I pondered whether or not to do the daily check-in thing and decided it couldn't hurt...and it might help. I already did a post in the General Discussion forum about how my first five N days went, so I'll just pick up here where I left off. I have a feeling the posts here are going to be very stream of consciousness--sort of talking to my own self inside my head but then posted for all to see.
Yesterday was my first S day, and I attended a wedding as well as navigated my way through the evening with my husband's side of the family. It was an absolutely glorious and heart felt ceremony--probably one of the best weddings I've ever attended. On the way to the reception I had a conversation with myself about how I was going to enjoy it and not have pressure inside surrounding the food. I also reminded myself that my S day mantra was: "Don't be an idiot." Well, it was more difficult than I thought it was going to be. The main thing I noticed was how, in my mind, I kept labeling the food upon the table as either "good" or "bad" even though I had already given myself Official Permission to eat anything I truly desired. I kept thinking about my LFV (lowfatvegan) days and how the only thing that would've been acceptable was the fresh fruit and raw veggies sans dip. I tried to delight in taking whatever looked appealing to me, but I'll admit there was some anxiety involved. I did, however, enjoy the taste of everything--even though I was wondering if all the cheesiness was going to cause problems later. The cake was fantastic!
Then at dinner there was more cheese to contend with--I don't know why I have such a fear of cheese. The deal at Jim's sister's house was an authentic New Mexican Mexican Food Buffet with chicken green chile enchiladas and tamales and posole, etc. I almost took a frozen Amy's Bean Burrito, but I decided to go and choose from what was there and just eat and enjoy the evening. I did enjoy the food while I was eating it--I also had a sampling of sweets--the kind of stuff that is only offered up this time of year. By the time I got home last night I was feeling bloaty and kind of headachey and definitely out of sorts with my body. I took note of this, and I made a firm resolve NOT to stick my finger down my throat.
Woke up this morning with a mild food hangover. I decided what I really wanted for breakfast was my standard bowl of oatmeal with a smashed banana, so that's exactly what I had. Met a friend at Barnes & Noble--in between errands--to wish her a Happy Birthday. I'm not a regular coffee drinker, but I decided to have a Gingerbread Latte. She got a Peppermint Latte and a Cranberry Orange Scone. I think they must have forgotten to put the gingerbready spices in my latte because it just tasted like a regular cup of coffee with whipped cream to me. I had a few bites of Anna's scone. For lunch I decided what I really wanted was a regular ol' turkey sandwich (something I eat all the time on N days...), so that's exactly what I had.
It was then time to make a list and go to the grocery store. This is where things got a little dicey. I could not make up my mind what to have to eat this week. I s-t-i-l-l find myself thinking in terms of food that would've been acceptable in my LFV days. I sat and thought about ALL the options I had for a really long time, and then I finally realized that I happen to honestly enjoy a lot of things I ate on that other plan--they have become what's familiar to me--I know I won't feel icky or have any physical side effects if I eat them--and they are pleasing and satisfying to me. I decided it was perfectly okay to keep eating them...even while I might also throw in something that never would've been "allowed" before. My compromise was to buy ingredients to make chili (I had to talk myself into buying ground beef instead of ground turkey, though...) along with my standby stuff. It was an interesting experience, and we'll see how I handle the food this week.
I have really come to understand that one S I want every single day when it comes to food is: S-implicity. I am not a gourmet--I am completely satisfied eating simple things like soup (I adore all kinds of homemade soup--many just happen to be vegetarian), salad and sandwiches. I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what to cook or shopping for the ingredients or preparing it or cleaning up after it. However, I do want to eat stuff that tastes good to me.
I don't feel hungry even though the clock says it's time for dinner. I think I'll wait until I get a physical cue to eat...not sure whether I'll fix the salad and garlic bread I planned to have or not. I do see a chocolate cherry scone in my future, though.
Tonight I will put a *on my calendar.
The Dailiness of Kwag
Moderators: Soprano, automatedeating
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Kwag Myers
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:49 am
- Location: OKC
The Dailiness of Kwag
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor
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Kwag Myers
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:49 am
- Location: OKC
Sunday night I came really close to being an Idiot! I wasn't physically hungry at all, but I had that "I want something else" thing going on. So I began eating stuff--like a couple of squares of Green & Black Organic chocolate I never would've even bought had I not read about it on the No-S board, a handful of multigrain Tostitos, a piece of turkey eaten while standing in front of the fridge still gazing at what else I might eat, and then some Ramen noodles just a short time later.
