I'm so upset

[gratefuldeb67]

I'm sure this will pass, but I had a very upsetting thing happen today.
I went to see my Son perform in a play this evening, and some old lady was sitting with my Mother, and at the intermission she came up to me and was trying to figure out who I was, as my Mother was talking to me about Richard's performance..
So this woman says, after I introduce myself as Richard's Mother "Wow you put on so much weight!!!" with a air of disbelief...
And then after seeing the expression on my face turn from pleasant to upset, she added "I remember you when you were a skinny little thing" so apparently she must have known me from elementary school or something..
I was so hurt by this, that I just excused myself and walked away and went to compose myself in the ladies room in a bathroom stall.. Then my Mom came in and tried to excuse her as having some kind of senility problem, but I just told her to leave me alone.
I know I am fat now, but I can't believe how clueless and tactless this woman's remark was.
I am still a bit sad about it.. It made me feel like shit.

This kind of thing has only happened once or twice in my life and I was totally unprepared for the emotions that would result from such a rude and hurtful comment.
I just had to vent here.
Thanks for listening all.


Debs

[Blithe Morning]

Aw Deb. I'm so sorry. Here are some zingers if this should ever happen again:

And you are a tactless boor. I am losing weight and will one day be thin, but sadly, you will still be a tactless boor.

(said with a smile and even tone of voice). Why, what a terribly rude thing to say. Have you no manners?

And you use to be so young looking!

I'm sure others here have good ones.

[gratefuldeb67]

Thanks Blithe Morning!! LOL
I enjoyed reading those.
Unfortunately I am not the kind of person who could muster up the "even coolness" to deliver them right, and probably would feel bad for saying them afterward anyway.
Love,
Debs x

[gratefuldeb67]

I should have said "Your wig seems to be off center" hahahah

[la_loser]

Debs,

I do feel your pain--except the one that stands out the most for me was from out of the mouths of babes (my son when he was a toddler and more recently his daughter. . .), when each of them patted my stomach and announced to everyone that I had a baby in there! Uh, no, it was just FAT! At least they weren't old enough to know better. I continue to be amazed at the audacity of people and what can fly out of their mouths!

As difficult as it to have heard some ridiculous nonsense, and I know full well that it's easier said than done. . . but please remember that you can't allow someone (senility or not) to have control of how you view yourself. You are a loving and capable and way talented woman who is raising a beautiful boy who seems to becoming quite the talented young man. (Yeah, I saw your MySpace page. . .)

You just can't take what she said and let her ruin your day or your holidays. I'm sensing a very distant memory from my college years when they taught us the IALAC mantra--I Am Loving And Capable!

Remember that you are loved, not only by your family and friends but by all of us who feel like we know you on these boards.

I work with/mentor educators (some in training, some veterans). Often someone is upset, feeling down, etc. because of something that someone else "did" to them or said and the discussion goes to "I just wish he'd learn that. . ." or "If only she understood that. . ." and we get some major positive vibes going and when we are done, I usually hand the teacher a little business card that has a little zinger on it. (different zingers for different situations). Seems as if this would sort of applies today, if you were to be thinking of what wish you could'a, should'a said to her because it would be fruitless to do so and as you said in your reply to Blithe Morning, you'd feel bad then anyway!

Never try to teach a pig to sing ---
It wastes your time
and frustrates the pig.

Now get in there to your mirror and repeat after me:

I am beautiful.
I am capable.
I am talented.
I am loved.
I have a beautiful son.
I am taking care of myself.
I deserve every good thing in life.
And I'm not going to waste my energy on this anymore.

Repeat as needed, as often as possible; you KNOW you believe it, you just need a jolt to remember it.

We're all here for you!

[connorcream]

I am so sorry. Your worth is infinite and never to be repeated. Try to focus on your many blessings.

[la_loser]

Conner Cream--your succinct comment is truly inspiring. . . from the one who is never succinct!

[Kathleen]

It does sound like early stage Alzheimer's.

[Blithe Morning]

Hah! I probably wouldn't have said anything either... unless I was feeling feisty. Then I probably would have commented it was a terribly rude thing to say.

The value of zingers is that they usually make me laugh and realize just how outrageous the other person was.

