Kookie's Daily Check in

[Kookie]

Thanks jw! The course I'm enrolled on runs from October 2014 - March 2015 so it doesn't start until later this year....

I was thinking of going to see my brother in San Fransisco then a friend in Vancouver (and an ex-boyfriend) and the maybe live in Sydney for a few months...

I could come back to London if I don't find a new life on my travels and easily get another PA job. I love my work colleagues but I'm so over being a PA. This course in October will hopefully allow me to build a new career, albeit slowly at first. It's a course in nutrition/psychology of eating...! Quelle surprise! But I figure I may as well justify all my pain and suffering somehow by making a career of it!!

Anyway, you're right, I'm sure I shouldn't trust my thoughts right now but it's still fun to dream!!! And I could rent my flat in London and finance my travels to a certain extent...so it's not totally unrealistic!!

In the mean time, I want to NoS with absolute strictness so that I can be free to feel my feelings, and grieve my loss and plot my future.

xxxx

[lpearlmom]

I don't know I think you should go for it. You only live once! It could be just the thing you need right now.

If you come to arizona be sure to look me up (we have a guest room!).

Linda

[Kookie]

Ah, cool! Thanks Linda!!!!

The thing is, even if I decide to do it, the soonest I would be able to leave would be 1st July because we only get paid our bonus at end of March and then I am on a 3 month notice period....so I have plenty of planning time!!

It'd be so fun to meet some of you!

xxxx

[lpearlmom]

That seems perfect Kookie. Gives you plenty of time to think & plan.

How exciting!!

Linda

[jw]

NEXT March?! Well, that is really too long to wait!

[osoniye]

Hi Kookie,
Hope you're hanging in there OK. I'm sorry about the loss of your cat. Losing a pet can be SO hard.
It's great to have a fellow former GS-er on here. Do you have any favorite recipes from those days? I still eat an egg salad thing I learned to like on there, and an eggplant carrot thing. I think I learned to enjoy them because I was so hungry in those days, and "hunger is the best sauce". I still enjoy them both, but prefer the (MUCH) greater freedom to life on NoS!

[Kookie]

Weight: 57.95kg
B/ 3 boiled eggs, 1 orange
Milky coffee x 2
L/ beef, quinoa, salad with sugar snap peas, dressing (olive oil, balsalmic)
1 orange
S tbc

It’s good to be back on the boards! I’ve missed them and all of the lovely people on them so much. I don’t think posting is something I ‘grew out of’ as such, or something that I graduated from in any way but I had just stopped posting in a way which worked for me so I want to try and work on that this time round. I almost need to assume no one will read my posts (wouldn’t blame them!) so that I can be open and free and not worry about saying something which might trigger anyone else. I think part of this self-consciousness was that I ‘converted’ (!) a couple of work colleagues to NoS and I started to worry that they were reading my posts. Silly really, I’m sure they weren’t/aren’t and even if they are this is my life and I need this check-in!!

If anyone is reading this (who also posts what they eat on a daily basis) do you post yesterday’s food or do you just go back and ‘edit’ after the day is done? For instance it’s afternoon for me now and I haven’t got to supper yet so can’t fill in those details. So short of coming up with a better idea, I think I am going to start posting yesterday’s food but checking in during the afternoon like I am now. This will have the added bonus of hopefully seeing me through my afternoon slump! It can be a dangerous time for me food-wise and getting in touch with how I’m feeling is useful for me. I also want to start posting my food because of my tummy issues and start to try and track what foods cause me grief and what work for me.

So what has happened since I last posted in January? Well, food-wise I haven’t really veered away from NoS much at all but I am dealing with some longstanding health issues now which I could not have dealt with before while I was trying to break the back of my eating disorder. Nevertheless, being told to go on a low FODMAP, low to no sugar, gluten and preferably grain free, dairy free diet did somewhat throw me through a loop to say the least. It totally screwed my head up!! Argh! So I had to have a few too many binges and suffer with far too much obsession (I have probably listened to over 1,000 hours of podcasts related to IBS, SIBO, ketosis, paleo diets, traditional diets, autoimmunity, cholesterol, dairy...the list goes on and on and on and on) before I came to my sense – doing NoS is GOOD ENOUGH! NoS has to be my bottom line. Anything else is icing on the cake (gluten/sugar/dairy free or not. Also, I wonder whether I was eating enough at my meals before. I get really anxious about hunger, particularly the hunger between lunch and supper and this started to cause me to restrict my life – all I wanted to do (and still want to – work in progress) after work is rush home to have my evening meal. I want to have a little more flexibility because the life I want to live involves going to dance classes occasionally after work or doing a bit of shopping or meeting a friend for a drink before eating...Adding in a piece of fruit after every meal has really, really helped with my between meals hunger.

Okay, rather than making this a marathon post which sets a bad precedent if I want to keep this up, I will end there. My check-in will include my weight (on Fridays), my food (of the day before – unless someone has a better idea), how I’m feeling/what’s happening, my physical symptoms (to help with tummy issues) and anything else will evolve I’m sure. Also my new habit is 10mins of meditation a day (with Heartmath) so I’ll check in with that too.

It’s great to be back.

Kookie

[Kookie]

ps/ Linda, jw and eschano - I'm so sorry I didnt' respond to your posts! You're the best, thank you for your support.
pps/ osoniye - so great to meet a fellow former GS-er too!! Wow, so glad those days are behind me!!! My favourite thing from those times is also an eggplant dish! I used to - and still do - roast eggplant (I call them aubergine) in coconut oil with salt and paprika. I steam/microwave chopped cubes of aubergine first so that when I add them to the baking tray with coconut oil, the oil melts and can be tossed through to coat all of the pieces. By far my favourite vegetable...It's a member of the nightshade family which I know people have problems with...and I know people often LOVE what they have problems with. Please god let me NOT have a problem with aubergine!

[automatedeating]

Hi Kookie! Welcome back and thank you SO much for your nurturing post on my blog. I've been having some thoughts like, "I want someone to take care of me" lately and so your post was actually really helpful on that emotional level. I promise, I'm not always so needy!

Anyway, with regard to your posting question: I do it both ways. This morning I posted yesterday's food because I didn't have time to last night. But I think in general I post in the hour before dinner (often while dinner is in the oven and the kids are playing outside or inside with friends). That way I already know what's for dinner. And snacking after dinner is not an option, right?

[Kookie]

Thanks so much automated! I have to watch my perfectionism and am now getting obsessed with how to post on here perfectly ?! Doh.

I'm so pleased my post was reassuring - and don't worry about being needy...it is my middle name! I would love someone to take care of me ALL THE TIME! Harrumph!

[osoniye]

Hi Kookie- Welcome back.
Yeah, eggplant! I think that was the highest carb cooked veg on the GS plan that still went for 8 oz portions. I really ate a LOT of eggplant! (I also learned to love grated raw carrots, as that was a sort of carby-ish option, compared to the others. I just don't think I could go back and do that again... so restrictive!) Do you let your eggplant sit salted for a while and rinse off before the coconut oil roasting? Or just cut them up and steam them?
I see you referred to "fear-mongering, conformist, awful places" in Linda's thread, and imagine that GS was part of that. I hope we can both find peace and balance in our application of NoS for the long haul.

[Kookie]

Saturday
B/ Gluten-free wrap with almond nut butter and milky tea
Big milky coffee
L/ orange and a coconut flour/flaxseed bun
Milky tea
S/ brown rice pasta, roasted submerging in coconut oil, spinach, pesto and bacon followed by a milky tea and a whole bag govinda treats and some walnuts in maple syrup

Food-my supper was very large and I took a small portion of treats but ended up going back to polish off the whole packet. Contemplating making 's' days special occasions only and not weekends .... or else keep the no snacks and no seconds rule at weekends too and if I have sweets, put them on my plate. Or do the no sweets except in company rule..I just hate overeating and I think my body and teeth need a break. Cant seem to have sweet stuff in the house without wanting to gobble the lot.

Emotions-was grieving a lot after a trip to a new dentist last night. It seems I did not get away with being bulimic for over 20 years. - more fillings and another shocked dentist. Feel sad for all the harm I've done to my poor body. Also cross with my Mum who always said I got away with it (she meant superficially because I never seemed to gain weight despite bingeing vast quantities which I didn't always throw up).

I spent the day with my Mum today and got triggered by a stupid spiteful gay makeup artist whilst out shopping who said point blank that I wasn't as beautiful as my Mum. I was so hurt, not because I care that it's the truth but because it was rude and unexpected and it triggered the pain I feel because it has seemed that my Mum is jealous and competed with me growing up. I feel he was channelling that somehow. I tried not to show I was hurt but had to leave the shop. I didn't want my mum to see I was hurt either but I cried all afternoon and tonight. I've always celebrated her beauty and just wanted her love. I don't think I can go on the walking holiday she has planned for us in September in Italy with my brother and his wife. It will break my heart to miss out because my brother lives abroad so I rarely see him but the pain my Mum can inadvertently inflict will make it a nightmare for me. The long and short of it is that despite years and years of therapy, I am often in pain when I am with her. I can't seem to trust her to be nice and caring and warm. And with my brother in the mix, she is even worse. But sometimes she's amazing - caring and a good listener. It's very confusing. The irony is that I hang out with her a lot, desperate to receive the kind of maternal love she can on rare occasions give to me. I need to grow out of this childish hunger for her to be more mothering. I love her so much but she just causes me so much pain. Time to get real about it and stop going to her to meet my needs. She never had a mother (abandoned by her mother when she was a baby) so she doesn't get it at all.

Body-very bloated tonight and v large loose BM. I don't think my body likes that pasta and also those treats were very dense and made with dates which is a high fodmap food. Looked 8 months preggers. Feeling very fat and shapeless.

Hey Sonya! I don't find the aubergines bitter here in the Uk so don't often soak them in salt first unless they are from a market or somewhere unusual or if I'm abroad... Weirdly enough I just got a text from another old GS friend. She's still doing it, probably wanted to see if I'd found another solution. I have!! I need to remember how far I've come from those days. I may overeat but it is nothing like those binges of old which lead me to GS and I haven't been bulimic for a long time and know that I will never ever do that again. And all the stress of having to call a sponsor every day and not being 'allowed' to eat parsnips!! And weighing in restaurants! I only did that once actually, was too mortifying! But there was a relief in having all the food decisions taken away which is why I love structure, it frees up my mind for other things... Having said that, even within NoS I can be debating giving up this and that and constant tweaking ...!! Life is not easy with an eating disorder!! Even though I consider myself 85% recovered from it. Hope you're having a good w/end.

[automatedeating]

Kookie--your mum sounds bipolar!!! That description really fits.

I think you should go see your brother by yourself!! That way you won't resent not getting to see him, but it will be on your own terms apart from the strings attached of going with your Mum.