The thing is I had already decided much earlier in the day I was going to heat up one of the scones I had frozen during the week and have that with a cup of tea. I was looking forward to having it. I went ahead and had the scone without a cup of tea--I heated it in the microwave, and it tasted good...BUT it would've been a heckuva lot better if I were even approaching hungry, ya know?
I have to be really cautious because when I begin with the grazing and mindless eating it can turn really quickly into an all out binge, and that almost always leads to a purge with me. So perhaps the lesson in this is that it's much better for ME to have the framework of No Snacks even on S days. Not only would I have enjoyed my Sweet a lot more, but I would've also experienced a lot more sanity last night.
I have to say I'm relieved to be back to the N days...
The thing is I had already decided much earlier in the day I was going to heat up one of the scones I had frozen during the week and have that with a cup of tea. I was looking forward to having it. I went ahead and had the scone without a cup of tea--I heated it in the microwave, and it tasted good...BUT it would've been a heckuva lot better if I were even approaching hungry, ya know?
I have to be really cautious because when I begin with the grazing and mindless eating it can turn really quickly into an all out binge, and that almost always leads to a purge with me. So perhaps the lesson in this is that it's much better for ME to have the framework of No Snacks even on S days. Not only would I have enjoyed my Sweet a lot more, but I would've also experienced a lot more sanity last night.
I have to say I'm relieved to be back to the N days...
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor
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Jammin' Jan
- Posts: 2002
- Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:55 pm
- Location: The Village
Kwag, it has taken me a long, long time to get past the LFV mindset. I'm not sure I have succeeded yet. Be patient with yourself!
However, we did learn some really useful things from Dr. McDougall. Here is how I try to apply it to No-S:
~Don't salt the cooking, just use it at the table where you can taste it.
~Ditto for sugar on S-days.
~Ditto for olive oil...I still try to cook lowfat, but I like the taste of a little on top of my foods.
~McDougall Feast Days were planned in advance, and (for me) were mostly "a feast meal" or even a "feast item", but it was always planned and anticipated. When I began No-S, I was feasting every weekend, but lately I have returned to the occasional McD feast concept. Reinhardt did put the "sometimes" in the diet plan after all.
~I structure my meals so that they contain 1/2 plate of fruit/veg/salad, 1/4 plate starch, and 1/4 plate animal protein. Most of my meals turn out to be 3/4 LFV this way, but the animal protein is a deviation which keeps me satisfied and comfortable between meals.
~I still keep my McDougall recipe notebook handy, because there is a lot of good stuff in there!
Give yourself some time to go beyond LVF and look for ways that you can put your meals together so that they are satisfying and in familiar patterns. Then you can enjoy your S-Day Feasts!
However, we did learn some really useful things from Dr. McDougall. Here is how I try to apply it to No-S:
~Don't salt the cooking, just use it at the table where you can taste it.
~Ditto for sugar on S-days.
~Ditto for olive oil...I still try to cook lowfat, but I like the taste of a little on top of my foods.
~McDougall Feast Days were planned in advance, and (for me) were mostly "a feast meal" or even a "feast item", but it was always planned and anticipated. When I began No-S, I was feasting every weekend, but lately I have returned to the occasional McD feast concept. Reinhardt did put the "sometimes" in the diet plan after all.
~I structure my meals so that they contain 1/2 plate of fruit/veg/salad, 1/4 plate starch, and 1/4 plate animal protein. Most of my meals turn out to be 3/4 LFV this way, but the animal protein is a deviation which keeps me satisfied and comfortable between meals.
~I still keep my McDougall recipe notebook handy, because there is a lot of good stuff in there!
Give yourself some time to go beyond LVF and look for ways that you can put your meals together so that they are satisfying and in familiar patterns. Then you can enjoy your S-Day Feasts!
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Kwag Myers
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:49 am
- Location: OKC
I put a *on my calendar before I went to bed last night...and I think it was only my desire to be able to do it that kept me from stuffing things in my face last night after work.
