Sammy's Daily Check In

[Sammybunny711]

S DAY

W: 229 (still hovering)

B: Atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: Steak n Shake Frisco Melt with cheese fries (so bad for me, but we have so much stress right now I don't care)

S: a little rice krispee treat and a packet of dried apple chips (no sugar added)

D: half a bowl of cheese tortellini with red sauce and shaved parmesan + red pepper flakes + 1 apple + 1 garlic knot + a shot of creamed spinach (Which I loathe, but I was trying to set a good example, lol)

A: 1 serving Honey Whiskey

This morning, we're heading to the house we're trying to buy to meet a painter, our contractor, and a hardscaper yo figure out estimates for all the work that must be done. I'm nervous as hell. I'm so scared it's all going to cost too much for us to take it on.

All the house stuff was...a LOT. We were there for HOURS going over all that needed to be done with a contractor, a painter, and a hardscaper (sounds like the set up for a joke). We're starting to think this might be too much to take on, but we'll have to see what the estimates are and also what the seller is willing to do price-wise. If we can get her down low enough, this could still work out.

We are putting our own house up for sale on Monday and that is WILD. There is a world in which this house sells and we're not in our next house yet. Thankfully, my mother in law with early-onset Alzheimer's is not living in her house anymore and we haven't sold hers yet. So worst comes to worst, we can live in her house for a bit, but it's in another city, so it would create a huge commute for us until we could get into the next house.

SO MUCH STRESS. And also...still family horribleness going on and work stuff heating up with spring semester rocketing toward graduation weekend (Which means I have lots of events to put on). I am...trying to listen to Disney music and just zone out right now.

[pinkhippie]

You have so much going on right now! I hope things calm down for you soon. I feel much the same as you, like Im not really ok, but I have to keep on going as there is no alternative.

I hope you were able to enjoy your S day and that the estimates were in your price range!

Do you get Spring Break? At my community college next week is Spring Break and everything calms down for a week.

[Sammybunny711]

Thanks, Pink. At my college where I work, only students and faculty get spring break, and it was a couple of weeks ago. But it was nice to have my building to myself then, haha. I wish I could take a solid month off work. But I can't. I'm sorry you feel like you're not okay. I DO understand and I empathize. I hope for everyone who's struggling, life calms down a bit.

So with the estimates, we won't get them until Wednesday most likely. Then we'll need to seriously look at a cost reduction on this place because it needs a TON of work. Like, a TON. It's a historic house built in the 1930s and the owner has done nothing to fix problems. Just slapped bandaid fixes on things. So... We have to make sure we cna afford to take it on, lol. Not an easy decision.

[Sammybunny711]

S DAY

W: 229.4

B/S: from scratch blueberry pancakes (3) + sugar free syrup

L/S: from scratch blueberry pancakes (3) + sugar free syrup + most of a banana

A: Seagrams Escapes drink (a single can)

S: A tiny amount of cookies and cream ice cream with my daughter

D/S: (I had seconds) 2 beef empanadas that my husband cooked, medium hot salsa + corn chips + spicy pickled okra + a bit of guacamole

S: air popped popcorn with flavoring oil with my husband while we watched an Akira Kurosawa film

Today, I'm feeling weak. I am exhausted. I am so tired. I wish I could follow intuitive and mindful Eating to lose my weight. But I know my boundaries around food are solid and necessary. I'm just feeling weak today and that's okay. Today, I don't have to like it. I just have to do it.

I am so tempted to go back to the Geneen Roth eating guidelines today. But I honestly think it's just that I want to EAT. I don't feel satisfied today. I want to eat everything in sight.

I ended up eating a whole lot today, but I didn't break rules and it feels good to be able to say that. Definitely had more Ses than usual, but I am happy with my choices and I know some days, you're just hungrier than others.

[Amy3010]

Well done on sticking to what you know you need to do, even if you really didn't feel like it!