[BrightAngel]

Similiar things have happend to me in my lifetime.
On more than one occasion people congratulated me on my pregnancy,
when I wasn't pregnant.
Some people made deliberately unkind remarks, others were just tactless.

I spent a lot of time thinking about these occasions,
and it occurred to me that if these people had commented
on my height, or the color of my eyes or hair,
or on any of my personal characteristics that I accepted and liked about myself,
the comment would not have upset me.
My inner thought reaction would have been something like:...
...."yes, my eyes are brown...and isn't it interesting,
and odd, that you felt it necessary to comment on that fact????"

However, when people commented about my weight,
they were calling my attention to something I didn't like about myself,
something that I didn't Accept as my Truth.
It wasn't really the comment (even if deliberately unkind) that hurt me.
My inner thought reaction of guilt and shame and lack of self-acceptance
of my Truth is what caused my pain.

Somewhere, sometime in the high 200 lb range, I learned to understand this,
and somehow, that greatly reduced the pain of such comments.
I was able to get to the point where my inner thought reaction became:
..."yes, I am really fat...and isn't it interesting,
and odd, that you felt it necessary to comment on that fact????"

I was still fat for a long time after this understanding came.
Self-acceptance of my fat didn't mean I liked it, or wanted to stay fat.
However, it did change my focus from my "inadequacy"
to wonder and curiousity about the inadequacy of another,
of someone who felt it necessary to make a socially unacceptable comment about the obvious.
My inner thought reaction changed to: "I wonder what is his/her problem with fat,
and why he/she felt a comment about it was appropriate or necessary?"

[Debnightowl]

Aw Deb. Don't take it to heart. My mom has dementia caused from multiple strokes and that sounds like something she would say to someone, and she used to be such a tactful person. In fact, during one of her hospital stays, she mentioned something to one of the nurses about the "baby on the way" and the nurse was most definitely not pregnant. I know it hurts when someone says something like that, and I keep waiting for someone to say something like that to me too.

[gratefuldeb67]

Thank you so much friends! Your posts are all wonderfully supportive and really made me feel so nice!!
Love
Debs x

[3aday]

Some people can be outspoken and don't realize the harm they can produce.
Also, some people are real schlemiels for saying stuff like that too! Just know, that you are beautiful and we love ya!
One time, in a 2 month period, I was congratulated on my pregnancy 14 times!

[Happy Cooker]

Ditto on the suspected dementia; my husband took care of a man with dementia, and that is exactly the sort of thing this guy would say.

Steel yourself for attacks on the way down the scale, though: Tactless people do walk our streets. I lost a modest amount of weight in my 20s, maybe 10 pounds, and a neighbor I didn't see often came up to me and said, "Wow, you lost a TON of weight!" Hmm, I thought, that must be why people hide from you when they see you coming. This type of comment usually indicates that they judge themselves harshly and struggle with their own weight. I'm no good at snappy comebacks, but promptly turning your back is one way to get the message across--and it's less messy than spitting in the person's face.

[wosnes]

Well, that was a rude and tactless thing to say!

Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

The truth is, no one can make you feel anything without your consent. If something like that happens, one should think "what a rude old goat you are!!" Reflect it back to the person -- not on yourself. The reason you're feeling angry and bad is because you bought into it instead of saying "no thanks."

There's a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The Second Agreement applies here:

Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

http://www.miguelruiz.com/index.php?opt ... s&Itemid=7

[gratefuldeb67]

Thanks again friends!!
Apparently, after speaking with my Mother this morning, I found out that *she* told the lady how hurtful it was for her to say that, and that it wasn't even one of her friends.. Just happened they were sitting together.. According to Mom, she used to say stuff like that all the time about all people and is just a rude lady.. Not dementia.. Just a jerk.
LOL

I was really glad to hear that Mom stuck up for me while I walked away.. That was actually surprising to me, because we aren't very close in the last few years and have a bit of a rough relationship.
She only told me that she had done so when I brought it up this morning.
So I was assuming, wrongly, that she didn't say anything to that lady at the time, and that wrong assumption only made me feel worse at the time..
Was very nice to hear she did stick up for me, like a Mom should

I'm glad to have such nice pals here! Thanks a million everyone for your kind comments!
Debs x

[gratefuldeb67]

ps.. Wosnes.. I love the four agreements. Putting them into practice is the hard part!
But yes, great rules to live by!
Debs x

[winnie96]

Deb -- eek! What a dreadful thing to happen, but it sounds like you are rebounding very well with a good sense of humor and self-worth! It was great of you to share that unpleasant experience, since I'm sure so many of us have had similar, and it's good to keep on top of strategies for dealing with things like that.