Of course this is the time of year when some of our lovely and loyal customers bring us treats to thank us for serving them throughout the year. The back counter was covered with all manner of sweets and snacks yesterday, and people kept making comments like, "Ooooh, you gotta try these chocolate thingies--they're sooo good!" Even though I wasn't physically hungry, I think I began to feel a little sorry for myself--that might have led to the struggle with wanting to eat unnecessary stuff after I got home. I came really close--I mean I had my hand on the bag of Tostitos...but then I told myself I would have to put a *on the calendar if I ate those (plus I knew it wouldn't stop with a few Tostitos--it would become an out of control, compulsive eating episode...). I fixed myself a cup of peppermint tea--and managed to make it through.
Thanks, Jan for the sane advice about leaving behind my uptight attitude about certain foods from the McDougall Days. Like you, there are a lot of recipes I discovered during that time that are very pleasing to me--and it's perfectly okay to eat them now (in case you hadn't noticed--I get a little wacky when it comes to leaving one plan in favor of another--I think I have to totally abandon every single thing about that other one in order to fully embrace the new one...). I am also just now getting to the point where I am able to understand there's a connection between what I eat and how my body feels. I know it should be so obvious, but when I was eating (mostly crap) all the time all the day long, I had no idea what, exactly, was making me feel icky. But when I eat three, sensible meals a day, I have a better shot at figuring out that every time I eat cheese, I don't feel so good afterward. It's a process, don't ya know!
Of course this is the time of year when some of our lovely and loyal customers bring us treats to thank us for serving them throughout the year. The back counter was covered with all manner of sweets and snacks yesterday, and people kept making comments like, "Ooooh, you gotta try these chocolate thingies--they're sooo good!" Even though I wasn't physically hungry, I think I began to feel a little sorry for myself--that might have led to the struggle with wanting to eat unnecessary stuff after I got home. I came really close--I mean I had my hand on the bag of Tostitos...but then I told myself I would have to put a *on the calendar if I ate those (plus I knew it wouldn't stop with a few Tostitos--it would become an out of control, compulsive eating episode...). I fixed myself a cup of peppermint tea--and managed to make it through.
Thanks, Jan for the sane advice about leaving behind my uptight attitude about certain foods from the McDougall Days. Like you, there are a lot of recipes I discovered during that time that are very pleasing to me--and it's perfectly okay to eat them now (in case you hadn't noticed--I get a little wacky when it comes to leaving one plan in favor of another--I think I have to totally abandon every single thing about that other one in order to fully embrace the new one...). I am also just now getting to the point where I am able to understand there's a connection between what I eat and how my body feels. I know it should be so obvious, but when I was eating (mostly crap) all the time all the day long, I had no idea what, exactly, was making me feel icky. But when I eat three, sensible meals a day, I have a better shot at figuring out that every time I eat cheese, I don't feel so good afterward. It's a process, don't ya know!
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor
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Kwag Myers
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:49 am
- Location: OKC
A * for me today.
I did well despite the fact I got up a lot later than I should have, so breakfast was later than it normally is. This meant I wasn't at all hungry when it was time for lunch...I packed a sandwich and ate it later at work...and by dinner I was back on track.
More customers brought more junk today--and it was easier to watch my coworkers munch through it today than it was yesterday.
I did well despite the fact I got up a lot later than I should have, so breakfast was later than it normally is. This meant I wasn't at all hungry when it was time for lunch...I packed a sandwich and ate it later at work...and by dinner I was back on track.
More customers brought more junk today--and it was easier to watch my coworkers munch through it today than it was yesterday.
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor
I'll say you're doing great. You have a lot of courage to battle the demons you've encountered. I just have my pattern of caving in. You have the LFV thing, the purging thing and the perfectionist thing. You are my hero and I admire your courage and tenacity. You go, girl.
It was a pot luck Christmas party at work today and I know it is all high fat, high calorie, and low density stuff. They are not a vegetable group of people. Because we eat almost exclusively organic and try to make our meals healthy, I always felt horrible after these pot lucks. So since I had a lot of unused vacation days so I just took the day off. Kind of cowardly probably but lots easier. Finding the balance between staying focused and obsession is not as simple as it originally seemed.
We'll get by with a little help from our friends.....