[Kookie]

Hey automated! Thanks so much for the comment... I think my Mum does have a personality disorder of some sort too. My therapist thinks she's probably borderline, particularly given her very traumatic childhood. I think you're right, I need to see my brother on my own terms. It's so hard though as a walking holiday along the Amalfi coast would be spectacular...And my brother doesn't have much leave apart from this. But even so, I can't risk getting so traumatised by her. She didn't even do or say anything wrong today but I'm just so so sensitive around her... Hope you're having a good weekend and I liked the sound of your new house cleaning rules. Just 1 minute if that's all you can do.

[lpearlmom]

Just wanted to give you a virtual hug. It pains me to hear about your sadness regarding your mother. My oldest daughter & I have a lot of conflict and I hope that I'm not causing her any long term harm. I love her so much but sometimes it's hard to give her everything she seems to need. I'm sure your mother loves you very much even if she's not able to demonstrate it in a healthy manner.

Sorry also about the rude salesperson. Such a weird & absurd thing to say to a stranger. Also sucks about the dentist but good for you for going and taking care of it now. Can't change the past so just focus on what you can do now.

Hugs & more hugs. Be kind to yourself.

Linda

[Kookie]

Thanks so much for the kind reply Linda! I needed as many virtual hugs as I could get yesterday!! In the bright light of this morning I feel so much stronger and have had a sweet text from my Mum. Sometimes I do wonder how much is my sh1t because although she was very depressed and unavailable emotionally when I was growing up (sent to boarding school in a different country aged 11 didn't help) she is really loving now for the most part. I think I have a lot of unforgiveness and pain from the past and one little, admittedly very strange, inappropriate comment from a stranger taps into my pain from past years. It's a mystery to me sometimes, wish I could grow a thicker skin around her as it can't be easy for her either. Linda I have NO doubt that you are not causing your eldest daughter any long term harm. The fact that you even consider that as a possibility makes you light years away from my own mother who was totally shut down and very young when she had me. She has never dealt with her own very dramatic abandonment issues. What my mum and I have I think is an early attachment issue.. I've read about early attachment (did a paper on it at uni). Anyway I've read your blog over the months and you sound like a very loving, very involved, very diligent parent. Xx

[lpearlmom]

Kookie-

It must be tough figuring it where your issues stop & your mums start. Probably best to just take a breather from her as needed. I agree attachment issues are more serious than the normal parent-child conflict. Thank you for putting that into perspective for me.

It's got to be awfully tough having a kind of basic need that was never fully satisfied. I'm glad you're feeling better today. Amazing what a good nights sleep can do.

[Kookie]

Sunday's food: a continues stream of eating the following..

Kettle crisps
Oatcakes
Cheese
Carrots
Cucumbers
Dip
Maple syrup coated nuts
Dried mango

I'm not unhappy with my food yesterday as above because at least I stayed away from unrefined sugar which is what I know I need to do for my various and many health complaints. I had a friend over and we were nibbling whilst watching True Detective (OMG - utterly brilliant).

Monday
B/ 2 boiled eggs, 8oz butternut squash/sweet potatoe in olive oil
Milky coffee
L/ (still to come) chicken, green beans, sweet potatoe/butternut squash in olive oil, 1 apple, milky tea

This morning I am quite shocked to find out that one of my good friend's friends is engaged to a very high profile celeb. I have met her and she is truly astonishingly beautiful and smart and deserves a prince charming but in true self-absorbed fashion I am making it all about me and feeling like a failure. I get these shame attacks more and more because I can no longer fall back on the belief that I am still young and there is still time for my dreams to come true and for me to fulfill my potential. So now I feel desperate to find my path in life and be successful in some small way. Or if not successful, at least have a family of my own. I am 38 and single, working in a dead end job, still obsessed with food and weight and still feeling paralysed to do anything about it. And I am tortured by all the many many amazing opportunities I have let pass me by because I was scared/bingeing/felt fat/tired etc.

Okay - end of pity party! Time to turn this ship around!

There are many good things happening. I am finally getting all my health problems sorted out, I am hopefully going to be involved in a conservation project very close to my heart (and the lead conservationist is extremely cute!), I have a good job (albeit deadend) and amazing friends. And I am starting an eating coaching course in October which I think will be interesting and possibly the start of a new side-line career. But if not, certainly an additional step towards full recovery from my eating disorder.

Linda - thanks so much for the acknowledgement...yes, I think it is hard to live with this unresolved attachment issue but knowledge is power and I have to learn to mother myself and tend to that hunger myself rather than go to my biological mother to meet the need. Because I think that even if my biological mother suddenly became nurturing and gave me everything I needed then as a baby, I would still have the hunger because the moment has passed and the hunger is sealed off now. The need is unmeet-able except by myself. It is no longer fair to continue in the vein I have been, harbouring the illusion that it will be satisfied, that I will be satisfied. I can be but only if I first let go of the belief that it can come from anywhere but within.

[eschano]

Hi Kookie,

I've just been catching up on your thread and my heart goes out to you. You have a great attitude and I agree that gratefulness is very important for happiness. For me, comparing myself is always a bad idea. Also, your age is meaningless. If you worried about a family think about freezing your eggs. In all other regards: 38 is still young!!! And by the way, my boyfriend's mum told me yesterday that she is going to a friends wedding who is 56. Her first wedding. It just shows that there is no such thing as too late and at 38 you are lightyears away from that.

As for mothering yourself. I also have a weird relationship with my mum, albeit different from yours but I found it very healing to start accepting mothering from other sources. Before I had subconsciously always rejected mothering from others, now I cherish it and it also helped me create a different relationship to my mum.

I hope I didn't overstep.

[automatedeating]

Kookie, I was reading your thread and wanting to support you but not sure how. Eschano of course had the perfect words. She's good, isn't she?

So anyway I think all I can add is that your paragraph discussing the good things is great. Focus on those good things. Follow your dreams NOW. Follow your heart NOW. That's all you can do, right, and then--you won't have those regrets about the choices you made when you were 38.

[Kookie]

Eschano, what a lovely, kind and uplifting post. Thank you so much, it has really lifted me up. You're right, 38 is young and there is no cause for despair!!! I was just comparing my life (big mistake) to my peers ALL of whom are married with kids. Even my gay friends are as good as married. But the saying 'keep your eyes on your own plate' applies in other areas too and I need to be disciplined about that. 'Compare and despair' is a very true addage and I needed reminding. Actually, I have thought about freezing my eggs but haven't really got round to giving it serious consideration....might have to revisit this although I tend to be more philosophical about it ie if it's meant to be it'll be. Also, I have advanced endometriosis and I wonder if I am even fertile. Again, probably something to check. Am writing that in my to do diary as we speak because it might be good to know one way or another. Yes, that feels right actually.

Love what you say about mothering and my therapist has said the same ...that mothering energy can come from lots of different sources including nature, animals as well as friends. I need to welcome it and learn to receive more. That would definitely take the load off my Mum too.

Thanks eschano, I feel heaps better Hope you had a good weekend!

[Kookie]

S/ raw sheep's cheese (3oz), roasted aubergine in coconut oil, big green salad with olive oil and balsamic

Tummy a bit backed up. Feel I will need to give up dairy (mainly milk) as I think it does upset my bowels but just thinking about that for now...

[lpearlmom]

Kookie,

I do the comparing thing a lot. And when you have kids it just gets worse with all the competitive parenting that goes on.

You're definitely still young. I'm 45 and just now trying to figure out how to find something meaningful to do (other than mothering). Sometimes I feel panicked but tonight my daughter reminded me that you have to be 45 to be a US president and suddenly I realized it's not too late to start on a new adventure. It's kind of exciting to think about reinventing oneself.

I'm currently working through Barbara Sher's book "I could do Anything if I only knew what it was" to help me get more focused on a plan. I'm finding it super helpful. Here's a link if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/Could-Anything-On ... 972&sr=1-1


I may never find the answer but the point is to keeping looking for the point!

Linda

[eschano]

Oh Kookie, I'm so delighted I could be of some help! You seem to know the truth of your youth anyways Sometimes it just needs a stranger to remind ourselves. Also, your food sounds amazing. I always get inspired by what recipes people put here.

Oh, and Linda, I'm checking out that book.

[Kookie]

B/ bit pot of quinoa with 1.5oz tahini, 1 green apple
Large milky coffee
L/ sweet potato and butternut, chicken thighs, green beans
Milky tea x2 throughout afternoon
S/ beef, quinoa, roasted aubergine in coconut oil
Milky tea

In bed now feeling ok. Saw Dr Mantzourani tonight who reiterated the importance of staying away from dairy, sugar and gluten and even chocolate and coffee for me. Dammit. I know dairy has to go and I know I need to take this seriously. Interesting that said dairy is worse than grains for my condition in her experience. And she stressed the importance of rotation so I'm going to have to give my meal planning a bit of thought. I'm quite pleased actually because I do tend to stick to the same old food and get very bored of it even though I find it delicious. Day after day though it grows dull and bingeing becomes all the appealing if only for the variety it affords.

Tummy bloated. Definitely milk a contributing factor. I'll let I go on Thursday as it'll be 1st May - a good day for a fresh start. I'll experiment with almond milk again even though I think I hate it. I hate all the milk substitutes apart from soy milk which is so bad for its effects on hormones.

I think it's time to take my body seriously and stop putting things into it which hurt it. Just until it heals. There'll still be ways to treat myself so I don't need to worry.

Linda - thanks for the book recommendation...I'll check it out! I actually do have a plan (starting a course in October and have recently got involved in a very exciting conservation project)..I think the feeling like a failure part is more to do with not having a family AND not having a career (I could at least have one of those ) but I think the key for me is going to be establishing a daily spiritual/emotional practice so that I can build up my inner resources and learn to find peace and stillness and acceptance. I love your comments Linda, thanks for stopping by!

Eschano - thanks for liking my meals!! I'm going to have to start getting more creative with them from now on which should be fun...!! I'm going to pop over to your blog in the next day or two to say hi

[clarinetgal]

Hi, Kookie, I've been reading through some of your check in, and I, too have to deal with the low FODMAPS plan. There are certain foods that just really bother me. I also try to really limit my dairy. Anyway, I will try to read more of your check in tonight, but I can identify with some of your health issues.

[Kookie]

B/ half a pineapple
2 very large milky coffees
L/ lamb with rice noodles and a fennel salad with raisins
2 milky teas
S/ 2 eggs, quinoa, spinach cooked in butter, half a pineapple
3 milky drinks

Stomach much the same. Developing a pattern of going before bed and again in the morning.

It was a very tough day - no time to check out other peoples blogs like I planned. One of the female partners at work has it in for me. She is such a dangerous and manipulative woman, intent on casting me in a bad light. Quite chilling and I need to somehow get out of fear because those sort of people thrive on it and can smell it at 100 paces.

