Coping with and Understanding Loneliness....

[gratefuldeb67]

Hey everyone! How's it going?
Sorry this isn't directly about diet and exercise guys.. I think there's plenty all over the board on those topics!
Well, today is one of those "lonely" days....We all have them at some point or another...
I have even felt my deepest loneliness at times when I wasn't even alone... Does that make any sense?
As most of you know, I am bipolar and tend to have some "ups and downs"...
Believe it or not, sometimes I have them at the same time!
So, over my lifetime, I think I found it fairly hard to cultivate meaningful relationships as a result... (sure I'm simplifying the whole thing and there's definitely more to it...) So, I have spent a lot of years feeling pretty lonely... Don't mean to bum anyone out, and again, I know I'm not the only one like this in the World...
I have really depended on this group for friendship and companionship many times this year...
I mean, I know not too many of us are psychology majors etc... but I believe in experiential knowledge and let's face it, loneliness is a Universal experience, though maybe it's not always talked about....
I guess I'm curious about whether people in this group have developed coping techniques for times like this..
Certainly eating comes to mind, but it's sure not any productive means of coping...
Well when I started writing this, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to say, but I find loneliness an interesting topic, so I'll leave it to you all to just share any and all thoughts on it...
For the record, I've been relationship-less (nice made up word! LOL..) for about (cringe) five years now... Previously to that time frame, I pretty much spent much of my life totally codependant and in relationships which were almost *too* close... So finally I guess I got to have some time to get to know myself!!! Ha ha...
All I can say is thank God I have my wonderful son Richard!
Peetie, what will I do when college hits???? LOL..
But really, the kind of loneliness I personally experience, often isn't even contingent on whether I am in the presence of others or not...
It's something deeper... Like the yearning of the Soul....
Wow....
So again, this is a topic which is of personal interest to me.. Any books or recommended websites, activities, you guys may know, music, poems, whatever, on this topic, would be very appreciated!
Peace and Love,
Deb

[ClickBeetle]

That's really weird, Deb, I was feeling very alone this weekend, too!

I'm like you, I haven't had a boy-girl relationship in a really long time.

( Not that that's the only source of togetherness, but let me say a word about THAT here -- Don't blame yourself -- the USA way of relationships (mainly dating) isn't for everyone. I find one-on-one dating not only rather absurd but also largely unfulfilling. Frankly it is much easier to get to know someone by how they are in groups, when they're not being romantic, and how they treat their long-term friends and family. Not to mention that I'd much rather get to know someone by working with them on a project of some kind. How exactly can someone bond with anyone by going out and doing just artificially fun things in isolation one-on-one? I mean, is that any way of knowing what someone is truly like? Bizarre ... but our society has practically made a religion out of a certain kind of romantic love. )

WELL, I didn't mean to get off on a tangent there, because DEFINITELY romance is not the only kind of togetherness. I have a lot of good friends of both sexes that are my "homeboys and girls" and, heck, we rely on each other in ways that some couples can't, even.

You just buck up, gal, and remember that you already have something that a lot of people with a partner don't have: you know yourself really well ... and a lot of those people with partners are pretty darn miserable and "lonely together" ... it's not your fault you live in a "couples world" ... but by the way that's changing ... the most common household by the last census is a single person!

Coping ... I don't know about coping ... well, gee, I can't say it makes it a lot better, but most of the time these days instead of ruminating too much I try to chalk it up to hormones and just wait it out by distracting myself with errands or chores ... But I also notice the "lonely bits" are largely coincident with my friends being out of town (like, on August weekends) !

You might also take a look at the quirkyalone website to see what is there ... In the meantime I'm glad you have your wonderful son and your self-knowledge to see you through the rough patches ... and just think of all the domestic violence we are avoiding by being single gals! As usual, Deb, you bring honesty, sincerity, and candor to the board in bringing up this topic and I love you for it!

[navin]

I'm like you, I haven't had a boy-girl relationship in a really long time.

Well, now I see how seriously you are taking our recent engagement.

[gratefuldeb67]

That's what you get for asking for the credit cards Navin!!!!!
LOL....

You should have waited until the honeymoon at least!
Deb

[ClickBeetle]

Ha ha, Navin and Deb, you tickle me!

[Justin]

I definitely get lonely at times. I try to get involved with things that interest me. I find that by doing what I want to do, I feel better about myself. The wonderful benefit is that I tend to meet people that like to do the same sorts of activities.

I know it sounds cheesey, but be true to yourself and you'll find true friends/relationships/whatever. And know that rough spots will pass no matter how much it feels like they won't.

