automated eating tracker

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:52 pm

I love what you are doing for your kids!! It is really hard to watch my kids struggle though this. I feel they will come out stronger on the other side and better able to cope with hard things, but it all seems incredibly unhealthy. Too much time spent on screens, but not really much else that can be done. You are so smart to get them working & moving which are both things I think leave a person feeling better when screens tend to only leave you feeling worse!!

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Fri Nov 20, 2020 1:30 am

I am glad you worked it out with your friend. I have a close friend who is also the polar opposite of me on the political spectrum and we typically don't talk about anything political, but Covid affects all of us and its hard not to talk about.

How did your hike with your boys go?

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Fri Nov 20, 2020 3:49 am

I’m so glad you worked things out with your friend. I hate all this us vs. them stuff that’s so prevalent in politics these days. At the end of the day we all just want a good life for ourselves and our family. We may just have different ideas on how to achieve that.

Boy I wish I had the gumption to get my kids to clean their rooms and go hiking with me. They are really suffering from constantly being home. We did rent a house in Sedona for next week so I think that will help. Maybe I can even get them to go hiking.

Hurry up vaccine!

PS I hope my political posts weren’t too upsetting to you. :/

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri Nov 20, 2020 6:53 pm

Jen - thank you for your encouragement on the hiking!! Challenger did much better yesterday than the first day. It's funny because of course he's the most athletic in the family, and yet is dragging along with his hoody up, looking like he's about to die of exhaustion. I stop and wait for him at all the trail forks, because the last (extra) stress I need is to be wondering where he is when I get back to the car and it's dark (it gets dark here at 4:30pm).

I also want to reiterate that I am only doing this temporarily. My thread on NoS shows years of me expending extreme effort to get my kids doing regular chores, avoiding screens, etc. I cannot keep that up. However, I CAN and HAVE committed to doing this during lockdown 2.0. The short-term commitment seems more doable to me.

Pinkie - yesterday's hike went better than the first day, although really, both days have been fine. Challenger is a pill, but that's to be expected. And he does seem to be showing more emotion (both good and bad) which is better than the scary apathy he has been sinking into. And you are wise to avoid politics with your good friend. This particular friend is the only one that really knows my thinking on many topics. She is an excellent friend and I'm glad I have her in my life.

Linda -

At the end of the day we all just want a good life for ourselves and our family. We may just have different ideas on how to achieve that.

Love love love this!!!!!

Friday, November 20!!!

127.8

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: tilapia and french fries
3 glasses of wine
um, yep more chocolate-covered almonds! Oh well.

Moving
2 good hikes planned - first was just me and the afternoon will be with the boys

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:15 am

LOL I just can't help laughing at the image of Challenger out there scuffing along the hiking trail with his hoody up. The reason is that I also have a sulky teenager who skulks along with her hoody up too.

Glad today went better than yesterday!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Nov 21, 2020 5:48 pm

Well Pinkie yesterday's hike was much tougher!! Challenger made a few gem-like comments (some funny and some alarming):

*going hiking fills me with emptiness
*you are doing this to make me miserable
*my chances of killing myself just went from 1 - 2%

So luckily Sexy came along yesterday and that helps me deal with the constant barrage of anger coming off my kiddo in waves.

Saturday, November 21

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: pizza, chips, and chocolate-covered almonds
3 glasses of wine

Moving
nothing specifically planned. Creator and I are going to put up the Christmas tree today!! Along with so many people this year, we are jumping on this early. We need something festive.

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Sun Nov 22, 2020 12:00 am

So Challenger loves hiking right?

Oh my goodness! It sounds like such teenager things to say. I hope that Challenger is Ok and just expressing his anger. Hopefully he will get used to it over time. When we first started doing family hikes the kids complained non stop but now they just march along and seem to sometimes actually enjoy themselves. I am glad Sexy is there to support you. That does sound tough to deal with.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Sun Nov 22, 2020 6:58 am

Sorry to hear that Challenger is having a tough time but it is just typical behaviour, they can be so difficult. I think sometimes they are experiencing so many physical changes and don't know how to express how they are feeling so they end up lashing out verbally or physically at parents.

All made worse by lockdowns!

Hope things improve

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sun Nov 22, 2020 5:46 pm

Thanks Pinkie and Soprano! We are going to get through this. I have to say - each of the 3X that we've gone, he's been in a much nicer mood in the evening.

Sunday, November 22

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries, hot dog, cheetos
D: pizza
2 glasses of wine

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Sun Nov 22, 2020 6:51 pm

Great news but he'll probably never admit he feels better

Jx

alene1 · Post by **alene1** » Mon Nov 23, 2020 2:32 pm

Auto, good for you for making an executive decision to do daily hikes right now. Whether your son know or admits it to himself or not, getting outside and moving our bodies does really make a difference in our state of mind. Raising children, and especially teenagers, is not for the faint of heart! My oldest son and I really struggled in his high school years. Just keep loving on him and keep the faith. Down the road it all evens out. My son and I have a very good relationship now.

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Mon Nov 23, 2020 4:46 pm

OMG teenagers can be a challenge

The good thing about the moodiness of a teenager is that if you can wait out the storm, it always passes. Usually sooner if I ignore the storm instead of resisting it

And forcing them to do the things that are good for their soul is really hard, but teaches them how to pull themselves out of a slump! It’s awesome that you’re doing that for your boys!!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Nov 23, 2020 6:29 pm

Thank you Soprano, Alene, and Jen. This forum has sure been supportive of me in my lockdown family hiking efforts!

Monday, November 23

130.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: bear taco meat!
(will be) 0 glasses of wine - fail - had 2 glasses
fail - 2 brownies and popcorn

Moving
1 hike with Flowerpup. Family hike will be around the college jogging trail today.

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Tue Nov 24, 2020 3:41 am

That's great about Challenger being in a better mood! I notice that with my teenager after physical activity too.

Hope your family hike went well!

Also... bear meat? I have had deer meat but never bear. How was it?

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Tue Nov 24, 2020 3:33 pm

Tuesday, November 24

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: nachos w/ground beef, cheese, guacamole
0 glasses of wine

Moving
2 walks - morning on my own (listen to a podcast) and afternoon with the boys on a nearby neighborhood trail.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Nov 25, 2020 3:12 pm

Wednesday!!!, NOVEMBER 25!

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: roast beef sandwich and tortilla chips
3 glasses of wine

Moving
Sprint workout with the boys at the track this afternoon!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Thu Nov 26, 2020 4:32 pm

Thursday, November 26 - Happy Thanksgiving! This is the first Thanksgiving in my life that I have ALREADY put up all of the Christmas decorations; not only that, I've put up MORE decorations than ever before. If that's not a sign that we are all looking for pick-me-ups this year..... !

130.0

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, 1/2 of a cinnamon roll
L: turkey, gravy, potatoes, green bean casserole, crescent roll
D: pumpkin pie!
0 glasses of wine

Got the dogs out for a great hike today. They had so much fun racing around and playing in the creek!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri Nov 27, 2020 11:09 pm

Friday, November 27

I'm behind on my videos. The company I've contracted with expects 10/month. I've finished 8 this month but only have 3 days left.

Hopefully they don't fire me. Or perhaps I can go wild and finish 2 more before the end of the month!

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, pumpkin pie
L: all the Thanksgiving leftovers!! potatoes, turkey, gravy, roll, green bean casserole
D: pumpkin pie
0 glasses of wine

Moving
Heading out with dogs right now. Gotta move a bit!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Nov 28, 2020 4:04 pm

Saturday, November 28

132!

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, bacon
L: pumpkin pie, pizza
D: steak, a little popcorn

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Nov 30, 2020 2:46 am

Sunday, November 29

131

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, pumpkin pie
L: yogurt w/berries
D: mozarella sticks, chicken nuggest
0 glasses of wine
dessert: ice cream

Moving
After I finished a video (yay!) I took the dogs on a long walk/hike. I listened to a podcast about Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn and his book The Gulag Archipelago. It was so fascinating and thought-provoking.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:53 pm

Well done finishing the video

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Nov 30, 2020 6:14 pm

Monday, November 30

130.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: a chicken drumstick, some leftover steak, 2 hot dogs w/mustard.