My boss also took his frustration out on me. I'm much more feisty than I used to be and stood up for myself but am still very affected by tension at work. I'm seriously not paid enough to get so stressed and have such a heavy workload.

Still thinking about the amalfi holiday and thinking I won't go. My fear is that come September I won't feel so anxious about it and will then regret it. But I've had enough experience of going away with my mum to know that it's just too risky. Better to get on well with her in short bursts than go on a very intense walking holiday for 8 days.

Am very tired and building up a big sleep deficit.

Tomorrow I give up dairy - well, let's just say milk for now, I still reserve the right to meet my NEED for an occasional pizza. I need to do it, I know I do. It'll be fine. I had loads of milky drinks today in anticipation. I'm giving myself a delicious breakfast tomorrow as a way of nurturing myself through the transition away from milk. Will try almond milk (again) in my coffee to see if it's improved since my last attempt.

Clarinetgal - good to know I'm not the only one having to navigate the fodmaps! Will hopefully get a chance to stop before your blog before too long.

[eschano]

Hi Kookie,

Ugh, that work situation sounds bad! I hate when an otherwise enjoyable job becomes horrid do to unhappy people.

As for the holiday with your mum: I suggest if you don't go you should plan your own holiday at the same time so you have something fun to look forward to instead of sitting at work, regretting it.

Good luck with the milk! There are some delicious lactofree options out there that are not soya or almond so I would recommend that.

[lpearlmom]

So sorry about the work thing. At least you know you have a plan for moving forward so it sounds like this won't be a forever job.

Good luck with the dairy-free thing!

[Kookie]

B/ homemade coconut flour & linseed roll with almond butter
Black coffee
L/ beef, roasted courgette in olive oil, quinoa, spinach in butter, bunch of red seedless grapes
Black teas throughout afternoon
S/ half a roasted chicken, fries and green beans with garlic butter
1 glass red wine
Tea with coconut cream

Am really struggling to stay afloat. Too busy to check other peoples' blogs which I'm feeling guilty about and annoyed because I love reading them. Tummy much less bloated after just one day off milk. Damn!

Very tired. Annoyed with this guy Chris the conservationist. I felt stung by his response to some work I did for him and responded quite unprofessionally by email because my pride was hurt. He has responded very sweetly which makes me love him more! Basically I got involved because he's very attractive and loves animals - I either want to marry him or work for him. So I volunteered my services. Urgh, why am I so tricky?!? It's like after a lifetime of not standing up for myself (not for any reason other than I only cared about surviving my bulimia) I am now a bit feisty without the laissez faire temperament to go with it!

Ah bed, I can't wait!

Eschano - great suggestion on organising a trip at the same time as the amalfi thing...also sounds like the 'boy' is making NoS easier! Enjoy it!!

Linda - thanks as ever for the support...milk free has been ok today! I've made my meals doubly delicious which definitely helped...

[clarinetgal]

Kookie, I'm glad dairy free has gone okay for you, so far. I find that when I eat dairy free (or at least keep it to a bare minimum), I feel SO much better. I haven't kept up with my check in for awhile, but I'm thinking about starting it back up again. I have 20 pounds left to lose (out of 62 total), so I need to get better about staying on track with my eating.

[eschano]

Yummy, coconut cream as a substitute, that sounds amazing. I have no problem with milk but I'll definitely try that one!

Well, if Chris sent you a lovely email back, just apologize and say thanks for the pointers

[Kookie]

Weigh day: 57.3kg
B/ 3oz raw cashew nuts, 1 banana, 1/2 a Granny Smith apple
Coffee with coconut cream (yuck!)
L/ brown rice, chicken, green beans, roasted red pepper
S/ 5 crackers and a massive mug of hot almond milk

Very gassy after coffee (definitely the guar gum in the coconut cream, I think)...had it before breakfast so it's not the nuts or apple (fodmap). Very gassy too after lunch - the red pepper? Ate the crackers because I had a dentist appointment - very expensive teeth whitening and I'm disappointed in the result - so wasn't sure I'd be able to eat after. Almond milk when I got home because I desperately want a clean N day today going into the weekend but needed a little something.

Was very tired today and stressed and felt 'put upon' at work. Everyone asking me to help them. Went waaaay beyond the call of duty so only have myself to blame. Then got a snarky text from a friend...I know she's in a bad place, going through a divorce but she was very sarcastic and petty. I've always been a little wary of her and this is probably the death knoll of the friendship. Don't need it in my life. She's so full of self-pity and bitterness (which I probably am too, yikes) and I find her company very draining and I always feel a little on edge. I admire her in so many ways but she's never been someone I can be myself with. I always come away from her feeling inferior and empty.

That's all. Going to get an early night. I do feel the loss of milk quite acutely now but it'll get easier and the hope of better health and a greater ease in my body is keeping me going. I really want health (particularly digestive) more than anything now. It's held me back my whole life, then the eating disorder complicated matters and now I'm ready to do what I need to do. Slow changes are key but moving toward at auto-immune type paleo diet is I feel what I need to do...

[automatedeating]

Hi Kookie!
I had to laugh when I read about coconut milk/oil in coffee. I tried that for awhile, and yuck! My husband actually likes it, but for me, it's milk that I love (sorry to say that, I know you are trying to avoid dairy). Anway, re: coconut milk in coffee, I feel your pain.

Sorry about your rough day at work, and especially the tension with your "frenemy" I've seen others on this board cut loose friendships that were weighing them down--it definitely can be a LAM event in the right circumstances!

Take care.

[clarinetgal]

I actually like coconut milk in my coffee. You may have been reacting to the red peppers. Since I had my younger DS 2.5 years ago, I have become sensitive to peppers. Sorry about your 'frenemy.' I have someone like that in my life, and being around her is very draining.
I hear you about wanting optimal digestive health! I hope work gets better for you.

[lpearlmom]

Sorry about your difficult friend Kookie. I recently went through something similar. I had this friend that was always having drama and when we were together she would talk about herself nonstop. I literally could barely get a word in edgewise.

After spending time with her, I'd feel absolutely drained & usually a bit depressed. I think I continued to be friends with her because I liked feeling needed at first. She would always say things like " you're such a good listener" and she always told me how good I looked, how lovely my home was etc. Overtime she would stick in these insults in between her compliments leaving me unsure how to respond or feel and of course I couldnt really stick up for myself or give my opinion because she wouldn't let me talk.

Anyway after much soul searching, I decided this wasn't a healthy friendship and that friends are suppose to lift you up, not bring you down. It was really hard, but I finally told her I couldn't be friends with her anymore. I did it the wimpy way through email and I gave her a lame excuse but she definitely got the point that this was final. I felt relieved at first, then very guilty for awhile. Just now I'm seeing that it was the right decision.

The bottom line is that you deserve friendships that make you feel good. Don't settle for anything less.

Best of luck with this as well as your dietary issues.

Linda

[Kookie]

Linda - I think I read about your experience with that friend, if it's the same one you posted about? I agree. Life is too short to hang on to toxic friendships. I barely have time to hang out with the people I really do love let alone time for the d1ckheads It's hard because this girl is very complex, very bright, very good company but in between times, she is very very heavy company, very self-absorbed and depressive and self-piteous. That would be fine but the bottom line is I don't and have never felt comfortable in her company. That's the long and short of it. How do you feel now Linda? I hope you have gone back to feeling relief.

auto - yeah, yuck right? I really thought it was going to be decadent and delicious and healthy to boot but NO. Your husband is so lucky he likes it!!

Thanks for the support clarinetgal! Love that word 'frenemy' hee hee.

Okay, so it was a bank holiday for us in the UK yesterday but I stuck to NoS. I've done pretty well this past weekend apart from a splurge on pistachio nuts (250g!!!). I felt very sick after about 4 hours of eating the offending pistachios and then nauseous and then I was sick. I think they didn't agree with me (beyond the quantity!). Apart from that, my only 'treats' were dried banana chips and dried pineapple and I went out for brunch a couple of times. I'm just trying to figure out how I am going to play my S days so that they are still 'fun' and full of treats. I need parameters for the next few months so that I can really get this healing DONE!

More tomorrow.

[clarinetgal]

I hope you find some treats that work for you.

[Kookie]

Wednesday's food

B/ 2 boiled eggs (eaten at 7:45am because they spilt), 1 apple, handful of dry roasted pumpkin seeds
L/ chicken breast, roasted butternut squash, stir-fried pointy cabbage with chilli
S/ gluten-free pizza with ham and olives, green side salad with restaurant dressing, 1 glass red wine
Packet of airwaves gum

Food was good but I was with a girlfriend for dinner at a restaurant last night. We were sitting outside so she could smoke and I felt tempted all night long. She got quite drunk as she kept ordering more glasses of wine. It was okay and I'm proud that the aftermath only involved me buying a packet of gum. Usually that would be prime binge time, having spent an evening I wasn't in the mood for and didn't have the money for when I had good food at home, tempted to smoke all night...but I didn't!

Today I am exhausted - I woke up at 5am (I find it hard to sleep after red wine) and so I got up and cooked! I find it takes a lot of time and effort to keep on top of my meal prep. I need to think about this because a) I get bored of my food even though I love it b) I get resentful that I 'have' to spend so much time cooking c) I start to worry about how I'd cope if I had a family to feed on top of myself d) too much food in my fridge makes me feel panicky...weird, moi?? And e) when I was in the 12-step food fellowships, I would spent hours prepping my weighed and measured meals in advance and although it's quite therapeutic and calming to do so, it also starts to feel like I'm in a rigid programme again. I need to watch my tendency to get all astronaut and have all my meals in tupperware in the fridge and freezer marked with post-it notes. What am I really trying to control?!? It's best to leave a bit of room for 'what do I FEEL like eating?'.

I like to do a bit of cooking on the weekend to prepare for the week ahead eg/ trays of roasted veggies, cooked meats etc but maybe I should only plan ahead my lunches (which I take to work) and leave my dinners to chance? Not sure. Will give some thought.

My tummy is a bit bloated and trapped windy today. Could it have been the pizza? (albeit gluten free?). Probably the sugar-free gum, more like. Not comfortable.

I'm toying with the idea of going even more strict to accelerate my leaky gut healing and endometriosis...I know that if I were putting my physical health first (and not taking into account my psychological health and the need to avoid 'deprivation' mentality) I would give up all grains, all dairy, alcohol, caffeine, even dried fruit and dark chocolate (currently my only treats on 'S' days)....I might even also give up eggs and nightshades. But for now, I will stick with a milk-free, low grain (but high starch eg potatoes and root veg), lots of fresh fruit, good quality meat, occasional glass of wine, dark chocolate and dried fruit for treats, and occasional gluten free treats. That's good enough, I think.

It's really hard negotiating health issues on NoS!!!

