he’s so much better today.

Need to sleeeep...

[Jen1974]

Glad your test was negative & your husband is feeling better!!!

[pinkhippie]

Im glad your test was negative and that doc is feeling better. That does sound really scary. I have been thinking about you guys and I am glad to hear that you are both feeling better.

[lpearlmom]

Thank you hippie & jen!

Doc continues to improve so I definitely feel like we are out of the woods. Thank goodness!

My eating has been off the rails but i guess thats not too surprising.

Hopefully tomorrow ill get back on track !

[alene1]

Wonderful news, Linda! I'm so glad that he has gotten past the worst of it, and that you tested negative.

[automatedeating]

So glad to hear Doc is on the mend!!

Octavia said:

The site was down for me, too - and I panicked a little, thinking how will we all reconnect? We’d have to start new Facebook accounts under our No S names, and hope we find each other!

Oh my yes! Is there a Facebook page for NoS? There must be.

[Octavia]

I think there is a Facebook page, but I’ve never looked into it. Must check.

Oh Linda, I’m so pleased you tested negative, and that Doc has turned a corner. This is wonderful news. You must be pretty darned exhausted though, with the sheer worry. Hugs.

[lpearlmom]

Yes, there is a fb page. I know oolala is on there so that’s the plan then. If the site goes down for more than a couple of days, we all meet there! *phew*

Thx Octavia, alene & auto! He continues to improve today and i think he will be able to come out of his covid cave by the weekend. Boy, was that scary. I know it must have been awful because he told me it was absolutely miserable he was and he never complains. Always mr stoic. I really thought he was going to end up in the hospital as his oxygen was getting pretty low. Luckily, we have lots of medical friends and they were checking on him constantly ready to bring him oxygen or iv fluids if necessary. Ppl have really just been so kind. His mom on the other hand drove me crazy. I know she was just worried about doc but i really hate being treated like an idiot. Sigh, oh well.

Anyway ive just slept and ate for the last two days. I think the stress of all that worrying did just finally catch up with me. Not looking forward t o my weekly weigh in tomorrow but will try to go easy on myself. Looking forward to getting back to exercise and the sanity of nos though for sure!

Im on day 11 of being AF (alcohol free) and it’s pretty exciting! I committed to a 100 day af challenge which means i have to post on that forum daily. I also have an accountability partner whom I text daily. Listening to other ppls stories, i realize that i am pretty tame in comparison but the point is you don’t have to hit rock bottom in order to make a change. My accountability partner was drinking 10-12 drinks a day and is worried about liver damage. Ugh, i dont want that to be my future. But nobody plans for that future. Alcohol is an addictive substance in which nobody is immune from. Anyway, im not sure how long I want to give up alcohol but im curious who i am without it. It’s been a crutch for too long especially in social situations.

Okay bedtime!

Break: toast
Lunch: watermelon, nectarine, crackers
Dinner: large piece of pizza
Dessert: ice cream, froyo, chocolate

[automatedeating]

I agree that the horror/stress/uncertainty you've been through with Doc probably wiped you out and is why you need a lot of extra sleep; however, I will share that my first couple of months without drinking I slept so much more! I took naps almost every day!!!! And I slept like a rock. I kept wondering when my energy would return. It took about 2 months.

[pinkhippie]

I am so glad that doc is doing better! And I am so glad that you had such supportive friends who were also Dr's keeping an eye on him. That is great!

It's good to know about the FB page! I am a weirdo for my privacy on FB... like I don't want anyone knowing what groups I belong to, so I dont' know if I will join but I am glad to know it's there.

Congratulations on 11 days of being alcohol-free!

[Octavia]

Not surprised you are sleeping and eating lots, Linda. You probably need to restore yourself after this incredibly challenging time. You must be a little infuriated with doc’s mother...sounds like you’ve been a more than competent nurse!

I like what you said about not having to hit rock bottom in order to make a change. That really resonates with me, especially regarding my habit of negativity and anxiety. I’m OK, but could do a lot better!

Hope you have a great weekend and all the best to your brave husband.

[lpearlmom]

Thank you Octavia & hippie!

Auto: yeah, im wondering if that’s part of my sleepiness too.

All is good. Doc got cleared to go back to work. Probably just clinic and paperwork this week. I don’t think he’s quite ready to do surgery.

Im on day 15 AF & feel pretty good. It’s been pretty easy so far, but the true test will be when we start to socialize again. Going to a nice dinner without wine? Vacations without cocktails? Weddings without champagne? Those all sound very difficult but growth is painful right? Originally i thought i just wanted to cut back but learning about how hard alcohol is on our bodies has me rethinking that. Maybe just a couple times a year. I don't know. For now im going to focus on how i feel during this 100 day challenge.

My weight is up but im not surprised as ive been eating, eating, eating. I have been back on track the last two days though which happens to coincide with when doc officially came out of quarantine. Coincidence?

Anyway, onward.

Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: falafel, Baba ghanoush, veggies
Dinner: goulash
Dessert: kind bar

Exercise: 30 min run

[automatedeating]

I forgot to mention that in my first month AF I had ice cream every night!! I realized I had used alcohol as my "sweet" and even evening calories. It's funny how I have forgotten so much of it, but your commitment reminds me of that time.

[pinkhippie]

Glad you are doing good!

It's funny but as I got older I started to feel like my blood sugar was WAY more affected by alcohol and I think that is why I almost never drink anymore. it's like, well... I could have this ice cream and cookie or I could have a wine cooler or beer or whatever. I ALWAYS choose the cookie.

[lpearlmom]

Auto: Yeah, I definitely craved sweets for the first week & hear this is pretty common. It’s calmed down but Im still very sleepy midday.

Hippie: I was very much the opposite. Id pick a cocktail over a dessert anytime.

I don’t know why but lately when i try to post i just kinda draw a blank. My feelings are just kinda all over the place. On the one hand, im feeling so good physically. My skin is looking better, my depression is lifting, im feeling more confident. But on the other hand my girls are still driving me crazy. I need to get out of the house I think. Maybe ill just go for a long drive or something.