3 glasses of wine

Moving
went on a great rainy hike with Flowerpup and will take the boys for a sprint workout after school.

There are two things that I need to focus on:
*eating better (the food lately oh man I've been eating poorly)
*continuing to have "dry days" for drinking. I'm aiming for 4 this week. We'll see how it goes. I've had some good weeks and some bad weeks, but instead of throwing in the towel on moderation (as I have in the past), I'm continuing to just fight the good fight each week and track my progress.

What is going well are my morning hikes with Flowerpup. It seems that even though that takes a chunk of time from day, it is time well spent for my emotional and spiritual well-being.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Tue Dec 01, 2020 6:29 am

It's wierd how moderation is so easy some weeks and not on others. I've managed to moderate my drinking days to 3 and not too much when I do. But Christmas is looming!!

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Tue Dec 01, 2020 3:48 pm

Yes, Soprano, the holidays are looming!

I did have a fun time last night doing Christmas shopping online. Presents for Sexy, Challenger, Creator and ME!

I'm going to get more than normal this year for everyone, even just little things, so that we can have lots to open on Christmas morning. I have so many more decorations up this year, too.

Tuesday, December 1!

I felt so proud of myself yesterday for finishing a 10th video for November. It's the first month that I've actually met my 10 video quota. Overall, I'm 3 behind, and I'd really love to catch up officially this month (which would entail making 13 this month!). I'm finally getting a rhythm to making these videos. It really does require a different style than what I did previously (for just my students). I pay far more attention to time (each video is aimed for 5 minute limit, although occasionally I go over); I don't make jokes (which is sort of a draw-back but in these politically correct times you never know who you will offend - it makes being funny - even in front of a class - something that only the very socially savvy can get away with (my husband is still in this category although each year it gets lets safe); and I try to keep the topic extremely focused and on point so that anyone that clicks on the video title will get exactly what they were looking for, and they'll get it fast! I used to sort of develop to my magnificent climactic teaching point, but now I start with the key point and then provide details. I don't think either style is necessarily better, but I'm just learning new skills. Things I keep the same are lots of color, a big picture/simplify approach, and ending the video with all the content on one page. I will tell you this - it takes me between 5 and 12 hours to make one 5 minute video. I'm not sure if that's representative of other YouTubers.

128.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: taco beef bowl with cheese, guacamole, and tortilla chips
0 glasses of wine

Moving
Today my focus is to deep-clean my house and link some of my newer videos to my website, so formal exercise is not planned. Also my Achilles tendon is sore from yesterday's sprints. We have broken away from cold windy and rainy weather for the moment! It's very clear today, but will be quite cold. Update - did actually go on two walks today - one in the morning and then one in the afternoon with the boys.

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Tue Dec 01, 2020 5:59 pm

Congratulations on finishing your videos! Wow what an accomplishment! I know what you mean about the different teaching styles. It makes sense on a 5-minute video to start with the key point and then provide details. I can't believe it takes that long(5-12 hours)! I bet it is probably similar to other you tubers though, I know I always see them talking about editing and how long it takes to put together a video.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Dec 02, 2020 2:13 am

Congrats on finishing the videos. I’m doing the same with my drinking. The 100 days off was good but it is so nice to be able to have a glass or two of wine to relax in the evening. I’m trying to do at least 2 days off a week with no more than 8 glasses a total for the week. I use an app to help me track it. During my sober experiment I convinced myself that no amount of alcohol is healthy. I don’t know if that’s true or not but kinda decided I don’t care.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Dec 02, 2020 3:22 pm

Thank you Pinkie and Linda! I took yesterday off from videos, but got a ton of other work done. Ready to hit it again today.

Linda - alcohol is so interesting. My year away from it was so valuable for me, but at heart, I do like to be hedonistic a little! I mean, we only get this one life and I don't want to live it TOO austerely, LOL. Perhaps alcohol is my main vice, but I feel pretty good about keeping it in my life (at this point, anyway). And, like you said, perhaps I don't care that it's not good for me.

I just need to make sure I don't become an alcoholic. I know that danger is a real one for me, but .... maybe I like playing with fire? Dancing on the edge of the cliff?

128.8

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: jerk-seasoned chicken breasts, broccoli, french fries
3 glasses of wine

Moving
I ALMOST talked myself about of a morning hike (rationalized - too much work to do). But then I remembered that just a couple days ago I had emphasized that my morning walks are essential to the rest of my routine. They are my "keystone" habit for virtually everything else that I want to prioritize in life. So I'll go! I do love it, actually. And Flowerpup adores the hikes/NEEDS them (at 1 year old now, she is FULL of energy)!
Update - had a longish hike this morning and then my best outing with the boys this afternoon. I found sort of an abandoned challenge course and we had a fun time.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Thu Dec 03, 2020 12:44 pm

Wow that year with flowerpup has gone fast.

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Thu Dec 03, 2020 3:16 pm

It sure has, Soprano! She is such a great dog. She has her quirks (she'll "decide" someone, usually a teenager or kid on a big wheel, is a serial killer and bark at them) but she also is so gentle (the gentlest mouth when she takes a treat! - everyone comments on that!), and she is funny! She's great in the car (remember that was a biggie for me) and I think it's in great part to her that I range farther for my daily hikes (well that and COVID meaning that I'm working from home and more flexible). I feel pretty safe with her hiking alone. She weighs 45 pounds and is a solid piece of muscle! I know that dogs aren't necessarily going to protect a woman from a bad guy, but I always figure the bad guy will choose easier prey than a woman with a potentially protective dog. And there are occasionally bears and even mountain lions on the trails I go on, and I think a dog keeps me safer, if for no other reason than she is loud when she barges around in the underbrush and scares everything off. The other thing about Flowerpup is that she does not appear to be the "brightest bulb in the bunch", especially when we compare her to HappyHerder! I'm sure you know how that goes, with your history with border collies. We laugh at her antics and HappyHerder looks worried when she does silly things. He is very conscientious, LOL!
BTW, have you considered if you might like to get another dog at some point?

Thursday! December 3

127.8

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: breaded halibut and a chicken breast
0 glasses of wine

Moving
morning hike, not sure where. After school I'll take the boys to a park for a relatively short walk, followed by a quick trip to the 2nd hand store to buy the boys "ugly sweaters" for school tomorrow.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Thu Dec 03, 2020 4:59 pm

She sounds wonderful and I always felt safe walking with a dog. I think my last collie would have protected me but the one before not so sure. Both exceptionally clever.

I don't think we will get another anytime soon. My husband didn't want Pix because of the commitment and the fact you are tied.

But never say never

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri Dec 04, 2020 2:31 pm

Ha! Never say never.

Friday, December 4

129.0

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: Indian take-out - curry, rice, samosa
3 glasses of wine

Moving
Yesterday Flowerpup was afraid/barking at everyone on our hike.

Today I'll do the same trail but bring steak. LOL. Dogs are never simple. They are like a scaled-down version of having a child. Update - took the little turd to the same place as yesterday, this time armed with hot dogs like I used to do when she was younger and pulled this "stranger danger" barking on me. She improved so much, but I need to remember, with her it's a hard-wired thing and I have to keep up the training. For anyone interested, my overall successful method has been: - as soon as Flowerpup LOOKS at the trigger (in this case, a stranger), I say "YES" (I've previously taught her this marks a good behavior), and give her a treat. Then I notice she looks faster and gets the treats faster. It's sort of a deconditioning response so that she moves mentally from associating the stranger with danger to associating the stranger with hot dogs! We've spent hours doing this since she was a puppy.