[Sammybunny711]

F DAY

W: 229.2

B: Atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: Chicago Dog Bowl: 2 beef hot dogs + white onion + pepperoncini peppers + bell peppers + pickles + relish + air fried potatoes + celery salt

Afternoon Snack: dill pickle chips, dill pickles, 1 beef stick

D: apple, spicy pickled okra, 1 beef empanada, salsa, some corn chips

Tentatively, we are putting our current home up for sale today. I'm so impatient, I just want to get it going. No word yet. Ahhhhhh. Yesterday was a more restful day and I'm so thankful. Today, I've tried to get some work done, but I am BEAT still. I'm so tired.

I have definitively changed my goal weight to 140. After scouring photos of myself at that weight, good enough is GOOD ENOUGH. I don't have to weigh what I weighed when we got married (125) to be successful with my weight loss journey. Getting down to 140 would STILL be a weight loss of 102.4 pounds which is THOROUGHLY difficult enough in its own right. I am not going to give up. I'm going to start being MUCH stricter about my meals at home. They should be down to 1 plate or 1 bowl + a bowl of veggies/fruit. I've been lax on that requirement for sure.

So tired. OMG. I just want to go home and do nothing. But daughter has gymnastics tonight. At least during gymnastics, I have an hour to sit and do whatever I want.

I've been dealing with binge urges for three days, so I reached out to my dietitian for help. She recommended I allow an afternoon snack on days I'm experiencing lots of binge urges and food noise. I agreed with her, so my new food boundaries look like this:

1) N Days - I eat 3 meals + 1 snack if needed
2) S Days - I can enjoy S treats as long as I'm with family or friends
3) I can only eat fast food if I'm with at least 1 other adult
4) At home, I eat according to the Healthy Plate

So really the only thing that changed was what N days look like. This is a hard rule for me to shift, because I want so desperately to lose weight. But shutting up food noise and being sane around food is ALWAYS my top priority. So I'm going to go for this and report to my dietitian on April 6th how it's going.

Sure enough, the afternoon snack (which included a food I was craving) did shut up the food noise and the binge urge. My dietitian knows her stuff. I'm going to work hard at food sanity. There's an old 12 Stepper saying: Focus on your recovery and you'll lose the weight. Focuse on the weight and you'll lose your recovery. I'm not strictly in OA anymore, but those folks do know their stuff sometimes.

My ULTIMATE goal with eating is to eventually get to where I am following my OWN rules and my OWN inner body cues. I want to follow hunger/fullness cues and eat intuitively. But! I know that's the Advanced Course. I'm in the preliminary courses right now and I know that's going to take time, but that is my ultimate graduate level goal with eating and food.

[Amy3010]

I think that is where we all want to end up eventually - not having to think about all of this so much and be able to trust our own body's wisdom...

[Sammybunny711]

I think that is where we all want to end up eventually - not having to think about all of this so much and be able to trust our own body's wisdom...

Yes!! This exactly. I don't want to have "systems" forever.

[Sammybunny711]

N DAY

W: 230.4

Arg. I have basically just maintained all of March and that is a bummer. I'm happy I'm not actively gaining weight, but it's still hard.

B: Atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: fish sticks + hot sauce + sour cream and onion Pringles + apple + spicy pickled okra. (definitely a large comfort meal, but I don't care. See reasons below)

D: beef empanada + salsa and a few chips + apple + pickled okra + dried apple chips

I am feeling very nervous about the addition of an afternoon snack. But I do trust my dietitian more than I trust myself and she has my very best interests at heart. Plus she's amazing and we've been working together for a long time. I did some research: an afternoon snack can help with hunger and make it so that you eat less at dinner. It is also helpful to pack in more nutrition into your day. I'm going to give it an earnest try and see how it goes.

I am feeling HORRIBLE about having that snack yesterday. I feel like I caved in to the binge pressures. Even though it wasn't a binge and even though my dietitian said it was alright, I feel like I broke my boundaries. I don't feel good about it. I feel terrible. But I can't decide if snubbing the afternoon snack is orthorexic, or just discipline. I feel very confused and unsure about what to do. I want to be a normal eater and I know even normal eaters have snacks. But I am just...deflated today. My stress is maxed out today and I am feeling so beaten down by life that I'm not sure what to do about my food boundaries.

I stuck to my boundaries all through February and early March when stress was also at an all-time high. Maybe yesterday I was just weak? Maybe I should just mark it red and move on and continue with my original food boundaries? I texted my therapist about this. We'll see what she says. I feel like I am a horrible boundary breaker. UGH.