It was a pot luck Christmas party at work today and I know it is all high fat, high calorie, and low density stuff. They are not a vegetable group of people. Because we eat almost exclusively organic and try to make our meals healthy, I always felt horrible after these pot lucks. So since I had a lot of unused vacation days so I just took the day off. Kind of cowardly probably but lots easier. Finding the balance between staying focused and obsession is not as simple as it originally seemed.
We'll get by with a little help from our friends.....
A lot of growing up happens between "it fell" and "I dropped it."
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Kwag Myers
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:49 am
- Location: OKC
Sue, I don't believe you were a coward for taking the day off--I think it was really brave of you to do what you needed to take good care of yourself. So many times I find myself doing things I honestly don't want to do--things I know will lead to my own self-destruction--merely because I'm going along, or I don't want to disappoint other people. I think a lot of us (women, I mean--not all, but certainly a lot...) confuse good self-care with being selfish. It's not bad or wrong to recognize what is best for your own health and emotional well-being, ya know?!
I also liked how you related your ongoing struggle with your inner spoiled brat to "Nanny 911." I love that show, and I don't even have children. I think you hit it spot on, though, when you said you have to establish with your own self that it's in everyone's best interest if your parent is ultimately in charge. (Geeze, I make it sound like we're all a bunch of schizophrenics...) While I think the Nanny on that show makes it clear the parents need to be firm and consistent, she also shows them how to assure the children, how to spend more quality time with them, how to make them feel safe and loved. Our inner spoiled brats need these same things--they need to know they can trust us to feed them well and regularly, and that we're going to be gentle with them when they inevitably screw up.
I have a bumper sticker on my car that says: Proud parent of my inner child.
I also liked how you related your ongoing struggle with your inner spoiled brat to "Nanny 911." I love that show, and I don't even have children. I think you hit it spot on, though, when you said you have to establish with your own self that it's in everyone's best interest if your parent is ultimately in charge. (Geeze, I make it sound like we're all a bunch of schizophrenics...) While I think the Nanny on that show makes it clear the parents need to be firm and consistent, she also shows them how to assure the children, how to spend more quality time with them, how to make them feel safe and loved. Our inner spoiled brats need these same things--they need to know they can trust us to feed them well and regularly, and that we're going to be gentle with them when they inevitably screw up.
I have a bumper sticker on my car that says: Proud parent of my inner child.
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor
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Kwag Myers
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:49 am
- Location: OKC
Wednesday I earned another *.
It was also a day with some struggling involved. I had to do a lot of talking myself out of eating stuff simply because it was THERE. I knew it wouldn't taste nearly as good as I wanted it to taste...I knew if I succumbed it would be the one thing led to another scenario I'm so familiar with...I knew I'd be incredibly disappointed in myself if I gave in to my emotional hunger.
I'm learning since my last meal of the day is at 4:00 in the afternoon, I really need to make sure it's substantial and satisfying to my soul. I'm also observing how my body is easily adjusting to the three meals a day with no snacks--it's my inner squirrel who gets bent out of shape.
It was also a day with some struggling involved. I had to do a lot of talking myself out of eating stuff simply because it was THERE. I knew it wouldn't taste nearly as good as I wanted it to taste...I knew if I succumbed it would be the one thing led to another scenario I'm so familiar with...I knew I'd be incredibly disappointed in myself if I gave in to my emotional hunger.
I'm learning since my last meal of the day is at 4:00 in the afternoon, I really need to make sure it's substantial and satisfying to my soul. I'm also observing how my body is easily adjusting to the three meals a day with no snacks--it's my inner squirrel who gets bent out of shape.
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor
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Jammin' Jan
- Posts: 2002
- Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:55 pm
- Location: The Village
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Kwag Myers
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:49 am
- Location: OKC
I'm going to put a *on the calendar on my way to bed this Thursday night.
Thanks for the encouragement people--it does feel somewhat empowering to make sane and wise decisions in an area of life where I normally feel totally out of control.
Today there was perhaps some funny stuff in that I didn't really eat breakfast. I turned my alarm off and opted to sleep late since it was my day off. I had a lunch date scheduled for 11:00 and by the time I got out of bed at 9:00, I decided it was a better idea to just have a glass of juice--otherwise I wouldn't be at all hungry for lunch. This worked out fine, but I know it's not a good thing to do consistently.