I have a new continuous glucose monitor. Because of the difficulty in getting/re-getting a prescription for one, I have turned to a private company called Nutrisense. It uses the Libre Freestyle (as opposed to the Dexcom G6). Surprisingly, so far it is more accurate than the Dexcom?! Everything I had read was the other way around, so I'm pondering this (it's still early days, though, so perhaps this will not bear out). This one goes on the fatty part on my upper arm (which is quite fatty on me) rather than on my belly like the Dexcom. My belly is actually less fatty than my upper arm (yeah, go figure) so I wonder if that has something to do with the relative accuracy. Anyway, it's a fun program and they have a great app for tracking everything. I'll include this work in my sabbatical write-up.

In-laws are coming to visit today. My FIL has stage 4 prostate cancer. He is acting funny for sure, and has a somewhat fatalistic attitude. They are going to stay in a hotel, but his main goal is to take family pics of us; I think he wants to do this for each of his children before he dies.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sat Dec 05, 2020 3:48 am

So sorry about your FIl. So hard.

I admire your persistence with dog training. I’m the laziest dog owner. Cupcake goes crazy every time we pass another person walking a dog and I just turn around or just run fast past them.

. She does know a few tricks thanks to rosebud though. There’s nothing cuter than a 9lb dog sitting and shaking. 🥰

Doc is finally getting a glucose reader. I’m so happy that he’s starting to take this more serious. He’s been great with his eating too. Now I just need to get him on the treadmill.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Dec 05, 2020 6:39 pm

EEEEeeeeek! So exciting about Doc getting a glucose monitor!

I can't wait to hear how that goes for him! It can really be a motivator for food choices as well as exercise. For me, going on a walk or hike has the loveliest effect on my glucose. It's very rewarding to see that my actions can improve my blood glucose response.

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Sat Dec 05, 2020 11:02 pm

I loved the story of how your training you dog! That’s such a great way to improve her reaction to strangers!!

Sorry to hear about your FIL

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Dec 07, 2020 7:55 pm

Sunday, Dec. 6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: leftover Indian food, leftover tacos
D: egg sandwich, BBQ chips
dessert: ice cream

Moving
I ventured into new territory on and old hiking trail - I just kept going beyond where I usually turn back. So I was gone almost 3 hours but I found a new beautiful trail.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Dec 07, 2020 7:57 pm

Monday, Dec. 7

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: sardines, yogurt w/berries
D: grilled cheese sandwich, chicken nuggets
0 glasses of wine

Moving
1 hour hike this morning with Flowerpup; will take kids to basketball court and a short nature walk after school. I also threw in an after-dinner walk today.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Tue Dec 08, 2020 10:38 pm

Tuesday, December 8

129.8

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: taco meat w/tortilla chips, guacamole, cheese
0 glasses of wine

Moving
Today I explored new territory again! Flowerpup and I were in a downpour and then a misty forest. It was so nice. That phrase "forest bathing" was undertaken in a literal way today. LOL.
Taking the boys on a walk after school. BTW, that endeavor (dragging them on a walk/hike everyday during lockdown 2.0) has been going as well as can be expected - better than expected, actually.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Dec 09, 2020 3:19 am

Ooooh a misty forest sounds amazing. There’s something about being in nature that is sooo ... centering. I need to spend more time outdoors. I’m glad the hiking with the boys is going okay. I may send my girls to you!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Dec 09, 2020 3:00 pm

Linda, the longer I track what "works" for me and what doesn't, the more I see how non-negotiable woodsy (alone, LOL!) walks are for me to stay healthy in every dimension, and the physical part may be one of the least important reasons! Don't get me wrong, my body feels strong and young when I hike, but it's so so much deeper than that for me. It is interesting to ponder if this is a commonality for most humans, or if some of us particularly crave/need it, or if it's more about how we were raised, or how often we've done it, etc. As comparison, I grew up playing sports year round constantly. Don't miss it. ONE BIT. Whereas I know many people (although I have to admit, mostly guys) that need the "play" of sports to feel centered.

Send your girls! 5 minutes in this rainy weather (well, OK, let's face it - 5 minutes in my messy house and having to eat boring food) and they'll never complain to you about anything again.

Wednesday, Dec.9

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: Burger and fries
0 glasses of wine
dessert - ice cream and a cookie

Moving
Doing the talking myself out of it again because of feeling I have a big to-do list. We'll see.
OK, not only did I go, but I went on a longer hike than normal - almost 3 hours. Then I took the boys on the local jogging trail. I keep seeing joggers wearing masks and I want to let them know (but don't worry - I keep my mouth shut) that after my research of the mask literature (I even wrote up a synopsis of it for myself to keep it all straight in my head), I am confident that mask-wearing during exercise is a) not good for their respiratory system; b) isn't necessary since there is no one around and ventilation is excellent (outside); and c) if they actually needed protection in that scenario, the mask is not going to be very helpful since once the outside gets moist, its efficacy decreases (and its always pretty drizzly here these days). I keep wondering where they are hearing that they should do this because I'm confident no healthcare institution or the CDC or the WHO would tell them to do this. Maybe they aren't hearing it from anyone. Maybe they just saw a jogger wearing a mask and then thought - Oh! I'm supposed to wear a mask when I jog!

Then after dinner, I took HappyHerder for a loop around the neighborhood. It's proving good for my blood glucose response after dinner, and since it was a no alcohol day, it shifts my thinking from the desire to veg out with a glass of wine in the evening.

I'm reading "Gulag Archipelago" - anyone else ever read this? It's about the prison camps in the Soviet Union. I'm not too far into it but the first chapter describes the arrests and how they were done sneakily, during the night, so as to avoid resistance. But even in broad daylight, most victims didn't resist arrest. The whole thing felt shocking to them, and since they knew they weren't guilty of anything, many of them went along meekly, trusting that the truth would set them free. I recently finished 1984, Brave New World, and Man's Search For Meaning.

I'm also starting a book called "The Secret Life of Groceries."

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Wed Dec 09, 2020 9:51 pm

Glad you are still dragging the boys out! We still drag our family out every other weekend but every day would be so much more beneficial. I have always felt the way you describe about being out in the woods and nature as well. Maybe getting closer to our roots and feeling connected to our world?

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri Dec 11, 2020 12:34 am

Thursday, Dec. 10

128

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
snack fail - doritos
D: elk steak

Moving
Lots - 2 hikes, maybe one more after dinner. On the hike with the boys, we found a tree swing in the woods!!

Funny Story - Creator got in trouble today because the teacher mis-defined a compound sentence and he argued with her. Then the next example everyone got it wrong because of her definition, and he was like, "that's what I said" or something along those lines. She said that she was "his superior" and that he'd been very disrespectful. Tomorrow he has to formally apologize. So I didn't really say anything much, but reiterated he needed to be respectful. But deep down I was thinking how that teacher was probably embarrassed that a 6th grader had a better mastery of conjunctions than she did, and reacted defensively.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Fri Dec 11, 2020 12:39 pm

Hard to support teachers when you know that they are wrong. Pretty poor on her part.

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri Dec 11, 2020 5:14 pm

Soprano - I remember how frustrating middle schoolers can be when they got goofy or challenged me. But I always had a lot of empathy for the kids that thought outside of the box and didn't want to do their assignments in the "standard" way. I gave them as much leeway as I could, and if I couldn't, I'd often tell them "look I get it that your way is actually better here! But we need to satisfy this part, and then you can have freedom with this other part." Definitely Creator marches to his own drum, and I imagine that his "creative" approach to schoolwork could be annoying to a teacher. But if a teacher is very much a "color in the lines" person by nature themselves, it must be doubly hard to put up with a kid like Creator. And I think for all of us it's hard to admit we made a mistake in front of a class. But to not own up to it just breeds further disrespect from the class. Anyway, so I cried a little for Creator (he doesn't know this). He'll need to work through this sort of thing. Wanting to "save" them from the pain is a forever hard thing about parenting.......