I’ve been reading so much QuitLit. Ive just completely immersed myself in it. It’s like this whole other world of AF happiness & authenticity out there. I swear ive been using alcohol to socialize since i was a teen. Im kind of excited to see what it’s like without it. I mean obviously ive socialized with friends during the day but going to weddings, parties, fancy dinners have always been lubricated with wine.

Well my weight is going down again & hopefully it’ll continue. Ive been reading Alcohol Explained and it’s a fantastic book. It talks a lot about how alcohol effects weight. I had no idea just how bad it was. Apparently your body stores all the calories from alcohol as fat. Not only that but any food you eat while drinking alcohol is also stored as fat. Anyway i think that's what it says. A lot of info but he also has a diet/fitness book that is equally as fascinating. Im learning so much about cravings & nutrition.

Boy i feel like a scatterbrain right now. I just cant focus but wanted to pop on & see how everyone was doing.

19 days AF. (Alcohol free)

Break: apple, nuts
Lunch: quesadilla, sf mocha
Dinner: salad w arugula, quinoa, grilled portobello mushrooms


Exercise: 30 min treadmill—hike/run

[Octavia]

Great to hear your news Linda! I for one am doing fine. Thanks for sharing your discoveries on alcohol - quite sobering (ha! Sorry... ) to read that all those empty calories turn to fat, and it’s made me wonder if I should cut down - I don’t drink that much but I’ve been regarding the occasional evening glass of wine as a free, green treat. Which it clearly isn’t!

Impressed by your progress - it’s great that you’re feeling better physically, and I hope the psychological side improves too, which I’m sure it will. This is such a great project!

My own ‘Lit‘ obsession currently is mindfulness. There’s probably an overlap here with what you’re reading. I have to stop anxiously planning and fretting. I’ll only achieve my goals by relaxing and enjoying the present moment. Current book is Mindfulness for Creativity by Danny Penman.

Hope your weekend goes well!

[pinkhippie]

Thanks for popping in Linda! I am glad to hear how you are doing.

I know what you mean about the girls driving you crazy. I think a long drive could be a great idea! It sounds like time to yourself away from your house could be hugely beneficial. I hope you have a good and peaceful weekend!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks Octavia! So glad you’re doing well. Alcohol can definitely be problematic for one’s weight but I doubt an occasional glass of wine is too big of a deal really. I think that’s really cool your delving into mindfulness. It’s talked about a lot in the sober community. I think it can be so helpful for so many things.

Thx hippie! Doc & I went for a drive to Cave Creek which is a cute little artsy/western town in the middle of the desert. It was nice but I’m just still very stressed out over Rosebud.

We had a big fight 3 weeks ago which actually led to my decision to take a closer look at my relationship to alcohol. She was fighting with sweetpea over who knows what & sweetpea had an absolute meltdown. She feels like rosebud rules the house and get whatever she wants. Since I had been drinking I wasn’t thinking clearly & was feeling a lot of guilt. Guilt because a part of me thinks sweetpea might be right. Rosebud does get away with bossing us all around & she can be fairly demanding at times. Opposite of sweetpea. Opposite of me so I think she takes advantage of our easy going personalities sometimes.

Anyway, at that point rosebud had cupcake in her room and it was sweetpeas night to have her. Sweetpea was freaking out and I had to physically remove her from in front of rosebuds door & then I told rosebud to open her door, but there was silence. I continued to tell her to open her door and as the silence continued I got more and more frantic till I was screaming and pounding on her door. At that point I yelled to doc to come help even though it was the beginning of his covid & he wasn’t feeling great (before we had tests results). He opened the door with a tool and rosebud was on the floor curled up. Later she told me she had had a panic attack which made me feel even more horrible about my actions.

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday and doc was looking for a tool which he remembered was in rosebuds room from that night. When I went to retrieve it, I found out she had been using it to lock her door. She demanded we then put a lock back on her door. I asked doc if he would do that so he went to talk to her about the importance of opening the door when we ask her to. I realize now that doc didn’t realize what was happening at the time of the incident. All he heard was me screaming for him to get her door open. That must have been very scary for him.

Well his talk wIth her did not go well. She insisted she never has to open her door for anyone and basically told him off. He left and now she’s saying she won’t talk to us till her lock goes back on. On the one hand, I see how childish she’s being. It’s like holding your breath till you get what you want. On the other, I do understand the importance of having privacy but is it like a child’s right? I keep thinking about families that all sleep in one room together. It’s a privilege to have your own room with a locked door, right? Idk, I’m just sad that we seem to have constant turmoil in this family. I know the fact that we’ve all been together non-stop for 5 months is not helping. I’m going to talk to their therapist on Tuesday and hoping she can give me some guidance.

Sorry that was ridiculously long and boring but I just needed to get it down to help clarify everything.

[pinkhippie]

Oh man that sounds tough! I think with the locked door its probably different for every family. I know in our house the kids aren't allowed to lock the doors except for the bathroom door because they share it with each other. I also know that some families would probably think that wasn't right. My view has always been ultimately, this is our house and although your room is a safe space, we should always be able to go in there if we need to, therefore NO locks. I hope the therapist can give you some guidance.

Big hugs, that sounds like a lot to deal with and also this is YOUR journal. You use it how you need to. We just have the privilege of reading it. So don't worry about being boring. (although I don't think its boring at all, especially as I can relate to the raising teenager struggles).

[lpearlmom]

Thanks hippie! Actually knowing that you don’t allow your kids to lock their doors makes me feel better. I just never know if im on the right track with parenting & am always second guessing myself. Probably because I had such a lack of any boundaries growing up. I kind of just figured everything out for myself and sometimes I think im expecting my kids to do the same. Parenting is the hardest thing ive ever done by a long shot.

Well rosebud & I made up thank goodness. She even admitted that she should have opened the door when i first asked her to. She’s still upset with her dad but hopefully theyll work it out.

Gosh, I was so lazy today. My reflux has been pretty much nonexistent since quitting alcohol so yesterday I wanted to see if i could bring some caffeine back into my life and i got a chai latte. Well it didn’t go so well. I did get a bit of reflux and it really messed with my sleep. Ugh, I cant believe I used to drink caffeine everyday. I guess ill stay quit. I do think alcohol may have been a big cause of my reflux though. Now that i think about it, this all started when we got back from Hawaii where we drank a ton. My bil & sil were with is and they love to drink so we’re encouraging us to do the same every night. By the end of that trip i was so sick of drinking. Jeez ill be alcohol free and caffeine free, how boring can I get? I was actually thinking of trying to quit sugar but taht is probably taking on too much right now.