I listen to nutrition/health podcasts every spare minute I have and I think I need to stop doing that as I'm finding it a bit oppressive! My committment for the rest of the week until next Monday is no health/nutrition podcasts! They have very little to teach me now anyway.

[clarinetgal]

Kookie, I can certainly relate to some of what you're saying. Yes, it is hard to navigate No S, when you have health issues. As I've mentioned before, I'm sort of doing FODMAPS, too, because I have food sensitivities (dairy, soy, and onions are the foods I know that bother me) and reflux. I mostly follow the Paleo diet, but I sometimes get really bored with it, so I will sometimes allow myself gluten free starches, beans, or potatoes. I guess you'll have to find a balance with the food prep. A certain amount of food prep is good, but it's not good, if you get too obsessed with it. I hope you find a system that works for you.

[Kookie]

Hi Clarinetgal! Thanks so much for posting.... I think potatoes ARE paleo aren't they? I find my guts love potatoes - white potatoes more so than sweet potatoes. What do you have for treats? I find honey and dates a bit hard on my tummy (high fodmap) but I think maple syrup should be okay although haven't tried. Sugar is actually okay although I know not good for other reasons. I'm pretty much going to try to stick with dried fruit and dark choccy as S treats although cocoa can cause problems for people with gut issues, even without the dairy of milk chocolate. It's a mine field but worth it to feel comfortable.

[clarinetgal]

Sure thing! From my understanding, I think potatoes are a gray area in the Paleo world, but I'm not worried about it. I'm still trying to figure out the treats. I know regular chocolate bothers me, because of the dairy. I like coffee drinks, but I'll probably have to give them up. The safest treats, for me, are GF/DF treats that I bake, or things like dried fruit, any Enjoy Life treats, and DF ice cream and chocolate. Yes, it's definitely worth it to experiment, to find what works.

[Kookie]

Weight: 57.4kg
B: delicious smoothie
L: lamb mince, roasted aubergine in coconut oil,green beans, 1 orange...was very full! Saw me through for 6 hours
S: chicken livers, sweet potatoe, steamed courgette, 1 apple

Loving my food at the mo...

Gotta fly!

[Kookie]

Today:
B: 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach in butter, cashew nuts, 1 orange
L: salmon fillets, roast sweet potatoe, large green salad with olive oil and balsalmic vinegar
S: to be decided....

I'm feeling munchy and it's only 5:15pm. Probably won't eat until 8pm. I definitely could not have eaten more for lunch. I'm beginning to think that I need a fourth meal in the form of an afternoon snack - something like a handful of nuts and a piece of fruit. Am scared to try it though! But it might just free me up a bit because at the moment, I tend to get anxious if I can't go straight home after work (which is the case tonight - I have an errand to run). Usually I am very organised and go straight home after work to a meal cooked and prepared in advance. But life isn't always like that and sometimes I want to stop and smell the roses on the way home without the panic of needing to eat.

Just an idea at the moment, will monitor closely to see if it's 'true' over the next few days...

Had a very emotional weekend and I know it affected my food. Nowhere near as bad as my ED days or even my early NoS days. The only thing I didn't enjoy was the intense craving last night for some gummy sweets. It was 9:30pm so really I could've just gone to bed. I was full after a very large supper - sometimes a massive supper triggers cravings. So counter-intuitive. So I went down to the shop and bought a 120g packet of assorted gummy sweets. Cheap and nasty (but delicious at the time). I was overfull afterwards, having been full to begin with.

So, as S days goes, it was not 'bad' but I really hate hate hate being stuffed to the gills these days. It's a 'skill' I learned as a bulimic. Bingeing without the relief that purging brings to a bursting stomach is no fun and hardly what Reinhard intended!!

I am very emotional at the moment. Very quick to cry and carrying a lot of emotional pain. All the stuff with my mum is coming to the fore in a big way. I can only think that I must be ready to let her go (in a healthy sense). I have decided to get some extra help with it in the form of EFT. Have a session with someone tomorrow. Bring on the peace!

[Kookie]

Today is a FAIL.

After my dinner I had a piece of fruit and then some cashews and then some macadamised and then some pumpkin seeds..basically a nut test.

Grrr.

I'm going nuts!! Maybe it really is a metaphor?!

Mark it and move it...

Still thinking about how a fourth meal in the form of an afternoon snack would've helped today....

Need to switch off my analytical brain and try to rest up. I can analyse it tomorrow.

[Kookie]

Double fail. Just eaten some chocolate. Am SO full. Bleurgh. I hate days like today.

[automatedeating]

Hi Kookie--
Sorry about the rough days. I'm glad you're going to see someone to be able to really share your heart and get support. I'm starting to crave a bit of good counseling myself. Kind of like a massage, it's always a good idea.

[eschano]

Hi Kookie,
When I went on NoS I had lots of emotional stuff come up as well. Because I couldn't medicate with food anymore. It took a while before it normalised but I worked out a lot of stuff.

Also, I used to be starving by dinner time. Now, I'm barely feeling a little twinge of hunger so it's worth not incorporating a snack just yet. I strongly suggest a milky hot drink, like a latte or tea, to make you feel full in between.

[Kookie]

Thanks so much for the kind words auto...I am going to book a massage tomorrow.

Eschano, I so appreciate the suggestion and I think you're right. Milky drink instead of snack feels much safer.

Another fail today. Life is painful right now! Had an amazing session with trauma EFT woman. Really powerful. Came home and binged - not so powerful

[lpearlmom]

*hugs* sorry about the rough patch. I know you'll push through this Kookie and good for you for seeking help. Not always an easy thing to do I know.

Linda

[eschano]

Oh Kookie, you know, when I did therapy I always binged after my sessions. When you come from a lifetime habit of soothing yourself with food it's hard not to. but you know what? It's ok! Maybe even just make the days you're in therapy S days and plan a super great treat afterwards. Life is not just about dieting and sometimes we have a lot of sh*t to work out and that should take priority. If you stick to NoS all other days I figure you'll be fine.

[Kookie]

I didn't get notifications that I had any new posts! Thank you so so much Linda and Eschano.

Really, I am just desperate now. Have binged every night for ... Don't even know how long, feels like weeks. I keep getting distracted by thoughts of doing Kathleen DesMaisons 'Potatoes not Prozac' or maybe I just need to reintroduce more carbs.

To be honest, I've been eating plenty of carbs...it's probably not about the food, it's emotional stuff but when I am bingeing all I can think about is what food plan will save me. It's horrific. So depressing to be 38 and still doing this after all these years. Home alone with the TV and the food. I think I need to give up tv.

I was invited to go to the seaside this weekend but as I already had plans on Saturday and a day trip on Sunday with a girlfriend I don't think I will go. But I'm beating myself up about it because it's an opportunity to do something new and exciting and different. But I just can't seem to do it - it's too spontaneous to just Jack in my plans and bomb off. It's too scary although it'd probably be hugely freeing and good for me.

Life is a gift and I know I should be grateful but it just feels so tough when I'm not able to control my eating. Everything turns to ashes.

[lpearlmom]

Kookie: it's hard not to get sucked in by different eating plans. I've been doing it my whole life. Maybe give yourself permission to play around w ideas within the context of NoS? I'm all for more carbs if you think it might lift your mood.

Sorry you weren't able to go to the seaside but I commend you for sticking to your original plans. At least you're getting invitations and have a social life, right?

I'm not super spontaneous either. I like to have tine to plan things out. It's okay. Everyone's different. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're fine just the way you are.

Hang in there.

Linda

[clarinetgal]

I too, have been struggling with eating at night, as of late. I have found that I do better when I do something else at night, besides watch TV. I've been trying to read more, or play my clarinet. I second what Linda said.

[automatedeating]

Kookie,
I think eschano and Linda and clarinetgal all had great thoughts! I would just like to echo them and line them up to emphasize:
*you're fine just the way you are (and people like you just the way you are)
*It's perfectly normal to have old food habits emerge during counseling. I have personal experience with that. I think eschano is brilliant to suggest that you plan on S Days with counseling.
*Plan something to do in the evenings other than watch TV, so that you break out of the cycle of eating/TV/feeling bad about yourself. Sounds like you're naturally a planner.

[Kookie]

I am so touched by all of your responses. It means so much and makes a huge difference to me.

eschano - I think it's a good idea giving myself an S day on therapy days but I just feel reluctant to do that for some reason. As a compromise, I think I'd be prepared to plan an extra meal eg/ a big baked potatoe when I get home in addition to my 3 meals. That's sort of in keeping with the Potatoes not Prozac ideas which I'm experimenting with...

Linda - you absolutely hit the nail on the head...I am going to do my experimenting within the context of NoS. I definitely had been trying to go more paleo and it was NOT working for me. Not sure if it was physical or purely psychological (triggered diet-head) but either way, it's been a great exercise revisiting the Potatoes not Prozac book because it's given me the impetus I needed to add back in complex carbs to every meal and to be more vigilant that I am getting enough protein. I know it's only been a few days but I swear I feel so much calmer and less impulsive already. Food really can be medicine! So thanks so much Linda, you're very wise and intuitive. God knows I could do without jumping on every passing bandwagon but if I can gather some useful information from said bandwagons as they pass by, then great!

Clarinetgal - are you psychic??? Thanks so much for your suggestion.. I had literally decided that I need to plan my TV viewing in advance and cut it down drastically and I am looking to order a weighted keyboard (used to play the piano) so that I have an alternative hobby to my current one of 'binge-whilst-watching-sh1t-tv'...!! Thank you for giving it your time and attention! x

Auto - you're just so awesome. I love reading you and find that I really identify with a lot of what you write, possibly because we are the same age. Thanks so much for reiterating the highlights of what has been suggested to me - such spot on pearls of wisdom from everyone!

Like dolphins do when one of their number is sick, I feel like you have all been nudging me to the surface for air. THANK YOU!

[Strawberry Roan]

Like dolphins do when one of their number is sick, I feel like you have all been nudging me to the surface for air. THANK YOU!

What a beautiful post, I feel exactly the same way about this board and my fellow posters.

I wish you well and will echo an earlier theme posted. When life seems chaotic, knowing that one can control their food and exercise - without any outside intervention - helps add some serenity. No matter how crazy things might be within a family dynamic or a workplace, we alone control our choices as far as how we treat our bodies.

[clarinetgal]

I'm glad I could help. I'm sure you will enjoy the keyboard. Playing my clarinet is so calming for me. I saw what you said about Paleo, and I agree with you! While I like a lot of the ideas behind Paleo, I just cannot completely eliminate grains, beans, peas, and potatoes. If I eat too low carb, I feel tired and depressed. I'll be interested to read more about your Potatoes Not Prozac experiment.

