Everyday Systems: everydaysystems: message 64 of 74

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--- In , Reinhard Engels 
<beautiful_idiot@y...> wrote:
> January's resolution is of a personal, somewhat
> embarrassing nature (don't worry, nothing
> Seinfeldian
....Oh rats! I could use a laugh...Is it something totally 
undignified? LOL :) Please reconsider going public! LOL :)

> February's ...is proving tougher, but I'm still optimistic. 
Problem: married people often let their guard down a little too much 
and act in silly, undignified ways which are not worth the little, 
tainted amusement they provide. Little by very little, you erode 
mutual respect. Example: making "beep-beep-beep" backing up truck 

noises while opening the front door for my wife. Funny? Not really. A 
big problem in itself? No, but times a few thousand similar 
incidents, yes, potentially. Note: the "beep-beep-beep" was a one 
time
thing, most of these are. But they have a common, lousy, instantly 
recognizable core.

....Hi Reinhard :) I believe that this isn't just a problem for 
married folks. I think it's a common thread for immediate family 
members as well. The married/family dynamic is the most challenging 
in the sense that we get to see all the dirty laundry, whereas for 
outsiders we try to put on a more formal face... In other words we 
really get used to taking our family for granted, and this, I feel is 
a formidable and complex problem...On one hand we expect these people 
to "be there" for us, simply because it is supposed to go with the 

territory/title of family, but at the same time we abuse the 
closeness on a daily basis in, as you put it "undignified" ways...
With outsiders there's always the distinct possibility that whatever 
business or personal relationship is there could disappear with one 
callous remark, yet we don't consider our day to day habits at home.
Why? I think it's that we, wrongfully, assume that since they are 
family (and I believe it's not even really thought out consciously, 
but rather a subliminal premise we follow) they will accept us and 
never leave us, no matter what we do or how we act.
Once you are married the "honeymoon is over" and you are no longer 

in "Wooing your spouse" mode...
It is more than a cliche, that people "let themselves go", physically 

and in their politeness. The guard is down and everything 
relaxes... So not to be a wannabe Freud or anything, I will venture 
a guess that we are also testing the boundaries with these "beep beep 

beep" comments a bit as well...Subconsciously I think this is one way 

of testing the integrity of the relationship, with the presumption 
that being married or in a family instantly should bestow 
unconditional love...Love me with all my flaws, kind of thinking...
Again, I stress that this is probably a very intricate subconscious 
dynamic... The thing you left out of the description, dear Rein, was 
your wifes reaction and feelings...Now, if she cracks up hilariously 
and retorts with "Okay lardass, keep your pants on" one could assume 

she took your little joke in stride... But even then, it may be 
hurtful... It's not the goofiness or childish fun which is dangerous 
to the relationship, it's simply the hurt which may be inflicted 
through those thoughtless comments. Made in fun, but at someone 
elses expense... It's an interesting paradox I feel, because, on one 
level you are showing love by being silly and goofy and not being an 
uptight and distant partner, but you have to answer honestly, "Am I 

just being an asshole?" (sorry for mild profanity, but I think it 

suits the situation)
As I wrote in my letter to you before, I spent 9 years in my first 
serious relationship with my boyfriend from high school to college 
and a few years after...I think this qualified as both a version of 
simultaneous immediate family, since I was young, and a marraige, 
albeit not legal or sanctified in any way.
He was full of issues and so was I, so, for now, let's just say it 
wasn't a real great relationship in many ways, regardless of it's 
length. But he had this covert way of expressing his anger at the 
world by making many seemingly innocuous jabs and jokes, all with 
a "I'm just kidding around" or "Aren't I cute?" attitude.. All at 
my 
expense... He hurt me countless times, but because my self esteem was 
pretty bad to begin with, I just took it... I still hurt from some of 
the crappy things he used to say to me.
So my last piece of advice is to simply ask yourself, when you feel a 
joke coming on, "is this going to hurt her/him?" or "would I be 

hurt?" don't do it.. 

"Dont be so hard on the ones that we love, it's the ones that we love 

we think so little of" George Harrison
Peace,