I just discovered that this same teacher gave him a "zero" on an assignment which required 8 sentences to describe a favorite place to visit. She said he had written a poem, not a paragraph. I took a look at this "poem". It was really good! Talk about squelching the kid. She could have said, "look this is great stuff you did. But I'll need you to submit this in paragraph form for grading." or something like that. Instead, just a zero and no discussion with him. I'm not complaining in particular about this teacher; I am more expressing my exasperation with institutionalized education in general. But he'll need to muddle through, and I'm sure he'll do fine. But it's hard to watch.

Friday, December 11

127.8

Although the roller skating rink is closed again, they are having some skate sales and stocking stuffers for sale right now. I'm going to buy both kids in-line skates, and a ton of stocking stuffers, and gift cards for friends. If this place goes out of business, I will grieve.

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
afternoon fail! ?? ice cream, chips - definitely a bit of an emotional melt-down about continued lockdown
D: pizza
3 glasses of wine

Moving
Not sure about today. Feeling slug-like and depressed about lock-downs. Our gov. just extended it another month. Interestingly, I don't know a single person that has gotten COVID, let alone been hospitalized with it. As long as I don't watch the news, I'd have no idea the entire globe is focused on this virus.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Fri Dec 11, 2020 5:50 pm

So hard watching our kids taking knocks in life. Creator sounds like he's got something special. I'm sure you are right and he'll do just fine. Especially with you for his mum

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Dec 12, 2020 3:23 pm

Thanks Soprano.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I sort of fell apart lockdown-wise. I'm reaching a breaking point, but it's interesting because my angst is over my concern over others in my community, not because of personal suffering.

So, in my pity party I ate a bunch of junk and had 3 glasses of wine. Not the original plan for the day.

130.0

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L:
D:

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Sat Dec 12, 2020 7:54 pm

I sympathize auto, I feel like I'm only just holding it together with the covid situation. But I know I'm suffering some underlying anxiety from the physical symptoms I have.

Just but sure what to do about it. Yet in some ways I'm really happy.

Wierd times

Jx

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sun Dec 13, 2020 3:31 pm

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I’m so burnt out on all of this too and yeah mostly it’s hard to watch how it’s effecting my kids. I’m fine but really miss certain freedoms. It’s just tough all around. There is help right around the corner though. Doc gets his first vaccine next week! Interestingly, the fact that you don’t know anyone who has had covid could be related to how seriously your state is taking this? AZ is very lax and I know 8 ppl who have had it on the top of my head including my mom’s hairdresser who lost both her son and husband to it. :/ Not that lockdowns are the answer but just having ppl being careful and using common sense. Our neighbor had a huge maskless party with a band and all for example. Anyway, we all have a right to feel a little sorry for ourselves right now. Hang in there and big *hugs*.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sun Dec 13, 2020 5:12 pm

Thank you Linda.

Sunday, December 13

130

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: burrito and a bowl of ice cream
D: Harry & David Peanut butter popcorn (?) I didn't even know that was a thing until it was gifted to us.
3 glasses of wine

Here is my song of despair:
Just really still not "all there". Depressed, restless, angry, and non-productive. That part makes me sickened by myself. I have no excuse to not be more productive. I'm also eating a ton and I feel so fat and gross. I feel so angry about the government forcing businesses to close while giant places like Costco and McDonalds get a free pass. I am disgusted with myself for so long having taken the peculiar freedoms of my country for granted. I feel grateful that I have a job and guilty that I have a job. I feel thankful that I can work from home and guilty that I can work from home. I am glad that our finances aren't affected by lockdowns, and ashamed that I can sit in my house and be fine while others suffer. I feel worried for the high-risk elderly in care homes, and simultaneously I feel my conscience pricked that they are locked up in there, and I wonder whether or not they want to take the risks of seeing loved ones. My heart breaks for the pre-schoolers that are missing out on an entire year of learning to read facial expressions and develop socially. Tears pricked my eyes the other day in Costco as I watched a baby scanning the masked faces all around her, trying to learn what human faces do - and knowing that she was missing out on critical social development in her first year of life. I want to scream with frustration when I think of all the kids that are deprived of getting to play sports, engage in drama, singing, making music - learning who they are and what they love during those all-so-important adolescent years. I think our younger generations will be marked by this forever - socially, financially, and physically. In all my life, I have never had so much turbulence inside of me, as different sides war within me and all my research doesn't settle the issues within my heart. I usually find calm within the storm by researching and learning. Here, there are no ultimate right answers and everything is murky.

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Sun Dec 13, 2020 10:13 pm

The response to COVID has made me a little sad too!! I wonder if when we look back on how it was handled we will see mistakes where made. Yes, we are saving lives of at-risk people, but we’ve hurt the lives of others in the process, including the at-risk people (mental health,unemploment, isolating kids at critical ages, sub-par education). I’m not saying that one life is worth more than another, just that the repercussions of this might be more substantial than what we realize.

alene1 · Post by **alene1** » Mon Dec 14, 2020 2:52 pm

Hi Auto. I'm sorry you're in a funk. This is just a crappy situation all around, with no solution that will fix all the moving parts. No easy answers. I hope that your mood will lift soon. I think all of us have been going through many hills and valleys during these 9 months. Mostly valleys!! I hope the lights outside will lift your spirits. I know getting outside is so good for you. I hope you can do more of that. Give yourself grace. This is a HARD time. Sending you love friend!

PS: Peanut butter popcorn sounds like major trouble! I've had the chocolate covered popcorn with peanuts. OMG, so good! I love PB too, so I can imagine it would be hard to find a stopping point with that.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Dec 14, 2020 3:07 pm

Thanks Jen and Alene. In a weird way it felt important that I didn't deny the turmoil in my soul. But now I just have to keep on living, putting one foot in front of the next.

Oh, and Linda, my brother has tested positive! No symptoms though. But that made me re-evaluate my statement in an earlier post as I thought about cases I know: I forgot that my student back in March was the first at my school, one of the first in the nation! And a co-worker tested positive a few months ago. I forgot about him too. Oops. And my ex-brother-in-law tested positive but I didn't count him because I haven't seen him in 15 years and he lives in another state. Sorry I wasn't very accurate about that.

I'm feeling a tiny bit better this morning. This week I'm banning myself from the news. Wish me luck and feel free to ask if I'm sticking to it!! I would put my computer entirely away except I have to use it to research for my videos, and I'm allowing myself to come on here and post, too.

I'm reading a new "devotional" of sorts. It's called 'The Daily Stoic' by Ryan Holiday. Each day of the year there is a quote from a Stoic philosopher (Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and Seneca) and then a short blurb.

I also have several more history books on totalitarianism to read; not cheery, but also they don't affect me the way the news does. The news is like a cancer for my soul. I never watched it before COVID. For real. I told my husband to let me know if something significant had occurred so I wasn't entirely ignorant. When an election was occurring, I would read the voter pamphlet, maybe look up a few things, and then vote. I need to go back to that.

Monday, December 14

130.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
fail - a few cheetos, but on the bright side I stopped myself
D: sole fish, baked potato w/cheese & sour cream, veggies w/ranch
fail - 3 glasses of wine
fail - ice cream

Moving
2 hikes planned today - the morning one will be at least 3 hours, and then a short one after school with the boys.

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Mon Dec 14, 2020 4:22 pm

The news has ruined my parents! They used to be such fun, positive people to be around & now they are just bitter & angry. Dinners out with them can be awful when they are on one of their news rants ): it’s made me sad to watch & kind of fear the news because of it!!

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Mon Dec 14, 2020 7:07 pm

Pleased to hear you are feeling a tiny bit better, hope it is soon a lot

The news is so depressing, I must admit this past 9 months I have watched a lot too when previously I rarely did.

Here's hoping things improve for us all next year.

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Tue Dec 15, 2020 4:00 pm

Jen, that "angry and bitter" is exactly what I DON'T want to be!
Thanks, Soprano. I continue to feel slightly better although......

so yesterday I succeeded in avoiding the news but completely failed on my no alcohol day.

I even have a headache this morning to show for it.

Trying to fix all the vices in my life in one day is quite the challenge.

So today - continue with the *no news. *Be productive - Finish Right Side Heart Failure video. *Don't drink alcohol.

