My No S Musings

[kccc]

Shannah, I so know the feeling of being too overwhelmed to deal!!

One potential strategy...

Breathe. Seriously, deep breaths are calming. Take a minute and just breathe.

Ask yourself (in the nicest internal voice you have, like you'd speak to a frightened child) "What's going on, honey?" (The "honey" is to remind you to use that gentle, caring tone.)

Then listen really, really hard.

When I do this, the answers often surprise me. Sometimes it's something physical (TOM or illness). Sometimes it's an aggregate of stuff that adds up to more than I can juggle. Sometimes it's a situation or emotion that I simply don't want to face. But it's rarely physial hunger... and if hunger is not the problem, eating is not the solution.

Whatever you do, be gentle with yourself. Set your goals at the minimum level for a while, and celebrate every little accomplishment.

Very best wishes.

[oolala53]

I remember one day being caught at a workshop with no food because I thought there would be some there. had two meals at fast food joints, but I just ate very slowly and ate less. I was actually very full for hours. I wouldn't choose to do it often, but eventually, I hope to be fear-free of any eating situation. I know you can make it through even the unplanned meals.

[Over43]

Hello,

Just keep working at it. Eventually habits form. I haven't read all of your posts, but may I say I got where I am after 30 years of bad habits. Hopefully it won't take me 30 years to unravel them.

[ShannahR]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all of your words of encouragement! It made me smile to come back to my thread and see all your responses. It felt so weird that I realized I haven't smiled for at least a couple of days! What a great way for me to start the day, I want to thank all of you for that.

KCCC-Thanks so much for the advice. When I read your post I took a deep breathe--a really deep breath not just one of those regular reflex "have to breathe to live" breaths. I realized that I haven't done that in a long time and it definitely makes me feel calmer almost immediately. I think you are right about feeling overwhelmed, but it's not just that, when I belittle myself for feeling that way because there are other people out there with so much more on their plate. My life is heaven compared to so many others that I feel guilty even feeling upset about anything--and, of course, that sort of thinking starts a guilt spiral.

Oolala--I have to admit that I ended up doing the same thing as you. I went ahead and had a little fast food and stayed away from sweets and "supersizing." I know it's not healthy but I'll build my way back up to that.

Over43--Thanks for dropping in. I don't know if this is typical for a No Ser but I occasionally have 'habit breakdowns' when I find it impossible to follow any of my systems. They usually last a few days and then I'm back on. It's happened maybe every other month or so since I started. At least I know that I can get through them but when I'm in the midst of it it seems like the sky is falling.

11/30/2010
No S: SUCCESS

Well yesterday I barely made it through. I ended up eating fast food for lunch, not healthy but I didn't go back for seconds or have sweets so I'm calling it success. I had pasta for dinner, again not healthy but I ate a modest amount, 2 servings, so I'm calling it success.

Today is already starting out better. I was able to pack my lunch last night. I've made a plan for today's work and I don't feel like a black cloud is hanging over me.

I was thinking the other day and I think I need to start taking things a little less personally. When ever something fails at work or home I immediately come to the conclusion that it's my fault. Even if that's completely irrational, or someone else was just as involved, or if it was something I had no control over. I don't deserve to be blamed for everything so I'm going to try to stop. Even if it's something little, I'm going to try to make it my default to consider that it's not my fault. Maybe this sounds weird to some people but it's a big paradigm shift for me. My goal in this is to try to make my overall mood better (it's hard to be happy when you feel guilty all the time) and self esteem higher. Wish me luck.

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I noticed that when I'm down in a funk I try to hide from everything and I mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Not only do I not stick to my systems I actively do things I know will hurt me later. For example, I was upset the last two days and I didn't do my PT stretches for my back--and, of course, it began to hurt more as a result. I ate in a way that make me feel sick. I ignored obligations that will cause me more stress later. I'm entertaining the possibility that I do these things to punish myself. I would be willing to accept that IF I could figure out why. Why am I punishing myself? Nothing great has happened in my life that I feel I don't deserve so what is could be the reason behind the punishment? Nothing terrible has happened either--I did lose my fiance's Garmin so I suppose that could be it. But it doesn't make much sense because he isn't mad and I can easily afford to buy another.

