Sammy's Daily Check In

[Amy3010]

Ugh, that is so annoying - I hope you feel better and get your sense of taste back soon!

[Sinnie]

I hope you have a quick recovery. I applaud you if you can manage three meals, but definitely right now it’s okay if you can’t!

[WINhappy]

Hi Sammy, I hope you're feeling better! Treat yourself kindly, take things slow, and remember that your body is fighting as hard as it can to recover. I am sending you best wishes, through this magic we call the internet. WINhappy

[Sammybunny711]

Thank you guys for all the encouragement. Today is my first day back at work, but I've had to wear a mask all day and it has been really hard to breathe. I have to wear a mask at home, too, so I'm just dying for air all the time.

In other news, at my doctor checkup yesterday, they weighed me. And my head about fell off. I weighed in at 224.6 lbs, or 101.88 kgs. I. Was. HORRIFIED. But instead of getting upset and crying about it, I felt a determination I have never felt before. Before I could do anything desperate or stupid, I made an emergency appt with my dietitian and we talked everything out. We have decided that for me, tracking makes the most sense. I'm a person who loves data and being able to see myself meet numerical goals. So for now, I'm tracking every day and aiming for under 1800 calories. Now, as a 5' 4" person, that's not going to take me very far, I will HAVE to reduce my calories over time, but at least I know it's not in a surplus. I see my dietitian again on Monday. I cannot allow my weight to get any higher. I am 2 points on the BMI away from morbid obesity. I literally need to lose 100 pounds. That is insanity. I cannot believe how far I've gone off road these past six years since I developed binge eating disorder.

I am also doing DBT therapy with my therapist for my eating disorder recovery. I WILL succeed. My only other choice is diabetes, heart disease, and metabolic disease. I cannot live with that. So I must change. It's my only option.

[Sammybunny711]

Also, I am EXHAUSTED from the covid, so I haven't checked on everyone else's posts lately. I will try to catch up soon. Hoping y'all are all doing well.

[Sammybunny711]

Aaaand after 2 days of tracking calories over 1800...I'm reminded why I can't do this longterm. When I last calorie counted seriously for 3 months straight and was VERY consistent, I then went nuts and gained thirty pounds. I think I panicked when I saw that number on the scale. I am reminded why my dietitian doesn't have me weigh myself anymore. All it does is freak me out. However, I KNOW people lose weight eating three meals a day. I've got to keep staying the course. Keep working on healing my relationship with food. I meet with K (my dietitian) on Monday and I will tell her that I am STILL deeply committed to the 3 meal structure and I'm not going to trade in something that has the potential to really heal me for something that will slowly drive me insane, likely lead me to snap, and then gain even more weight than I weigh now.

Sorry I went mildly crazy there for a few minutes. I'm in the 3 meals for the long haul.

Thank you to everyone for your encouragement about covid. I can't WAIT for my sense of smell to come back. I can't smell a THING.

[Ellis]

I hope you will get your sense of smell and taste back soon, Sammy! That's what I hated about covid too. It makes you feel so miserable. I am sorry to hear the doctors checkup was such a bad experience. I am glad you will stop counting the calories, it's so not sustainable. It made me obsessive too. Hang in there, you are doing the best you can!

[Sammybunny711]

I hope you will get your sense of smell and taste back soon, Sammy! That's what I hated about covid too. It makes you feel so miserable. I am sorry to hear the doctors checkup was such a bad experience. I am glad you will stop counting the calories, it's so not sustainable. It made me obsessive too. Hang in there, you are doing the best you can!

Thank you so much, Ellis. I have definitely been so miserable. We're at Disney on Ice today and I have to wear a mask. And you're right. I talked to my dietitian and she agreed I was being impatient and freaking out in wanting to count the calories. I'm so thankful for her. And for you guys!!!

[Sammybunny711]

B: 8:20am - overnight oats and blueberries + sugar free chocolate chips. (I ate about 75% of these)

S: 10:10am - spicy chicken biscuit + chicken mini + 1 nugget (Chick-fil-a with my family)

Event: My husband, daughter, mother-in-law and I all went to see Disney on Ice. It was so much fun! If I had known we were going to CFA, I wouldn't have had the overnight oats. Oh well.

L: 2:35pm - bowl of bison chili with beans, cheddar cheese shreds, red onion and French fries with garlic aoli

[Ellis]

Disney on Ice sounds like so much fun! I’ve never tried Chick-fil-A before, but it’s fascinating to see how many food options there are in the US. Mr. Ellis watches American sports channels, and I actually enjoy watching the ads in between. Like, fast food, fast food, Ozempic, fast food.. more meds.

[Soprano]

Hope you soon recover fully from COVID.

So sorry you had the shock re your weight. I agree sticking to the 3 meals is the sensible way forward for you.

I have had a difficult journey with food my whole life and it has taken a lot of work to get to where I am now. You will get there!

I read a lot of different books that helped my journey.

A book that opened my eyes was the fat fallacy by Dr Will Clower.

It will fit well with Nos if you are inclined to read it.

Jx

[Sammybunny711]

Disney on Ice sounds like so much fun! I’ve never tried Chick-fil-A before, but it’s fascinating to see how many food options there are in the US. Mr. Ellis watches American sports channels, and I actually enjoy watching the ads in between. Like, fast food, fast food, Ozempic, fast food.. more meds.