Around 10:05am this morning, we had MORE parent drama happen and I ended up sobbing while on the phone with my husband while trying to hide form coworkers. THEN my boss still caught me crying. I couldn't take it anymore. I left work and took the rest of the day off.

It's MORE stress on top of an already excruciatingly difficult time in our life and I am having a REALLY hard day. I feel like some witch has hexed us.

I was able to quickly chat with my therapist about the snack yesterday and she pointed out that it didn't make me feel good emotionally and that I can just gently pivot right back onto my original food boundaries. So I have. I can't be f*cking myself up emotionally right now, so I'm clinging to my original food boundaries today. And it's helping bring some calm into the midst of this heavy, difficult, emotional parent crisis that just keeps getting worse and worse.

My husband is so sweet. He doesn't bring me flowers. When I'm sad? He brings me a balloon. I LOVE balloons. So when he and my daughter came home, she brought me a balloon. Then my husband and I snuggled and took a nap. I'm starting to feel better. I'm so grateful for my little family.

[WINhappy]

Hi sammy - Two things (at least to start! ) I completely understand how hard it is to feel proud that you've "just" maintained in March. AND wow, you maintained in March! That's fantastic! You've been under so much stress, kept soldiering on, and STILL kept focus on your goals and health, even to the point of discussing options with your dietician and implementing a change. That is FANTASTIC! I can sense the weight of all the stress you've been under in your posts. You are doing an AMAZING job with life in general. Keeping your head above water for the time being is a completely worthy goal and a huge achievement. Priority number one is to maintain your physical health and avoid burning out completely from stress. Additional weight loss can and WILL happen in time, especially since you're doing so well managing your habits. Keep posting here so we can keep rooting for you. All the best, WIN

[Sammybunny711]

Hi sammy - Two things (at least to start! ) I completely understand how hard it is to feel proud that you've "just" maintained in March. AND wow, you maintained in March! That's fantastic! You've been under so much stress, kept soldiering on, and STILL kept focus on your goals and health, even to the point of discussing options with your dietician and implementing a change. That is FANTASTIC! I can sense the weight of all the stress you've been under in your posts. You are doing an AMAZING job with life in general. Keeping your head above water for the time being is a completely worthy goal and a huge achievement. Priority number one is to maintain your physical health and avoid burning out completely from stress. Additional weight loss can and WILL happen in time, especially since you're doing so well managing your habits. Keep posting here so we can keep rooting for you. All the best, WIN

Thank you SO much for this encouragement, WIN. I definitely needed some today. My husband and I are so stressed that we're basically perpetually frustrated and prickly with each other right now, so I was drowning in a need for some kind words this morning. I appreciate it so much!! And you're right. I have kept fighting and soldiering on despite some insane life stress. And I know things are going to improve with time. It's just hard right now and it's okay to be sad that things are hard. But I know I'm doing great with my habits and that is definitely something to be proud of!!

[Soprano]

Sammy you are doing brilliantly!

Maintenance is nothing to be miserable about. It will stand you in good stead for the future.

Don't ever think about the fact you've failed. You haven't, you can't fail, it's a journey to better habits and you need to learn from each situation.

There is a lot of advice I'd like to give you but you have someone who knows you so much better doing that. If she advocates for having a snack then do it.

Just remember you might not need a snack every day and it's ok not to have one too. Just don't have a mental fight with yourself over it.

You have so much stress at present you need to give yourself a break sometimes.

Jx

Rooting for you!!

Jx

[Sammybunny711]

Thank you, Soprano!!! I chatted owth my therapist too and she pointed out that I didn't feel good about having had the snack, so pivoting right back to my original food boundaries was perfectly okay and understandable. Thank you for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

[Amy3010]

I'm with Win and Soprano here: you have been doing an amazing job keeping your head above water with all the life stress you have been dealing with, and sticking to your food plan on top of everything - good job!!! Maintaining is in itself a victory, especially considering the circumstances. Keep on hanging in there, the way you sense your food boundaries as something that brings stability during a very trying time in your life is serving you well.