Thanks for the encouragement people--it does feel somewhat empowering to make sane and wise decisions in an area of life where I normally feel totally out of control.
Today there was perhaps some funny stuff in that I didn't really eat breakfast. I turned my alarm off and opted to sleep late since it was my day off. I had a lunch date scheduled for 11:00 and by the time I got out of bed at 9:00, I decided it was a better idea to just have a glass of juice--otherwise I wouldn't be at all hungry for lunch. This worked out fine, but I know it's not a good thing to do consistently.
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor
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Jammin' Jan
- Posts: 2002
- Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:55 pm
- Location: The Village
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Kwag Myers
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:49 am
- Location: OKC
Alas, on Friday I went awry and was forced to put a *on the calendar. This, of course, sets me back as far as getting into the 21 Club--argh.
I don't have any excuse--I made a conscious choice to break the rules when I binged. I didn't even really try to talk myself out of it or give myself a chance to do something different. I have been feeling extraordinarily sad all week for a myriad of reasons, and I guess I thought eating myself into oblivion might make the sadness go away. Of course it didn't--all it did was heap disappointment in myself on top of the existing pain. I do give myself credit, though, for not purging because that was certainly an option I considered.
Some things I realized as a result of this experience that I hope to remember if I'm at a similar place in the future:
* The food I eat compulsively never ever tastes good--even if it's something I normally like.
* I immediately lose my inner calm when I binge, and it takes time to regain that composure.
* My inner squirrel is a big fat liar! He tries to get me to believe something I know is not a good idea really is and that it will make me feel all better. And he also tries to get me to not be honest when I fail--to convince me I can put a * on the calendar when he knows very good and well I deserve a *.
* I hope to vividly remember what my body felt like after I ate all that stuff I didn't need or even really want--it was not a pleasant experience at all. I also hope to vividly remember that bingeing is not practicing good and gentle self-care--it's actually pretty self-destructive.
I'm surprisingly not distraught over this failure, and I still firmly believe in my No-S path. This, in itself, is enormous progress for me. So, I'm just gonna pick myself up and keep plodding along here.
I don't have any excuse--I made a conscious choice to break the rules when I binged. I didn't even really try to talk myself out of it or give myself a chance to do something different. I have been feeling extraordinarily sad all week for a myriad of reasons, and I guess I thought eating myself into oblivion might make the sadness go away. Of course it didn't--all it did was heap disappointment in myself on top of the existing pain. I do give myself credit, though, for not purging because that was certainly an option I considered.
Some things I realized as a result of this experience that I hope to remember if I'm at a similar place in the future:
* The food I eat compulsively never ever tastes good--even if it's something I normally like.
* I immediately lose my inner calm when I binge, and it takes time to regain that composure.
* My inner squirrel is a big fat liar! He tries to get me to believe something I know is not a good idea really is and that it will make me feel all better. And he also tries to get me to not be honest when I fail--to convince me I can put a * on the calendar when he knows very good and well I deserve a *.
* I hope to vividly remember what my body felt like after I ate all that stuff I didn't need or even really want--it was not a pleasant experience at all. I also hope to vividly remember that bingeing is not practicing good and gentle self-care--it's actually pretty self-destructive.
I'm surprisingly not distraught over this failure, and I still firmly believe in my No-S path. This, in itself, is enormous progress for me. So, I'm just gonna pick myself up and keep plodding along here.
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor
Dear Kwag,
Sorry to read about your *, but it sounds like you're really taking it in stride. Isn't it weird that the body doesn't remember getting sick from eating too much? You would think it would happen once, and then never again. I mean, everyone seems to have an alcohol that they overdid and never can touch again, y'know?
I call him "The imp of the perverse", that little voice that says ahh, go ahead and do it; one slip up isn't important, begin again tomorrow. Wish there were some way to banish him from the realm.
Zoolina
Sorry to read about your *, but it sounds like you're really taking it in stride. Isn't it weird that the body doesn't remember getting sick from eating too much? You would think it would happen once, and then never again. I mean, everyone seems to have an alcohol that they overdid and never can touch again, y'know?
I call him "The imp of the perverse", that little voice that says ahh, go ahead and do it; one slip up isn't important, begin again tomorrow. Wish there were some way to banish him from the realm.
Zoolina