For women... if you want to meet men, then go to home improvement stores! Those places are full of men who live by the motto: "if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."

J

[gratefuldeb67]

That's cute Justin, and certainly not cheesy in any way!!!!

And it sure helps to be handy!

Thanks!
I'll be going to Home Depot now....
Peace and Love,
Deb

[reinhard]

Hi Deb,

I'm glad this bulletin board has been helpful, but it can't replace face to face human contact. Be careful that it doesn't, or it isn't really a help. You are our champion poster here, and we deeply appreciate your contribution, but sometimes I worry that it's taking too much of your time (I have internet issues myself, which is why I need weekend luddite).

I'm not an expert on "go meet people," but it seems to me that the most efficient way to do it is to 1) leave the house (online is great, but only as a supplement) 2) target groups, not individuals. Individuals are small targets, easy to miss, and when you miss you've got nothing. Groups are big, easy targets, and if your aim isn't perfect, at least you've got some casual acquaintances, which is better than nothing (in fact, casual might be a good thing for someone bipolar to practice). And I think you're about as likely to find your soulmate in a group as sitting by himself in starbucks. Most people, even soulmates, travel in packs.

I know money is an issue, so here are some free or cheap physical group ideas:

1. Does your work at the gym entitle you to take free classes that might interest you? Not so much for the exercise (though you get that too) as for the social aspect. Dance or something.

2. do you belong to a "house of worship," to put it ecumenically? Lot's of social opportunities there.

3. Any charities or causes that interest you? Give time and you turn your loneliness into something valuable as you get rid of it.

4. Can you leverage existing friendships/acquaintanceships by forming a book club or some other interest related club? You spend more time with people you already like and know, and when a friend invites a friend of theirs to join, presto, you've met someone new. I got my current job though a contact I made at a book club.

Again, sorry if this is lousy advice, it's not an area I have any expertise or even confidence in...

Reinhard

[Justin]

A couple more ideas--but these are both based on the idea that you already have a friend or two. You can do something like organize "game-nights" or picnics. Your friends invite their friends and they in-turn invite their friends. It's a really great way to expand your circle of friends. I know I've met many people that way. Also, picnics are relatively cheap b/c everyone should bring food to share. Game-nights are fun and again people bring food to share.

J

[gratefuldeb67]

Hey Justin and Reinhard!

Yes, Reinhard, casual aquaintances are a very worthy concept to cultivate! Also so is the idea of group interaction as opposed to limiting myself to individual get togethers... Really great suggestion!!!

Terrific ideas guys!!!!
Thank you!
Peace and Love,
Deb

[gratefuldeb67]

Oh also, Reinhard, that was not at all "lousy" advice in any way...
It's all excellent!!!!
Love,
Deb

[lynne2005]

Gosh yes im lonely, I have my dogs and my daughter, my parents and my ex. That is my circle of friends! Its my own fault because I hate to meet new people because of my weight. So you could say its all self inflicted. I dont work (am not able to for various reasons) Ive been invited to a dinner (veggi group im in on the net) but i doubt that i will go to it incase they all think - goodness look a the size of her - and shes EATING!!!! Im sure that in reality people wouldnt be so crass but you know what the imagination is like!

Im really quite gregarious but dont give myself the opportunity to be myself, i think i judge myself more harshly than others judge me. I would love to start or even join a book club or some kind of social event but daren't. I have spoken to interesting people on the net who have wanted to meet me but i darent! I feel so......... what do i feel? Inferior perhpas, or weak, a failure, social outcast, unhealthy, unattractive, ohhhhhhhh all those things and more. I suppose i also feel sorry for myself!!! which isnt nice. I think you are all great people and love to read your posts. I cant give any advice on loneliness coz im wallowing in it myself!

Love to you and yours

Lynne

[gratefuldeb67]

Hey Lynne! You are a beautiful person so don't forget it...
If you feel so awkward with slim folk, why not find some kind of outside support group for big people? Maybe suggest a public meeting place, like a coffee shop, and all walk to it? I don't know?
You deserve company.. We all do...
Why not use your massage skills to help ailing people at a hospital or something? Doing good and charitable work for others is a wonderful way to learn to like yourself! I may just start this myself soon...
Are you licensed? Not being to work at all must be the most depressing experience and is only compounding your sadness... I know! Do you know any reflexology? You could offer your services at a hospice (if you can take the serious conditions there...) and really make an impact on someone... This could be very very fulfilling work, and not physically too demanding, as "caring touch" is so much different than regular massage...

