Negotiating social issues... for a child

[kccc]

My son is normal weight, and I normally don't allow a lot of sweets/snacks.

Recently, he's made a friend at the pool who snacks a lot. This little boy is overweight, and every time he's at the pool he has money for a snack (like an ice-cream bar). He's very sweet, and offers to share his money so my son can have one too. (Our pool snacks are not very expensive.)

The first time, my husband let him. The second (two days later), I gave my son money to buy for them both instead, figuring we should take a turn.

Fine as far as it goes. But... I don't want a fudgesicle-at-the-pool to become the norm. It's usually too close to dinner. But I hate to tell my son "no" when others are not only getting sweets, but are very generously trying to share.

Obviously, I'll need to talk to my son about it, but any thoughts on negotiating the situation would be appreciated. I want to respect both the social issues in a budding friendship as well as the health issues.

[kassabma]

My son is normal weight, and I normally don't allow a lot of sweets/snacks.

Recently, he's made a friend at the pool who snacks a lot. This little boy is overweight, and every time he's at the pool he has money for a snack (like an ice-cream bar). He's very sweet, and offers to share his money so my son can have one too. (Our pool snacks are not very expensive.)

The first time, my husband let him. The second (two days later), I gave my son money to buy for them both instead, figuring we should take a turn.

Fine as far as it goes. But... I don't want a fudgesicle-at-the-pool to become the norm. It's usually too close to dinner. But I hate to tell my son "no" when others are not only getting sweets, but are very generously trying to share.

Obviously, I'll need to talk to my son about it, but any thoughts on negotiating the situation would be appreciated. I want to respect both the social issues in a budding friendship as well as the health issues.

Can you tell us how old your son is? That might help some of us give better advice!

[kccc]

Sorry! That is very pertinent, isn't it?

He's almost 10. And while he knows that "healthy food comes first," like most kids he likes sugar, would eat junk and play video games all day if I let him (I don't), and thinks "everybody else" has it easier.

He's also smart, and can be reasoned with (on a good day).

[sophiasapientia]

KCCC -- What I've done in these types of situations is talk to my kiddo privately ahead of time and say that while it is fine to have an ice cream (or whatever) once in awhile, as a special treat, it isn't something that I want us to make a regular habit of, everytime, especially so close to dinner ... I'm big on the "don't spoil your dinner" line so she is quite accustomed to me saying that anyway. (My DD usually has a small afternoon snack but it is usually some fresh fruit or veggies, a yogurt, some nuts or the like. We typically limit sweets to S Days and, probably a few times a week, she has a small dessert after dinner or with her lunch.)

Then, if the friend brings it up again, I would say "Oh that sounds yummy but it is really close to our dinner and we need to save room for that."

It can be hard negotatiating all of this stuff, especially when snacks and sweets are everywhere.

[idontknow]

This is very tricky - your son is 10 and more or less has to do as he is told (with the odd sulk thrown in, I'm sure ). But you are also developing his ability to make the right choices for himself when he is older and more independent. So the conversations you are having with him now will teach him how to cope with situations in the future when he is out alone with friends and faced with many many choices - not all as harmless as an ice cream.

KCCC - I'm not trying to be alarmist. You are very wise and I'm sure you know all this. My strategy is to try to talk things through with my girls - we discuss each situation, the advantages and disadvantages of the choices they could make and then I try to give them some control over how they handle it. For example, they may come up with the idea of having an ice cream once a week, or they may decide to take their own healthy snack to the pool, or we may just discuss nice ways of saying no.

This strategy has worked well for me, and I'm aware that boys and girls can be quite different. I suppose I'm looking at the bigger picture - in the short term it probably isn't going to make a lot of difference if your son has an ice cream every day - he's young, normal weight and is obviously active. However, in the longer term you want to know you have a child who can make good choices and who isn't in rebellion because he has had no control over decisions in his life.
It's very tough - bringing up kids and getting them ready for the outside world - you have all my sympathy. I try to remember to 'hold, not grasp' my children (from an Amy Tan novel - not sure which one) - but it's easier said than done!
Hope I haven't offended you - not my intention. Feel free to ignore me completely.

[kccc]

Idk, no offense!!! You've done a better job of articulating my dilemma than I have.

I always keep reminding myself that I'm not trying to raise a compliant child, I'm trying to raise a responsible adult. Much harder!

[Cassie]

Sounds to me that these options mentioned by the others (discussing pros & cons / reaching a compromise etc) are good ideas. I'm sure that since you have a good relationship with your child, you'll find a way to create some rules together that work well . The main thing is to find a balance between inflexibility (never allowing snacks/sweets) and total freedom (always allowing snacks/sweets). I'm sure you'll be able to gradually, together with him, find that balance!

[idontknow]

So have you decided on a strategy, KCCC?

[kccc]

I decided to wait until it came up again - and because of our schedules, it hasn't yet - and then say "yes, but I want to talk to you about this later."

When later comes, I want to bring up two things
1) Social "taking turns" - that if he's going to accept, he'll need to reciprocate... and that will need to come from his allowance (that's a limiter right there!)
2) General health choices and "total amount of sweets/junk"

I think that my general stance that "some treats are okay, but most of your food needs to be healthy" will work. If he wants that fudgesicle to be today's big treat - and not have any dessert in the evening (which he usually does, though small portions), then I think I will allow him to choose that. But I want him to be very aware that he IS making a choice, not getting something extra.

However, the fact that the situation hasn't come up again tells me that I may have been over-reacting to start with. If it's not a pattern, it's not really a problem.

[Cassie]

Sounds very sensible, KCCC, the way you've decided to do it. I generally think that some (mild / flexible) rules for children work very well, eg limiting sweets to sometimes a week. And the reciprocating thing also sounds like a very good idea, teaches other things too apart from healthy eating .

[idontknow]

That sounds a very sensible approach.

[oolala53]

Though it sounds like this issue has been dealt with, I want to jump in because it was around that age that I believe my problems with sweet snacks began and for a similar reason. I had a friend who also got money and shared it with me to buy candy every day after school. When my mother noticed I was dawdling over my dinner, she was stern about my not getting candy with Diana, but I learned simply to tuck into my dinner like there was no problem with my appetite. I don't blame my mother for not being able to handle it well, but I do encourage you to find a way to work with this. I think if my mom had continued to talk to me about it with the sense of emphasizing how much I would enjoy my dinner more and reminding me that we did have dessert (though you may have to talk about something else), I might have done better, but I may be projecting. Unfortunately, I got used to sweet snacks and used to eating despite not being hungry. Plus, I developed a sense of shame about my body and the habit of sneaking sweets. This of course was not the only influence on such habits, but it was the beginning.