Tuesday, December 15

129.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: cheeseburger and veggies
dang fail - ice cream
0 glasses of wine (yay! victory here!)

Moving
Will hike with the boys, but taking the morning off for myself to finish this video.

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Tue Dec 15, 2020 8:39 pm

Auto I am sorry you are having such a tough time. It sounds so hard to deal with. It's interesting and sad the different ways this is affecting all of us. All your concerns up there are what my husband has been saying this whole time too. He is so worried about kids and our kids and how this is affecting them all.

News... Oh my gosh, its so bad now. I miss the days of walter kronkite and PBS news. I miss Boring boring boring. My facebook feed has been broken for about about 2 weeks now so I can't really mindlessly scroll and see news that way, so that is good, but google news still gets me occasionally. I did take a news fast a while back where all I did was schoolwork or read books, and it was very good for my soul.

I hope your brother gets better soon and continues to have no symptoms.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Dec 16, 2020 2:48 pm

Pinkie - LOL about Walter Kronkite and PBS news! Now that you mention it, I remember growing up that my dad watched EVERY day the "McNeil Lehr News Hour". No fluff there! Ha! And then he would watch "Oregon Field Guide" which was slow and relaxing. And Lawrence Welk on Saturday nights with ice cream!

Each day I stay away from the news, I feel more like myself. It's like I'm coming out of a fog of negativity. I'm not riding high, but I am getting by!

So as I work on my goals this month - no news, pretty strict alcohol rules, catching up on work videos.... it makes my willpower all used up and I am failing with food. I also have been a wreck about planning dinners like I should.

I've gained about 10 pounds this year.

Working from home has not been good for my waistline.

But I can only do what I can do. I have some pretty stubborn vices surrounding food planning, alcohol intake, and eating junk when I'm depressed. Can't seem to master these problems, but I also need to keep struggling toward improvement. Giving up would end up with me an overweight alcohol with diabetes.

Wednesday, December 16

129.8

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
(if I want to snack before dinner, I'll have a glass of milk) - update wasn't tempted
D: Indian-seasoned chicken
0 glasses of wine
(will be) my best effort to avoid junk....... - if I want to snack after dinner, I'll have more milk! - oops I forgot to use this strategy and had ice cream.

Moving
I'm hiking with a friend!

In the rain, of course. The other day while I was hiking, the cold rain was like a painful pounding on my forehead. Luckily I had a hat in my backpack, but it has sure been cold and rainy. Reminds me a little of the year Challenger was born 15 years ago - the rainiest month on record in Washington - or something crazy like that. His birthday is next week!

Here is my Stoic Quote for the day:
"You only have to learn to live like the healthy person does .... with complete confidence. What confidence? The only one worth holding, in what is trustworthy, unhindered, and can't be taken away - your own reasoned choice." - Epictetus

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Thu Dec 17, 2020 3:12 pm

Today I still feel I'm "trending up", but I did have a slight backwards blip on my walk yesterday because my friend talked about COVID politics a lot. I felt all filled with icky after, and still have a bit of a knot in my stomach about it. However, my news fast continues, and has been surprisingly easy to resist. I think it helps that I was not normally a news watcher or reader. It is much easier for me to skip the news than wine, for example!

Evening snacking seems to have become a bad habit for me. For most of my life, I have bragged that evening eating isn't an issue for me. Humbling of my hubris! I routinely have been ending up eating chips or ice cream (or both) after dinner. More on nights I don't drink alcohol.

I'm really in the midst of personal challenges that run beneath the surface. On the outside, things look stable, but under the hood, I'm struggling to find my groove.

So today. The simple things that matter.
*Make a video.
*Make dinner.
*Take a walk.
*Read a fiction book.

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine (it's winter! time for clementines!), 2 pieces of bacon
L: yogurt w/berries
D: leftover chicken curry
2 glasses of wine
.... ice cream .....

Moving
Nothing planned. Kids have funny schedules and I need to prioritize my video. Cardiomyopathy today.

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Thu Dec 17, 2020 7:57 pm

It is so hard to escape politics when the pandemic has become political and we are surrounded by it 24/7. I am glad your news fast is helping!

That evening snacking has been getting harder for me too! The past few nights except for last night I have been grabbing a very large handful of m&m's. I am not sure why, I can tell in my brain that I am kind of like "screw it! it doesn't matter!". But I don't know why.

I hope you get everything done that you wanted to accomplish today!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri Dec 18, 2020 5:13 pm

Thanks Pinkie. I did have a productive day, but I failed again with alcohol and with ice cream. Nothing for it but to try again today.

Friday, December 18

Today is the kids' last day of school before Christmas vacation.

Challenger's 15th Birthday is on Monday!!

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: leftover chicken and veggies
fail - 3 glasses of wine
a glass of milk when the cravings hit! fail - had ice cream. Again.

Moving
I'd like to go on a walk once I finish today's video.

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Fri Dec 18, 2020 6:40 pm

Woohoo! Yay for Christmas Holiday! Yes nothing for it but to try again. I ended up eating chocolate last night... ahh well.

Happy early birthday to Challenger! Are you guys doing anything special for his birthday? Do you combine Christmas and his birthday?

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Dec 19, 2020 5:16 pm

Pinkie - we celebrate Challenger's birthday on its own, but some years his present is part bd/part Christmas. This year, for example, because we are getting him the new Xbox. Unfortunately, the thing has been sold out since basically it came out..... so we may not have it for him by Monday. Probaby won't, in fact. But he knows that and we have some little gifts for him and we'll still try to make it festive. He wants Round Table Pizza for dinner and one of those enormous Costco cakes. I normally wouldn't have said yes to that, since it's so huge, but it is the pandemic year and I'm looking for ways to make things more exciting, so I think we'll do it. Maybe we can hand out pieces to neighbors. Oh, that reminds me! Today Creator and I are going to make Christmas cookies.

So here I am - Saturday morning, December 19

This week has been a mixed bag of victories and defeats. Clear victory on two fronts: avoiding the news and getting videos done. I got 4 done this week, which is excellent for me. Clear defeat on two fronts: drinking alcohol on "dry" days and eating ice cream and other junk virtually every day. I had a middling week on exercise and I've definitely been getting fatter. It's funny how my mind keeps score of everything and grades me on my efforts.

129.2

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: beef burrito
D: pizza
2 glasses of wine
ice cream

Moving
I intend to go on a hike, but I also want to get another video started. Update - took both dogs to a nearby elementary school to let them run. There were 2 other dogs there and those 4 dogs raced and raced and RACED for 40 minutes. Flowerpup got exhausted. HappyHerder was in his happiest happiest element.

It was so fun to watch them!

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Sat Dec 19, 2020 11:21 pm

Well done on the videos.

I'm sure you'll get on top of the food and drink when the time is right.

Jx

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Sun Dec 20, 2020 1:26 am

Auto, that sounds fun! I didn't realize x box had a new system out this year as well. I knew about the ps 5 but not the x box. I bet Challenger is excited to be getting it, and that sounds like a great way to celebrate.

I hope you had fun with the Christmas cookies! The girls and I are going to make those on Tuesday. I am not doing sugar cookies this year because I am sick of the icing and all that, even though they love it. What kind of cookies did you guys make?

Good job on the videos and avoiding the news! Take those victories! And, I think this is kind of a tough time of year for food, leading up to the holidays, so be gentle with yourself.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Dec 21, 2020 1:52 am

Soprano - I am so trying to ride this wave right now and not be completely overtaken! I even had a dream last night that Flowerpup and I were in a dingy in the ocean and these giant waves kept overwhelming us. We'd go under and hold our breath until the wave popped us back up again. There was also a part of the dream about zombie infections - clearly COVID related! I'm currently signed up with "nutrisense" - a continuous glucose monitoring company that provides me with dietician support. Laughingly, I am eating worse than I have in years. My dietician says nice encouraging things but she probably thinks I'm a big loser. Oh well......

Pinkie - most definitely we made the terrible sugar cookies with icing! But not a ton, so it wasn't too crazy.