Another thought just occured to me. Over Thanksgiving break I didn't get to decide anything. Everyone was telling me what to do. My family is very boss and they almost always disregard what I want. My fiance dislikes spending time with them because they enjoy doing things he hates, for example shopping. The whole time I felt caught in the middle, failing to please both sides, and definitely not pleasing myself. In the past, I have reacted badly so a situation like this. Actually, I usually react just as I have in the last two days--I refuse to do anything I "should" do and have a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. I actually remember writing down that very thing after a situation like this a few months ago. Well, at least I know the trigger now. Unfortunately, it seems the only way to stop the cycle is to stop my reaction to it. I won't be able to control every situation in life so I need to change myself, not life.

[ShannahR]

12/1-2/2010
No S: SUCCESS

I'm still hanging in, but barely. Tuesday and Wednesday I stuck to 3 plates and didn't eat any sweets, therefore success. I had started to feel better mentally the past few days but today I've taken a step backwards. I think part of my problem today is back pain, I'm hurting today but not enough to take drugs and it started first thing this morning, ugh. As you can imagine today has been trying. I keep telling myself I only have to last until 5:25 but even that seems like a tall order. I'm not sure what kind of relief I think the weekend can bring me.

This morning I didn't weigh myself which is a violation of the rules I set up in October. The reason I didn't was because I didn't want to deal with the emotional fall out from gaining weight. I don't KNOW that I gained any but I'm pretty sure I did. This means I won't reach my goal weight for this year because I'd have to lose over 5 lbs in December which is unreasonable. This morning I simply didn't want to face all of that.

My cravings for sweets have been pretty intense the last few days. I'm not letting myself give in because I had some failures at the end of last month but it's taking a lot of will power.

[idontknow]

Hi Shannah - Well done on the successes you've had over the last couple of weeks - especially because it's been hard for you and you've still stuck to the habits. This is a difficult time of year and I too feel like I've been clinging on by my fingertips.
Do you keep a habitcal? If so, can you gauge your success by that rather than your weight? And maybe be a bit easier on yourself - if you've managed to maintain your weight through November and December then you will have done well - they are tricky months - in lots of ways!?
You have very high expectations of yourself - which is a good thing, but don't be harder on yourself than you would be on other people. As KCCC would say - be kind to yourself.

[funfuture]

Hi Shannah,
I just had a quick read over your thread - wow, you've done great! In March you said you had lost 13lbs in the previous 3 months and it seems to have been a steady loss from there.
Hang in there, you are doing so so well. I posted on another thread recently that there comes a time in NoS for some of us where it just gets really really hard - when the novelty of NoS has worn off; when we're tired and stressed at the end of the year; when our body might be wanting to return to its previous set-point weight; when it's holidays...etc. Add to that the emotional tendency to self-sabotage some of us have, then it becomes really really difficult (I've fallen off twice before and regret it)...

Re self-sabotage - one of the things I discovered through another program is that there can be "tapes" running in one's mind that control our actions. For example, if I'm thin then XXX won't know how much they have hurt me in the past. Or, if I'm thin, then my life will be successful and it will let XXX off the hook. Or, if I'm thin, then it will attract more sexual attention than I'm comfortable with. Or, my food is the only thing I have control over and so I'm going to eat whatever I like - that will show XXX who is really in control of me...etc, etc...

It can help to become aware of what the tape is that is running for you...Just a thought.

Good luck with it all - and as I said, congratulations! You have been going great guns for a long time. Well done.

[ShannahR]

12/3/2010
No S: SUCCESS
No weigh in

12/4-5/2010
S days!

Hi idk and funfuture! Thanks for dropping in and sharing your encouragement and thoughts! I think you both bring up valid points. I'm going to give myself permission to listen to and follow your good advice!

Monday again, the weekend was a whirl wind but after reading the posts from idk and funfuture I think it went pretty well...let me explain:

Saturday: We went car shopping. I don't know if I mentioned before but my fiance totaled his car. Thankfully he's okay but he'll need another one obviously. For now he's driving mine, which is no problem because I take the train to work. We're trying to approach car shopping (we're both first timers) intelligently and not get ripped off. Happily we can afford a new car so that stress is gone. The overall process was a little stressful but not too bad. We ended up eating out breakfast and lunch. We ate assorted stuff we had at home for dinner and I had some chocolate cake. I didn't stick to 3 plates, and it wasn't healthy but it wasn't a disaster and I enjoyed it=SUCCESS.

