How do you deal with the disappointment?

[Cassie]

I sometimes fall off the wagon & this week is one such example.

It started with a cookie with my skinny latte on monday. What then happened is (and this is how it usually goes) it escalated so monday, tuesday, wednesday are already red days.

I know what I need to do (action wise). Just jump right back on the wagon & make tomorrow a green day. And I think (hope) that'll work well.

What I don't know what to do about is the disappointment.

How do you deal with those voices inside that tell you 'its never going to work, you'll never look the way you'd like, you'll never lose that extra weight, its pointless to even try as you always end up back in square one anyway'?

The disappointment and sense of failure is much harder to deal with, to be honest, than the actual actions of getting back on track with NoS.

[wosnes]

What I don't know what to do about is the disappointment.

How do you deal with those voices inside that tell you 'its never going to work, you'll never look the way you'd like, you'll never lose that extra weight, its pointless to even try as you always end up back in square one anyway'?

I tell those damned voices to shut up and let me be! Seriously. And then I concentrate on what I need to do.

And here's the truth: What you say to yourself is more important that what any one else can say to you. So if you say it's not going to work -- it's not. Only you can change that. Change your self-talk. It will take some effort. You're the only one who can prove yourself wrong.

[NoelFigart]

Well, what do you hope to get out of losing those 14 kilos?

Two things: I am ALL FOR good, sustainable habits moderate habits like No S. That does not mean that being thin or looking a particular way is a moral imperative. Yes, overeating has a negative effect on one's health. YES being sedentary can have negative effects on one's physical and mental health. That's true.

But that's not what you said. You said that you felt like a FAILURE based on one metric -- your weight.

I don't know you but I'm willing to bet money that you succeed at a lot of things and fail at a lot of things. I'm willing to bet that because I'm assuming you're a human being.

I don't think one's life is a success or a failure based on what the scale says. When I start feeling badly about myself for my weight (and certainly sometimes I do), I remind myself that the media uses sex to sell products, and we silly humans have bought into teh sexah as a measure of personal success when all the company with the billboard was doing was trying to sell perfume. Funny how we label things, innit? (And I say "we" because advertising takes advantage of the way we're hardwired. No-one's immune).

Is developing a good habit difficult? It can be, especially when it's displacing a bad one.

The problem with sticking to the No-S Diet, specifically (IMHO) is that it makes excellent use of a tendency to black and white thinking by using it to draw clear rules about eating. That's awesome, taking a fault and turning it into a strength. The problem comes in when we apply that black and white thinking inappropriately and then blows it up like a scared pufferfish, i.e. "I ate a cookie, so I'm a failure, so I might as well be a BIG failure and ignore the rules I set for myself."

The thing is, one failure is NOT sending you back to square one. We're not playing Parcheesi here. One failure is a single, self-contained event. EACH failure is a single, self-contained event. You're TOTALLY ALLOWED to fail, laugh and say, "Okay, I failed that time. Can't change that. What do I choose to do RIGHT NOW?"

[marygrace]

Well, what do you hope to get out of losing those 14 kilos?

Two things: I am ALL FOR good, sustainable habits moderate habits like No S. That does not mean that being thin or looking a particular way is a moral imperative. Yes, overeating has a negative effect on one's health. YES being sedentary can have negative effects on one's physical and mental health. That's true.

But that's not what you said. You said that you felt like a FAILURE based on one metric -- your weight.

I don't know you but I'm willing to bet money that you succeed at a lot of things and fail at a lot of things. I'm willing to bet that because I'm assuming you're a human being.

I don't think one's life is a success or a failure based on what the scale says. When I start feeling badly about myself for my weight (and certainly sometimes I do), I remind myself that the media uses sex to sell products, and we silly humans have bought into teh sexah as a measure of personal success when all the company with the billboard was doing was trying to sell perfume. Funny how we label things, innit? (And I say "we" because advertising takes advantage of the way we're hardwired. No-one's immune).

Is developing a good habit difficult? It can be, especially when it's displacing a bad one.

The problem with sticking to the No-S Diet, specifically (IMHO) is that it makes excellent use of a tendency to black and white thinking by using it to draw clear rules about eating. That's awesome, taking a fault and turning it into a strength. The problem comes in when we apply that black and white thinking inappropriately and then blows it up like a scared pufferfish, i.e. "I ate a cookie, so I'm a failure, so I might as well be a BIG failure and ignore the rules I set for myself."

The thing is, one failure is NOT sending you back to square one. We're not playing Parcheesi here. One failure is a single, self-contained event. EACH failure is a single, self-contained event. You're TOTALLY ALLOWED to fail, laugh and say, "Okay, I failed that time. Can't change that. What do I choose to do RIGHT NOW?"

Very wise words here. What she said, Cassie.

[leannamcg]

From time to time I have a problem with the voice inside my head, but I have learned a quirky little trick to deal with it. Have you ever seen the movie or read the book, 'Rebecca' by Daphne Du Maurier? It's one of my favorites. Anyway, the story is about a young girl of a very ordinary background who falls in love and marries a rich widower. She moves to his estate with him, the kind of place that has a full staff of housekeepers, butlers, etc. She feels very inferior because she thinks she will never measure up to the former Mrs. DeWinter, whom everyone loved. In particular, the head housekeeper, Mrs. Danvers, treats her very coldly as she was very fond of the previous lady of the house. She is constantly insinuating that the girl doesn't belong and is out of her league. One night she even whispers in her ear that she should just jump off the balcony.