[Kookie]

I have been reading back over my posts and all of the amazing, wise and generous responses from so many of you. Some of them I missed in my black haze and didn't respond directly to so apologies if I haven't thanked anyone!!! (there was one that auto posted which I didn't refer to although I loved!). I am always touched when people post on my thread.

So I've decided that I just want to keep posting on here about where I'm at even if it isn't food related as it helps me to feel witnessed and I have begun to really feel like this is a safe space to work things out.

Food-wise I've started having complex carb at every meals and more protein a la 'Potatoes Not Prozac'. It's really really helping to steady me and I think my binges and sugar cravings will continue to ease more and more. I really do seem to need complex carb and quite a lot of protein. But I am doing as Linda suggested and keeping all my changes within the context of NoS. Speaking of which, I had started not only to go more paleo on N days (and hence less complex carb in the form of grains) but also was trying to stay away from sugar on S days. This was not working for me, to put it mildly. So I've taken all rules out of my S days as it was defeating the object of - not to mention killing the joy - of NoS for me!!

'Potatoes Not Prozac' advocates working on one step at a time (I'm on the first step which is concerned with getting breakfast right: enough protein, complex carb, eating within an hour of waking...) and I'll try to keep this up on S days too but the rest of the time I'm eating according to Vanilla NoS.

Having said that, I don't think I can blame my recent binge episodes entirely on some sort of rebound to what I was doing with food. I have some significant internal shifts going on, the timing of which I can't quite explain! Regardless of biochemistry I am inherently an emotional eater and boy has it been emotional. It's calming down a bit but I still have a lot to figure out which I'm going to post about here...

As I've already mentioned, my Mum has invited me, my brother and his wife on a walking holiday along the Amalfi coast in September. I am in a holding pattern with this. I haven't decided either way. My Mum is doing her best to give me space to decide and in the mean time, I have started a dialogue with my brother about what happens in the family environment that turns us against each other. My Mum is also open to discussing the dynamics which see me so hurt and upset and everyone else a bit cross and confused.

So that's that. Even if Amalfi doesn't happen, at least we're getting real with each other about the family system.

But as if one tricky holiday decision wasn't enough, my Dad has invited me, my brother and his wife on holiday to Hawaii! My Dad's girlfriend will also be there but in every other respect, it is almost a mirror of the Amalfi trip: potentially hazardous emotional ride in the most beautiful setting. This trip is set for mid July. So the dialogue that had started with me and my brother (with his wife as intermediary - very brave!!) may have to speed up in time for the Hawaian adventure. I know these are high class problems but they are my problems and very difficult in view of the abuse I suffered at their hands.

The big difference for me between the two is that my Dad will foot the bill for the Hawaii trip as long as I get my flight. I'd fly to San Fransisco which is where my brother lives. I have a friend in Napa who I'd love to see for a couple of days which is an added incentive to go. But the same old concerns are there: my Dad is a difficult bugger and was actually responsible for the tension that me and my brother experience whenever there is a third party involved. Growing up, there was a finite amount of love and attention and if I was getting it, my brother was not and visa versa. It was classic 'divide and rule' behaviour. But forearmed is forewarned so if me and my brother can stay united, it could be an okay time. Plus I feel slightly safer emotionally with my Dad vs my Mum.

So the question is: do I go to Hawaii and not Amalfi or do I jack in both? Or do I go on both???

I have found an amazing trauma therapist who has introduced me to matrix reimprinting with EFT (sounds 'woo woo' but is so powerful). I am actually going to train to become an EFT practitioner, I've decided. There is a course at the end of June or at the end of August which I'm going to do. I feel strongly that this will clear this childhood trauma for me which years of therapy has been unable to reach.

So if I do the EFT course at the end of June I could work hard to get myself ready for both the July and September trips and just nail both holidays.

Or I could say 'no' to both holidays and focus on the trauma work without feeling I have to rush. Or just go to Hawaii because that feels safer than Amalfi.

I am almost certain I am over-complicating things because I feel obliged to say yes to my parents. And I want to see my brother who I adore and haven't seen for 3 years!! And apart from these family holidays, he has no leave from work. My brother is my priority and we don't get along when one or other parent is around. It's bad enough with any third party but particularly a parent. But I want to hang out with him and if I go myself at another time, he will be working all day.

It's so confusing.

I think if I'm honest, I'd rather not go on either holiday - sounds spoilt to turn down such magical places but the emotional fallout might not be worth it. I'd rather stay in the UK and focus on seeing friends and staying safe and doing this course in EFT. I am also moving house this summer.

But on the other hand I want to face my family sh1t eventually as I don't want the old conditioning to 'win' as it were. And I've always always wanted to go to Hawaii and Amalfi!

I'm at work so really shouldn't be posting for so long but it feels pressing. My Dad thinks I'm going to Hawaii (and it's tempting as he'd be paying and I'd get to see my friend in Napa) and my Mum is waiting impatiently to hear about Amalfi. Hawaii is the sooner (july). I have to decide about Amalfi by July otherwise I'd lose my deposit on the holiday.

Inside my head is a complex maze!

I know this is a NoS forum but I trust that only those who want to read this mess will still be reading at this point!! It's been quite helpful to get it all out despite feeling no clearer.

[lpearlmom]

Oh Kookie I can relate to the family thing so much! My sister was so mean to me growing up and her favorite thing to call me was fat. As grown ups our relationship is difficult. She doesn't like my husband so that adds another layer of difficulty.

I wish I could just write her off but it's always more complicated with family, right? It hasn't been all bad. We did have lots of fun times too. She did lots of nice things--paid for our engagement rings, took me on a trip ect. Also my kids want to see their cousins. So when she invited me to Las Vegas I accepted.

I don't know if I made the right decision but you know what? I'm just going to go & focus on having fun. Her issues are not about me. They are about her and she's the one that needs to deal with them. Not my problem. Oh yeah and I'm bringing my husband. It's hard but somehow I always feel better when I face things head on.

So not sure if that helps but that's my perspective. As far as ypur food choices go, I think you're on the right track. I'm not a big fan of low carbs. I think the reality is all the food groups are important to health, satiety and mood. It's the combo of those things in each meal that brings about the best results. When we take away one food group it can really throw things off and backfire. I noticed that when I tried the vegan thing (boy did it throw off my moods!).

Lastly, thank you so much for your post on my thread. I really needed the reminder on how lucky I am to have this full life. Also that story about your cat made me laugh so hard. I read it to my girls. Too adorable.

So yes stick around and post about whatever you feel like, god knows I do! I think there's just something so helpful about getting your feelings down on "paper".

Good luck with your decisions. I know it's not easy!

Linda

[automatedeating]

Kookie, sometimes I just imagine myself in a situation and then think, "do I really want to be here or not?" And try to decide whether or not to do something based on that. It's a simple technique, but I've found it quite helpful when making decisions regarding extended family.

Oh, and so cool that you are considering becoming a therapist! This could be just the new career you've been looking for!

[lpearlmom]

Okay, I like autos approach better! Too bad my plane tickets aren't refundable. Seriously though, if it wasn't for my kids sake I don't think I'd subject myself to my sisters company.

You don't owe anyone anything so maybe it's time to do what makes you happy?

Well I know you'll figure out a good solution. I'm excited for you and ypur new endeavors!

[eschano]

If you do go Kookie, make sure you get alone time to enjoy your surroundings by yourself and also some alone time with your brother.

Also, don't expect them to change. Sometimes, if your response to what's going on changes then the dynamic can start changing too. But 1 week is a long time to make a great effort for everyone so don't get upset if you have a couple of tough situations.

Linda, good for you to bring your husband. If he treats you well and you two are happy (which is what it sounds like) than your sister should stay out of your business. Maybe she's jealous.

[Kookie]

Aw, you guys are so sweet. Linda, I liked your first response just fine!! And something resonated in me when you said you just like to 'face things head on'. I'm the same way, actually. Family situations have defeated me emotionally in the past (and sent me off on the most viciously rampant binges in an effort to anaesthetise the pain) BUT if I do a good chunk of trauma work using this new EFT tool (I'm going to do the course end of June if I can get approval from work for take the time off - long story, a couple of the women at work are total and utter mean-spirited b1tches and love to make everything I do difficult - argh) then maybe I can face it head on equipped in a way I've never been before. Sounds like your situation is tricky but you seem pretty clear about it, you are taking your husband (damn your sister's dislike of him) and doing it for your kids. It sounds like you can handle it and are sure so go for it and enjoy!

Auto - I love this suggestion. Using imagination for good!

ESchano - I love your input too.

I have to fly, more later....I want to elaborate but am going out with colleagues and they are hurrying me

[lpearlmom]

Ok good Kookie. I guess what it comes down to for me is that as much as I'd love to avoid my sister forever, at some point I have to face my demons in order to get past the pain.

Eschano: he's a good guy. He's not prefect but I love em. We've been together for some 25 yrs so yeah she needs to just get over it.

Linda

[clarinetgal]

I think your approach of adding the complex carbs and lots of protein sounds good. I know when I eat too low carb, I get pretty depressed. I don't have anything to add to the great advice these ladies have already given you, except that if you do go, you should try to focus on enjoying the beautiful surroundings, and spending time with your brother.

[Kookie]

Weigh day: 57.6kg
Goal weight: 54kg

Logging on here has just saved my bacon...5 minutes ago I was thinking I'd just have an apple. In my heart I knew that the apple would lead to a biscuit which would lead to a packet and then a full-blown binge. I know myself well enough by now.

The intensity of the urge to binge was HUGE so I am very proud of myself right now for putting a pause in.

Wow, so much has happened (if only internally) since I last posted. Today I had a meltdown at work. No point going into details but suffice it to say that I am over this place. Whilst it is definitely true that I am hugely emotional right now and tearful (and did I mention coming off anti-depressants? but very very very very slowly...I've been on a non-therapeutic dose for almost a year and am stopping even that which shouldn't have a withdrawal effect but probably does knowing my highly sensitive system). Nevertheless I think my job is coming up for me a lot and instead of continue with the tears, I have lined up two interviews with recruitment agencies next week.

The plan had been to stay here until after my course (psychology of eating coaching certificate) which starts in October - March 2015 because starting a new and demanding course alongside my job felt hard enough. But now I think to heck with that, I need a new job regardless of the new course starting in October. I have also mentioned a very short course (5 days) at the end of June which I want to do too - in EFT and matrix reimprinting - as it would be a good adjunct to the eating coaching certificate.

It's hard because I am moving house this summer too so new job, new home and new career training may well be a bit much but sometimes we can't control what needs addressing, can we? My job has been doing my head in for a while so I am just going to start the ball rolling on finding a new one and see what's out there.

Also...my Mum emailed me to say she doesn't think she can afford to go on the Amalfi walking holiday!!! ARgh. She's not 100% sure but says it's looking unlikely as she's had an issue with her house and needs to spend a lot of money on it.