Sunday, December 20th

131!

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, 1 damn sugar cookie
L: yogurt w/berries (yes! victory amongst temptations!)
dessert - a small sliver of cake while I read all afternoon about the Donner Party on the California trail (half of them died and the survivors ate the dead). Nothing like being warm and well-fed (ok ok I'm actually OVERFED) while I read about their horrible travails. Can you imagine having to decide whether to leave your 3 year old with another family and try to walk out for help? Or stay and watch your baby starve? Golly, morbid. But I also greatly enjoyed reading "Alive" the story about the rugby team that got stuck in the Andes and some had to eat each other. So I'm a little eccentric..... I get it.

D: (will be) fancy pizza for Challenger's Birthday. Tomorrow (his actual birthday) he's having friends spend the night and they'll walk to the local grocery store deli to get food. Perfect since it gets him exercised AND fed.
(will be) 2 glasses of wine

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Mon Dec 21, 2020 4:07 am

Oh boy what a dream! To say we are all getting burnt out is an understatement. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. I know youll turn things around because ive seen you struggle before and you always manage to do so. You have a lot more discipline than most or at least moi!

I went to the donner party museum and it was quote interesting. I totally get being interested in weird stuff. Did you know im totally obsessed with cults? I am and cant even explain it but it just blows my mind to see how perfectly seemingly sane ppl can be so completely manipulated.

Big hugs and happy bday to challenger!

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Mon Dec 21, 2020 4:08 am

Scary dream. It does really seem your mind is feeling overwhelmed and trying to find a release. I'm awake at daft o'clock worrying about a past work issue. I'm sure it's connected to the unsettling period we are living in at the moment. With the added usual stress of Christmas.

Hope we all find some peace soon.

Jx

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Mon Dec 21, 2020 4:43 pm

Auto: I’m sure you’ll get it figured out soon!! From what I see the norm is “hard with food” for people out there through this!! I think the state of the world effects us more than we even know!!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Dec 21, 2020 4:57 pm

Thank you all!

Linda - thank you for your confidence in me. I appreciate that and it really does buoy me. I've been here before. I can claw my way back to a healthier state. Oh, and my hubby and I have watched lots of interesting documentaries on cults. I think it's always fascinating to see how ordinary people act in situations we can barely imagine ourselves in - whether stuck in the mountains with no food, or when confronted with a charming cult-leader! Similarly, I'm always interested in the true psycopaths and wonder if I would like them if I met them, or if I could be the one to "see through" their lies!

Soprano - "daft" oclock!!!! Ugh. I hate that!

Jen - I am working super hard to get back to a balanced emotional state about everything. The main thing is continuing to avoid the news. I think I've rambled on here several times about how humans are wonderfully equipped to handle the stresses and issues of small-village living, but our psyches are NOT equipped to deal with continued heartbreak, stress, and problems on a global level, certainly not ongoing for a year. It just flattens us.

OK, so MONDAY, DECEMBER 21!!

15 years ago, at 2:43pm today, my Challenger was born. A screaming, red-faced, perfect dimples, dark curly hair, chubby legs, 7 pounds 6 oz 20 inches long. Perfection. I had been in labor for 2 days, followed by an emergency C section, so I was sore from pushing and all the normal labor stuff, combined with surgery recovery. But seeing his perfection was amazing. I love him and all his Challenging ways. He is becoming a good man. If he had lived during the Donner Party, he would have been strong and brave and volunteered to walk out for help. The world needs people like him, even if they are a little harder for their moms to raise!

130.8!!!!!!

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: sausage, cheese, and crackers
0 glasses of wine all week
decaf coffee w/cream after dinner (instead of ice cream)
dessert - birthday cake for Challenger's birthday

So this week I need to focus on:
1) no alcohol Monday - Thursday night, then OK this weekend - I can do this!
2) videos - 4 done this week - staying away from news helps this immensely
3) kicking the evening ice cream habit - must go for decaf coffee w/cream to substitute!
4) eating a good dinner with a lot of protein every night - must thaw and cook meat...!

Note that exercise is left off. I do think it's important (of course) but I can only split my willpower in so many pieces. Each one of those priorities I just listed will be HARD for me. Update - ended up walking with both dogs for a couple hours in the RAIN RAIN RAIN. Then a little later it started snowing! We have at least an inch. No one expected this!

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Mon Dec 21, 2020 6:03 pm

Those sugar cookies are delicous though!

Sounds like you have a good plan! I totally agree with leaving the exercise off, because willpower is finite and it sounds like you have good priorities.

Happy birthday to Challenger!

I have used the decaf coffee with cream as an ice cream substitute pretty successfully! Good luck achieving all that you want to achieve this week.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Tue Dec 22, 2020 3:52 pm

So yesterday went pretty well, actually. I did not get any video work done, however. But I did get through a lot of things on my to-do list and I ended up going on a great hike with the dogs. Plus it snowed! Creator went sledding. Although I had piece of birthday cake, I was happy that the rest of my eating was on-point.

So today, Tuesday, December 22

131

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: carne asada, cheese, clementine
0 glasses of wine
glass of milk, dark chocolate squares for evening cravings

Moving
Walk AFTER I finish my video, or most of it, anyway. Update on this part - no exercise today, but I DID finish the video

Goals today:
1. Video - Platelet Aggregation
2. Stay on-point with eating
3. No alcohol tonight

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Tue Dec 22, 2020 9:24 pm

Auto, you got this, I feel you are reaching your turning point.

Hang on in there

Jx

Kittson · Post by **Kittson** » Wed Dec 23, 2020 1:57 am

Wishing you the best with your goals. I hope you accomplished all you set out to!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Dec 23, 2020 4:04 pm

Thanks Soprano - I do feel more hopeful each day that passes. It's absolutely amazing how critical it was for me to quit the news; well, after flyingpig mentioned the poor lorries (which btw I also had to look up because we call those vehicles semi-trucks here), I did look up the cliffs of Dover and all about Kent and Calais last night. Haha! But I ended up reading about the land bridge that used to connect Kent to France, so that is really more my natural style!

I don't think it would be very relaxing to take a toddler to visit the White Cliffs of Dover, well or even my silly dogs.

Kittson - thanks for the support for my goals!

So yesterday was the first day, I think, in a long while that I avoided all S's, fails, and alcohol, PLUS got a video done. The only big thing missing was a long hike, but I did manage a walk before bed.

Wednesday, December 23

128.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: sardines, crackers, clementine, a bit of halibut, a little bit of sausage & cheese
0 glasses of wine
decaf coffee after dinner, a glass of milk

Moving
Yesterday I sat and worked for about 12 hours. Today I need to get out for a hike. Plus it's one of our (rare) NW days where it's clear out. That comes at the cost of COLD (for us - about 32 degrees F), but these frosty walks are fun! The dogs love it when it's cold. I will work until noon and then head out after lunch.
Update - good walk today! A couple of hours out there.

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Wed Dec 23, 2020 6:20 pm

Nice job getting the videos done!! You are giving your Will power a run for it

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Wed Dec 23, 2020 11:06 pm

Whoop, well done on your success onwards and upwards, or downwards on the scale

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Thu Dec 24, 2020 4:52 pm

Thanks Jen and Soprano!

Thursday, CHRISTMAS EVE, December 24th!!

128.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: cheese & caramel popcorn
3 glasses of wine

Moving
A short(er) kind of walk today - video working must be the focus. And no reading my "fun" books until I finish the video for today!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri Dec 25, 2020 4:01 pm

Merry Christmas!

Yesterday I failed on alcohol, and my dinner was.... strange.....but I can still adjust the rest of the week to hit my overall drink goals.

I managed to finish a video yesterday, but then remembered I needed tomato sauce at the store. After I got home, I realized I still needed a few stocking stuffers so I had to go out AGAIN. By the time I got home, I was a little frazzled. Mentally worn out from working all day. I still need to make 4 more videos and, not counting today which I'm definitely taking off, I have 5 days. Do you think I can do it?