I also ate a lot today. I think im frustrated with the scale. I feel like im doing all the right things yet the scale is stuck right at 170. I just need to be persistent though. Itll happen.

Break; yogurt, fruit, muesli, sf mocha
Snack: couple handfuls nuts, apple
Dinner: beyond beef brat, grilled veggies, af wine
Dessert: handful of chocolate chips, couple chocolate covered pretzels

Exercise: does floating in the pool count?

[Octavia]

Really glad to hear that Rosebud came round. That’s a great result. So difficult with the issue of the lock. I think I agree with Pink, I’d rather not have locks, and my DD doesn’t have one (if that information is of any use). But whatever you decide, you’ll handle it well. Intuition is all we have in these tricky matters.

Sorry to hear the reflux returned! It’s the last thing you need right now! Yes, probably best to put of ditching the sugar till life has calmed down a bit! I hope today goes well for you. Give that uncooperative scale a good hard kick from me. X

[automatedeating]

Floating in the pool counts.

Sheesh, those girls give you a run for your money.

My very best combination for heartburn is: wine + pizza

[lpearlmom]

Thanks Octavia, we’ve been getting along really well. Doc put her lock back on with the understanding that she needs to open it when asked to. It’s just a very simple lock so easy to pick if needed but I don’t think that’ll happen again.

Auto: funny how everyone seems to have their own triggers for reflux. Tomato based stuff doesn’t bother me just caffeine, carbonation, alcohol, cream sauces, & sometimes spicy. But honestly the combo of no alcohol and no caffeine is golden. Pretty much zero symptoms if I do that. Not easy but doable.

Uggghhh, im struggling SO much right now. My eating is just off the rails & i cannot seem to be able to stick to any plan. It’s just rebellion, rebellion, rebellion. It’s a gosh darn revolution happening right there in my brain. Of course my weight is going up accordingly. So frustrating.

Im not sure what’s going on. Is it because. I dont have my nightly glass (or 3) of wine to numb me out so im trying to numb out with food? Am i just burnt out on trying to control my eating ? Today I felt like i was trying to use it to get some space. I just could not get a minute alone and it was driving me crazy. Every time I thought i had a couple minutes to myself somebody would come into my space and start talking to me. I feel badly because it’s my family trying to spend time with me. Who wouldn’t want that? But im afraid if i dont learn to create boundaries, im going to gain even more weight. Every time i got frustrated id grab food as if to say see im eating so you have to leave me alone.

Anyway, hopefully i can calm my eating down a bit. I did start seeing a therapist. Actually she’s the same therapist my girls are seeing. Seems odd but somehow it works. She didn’t seem to think i needed to stop drinking though. It’s funny how ppl think the only reason you’d want to stop is if you were an alcoholic or something. All i know is my depression has lifted (despite my eating issues) , im sleeping better , less guilt and my skin looks amazing!

Im day 24 AF but im not even going to write down what i ate today. Suffice it to say that it was a lot!

[alene1]

Linda, it's totally normal to be craving some "me" time right now with all this going on. I hope you can find a little of that. Maybe your husband can be on duty while you go out for a walk at night. I'm glad things have settled down with the girls. I know for me when I was drinking wine regularly that it took the place of eating for me. I definitely ate less. It makes sense that you need something to temporarily fill the void while you find new ways to cope with tension and stress. Just do your best and things will settle!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks for the support Alene!

Today was SO much better! I had tons of energy today and my appetite was back to normal. Yesterday i just felt insatiable. I also ended up getting a bunch of quiet time as the girls were in their room busy with school stuff most of the day and doc had to work late. We just had leftovers so i didnt even have to cook dinner.

I also got a lot done around the house which always makes me feel better. I deep cleaned the kitchen & the pantry and got some laundry done. Back to sanity—for now.

Oh and my weight was several pounds less than i was expecting so that was a relief. Not sure why. Maybe the payoff from exercising and/or quitting alcohol is finally paying off a little? I’ve been thinking and researching a lot about alcohol. Trying to figure out the risks and possible benefits to drinking or if there are any pros at all. It seems like very moderate drinking is probably fine and may even have some slight benefits. I think im going to finish up my 100 day AF challenge and then reassess what i want to do. Ideally id like to take a year off just to really see how i feel and prove to myself i can cope in various social situations without drinking. I think i may wait till the first of the year though just to make it a cleaner start. We shall see!

25 days AF

Break: blueberry/spinach smoothie
Lunch: 2 apples, cashews
Dinner: veggie butger
Dessert: tea, almond seed bar (Only 100 cals)

Exercise: 30 min walk run treadmill

[pinkhippie]

I am glad you are feeling better! It sounds like some alone time might have been exactly what you needed. I have been doing some deep cleaning too and it is VERY satisfying. I am glad your weight wasn't where you thought it would be too. That is a nice bonus.

[lpearlmom]

Thx hippie!

Another nice day.

Break: banana, handful nuts
Lunch; veggie patty, blueberry smoothie, grapes
Dinner: sw black bean soup
Dessert; apple, 2 almond bars, tea

Exercise: 30 min treadmill walk/run

[pinkhippie]

Glad you had a nice day! What are the almond bars? They sound good.

[lpearlmom]

Thx hippie. Theyre almond seeded bars that are kind of like biscotti but softer. They’re good & satisfying. Not sure if you have a Trader Joe’s near you but that’s where I got them.

My eating is still all over the place and my weight is on the high end. Im a little bummed out but decided to just back way up and make things stupid easy Once i start to get into a good groove i can build off that success and slowly make changes that will better help me meet my goals. I think ive trying to do too much which just isn’t going to work at a time my motivation is so low. Im just sticking to 3 regular sized plates plus one small one for dessert. Im not worrying about sweets, fasting windows or drinks or even quality of food although i think i eat pretty healthy anyway. Today was a green day so i guess that’s a good start.