[Sammybunny711]

Thank you, Amy. I am certainly doing my best. I appreciate all of y'all's support!

[Sammybunny711]

W: 229.4

I'm functional today by the skin of my teeth. I'm exhausted. And my eyes hurt from all the sobbing yesterday. I am very much looking forward to the weekend and it isn't even close yet. I'm also looking forward to Friday. Because if I get to Friday, it means we're either past Due Diligence on this house and are moving forward, OR it means we are moving on and beginning to look for another house that will work for us. I just need to get past Thursday at midnight.

The bids for all the work on the house are coming in and it's going to be a LOT. We're still waiting on one more bid. I just hope they get it to us before lunch. I am SO ready to just KNOW how much the owner is willing to come down in price.

I wish I could take two solid days off to REST. My mind is exhausted. My emotions are exhausted. But I'm soldiering on, because there's no other choice.

Thank GOODNESS I have therapy today.

My therapist and I came to the conclusion that having an optional snack allotted into my day would only help me rather than hurt me (a snack is different from a binge, she pointed out). She and my dietitian are both in agreement. So moving forward, I'm going to allow an optional snack (if I want it I can have it, if I don't, I don't have to have it). SO that's what I'll do moving forward.

Well, we've put in the counter offer to the owner of the house after seeing all the bids for the work that needs to be done. I'm nervous as all hell right now waiting to hear back. I HATE how attached I get to dreams and ideas. I wish I hadn't gotten attached in case we need to pull out.

[Amy3010]

Fingers crossed for midnight tonight!

[Sammybunny711]

Fingers crossed for midnight tonight!

Fingers crossed!! She's thinking about our final offer (give or take). I hope we'll hear back this morning. Thank y'all for all your support in my stress!

[Sammybunny711]

W: 228.8

Last day of due diligence today. I'm on pins and needles and super anxious. I can't wait to hear back from the owner and hopefully get everything either nailed down, or jump ship.

SHE SIGNED. WE'RE OFFICIAL BUYING THE HOUSE> AHHHHHHHHHHHH

I wish we could have celebrated tonight. But instead we've all been stressed tot he max. When I got to work after lunch, I had been voluntold that I would be working a third event the week of graduation. That means I will have three events in three days the week of graduation and that SUCKS. It's already a crazy stressful week, but to trust another event into that week literally made me cry in reaction. And now we're moving right smack in the middle of all that work insanity.

I'm ending the night so stressed out. Not just about this stuff, but TONS of other stuff I haven't shared. We are under so much stress that it's honestly laughable. I just want to go to sleep and cry.

[Amy3010]

I'm sorry for all the stress you have had to deal with, but congratulations nonetheless on the house!

[Soprano]

Congratulations on the house.

Deep breaths you've got this, just tackle one thing at a time and move on to the next but take just 5 mins occasionally to zone out and reset.


Jx

[Sammybunny711]

Thank you guys for the encrouagement. I really am excited about the house and I hit the ground running today coordinating the work that has to be done on it, which made me feel like I'm starting out the day with some wins under my belt.

[Sammybunny711]

F DAY

W: 229.2

B: Atkins Shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: Chickfila spicy chicken sandwich + waffle fries + 1.75 containers of Polynesian sauce

BINGE: 1 pack of 6 peanut butter crackers, 2 bags of chips (individual size), a few bites of a fig bar, half a cookie, more chips, chocolate, dear lord...what have I done???

D: homemade hamburger helper (a small bit) + a small bit of bell pepper + a small bit of apple

Snack: bowl of chocolate moose tracks ice cream.

UDPATE: I am done with the afternoon snack. It took all of 1 day for me to begin using it as an excuse to primarily eat junk and eat too much of it. As hard as it might be with hunger sometimes, I know the afternoon snack is NOT for me. I abuse it. Every time. So I am going right back to my original food boundaries. I did NOT like how I felt. How confused about how to do it right. How often I thought about calories and then overshot what I wanted to adhere to. I hated HATED how the afternoon snack issue felt, so I'm cutting it out altogether (Except on S days). I feel RELIEF that I'm not doing snacks on N Days. Getting back to my normal eating boundaries makes me feel happy and settled. Which is NICE in the midst of all this stress we've got going on.