And Wosnes, thanks for the reference to the "The Four Agreements", and how the 2nd rule applies here. I had read the book, but kind of forgotten about it, and about applying it to real life. Your post was a great reminder!

[wosnes]

And Wosnes, thanks for the reference to the "The Four Agreements", and how the 2nd rule applies here. I had read the book, but kind of forgotten about it, and about applying it to real life. Your post was a great reminder!

I've read the book and found a lot of it too New Agey for me, but I try to keep the basic agreements in mind. It's amazing how well they work!

[gratefuldeb67]

Thanks again Winnie!
Have a nice week everyone.. I really appreciate being able to share and it really did help.
Love
Debs x

[resting52]

Hey Deb,

I'm just betting you have more friends on-line and in person on any given day than this mean old lady has had her entire life.

How pitiful to have age but not wisdom or kindness. What a sad existence.

So glad you are here!

Resting

[gratefuldeb67]

Thanks Resting! That was so nice of you
Debs x

[kccc]

Coming in late to add to the chorus... and sorry I wasn't there to sing your praises when you needed it most. (But there were enough voices, and they seem to have done the job.)

Wosnes, that's exactly my opinion of the Four Agreements. Great timing in mentioning it.

[gratefuldeb67]

Thanks KCCC!
Much appreciated!
I'm all recovered now
Love,
Debs

[purplefleck]

Today on the train my 11 yr. old daughter commented on the size of the rear on the woman in front of us. I was so appalled that she might have overheard her and disturbed that she would say something like that. The most useful thing I could do (after I told her that this wasn't very nice to say) was how hurt I was once when a man had commented on my weight a few years ago when I was taking a walk.

I have worked so hard not to let my daughter know about my dieting/food issues so she might be free of these worries although I have shared the NoS plan with her. I have mostly talked about health, eating when hungrey, the importance of exercise, etc. She hears so much about body image remarks from girls at school who talk about being fat etc. An inner city public school. She happens to be long and lean but will makes "fat" remarks about her own body. It breaks my heart.

[gratefuldeb67]

Hi Purplefleck, yes it's very sad that kids have such role models as rake thin anorexics on shows like Americas next top model etc, and that they really have a very warped perspective on what is considered "fat"..
I wish you good luck with your daughter.
I am sure if you shared your concerns with her, both about your own health and her own self image, it would be really a good bonding experience and only serve to help.
Kids say a lot of mean things to each other, and about others, and we are also totally up against a very unhealthy media image of what is "normal" or desirable in terms of body image... It's really up to us, to step in and have a level headed "reasoning" session with them, to help keep things in perspective, and help them foster that self love and self respect, and respect for others.
Love,

Debs

[Kaseys412]

I'm so sorry you had to endure something like that! A few years ago.. on Christmas, my father announced to me in front of the entire family that I "was beginning to look like a beach ball, and better do something about it" I was beyond mortified, and hurt. My mom ended up calling him later and telling him he was extremely rude, and females especially KNOW when they are overweight.. it is 100% unnecessary to point it out.. anyway, he tried to apologize but I didn't even want to hear it. I know how it feels, like a punch in the stomach... my dad failed to note that I had just had a baby... and my husband was working out of town for months on end.. it was a stressful time for me, rather than see what a strong woman I was actually being... he chose to see my physical changes and it can really make you feel worthless. Don't let it get you down!!

[reinhard]

I'm sorry you had to endure that, Deb...

I find it strange that we, as a society, worship thinness in inverse proportion to how heavy we are.

Maybe if we cool it with the anorexic models we'll all get thin again?

I wonder how thin the average woman was in Rubens' day...

Reinhard

[gratefuldeb67]

Thanks Kasey and Reinhard!
This is such a lovely support group.
It was nice just to be able to "unload" at the time and I truly appreciate all the great responses.

Bless you all friends!
Debs