And...the Hawaii trip is off - we're going to find somewhere in California instead which I feel much more comfortable with. It's a long enough flight to San Fransisco for me so I was not relishing the thought of getting on another plane to fly to Hawaii. I had to talk my Dad out of getting angry with my brother who had been assigned the task of finding a place in Hawaii for us to stay. My brother owes me big time for that one but I let my Dad pretend it was his idea to stay in Cali instead. Families are such tricky minefields!!

The truth is that I'm very tired - I've been socialising way more than I'm used to and it's exhausted me - and need to sleep on all of these things and try not to be impulsive, however tempting it is to a) binge and b) hand in my notice right now and c) tell my family to get stuffed! I have achieved all three (so far! still feel like a binge is inevitable! please god let me stick to NoS).

I honestly think that increasing my protein and eating complex carb at every meal has allowed for greater impulse control. I have circumvented prime binge time a few times this week and it feels pretty miraculous.

Clarinetgal - thank you so much for reiterating what has been said before that I need to spend time with my brother alone. I am going to email him or try to speak to him over the weekend and share with him how I think we can manage my Dad together and also ask for some special time alone, just us siblings...also, my weighted keyboard is being delivered as we speak! Yay to a new, healthy hobby!!

Auto - thanks for the vote of confidence re becoming a therapist...actually I am already part-trained as a psychotherapist but didn't finish the course (I was only 22 at the time and the youngest on the training programme by a mile! I felt my peers on the course lacked insight!! They were weird and put me off ) ahh the arrogance of youth). But I really think I'm ready now and I believe in this EFT malarky - it's the most powerful technique I've ever come across and I've tried everything to find peace! I'm excited about it. Just need to get approval to take the days off work at the end of June to do the 5 day course which is why I got so upset yesterday. The 'system' wouldn't let me take the days off even though I had okay-ed it with my colleagues. My boss, a weak man, was a bit of an asshole and was making a fuss but will probably approve it ultimately. Maybe it's a sign I should do it in August instead and give myself a bit of breathing space as there's a lot going on in the next few weeks.

[Kookie]

ps/ I'm eating a very early dinner (5:30pm) because I'm going to the theatre tonight and didn't want to eat out....so I'm allowing myself a small meal when i got home if I don't think a big milky drink will do the trick.

[lpearlmom]

Wow Kookie so awesome that you were able to avoid the binge! I guess your family plans are starting to sound more manageable?

I don't think the EFT stuff looks like malarky at all (I googled it). It looks like very powerful stuff actually. My mil is a psychotherapist and she really loves her job. It was a later in life career choice for her but has been great. She still works and is now even able to see patients from home so it seems like it could have a lot of flexibility and be very fulfilling at the same time.

Hope you can find a little peace & quiet this weekend!

Linda

[clarinetgal]

Boy, you really do have a lot going on right now. I hope another job opportunity comes along for you, because I don't think it's worth it to stay in a stressful work environment, unless you have to do it bacause of finances, or something. Great job on staying on track with No S! I hope you were able to have a nice night at the theater. Also, I hope you are able to get some alone time with your brother.

[automatedeating]

Hi Kookie!
Sorry about your rotten work situation. I really hope that the EFT or something else soon gets you into a happier workplace.

And it seems like one thing is clear re: summer/fall travels: you want to see your brother! And it looks like that is going to happen, which is good news. Maybe you could stay at your brother's house at the end of the trip for a few extra days?

[eschano]

Sounds like you're making great life decisions. As for Amalfi: well, one problem that solved itself in my eyes.

[Kookie]

Yesterday was a bank holiday in the UK so today is my first day back at work. I am amazed at how moderate my weekend was, actually. I really am finding my impulse control a heck of a lot better since instituting a proper breakfast within an hour of waking. I didn't eat anything after the theatre on Friday night which was very pleasing! I went on a day trip with some friends and did eat a lot on Saturday including dessert but so did everyone else and I didn't go on to overeat at the end of the day too just because I could.

Sunday was pretty much a normal 'N' day in terms of my food. This was actually quite a lot to do with the fact that I had a tentative date on Monday but it turned out that the date was today instead (over lunch). I just got back from it. This guy is awesome - he's a conservationist (quite well known now) and totally my kind of person. I am helping him out with a bit of research so it wasn't officially a 'date' except in my mind!!! Psycho, moi?! Anyway, turns out he has 2 kids and I think he is still with their mother (although not married). So there goes that dream!! Dammit!! I'm actually pretty gutted about this!! But thankfully I found out early on and I will still help him with his project.

Tonight is EFT matrix reimprinting session number two. I've decided that I won't sign up for the course at the end of June as it was difficult to get the days off work and I just don't feel like fighting the system at work. Besides, there is another course end of August and that feels a bit more restful. June was too soon and I have a lot going on medically so it's not a bad thing to have to wait a little while to do it.

I met a girlfriend yesterday who is extremly sweet, also recovering from an eating disorder. She's a bit older than me and is running a successful business etc. She has a very vivid story, including overcoming a heroin addiction! She told me her food plan which involves a decent breakfast and lunch but only a piece of fruit for dinner - yikes! I didn't for a minute think that sounded like a good idea so maybe I am learning not to jump on every single bandwagon that passes by.

eschano - thanks for the vote of confidence! I do feel like I am getting clearer on where I want to go in life and this company ain't it! As for Amalfi, well let's see. My Mum is so tricky, she has only said she 'MIGHT' not be able to make the trip....god forbid any of us commit

automated - thanks for the comments..and also for the suggestion to stay on with my brother after the trip with my Dad. I really want to try and organise that...hopefully me and my brother will still be talking at that point!!

clarinetgal - thanks for the post! I agree, life is too short to stay unnecessarily in a stressful environment. I really have turned a corner now and ready to fly this nest!!

linda - interesting to hear about your MIL...yeah, I think it is a great profession, very portable and flexible. It's not for everyone though as it is quite solitary. I think I might like to be part of a clinic or something, at least initially...I hope you found some p&q too this weekend, must pop over to your thread. Thanks so much for all your support, it really is invaluable.

Just on a final note, I ate fish (in batter) and chips for lunch today and feel too full. I think I may have based my decision on wanting to impress the man (warped reasoning). But I have stuck to NoS so all is not lost. I have EFT tonight so as per the suggestions on this board, I am going to be kind to myself and give myself an S evening. I have packed some healthy banana bread to have before my session and if I need something afterwards then I'll have it.

[clarinetgal]

Too bad about the guy! I hope you meet another nice man soon. It sounds like you're doing well with your eating!

Heather

[Kookie]

Thanks clarinetgal...

Quick update:
Binged my head off Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Nevertheless I managed to register with two employment agencies on Wednesday (one before work and one after). Then took Thursday off work as I was feeling exhausted. Started to feel nauseous and developed a migraine and was very sick all afternoon and night on Thursday and Friday as well. The upside of being sick is that it interrupted the bingeing roll I was on and my food has been great ever since. I didn't make the most of 'S'aturday and 'S'unday because I just knew that if I ate anything too 'treat' like I would be off on a binge. Amazingly managed to think that and then effect it too.

On my mind now is that I have already got a job interview for a job tomorrow evening which will involve leaving work at 5pm. This is tricky as my boss is wary after my two sick days. Still, the job is worth interviewing for because it could potentially allow me to work from home at least some of the time (which means I could get a doggie!!).

But my flat is now on the market officially and I'm very concerned that it will be too much for me to change jobs AND find a new home to move into. It's pretty intense to take on two big stressors, not to mention the trauma work I am doing.

ARgh!

I can't put the breaks on with the house move so maybe I do need to put the breaks on job-wise. It's hard to do because as of last Wednesday I have had phone calls and emails galore (flattering but also stressful!) from employment agencies.

I am reading the Potatoes Not Prozac boards a lot and although I don't find them as easy to use or the people as lovely as you guys, I do think that approach fits with my particularly sensitive biochemistry. It's hard for me not to want to jump in with both feet and start posting there and immerse myself fully but at the same time I don't really find their boards user-friendly and I'm too exausted to start again on a new board! But the superstitious and perfectionist part of me thinks I need to do it properly or else not at all!

Hope everyone is well and I'm sorry I've been so self-absorbed and haven't read anyone else's blogs for a while.

[lpearlmom]

Wow you have a lot going on right now! I hope you can make a decision that will be best for you in the long-term.

If the potatoes not Prozac thing is working for you that's great but I doubt very much it has to be followed exactly to be beneficial. Remember there's no magic bullets or secret formula. I know I used to focus on diets when things got too stressful. It's such a good distraction sometimes and that's okay but just try to keep it in perspective.


Hope things settle down for you a bit soon.

Linda

[clarinetgal]

That sounds like a tough decision on the job front. I hope you can come to a clear answer soon.

[eschano]

Well, just quit my job so we can be job-hunt buddies

It sucks that you have to deal with the flat at the same time but the advantage is that you can either look for a flat closer to your job or the other way around. maybe it's even worth taking a 2-3 months short rental until you have your job figured out as an idea.

[Kookie]

Thanks so much ladies:
Linda - you are very intuitive! Always looking for the magic bullet
Clarinetgal - my keyboard arrived yesterday! Yay!
eschano - hehe, yes let's go a-job huntin' together! Great idea about rental for a while until the job situation becomes clearly but actually events have unfolded..

So a quite update:

I have learnt a few old lessons again since my last post and am in the midst of learning some new ones...

In a nutshell, in lieu of facing my life in all it's chaotic glory, I spent some time at the end of last week formulating a food plan (a stricter variation of NoS involving no sugar or alcohol ) which I planned to do for 30 days. It was a disaster - no surprises - and I promptly fell off the wagon after 2 days. I think with all my late night, post trauma therapy bingeing I just panicked about my weight gain and reverted to type (diet mentality).

It seems I have a very strident Inner Rebel who does not like to be in chains (even if only for 30 days) and I had forgotten that the beauty of NoS is that the weekend with its S days is never far away..it appeals to my Inner Rebel as well as my Inner Control Freak/Inner Critic.

So, not to be deterred, I am still insisting on a diet but this time within the bounds of NoS so that I can throw my soul a bone with some treats on weekends. The plan is to try intermittent fasting a la the 5:2 diet, but just the odd day here and there. So I'll give it a go tomorrow and try to keep to 500 kcals then back to normal on Friday then S days over the weekend as usual. Basically normal Vanilla NoS with the occasional (once weekly perhaps) day of fasting.

Crazy - definitely! Open to persuasion not to do this? Absolutely not.

In other news, I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I only found out today. The agent totally misrepresented the job - she said they were looking for someone who could work from home for 3 out of the 5 days per week. I didn't think this was a 'perk' but more a preference on the part of the client. If I'd known, I would never have brought it up in an initial interview. It's all very strange, the woman I interviewed with spent an hour and a half with me. She told me things 'she really shouldn't say but'...She was definitely interested so the feedback from the agent felt a bit dissonant. Apparently I didn't seem keen enough on the job or interested in the company. In truth I wasn't but I am usually a pretty proficient bluffer!!!