UPDATE UPDATE: Ugh. I'm struggling SO much wanting the snack. It's like I opened the door and now it's super hard to close that door. I also had two professionals tell me to include the snack and I am freaking out about it. UGH. But I don't WANT to snack on healthy stuff. I want to snack on UNHEALTHY stuff. I don't know what to do. I am thinking about this constantly. The food noise is SO intense this afternoon.

I caved. I feel so screwed up about this afternoon snack thing. SO messed up. I will have a lot to talk about with my dietitian on Monday.

F*ck. Another red day. Sh*t. I feel horrible about myself. I caved. I didn't HAVE to cave. What is wrong with meeeeee?

I am so angry with myself. But at the same time, I just want to eat MORE.

Been working all morning on coordinating work to be done on the house we're buying. It's like 5 different contractors. It's a LOT. But so far so good on scheduling.

7:35pm - This has been a very hard week and a hard day. I have been SWAMPED with work this week, swamped with house stuff, and swamped with family things (still a ton of stress in our extended family). It's honestly been too much. And I have cried more this week than I have in ages. It's probably inevitable that I struggled with my food boundaries. And I'm going to count this as what I hope will be the last binge.

Tomorrow, it's back to business as usual. I am 100% nixxing N day snacks. I just can't handle it. I end up bingeing almost every time. I just can't do it properly. It's easier not to do it at all (unless it's an S day and I'm eating with others as something special).

I am terrified what the scale will show tomorrow but it is what it is. And I will meet it and do my best this weekend. I hate losing my green/yellow streak. But there is no more starting over. Just gently getting back on the path.

[Dandelion]

I've been catching up on your thread - congratulations on the house!

We bought our current house in 2020. Moved in - then almost immediately locked down. But I well remember the feeling of overwhelm - at time I could barely breathe.

I'm kinda with you on the afternoon snack thing. I feel like I almost need something, but no matter what I choose, it ends up feeling kinda ick.

[Sammybunny711]

It is such a stressful process. It's really wild. And hard. But we're going to get through it!!

The snacking is SUCH a problem for me. I can excuse anything as a snack which is why it's BAD NEWS for me, haha. And now I'm sitting here in the office where a ton of snacks are a few feet away. I have to keep looking away.

[Sammybunny711]

W :229.4

The world feels a bit brighter today. We're going to make it through this difficult time.

But I can't get it together with food. I feel so out of control again. The last time this happened was after a four month stint of calorie tracking and I gained 50 pounds (this happened last year!)

I may have to rethink my approach here. When I work with my dietitian on Monday. I'm so frustrated. I wish food were easy. It sucks we all struggle like we do.

[Soprano]

Hang on in there you are doing brilliantly.


Jx

[Ellis]

Hey Leah, congratulations on your house! That’s such great news!
I’m sorry to hear that your binges have gotten so intense and that your dietitian’s plan with the snack didn’t work for you. I have to admit, I can’t do that either. It’s so hard to find that balance. But despite all the setbacks and stress lately, you’ve kept it up so well — you should really be proud of yourself!

[Amy3010]

I wish food were easy, too! Thank goodness we have this space to encourage and support each other.

I hope you feel less discouraged the coming days and that your dietician can give you some helpful insights in moving forward. Whenever I feel that sense of discouragement, I ask myself what the alternatives are and that helps me to remember my reasons for doing this, even when it feels hard and pointless. Hang in there!

[Sammybunny711]

Thank you guys for your encouragement and kindness!! I really appreciate it. I love this little space and hope we can keep it going for years to come!!

[Sammybunny711]

Weight was up today. And I felt that familiar despair and helplessness / hopelessness flooding in about food. I have NO idea how to force myself to get back on my boundaries I MUST. My therapist wants me to join OA again, but NY dietitian hates OA. I genuinely don't know what to do. I'm glad I see my dietitian tomorrow. I'll keep y'all posted.