I think you are totally charming, so maybe you just need to start ignoring that "meanie" voice in your head that says you are less than worthy! Really... Every time you start hearing those negative preprogrammed self judgements, tell it to "Shut the *beep* up!!!" Then say "I am a good and beautiful person" ten times fast!!!!

I'm sure you are right and you are much harder on yourself than anyone else would possibly be... If you don't give people a chance to experience your "gregarious" and fun side, it will be wasted on the walls!
Why not find someone in your area to go for walks with the dogs? I don't know how you'd do this, but I think that would be a nice "shared" interest, and it would get you out and about!

Peace and Love,
Deb

[lynne2005]

While i was reading your kind and caring response deb - i was reeling off the excuses, I cant form a dog walking group, coz of my fat, i really dont want to do hospice work coz i spent a year attending one myself! After surgery i did do massage on the patients in my ward, and they all loved it, but there are paid massage therapists(paid by the state) who visit the wards now! Im not registered anymore, it was five years ago when i qualified, and i dont want to go back to college looking like this!!! - I am 7 stone (98lbs) heavier than i was four years ago when i first got the cancer, and i was already 4 stone overweight then. Chemo wasnt too bad, but radiotherapy ( i had radiotherpay the second time the cancer reared its ugly head) three years ago now) was the pits and since then i have never felt the energy to exercise, so have as a result just piled on the pounds. Im doing the urban ranger thing and hopefully that will help. I honestly dont want to meet people until im back to being my usual size - im sure that lots will understand how i feel about it. I dont feel like the real me.

Love to you and yours ~Deb - and thank you for being there xx
Lynne

[gratefuldeb67]

Love and Hugs Lynne!
YOU WILL get down to your happy size again... Just never give up!!!!
We are all here to support each other and that makes the experience so much more powerful!
Just do something good for yourself every day... Even if that only means smiling at yourself in the mirror and saying
"I love you"....

Peace and Love,
Deb

[Vicky]

wow! I have read all the posts here - I thought I would check out one of them. True loneliness is a universal experience, true you need to get out of yourself, but you know you can be with tons of people and still be lonely - why - a question I have pondered. I believe, we are lonely for God, it is part of the journey to hunger for what we do not yet possess. Along with doing something outside your normal routine and meeting people is developing a personal relationship with God. That is so essential and important. A peace comes about and there is a hand to hold onto from a God who loves us so deeply. No we are never alone, we are loved unconditionally and we spread that love to others through our kindess, and love. You are all very loved, you need to look into the mirror and see your beauty and tell yourself that you are a precious woman or man of God. Someone once told me when I was struggling that people are like tapestries. We look at ourselves and see the knotted and dangling strings, God looks at us and sees a beautiful picture. I am a religious Sister - I am trying to lose weight, I like to check out the sites, but cannot get to this all the time - busy schedule. I will pray for all of you and I need your support in my battle to lose weight. May each of you know your guardian angel's constant companionship, may each of you know that you are chosen to help others with all your compassion and love and may you know your beauty before God!! S. Vicky

[Jammin' Jan]

So now we have two religious sisters posting here. What order are you, if I might ask?

Reinhard, I thought your advice to Deb was very good. You could've been a minister/priest/rabbi/other ecumenical option.

[gratefuldeb67]

Hi Vicky! I am very moved by your beautiful sentiments!
Thank you so much for writing and I totally agree with you!!!!!
In, especially the last six years or so, I have been actively cultivating my relationship with God...
I know no other greater love, aside from possibly the love of my son Richard!
Who I know God sent me, especially so I would have some wonderful human companionship which I could always count on as well!!! He is my angel and has the loveliest and kindest nature!
Every day, I count my Blessings!!!
I love God, because he loved me first and will always love me and all his Children...

I once looked up an article about Meditation... One of the comments from someone who regularly prayed and meditated, was that, ironically, he felt the most lonely, sometimes, when he went into a state of relaxation and profound meditation...
He was worried that this wasn't supposed to happen..
Why wasn't he feeling Peace, and contentment...
Well obviously, it would be too simplistic to answer in one sentence, but the answer he received, I found very beautiful and helpful...
It's all how we perceive things I guess...
He was told that the deep sense of Lonliness, which actually took him by surprise, and which I have *often* experienced, and yes even in the company of people close to me, as you mentioned, was his experiencing a Oneness with God, a Universal Consciousness which resulted as a feeling of aloneness...
So, hey, maybe God feels lonely sometimes...

Bless you for now and forever...
Peace and Love,
Deb