It's very odd as I do usually interview well. I also felt quite stung by the agent who gave me the feedback - she seemed to be relishing putting me in my place and lecturing me on how it is best not to bring up the benefits of the job before you have been offered it. I told her that I would never have brought up the working-from-home aspect but that I was under the impression that this was what the client wanted! I didn't outright blame the agent but she knows she didn't communicate well. She was clearly covering her as$ and trying to put it on me when she actually misrepresented the job to me. It was embarrassing in the interview to discover this and the woman interviewing me did also apologise that I had been given misinformation. So I did have to do some back-tracking and thinking on my feet but I thought I'd pulled it off. Sh1t, my skills aren't what they used to be. Or rather, my emotional state is not able to be hidden. Scary.

The other weird thing is that yesterday I was booked in to have eye laser surgery to correct my (very mild) myopia and astigmatism. The surgeon refused to operate on me based on questions I asked in my pre-op chat with his assistant! It was SO weird, he seemed angry with me. Honestly, it feels like the universe is treating me differently. Either both the eye surgery and the job were 'blocked' for my benefit and I need to trust fate OR my energy is a bit off at the moment. I know the latter is true, I am shedding a lot of old crap and have been incredibly delicate emotionally. But even taking this into account, both are quite unusual for me.

All very humbling and a bit unnerving.

Also, I have gone ahead and paid a deposit to get my teeth fixed (with lingual braces - ie behind the teeth) and I have discovered that my friend's braces are being done by exactly the same orthodontic practice for £2000 less! I challenged them and they said price is determined by level of complexity. I don't want to be eternally suspicious and critical but it just seems a bit much!! Besides, even she agrees that her teeth are much more complex than mine.

Discombobulating.

No wonder I'm clinging to the old familiar control of my food. I am at sea in terms of how I am showing up in the world. I'm shifting and shedding and changing (or else just going mad) and the feedback from 'out there' is reflecting this. But having said that, I am actually feeling okay in myself - much stronger and less tearful. Go figure!

[eschano]

Wow Kookie, in my experiences those off-periods always come before some wonderful change so hang on in there.

[Kookie]

Eschano, what a lovely take on the whole affair. I am going to adopt it and stay positive.

Just feel the need to post my plan for tomorrow's food (not doing the fasting thing as realised I have good food that needs eating ):

Breakfast: 2 eggs with spinach and butter
Lunch: steak, mashed potatoe (with butter and mayo), green beans
Supper: tuna salad with roasted aubergine

Today has been:
Breakfast: big bowl of porridge oats with 1T tahini (delicious)
Lunch: a large wrap (gluten intolerance notwithstanding) with chicken, bacon, avocado, cashews, bean sprouts and lettuce), 1 large orange
Afternoon: milky cup of tea
Supper: (yet to be eaten - meeting a friend for a curry) chicken tikka, spinach dish and aubergine side dish

[automatedeating]

Wow, Kookie, lots of things going on for you. Are you going to try again for the laser surgery?

[clarinetgal]

Yes, it definitely sounds like you have a lot going on! I hope good things come your way very soon.

[Kookie]

Auto - I'm definitely not going to rush into looking for another good eye surgeon. The guy I saw was the absolutely top man in the UK. In fairness to him, I think I did and do have genuine misgivings. Have you had it done?

I am getting the feedback that I have a lot going on right now and I don't know how I feel about that or what I can do about it. I suppose I need to surrender to it as the emotional stuff isn't necessarily in my control to the extent that I think it is. But what I can do is not take on too many additional things and try to factor in fun, rest and other good self-care activities...

Last Saturday I did Level 1 training in EFT (free of charge) and this Saturday and Sunday is the Level 2 training (not free!). The only reason I'd do it is that it is a pre-requisite for Matrix Reimprinting training but this is one thing I think I can hold off on for now. The idea/vision was to get trained up before my nutrition coaching course starts in October so that I have an additional string to my bow but I just think I can afford to cut myself some slack. The training will be there, there is no rush. I think I need a relaxing weekend rather than another frustrating training session (the woman who runs it - also the woman who I am seeing for Matrix Reimprinting - is not the best teacher in the world and I get extremely frustrated so no bad thing to avoid that!).

I know I'm a bit mad at the moment but I am trying intermittent fasting today rather the plan I posted yesterday because my stomach is very unhappy with what I ate yesterday and I genuinely think it would benefit from a break. I will eat 2 boiled eggs and some miso soup at lunch (no breakfast so I will have given my body a nice 17hour break by the time I eat lunch) and beef with butternut squash and brocolli for supper so it's not extreme.

[lpearlmom]

Sorry about your recent hassles. Sometimes I have these days (or weeks) where everything seems to be off but don't assume it's all you. Make sure you take steps to protect for yourself. Can you get a new agent? Can you ask the dentist to show you specifically why your teeth are so expensive? They should be able to give you the exact breakdown.

As for the eye laser surgery, I know a lot of people that have had it with great success. On the other hand, my DH chose not to have it even though it was offered to him for free so your definitely not the only one with misgivings.

I know this will pass and things will get better. Just do your best to nurture yourself in the meantime. My daughter has this cute book that I love called "I love me" and for some reason I always find a couple of the lines in it really powerful. "When I fall down, I pick myself up." "When I'm sad, I cheer myself up" (picture of a girl throwing herself a tea party).

When I read that I'm always having the same thoughts "oh yeah, I don't have to wait around for someone else to make me feel better, I'm powerful & can do it on my own". Not that you're waiting around at all but I think that's what I do and love the reminder that I have everything I need to help myself feel better.

Anyway that's a long winded way of saying things will get better.

Big *hugs* linda

PS I'm pretty sure there's a couple of people on here (oolala?) that have done interment fasting so I think it's okay to try. If it's not for you, you can always ditch it.

[Kookie]

Thanks so much Linda. In answer to your questions, I can and will get a new agent. I'm already registered with another agent so will register with another 'nother one so that I have a couple on the case although to be honest, I think it's actually a blessing in disguise because to start a new job, move house and deal with the emotional sh1t that has decided to surface may well tip me over the edge!!. I think keeping my job steady, warts and all, may be called for for now.

Yes, I have asked my dentist for a breakdown and they say they can't provide this!!! but now I'm loathe to ask if I can have a refund of the significant deposit I have already paid because I've already had impressions of my teeth taken. Argh!

Really appreciate the support and encouragement and reminder that things will get better! They already are, I'm no longer crying if someone looks at my funny

I just wanted to come on here and say, before the weekend, that I am NOT going to continue with the fasting (binged last night) and am back to Vanilla NoS. I currently weigh 59kgs so it's creeping up and up BUT self-hatred has never been a good platform for change for me! Self-acceptance on the other hand is. Shooting for weight loss ALWAYS backfires so I am taking my eyes off the scale and onto 3 delicious meals. No paleo, fasting, BS. No more!!

So my plan is Vanilla NoS but that for me will be no calories between meals in any sense so if I want a milky drink I will have it with my meals. Between meals is just water or herbal/black tea or coffee. I think this is what Reinhard does too - no calories between meals. Otherwise, I really do drive myself a little crazy over milky drinks, as pathetic as that seems. This is a good compromise for me because I can still have them with (or usually to end) meals. They bloat me and f&ck with my appetite if I have no boundaries around them.

So there it is. I've come full circle.

Another point I want to make is that I need to be serious about PLeASURE. I need to have meals which make my soul sing. Screw weight loss, pleasure is where it's at. If I have what I truly desire, I am satisfied, as oppose to the roving wolf I become when I am eating paleo or whatever other permutation is in vogue for me on any given day.

[clarinetgal]

I hear you on eating for pleasure sometimes! For example, I really wanted hot dogs tonight, so that was what I had: 2 hot dogs, baked beans, and a kiwi. Not the healthiest dinner ( although not super unhealthy, either), and I enjoyed it.

[automatedeating]

I plan to eat for pleasure at every meal. seriously, I do. I think about what sounds good to me, and that's what I plan on. That said, I do plan the meals out ahead of time, so if I change my "preferences" in the middle of the week, too bad.

[Kookie]

Honestly, I feel a bit embarrassed about posting. I think you must all think I am barking mad!!!

Clarinetgal – I think there is something in that...honoring your desires.

Auto - thanks for the post. I didn't get a notification so have only just read it. When you say if you change your preferences then too bad, do you mean that you eat what you planned even if it is not what you want on that day? Which trumps which? Plan over preference or visa versa? Really interesting to hear that you very much take the pleasure principle seriously. I really often don’t unless I’m in a phase (always short-lived) of ‘intuitive eating’.

Since I last posted I have been good/stable and then bad/miserable again – so now I feel like a tearful mess. Another crossroads. I seriously can't get any stability at the moment not with my emotions and not with my food. I also can't NOT try crazy food things. For instance, last Saturday I woke up feeling so awful, tired, flabby, hot, bloated and miserable after a massive sugar/fat/carb binge on Friday night. So I decided that I needed to just go paleo. I have read and listened to so many specialists who say that paleo is the way to go for people with leaky gut (which I have) and/or pretty much any other health issues. So from Saturday until last night my diet consisted of: fruit (lots of it), nuts (too many), meat, veg, fat, root vegetables. I did pretty much have 3 meals but I snacked a lot too. Yesterday I could feel the tension and desire to binge building after a good run of feeling in control. Then yesterday afternoon I caved and binged on fruit and then later after my dinner I binged on butternut squash and mayo and so many nuts and more fruit. Doesn’t sound so bad on paper but the quantities and way that I ate make it a bona fide binge. No doubt about it. And I woke up feeling as miserable as if I’d binged on ice-cream and chocolate.

Binges for me are either a response to feeling deprived OR emotionally driven or some sort of mysterious combination of the two. I think the binge last night definitely had a deprivation backlash streak because of going paleo but there was also some anxiety/overwhelm going on, probably about my up ‘n coming holiday to California (more on that later, no doubt). I can always eat this way for a few days but then my inner rebel starts to grumble and eventually takes the reins. Especially when I try to intermittent fast with Dave Asprey’s bulletproof coffee for breakfast.

I need to break this thing down in order to try and get on a solid path again...

Clearly this is complex issue that I won’t necessarily be able to unpack in 2 minutes. Obviously there is a straightforward (and easy to understand) desire to binge in response to deprivation, as mentioned. But the deprivation is only perceived because before yesterday I was eating delicious (albeit grain-free, dairy-free, sugar-free) and massive meals. The feeling of deprivation is an emotional response to 'shoulds' associated with any set of rules. I can convince myself it’s a ‘choice’ and that I can have the chocolate/dairy/grains but after a few days, I stop believing that I have a choice and a binge starts to build. I begin to feel trap and suffocated by the rules and scared of what will happen if I break them. This fear ushers in an angry, rebellious response which wants to topple the regime. I can only hold it at bay for so long. Then when I do ‘screw the rules’, or as was the case last night bend them to the extent that I did (by bingeing on paleo foods!) the depression is acute.