So....what I did to help with those feelings of guilt that I was always dealing with (not just in regards to weight but everything) was name the voice in my head - Mrs. Danvers! She is really annoying and always such a downer. When I hear her talking into my ear, I tell her, Shut up, Mrs. Danvers! It works! She herself has become discouraged and she doesn't come around as often anymore. This might sound a little crazy, but it is a little psychological trick that has really worked for me, so I thought I would share it with you. Best of luck!

[NoelFigart]

When I hear her talking into my ear, I tell her, Shut up, Mrs. Danvers! It works!

I LIKE that one! It's a good image, and makes a great point.

[wosnes]

Okay...more

This seeing ourselves as a success or failure based on our weight or ability to follow a diet is something I don't understand. Here's why:

I have a lot of roles in my life -- so do you. I don't know about you, but I'm not perfect at any of them. I'm not a perfect person, I wasn't a perfect student, I wasn't a perfect wife, I'm not a perfect parent, friend, nurse, and so on. I have moments of perfection, well maybe just "pretty good", which are very few and far between. I don't concentrate on how I'm not perfect, I just do my best.

I think that is the secret. Do your best. Your best doesn't mean perfection and it's going to vary from day to day depending on what else is going on in your life.

From The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: "Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret."

[Starla]

I love NoelFigart's response. Your success or failure as a human being is not determined by what you put in your mouth. I really don't think there's a moral component to gaining or losing weight.

There's a thread pinned to the top of the board called "No S Catch Phrases," and the second entry is:

"Mark it and move on. (That's with regard to red days. Don't rationalize away, don't make bargains, just mark it and move on.)"

I think that's excellent advice. Don't beat yourself up, don't try to be twice as good the next day. Just acknowledge what happened, let it go and move on.

[gratefuldeb67]

I agree with Wosnes.. Tell those voices to shut up.. in fact, how about making a name for that voice of someone you may not like, like some awful political figure, take your pic.. my friend call's his negative voice "Blair"
In all seriousness, we all have negative talk mechanisms that are in place and frankly, they are just prerecorded behaviour.. the only way to change that is telling your voice when it starts to psych you out, "you are wrong, I *can* do this" and repeat it as many times as you need to, until the positive message is strong enough to fend for itself.. This takes time and repetition, but it works.
Good luck Cassie!! You'll get the hang of it.. Be patient and persevere, it will get easier to have successful days, but you really need to go thru the failures to get there.. accept them as part of the process, mark it, and move on
Debs

[Clarica]

I think sometimes those feelings come up because we have different parts. Part wants instant gratification, and it's the part throwing the tantrum. It's like your own inner two year old. it'll say anything!

The tantrums get easier to ignore the more you ignore them--you have to go through hard to get to easy.

[Nichole]

I think it's a matter of just keeping on. When I've tried to lose weight in the past, I'd start and think "Oh I'll never get down to XXX" and that did me more harm than good. Eventually I started thinking I COULD do it, figuring out how to do it, and accepting my failures as I went. And yes, you do have to block out those voices in your head and replace it with positive thoughts. "If so-and-so can do it, I can too" always helped me, for instance .

[oolala53]

I've told this to other people and have to try at times to remember it myself when I'm feeling discouraged or disappointed, mostly in myself, or what life deals me.

If you find that this is too hard to do, perhaps it isn't important enough to do. So what? We are not criminals. Concentrate in life on 1) being a great friend and family member, depending on your obligations/priorities, 2) pursuing interests and work with curiosity and energy, 3) possibly making a contribution in your community, and 4) developing your spiritual life, if you so believe. This is basically saying what the others have. We are so much more than this pursuit. My own sense is that Reinhard was very aware of this from the start.

If we succeed, we will have a lot more time to do things other than eat. Even if we don't, there are worse ways to live.

When I think this kind of thought, it actually makes me want to increase my effort. I have the freedom to be off the hook, but I don't want to be. In the meantime, I have flubbed up plenty along the way to this past 9 weeks of No S and am flubbing up in other areas of my life. However, if I died tomorrow, I pray I won't be berating myself because I ate too much. Or be proud just because I got thin.

[Cassie]

Thanks so very much everyone for all your thoughts & encouragement! It has helped immensely, I'm now back on 'green' days. I've also started filling in my 'daily check' daily (plus habitcal) which helps loads. Patience is hard, I'm not good at it, but I'm learning the hard way how to get better at it!

[oolala53]

Wow! You mean it worked? The real credit goes to you for gleaning what you needed and applying it. Great job!

[DebbiAnn]

I find sometimes that if I feel that I am failing at something, I need to re-think why I am doing it. Why am I trying to loose weight, why am I going to this class, etc. If you can justify at least to your self why you are doing something it will get you back on track. The road might get tough, so the tough get going.

I always told my kids: If you think you can you will. If you think you can't you won't.

Another saying: I think I can, I think I can't, either way I'm right.

Good luck.

[mimi]

Thought I'd bump up this old discussion since so many of us are experiencing difficult times and "falling off the wagon."

Mimi