Haha yep, most of our commerials are drugs and food. It's super toxic.

[Sammybunny711]

Hope you soon recover fully from COVID.

So sorry you had the shock re your weight. I agree sticking to the 3 meals is the sensible way forward for you.

I have had a difficult journey with food my whole life and it has taken a lot of work to get to where I am now. You will get there!

I read a lot of different books that helped my journey.

A book that opened my eyes was the fat fallacy by Dr Will Clower.

It will fit well with Nos if you are inclined to read it.

Jx

It was definitely a shock to the system. Next time I go to the doctor, I'm going to weigh backwards so I can't see the number. Nothing good comes from me knowing how much I weigh. Ever.

[Sammybunny711]

S: 8:15am - 5 pieces dark chocolate

B: 9:15am - My five year old daughter and I made an apple coffee cake that we all ate as a family with coffee. It was delicious! I love cooking with my girl.

S: 12:39pm - 5 pieces dark chocolate

S: 1:00pm - bag of dill pickle chips

L: 2pm - a personal pepperoni pizza

S: apple chips, rice crisps, 6 PB crackers

D: drunken noodles with beef (made by my husband) + cornetto ice cream cone

S: 2 pieces of the apple coffee cake.

Today would have been an excessive S day if I were doing vanilla no s, but I'm not. So it was not a good day for me eating wise. I just ate and ate and ate. I'm so sad about my size right now. I've had to go up in size of clothes recently, which sucks. It makes me feel hopeless and like I'll be fat forever, so I might as well eat what I want, when I want. I know this isn't a helpful thought, but I do think it. I grazed all day. This is why I can't allow myself to snack. When I snack, bad things happen.

I think I'm going to try a mod: no sweets, seconds on N days. And on S days, sweets must be eaten with a meal, so I preserve my 3 Meals structure. I hope it helps! I feel like today was insane.

[Amy3010]

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling, Sammy...it sucks to feel so hopeless about being able to make progress. I have been there and I understand.

But it sounds like you gained some important information yesterday, and confirmation that the 3 meal structure is actually really helpful for you. Don't give up! This is all moving you forward even though it doesn't always feel like it.

[Sammybunny711]

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling, Sammy...it sucks to feel so hopeless about being able to make progress. I have been there and I understand.

But it sounds like you gained some important information yesterday, and confirmation that the 3 meal structure is actually really helpful for you. Don't give up! This is all moving you forward even though it doesn't always feel like it.

Thank you for the encouragement, Amy! I am so sick and tired of being fat, but my meals are definitely still too large. I need to get them down to a plate and a bowl plus maybe a fruit.

[Sammybunny711]

I spoke with my dietitian yesterday and we're going to continue with my three meals plus one optional snack plan. We're still striving for balanced plates and a dessert with every meal to avoid bingeing. In October, I'm going to track 4 things: 3 meals days, 3 meals + 1 snack days, 3 meals + 2 snacks days, and binges. I'm going to see how my eating looks in stark Xs. I've got to keep committing fully to recovery. And when I get knocked down by a bad eating decision or day, I am going to get right back up and keep swinging.

[Sammybunny711]

B: overnight oats with blueberries and mini chocolate chips

L: 1/2 a buffalo bacon chicken wrap + sour cream and onion pringles + small bag dried apple chips + 2 reese's cups + diet soda

PS*: apple slices, bag of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, most of the second 1/2 of the buffalo wrap, mini bag gushers candy

D: 1/3 a Zaxby's Asian salad + veggie egg roll

*(ps - preplanned snack)

As part of my eating disorder recovery, I am reading "The DBT Solution for Emotional Eating" and man, it is blowing my mind! It is so good. I'm glad my therapist recommended it.

[WINhappy]

Keep working at it, Sammy, you'll get there. We're rooting for you. Best regards, WINhappy

[Sammybunny711]

Keep working at it, Sammy, you'll get there. We're rooting for you. Best regards, WINhappy

Thank you for the encouragement, WIN!!

[Sammybunny711]

I am SO proud of yesterday. I know I'm still eating large portions, but our whole goal right now is to NOT BINGE and to NOT GO BACK TO DIETING. So it's okay. I've got to loosen up some if I'm going to recover. I can work on reducing portion size once I've got the habit down.

October 1

Waist: 45"

B: 9:30am (Work): 2 sausage, egg, and cheese burritos with hot picante sauce + hashbrown + small mocha frappe

L: 1:20pm (Work): overnight oats with blueberries + mini chocolate chips + mini bag cheezits (White cheddar) + mini bag dried apple chips (no sugar added) + a few bites rice crisps (bbq)

S: 3:20pm (Work): envy apple + 6 pieces peanut butter malt crackers + mini bag cheezits

D: 5:30pm (Home): Protein shake + pickles + cheezits + bell peppers

S: 7:00pm (Out with friends) - mint chocolate chip ice cream waffle cone

[Amy3010]

So great to end a day feeling proud of how you did! This is definitely a work in progress - you got this!

[WINhappy]

Sammy, your two goals seem spot on and you're absolutely correct in that you can refine later. Keep up the great work! Best regards, WIN