AF 29 days

Breakfast: Yogurt, fruit, muesli & 2 veggie sausages
Lunch: blueberry smoothie, 1/2 tuna melt
Dinner: broccoli & tofu stirfry, rice, leftover sea bass, 1/2 corn
Dessert: 1 cookie, fruit

Exercise: 30 min treadmill walk/run

[oolala53]

This is going to sound outrageous and impossible in your situation but the ex-boyfriend of a friend, a very cool guy, recovered alcoholic, and a successful junior high teacher with excellent rapport with his students, was a single dad with full custody. His ex had big drug problems. HIs high school daughter in her freshman or sophomore year had some kind of run-in over drugs and he- you'll be horrified- took the door OFF her room. She asked when she would get it back and he said when you have earned my trust again. I'm not sure when she got it back but she stayed, graduated, and was in community college- which was quite a feat given what her younger years with her mother had been- when I lost touch. But he had been her sole parent for a long time and they actually had few problems before that. Maybe that's why she didn't end up just running away! or just not talking to him or making his life hell in some other way. And she saw that with both their histories, even getting near drugs was a serious risk.

I don't know if you'll relate to it or not because it uses really annoying labels/imagery, but I will soon be starting a program to learn to be a coach with a program based on the book Never Binge Again, free on Amazon. The founder calls it an alpha dog program, one that uses a lot of cognitive power to refute the eating urges that are pretty much all the doing of the lizard/lower survival brain. He says You, the prefrontal cortex You, calls the shots, much like Reinhard says hunger is like a wild animal to be tamed. He is against cutting calories a lot, which is so often associated with bingeing, the absolute first habit to tame. I hit it at a funny time in my development which I'll write about on my thread. He has his bias about what constitutes good eating, and follows a rather radical program himself, but supports people according to their choices and teaches how to deal with all the excuses we come up with not to stick to our best thought-out plan. He has suggestions for how to handle wanting to change and evolve the plan. Anyway, if you aren't worn out by books, at least the electronic version is free.

Big hugs!

[lpearlmom]

I’m not too horrified. Doc has threaten to take the girls door off more than once for slamming it. Luckily it’s never come to that.

Cool about you becoming a coach! I’ve seen that book a bunch in amazon but never read it. I actually don’t binge and haven’t done so for many years. Sometimes it just gets a bit chaotic but usually it’s just a response to me trying to over restrict. The bottom line is that my body just wants and feels comfortable at a higher weight than I feel like I should be due to societal pressure. Hopefully we can come to a compromise and meet somewhere in the middle but my plan to back off is working well. My eating has calmed down a bunch and my weight is stabilizing.

[pinkhippie]

oolala sounds very interesting! I have that book and I have NOT been able to get through it. I don't know why. It's one of the few eating books that I have trouble reading. I know that is usually a sign that it is something that I need to read if I am resistant to it. Its on my list!

Linda, I am the same as you, I don't really binge anymore and haven't for a long time, just eat more than I need sometimes in response to my (usually unconscious) restricting.

I love your idea of keeping it stupid easy. I think I am doing the same thing right now too.

[lpearlmom]

Thanks hippie! I feel like we’re often on the same page.

Today went well. I think part of why ive been so hungry is just the added exercise. I think I haven’t been taking that into account which is all about that self care stuff right?

31 days AF
13k steps

Breakfast: scrambled eggs, toast, yogurt & fruit
Lunch: blueberry smoothie, 1/2 tuna sandwich, handful quinoa chips
Dinner: edamame hummus & tofu wtap, bbq chips, shrimp cocktail

Exercise: 8-8-5 minute run intervals

[Octavia]

I love your idea of keeping it stupid easy. I think I am doing the same thing right now too.

This really resonates with me! I’m really not ‘efforting’ at the moment, keeping things as easy as I can. I think it’s the only way - trying harder to eat less just backfires.

Interesting to read your responses to the Never Binge Again book, Linda, Pink and Oolala.

[pinkhippie]

Linda, I often feel we are on the same page too! It's also so helpful to be able to come on here and discuss these things about food and relationship with food and self and all that with like-minded people. I am noticing on days I exercise hard, that I am usually more hungry as well. Feeding your body well aka enough! is definitely part of self care!

[lpearlmom]

Octavia & hippie: thanks for the support.

Things are going pretty well. Everyone is getting along although doc and i had a big fight over the weekend. We rarely fight so it always shakes me up when it happens but all is well now.

My doctor upped my wellbutrin and i felt amazing today. I hope that feeling continues as im now at max dosage.

Im on day 38 of being AF and is been really great. I feel my confidence growing and it’s carrying over into other aspects of my life. Im learning to be more assertive and ask for what i need. Therapy is helping too although my last session left me feeling gutted. More on that another time. Its late and i need to sleep.

Breakfast: figs, handful of nuts
Lunch: couple bites of shrimp & slaw
Dinner: veggie Burger with mushrooms and avocado
Dessert: tea and 2 seeded almond bars

Exercise: 14k steps— walk dogs & run 20 mins/walk 10

[Octavia]

Glad to hear that the tablets are helping, Linda. Therapy sounds challenging - I hope that difficult session bears fruit and you gain some helpful insight from it. I’m so impressed by your AF journey! Sounds like it’s taking you to a good place. I’d love to be more assertive myself. But I’m always finding reasons not to bother...it’s a sort of laziness...or maybe I just hate confrontations. I have to learn. Do pass on any handy tips!

[pinkhippie]

I am glad things are going well and everyone is getting along, and I am glad that you worked things out with doc. Fighting with my husband is one of the worst feelings in the world, so I can imagine that it would shake you up.

Glad the Wellbutrin is helping and therapy also.

As I am sure you have experienced, it seems that the therapies that leave you feeling gutted are usually the best and most amazing sessions that really lead to personal growth. I hope you get good sleep and get some good self care in!

[automatedeating]

Sweet dreams, Linda! You're going through a lot and sleep is often the best medicine!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks for the support auto, Octavia & hippie! Octavia, I don’t have any great advice, but it definitely feels empowering.

The reason i felt so upset after that therapy session is my therapist told me that both girls craved more discipline at home. I can’t even tell you what a huge failure it made me feel like. I wrote a whole thing about it on my AF board so don’t really feel like rehashing it all but im feeling a little better. Im making the girl’s take responsibility little by little. Baby steps.