Creator and I are relaxing downstairs with coffee, cocoa, and stocking contents. Since Challenger became a teenager, we always have to wait longer than we want. When the boys were little, it was Sexy we had to drag out of bed, now it's Challenger.

127.4

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, egg sandwich
L: cheese & caramel popcorn
D: ham, caesar salad, crescent roll
desserts: leftover birthday cake, ice cream
2 glasses of wine

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Fri Dec 25, 2020 7:44 pm

Merry Christmas

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Dec 26, 2020 4:18 pm

Merry Christmas to you too Soprano!

Saturday, December 26

130.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: a small cinnamon roll
D: popcorn, a little ham, a few chocolates for taste-testing
3 glasses of wine

Moving
Got to get out today for a good walk/jog. Also need to make a video though and get this house a little cleaner! Seems impossible to do all these things today. But I'll do my best. Top priority must be video. Update - finished the video by 3pm and was able to take out the dogs for a long walk - got home after dark. We were not "lost" (I could see houses), but I did "lose" the trail in the underbrush. We all had to go through crazy briars and prickers before we finally got out of there. Flowerpup got a thorn in her foot, but seems OK now. HappyHerder at one point refused to keep going and I had to help him through. Sheesh! But the remainder of the walk was good, and the dogs were definitely tired when we got home!

I'm up right now typing this in the middle of the night. All the junk I ate, along with too much wine, and I definitely have an upset stomach. I guess it serves me right, and I'll be happy to start eating more normally again tomorrow.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sun Dec 27, 2020 4:41 pm

Sunday, December 27

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: deer & elk steak, Caesar Salad
0 glasses of wine
dessert - small cinnamon roll

Moving
Will walk today with dogs after dinner.

I don't feel good this morning - all that bad food, alcohol, and then not sleeping well. I still have an upset stomach this morning, which is decreasing my productivity. I need to focus on:
*getting the garbage and recycling ready for tomorrow (done)
*video - aspirin mode of action (didn't get much done here)
*walking (yes, although it was after dark by the time I went)
*patiently watching Creator practice card tricks.

(oh, yes! lots of this!)

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Sun Dec 27, 2020 8:12 pm

Hope you feel better soon. My eating hasn't been overly excessive but not the best choices

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Dec 28, 2020 4:29 pm

Thanks Soprano - I felt normal by mid-day yesterday but it was disconcerting!

Now I'm reading about the (U.S) midwest plains' settlers. I had no idea it was rough to live there in the early days. I thought the soil was so fertile and everything was great until they ruined the topsoil and caused the Dust Bowl. They lived in these horrible houses made out of sod. It sounds like the way the ultra-poor lived in Ireland. The sod roofs, not surprisingly, leaked when it rained! And in the spring, hibernating rattlesnakes would wake up and crawl out into their houses!!!

I've learned that in the 1870's and 1880's, they had some major locust plagues! The locusts would not only eat all their crops, but also try to eat their wooden tools and doors.

I also learned they had prairie fires. I hadn't thought about fires in the plains.

But what was worst were their storms! The jet streams from Canada zoomed down to Montana and then over the plains, and sometimes would hit a southerly warm current and WHAM! Storms that kick up in minutes. This one storm, in 1888, the temp. went UP 50 degrees Farhenheit (from -20 to 32) in one day; all the farmers were so excited to to get some work done. But that's what happens right BEFORE the big storm! So it was sneaky! The old-timers, some of them sensed that something was up, and kept their kids home from school and didn't plan lots of field work. But many people were caught out of doors due to the rare unseasonably warm morning before the storm.

They did have a rudimentary weather forecast program (they called it "indications" rather than forecast), but the guy didn't think the cold wave was coming for another day. Besides, I really doubt too many of those pioneers would have heard the news. The locals would try to put up a special flag that could be seen for far around when a cold wave was coming. But in this case, they were too late to warn anyone.

The buffalo could handle it though! Their fur was so thick that their body heat didn't melt it. They knew to stand facing the storm, and could weather 40 below (Fahrenheit). They could dig down 4 feet to get to a little grass. I'm still not sure why the ranchers didn't try (harder) to farm with the buffalo (instead of those Texas longhorns that they tried to graze on the plains and all those steer died during the winters). I know the buffalo were meaner and leaner than our typical cattle, but I guess they must have been a LOT meaner, and a LOT leaner to discourage those determined ranchers from using them more often!
Teddy Roosevelt kept trying to keep his (Texas Longhorn) cattle ranch in the plains going, but he failed.

Monday, December 28

129.8

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: sardines on crackers, burger & fries?

0 glasses of wine
cravings will be dealt with using clementines, coffee, or milk

Moving
If I am very diligent, I can hopefully finish my video by 2:30pm and have time for a long hike before dark hits. If I finish after 3, I'll need to just walk in my neighborhood.

My goals today -
VIDEO
WALK
CLEAN
BUY CRACKERS

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Mon Dec 28, 2020 5:46 pm

Good luck with your goals. Interesting history there too

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Tue Dec 29, 2020 4:42 pm

Yesterday was a mixed bag. I was in a horrible mood because I couldn't get my video to come together. I'm still struggling with it, but past the hump of horror.

Didn't exercise. Just all around grumpy and discouraged and having thoughts about how bad of a teacher I am, and that I can't explain things well to people at all.

Back at it today.

Tuesday, December 29th (3 days to finish 3 videos..... - I have been a poor manager of my time, often choosing hedonistic pleasures, obsessive news reading, or pure laziness over getting my work done)

130.2

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: fried egg, clementine
D: carne asada, cheese, guacamole, yogurt; followed by a clementine
surprise fail!!!!! ice cream and 2 cookies. Not sure how that even happened, I was feeling really great.

Moving
Got to get out there today, for animals' sake as well as mine.

I am trying to work at my kitchen table, surrounded by kid crap and with Creator almost always nearby asking me to participate in card tricks. Or he's loudly slurping his hot chocolate - I'm currently wearing my headphones to block out the sound. I do feel near breaking point.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Tue Dec 29, 2020 6:03 pm

Oh so sorry you are having a bad time, hope you get your walk and feel better for it.

I was back in work today, didn't fancy it but it was fine when I got there.

Hang on in there, you'll get the videos done, you are a great teacher.

Jx

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Tue Dec 29, 2020 10:11 pm

I need alone time & then feel like the worlds worst mom for needing it. It’s awful when I’m trying to work or eat breakfast/lunch & my kids want to “hang out”

I hope you get your videos done!!

Kittson · Post by **Kittson** » Wed Dec 30, 2020 2:40 pm

Auto - I can relate to you with the news reading. Sometimes I can start reading the news and all of a sudden a ridiculous amount of time has gone by and all that I've accomplished is raising my blood pressure! It's so hard to let go of the "rush" of reading the news. Wishing you a better day today!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Dec 30, 2020 3:36 pm

Sorry you’re struggling. I swear I’ve been fantasizing about having the whole house to myself for just even a couple of hours. 9 mos of constant togetherness is tough! Is there a coffee shop or anything that you can go to? We have some local coffee places open with 6 far apart tables, but I’m guessing things are a little stricter there? Can you make a temp work space somewhere else in the house that allows you to shut the door?

Anyway, I know you’ll figure it out but hope today is better.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Dec 30, 2020 4:33 pm

Thanks Soprano, Jen, Kitty, and Linda! I think this group really helped me yesterday, because after I finished my video, I started thinking of what to do to take care of myself so that I would be in a better mood. I considered a nap, a bath & book. I even thought of coming back on here and asking y'all. But then I knew. This forum. I knew. How many times have I written about my walks being the most "anchoring" habit I have? So I went. Luckily I finished by 1pm, so I got out to the woods with Flowerpup and just walked and walked and walked. For 3 hours while I listened to science podcasts.

And I gradually felt better and better. By the time I was done, I was normal again.