F DAY

W: 231.4 (WAY up today)

B: atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: Chicken Tikka Masala + garlic naan bread + rice

Failure: apple chips, granola bar, 6 peanut butter crackers, tiny bowl full of chocolate chips (eaten alone and in secret -- VERY bad habit I am terrified to see come back)

D: Homemade pomodoro pasta + parmesan cheese + red pepper flakes + 1 garlic knot + yellow bell pepper

I am angry with myself for this relapse. One day would have been a lapse. An entire week of red is a relapse. I've GOT to get myself back under control and get Food-Sober again. I think I let the stress be an excuse for overeating again. But I've also been dealing with extreme hunger all week. I'm not sure why. But it's been a potent, difficult mix. I'm so ready for N days this week.

[Sammybunny711]

F DAY

W: 231

B: Atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

Binge: tons of chips, tons of chocolate and candy, rice krispee treat
----------------------------------------------------------
(Drawing a line under it and MOVING ON. Getting Food-sober again right away)

L: peanut butter and jelly sandwich + apple + yellow bell pepper + dried apple chips

D: 2 slices pizza + 2 cheezie bread pieces + red bell pepper + apple + spicy pickled okra

I am so damned ashamed of myself. I binged. Again this morning. It's so infuriating. I was doing so so well until those binge urges of 2 weekends ago and then I gave in on Monday to the snacking/bingeing urge. I had 1 green day last week and the rest were red. I'm so angry with myself for sabotaging my successful food boundaries.

I am chatting with my dietitian today and I hope she can give me some tips for what to do.

In good news department, the VERY FIRST people to look at our current home offered full price and we are no in due diligence for them. It's crazy how well this stuff is going with our current home. We are incredibly grateful. But it does put us on a VERY strict timeline for moving and there is still a lot that must be done at our new house before we can physically move in. So TONS still on my plate on top of crazy extended family stuff (that just keeps getting harder and harder) and my massive amount of work to complete before the end of Spring Semester. Maybe that's why I've been bingeing. I'm so incredibly overwhelmed and stressed and maybe my brain is sending me these unbearable urges because that's what it's always done during times of stress?

To give y'all a clue about my family stuff, we had a close family member get arrested a few weeks ago and man. We just keep learning more and more difficult things about this person and I'm incredibly disappointed in them at BEST and terrified of what all they might have done at WORST. It's so intense and we are dealing with it as best we can.

I feel like I let you guys down by sabotaging myself with food. I know you guys were proud of me and were so encouraging. I'm ashamed I let you all down.

[Soprano]

Firstly you haven't let us down, or even yourself. You've had a very understandable set back.

If you get back to your routine in the next couple of days that weight gain will disappear.

Take it one meal at a time and if you are hungry eat a little more protein at each meal until it settles down.

If you have to eat in between meals because of hunger or stress choose protein. Have things ready to hand.

Congratulations on the offer on your house, fingers crossed

Sorry to hear about the relative, it must be a worry and shock but out of your hands so try and relax over it. Easier said than done I know.

Thinking of you

Jx

[Sammybunny711]

Thank you for the encouragement, Soprano. I really appreciate it.

[Amy3010]

You didn't let us down, quite the opposite - I really respect that fact that you post both when it goes well and when it doesn't and share all the ups and downs with us.

Soprano's tips are right on - hopefully you got some other helpful tips from your dietician.

Congratulations on the full offer for your house - although it does make the timing tighter for you. Fingers crossed all goes smoothly.

And so sorry to hear about your family member, what a shock to hear that. Of course your brain wants to revert back to what it knows has been comforting in the past. But you can take it day by day and work towards changing those circuits in your brain. Hang in there!

[Sammybunny711]

Thank you, Amy. I really appreciate it! You guys have been so encouraging while I've been struggling. I appreciate you guys so much!

[Sammybunny711]

N DAY

W: 230.6

B: Atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: Leftover pomodoro pasta + apple + bell pepper + spicy pickled okra + apple chips

D:

I am super super tired today. I felt like I could have slept until 2pm. I am so exhausted right now. But yesterday, after bingeing in the morning, I went on to have a normal day. It was super tough. But I finished out the day normally. Today, I'm so hungry right out of the gate. I am also emotional, stressed, and tired. Today I have to go to the new house and meet the flooring people so they can measure the hardwood flooring that needs to be refinished. We're also trying to get an earlier closing date so we can start the house projects sooner. We'll see how that goes.