This week I started EDMR with her and boy is that a lot of work. So draining but I do think it’s going to help me a lot.

My eating and exercising are going well & everyone is still getting along. The girls even hung out together and did school side by side. Oh rosebud goes back to in person school on the 28th. Not sure how i feel about it but our numbers are pretty good here. We shall see!

My weight is being stubborn but i figure I just have to be more stubborn. Im sure menopause is a factor. I got my period after 250 days without it. Talk about hormones!

Break: sf mocha
Dinner: sushi, noodles, salad
Dessert: chocolate covered cherries, grapes

Exercise : walked dogs, treadmill 25 run/10 min walk
14k steps

[automatedeating]

My weight is being stubborn but i figure I just have to be more stubborn.

How does Cupcake do when you walk her with Tessa?

[lpearlmom]

Auto: cupcake and tessa do great on the walk together. In fact it’s about the only time that cupcake can get in tessas face without put being rebuked. They are very cute but cupcake is in heat now so Im super nervous that some male dog is going to pounce on her. Ill be glad when we get her spayed.

Well I wasn’t very stubborn today. I think my nerves got the better of me. We went to our neighbors for dinner and it’s the first time in a long time we’ve been social. I was surprised how anxious i felt afterward. I just had a lot of nervous energy that i wanted to eat my way through apparently. I tend to analyze everything i did and say after a social event. People pleaser syndrome? I just really like these ppl.

Im on day 41 of no booze. I haven’t had any urges lately but i did feel slightly pressured. My neighbors daughter is 25 and for some reason we just really bonded. Usually we drink a lot of wine and talk about everything. I could tell she was a little disappointed that i wasn't drinking but it was totally fine. I noticed im a little quieter and reserved but i also listen better so maybe it’s a good thing. Anyway then she was planning a wine tasting weekend with her mom next year and wanted me to come along. Im not sure ill be drinking next year. I haven’t decided but it’s interesting how much of our social life involves drinking.

Oh well i ate a lot but not stressing about it. Tomorrow is a new day.

[automatedeating]

I've joined a 30-day "reset" challenge and one of the parameters is no alcohol. I'm looking forward to a nice break again from wine. Although (and this perhaps is a good sign) I am MORE nervous about giving up dairy for a month. OMG talk about NEVER.DONE.THAT. But I'm willing to try it to see if my fasting blood sugars improve without it (it's unlikely, in my opinion, but worth a shot).

I completely relate to your social anxiety and I hate it. My best way of sidestepping it is to focus on being the best listener I can. That leaves little room for me to over-analyze later that night. But it takes so much energy for me to be a good listener, haha!

[pinkhippie]

Linda I can imagine how hard that was to hear what the therapist said. I try my best to be a good mom too and that would be a huge blow. I am glad you have been working it out. I am always struggling with making my girls take more responsibility as well. I think I have swung too much the other way because the way I was raised, I pretty much had to be the adult, and I didn't want my kids to have to do that as well. Ahh well, we do the best we can with what we have and when we receive new information we learn and adjust. Sounds like that is what you are doing, so that is definitely not failing. Big hugs!

I have terrible post social anxiety! I analyze everything I said and everything they said and always worry that I said something dumb or offensive, or I didn't listen as well as I should have. I can be really excellent in social situations like auto said, asking lots of interested questions and not talking much about myself. But, also like auto says, that is draining too! I just try to remember that most people are actually more focused on themselves than on me and they are probably not thinking about it like I am.

Its great that you recognized that you were anxious afterward and that you wanted to eat your way through it. Being aware is so important! You can't improve if you aren't aware.

[lpearlmom]

Thanks for the support auto and hippie. It’s good to know Im not alone. Hippie, that’s exactly the way i was raised and I tried to give them the life that I so craved & yes i went a little overboard.

I dont want to jinx it but the girls are getting along so well right now. A lot of it is that rosebud is just being kinder and that seems to be going a long way.

Well sunday I ended up eating ALL day like I couldn’t stop. I know it’s backlash from me trying to fast again last week & as I lay in bed last night with a stomachache I realized that i cannot do this one more day. I cannot diet for another moment. I have put so much time and energy into literally trying to make myself smaller for other ppl. Im so done. My body keeps coming back to the same weight. Clearly thats where im meant to be. Im certain that if I hadn’t been on so many extreme diets, my set point would be lower but i cant change the past.

Ive been dieting since i was 10 years old. Ive tried just about everything. When i was in high school it was not uncommon for me to limit myself to 800 calories a day. Can you imagine? Ive spent a huge chunk of my life centered around my weight. In fact, i think im kind of addicted to dieting. It’s a great distraction and it makes happiness seem so simple. Just reach a certain weight and your life will suddenly and magically become perfect. Well we all know that doesn’t work out. I wonder where i would be if i spent all that time and energy on something more meaningful. Im just done. Im putting down the sword In this losing battle.

I just want to eat normally. I want to follow my own advice in my tagline. Back to vanilla but with regular sized plates and no goal trying to lose weight. I just want consistency and a stable weight. I want food back in it’s normal place. I want to make sure i eat enough to get me through to the next meal but not so much that im not hungry for my next meal because thats sort of joyless. Im going to continue my exercising because i love how it makes me feel. If i miss a day its not the end of the world. Im just so tired of trying to fit into this narrow mold thats just a construct of societies impossible standards for women.

Well i guess it’s obvious ive been thinking a lot and ready for some sanity back in my life. I guess ive come full circle and back to the first place that ever gave me any sanity with my eating. It feels really good to have made the decision to stop trying to lose weight and just focus on having normal eating patterns. I dont think i ever want to skip a meal again.

I want to stick around but have to be honest. Sometimes when i read threads with weights posted or talk about weight loss especially when i know you all weigh less than me, it can be super triggering so if i skip some of your threads for awhile, please dont take it personally.

More later.

Break: smoothie, toast, egg
Lunch: tuna sandwich, chips & salsa, apple
Dinner: grilled miso salmon, rice, Caesar salad
(1 bite of cookie)

Exercise: walked dogs ; 10 k steps

[Jen1974]

Linda I absolutely loved your post!! I have zero interest in trying to manipulate my body to be something it’s not meant to be anymore either, I’m just trying to figure out how to eat in a way that leaves me feeling my best! I loved what you said about not being hungry for meals being joyless, that is so true & something I’ve had to work on!! I think after so much time trying to under eat I have a hard time waiting for hunger & stopping at enough. There’s a part of me that still feels it has to get it while it can.