Linda - you are right - no coffee shops or anything inside like that. And no extra space in this house that isn't stomped on throughout the day. On the one hand, I appreciate that we make "good use" (haha) of our space, but it does not provide a separate place for me to work. This is part of why we considered moving to a bigger house back in the fall, but we didn't do it because I guess I'm too chicken to take on the debt. Even though I keep reading about how taking advantage of low interest rates is how people accumulate wealth. I spend time wondering if I'll regret this in the future.

Wednesday, December 30

130

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: Indian butter curry chicken, salad

Moving
Yes - will walk - update went on another great hike this afternoon. I hadn't finished my video but I definitely got through the hardest parts.

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Thu Dec 31, 2020 12:19 am

I’m glad you figured out how to feel better!! Walking is the best way to improve mood in my opinion!! Ideally outdoors, but even a quick 20 minutes on a treadmill can help me turn around a downward spiral!!

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Thu Dec 31, 2020 7:21 am

Walking always lifts my mood. I don't get out every day now we haven't got a dog. Luckily my new job is close enough to walk if the weather is dry. And friends who have a dog often call if they are going out with theirs

Jx

alene1 · Post by **alene1** » Thu Dec 31, 2020 3:41 pm

Happy new year Auto!! Wishing you a wonderful 2021! Thank you for your friendship through this tough year.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Thu Dec 31, 2020 6:01 pm

Jen - yes walking is the best for me! It's my therapy.

And, like you said, ideally outdoors in the fresh air!

Soprano - That is REALLY neat that you can walk to work! Do you live in an urban area? It takes me 45 minutes to walk to work, which I have actually done a lot, but it is harder when the kids have things going on and need transport. Of course, now none of us goes anywhere.....

Thank you Alene! This forum is such a wonderful support!

Yesterday was a surpringly successful day. Good work on my video, green for alcohol and sweets, chose good foods, and took a great hike. I'm sort of shocked that I had such an "on-target" day.

Today if I can finish ONE more video I will meet my quota for the month. I'm not so sure, but I will give it my best shot. Topic: Clot-Busters!

Thursday, December 31 - Happy New Year!

130.0

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: leftover Chicken curry and Caesar salad
desserts for the holiday evening: Doritos and some skittles

Moving
Of course the plan is to get out there! Yes! Went on a great hike in the rain!

The house is a mess and Christmas decorations will need to come down. But I will deal with all that starting tomorrow. Today... video focus, exercise, good eating and no alcohol are the goals. If I'm exceptionally on-point, I will also play board games with my kids tonight.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri Jan 01, 2021 4:37 pm

Friday, January 1, 2021

130.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, 1 egg, 1 clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: chicken & broccoli & 2 crescent rolls
0 glasses of wine
cravings - milk, clementines, decaf coffee

Moving
Today my focus is on cleaning the house and putting away Christmas decorations.

Yesterday I did pretty good! I finished my video quota for the month (yes!!!), got in a good hike, and for New Year's Eve - only ate a bowl of Doritos and a couple handfuls of sugar candy. I thought overall pretty good!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Jan 02, 2021 4:29 pm

Saturday, January 2, 2021

130.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: sardines on saltines, leftover chicken
0 glasses of wine
had a clementine and decaf coffee w/milk to deal with evening cravings

Moving
HIke planned - went on a 4 hour hike with both dogs.

Yesterday went really well, for the most part. I got a LOT of cleaning done, and almost all the decorations put away. I still need to put away the door wreath and a few outdoor lights.

I also feel good about my food choices yesterday, and I avoided alcohol.

In the evening, the family was watching a funny show and Challenger yelled at me for laughing too loud so he couldn't hear and that it was ruining the show. He said it in a mean 15 year old tone, too, and it really hurt my feelings. I think oftentimes when something hurts us, it's only because that something triggered a MUCH bigger inner issue, and this was no exception. I ended up not responding at the moment, because I knew I was feeling icky and defensive and my motives weren't right. But this morning I still feel disturbed by his words, and I will let him know that it hurt me and made me angry. Even though he's almost an adult, it's still my responsibility to let him know what civil versus uncivil behavior is.

I've been similarly sensitive/oversensitive recently about my ability to clearly communicate. I've been listening to some podcasts and I'm amazed at how articulate some of these speakers are on topics that I know a lot about, and yet I can't articulate as well. Believe it or not, I think my relationship with Challenger is affecting this too. He constantly wants to argue with me and debate and it makes me feel like an idiot, unable to articulate. To add to this, my mother had a very similar (actually much worse) dynamic with my older brother, and I HATED watching them debate because my brother went for the jugular and my mom would flounder terribly. I swore I would never engage like that with my own kids. I actually feel I do my best to avoid such engagement, but dear Challenger is PERSISTENT in his search for a fight.

Combining the above issue with another issue - my mom's declining cognition - has me very scared about my own mind. I often mix up words and get confused like she did at my age, and I feel this horrible fatalism that I am just like her that and can't fix it, and yet simultaneously feel that it is a character flaw for not fixing it. Obviously those things can't both be true, and yet I manage to beat myself up from both sides of this argument.

If you are still with me on this ramble, what I think this has done is erode my confidence about how well I can articulate ideas and explain things in my videos as a teacher! A weird spill-over and erosion of confidence, but there you have it.

Then I read this in The Daily Stoic for yesterday:

"The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters .......... that are not under my control, and which I ..... actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own." - Epictetus

A lot to think on.

Soprano · Post by **Soprano** » Sun Jan 03, 2021 8:35 am

Hi Auto, yes we live on the very outskirts of Manchester. We are lucky 20 mins drive to city centre or 10 mins to Cheshire countryside. We have the best of both worlds, great transport links and shopping but lovely parks and open spaces.

Congratulations on finishing the videos. Your communication skills are fine. It's natural for kids to want to argue, it's how they learn and gain perspective. A simple comment you make now may not receive much acknowledgement but it will go in and impact future thoughts.

Jx

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sun Jan 03, 2021 3:20 pm

Thanks, Soprano. I did tell Challenger yesterday afternoon that what he had said was hurtful. He took it quite well, actually apologized, and explained that he had been in a bad mood. I thought that was a fairly good, non-defensive response from him. As you point out, he's 15 and learning.

Sunday, January 3

131

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: rib steak & cheesy broccoli, a few tortilla chips
0 glasses of wine
Used: clementine, decaf coffee w/ milk for cravings

Moving
Nothing particular planned today, but maybe I'll aim for some push-ups. Upon reflection, I may have hiked 12 miles yesterday! Ended up going on a walk with HappyHerder

alene1 · Post by **alene1** » Sun Jan 03, 2021 4:12 pm

Auto, my teenage son was not good for my self-confidence either! I remember feeling the same way many, many times when communicating with my son. It was really hard during those years from 14/15 to 18. You are one of my most articulate people I know!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Jan 04, 2021 4:36 pm

Thank you Alene, for the kind words and also for sharing that you had this feeling sometimes, too. It helps so much to not feel alone.

Monday, January 4

129.6

Eating
B: coffee w/cream, clementine
L: yogurt w/berries
D: spaghetti (sans noodles - what do you even call that?) & caesar salad, 1 cookie - shoot update 4 cookies

Again - where did that fail come from? I was feeling great. I think I need to be more mindful of these random temptations.
0 glasses of wine

Moving
Shortish walk/jog planned once I finish my video on ischemic stroke

My New Year's Resolution is to make dinner for the family Monday - Thursday nights.

pinkhippie · Post by **pinkhippie** » Mon Jan 04, 2021 5:23 pm

That would have hurt my feelings too! I do well remember the early teen years though. I agree with everyone else that this is a very natural time of arguing and challenging parent times. My almost 18-year-old has actually apologized now for how she was when she was 14 and 15 as she recognizes that she wasn't the nicest person to be around during that time. LOTS of arguing and challenging. I also mix up words and forget things but I attribute it to stress. I have noticed that when I am stressed or overwhelmed I forget words a lot.

I am glad you were able to communicate with Challenger and that he gave you a good thoughtful non-defensive response! That sounds like amazing communication to me.