Sunday: Chores day. We thoroughly cleaned the apartment, roasted a chicken, and made bread and oatmeal for weekday meals. We relaxed and watched football and played video games. I didn't stick to 3 plates: I found these wonderful cookies at Trader Joes which I ate a bunch of. I totally enjoyed them though and was a small idiot but not terrible=SUCCESS.

Looking back at this weekend (and after reading idk's and funfuture's posts) I think I'm going to turn down the volume on the voice in my head trying to make me feel guilty . Let's face it: this is the holiday season I'm not going to lose weight. I don't want to give up treats on S days when I want them anymore.

From here on out: I give myself permission to eat treats on S days anytime I want them.

N day rules will remain the same. S days will become a little looser, but I will not be an idiot. I will stop worrying about losing weight--it's a terrrible way to live, I will no longer obsess. If I stay this weight I will be happy. I no longer care about BMI--I'm just a lb or so out of healthy range anyways, good enough.

No other changes are necessary I just need to be "nicer to myself" as KCC and idk would say .

[ShannahR]

12/6/2010
No S: SUCCESS

As part of my new "be nice to yourself" December program I've decided to start writing down positive events in my No S lifestyle.
Yesterday's list:
1. I stuck to 3 mostly healthy plates
2. I resisted the temptation of scrumptious looking chocolate chip cookies at my 4 pm meeting (that's a particularly tough time of day)
3. I stashed the box of extra tasty chocolate covered holiday cookies from the weekend in the cupboard. Out of sight out of mind.
4. I had 2 small glasses of wine in the evening to relax with the fiance-this helped me keep away from sweets.

Have a good Tuesday!

[idontknow]

Well done!

[ShannahR]

12/8/2010
No S: SUCCESS

Things I did well yesterday:
1. Stuck to 3 realtively healthy plates
2. Upped strictness by putting fruit on dinner plate (I didn't do this yesterday and it is my goal)
2. Nourished myself to the point that I didn't crave sweets or more food

Yesterday was a good N day. The cravings simply evaporated. My new attitude is succesful so far, I'm feeling happier and trying to enjoy food and accept myself. The weekend will be more challenging but I'm starting out really well so I'm going to try to enjoy N days. I read a really great quote by KCCC that Brightangel had put on her thread. It really resonnates with me.

KCCC wrote:
Dear Self,

This is your internal voice of reason, and I just want to remind you of a few things... things you know, but sometimes forget.

You've been doing No-S for a while, and you have experienced the difference between "good" S-days and... and well, S-days that aren't so good.

On a Good S-Day, you have a scrumptious, satisfying treat of some nature. Maybe more than one - and you savor every bite. However, you also eat regular meals (maybe extra-yummy, but on time), refrain from perma-snacking, and enjoy the day. Emotionally, you feel proud of yourself, and deeply satisfied by what you ate. Physically, you feel good.

On a Not-So-Good (okay, pretty bad) S-day, you fall back into perma-snacking mode. You eat so much between meals that meals don't taste very good. Neither does anything else... for all the food you're inhaling (without even tasting), you don't feel satisfied. Emotionally, you feel desperate, out of control...and dissatisfied. Physically, you feel bloated and queasy.

Reinhard says S-days are meant to be a reward. A good one is exactly that. A bad one... nope.

So, what can you do to have a rewarding S-day? Well, start by remembering what works for YOU (other people will have different strategies, and that's okay). And remember to use the strategies your user name, which stands for Keep, Chuck, Change, Create.

KEEP what works for you during the week. Reinhard says habits will naturally carry over, but you don't have to passively wait for it to happen by magic! Pick an easy habit or two that you actually like, and incorporate them intentionally. For instance, eating regular meals and remembering to drink enough.

CHUCK what doesn't work for you. Right now, the biggest issue is snacks - they're a slippery slope, and you don't even like them that much. Do you need them to have a special day, or will seconds/sweets do it? (And when that self-destructive little voice whines "but it's an S-day, it's allowed!" tell it firmly that "allowed does not mean obliged. I don't HAVE to eat that if I don't want it!")

CHANGE the day's patterns to make them work better. For example, you have more energy in the morning, so maybe cook a big lunch and an easy supper. Or try one of those "put it in the oven and bake for an hour" recipes that you never have time for during the week.

CREATE new routines and habits that give you pleasure. Plan a special outing with the family. Buy flowers. Find something special to do... and savor it.

And yes, I know you know all this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded at the right time.