I also think that hearing about others trying to lose weight is a trigger to fall back into old patterns so I totally get why you’d want to avoid that!! For me it eventually wasn’t a trigger anymore. I have this feeling of “that is for them that is not for me” where I completely understand why “they” would want that & even realize that restriction maybe is their happy, but I know now that it’s not mine!!

[Jen1974]

And me too on the post social anxiety!! It’s always nice to hear that lots of us do this. I try to remind myself of this when I’m beating myself up over something I said or didn’t say

[automatedeating]

I want food back in it’s normal place. I want to make sure i eat enough to get me through to the next meal but not so much that im not hungry for my next meal because thats sort of joyless. Im going to continue my exercising because i love how it makes me feel.

Bravo!

[pinkhippie]

Linda I am not surprised we were raised the same way. Seems like sometimes we have similar stuff come up in our parenting.

I loved everything you said! I feel the same, and that has been my goal for a while too. I CAN imagine only eating 800 calories a day because I have been there in the past. I am also working on being hungry enough for meals. Its such a delicate balance! I hope it becomes more automatic as external factors (like weight)_ stop playing a role and I am able to focus more on my internal factors ( like hunger)

[Octavia]

Linda I absolutely loved your post!! I have zero interest in trying to manipulate my body to be something it’s not meant to be anymore either, I’m just trying to figure out how to eat in a way that leaves me feeling my best! I loved what you said about not being hungry for meals being joyless, that is so true & something I’ve had to work on!! I think after so much time trying to under eat I have a hard time waiting for hunger & stopping at enough. There’s a part of me that still feels it has to get it while it can.

I also think that hearing about others trying to lose weight is a trigger to fall back into old patterns so I totally get why you’d want to avoid that!! For me it eventually wasn’t a trigger anymore. I have this feeling of “that is for them that is not for me” where I completely understand why “they” would want that & even realize that restriction maybe is their happy, but I know now that it’s not mine!!

Jen, Linda, Auto, Pink, I feel like you’re defining sanity with your current posts. It’s helping me because I’m not losing weight, and I need to refocus on sanity and health. We must keep on encouraging each other!

[lpearlmom]

I was a little nervous to post that because it just seemed a little intense but really awesome to get so much support. I guess that’s what I love about this board. It’s more about a healthy relationship with food than losing weight.

Octavia: I agree! I was reading an article about how most ppl aren’t actually happier once they reach their goal weight and in fact some ppl end up more depressed. So why are we chasing this often unattainable goal that cost so much and gives so little?

Hippie: ugh, on the starvation diets. I guess it’s fairly common. It’s been great to watch you move in the direction of self-compassion. I hope that I can get there too.

Jen: I love that you’re on the same page. It’s so understandable that it’s hard to stop after all those years of under-eating. That’s why I think nos is so much better for recovering from chronic dieting than intuitive eating. It gives us boundaries but without actual deprivation and the security of having regular meals will eventually help us relax enough to leave food in our plate. In fact I noticed with patients recovering from eating disorders they have them stick to regular well balanced meals similar to nos.

Auto:


Today was good. I keep thinking yay, I’ve got another meal coming in a few hours, and yay I don’t have to restrict when I do eat! And yay, I don’t ever have to try to manipulate my weight again. I can stop obsessing about food and a number on a scale and just live my life. I know I’m in the honeymoon phase and it’ll get tough but for now I’m enjoying it.

Day 45 AF

Break: oatmeal, veggie sausage
Lunch: salad with tuna and avocado, ww crackers , banana
Dinner: chana saag, yogurt w/fruit
Dessert: 2 seeded almond bars, tea

I put the almond bars on the same plate as my dinner but ate it later. I’m still trying to figure out if I should have a small dessert each night so I don’t feel like I need to gorge on sweets on the weekend or if it’s better to save treats. I’ll experiment to see what feels right.

Exercise: walk dogs 20 mins; treadmill-20 mins run; 10 mins walk
Steps: 13k

[lpearlmom]

I just feel so exhausted & drained. The last few days ive been dealing with a problem with Rosebud’s meds, the girl’s emotional issues, the dog’s ear infection and then when i got the mail yesterday I had a notice saying our car insurance was cancelled. It ended up being a mistake, but for a hot minute there i was thoroughly stressed. Then today I went to talk to the girls’ therapist and she told me upsetting stuff about sweetpea which once again sent me into an emotional spiral.

When i got home I talked to doc about it and he really put it into perspective for me so i started t calm down. He also reminded me that we were both way more of a hot mess at her age then she is. Also, When i talked to sweetpea I realized it wasn’t quite as dramatic as their therapist seemed to think it was. I love the therapist but boy does she throw me into a panic on a weekly basis. I think i need a break from her to be honest.

Anyway, all is well for now & Im turning in early tonight. I wasn’t really hungry at lunch time but reminded myself that I dint want to skip any meals so just had a light lunch.

AF 46 days. I do t really miss drinking at all. I never thought Id say that so thats pretty cool. I just finished listening to “Girl walks into a bar” and boy did that make me feel like a lightweight. Really good book.

Break: cinnamon raisin toast with cream cheese, yogurt with fruit & muesli
Lunch: popcorn, yogurt, grapes
Dinner: 1/2 impossible burger, couple sweet potato fries, cilantro salad
Dessert: small piece of granola pumpkin spice bark, 1 almond spice bar

Exercise: walked dogs 30 mins

[lpearlmom]

Nothing much to report. No drama though so I’ll take it.

Breakfast: toast, fruit, yogurt
Lunch: avocado & black bean salad, grapes
Dinner: mushroom-tofu burger, sweet potato tots, grapes
Dessert: chocolate biscotti, almond seeded bar, tea

Walked , too tired to run today but hopefully tomorrow.

RIP RGB

[automatedeating]

I remember how often I was shocked at just how much people drank (when reading the memoirs).