I'm at war with myself!!

More anon. In the mean time, I am NoS-ing. Quelle surprise! NoS is my default because it manages my volume control but I need to figure out why it doesn’t work for me in the long term. For a recovering bulimic, it does (or has) sort of lead to bingeing on weekends and very strict during the week which is not healthy for me. I sort of begin to hold my breath during the week. Any sort of rules of any sort create an unhelpful response in me after a while. But I am not confident to ditch all rules as that feels frightening.

[lpearlmom]

Oh Kookie

I'm sorry you can't get to a good place right now. Maybe making peace with food needs to be your priority right? If possible ditch any specific food plans, pile those plates if you need to & just keep to those three plates.

I just feel like you really need to make yourself a priority right now. Eliminate all stresses that you can. Don't worry if what you do might upset your dad or your mom or brother. Do what is going to bring you peace & stability. Right now I think you even need to put your other health issues on the back burner because it seems to help you to rationalize going on some extreme food plan that inevitably backfires on you.

Reading about my next diet was always so much fun for me. I'd be so full of hope & promise about how my life was going to drastically change. Even if it only last a few days, it's still felt pretty good and that's hard to give up. Sometimes I get the urge to try some new eating plan too. I have done it twice actually since I started NoS but they were both pretty short lived. Now when I find myself tempted to stray, I tell myself I'm getting a 4 yr degree in NoS & if I want to get a different degree after that I can decide that then.

Okay sorry to go on so long & I may be way off base in my advice but I sure to hope the best for you. I know it's tough but you can do this!

Hang in there.

Linda

[clarinetgal]

I can relate to you on the leaky gut and going Paleo route. I'm not totally sure I have leaky gut, but I do have gut issues, and I did go Paleo for awhile. After a time, however, I just got too bored with it. I felt like I was eating the same 5 meals all of the time, and I don't have loads of time to spend in the kitchen to try out new recipes. I think I've come to a middle ground. I still mostly avoid dairy (dairy has always bothered me), and I eat limited grains, beans, and legumes.
I hope you are able to find peace with your eating.

[Kookie]

Linda - you just always always know what to say. You are so incredibly wise and intuitive. And you're right, I completely agree, making peace with food needs to be my priority - above my physical ailments. And you are spot on when you say that I have been using them to justify driving myself crazy with food choices. I need to do that - just stick to 3 plates. My two quandaries are: 1. fruit - it seems to trips me up because I feel I need something in the afternoon at around 4/5pm and often don't want fruit with meals. But maybe I just need to suck it up as snacking, even on fruit, can trip me up big time. 2. S days...I just don't want to go back to bingeing my head off just because I can on S days (not that NoS 'MADE' me binge ). I did contemplate 5 floating 's' treats before I went off on my mad -paleo trip but I'm not sure...

I'm seeing my functional medicine MD tonight so I'm going to try and see what she can suggest to help with my moods because I'm sure that a lot of what I'm going through is withdrawal from my SSRI. I know I was on the teeniest dose possible (apparently sub-therapeutic) but it has coincided with some serious emotional roller coaster riding. I'll ask what is the priority in terms of food because I think I've been trying to do too much. I feel sure she'll say dairy for me. Maybe with gluten in second place.

Today has been good though despite over-eating again last night when I got home. I went for a 15 minute jog this morning and I swear it works just as well as an anti-depressant. I think I might try and do a tiny baby jog every N day as it seems to set me up so well for the day. I'll build up to that though - this week I have done it twice so next week I'll aim for 3 times.

Clarinetgal- I really appreciate you sharing your experience. You seem so calm and rational about it and I totally identify with getting BORED with paleo foods. So bored. I tend to eat very high fat when i'm eating low/no grains and I swear my body prefers lower (not low) fat with moderate grains/carbs.

That's all for now. I continue to muse on how I can work NoS without it working me. With two S days coming up, I might just have to have a short term plan for this weekend. It's a bit scary although I'm so busy this weekend which will help me - plans on both Saturday and Sunday evening so I should be okay.

[automatedeating]

Hope your doctor visit goes well and the doc can give you just one food thing to focus on!

And you know, they've done clinical trials where they find just what you said about exercise: it works just as well as an anti-depressant for relieving mild depression.

[clarinetgal]

Kookie, I think my body is similar, in terms of preferring lower (not low) fat and moderate carbs. If I go too low fat, I'm starving all day, and if I go too high fat, I experience unpleasant digestive issues. I also totally agree with the link between exercising and an elevated mood. I know when I feel down, doing a good workout, or even just going on a walk outdoors, always helps me feel better.

[Kookie]

Thanks auto and clarinetgal - your sweet support and feedback really means a lot...

Okay I have really turned a massive corner as a result of my appointment with my MD last Friday. Basically, she could not have met my needs more fully. I am so grateful and feel as though a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I explained to her all that has been going on, how triggering it has been to be told to come off so many different foods etc. How I've been obsessed with finding the perfect food plan. She totally understood and among other things (such as various amino acids for mood) she said that the only thing I need to exclude is....SUGAR. She said she didn’t think food plans were a good idea, that I should feel free to eat whatever I want but to stay away from sugar (fruit is fine). She said to forget everything else.

Honestly, it was like a weight off my shoulders when she said that because I had begun to see how triggering any kind of food plan is for me. They are always great for a few days but there is always, always, always the inevitable battle that ensues because I find it so stressful trying to fit my life around the plan. For me, food plans feel now like the tail wagging the dog. They start to dominate my life and feel oppressive (even non-prescriptive plans like NoS).

Oh, and caffeine too. So, in a nutshell everything is on the table (including dairy and gluten) except for those two things: sugar and caffeine. It is very ‘me’ specific which is why it feels so right, I guess.

Unfortunately, I think I probably need to pull away from these boards to find my feet in this new chapter. I have had some of the darkest months of my life this year and I need to consolidate.

But a massive thank you to you all for helping me and supporting me. It has been so touching and helpful.

xxxx

[lpearlmom]

So happy you finally have a simple/doable answer.

We'll miss you!

Check back now & then to let us know how you're doing.

Linda

[clarinetgal]

I'm glad you have found a plan that will work for you. I wish you the very best. Keep in touch from time to time, if you can.

[eschano]

Good luck Kookie!

[Kookie]

It's hard to know where to start as so much as happened since I last posted on this forum but suffice it to say for now that I need some support. And it's either posting here or going back to a 12-step group like OA. I know the latter really worked for me in the past (until it didn't) but I don't think I have the heart to go back there. It would feel like going backwards and although the support is good, I have to do too much mental gymnastics to make the programme more palatable! It's very steeped in judeo-christian language which I find quite punishing and reminiscent of dark times in childhood. So, for now, I am here to get accountable and visible and at the very least, work things out for myself on 'paper'. In short, I need to start up the dialogue with myself again about food. How I am with food is a metaphor for how I am with life and at the very least, I need to stay conscious of that! This forum is so accepting and loving and therefore a perfect space to discover more and more about what works for me, both in life and in food!

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life and although still not fat by the world's standards, I would rather stop punishing myself with food regardless of the fear of further weight gain. I had an epiphany yesterday and that is that my concern about my body and weight sustains my eating problems. Every time I impose a rule which has at its heart the desire to lose weight, I get into trouble. The epiphany came when I asked myself the question: who do I want to look so perfect and slim for? Will I really be happier? Do I really want to value myself in terms of slimness and appearance?

Rather, I want a body which enables me to live a fulfilled and purposeful life. And I want a way of eating which gives me freedom but keeps me 'safe'. For now, I think NoS fits that bill. I can easily get caught up trying to figure out exactly what will constitute my meals - or what SHOULD constitute my meals - but I am going to try to let that go. I can get genuinely distressed thinking about whether or not I should have fruit with every meal or just with one meal, whether to make a rule about protein with every meal, whether root vegetables are 'enough' to be called a starch, should I do intermittent fasting for one day on top of NoS, should I limit milky drinks to meal times...and on and on and on. It's absolutely exhausting.

So I am going to make the hoops wide enough for me too jump through so that success is easy. Three meals a day with nothing in between. If I do that, I win. If I also manage to eat food which nourishes me in body and mind, then I know I'm living well. And if on some days I find it hard to adhere to this plan because life happens, than I will not punish myself, just learn from it and feel free to tweak. So I am open to NoS Vanilla being a basis from which to make a start. I am not here to lose weight (although I'd like to). I have hit rock bottom with my bingeing and then rebound attempts at restriction or control (even in the guise of addressing health concerns) and so I am absolutely letting go of striving for weight loss. I strive only for peace in my relationship with food. NoS is a good starting point for me. If I need to tweak as I go along, then so be it. My goal is to find a plan which works specifically for me and my ongoing needs.

So, just to reiterate, my current plan is:
To eat 3 meals per day. To eat these meals in a relaxed state and in as stress free an environment as possible. To eat only foods which appeal to me, motivated by pleasure and the desire for nourishment rather than weight loss, and based as far as possible on my mind-body wisdom. In terms of beverages (milky drinks and alcohol) I am placing no restrictions on myself as 'rules' about drinks are more stressful than they are helpful. My plan is to begin to listen closely to my body's messages, symptoms and habits so that I can adapt my plan to suit my particular needs. I plan to enjoy my S days which will run from Friday dinner time through to Sunday lunch time. I'm sure I'll have more to say about 'S' days in due course but it is my intention to stick to my 3 meals a day on S days as well.

Today I have had:
Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs and 3 large-ish roasted potatoes, 1/2 apple
Morning drinks: 1 milky tea and 1 milky coffee
Lunch: chicken thighs, roasted butternut squash, cooked spinach, 1/2 apple. Milky tea.

More anon.

[ironchef]

Welcome back and good luck Kookie!

I spent a lot of my adult life either dieting my way down or eating my way back up through the "healthy BMI range". Vanilla No S can be a way out. Sure, freggies or lean protein or eating organic or whatever are great, but I really feel relaxed knowing that if I have a bacon and cheese toastie for lunch and it fits on a plate, I'm still winning. And it frees up a lot of time and energy for other stuff that I used to spend on food and eating.

oolala wrote a post recently on the main discussion board about making the goal a sustainable, happy life, rather than a certain weight. It really resonated with me.

PS Milky drinks at any time of day are absolutely vanilla No S. In fact, so is a glass of milk between meals if you are really hungry. So is a glass of wine. Unless your drink of choice is a Toblerone cocktail you're all good!