So have a great S-day. And remember, there will be a lot of weekends in your life. If you miss a treat, there will be another chance. And if your S-day is not-so-good... well, learn from it. There will be another chance.

Best wishes,

Your Internal Voice of Reason

Which is similar to what I was doing a few months ago when I wrote goals for each weekend. Where I went wrong was trying to make myself follow a strict set of rules everyweekend. Every weekend is different and I'm different every weekend. It makes sense the same rules/goals won't work every time. I'm going back to making a few simple goals for each weekend. I make these goals to remind me how to enjoy S days as well as care for myself, they are less restrictive then rules and I resent them less than the strict rules I made for S days in order to lose weight. I will start again with this method on Friday.

[ShannahR]

12/8/2010

No S: SUCCESS

"Be nice to yourself" in December list:
1. Stuck to 3 relatively healthy plates
2. Had a nice cup of tea in the afternoon when I was cold
3. Had a nice glass of wine with fiance in evening
4. Took good care of myself last night when my back pain became unbearable
5. Didn't order any unplatable food for meeting 12/9 (group usually orders together), I'll bring my own healthy food

As a side note I woke up hungry and I actually feel thinner and healthier this morning. I think being nice to myself is helping--it is certainly helping with the back pain. Instead of being mad at myself for not doing more, I'm celebrating what I do get done.

[funfuture]

That sounds great, Shannah. I hope your back gets better soon.

[ShannahR]

12/9/2010
No S: SUCCESS
Weigh-in: 159.5

"Be nice to yourself"
Thursday
1. I hate 3 mostly healthy plates
2. Had a glass of wine to relax after dinner
Friday
1. Thinking about the 15+ lbs I lost during the year, not the 2-3 lbs I gained in the last two months


Reminders for the weekend:
1. Chocolate covered cookies are a good treat but not when you eat more than 2 at a time.
2. Fruit is a great treat--buy yourself something tasty at Whole Foods (don't worry about price)!
3. You feel better and food tastes better if you stick to eating 3 times a day--4 at the most!
4. Start a new Civ game this weekend--try for domination victory!

Have a great weekend everyone!

[ShannahR]

12/10/2010
No S: SUCCESS

12/11-12/21010
S days!

Be nice to your self:
Friday (cont)
1. Kept to N day habits despite temptation to start S days early
2. Bought some nice apples to have during S days
Sat
1. Kept to 3 meals
2. Had some chocolate covered cookies as a treat--very enjoyable
Sun.


Weekend went okay, I had a small stomach ache when I woke up today but it might not have been from overeating. I'm noticing my usual pattern is to eat moderately on Saturday and then not so moderately on Sunday. I never over eat on Saturday. I wonder why that is. This weekend wasn't very relaxing Sat was car shopping and work. Sunday was Christmas bread baking and cooking for the week. No rest for the weary. No help this weekend either as my parents are coming. Well at least I get Christmas through new years off.

Happy Monday.

[ShannahR]

12/13/2010
No S: SUCCESS

Be nice to yourself in December:
1. Went to PT
2. Ate 3 mostly healthy plates--resisted the craving to eat more at dinner
3. Went to bed early


Things are still crazy here. I started a new PT program yesterday which I think is better than my old one--I've got some hope that maybe I'll be feeling better soon. It's funny, when I started this whole back thing I wanted it to go away, now I'd settle for it half going away.

I'm still tired and stressed so it's more difficult than usual to stick to No S. I contemplated eating more bread at dinner but decided not to. I went to sleep early to try to ease some of the mental distress but it only helped a little. The worst part is not being able to think of a way to get some time to myself to recuperate.

[kccc]

Shannah, your "be nice to yourself" initiative is a good one.

I do notice that your lists look like pats on the back for doing things you know are good for you. That's a good step forward - you need to recognize your accomplishments!

For the next step in self-care.... Can you think of some "be nice to yourself" things you can do that are just flat enjoyable?

I have found it is so restoring to look back on a day and have a tiny bit about which you can say "I did that because I wanted to, and I enjoyed it."