[Octavia]

Brilliant results Linda, with your alcohol-free streak. I really admire you - I think I’d find it very hard to give up alcohol, and it’s not even my worst weakness. Glad to hear there’s no drama going on today! Same here. Long may it continue.

[oolala53]

It is so easy for me to feel deflated by some other people's reactions to me, and I don't have anybody at home to tell me I'm fine! I had normally been one to just say what I wanted earlier in life but as years have gone on, I've shrunk back, yet still end up bursting out with something that I feel I can't hold back anymore. Then it goes through my mind for hours afterwards. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, though I have to admit I probably suffer more afterwards when I do speak out. Is it a kind of binge for me? Painful to put up with the urge for, but worse to give in to? I've understood recently that the idea that happy people don't dwell in the past means the immediate past as well. I used to unconsciously think that that ruminating would somehow help me solve the problem, maybe next time, but it never has. Seeing that has helped me be more willing to shift my attention away from the rehash, though it's work. Per a meditation course I'm in, I'm supposed to say Cancel, Cancel when I find myself at odd times during the day having worrisome thoughts (but not during meditation; during that, I just go back to the "meditative object", which could be my breath in the nose, sensations in my heart area, considered to be the center of the chest, or other body-oriented targets. The body is always in the present! But sometimes I feel discouraged at the thought that I will have to work at recovering from my gaffes forever- oops, Cancel Cancel.

I'm putting some reflections on Never Binge Again on my thread because they were too long for here, I decided.

When I read that section about your having gotten a notice that your car insurance was canceled, I did a double take, and it's not even my insurance! So glad it was a mistake.

'Have a great week.

[lpearlmom]

Auto: i know. cant imagine what that does to one’s body.

Octavia: thank you. The longer i go without drinking, the less i want to drink. It’s really just so nice and as long as i have my fake tequila im happy.

Oolala: thanks for stopping by.

We are slowly opening up our social circle as the numbers in AZ continue to look good. We’re letting sweetpea see her bf and rosebud see her best friend. We’re also seeing our neighbors who are like family to us. We went to an outdoor patio on Saturday for one of their bdays & it was so nice. The husband is sober so it makes not drinking really easy. I had a horchata and had no desire to have the sangria the others were drinking. I was a bit quieter than when i drink but thats the real me and it’s fine. Anyway it was so nice to eat out!

Things are going fine. I did weigh myself and my weight is stable so that’s good. Im interested in what the scale says but in a detached, curious way. As long as it doesn’t go up a bunch, i, fine with it.

I started researching about bipolar disorder to help sweetpea out and its been very enlightening. A lot of her behaviors that make me feel like i failed as a parent, seem to actually be classic symptoms of her diagnosis. Its really helping me to look at this all differently. Instead of trying to fix the symptoms like her erratic school performance, her “laziness” , her total lack of confidence and her sometimes disturbing disregard for cleanliness by nagging, i need to help her manage her disorder so that things will improve in all areas of her life. It’s really such a relief. I feel like her & I along with her doctors can be a team to tackle her issues. Today i talked with her about how she was feeling, if her meds were helping and of she was liking her therapist. This seems like a better approach than trying to force her to behave in a way that just may not be possible for her right now. I even did some laundry for her today. She didn’t ask me to but i thought it might help. I know her therapist said that she would eventually do her laundry when she ran out of clothes but I swear I haven’t seen her do laundry in months. Yeah, i know. I think that what works for most kids, may not work for her.

Anyway, today was good. Doc has been so helpful lately. It’s so interesting to see that ppl continue to change & evolve. I think when ppl grow bored of their spouses, theyre just not paying attention. Anyway, he made us all breakfast and cleaned the kitchen. He helped me other things today too & he’s just been so appreciative of me lately. Maybe it was the covid brush with death that did it.

AF 49 days

Break: veg chorizo omelette, toast, figs (I was stuffed!)
Lunch: yogurt m fruit
Dinner: zucchini noodle lasagna, salad, watermelon,
Dessert: small ramekin of chocolate chips

Exercise: walked dogs 30 mins
Treadmill: 20 min run, 10 min walk

[Octavia]

Hi Linda,
I really respect your intuitive parenting style. I have to say, I never managed to get my DD to do laundry, pick up rubbish, tidy up after herself, keep her room respectable, or indeed help out round the house in any way. I could see that she was using massive amounts of energy and willpower in coping with other things: mainly dealing with the challenges of school and friendships. I know other parents probably thought I was too permissive and lax, but they did not know my DD and what she was dealing with. So I totally understand why you did sweetpea’s laundry for her. Also in my experience, if you try to leave it so they run out of clothes and are forced to do it, they just become more and more overwhelmed and unable to act! But I truly think they do learn from your acts of kindness.

Great to hear that you’re spending quality time with your lovely neighbours, and the girls are seeing their friends! Hope your week goes well.

[lpearlmom]

Yes, Octavia you totally get it. I was so happy to see sweetpea in clean clothes today. Her mood was really good today. I’m reading a lot about bipolar disorders and it’s really helping me to understand her different moods. It all just makes so much more sense now. I’m surprised that her therapist seems so alarmed by some of her behaviors. To me it seems like we should be focusing on how to get her disorder under control. Anyway, I do feel like I can help her much better now.

Today was good. It was so nice to eat light today after a weekend of some heavy eating. Im really so much happier when I eat light and healthy.

Break: oatmeal w/ fruit
Lunch: blueberry-spinach smoothie, protein patty in lettuce wrap, grapes
Dinner: tuna melt, Buffalo cauliflower bites, grapes
Dessert: biscotti w/ tea

Exercise: walk dogs 20 mins; Treadmill-27 mins run,6 mins walk
Total steps: 17k

[automatedeating]

You had a good day! I'm so glad to see that! Look at all those steps!

[pinkhippie]

Hi Linda!

I am glad to read of your realizations with parenting sweetpea. It feels so good when we feel like we are doing the right thing for our child and have a path to follow.

I am glad you enjoyed your lighter eating too. I have definitely had my heavier eating this weekend and week but I think sometimes our bodies(or maybe minds or both) just need that.

Your step count is amazing!

[lpearlmom]

Ohmygoodness... yes i did have that good day but things went off the rails just after that. I really haven’t felt up to writing about it but the girls got into an ugly fight which caused sweetpea to spiral for a bit. Shes now on anti-depressants and boy does she seem much better.