[ShannahR]

Hi KCCC--
I agree the "be nice to yourself" list is me acknowledging the good things I've done for myself. Thus far they are not above and beyond things I "should" do to keep myself healthy and happy. At this point, I'm okay with this because I tend not to give myself credit for the things I accomplish. I sometimes tell myself something as trivial as eating healthy or doing my PT exercise deserves no praise because these are things I "should" do (although, for some reason, I see nothing wrong with punishing myself if I don't do them). However, it has been uplifting to acknowledge these things, just because I "should" do them doesn't mean my effort doing them shouldn't be acknowledged and appreciated.
I intend to follow your advice to add to my list. I agree with you that I should try to do something in my day to help me relax that I simply want to do. I actually did that this morning (unintentionally) by going out to breakfast to help me relax before work. I'm a little resistant to the idea because I tend to feel that any moment I spend away from work or things I "should" be doing is a moment wasted. I need to retrain my thinking and acknowledge that a small amount of time spent on myself and things that I want is not "wasted." Instead I need to think of it as valuable time that helps me do the rest of the things in my day well.



12/14/2010

No S: SUCCESS

Be nice to yourself in December:
1. Ate 3 mostly healthy plates
2. Did my PT exercises
3. (Wed morning) Went out to breakfast to give myself some extra time to relax before work


I'm still tired and stressed but I'm sticking to No S. I'm glad I've got it down to mostly habit at this point, I don't have much energy to devote to will power right now. Last night we bought the car which was stressful. I think I stressed myself out reading all the scams some car dealers try to pull on you. When we went to the dealer, yes they offered us stuff we didn't want-extensive "dealer prep", extended warranties, etc--but they weren't pushy. I think we actually found a pretty honest and straight forward dealer--of course I should mention we had a prenegotiated price so we didn't have to do that part which made it a more pleasant experience I'm sure. After that I was tired and I felt like I hadn't had time to do anything relaxing, which was true. I came home and did some PT exercises and watched a little TV and went to bed. Now I'm back and at work to start it all over again. I barely felt like I slept and I'm so cold--I hate winter, I forgot what it was like to be cold all the time but I'm remembering now unfortunately.

Time to stop complaining and get to work. I've got lots to do but I'm going to try to be nice to myself and not get stressed out over what I don't get to today. There's a career thing tonight that I feel like I really should go to but I'm so tired that I don't want to. I'll have to think about that some.

Happy hump day.

[kccc]

However, it has been uplifting to acknowledge these things, just because I "should" do them doesn't mean my effort doing them shouldn't be acknowledged and appreciated.

Absolutely! Acknowledging is very powerful. I know some days I feel that I've done nothing, until I take a real look and am surprised and pleased.

I need to retrain my thinking and acknowledge that a small amount of time spent on myself and things that I want is not "wasted." Instead I need to think of it as valuable time that helps me do the rest of the things in my day well.

[/quote]

Remember the metaphor about taking time to "sharpen the saw." If you haven't heard that story, let me know and I'll post it in detail. (Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits" - an oldie but goldie - is where I first ran across it, and it's a very useful idea.)

[ShannahR]

12/15/2010
No S: SUCCESS

Be nice to yourself:
1. Decided not to eat more challah at dinner
2. Had breakfast out (mentioned yesterday)
3. Didn't go to career meeting at night--I'll figure out that interview style IF I get that kind of interview!
4. PT exercises (I think they might actually be working).

I'm trying to think of something to do nice for myself today. Part of my problem is that I don't feel like I have time for any "extras." The other part is it's difficult to think of something comforting that isn't food. I know I should have gotten over that a long time ago with No S but to tell the truth food is still a comfort object for me. Yes, I no longer use it as much as I did before but it still is. I haven't found something to replace it yet, I've just been white knuckeling through times of stress--and not very well if my past posts are any indication . Perhaps if I made a list of things I enjoy and then try some to see if I like it. Of course, my back cuts down on the options but I'll still give it a try.

[kccc]

Shannah, I had exactly the same problem (using food as the primary source of comfort). Some ideas...

Do a five minute writing exercise where you explore other senses. Fill in the following stems with at LEAST five items in each. Don't over-think it, just do it.

I like the SOUND of...
I like the SMELL of...
I like the SIGHT of...
I like the TOUCH (or "feel") of...
I like the TASTE of...
(That last one may seem odd when we're trying to expand into other senses, but I was surprised by how many things I liked were perfectly okay for N-days.)

Look at your list. Are any of those feasible in some way?

Things that don't take lots of time...
Fresh flowers in the house...scented candles or shower gel...nice background music...wearing something cozy or that makes you feel attractive...15 minutes of an enjoyable activity (you DO have 15 minutes, really you do)...

And for all the things you think of that DO take time, make a "someday-maybe" list. Then when your schedule opens up, you'll be ready!