My eating has been off the rails and my exercise has been sporadic but i did start a 5k training program which is exciting. Going to regroup tomorrow.

What a news day huh.

Day 61 AF
Ate.lots.of.food. Yup

[Octavia]

What a news day huh.

It certainly was! Here in the UK, too...

Glad to hear that the antidepressants are helping sweetpea, Linda. Hope your weekend goes well!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks so much Octavia! If we dont get a new president Im moving!

Today was pretty good. Doc has the weekend off and boy does he like to keep me busy. It seems like he asks me where something is every 5 mins. Oh well, i am happy to spend some time with him.

The girls are both doing good today. Sweetpea seems so much better but i was reading one of the side effects of her new meds can be weight gain. I suddenly feel myself worrying about her weight for the first time. She’s always been so tiny. 5’1 and not even 100 lbs. It’s funny how it colors everything. Now when i see her eating ice cream, i worry its too much when just a few days ago, id never give it a second thought. Of course id never say anything to her. Hopefully it wont become an issue.

Okay need to sleep.

Day 62 AF

Break: tea w milk
Lunch: shrimp burrito
Dinner: watermelon
Dessert: small yogurt

I didn’t eat much because of all the eating i did yesterday. Just want v hungry.

Exercise: run 40 mins , walk dogs. Total steps 17k

[lpearlmom]

Today was really good. I cannot believe how much better sweetpea is doing. Now im wondering if she just had depression all this time. I dunno but she’s super engaged in life again and it’s great to see. Rosebud is doing well also. She decided not to go back to in person school after all. I think that’s probably the right thing to do.

Break: piece of broccoli frittata, grapes
Snack: piece of applesauce cake
Dinner: piece of pizza, salad

Exercise: walked dogs 25 mins.

Applesauce cake is so good, but we add nuts and chocolate chips. I also use olive oil and cook it for 45-50 mins not an hour.

https://www.food.com/recipe/applesauce-cake-186855

[lpearlmom]

Was a good day.

Day 63 AF
The alcohol free challenge is going really well. I feel great and feel like my mind is getting sharper. Feeling more like my old self. I am a little sad that i cant have wine for our anniversary dinner coming up but itll be okay.

Breakfast: watermelon, yogurt, grapes
Snack: cheese & crackers
Dinner: butternut squash chipotle chili
Dessert: piece of applesauce cake, sf mocha


Exercise: walked dogs-15 mins; treadmill-35 min run with sprints at the end.
15k steps total

[pinkhippie]

I am so glad to hear that sweetpea is doing so much better! That is wonderful.

Also wow, day 63 AF? I can't believe its been so long! You are doing so great!

Also your exercise continues to amaze me. 35 minute run with sprints at the end? That is some serious cardio!

Oh, also, I just wanted to let you know that based on your recommendation in another thread I have been reading the Ellyn Satter book about feeding your family. How have I never heard of this woman!? This book is amazing and I am interested in checking out her others when I am done. Still working my way through feeding the family but I love what she has to say about feeding yourself.

[lpearlmom]

Thank you hippie! I’m really enjoying the running but I do run SUPER slow. The challenge is going really well too. I’m just trying to figure out what my drinking will look like after this.

I know Ellyn Satter is awesome. Whenever I start to get stressed out about eating/nutrition I pull that book out. It’s very calming & has helped me so much. I used her other books to help me raising my girls with a positive attitude about food but that book helped me personally the most.

Today was good. I spent the morning chatting with a friend in her backyard and was really nice to get out of the house. Didn’t do much exercise today. Really tired and have a bad headache. Of course my mind goes to covid but hopefully it’s nothing.

Day 65 AF

Break: fruit, tea
Lunch: veggie chili with cashew cream and quinoa chips, applesauce cake
Dinner: shrimp & grits (so good!)
https://www.cookinglight.com/recipes/shrimp-and-grits

[automatedeating]

Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. Hope you get to take a nice long nap at some point today!

[Jen1974]

I’m really impressed with the alcohol free & the running!! It sounds like you’re in a good place with both

I love Ellyn Satter too!! Sometimes the “supplying” the food can feel hard though. Especially with teens where they are choosing what to feed themselves & things like chips seem to get chosen over things like apples

[lpearlmom]

Thanks auto! I’m feeling better but I’m just so tired lately. Not sure what’s going on.

Thx Jen. I am enjoying the running but today my knee started hurting. Hoping it’ll pass. Yeah, I know it’s hard not to worry but I I just try not to stress about their eating too much. It seems like it balances over time and they get home cooked meals most nights so I feel good about that at least.

I’ve been kind of in a fog lately as I watch the current political situation in the US unfold. The last couple of weeks have been just absolutely surreal. I can’t believe that the nightmare of the last 4 years might actually be coming to an end. I’m afraid to have any hope but I am allowing myself to have just the tiniest bit of hope. Sorry if there’s any trump fans here but yeah...

Sweetpea is doing so well. She’s taken a sudden interest in her Jewish origins and has been researching a ton, trying to learn Hebrew and even cooking from a Jewish cookbook. Oh and she joined a youth group. I wish she could have found this calling a few years ago but oh well. I’m just glad to see her engaged and happy. Rosebud is doing well so is cupcake, Tessa & doc. Feeling grateful—yay!


65 days AF

Break: Apple, 2 kind bars, tea
Lunch: cheese & crackers, apple
Dinner: chili potato, corn chips
Dessert: handful chocolate chips

Exercise: ran 40 mins with sprints at the end. 15k steps total.

[lpearlmom]

Brain fog today.

Breakfast: melon, smoothie, nuts
Lunch: homemade crackers
Dinner: sushi, shrimp cocktail
Dessert: handful chocolate chips, sf mocha

Rest day
Day 67 AF (i think)

[Octavia]

Hope the brain fog passes off soon. It’s so horrid when our heads ‘go funny’! So hard to concentrate! I try to tell myself that I’m smart enough to manage fine, even if my brain is only firing on one cylinder...

Hope you have a good weekend, Linda.

[automatedeating]

LOL Octavia! Yes, Linda you are smart even when only firing on one cylinder! Ha!